Original subtitles

This is my home. This is the man who raped me.

With my brains and your passion for fashion, Cambridge isn't going to know

what's hit it. You've no idea where your mum and dad are. I don't even know who

they are, Geordie.

Leonard, I want to talk to you about your drinking.

Oh, here she goes again. You're a bitter, cold -hearted, ancient old bag.

What, pray, is wrong with the world?

It used to be that a man had certain inalienable rights.

A crispy roast potato with his Sunday lunch.

An uninterrupted snooze. A beverage enjoyed without fear

nor favour. And yet, here we are.

of our society crumbling before our eyes.

Turning and turning in the widening gyre and the falcon cannot

hear the falconer.

That was a falcon.

Let's put the falcon to one side, shall we?

The landlord says you've had a skimful.

He's asked you to leave multiple times and you've been, in his words,

belligerent. I'm not belligerent.

I'm full of umbrage, yes. I'm umbracious.

I am umbraged, sir, but belligerent I don't believe, so no.

The landlord wants you to leave quietly.

If you don't leave quietly, I'm going to have to arrest you.

Entirely up to you.

I can read it to you if you want me.

What happened to you?

Porn Lemon. With a whiskey chaser.

Don't laugh.

I'm not laughing.

I'm smiling sympathetically. This one's full of umbrage.

I'm full of umbrage, Jennifer.

I didn't even know umbrage meant until an hour ago. I really wish everyone

stop saying umbrage. Might I say, you look lovely this evening.

Doesn't she look lovely?

No, she's pretty as a picture.

She's taken.

Oh, I don't know. In the face of such genuine affection, maybe I'm not taken

after all.

What have we got here, then?

Chief's the drunk tank, Floyd.

Is it that time already?

Yeah, afraid so.

Says the nightingale Floyd. Oh, Mickey.

Like clockwork.

He just makes such a good cuppa.

Can't turn myself away.

Sorry, can I just clarify something?

Drunk tankers in the tank for drunk?

You're going in the cell, son.

Oh, that's a very kind offer, but I can make my way home from here. That's not

how it works, Leonard. You're under arrest.

Well, can't you just un -arrest me?

Nice try.

I'll get the kettle on.

Sit down.

Lovely.

And shut up.

Now who's full of umbrage? His address is probably Umbridge Wells.

Umbridge Wells.

Unless there's anything else, Mr Scott? I am off to reacquaint myself with my

slippers.

And a nice cold pint.

Might I preface this by saying I did absolutely nothing wrong.

gonna get that no do you want me to get it no it's her isn't it who

meg the bishop's daughter oh meg she's lovely answer it

then we don't know it's her well we'll never know now why are you avoiding her

she's marriage material that one i'm not avoiding her

but poor girl

The Grinch.

Alfie? Where's Kathy and Mrs. C?

They're right there, aren't they? Yep.

Don't react when I tell you this.

We've just arrested Leonard.

Yeah.

Yeah, fine. It'd be lovely.

What's up with you?

Are you sulking?

No.

He said, sulkily.

Leonard threw the glass with the drink.

It hurt, as it happens.

Poor baby.

Let me kiss it better.

Pictures?

I've got paperwork to do now, haven't I?

What every woman wants is on at ten.

Ha.

Ha.

What every woman wants.

If only I had a bloody clue.

Where's Leonard?

In the cell.

I'm starting to think he's on to something, you know.

Swearing off the ladies.

Pockets, Mickey.

Come on, Duncan.

How old have you done?

He's very good at the harmonies.

The summer's gone and all the roses

falling.

It's you, it's you, it's you. Yeah, you must go.

Alfie!

Mickey, this is my lovely friend, Alfie. Oh, hello, Alfie. Can't stop, I'm

afraid. Yeah, sleep tight, son.

What's happened?

I'm a little bit tipsy. He's a little bit more than a little bit tipsy.

Well, we've had you in before, I see.

Bit of slap and tickle with the fella.

Shut your mouth! Leonard?

No, he wants to start something.

I don't, son.

Not at all.

Don't call me son.

Don't you dare call me son.

Leonard? No, I meant... Just saying. In? Now?

I'm not his bloody son.

Say sorry to the landlord. You can come home with me now.

I'm not apologizing.

Well, you'd rather sleep here.

I'm taking a moral stance.

Against what?

I forget.

Leonard, I'm worried about you.

Let me be, Alfie.

I just wish everyone would let me be for once.

Oi, Floyd.

You can't get my dad down here, can you?

Get some shut -eye, Mickey.

I need my inhaler.

Well, there's a life lesson in there, isn't there, Mickey?

I'm sorry about my friend.

That's the booze talking.

Don't worry.

I've had worth.

Please, Floyd.

I really need my inhaler.

I can't cope in small spaces.

He's not been right.

Not for a long while.

I'd just put it down to him missing Daniel.

He's been drinking.

A lot.

People in glass houses and all that.

I don't know.

Something's... Something's not right.

Daniel's away.

He's bored. He has a few too many.

And before he knows it, he's throwing port and lemon over a copper.

That was the best of us.

Not out tonight?

No.

How's Meg?

She's fine.

You've gone off her, haven't you? I haven't gone off her. What's wrong with

Too attractive?

Too interesting?

Too in love with you?

Who said anything about love?

I have a theory if you want to hear.

It's that letter from your mum.

Schrodinger's letter, I'm calling it.

After Schrodinger's cats, I know.

It's a paradox, you see.

If you don't open it, what your mamma says can either be something you want to

hear, like you were loved, or something you don't want to hear,

like she's glad to see the back of you.

Nice. Thanks. Until you open it, you are stuck.

In a bind.

No answers.

No chance of moving forward. Pop?

Ah, deflection.

It's interesting. Or maybe it has nothing to do with the letter, and I

don't fancy seeing Meg tonight.

Help!

Help!

Please, somebody!

Somebody! Help!

Help, please!

The film's wrong.

Leaving Leonard.

Don't let him sleep on it. Be as meek as a lamb from now on. I was first.

No, I was first. Back off. You back off.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Well, he pushed in the queue.

Oh, you bloody pushed in.

Princess people who don't like queues, well, there's a first.

Back in your corners, gents.

Is it the full moon or something?

Oh, just another thread and rich tapestry. That is Thursday night in the

Good night. Night.

Sorry, boss.

Are we going to the pictures or not?

We could do that, Jennifer, yes.

We could go every night.

You and me, watching films.

Endless films for all eternity.

Was that a yes or a no?

Proposed again? Probably.

Excuse me.

My son, Mickey Goodwin Darfsod, forgot his inhaler.

He's got a weak chest, you see.

He doesn't get it from his mother's side if you gather my meaning.

She's a big girl.

We got that, Mr. Goodwin. Don't I? Well, you could go ahead and get the beers

in. Oh, I could.

But it's your round.

I don't know what happened.

Floyd? He's gone.

I think he's gone.

No! I can't breathe!

Mickey?

I can't wake him.

He won't wake up. I don't need my dad.

I can't breathe.

We've got your inhaler here, Mickey.

Mickey? Mickey?

We need to get him out of here now.

Where's the key, Leonard?

I don't know. Dad, I want my dad!

Okay, I'm going to get him now, okay? Just...

Floyd should have a key. I can't see it. Larry, please put the towels. Where are

they? Floyd has them. I think Floyd's dead.

What?

Is it Mickey?

He can't breathe.

There you go.

Which one? I don't know which one.

Try his pocket, maybe.

You're all right, you tar bugger. Deep breaths, all right?

Get him out of here. It's one of these, boss. Oh, for goodness sake.

I'll call for an ambulance.

All right, deep breaths, all right? Okay.

We found it, Leonard. There's no key. There has to be. Look, I'm telling you,

there's no bloody key.

Bloody hell. Are you okay? All right, get him out. He needs to get out. Yeah,

we're trying.

All right, out he comes.

Hang on a minute.

Hang on a minute.

Deep breaths.

That's my boy.

I

passed

out. I don't know, something must have... ...woken me and...

And what?

And he was just there.

Maybe Floyd came in to check on Leonard and had a heart attack.

I'll think. Or a stroke, maybe.

You saw the bruises. It wasn't a stroke.

How much did you have to drink this evening?

I don't remember exactly.

Well, the barman said it was a dozen or more.

Surprised you're still standing.

Are you really going to start lecturing me, Alfie Cotterill? I'm worried about

you, Leonard. No, you're judging me.

Is it Daniel? Has something happened?

My father died.

Leonard, I... I'm sorry.

Why didn't you tell us?

He didn't love me, I didn't love him. There wasn't much to say.

Did you go to the funeral?

I don't want to talk about it.

Do you remember threatening Floyd?

No. He made reference to your previous arrest.

Don't remember.

He called you son.

Did he?

You were angry with him.

I really don't remember, Geordie.

Rent six days a week, electric, gas, staff, till,

signage, advertising.

Stock. Stock.

Off the grand total.

on a bike.

Well, it was a nice idea, wasn't it?

Pass the time till reality hits smack bang in the gob.

Don't hate me.

I might have done a silly thing.

How silly?

I've got us a meeting with the bank manager about a loan.

Women can't get loans, Sylvia.

It's not strictly us.

Who'll be getting it?

It's a Mr Colin Chapman.

Who's he?

I made him up.

That's fraud, Sylvia.

I was thinking we could go in disguise.

I'd rather suit it, Robbie.

What if that's a bank?

What if they're on to us?

Vicarage. Cathy.

Where's Mrs. C?

She's right there, isn't she?

Yeah.

Don't react when I tell you this.

Leonard's in a bit of trouble.

Leonard's in trouble. I'll get my coat.

Cathy, I said don't tell her.

When did I ever listen to anything you say?

Contacted his family?

Wife died years ago.

Spoke to his sister, though.

Poor bugger.

Less than a year from retirement.

Hands around the throat, pressure on the windpipe.

Somebody squeezed the life out of him.

The door was locked when we arrived.

So? So maybe someone stole Floyd's key, and then maybe...

Maybe they locked him in here, but from the outside.

Floyd's key.

There were only two people in this cell, and only one of them came out alive.

Leonard doesn't have it in him. You know he doesn't. We all have it in us,

Alfie.

Every single one of us.

I didn't see nothing.

Anything, Mickey?

I didn't see anything.

He's not one for school in this one. Marilyn Monroe could have walked past.

I'd have been none the wiser.

Did you hear anything?

I couldn't catch my breath.

That's what I was thinking about, breathing in, breathing out. You didn't

Floyd opening the door?

I heard the door go and I heard a gurgling sound.

Gurgling? Yeah, like someone couldn't breathe.

It made me panic even more.

I thought it might have been that nice of her that I came in with.

Wait here, you two.

Kappa?

Well, we've missed the ten o 'clock showing now and the eleven o 'clock, so

please. You do say yes sometimes, then.

Oh, just a stab in the dark here, Larry. Is this about the proposal?

Proposals.

Plural. We've been over and over this.

So I should be fine with it, then?

Should I?

The woman I love doesn't want to marry me. I do want to marry you. But you're

not going to.

I would rather we didn't do this at work. We're not doing it anywhere as far

I can bloody think. Larry, keep your voice down.

Sorry. It was perfect.

Your perfect dresses.

Perfect hair.

And your face.

Just being all perfect.

But on the inside, you know what you are?

You're mean.

Mean and cold.

And you've got no bloody heart.

Are you going to cry?

No.

You are, aren't you? You're going to cry.

How can I?

I've got no heart.

Oh, are you all right, love? Yes, thank you.

Where's Leonard?

If you just take a seat. No, absolutely not.

Wait.

It's Floyd's.

It was in your cell.

So it could only be me.

That's what you think.

I tried to stop him. Sorry.

We're not bringing in the big guns, are we?

I thought we weren't talking.

You're my boy, Leonard.

She's scared for you. Could you give us a minute, please?

Why aren't we talking, Mrs C?

You know why?

No, I don't. I can't remember.

We had a tiff.

You called me things. What kind of things?

A bitter, cold -hearted, ancient old bag.

If I can say that to someone I love and not recall a thing.

What if there isn't another explanation?

What if I put my hands around that man's throat?

What if I squeeze the life out of him?

We've missed something, Alfie. We have to have missed something. I don't like

think it either, but we have to, don't we?

Leonard was drunk.

He's grieving.

He's angry.

Geordie.

There's something down his throat.

Bugger me.

Batting lip.

What does that seem like, Linothea?

A drunken argument gets out of hand, maybe, but shoving this down his

Leonard wouldn't do that.

Evening, Spencer.

Race results you asked for.

What have you done?

Made her cry.

Larry! Miss Court cried?

Yeah, I knew to move, too.

The race was at 4 .15, Jezebel.

Jezebel, Jezebel.

New market.

Came first at 10 to 1.

Good odds.

So Floyd placed a bet and wins big.

Waited the bookies on Bridge Street.

The betting shop is here.

Where did you pick up Leonard?

The mitre.

Right next door.

Where I picked up Mickey, too.

Mickey was at the mitre. He could barely walk straight.

What if Floyd placed the bet, got his winnings? What if he went next door to

mitre, crowing about his good luck?

What if Mickey killed him for the winnings?

That's a lot of what -ifs. Mickey was locked in his cell.

Well, Donnie then? Donnie wasn't even in the building.

Can't just fling about accusations, Alfie.

I just apologize.

I would. I thought it'd make any difference.

Larry scooped you up with a mitre.

You know it, Ed.

After the lip?

Sorry, yeah.

I was at the mitre.

Did you see Floyd there?

I was reading.

Any talk of horses?

Horses? Kurt Vonnegut rather trumped what anyone else was saying.

Mickey was in the pub.

Was he? Just start from when you got there.

It was quiet.

I went to my usual...

My usual table.

I got my book out.

The wireless was on.

The radio?

Men were shouting.

They were excited.

What were they shouting?

Go on!

Go on, get in! Get in, my gal!

What have you done, Floyd?

I took a punt.

I was inspired by your missus, as it happens, Donny.

Jezebel.

Jezebel. The horse was called Jezebel.

Donny was there.

Mickey's dad.

I think you're onto something with the disguise.

How do you feel about a fake moustache?

Got one of me own, thank you.

So do I, in a certain light.

I noticed that Leonard was having too many.

I didn't say anything.

We all noticed.

We all didn't say anything.

He's a fragile boy.

My love, three girls.

The one that worries me the most is the boy.

We talk.

Women talk.

They don't talk.

Why is that?

They petrify. They'll start crying and never stop.

And they think we're the delicate ones.

A dash could work wonders, you know.

That and the trilby.

Mr Colin Chapman, at your service.

You knew Floyd?

Well, I wouldn't say knew him.

We drank at the same pub.

And you didn't think to mention it. You never asked.

Floyd won on a horse.

Didn't we know it.

Made ten quid, didn't even buy us a drink. Nope.

Is that what the fight was about?

He called my missus a Jezebel.

That showed him a thing or two.

Quite right, son.

Quite right.

Fifty cops in the pub.

An hour later, Floyd's dead.

But you think it's us?

Is there?

I was in one cell, Floyd was dead in another. And I wasn't even here. Who do

think I am?

Houdini?

Is that the fellow that works in the chip shop? You think me and this lump is

to murder?

You're reaching there, fellas.

Thank you.

I'm not usually this ridiculous.

I am.

Most days.

But then I have got kids.

I just have a rather irritating man.

Sometimes I don't know why I bother.

Because you love him?

Well, there is that, of course.

Because he's kind and sweet and handsome.

Oh, look at that little face.

I love this job.

If I have to leave it and become a housewife... You'll end up inside for

Without a doubt.

There's not so much I haven't told him.

Ah, deep, dark secrets.

We all have those.

I believe in Ian.

I don't think so.

No, maybe not.

Larry, with me?

Have you told Geordie all of your secrets?

He don't know the half of it.

All right, Daddy.

Lovely, thanks.

Gotta keep a little mystique.

Right. You're Leonard, you're Mickey, I'm Floyd with the key.

You've lost me already.

Oh, it's a locked -room mystery.

A fictional device.

A man gets murdered.

And seemingly impossibly, his murderer escapes.

Just get in this cell, Larry.

So, Mickey's in his cell.

Now, Floyd puts Leonard in his cell.

Things I do for this job.

Right, so Floyd still has the key.

So maybe Mickey calls him over and tries to grab the key through the hat.

Didn't hear a word of that. Just try and grab the key.

No chance.

Okay, so for some reason... For some reason, Floyd got it in for himself.

Because Mickey's breathing funny.

Yes, of course. Mickey's breathing funny.

Okay, so Floyd lets himself in.

Mickey strangles Floyd.

Larry.

This is pretend, sorry.

Mickey takes the key.

And drags Floyd's body into the hall.

Now, Mickey uses the key to unlock Leonard's cell.

Exactly.

You took your time.

Leonard's asleep.

Then Mickey drags Floyd's body in.

Mickey leaves, locking the door behind him.

And then locks himself back in his cell.

That works, doesn't it? No.

We found the key in here.

Right, start again.

There's no way Mickey did it, is there?

Maybe we have to consider... He's not violent.

You know, it helps me, Geordie.

What does?

That he didn't feel he could talk to us.

I really am sorry about your dad.

What is this?

But we thought we should talk.

About, you know, feelings.

You want to talk about feelings? Not really.

But we're waiting on the post -mortem and Alfie said we should.

How are you feeling about your dad?

Fantastic.

Over the moon.

Leonard, we weren't close.

Why not?

I'm a homosexual, Alfie.

Well, I imagine that's not the only reason.

Let's just say our relationship went south when... Come to think of it, I'm

sure it was ever north.

What about your father, Geordie?

He was a bastard.

Well, thanks for sharing.

When he died, I bawled my eyes out.

Not sure why.

Glad to see the back of him. Maybe you cried for the father you wish he'd been.

Oh, maybe. I don't know.

Is that why you've been drinking?

I thought we were talking about feelings.

You're grieving for the father you don't have?

I don't know about that.

It's the only moment of respite I can find.

Not the first drink.

Not even the third.

But if you have enough, then suddenly... Peace.

For a little while.

Go on, then, Alfie. What's your sob story?

Your dad was an accountant, wasn't he?

It's all right, Jodie. It's fine.

I was a foundling.

I'm so sorry. I had no idea.

Why would you?

If you don't want to talk about it, I... No, no, it's fine. I don't mind.

Do you know who your parents are?

No.

I was brought up by a vicar called Potts.

He was my family.

I was loved. I was...

Happy, I am happy, so... Leonard, why are you drinking so

much?

My father didn't want me.

At the funeral.

Specifically instructed that I wasn't there.

Fine, I... I'm fine with it.

I was a disappointment to him.

All my life I've known that. You're not a disappointment.

No, I am.

I'm a... I am. I'm a disappointment.

Leonard, you are the kindest, bravest man I have ever met. But if your own

father can't find something he needs to love... That's his fault.

Not yours.

Sorry, I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry.

Can we talk about something else, please?

I think my son hates me.

If he doesn't hate you, why would you say that?

I caught him fooling about with things.

Clothes.

That didn't belong to him.

I lost my temper.

Am I a good dad?

You love him, don't you? I'd kill for him.

There you go, then.

But what if I end up driving him away like my dad did me?

Just tell him you love him. Just like that.

I love you. He wants your approval, Geordie.

I'd have given the world for my father to have said, I love you.

Just one time.

What if that's what it is about?

Or what if Mickey did all of this for his dad's approval?

You can't tell about faith.

It's impossible.

Like one of your locked room mysteries.

No, but that's the thing.

It's never impossible.

In the end, there's always an answer.

I'm so sorry I made you cry.

Making you cry made me want to cry.

I want to marry you.

Really?

Sorry, carry on.

But there are a lot of things.

A lot of things we haven't talked about.

A lot of things I never talk about because...

Well, I made a decision not to talk about them. Sorry.

Just thinking about the marriage thing.

My parents are not very nice people.

When I was born, they took one look at me and decided I was worthless.

You're not worthless.

I know. Good.

But I still have my foibles.

I'm not a very nice person in the morning. In fact, I'm a monster.

That's not so bad.

A foibles coat. I haven't finished yet.

I don't like to lose at cards or board games or arguments.

I don't cook, apart from breakfast items.

I have a particular aversion to ironing. Is that a lot?

Far from it.

They're just off the top of my head.

Everyone had foibles.

I don't want my parents at the wedding.

But you do want a wedding.

More than anything.

I don't want to work. It's impossible.

Nothing's ever impossible.

A love of my life.

Please, will you just marry me?

I thought you'd never ask.

Can we go home yet?

It's way past this one's bedtime.

Just need your John Hancock? More.

Just own the damn thing, Mickey.

And before you go, Mickey, a bit of friendly advice.

Ah, still waiting, fellas.

Work from the post office.

Where's Cathy?

Gone.

Why don't you go?

No.

Leonard might not be out for hours.

I'm not leaving.

Whose paper is this?

Friendly chap who came in for his son.

Friendly? Why do you say friendly?

He'd chat with everyone.

Me and Kath, those fellows.

Back off. Back off!

Sorry, do you mind if I ask you a question?

As long as you're not collecting for charity.

Fire away.

That Mickey's paperwork?

Yeah. Get this filed and I can spend some quality time in my gen. So sorry.

How about this? Someone swipes the master keys and somehow, miraculously,

them back without anyone noticing.

That's not how they did it.

They? Mickey and Donnie.

Donnie wasn't here.

You said something woke you? Could it have been a cell door closing?

Could have been, maybe.

Where's the betting slip?

They both did it, Jodie.

Please.

Well, you better be going somewhere with this, fellas.

Mickey.

You're putting yourself, Leonard's putting his, and then the plan stops.

And you pretend you can't breathe.

Come on, son. Point it down in there.

And that's where Donnie comes in. I wasn't even here.

So don't be trying to drag me into it. You don't need to be.

I couldn't ask you a favor, could I, fellas?

All you needed to do was create a distraction.

So that Mickey could complete the job.

Get back to his cell.

And lock it with Floyd's key.

Without being seen.

It was all planned.

Mickey's arrest, the asthma attack.

Excuse me. You arrived again now with Mickey's inhaler. I got his inhaler.

Under the guise of helping him, you take the key. It has to be.

I'm telling him.

There's no bloody key. While we were distracted, you threw the key into

Leonard's cell.

Your paper, Donny.

He circled one horse.

Mickey wrote the betting slip. This is your handwriting.

Well, what happened?

A few too many and forgot to place it.

Right, so he wakes up. Tractor man. Doesn't like tractors anymore.

Quite a mile, please.

You messed up, Mickey.

Floyd's winnings should have been your father's, and he wasn't happy, was he?

Stop putting words in his mouth.

I wanted Dad to see... Shut up. I wanted you to see that I'm not daft.

That I can make things good.

So I said to him...

You weak excuse for a man. Enough.

You wanted to make your father proud.

He called me his good boy.

You've never called me your good boy before.

Here's the thing about Schrodinger. You're not still on about that cat, are

A letter.

The letter Potts kept from me all those years.

It could be full of the most beautiful and kind words.

And you'd never know.

Words like, I love you, you mean?

Just open it, Alfie.

What have you got to lose?

So, what does the day hold for you?

School. Anything fun?

David, come here.

Come.

I just want to say, and I know I don't say it

enough,

Man needs astray tithes to get ahead in this world.

I think I might need your help.

Please, will you help me?

I love you.

I love you so much.

What's she doing here? Geordie invited her. Is there anyone you didn't invite?

Why aren't you grabbing this with both hands?

You clearly like her.

I can explain.

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