Original subtitles

As we enter the third week,

I find Mr Tickle's attention-seeking, tent-based twattery

even more annoying than in weeks one and two.

Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression.

-EMMA: I Call App Britain. -App.

-MANNION: I Call Up Britain? -I Call App Britain.

Silicon Playgrounds are - is - go.

I just hope Mannion can keep his baccy-stained fingers out of it.

I Call You Up...App.

I couldn't have looked more of a twat unless I'd announced it

dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits!

I was picked up at seven, of course I haven't walked the dog.

I barely had time to take myself for a shit.

Phil, I'm sure you're suffering from Peter withdrawal symptoms

but, I really, really need you to keep an eye on the Tickel issue.

Thought Camp ETA 13 minutes, okay?

You're taking the bridge, Kieran.

Okay, well, you can start by not referring to him as Gyppo.

Or Gypsy, Phil.

It's not the abbreviation that's the problem.

If he has a thorn in his paw,

it must be from when you took him for a walk yesterday.

What do you mean, you're in charge?

You are not in fucking charge, you doughnut.

Of course you're going to keep me informed,

I want the full crunch on all the feeds, as usual.

Everything below the equator.

Take him to the dog hospital.

No, I'm not being sarcastic. There is one.

Keep an eye on things, all right?

The number will be in the folder.

What? (SIGHS)

Where are you taking us, Stewart?

This Mind Kampf is in the middle of nowhere.

Thought Camp, Peter. And isolation is the mother of renewal.

We shall retreat to go forwards.

Terrible signal.

Phil sounded like he was phoning in a report on an African coup.

-Why's he even gone in today? -I put him on Tickel oversight.

STEWART: Oh, the eviction.

Well, cutting the guy ropes on his tent is hardly the siege of Troy.

Bailiffs thought it would be easier today, quicker or quieter.

Yeah, but I want Phil sealed off, right?

He makes no statement today, not even off the record.

-He wanted to feel useful. -Then he should sell his organs.

-Glenn. -What?

What the fuck are you doing here?

Oh, God, you're not living here, are you?

Oh, no, no, no. I just got, er,

some stuff I've got to catch up on.

Plus, one of my neighbours is having a rooftop barbecue

and I didn't fancy being bombarded

with chicken bones and Radio 1.

Anyway, why aren't you on Stewart's away day?

Drinking herbal tea and playing leapfrog?

I told Stewart where to get off.

Yeah, well, we've got the whole palace to ourselves, eh?

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

Yeah, but very much alive. Well, one of us.

I'll put the kettle on.

Sure. Easy on the milk, shaky hands.

Okay, people, abandon phones, all ye who enter here.

And, er, watches, too.

Time is a leash on the dog of ideas.

This is like some weird inverted Dodge City.

Presumably we're allowed to keep our six-shooters?

I might want to blow my brains out.

Stewart, my son's coming back from a school trip

and I'm going to need to find out

what time the coaches are arriving.

Sorry, Mary, petal, same rules for everyone.

Reception will take a message, yeah?

But I mean, we all have children, yeah?

Well, I don't literallybut...

Okay, lovely people. Let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge.

(WHISPERING) Come on. Quick. Fuck! Quick, come on. Fuck!

Jesus Christ, what's happened?

Is this the start of some zombie apocalypse?

What are you guys doing in?

Well, work comes first with me, Adam, you know that.

Protestant ethic. Oh, not that I'm at all anti-Catholic.

You're in for?

A meeting with Fergus.

Heads up, Lady and the Tramp are in, too.

Yeah, I know. Cheers.

Just make sure you copy me in on any minutes.

Okay. How about you copy that, yeah?

'Cause its party business, it's not ministerial.

The meeting is in the department.

While Peter is absent, I am his surrogate.

The King's Hand.

Yeah, finish him off with that hand as well, do you?

-Prick. -(DOOR CLOSES)

I may be needed.

I've been needed in the past.

Okay, people, I'd like to start this session with a question.

When is a party not a party?

-When it's at your house? -(ALL LAUGHING)

Peter!

STEWART: A party is not a party when it is plural.

There she is, the Party. Singular!

She thinks like you, she votes like you,

she is not you and yet, of course, she is you.

(SIGHS) I feel like I've joined the Scientologists.

Some of these people want a federal Britain, others don't.

And as long as we continue to do nothing,

we can call that consensus.

Why am I the only senior minister here?

Is JB punishing me?

Look, Mary Drake's here, Home Office.

And yes, JB is punishing you.

Okay, let's MacIntyre this. Stand up.

-Macintyre? -Let's find out...

In fact, chairs to the side, please.

Great, vague prancing about.

Isn't that one of the fundamental principles of democracy?

Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, you want to share your thoughts?

Hmm?

No, we just hoped we were going to do some dancing, er, Stewart.

What, Merce Cunningham, something like that?

Okay, maybe later you can share it with us.

But first of all, let me share something with you.

How about this, Silicon Playgrounds, yeah?

What caused this slow-motion pile-up?

Shall we sit down and chew over hash-tag epicfail

or shall we try and get some solutions on their feet?

That's it. Just put it at the side, Peter.

Then I was hoping to catch a bit of the snooker

after I've finished collating those healthy workplace stats.

Just down there.

Glenn, you're a marvel, you know, you're like

a modern-day Jeeves.

Only not modern-day.

Yeah, like Jeeves, but only not as good.

This meeting, is it something I should be in on?

ADAM: Well, it's not really a meeting.

It's more sort of faces with lips making noise.

Uh-huh. Sounds like a meeting.

Yeah, well, you know, Fergus just called

someone in for an exploratory chat.

GLENN: Right.

So, you know, stop Slytherin getting wind of it.

-(PHONE CHIMES) -Oh, hang on. I've got to go.

Need to get back to your telly.

It takes a while to warm up, doesn't it?

Here we are, at the coalface.

Ah. Adam, this is Tara Strachan.

-Hello, lovely to meet you. -Hi there.

-Really lovely, lovely. -Shall we, er...

-She's an economist and a lady. -Real pleasure, actually.

Yes, obviously. Lovely.

What's going on? Who's the skirt?

Oh, I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil.

I really would but I'm not going to live long enough.

So tell you what, why don't you go

and help Glenn watch his telly?

I think the dancing's on in a minute.

-I really like your coat, by the way. -Thank you. Thank you.

It's like a leopard.

-It is a little bit. -Or a cheetah.

Am I Supply-side Economics?

-No. -Oh, bugger.

Okay, Mary, come on, you've got to help Peter

work out what political concept he is.

You have one guess left.

Keep the energy up, guys, chins up, yeah?

Am I a solid, sensible concept?

No.

-The beauty of this model... -FERGUS: Yeah.

...is that microbanking can happen anywhere, okay?

-Great. -Small, low-interest loans,

that's the way forward.

This is terrific. I mean it's so fucking us, it's brilliant.

-Adam, Adam. -Ah.

Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion.

I've done some community enterprise case studies.

Sisters who want to set up a pop-up baker's

in a disused travel agents,

the boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice.

-Yeah. -The helping hand for hands-on people.

-Yeah. -I like that, that's great.

That's really good.

Making sure the can-doers don't get canned.

Terrific. Yeah, really good.

Would I be comfortable or uncomfortable talk...

Yes or no questions only, please, Peter.

Would I be uncomfortable talking to Andrew Marr

-about this concept on the television? -Yes.

-Am I Diversity? -No.

You're out of questions, Peter.

Oh, for fuck's sake, Inclusivity's

practically the same as Diversity.

-No, it's not. -No, it isn't, Peter.

I could be at home watching the snooker

with a bottle of unpronounceable Scotch.

Can I sit down now?

I'm sitting down, I don't care.

Actually, we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter.

Um, so take a chair

because Emma's going to co-steer module four with me.

We're going to do a kind of Top Trumps stats check

on the PM's future enemies, yeah?

Strengths, weaknesses, blocking moves and take-downs.

-Em. -Great, thank you, Stewart.

You've turned into the wrong Mitford Sister.

Basically, we'd set up a network of microcredit lenders

at neighbourhood level.

This is great. So, what would it be called?

-Like the Citizens' Bank or... -The People's Bank?

-Um, Community... -FERGUS: The Credit Fund?

No, no, credit's a bad word.

-Negative. -TARA: Um...

-Something with "Advance"... -The We Bank?

-The We Bank. -I like that.

Although it does sound a bit like a...sperm bank.

But for wee.

There's a bit of a farce going on here with your Mr Tickle.

They've turned up to evict him and he's not there.

Good, self-evicted. Gone. Problem solved.

Anyway, what's going on with Fergus and Adam and the sexy stranger?

She's some kind of economist, apparently.

Oh, don't be ridiculous, she's far too attractive.

You can get sexy economists,

what about Stephanie Flanders on Newsnight?

Yeah, that's true.

-I quite like Emily Maitlis. -Really?

Well, I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding.

Do you want to have an ideagasm?

Yes, please.

Ask me how we'd initially fund this?

BOTH: How would we initially fund this?

A one-off Robin Hood tax.

Steal from the fat cats,

raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds

for fledgling businesses.

You know what? This could work really well for us.

-This, this is, yeah. -Yeah?

I mean, let's just talk figures.

What sort of start-up capital are we talking here?

Not very much. I think we're looking at about two billion.

-(CLEARS THROAT) Two billion? -TARA: Two billion.

Good. Well, I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury.

-TARA: Sure. -And twist a few arms.

You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up

but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion.

Nicola Murray, we're assuming she's on her way out.

Well, that's a given, she's a political accident.

Nobody can quite remember how it happened.

Contender one, Ben Swain.

Now, ABC1's over-30s consider him shifty and unfocused.

-Can't think why that is. -(ALL LAUGHING)

Geoff Holhurst.

-STEWART: Tiny head. -Yeah, an Achilles head.

Ah, Dan Miller, definitely our anti-fave.

Charming, charismatic, clever, dedicated and...

-Phwoar! God, he's hot. -(ALL LAUGHING)

Yes, thanks, Em.

Okay, let's architecturalise this, yeah?

Oh, don't bother.

If it's Ben Swain, we all shout "Sweaty Swain!"

as he dehydrates himself through PMQs.

Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen.

And if it's Dan Miller, we're fucked.

I should tell you I do also

have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in.

What?

I would just knock that right on the head. Don't do it.

-FERGUS: Well... -(LAUGHING AWKWARDLY)

He's in opposition, we rule.

We're the rulers, we're the governors.

And, you know, in the end, this is so fucking us.

Fuck yeah!

FERGUS: Yeah.

Here. "Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard,

"author of Strapped: Why We're in Debt to Each Other.

"Small is Bountiful.

"Expert in microfinancing and community credit guilds."

God, that sounds dreary.

Bloody hell, that's all Fourth Sector stuff.

I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog?

And why are they keeping Mannion out of it?

This is government business!

Right, that's enough. Stop, stop, stop! I demand an explanation.

Sorry, Phil, we're busy. Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017?

As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him.

That's not good, probably illegal.

If you want to see something probably illegal,

pass me that fucking stapler over there.

Listen, is there a problem with me being here?

-Not at all. -Yes, you're not supposed to be here.

The Minister is unaware that you're here,

so I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Oh, right, so she's a security risk?

Oh, no, no, I'd forgotten.

You're not allowed within 50 feet of most women.

How do you explain this, then? I'm within 50 feet of you.

-Ha ha, you're a woman. -Oh, brilliant, that is really good.

GLENN: Fuck! Tickle's dead!

-Oh, shit. -Jesus.

GLENN: Oh, God, he's killed himself.

Suicide. He used a car exhaust.

Hey, classic. The Bohemian Rhapsodyof suicides.

GLENN: Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake!

I'm sorry. I just, you know, I mean it's, it's...

It's good in a way.

He was drawing attention to an issue and now he's...

he's not drawing attention to it...

Can you just turn it down, all right?

Because we have somebody in...

GLENN: I'm going to ring Terri.

God, I was just ringing you.

Yeah, well, I got a heads-up from Janine at Reuters

whilst I was planting the dwarf irises.

This is going to take a lot of managing. Who's that?

-No one. -Oh, Minister, sorry.

Yes, I'm halfway through a draft.

-Any minute. -Thank you, Terri.

Is this the homeless nurse?

-Er, yes. -That's awful.

This is Mr Tickel, it's a tragedy.

PHIL: Homeless out of choice, right, Fergus?

Now is really not the time to...

It's a tragedy and it's complicated.

Not complicated enough for you to voice any public opposition.

Hey, do you think we could not wash our dirty linen in public?

I'm not the one who shat the bed.

FERGUS: Tara, could you give us two minutes?

Yeah.

This situation calls for a black coffee and my Bluetooth headset.

Do not touch that phone, Glenn.

That is a Comms phone.

EMMA: Um...

No filters, Emma, first thoughts. We're policy-jamming here.

Okay, um, 24-7 parliament.

Oh, sorry, a little bit of mental housekeeping.

There is only positivity in the circle.

When someone makes a suggestion, we say, "Yes and..."

Yes and what?

We could, we could make a noise.

What noise would you suggest, Mary?

"Yes and ho."

Great, let's run with that. "Yes and ho."

Thanks. Emma.

-24-7 parliament. -ALL: Yes and ho.

Pay the unemployed to drive ambulances.

ALL: Yes and ho.

Free thermals for the elderly.

ALL: Yes and ho.

I'm just telling it straight.

Adam, the girl is still in our office.

Well... Well, then, let's get rid of her.

Well, ask her out, that'll do it.

-Did you get her a tea? -What?

-She needs a tea. -Well, get her a tea.

You get her a tea.

You get her a tea, she's your girlfriend.

-You get her a fucking tea. -I am the Minister.

I can't. I don't even know where the tea is made.

-Make her a tea. -Could you make her a tea?

-I'm not making her tea, I'm in charge. -You're not in charge.

-I am in charge. -GLENN: Get hold of Mannion,

-they need to know about this. -I am Mannion, I am Peter.

Hi, sorry.

Um, can I get you anything? Can I get you a tea, coffee?

-Oh, no, don't worry. You just... -Sure?

-Okay, sit tight. -Yeah.

It's fine, the protest is over.

It solves the problem. It's gone away.

It's like, there's a little 12-year-old boy in a suit

with a fucking light sabre in his desk,

don't think I don't know it's there,

running this department when Mannion's away.

-Yeah. So what? -It's a fucking joke.

No, it's not. No, it's not. Have you seen Game of ThronesSeason 2?

-No. -Or Anakin Skywalker, he was young.

Frodo, in his 30s, still young for a hobbit.

You know, I'm in charge.

Because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok.

Right, what is the Ewok position on this, then?

Free teabags.

ALL: Yes and ho.

Free maternity leave for people getting a puppy.

ALL: Yes and ho.

Er, Obese Olympics.

ALL: Yes and ho.

The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing.

That was the one clear instruction they gave me, okay?

-We ignore him and he goes away. -He is dead.

Which makes him easier to ignore.

As a Minister, I should at least express condolences.

-That should come from Peter. -But he's not here. I am.

Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset?

Look, I speak for Peter and I say

that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died.

I'll take that as a no.

Listen, Phil, I was a journalist, okay?

Now if you don't respond, you create a vacuum

that sucks in speculation and then you can't respond.

You get sucked fucking inside-out!

Look, Tickle wasn't the queen of people's hearts,

he was a twat in a tent.

(SCREAMING) "Tick-el"! He was called "Tick-el"!

We drove a man to his death!

-We are responsible for this! -Shh!

Glenn, please, shush.

Do you think we could just pretend

to behave like compassionate professionals

in control, just for once?

Yeah, okay, er... (SIGHS)

Look, whatever the fallout from today, Megaphone Mary...

You brought her in, she's your problem, okay?

Right, fuck. Adam, we need to...

(TARA TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Great stuff, Tara. We're going to go ahead with the bank.

Yeah, meeting's over.

-Don't you need to talk to the Treasury? -We've done that.

Okay. Well, let's talk details...

When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got...

Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it.

(LAUGHS) You don't want to do that.

So, is this the green light?

Uh-huh, yep. Two billion pounds.

-Oh, my God! -Oh!

Oh! Yes.

-Come here. -Oh, right. Okay.

Great, great, okay, terrific.

TARA: We'll be in touch. FERGUS AND ADAM: Thank you.

-Thank you. -Lovely to meet you, great.

What have we just green-lit?

Well, we are starting a community bank with, er, two billion pounds.

Right, is that the two billion pounds we keep in the biscuit tin?

This is just great. This is just fucking great.

-Oh. -I hang around this moral abattoir

to do something exactly like this and you shut me out?

So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank?

I thought the point about bank holidays

is that they're supposed to be shut.

You know, when we see something we like, we just buy it.

-Oh, wow. -That's the way we work round here.

I hope the Tickel situation is all okay.

Well, it'll be fine.

-Thank you. -Great. Lovely to meet you.

See you soon.

Right, I'm in fucking charge and I'm going Nordic drama.

Adam, secure the economist.

You get Stewart and Mannion back here, stat.

ADAM: Brilliant. Got that, guys? Yeah? Okay?

Sure, I'll do it your way for now, Fergus,

but they left me in charge for a reason.

I bet you line up all your action figures

along the edge of your bath, don't you?

One, I've got a shower and two, they're still in the boxes.

Emma, it's Phil, same message as before.

Tickle's topped himself, press want me to respond,

so just fucking ring me, okay?

Have you got any of them yet?

No, everyone's ignoring me.

It's like the first year of university all over again.

Fuck it, the whole of university.

-(PHONE RINGING) -Jesus.

Hello? No, I can categorically say

that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this.

Thank you.

-Who was that? -World at One.I handled it.

You don't handle The World at One,Phil, they're not stolen goods.

Now listen, if you want to go and play phones,

you can go down to the creche

where there's a big phone with big, boggly eyes

that go round and round when you wheel it about.

Now, piddle off!

(PHIL SIGHS)

We've got to put something out there, Terri.

That boy is a simpleton.

Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow.

Jonty, Terri here over at Hectic House.

(LAUGHS) No. No, Peter's not resigning.

Free apples.

ALL: Yes and ho.

Free coffins.

ALL: Yes and ho.

Reduce the deficit with spending cuts.

ALL: Yes and ho.

Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas

ricocheting off your sinuses like a pinball,

not just a two-year-old slogan, huh?

Okay, Dr Jazz, let's hear it.

We do away with computers.

-ALL: Yes and h... -You idiot, that's fucking mental!

No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint.

Do away with computers, what do we think?

How would it affect us? Good idea, bad idea?

Good idea for me, I wouldn't get

any more of your fucking emails.

Try and stay cross-legged if you can, Peter, don't break the circle.

I'm 54, Stewart, my knees are fucked

and my patience is snapped,

some of us had to go through this hippie shit

the first time around.

I'm not talking about trying to sell it to the electorate, Peter.

I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle.

Okay, give me the ball. Give me the ball.

-Give me the ball. -No.

Give me... Give me the fucking ball, Stewart!

-Let's do away with you. -What?

Filters off, Daddy-o, let it all hang out.

Just suppose your free-range no-consequence bullshit

was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition

and shitting money

but now that we're in government

and it's all gone a bit JG Ballard,

-it's irrelevant and infantile? -Oh, very droll, Peter.

Oh, and maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in

is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to.

Oh, sorry, doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho.

Er, I'm sorry, but does the sign on the door say "Do disturb"?

No.

Sorry, it is urgent.

Your office says, "Peter Mannion and Stewart Pearson

"should check their phones and call back now please."

Fine. Well, you've... You've burst

the thought bubble, um, receptionist,

so that's great, no.

Thank you very much. Fantastic.

-Okay, everyone, just take... -(PHONE CHIMES)

Sorry, is that a phone, Emma?

Er, hotline. Number 10.

It's just I'm amending some boring policy drafts.

They're encrypted but I've got to keep it on me.

It's a pain, actually.

PETER: And Stewart hasn't got one.

GLENN: Want the opinion of an old lag?

Mannion will have to go.

Stick to "policemen are getting younger", Glenn.

Peter's going nowhere,

and I don't mean that in a "Glenn's career" kind of way.

I've seen a lot of people resign

and they're always happier afterwards.

You're thinking of lobotomies.

Peter resigns over my dead body.

Yes, yes, that would be the ideal scenario.

It's probably just Phil. He will have

run out of colouring books or something.

Anything to get out of Stewart's think sphincter.

Hello, receptionist, could I have my phone please?

Um, your name, sir?

-It's Stewart. -Stewart...?

Stewart Pearson.

-Peter Mannion, mine's the old Nokia. -EMMA: It's engaged.

PETER: Yeah, thank you.

Look, mine's the one with Stewart written on it.

-No, nothing. -Just keep trying.

It's engaged.

I can't get any reception.

-No, you won't round here. -What?

"No reception at reception," we always say.

The best spot, sounds stupid, is the children's play area,

top of the slide?

Nothing.

-God, I hate the country. -(GRUNTS)

STEWART: Get higher, you idiot.

That's it, that's it, I've got something.

Download the intel, Peter. Come on, put it on speaker.

No, I've got loads of messages from my wife and from Phil.

(STEWART SIGHS)

-She's taking the dog to the hospital... -Oh, come on.

She's had a long wait...

The wound in his paw's gone septic.

Oh, please Peter, move on.

-Tickle's dead. -What?

Tickle's dead.

Okay, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down.

Wait, I'm listening to the message.

I'm listening to the fucking message.

-Don't... -I need to get this signal!

-Stop being so childish! -Jesus Christ!

Just get down, Peter.

(PETER GRUNTS)

-I've got it, I've got it. -EMMA: Playtime's over.

Tickle's dead, okay? Number 10's gone off the hook mental.

Stewart, take my phone to call the PM.

Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going to bring a shirt, suit and tie.

You are not going to arrive looking like

the manager of an organic wine bar.

Right. Come on, come on, come on!

-Movement. -STEWART: Shh, shh! Hello?

Update, Phil's intercepting Peter.

Everyone's coming back here, half an hour.

Coverley, Comms. Yeah, can you hold one second, please?

ETA plus 30 minutes GMT.

Well, anyway, um,

Mannion has surely got to freeze housing disposals now.

Yeah. And on that point, Glenn,

I wonder if it might be at all helpful

if we collated every single statement Mannion's made about Tickle

and the sell-off policy?

Yeah, as a sort of favour to selected hacks.

Put a bit of air between us and the policy, a lot of air.

Adam, this is not the time for party political point-scoring.

-At least let the body get cold. -Of course, understood!

What was it? What was it Peter said

to those Welsh chartered surveyors?

The health service should be for care, not subsidised housing.

I mean, that is...

(MIMES EXPLOSION)

Jesus, is this what we came into politics for?

Yeah. That and the pussy.

What's that?

I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide, not a fucking camel race.

I thought it would balance out the bad news.

You know, yin-yang. Jon Snow does it.

I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours

and I want his complete mental health records

since he first sat on a potty.

Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart?

Yeah, okay,

well, we're going to try and dredge up some firefighting strategy.

Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive.

Yeah, thanks, okay. All right, bye.

-Can I, can I take the seatbelt off? -No, Peter.

Stewart, what are you doing?

It helps with the car sickness.

This is great, isn't it, Stewart?

A conference on crisis management

that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis.

PHIL: We don't even know why he killed himself yet.

I mean, suicide, it's pathetic.

At least take some of your enemies with you,

that's a noble death.

This is going completely nuts, so many questions being asked.

Yes, starting with, "Why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?"

Don't panic, I brought an alternative.

But that's too far the other way.

It makes him look guilty.

How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi.

-He was at boot camp. -Oh.

Brilliant, let's release that, hey?

There's no actual blood on his hands

and he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife.

Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine?

-What's on your tie? -Tintin moon rockets.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

God, it amazes me you ever found

your way out of your mother's womb.

-Here he is. -Minister!

Minister, does the government have blood on its hands?

REPORTER 2: Minister, do you have anything to say to the family?

REPORTER 3: Is this something that could have been prevented?

REPORTER 4: Shouldn't you have done more, Minister?

-Not the trousers. -Let's show a little more decorum.

A man has died in tragic and complicated circumstances.

This is not the time for barked questions or hurried judgement.

But there will be a statement presently.

REPORTER 3: Was Mr Tickel killed by politics, Mr Mannion?

Heads-up now, yeah?

Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail,

"We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss", yeah?

Peter, we might need to re-launch the trousers.

Get him a tie, a bland one. Glenn, one of yours, yeah?

Peter, I have a bit of news that

I should probably make you aware of.

Yes, I do know, Fergus. A man with an amusing name has died.

Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I...

Well, I set up a community bank.

-What? -You did what? You...

You set up a bank?

I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like Hugh Grant.

Yeah. Well, we didn't really have much choice

because it was all going to piss in a kettle here,

so we had to get the economist out of the way.

What are you talking about? What economist?

Well, we were having a preliminary meeting

when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown,

it was getting embarrassing.

You bought a bank out of social embarrassment?

I sometimes buy The Big Issue out of social embarrassment,

I don't buy a fucking bank!

-Oh. -Peter, this is so fucking us.

STEWART: Just wind back, right?

Let's get this straight, just so I can deal with you two properly.

How much is this bank?

-Well, two billion. -Two billion.

-Sweet Tracey Emin! -EMMA: Two billion?

All right, don't need to shit yourself about it

because we're not buying it, okay? It's funded by taxes.

EMMA: Oh, that's all right, then. PETER: Oh, great! The triple.

I'm a nurse killer, a banker, and now I'm raising fucking taxes!

Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out?

You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one.

-Trousers! -Sorry, I'm getting your trousers.

(PHONE CHIMES)

Jesus, so what were you guys doing at the hotel?

There's a picture of you on a slide. It's been tweeted by a golfer.

-Oh, for... -No, no, no, no, no!

PHIL: It's going to go big, probably viral.

Bigger than "Charlie bit my finger".

You look like the Shit Family Robinson.

(SCREAMS)

-Jesus Christ! -Shit!

Oh, poor Stewart.

I think a bit of his brain broke.

My phone broke! I was up to warlock general in Dragonlance.

A year of my life, gone.

FERGUS: Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations,

what the fuck were you doing being photographed on a slide?

It was the only place we could get a fucking signal!

Two grown men in a playground? That's a pretty clear signal.

EMMA: Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo,

they don't want you to make a statement.

So, Fergus, looks like you're up.

Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, okay?

-Bring it! -I'm going to go talk Stewart down.

I don't want the fucking trousers!

Ah, Peter, sorry to take this off you, yeah?

But that's swings and roundabouts, isn't it?

-(MOBILE RINGING) -Coverley, Comms.

-Yeah, statement in, er... Emma? -Yes.

-Statement in? -Nine.

Nine, nine minutes.

Yeah. Okay, everyone.

Terri Coverley offline.

Okay, shall I bring you some tea?

Oh, Peter.

That tie's a bit rubbish, isn't it?

Can I just... Why don't I just help you with that?

-Well, I'm very willing to... -Take it.

PHIL: Jesus Christ, Terri.

Next time, why don't you just lick his spats?

FERGUS: This is not about changing policy,

this is not about running away from our obligations...

Here you go, I managed to wrestle your tie back off Terri.

I think there are still some of her fingernails in it, though.

Well, in the grand scheme of things, that's not such a big deal.

PHIL: You're not going to come and watch your guy give the statement?

No. He's not my guy, Phil.

I'm on my own here, there's no one quite like me.

-Not here, not any more. -Yeah.

You're the last VHS in Oxfam.

They won't take them any more, I've tried.

Seasons one to five of The X-Files. Nothing, can't give 'em away.

For a fairer NHS, for a fairer public housing programme.

PETER: He's exactly why people hate politicians.

He's making me hate politicians. Him in particular.

Any second now he's going to do the imaginary tits.

-PETER: There they are. -(BOTH LAUGHING)

Thank you.

PETER: Look at him.

Moments like this make you realise why Elvis shot so many TVs.