All language subtitles for The.Thick.Of.It.S04e03.1080p.Web.H264-Poppycock_track3_[eng]

As we enter the third week,

I find Mr Tickle's
attention-seeking,
tent-based twattery

even more annoying
than in weeks one and two.

Peter Mannion has
been picking on a man
with a history of depression.

-EMMA: I Call App Britain.
-App.

-MANNION: I Call Up Britain?
-I Call App Britain.

Silicon
Playgrounds are - is - go.

I just hope Mannion can keep
his baccy-stained
fingers out of it.

I Call You Up...App.

I couldn't have
looked more of a twat
unless I'd announced it

dressed as a mermaid
with scallops on my tits!

I was picked up at seven,
of course I
haven't walked the dog.

I barely had time
to take myself for a shit.

Phil,
I'm sure you're suffering
from Peter withdrawal symptoms

but, I really, really need you
to keep an eye on
the Tickel issue.

Thought Camp ETA 13 minutes,
okay?

You're taking the bridge,
Kieran.

Okay, well, you can start by
not referring to him as Gyppo.

Or Gypsy, Phil.

It's not the abbreviation
that's the problem.

If he has a thorn in his paw,

it must be from
when you took him
for a walk yesterday.

What do you mean,
you're in charge?

You are not in fucking charge,
you doughnut.

Of course you're going to
keep me informed,

I want the full
crunch on all the feeds,
as usual.

Everything below the equator.

Take him to the dog hospital.

No, I'm not being sarcastic.
There is one.

Keep an eye on things,
all right?

The number will
be in the folder.

What? (SIGHS)

Where are you
taking us, Stewart?

This Mind Kampf
is in the middle of nowhere.

Thought Camp, Peter.
And isolation is
the mother of renewal.

We shall retreat
to go forwards.

Terrible signal.

Phil sounded like
he was phoning in
a report on an African coup.

-Why's he even gone in today?
-I put him on
Tickel oversight.

STEWART: Oh, the eviction.

Well, cutting
the guy ropes on his tent
is hardly the siege of Troy.

Bailiffs thought it would be
easier today,
quicker or quieter.

Yeah, but I want
Phil sealed off, right?

He makes no statement today,
not even off the record.

-He wanted to feel useful.
-Then he should
sell his organs.

-Glenn.
-What?

What the fuck
are you doing here?

Oh,
God, you're not living here,
are you?

Oh, no, no, no.
I just got, er,

some stuff I've
got to catch up on.

Plus, one of my neighbours
is having a rooftop barbecue

and I didn't fancy
being bombarded

with chicken
bones and Radio 1.

Anyway, why aren't you
on Stewart's away day?

Drinking herbal tea
and playing leapfrog?

I told Stewart
where to get off.

Yeah, well, we've got
the whole palace
to ourselves, eh?

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

Yeah, but very much alive.
Well, one of us.

I'll put the kettle on.

Sure. Easy on the milk,
shaky hands.

Okay, people, abandon phones,
all ye who enter here.

And, er, watches, too.

Time is a leash on
the dog of ideas.

This is like some
weird inverted Dodge City.

Presumably we're allowed
to keep our six-shooters?

I might want to
blow my brains out.

Stewart, my son's coming back
from a school trip

and I'm going to need to
find out

what time
the coaches are arriving.

Sorry, Mary, petal,
same rules for everyone.

Reception will take a message,
yeah?

But I mean,
we all have children, yeah?

Well, I don't literallybut...

Okay, lovely people.
Let's go truffling
in the forest of knowledge.

(WHISPERING) Come on.
Quick. Fuck!
Quick, come on. Fuck!

Jesus Christ, what's happened?

Is this the start of some
zombie apocalypse?

What are you guys doing in?

Well, work comes
first with me, Adam,
you know that.

Protestant ethic.
Oh, not that I'm at
all anti-Catholic.

You're in for?

A meeting with Fergus.

Heads up, Lady and the Tramp
are in, too.

Yeah, I know. Cheers.

Just make sure you copy me
in on any minutes.

Okay. How about
you copy that, yeah?

'Cause its party business,
it's not ministerial.

The meeting is
in the department.

While Peter is absent,
I am his surrogate.

The King's Hand.

Yeah, finish him off
with that hand
as well, do you?

-Prick.
-(DOOR CLOSES)

I may be needed.

I've been needed in the past.

Okay,
people, I'd like to start
this session with a question.

When is a party not a party?

-When it's at your house?
-(ALL LAUGHING)

Peter!

STEWART:
A party is not a party
when it is plural.

There she is, the Party.
Singular!

She thinks like you,
she votes like you,

she is not you
and yet,
of course, she is you.

(SIGHS) I feel like
I've joined
the Scientologists.

Some of these people
want a federal Britain,
others don't.

And as long as
we continue to do nothing,

we can call that consensus.

Why am I the only
senior minister here?

Is JB punishing me?

Look, Mary Drake's here,
Home Office.

And yes, JB is punishing you.

Okay, let's MacIntyre this.
Stand up.

-Macintyre?
-Let's find out...

In fact,
chairs to the side, please.

Great, vague prancing about.

Isn't that one
of the fundamental
principles of democracy?

Oh, I'm sorry, Peter,
you want to
share your thoughts?

Hmm?

No, we just hoped
we were going to do
some dancing, er, Stewart.

What, Merce Cunningham,
something like that?

Okay, maybe later
you can share it with us.

But first of all,
let me share
something with you.

How about this,
Silicon Playgrounds,
yeah?

What caused this
slow-motion pile-up?

Shall we sit down
and chew over
hash-tag epicfail

or shall we try and get
some solutions on their feet?

That's it.
Just put it at the side,
Peter.

Then I was hoping
to catch a bit of the snooker

after I've finished collating
those healthy workplace stats.

Just down there.

Glenn, you're a marvel,
you know, you're like

a modern-day Jeeves.

Only not modern-day.

Yeah, like Jeeves,
but only not as good.

This meeting, is it something
I should be in on?

ADAM: Well,
it's not really a meeting.

It's more sort of
faces with lips making noise.

Uh-huh. Sounds like a meeting.

Yeah, well, you know,
Fergus just called

someone in for
an exploratory chat.

GLENN: Right.

So, you know,
stop Slytherin
getting wind of it.

-(PHONE CHIMES)
-Oh, hang on. I've got to go.

Need to get back
to your telly.

It takes a while to
warm up, doesn't it?

Here we are, at the coalface.

Ah.
Adam, this is Tara Strachan.

-Hello, lovely to meet you.
-Hi there.

-Really lovely, lovely.
-Shall we, er...

-She's
an economist and a lady.
-Real pleasure, actually.

Yes, obviously. Lovely.

What's going on?
Who's the skirt?

Oh, I'd love to
bring you up to speed, Phil.

I really would
but I'm not going
to live long enough.

So tell you what,
why don't you go

and help Glenn
watch his telly?

I think
the dancing's on in a minute.

-I really like
your coat, by the way.
-Thank you. Thank you.

It's like a leopard.

-It is a little bit.
-Or a cheetah.

Am I Supply-side Economics?

-No.
-Oh, bugger.

Okay, Mary, come on,
you've got to help Peter

work out what
political concept he is.

You have one guess left.

Keep the energy up, guys,
chins up, yeah?

Am I a solid,
sensible concept?

No.

-The beauty of this model...
-FERGUS: Yeah.

...is that microbanking
can happen anywhere, okay?

-Great.
-Small, low-interest loans,

that's the way forward.

This is terrific. I mean
it's so fucking us,
it's brilliant.

-Adam, Adam.
-Ah.

Oh, don't worry,
I don't mind swearing.
Shows passion.

I've done some
community
enterprise case studies.

Sisters who want to set up
a pop-up baker's

in a disused travel agents,

the boiler guy
who wants to take
on an apprentice.

-Yeah.
-The helping hand
for hands-on people.

-Yeah.
-I like that, that's great.

That's really good.

Making sure the can-doers
don't get canned.

Terrific. Yeah, really good.

Would I be comfortable
or uncomfortable talk...

Yes or no questions only,
please, Peter.

Would I be uncomfortable
talking to Andrew Marr

-about this concept
on the television?
-Yes.

-Am I Diversity?
-No.

You're out of questions,
Peter.

Oh, for fuck's sake,
Inclusivity's

practically the same
as Diversity.

-No, it's not.
-No, it isn't, Peter.

I could be at home
watching the snooker

with a bottle of
unpronounceable Scotch.

Can I sit down now?

I'm sitting down,
I don't care.

Actually,
we can all sit down now.
Thanks, Peter.

Um, so take a chair

because Emma's
going to co-steer
module four with me.

We're going to do a kind of
Top Trumps stats check

on the PM's
future enemies, yeah?

Strengths, weaknesses,
blocking moves and take-downs.

-Em.
-Great, thank you, Stewart.

You've turned into
the wrong Mitford Sister.

Basically,
we'd set up a network
of microcredit lenders

at neighbourhood level.

This is great.
So, what would it be called?

-Like the Citizens' Bank or...
-The People's Bank?

-Um, Community...
-FERGUS: The Credit Fund?

No, no, credit's a bad word.

-Negative.
-TARA: Um...

-Something with "Advance"...
-The We Bank?

-The We Bank.
-I like that.

Although it does sound
a bit like a...sperm bank.

But for wee.

There's a bit of
a farce going on here
with your Mr Tickle.

They've turned up to evict him
and he's not there.

Good, self-evicted.
Gone. Problem solved.

Anyway, what's going on with
Fergus and Adam and
the sexy stranger?

She's some kind of economist,
apparently.

Oh, don't be ridiculous,
she's far too attractive.

You can get sexy economists,

what about Stephanie Flanders
on Newsnight?

Yeah, that's true.

-I quite like Emily Maitlis.
-Really?

Well, I'm sure she'd love
a grey pounding.

Do you want to
have an ideagasm?

Yes, please.

Ask me how we'd
initially fund this?

BOTH: How would we
initially fund this?

A one-off Robin Hood tax.

Steal from the fat cats,

raise enough seed capital
for hundreds of start-up funds

for fledgling businesses.

You know what?
This could work
really well for us.

-This, this is, yeah.
-Yeah?

I mean,
let's just talk figures.

What sort of start-up capital
are we talking here?

Not very much. I think
we're looking at
about two billion.

-(CLEARS THROAT) Two billion?
-TARA: Two billion.

Good. Well, I mean, obviously,
I'd have to ring the Treasury.

-TARA: Sure.
-And twist a few arms.

You know, it'll take
a couple of weeks to work up

but we are extremely keen
to set that process in motion.

Nicola Murray, we're assuming
she's on her way out.

Well, that's a given,
she's a political accident.

Nobody can quite remember
how it happened.

Contender one, Ben Swain.

Now, ABC1's over-30s
consider him
shifty and unfocused.

-Can't think why that is.
-(ALL LAUGHING)

Geoff Holhurst.

-STEWART: Tiny head.
-Yeah, an Achilles head.

Ah, Dan Miller,
definitely our anti-fave.

Charming, charismatic,
clever, dedicated and...

-Phwoar! God, he's hot.
-(ALL LAUGHING)

Yes, thanks, Em.

Okay, let's
architecturalise this, yeah?

Oh, don't bother.

If it's Ben Swain,
we all shout "Sweaty Swain!"

as he dehydrates
himself through PMQs.

Holhurst looks like a shepherd
dressed up to meet the Queen.

And if it's Dan Miller,
we're fucked.

I should tell you I do also

have a meeting with
Dan Miller booked in.

What?

I would just knock that
right on the head.
Don't do it.

-FERGUS: Well...
-(LAUGHING AWKWARDLY)

He's in opposition, we rule.

We're the rulers,
we're the governors.

And, you know, in the end,
this is so fucking us.

Fuck yeah!

FERGUS: Yeah.

Here.
"Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard,

"author of Strapped:
Why We're in
Debt to Each Other.

"Small is Bountiful.

"Expert in microfinancing
and community credit guilds."

God, that sounds dreary.

Bloody hell,
that's all
Fourth Sector stuff.

I mean, why have
they kept me out here
like a stray dog?

And why are they keeping
Mannion out of it?

This is government business!

Right, that's enough.
Stop, stop, stop!
I demand an explanation.

Sorry, Phil, we're busy.
Maybe come back in,
I don't know, 2017?

As Peter's representative,
it's as though
you lied to him.

That's not good,
probably illegal.

If you want to see something
probably illegal,

pass me that fucking
stapler over there.

Listen, is there a problem
with me being here?

-Not at all.
-Yes, you're not
supposed to be here.

The Minister is unaware
that you're here,

so I'm going to have to
ask you to leave.

Oh, right,
so she's a security risk?

Oh, no, no, I'd forgotten.

You're not allowed
within 50 feet of most women.

How do you explain this, then?
I'm within 50 feet of you.

-Ha ha, you're a woman.
-Oh, brilliant,
that is really good.

GLENN: Fuck! Tickle's dead!

-Oh, shit.
-Jesus.

GLENN: Oh, God,
he's killed himself.

Suicide.
He used a car exhaust.

Hey, classic.
The Bohemian
Rhapsodyof suicides.

GLENN:
Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake!

I'm sorry.
I just, you know,
I mean it's, it's...

It's good in a way.

He was drawing
attention to an issue
and now he's...

he's not drawing
attention to it...

Can you just turn
it down, all right?

Because we have somebody in...

GLENN:
I'm going to ring Terri.

God, I was just ringing you.

Yeah, well, I got a heads-up
from Janine at Reuters

whilst I was
planting the dwarf irises.

This is going to
take a lot of managing.
Who's that?

-No one.
-Oh, Minister, sorry.

Yes,
I'm halfway through a draft.

-Any minute.
-Thank you, Terri.

Is this the homeless nurse?

-Er, yes.
-That's awful.

This is Mr Tickel,
it's a tragedy.

PHIL: Homeless out of choice,
right, Fergus?

Now is really
not the time to...

It's a tragedy and
it's complicated.

Not complicated enough
for you to voice
any public opposition.

Hey, do you think we could not
wash our dirty
linen in public?

I'm not the one
who shat the bed.

FERGUS:
Tara, could you give us
two minutes?

Yeah.

This situation
calls for a black coffee
and my Bluetooth headset.

Do not touch
that phone, Glenn.

That is a Comms phone.

EMMA: Um...

No filters,
Emma, first thoughts.
We're policy-jamming here.

Okay, um, 24-7 parliament.

Oh, sorry, a little bit of
mental housekeeping.

There is only
positivity in the circle.

When someone
makes a suggestion,
we say, "Yes and..."

Yes and what?

We could,
we could make a noise.

What noise would
you suggest, Mary?

"Yes and ho."

Great, let's run with that.
"Yes and ho."

Thanks. Emma.

-24-7 parliament.
-ALL: Yes and ho.

Pay the unemployed
to drive ambulances.

ALL: Yes and ho.

Free thermals for the elderly.

ALL: Yes and ho.

I'm just telling it straight.

Adam, the girl is
still in our office.

Well... Well, then,
let's get rid of her.

Well,
ask her out, that'll do it.

-Did you get her a tea?
-What?

-She needs a tea.
-Well, get her a tea.

You get her a tea.

You get her a tea,
she's your girlfriend.

-You get her a fucking tea.
-I am the Minister.

I can't. I don't even know
where the tea is made.

-Make her a tea.
-Could you make her a tea?

-I'm not making her tea,
I'm in charge.
-You're not in charge.

-I am in charge.
-GLENN: Get hold of Mannion,

-they need to know about this.
-I am Mannion, I am Peter.

Hi, sorry.

Um, can I get you anything?
Can I get you a tea, coffee?

-Oh, no, don't worry.
You just...
-Sure?

-Okay, sit tight.
-Yeah.

It's fine,
the protest is over.

It solves the problem.
It's gone away.

It's like, there's a little
12-year-old boy in a suit

with a fucking
light sabre in his desk,

don't think I
don't know it's there,

running this department
when Mannion's away.

-Yeah. So what?
-It's a fucking joke.

No, it's not. No, it's not.
Have you seen Game
of ThronesSeason 2?

-No.
-Or Anakin Skywalker,
he was young.

Frodo, in his 30s,
still young for a hobbit.

You know, I'm in charge.

Because I'm a Jedi and
you're a fucking Ewok.

Right,
what is the Ewok position
on this, then?

Free teabags.

ALL: Yes and ho.

Free maternity leave
for people getting a puppy.

ALL: Yes and ho.

Er, Obese Olympics.

ALL: Yes and ho.

The line from Stewart via Emma
was that I do nothing.

That was the one
clear instruction
they gave me, okay?

-We ignore him
and he goes away.
-He is dead.

Which makes him
easier to ignore.

As a Minister, I should
at least express condolences.

-That should come from Peter.
-But he's not here. I am.

Has anyone seen my
Bluetooth headset?

Look,
I speak for Peter and I say

that we look guilty
if we say we're sorry he died.

I'll take that as a no.

Listen, Phil,
I was a journalist, okay?

Now if you don't respond,
you create a vacuum

that sucks in speculation
and then you can't respond.

You get sucked
fucking inside-out!

Look, Tickle wasn't the queen
of people's hearts,

he was a twat in a tent.

(SCREAMING) "Tick-el"!
He was called "Tick-el"!

We drove a man to his death!

-We are responsible for this!
-Shh!

Glenn, please, shush.

Do you think we
could just pretend

to behave like
compassionate professionals

in control, just for once?

Yeah, okay, er... (SIGHS)

Look, whatever
the fallout from today,
Megaphone Mary...

You brought her in,
she's your problem, okay?

Right, fuck.
Adam, we need to...

(TARA TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Great stuff, Tara.
We're going to go
ahead with the bank.

Yeah, meeting's over.

-Don't you need to
talk to the Treasury?
-We've done that.

Okay.
Well, let's talk details...

When it comes to
interest rates,
obviously you've got...

Well, hey, you know,
don't talk us out of it.

(LAUGHS) You
don't want to do that.

So, is this the green light?

Uh-huh, yep.
Two billion pounds.

-Oh, my God!
-Oh!

Oh! Yes.

-Come here.
-Oh, right. Okay.

Great, great, okay, terrific.

TARA: We'll be in touch.
FERGUS AND ADAM: Thank you.

-Thank you.
-Lovely to meet you, great.

What have we just green-lit?

Well, we are
starting a community bank
with, er, two billion pounds.

Right, is that
the two billion pounds
we keep in the biscuit tin?

This is just great.
This is just fucking great.

-Oh.
-I hang around
this moral abattoir

to do something
exactly like this
and you shut me out?

So,
I'm spending my bank holiday
founding a bank?

I thought the point about
bank holidays

is that they're
supposed to be shut.

You know, when we
see something we like,
we just buy it.

-Oh, wow.
-That's the way
we work round here.

I hope the Tickel
situation is all okay.

Well, it'll be fine.

-Thank you.
-Great. Lovely to meet you.

See you soon.

Right, I'm in fucking charge
and I'm going Nordic drama.

Adam, secure the economist.

You get Stewart and Mannion
back here, stat.

ADAM: Brilliant.
Got that, guys?
Yeah? Okay?

Sure, I'll do it your way
for now, Fergus,

but they left me in
charge for a reason.

I bet you line up
all your action figures

along the edge of
your bath, don't you?

One, I've got a shower
and two,
they're still in the boxes.

Emma, it's Phil,
same message as before.

Tickle's topped himself,
press want me to respond,

so just fucking ring me, okay?

Have you got any of them yet?

No, everyone's ignoring me.

It's like the first
year of university
all over again.

Fuck it,
the whole of university.

-(PHONE RINGING)
-Jesus.

Hello?
No, I can categorically say

that Peter Mannion
will not be
resigning over this.

Thank you.

-Who was that?
-World at One.I handled it.

You don't handle
The World at One,Phil,
they're not stolen goods.

Now listen, if you want
to go and play phones,

you can go down to the creche

where there's a big phone
with big, boggly eyes

that go round and round
when you wheel it about.

Now, piddle off!

(PHIL SIGHS)

We've got to put
something out there, Terri.

That boy is a simpleton.

Two hundred years ago,
they wouldn't have
let him milk a cow.

Jonty, Terri here
over at Hectic House.

(LAUGHS) No.
No, Peter's not resigning.

Free apples.

ALL: Yes and ho.

Free coffins.

ALL: Yes and ho.

Reduce the deficit
with spending cuts.

ALL: Yes and ho.

Peter, Peter,
I want to hear new ideas

ricocheting off your sinuses
like a pinball,

not just
a two-year-old slogan, huh?

Okay, Dr Jazz, let's hear it.

We do away with computers.

-ALL: Yes and h...
-You idiot,
that's fucking mental!

No blocking,
Peter, only counterpoint.

Do away with computers,
what do we think?

How would it affect us?
Good idea, bad idea?

Good idea for me,
I wouldn't get

any more of your
fucking emails.

Try and stay
cross-legged if you can,
Peter, don't break the circle.

I'm 54,
Stewart, my knees are fucked

and my patience is snapped,

some of us had to go through
this hippie shit

the first time around.

I'm not talking about trying
to sell it to the electorate,
Peter.

I'm talking about exploring it
within the free
space of the circle.

Okay, give me the ball.
Give me the ball.

-Give me the ball.
-No.

Give me... Give me
the fucking ball, Stewart!

-Let's do away with you.
-What?

Filters off, Daddy-o,
let it all hang out.

Just suppose your free-range
no-consequence bullshit

was hugely entertaining
when we were in opposition

and shitting money

but now that we're
in government

and it's all gone
a bit JG Ballard,

-it's
irrelevant and infantile?
-Oh, very droll, Peter.

Oh, and maybe the reason
you don't mind
handing your phone in

is that it doesn't ring
as much as it used to.

Oh,
sorry, doesn't ring as much
as it used to, yes and ho.

Er,
I'm sorry, but does the sign
on the door say "Do disturb"?

No.

Sorry, it is urgent.

Your office says,
"Peter Mannion
and Stewart Pearson

"should check their phones
and call back now please."

Fine. Well, you've...
You've burst

the thought bubble,
um, receptionist,

so that's great, no.

Thank you very much.
Fantastic.

-Okay, everyone, just take...
-(PHONE CHIMES)

Sorry, is that a phone, Emma?

Er, hotline. Number 10.

It's just I'm amending
some boring policy drafts.

They're encrypted
but I've got to keep it on me.

It's a pain, actually.

PETER:
And Stewart hasn't got one.

GLENN: Want
the opinion of an old lag?

Mannion will have to go.

Stick to "policemen are
getting younger", Glenn.

Peter's going nowhere,

and I don't mean that
in a "Glenn's
career" kind of way.

I've seen a lot of people
resign

and they're always
happier afterwards.

You're thinking of lobotomies.

Peter resigns
over my dead body.

Yes, yes, that would be
the ideal scenario.

It's probably just Phil.
He will have

run out of colouring
books or something.

Anything to get out of
Stewart's think sphincter.

Hello, receptionist,
could I have my phone please?

Um, your name, sir?

-It's Stewart.
-Stewart...?

Stewart Pearson.

-Peter Mannion,
mine's the old Nokia.
-EMMA: It's engaged.

PETER: Yeah, thank you.

Look, mine's the one
with Stewart written on it.

-No, nothing.
-Just keep trying.

It's engaged.

I can't get any reception.

-No, you won't round here.
-What?

"No reception at reception,"
we always say.

The best spot, sounds stupid,
is the children's play area,

top of the slide?

Nothing.

-God, I hate the country.
-(GRUNTS)

STEWART:
Get higher, you idiot.

That's it, that's it,
I've got something.

Download the intel, Peter.
Come on, put it on speaker.

No, I've got loads of messages
from my wife and from Phil.

(STEWART SIGHS)

-She's taking
the dog to the hospital...
-Oh, come on.

She's had a long wait...

The wound in his
paw's gone septic.

Oh, please Peter, move on.

-Tickle's dead.
-What?

Tickle's dead.

Okay,
it's my turn on that signal,
Peter, get down.

Wait, I'm listening to
the message.

I'm listening to
the fucking message.

-Don't...
-I need to get this signal!

-Stop being so childish!
-Jesus Christ!

Just get down, Peter.

(PETER GRUNTS)

-I've got it, I've got it.
-EMMA: Playtime's over.

Tickle's dead, okay?
Number 10's gone
off the hook mental.

Stewart,
take my phone to call the PM.

Right, Phil's
meeting us, he's going to
bring a shirt, suit and tie.

You are not going to arrive
looking like

the manager of
an organic wine bar.

Right.
Come on, come on, come on!

-Movement.
-STEWART: Shh, shh! Hello?

Update,
Phil's intercepting Peter.

Everyone's coming back here,
half an hour.

Coverley, Comms.
Yeah, can you hold
one second, please?

ETA plus 30 minutes GMT.

Well, anyway, um,

Mannion has
surely got to freeze
housing disposals now.

Yeah. And on that point,
Glenn,

I wonder if it
might be at all helpful

if we collated
every single statement
Mannion's made about Tickle

and the sell-off policy?

Yeah, as a sort of favour
to selected hacks.

Put a bit of air
between us and the policy,
a lot of air.

Adam, this is not the time
for party
political point-scoring.

-At least let
the body get cold.
-Of course, understood!

What was it?
What was it Peter said

to those Welsh
chartered surveyors?

The health service should be
for care,
not subsidised housing.

I mean, that is...

(MIMES EXPLOSION)

Jesus, is this what
we came into politics for?

Yeah. That and the pussy.

What's that?

I'm supposed to be commenting
on a suicide,
not a fucking camel race.

I thought it would balance out
the bad news.

You know, yin-yang.
Jon Snow does it.

I want Tickle's movements
over the last 24 hours

and I want his complete
mental health records

since he first sat on a potty.

Do you think you might need
one or two
computers for that, Stewart?

Yeah, okay,

well, we're going
to try and dredge up
some firefighting strategy.

Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.
I'll top-load you
as soon as we arrive.

Yeah, thanks, okay.
All right, bye.

-Can I,
can I take the seatbelt off?
-No, Peter.

Stewart, what are you doing?

It helps with
the car sickness.

This is great,
isn't it, Stewart?

A conference on
crisis management

that's been scuppered
by an actual fucking crisis.

PHIL: We don't even know
why he killed himself yet.

I mean,
suicide, it's pathetic.

At least take some of your
enemies with you,

that's a noble death.

This is going completely nuts,
so many questions being asked.

Yes,
starting with, "Why did Phil
bring a tie from the '90s?"

Don't panic,
I brought an alternative.

But that's too
far the other way.

It makes him look guilty.

How can he be guilty?
He's got the perfect alibi.

-He was at boot camp.
-Oh.

Brilliant,
let's release that, hey?

There's no actual
blood on his hands

and he remembered to wipe
the fingerprints
off the knife.

Look, you can wear my tie,
what about mine?

-What's on your tie?
-Tintin moon rockets.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

God, it amazes me
you ever found

your way out of
your mother's womb.

-Here he is.
-Minister!

Minister, does the government
have blood on its hands?

REPORTER 2:
Minister, do you have
anything to say to the family?

REPORTER 3: Is this something
that could have
been prevented?

REPORTER 4: Shouldn't you
have done more, Minister?

-Not the trousers.
-Let's show
a little more decorum.

A man has died in tragic
and complicated circumstances.

This is not the time for
barked questions or
hurried judgement.

But there will be
a statement presently.

REPORTER 3: Was Mr Tickel
killed by politics,
Mr Mannion?

Heads-up now, yeah?

Terri, poppet, can you
send me out a cry-mail,

"We give a toss,
we're sorry for
your loss", yeah?

Peter, we might need
to re-launch the trousers.

Get him a tie, a bland one.
Glenn, one of yours, yeah?

Peter, I have
a bit of news that

I should probably
make you aware of.

Yes, I do know, Fergus.
A man with
an amusing name has died.

Er, no, actually,
it's that this morning I...

Well,
I set up a community bank.

-What?
-You did what? You...

You set up a bank?

I had a moment of weakness and
they exploited it,
like Hugh Grant.

Yeah.
Well, we didn't
really have much choice

because it was
all going to piss
in a kettle here,

so we had to get the economist
out of the way.

What are you talking about?
What economist?

Well, we were having
a preliminary meeting

when Phil started to crow,
Glenn was having a meltdown,

it was getting embarrassing.

You bought a bank
out of social embarrassment?

I sometimes buy The Big Issue
out of social embarrassment,

I don't buy a fucking bank!

-Oh.
-Peter, this is so fucking us.

STEWART:
Just wind back, right?

Let's get this straight,
just so I can
deal with you two properly.

How much is this bank?

-Well, two billion.
-Two billion.

-Sweet Tracey Emin!
-EMMA: Two billion?

All right, don't need
to shit yourself about it

because we're not
buying it, okay?
It's funded by taxes.

EMMA:
Oh, that's all right, then.
PETER: Oh, great! The triple.

I'm a nurse killer, a banker,
and now I'm
raising fucking taxes!

Well, you are meant
to be the bad cop,
so what's our out?

You're giving me
an actual noose
along with a metaphorical one.

-Trousers!
-Sorry,
I'm getting your trousers.

(PHONE CHIMES)

Jesus, so what were
you guys doing at the hotel?

There's a picture
of you on a slide.
It's been tweeted by a golfer.

-Oh, for...
-No, no, no, no, no!

PHIL: It's going to go big,
probably viral.

Bigger than
"Charlie bit my finger".

You look like
the Shit Family Robinson.

(SCREAMS)

-Jesus Christ!
-Shit!

Oh, poor Stewart.

I think a bit of
his brain broke.

My phone broke! I was up to
warlock general
in Dragonlance.

A year of my life, gone.

FERGUS: Peter, speaking of
socially
embarrassing situations,

what the fuck were you doing
being photographed on a slide?

It was the only place
we could get a fucking signal!

Two grown men in a playground?
That's a pretty clear signal.

EMMA: Peter, Number 10
have seen the photo,

they don't want you
to make a statement.

So,
Fergus, looks like you're up.

Statement on Tickle
in 10 minutes, okay?

-Bring it!
-I'm going to go
talk Stewart down.

I don't want
the fucking trousers!

Ah, Peter,
sorry to take
this off you, yeah?

But that's swings
and roundabouts,
isn't it?

-(MOBILE RINGING)
-Coverley, Comms.

-Yeah, statement in, er...
Emma?
-Yes.

-Statement in?
-Nine.

Nine, nine minutes.

Yeah. Okay, everyone.

Terri Coverley offline.

Okay,
shall I bring you some tea?

Oh, Peter.

That tie's a bit rubbish,
isn't it?

Can I just...
Why don't I just
help you with that?

-Well, I'm very willing to...
-Take it.

PHIL: Jesus Christ, Terri.

Next time, why don't
you just lick his spats?

FERGUS: This is not about
changing policy,

this is not about running away
from our obligations...

Here you go, I managed to
wrestle your tie
back off Terri.

I think there are still
some of her
fingernails in it, though.

Well, in the grand
scheme of things,
that's not such a big deal.

PHIL: You're not
going to come and watch
your guy give the statement?

No. He's not my guy, Phil.

I'm on my own here,
there's no one quite like me.

-Not here, not any more.
-Yeah.

You're the last VHS in Oxfam.

They won't take them any more,
I've tried.

Seasons one to
five of The X-Files.
Nothing, can't give 'em away.

For a fairer NHS,
for a fairer public
housing programme.

PETER: He's exactly why
people hate politicians.

He's making me
hate politicians.
Him in particular.

Any second now
he's going to do
the imaginary tits.

-PETER: There they are.
-(BOTH LAUGHING)

Thank you.

PETER: Look at him.

Moments like this
make you realise
why Elvis shot so many TVs.