All language subtitles for The.Thick.Of.It.S04e01.1080p.Web.H264-Poppycock_track3_[eng]

No, of course I know
it's our anniversary.

What do you think
the card was for?

I left it on
the kitchen table.

Oh, right.
My bad, as they say.

You're a very
tidy man, aren't you?

"There's no
happiness without order."

It's a Nazi quote
but nonetheless,
stands the test of time.

When is Peter getting in?

That nurse is becoming a bit
of a running sore.
Which is ironic.

-"Tickle"? Mr "Tickle"?
-Mr "Tick-el".

He's not still in
his fucking tent,
is he?

I know we only have
one anniversary a year.

There's a clue in the name,
I did do Classics.

I'm not being chippy,
it's a fact.

-I'm saying "Tick-el".
-"Tickle".

It undermines him.
If we say "Tickle",
it makes him look stupid.

Like I was at
school with a guy
called Timothy Burr.

I just think:
either change school
or change your name

but don't get your mum to ring
my mum and complain about
the lumberjack jokes.

Why was she complaining?
I don't understand.

Er, Timothy Burr. Tim Burr.

Well, I can't leave
before my Coalition partner.

Fergus, I told you.

Well, I say partner.
He's Lewis, I'm Morse.

I hate to ask
but I've got to ask.

Are you ready for today,
Fergus?

Yeah. Somewhat.

Silicon
Playgrounds are - is - go.

I just hope Mannion can keep
his baccy-stained
fingers out of it.

(SIGHS) Don't worry
about Mannion. He's allergic
to the 21st century.

Yeah, he didn't like the 20th
much and the 19th makes
him fart papyrus.

I...I think I'd
better end this call now
in case I get a brain tumour.

Precisely.
I'd lose all my
lovely thick hair.

Can't wait for later.

What?

Yes, I mean the whole protest
is really taking off.

It's a sensible policy.
If we sell off NHS
key worker housing,

we can pay off the PFI debts.

I mean, we haven't
made him live in a tent,
we just sold his house.

The cold winter
will finish him off,
he's like bindweed.

PETER: Well,
you know I can be romantic.

Haven't we... Oh, piss Christ,
I've been spotted.

TERRI: Peter.
PETER: Mmm-hmm?

Can we talk Tickel?

I'd love to but I think
Fergus was asking for you,

something about, um, silicon?

Okay, well, Tickel you later.

Oh, she just made eyes at me.

God, I wish I could make
redundancy at her.

Okay, so we've got 30
of these bigger phones,

we've got another 50 of those,
these are probably...

-stay-outside...
-TERRI: Morning!

Big day for
the Reception class,
well done you.

Ah. Oh, I'm not sure
App-ortunity works.

Er, yes, it does.
It combines "app"
and "opportunity".

Yes, I know that.

It just looks like a team name
from The Apprentice,
that's all.

As you can see, Terri,

I'm carefully noting down
every single one
of your comments.

Excuse me, you asked
to see me for the launch
of Silicon Playgrounds, no?

I have never asked to see you.

Terri, don't worry about us,
go and help
Malfoy and his dad.

Thanks, Ridgeley.

-I don't get it.
-Andrew Ridgeley.
Wham. Hitched a ride.

Oh, a contemporary reference,
yeah.

Yeah, very up-to-date.
A bit like your hair.

What is it you ask for?
The Disney Prince?

Yeah, what do you ask for?
Er, the...the...wanker?

Brilliant.

Right. Oh,
forgot to tell you, sorry,
um, Stewart's popping in.

Oh, fuck me.
What's the Last
Airbender want?

Yes, well, he needs the...
Excuse me!

Oh, Jesus, Terri!
This came through yesterday.

Yes, well, it came at 6:05.
I turn off all my
work devices at 6:00.

After that it's me,
the Kindle and Jodi Picoult.

"Silicon Playgrounds project
cleared for uplaunch."

-Boom!
-(CHUCKLES) Hello, century 21.

We get kids to create apps
in schools, we pay them
a digital dividend,

we foster a new generation
of entrepreneurs.

Sounds like that
third Tronfilm
no one's waiting for.

Come on,
we'd better tell Peter.

Well, we could celebrate it
another time.

I mean, technically,
and thrillingly, it'll be our
anniversary all year!

Oh, sorry, darling,
I've got to go, I think
the bailiffs are coming

to take away my will to live.

Fergus, my Coalition colleague
stroke Junior,
big day for you.

Every day is a big
day for me, Peter,
that's why I...

get here an hour before you.

I'm afraid the Human Snowman
is coming in now.

Stewart! Great.

Ah, if it isn't Raffles,
the gentleman MP.

Why are you two
coming in together, something
we should know about?

Oh, yeah,
Stewart and I were married
in Vegas, didn't you know?

We're really happy, yeah.

Okay,
everyone, meeting room, now!

Oh,
Terri, could you get someone
to bring me some chai?

I'm parched as a cuttlefish.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Okay, folks, today's headline
in Copperplate
Gothic Bold, font 72,

is: Emma and I broke the fast
this a.m. with the PM.

And it is a massive yes.

So our Silicon Playground
initiative is going to be
the standard bearer

for the Networked Nation.

It is a double, double win.

A double win for both babies
of the Coalition, yeah?

-Absolutely.
-It's win squared.

Terrific.

Right, shall we do
a Mexican wave
round the table?

From my POV,
re all this, big hurrah.

We're ready to upload,
i.e. let's launch the fucker.

Great, I'm registering
your energy, Fergus,

but we've decided
it's going to be launched by

the Secretary of State
for Social
Affairs and Citizenship.

Oh! All my gallstones
have come at once.

-Are you fucking serious?
-What is wrong
with you people?

Peter can't even right-click
a fucking mouse.

PHIL: He can, it's track pads
he has a problem with.

No. No, you come in here like
Dr Robotnik and say,
"Oh, I'm sorry."

We put in the graft on this.
You can't just take it off us.

-Oh, I think we can.
You see...
-We can.

The Coalition's
like a band, guys,
and every band has a frontman.

He's Florence and you're...

-Well, you're the Machine.
-The Machine, yeah.

Hey! Sorry, I'm late, guys.
I was just
changing in a phone booth.

(CHUCKLES)

-Was that a joke or...
-Yeah. No, I was on the phone.

Hey,
Fergus, you look a bit A&E.
Everything all right?

No, er, Mannion is announcing
Silicon Playgrounds on
Stewart's orders.

-PM's orders.
-GLENN: What?

Hey, hey,
hey, hey, hang on a moment.
This is demarcation stuff.

This is Fourth Sector, right?

And I am
the Fourth Sector guru.

Yeah, I've been on Team Fergus
on this, you know,

me and the Inbetweeners.

The what? The what? Sorry?

-You know that's
what we call you.
-That's what they call you.

We did all the work on this.
Us, we're a team, we did it.

And now you're going to say
we're going to
play a new game,

pass the parcel,
and he gets to unwrap it?

I don't think so.

-This is bollocks, Stewart.
-TERRI:
Oh, come on, calm down.

-Just a second. Bollocks.
-Glenn,
just leave it, leave it.

EMMA: He's seriously going to
have a heart attack,
look at him.

God, will we cope now?
Can we even carry on?

Oh, it doesn't seem
to have changed anything.

All right, the top line,
folks, is this. It's about
coalition, remember, yeah?

No,
this is not about coalition,

this is about you nicking
our ideas and doing us
up the Eurotunnel.

-All right.
-PHIL: Come on.

You're basically a couple of
homeless guys we've invited
to Christmas dinner.

Don't bitch because
we don't let you
carve the turkey.

Let me just say it simply
for you, Stewart:

I don't understand
the Networked Nation

and the Silicon fucking
Playground "jigabits",

people watching television
on telephones.

For what it's worth, I think
Fergus should carve this
particular turkey.

-There you go.
-STEWART: Peter, Peter.

The Networked Nation is about
harnessing
the interconnectivity

of everyone in society.
It's a new way of thinking.

Innovation, self-investment,
revenue flux,

growth,
ergo a healthy network.

What's so
complicated about that?

All the words you just used.

Oh, Christ.
Here comes Denis Norden.

Oh, he's brought
his laughter file.

Look, I don't know
if this is any use,

but it might just
give you some idea
of the scale of the problem.

STEWART: Look, I think
we're about done here, yeah?

Okay, let's wrap this up.

Excuse me, am I in some
kind of ghost story?

I've been hit by a bus
and no one can
see me any more?

Everyone's really
loving your energy,
Fergus, you know.

Why don't you pilot
the staff cuts, yeah?

Let Peter go
down to the school,

bounce some
ideas off the wall,
see if the kids like the echo.

Great!
So Peter gets to announce
Silicon Playgrounds,

I get
the elephants' graveyard.

Although, to be honest,
I could cheerfully terminate

some of the staff here using
close fucking
combat techniques.

Fergus, where are we actually
on staff cuts?

Is there a shortlist at all?

Phil has a staff cuts dossier
with maps and
charts and everything.

I spotted a guy out there
who takes three shits an hour.

That's not
biologically possible.

Well, that's Graham,
he has Crohn's disease.

EMMA:
Peter, I have a very short,
concise brief here

on Silicon,
I can just email it to you.

Yeah,
put it on a piece of paper...

-Paper, yeah.
-...and I'll read it.

Of course, one piece.
We don't need that.

Glenn, you look like
a week-old party balloon.

Yeah, yeah, don't worry
about me, Terri. I'm fine.

I just don't
want you ending up
as one of those

"before he turned
the gun on himself"
kind of guys. You know.

Yeah, well,
that isn't going
to happen, Terri,

because, actually,
I don't even possess a gun.

Is that all
that's stopping you,
lack of resources?

Ah, Peter,
I'm expecting great things.

-Then you're an idiot.
-Laters, legislators.

The only way
this policy launch
could be worse

is if I understood
the bloody thing.

Right, I'm going to put
the old tea cauldron on.

Anybody fancy a brew?

Peter, risk of
sounding like your mum,
time for school.

You need to get
to this meeting.

I hate schoolchildren.

They're volatile and stupid
and they haven't got the vote.

Might as well be talking
to fucking geese.

Well,
you know the school's only
10 minutes from your house.

-You could pop
round for a late lunch.
-Not much of a celebration.

"Hello, darling,
make me a Cup-a-Soup."

Oh, now, I need a thoughtful,
very personal
present for Tina.

-Any ideas?
-Er, what about
a sexy undergarment?

No.

Perfume.
What perfume does she wear?

No idea.
Expensive,
smells a bit of lemons.

Peter, before you go I...I...
I do really need a comment,
I'm sorry,

on this Tickel protest,
please.

Okay.
As we enter the third week,

I find Mr Tickle's
attention-seeking,
tent-based twattery

even more annoying
than in weeks one and two.

(SIGHS) I can't
actually say that.

Really? Oh, then by
implication you know what you
can say, so say that instead.

All right.

I'll channel you.

Channel me?

She's really quite predatory,
isn't she?

Who? Terri's Clockwork Orange?
That's what I call her.

Here, for the other
lady in your life.

Where did you get that?

It was in my desk drawer.
I was saving it for
something special.

What,
like losing your virginity?

Yeah, I've done that
in style, actually.
If my penis could talk.

Yeah, it would say,
"I'm lonely.
Where is everyone?

"Let me out of this coffin."

Two years ago,
I was a fucking guru.

I give two fingers to Nicola
and what happens?

Lo and behold, a party
with principles comes crawling
and begging for me.

And then what do they do
with their principles?

They just shove them
on the compost heap and
join those upper-classholes

I've spent my whole career
trying to keep out.

Glenn, I... I need your help.

I want out.
I want a redundancy package.

Could you just bump my name
up the exit list?

I mean, just put in
a bad word for me?

Yeah, sure, sure, Terri.
Consider yourself redundant,
we all do.

Sorry to interrupt,
can I have a word?

Yeah,
sure, kettle's just boiled.

I meant Terri.

Sorry, Glenn.

Just to keep you up to speed,
Terri, we are going to do
a companion launch

for Digital
Playgrounds tonight

at the learning
centre at 7:00.
All right?

And we just need you
to pop a press pack
in the Coverley microwave

and let us know
when you've pinged.

Yes, sorry. I don't think
I'll be able to get that
cleared before 6:00,

so that's
effectively tomorrow,
isn't it?

Sorry, Terri, we don't need
clearance. We're not
covering a Beatles track,

we're the fucking Government.

Yes, I'm sorry, but I do need
to get that through Number 10

before I can do anything.

Er, was Terri actually
in the meeting earlier, Adam?

Yeah, she was, Fergus.

I know she was there because
I heard her
humming the theme tune

to Call the Midwife.

Yes,
well, Stewart was very clear
about this protocol.

It's about the only thing
he ever has been clear about.

The policy has been agreed.

This is just
an additional publicity push.

Adam, I'm sorry if you think
I'm being obstructive,

but I cannot and I will not
do as you ask.

Well, you can't
stop me, Terri, okay?

I want you to know
you cannot win, Nurse Ratched!

Because this is my moment!
Now, you like musicals.

Well, this is Tonight
from West Side Story,yeah?

And I'm going to bring
the bloody house down,

so you can't
Rain On My Parade,
Funny Girl!

Why don't you go
and have
a lie-down and a HobNob

while we run
the fucking country,
all right?

Anything else?

No, don't think so.

Thank you, Minister.

(SNICKERS)

Did you see me
being deliberately
less professional than usual?

You'll be gone my midday.

(SIGHING) Yes!

GLENN: Thank God.

I don't understand.

What's the difference
between upload and download?

Er, well you download porn,

although you could upload porn
but you'd have to...

You'd have to
make some porn first.

Does it have to be porn?
Is it compulsory
that it be porn?

Look please, guys,
can you stop saying "porn"?

Did you say "porn"?

Porn? What's he doing?
Projecting it
onto the building?

I just want to know,
is he on top of everything?

Mentioning pornography's
a definite no-no.

Oh, really? Okay, so maybe
I'll tell him not to big up
any Jihad sites, either,

or give out
the PM's email address?

Does he understand the policy?

Forgive my concern
but it's a bit like asking

if a dog can grasp
the concept of Norway.

-Thanks,
Terri, very helpful, bye!
-Does he understand the...

Oh, she's hung up.
Ever
the charmless minor royal.

And I keep
a straight face, do I,

when I say to a room
full of frog spawn,
"Upload your future."

You know that sounds great.
No pronunciation traps.

'Cause you know
what happened to
the Chancellor,

don't you, at the Brits?
"Tinny" Tempah?

Well,
it could have been worse.

I heard he opened
his stag-do speech
with "my niggaz".

Oh, I can't get my head round
this whole digital
dividend element.

Kids design apps,
whatever the hell they are...

EMMA:
Don't say, "What are apps?"

-He knows what an app is.
-He knows what an app is.

That Ocado thing I put
on your iPhone's an app.

And the On This Day in
Jazz History thing
I gifted you. You love that.

PETER: Yeah, right.
EMMA: Peter.

I think the best thing is
you just stick with that.
I Call App Britain.

-I Call Up Britain?
-I Call App Britain.

-App.
-PHIL: I Call App Britain.

I Call App Britain.

Is there some
whistle Fergus blows
that only you can hear?

It's called
being wanted, Terri.

(SIGHS) Right,
he can go, for a start.

He makes more noise breathing
than he does fucking talking.

What the fuck does
a Statistical Procurement
Officer do, anyway?

-Fuck all.
Same as the rest of them.
-(MOBILE RINGING)

Oh, speaking of which, Glenn.

-Hmm.
-Always on the horizon,

like a fucking
Antony Gormley statue.

Arms outstretched,
covered in rust.
Just let it go to voicemail.

No, his messages are always
so long and pleading.

-Hi, Glenn.
-Where have you two gone?

Well, we thought we'd go
through the redundancies

away from the dead-eyed stare
of the zombie army.

Ah, good thinking, yeah.

Look, you know,
I could help prioritise
that kill list, you know.

There are some
people who want out.
Um, Terri, for instance.

Oh, well, that's no problem,
Mannion fucking hates her.

It's one of the few things
that brings us together.

Um, is that a fruit
machine I can hear?

-Are you in the local?
-Um...

No. Yes.

Right, okay.
I'll be with you in 10.

TERRI: Walkies!

And, um, Ferg,
mine's a G and
a slimline T, okay?

See you in a mo.

PETER:
Why is it that Silicon Valley
is in America

when we have so many
net-savvy tech-heads here?

They may have
the silicon chip,
but we have the silicon chap.

And of course, chapesses.

And we want you
to design game apps

for use in the classroom.

Sorry, sorry to interrupt,
erm, it's not game apps,

we're actually looking
for educational apps.

(STAMMERING) Of course.
That's why I'm here to say

I Call You Up...App. I...
I Call App Britain.

Yes.
And everyone will benefit.

Not financially, er,
not cash in hand, of course.

All profits will be stored
as part of a digital dividend,

-which...
-Excuse me, are you saying

that if I wrote an app,
I wouldn't get
any money for it?

I would be working for free?

If you don't mind,
we'll keep the Q&A to the end.

What I wanted to...

Sorry, er, why can't you just
answer him now?

TEACHER: Charlotte.

Well, the other lady
was allowed to interrupt.

Yes, but she's my lady.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(STAMMERING)
What was your question again?

Why won't we profit from this?

Oh, but you would.
Er, maybe I didn't
explain it properly.

-What's your name?
-Rajesh.

-I'm sorry?
-Rajesh, Raj.

Well, er, Rajesh Raj...

(STUDENTS LAUGHING)

Oh.

Right. (CHUCKLES)

Well, er,

what I, what I wanted to say

is that-that-that
you would, er, profit,

that any profits you made
would be offset
against tuition fees.

Sorry, we don't
believe in tuition fees.

-Well, er, what's your...
-Charlotte.

Oh,
well, that's an easier one.

Fuck me, I feel like
I've just been
pushed out of a plane.

I make apps.

I sell them through Apple
and I get paid for it.

Good for you, Ra...
Good for you.

But with us,
you let us license it

as part of
the Networked Nation policy.

We all put in, you see.

What do you put into
the Networked Nation?

Well, er...

I am...a Minister.

But what do you actually do?

(STAMMERING) I take the...

science that you
made earlier and I...

apply it in...

scenarios that
are...cost-effective.

Well, at least I got
"I Call App Britain" right.

Thankfully with only a modicum
of the contempt
you used just now.

Hurray!
You got the title right.

Let's get the driver
to do some victory doughnuts.

You're going to have to issue
an apology, you know.

I'm not going back
there and saying,

"Oh,
that moment when I mistook
an abbreviation of your name

"for your surname, sorry."
I'll look completely mental.

You can't apologise for a fart
you did a day ago.

No, you're going
to have to apologise
for the follow-up as well.

"Charlotte,
that's an easier name."

But it is!
That's a fact,
not a judgement.

-(MOBILE RINGING)
-Great. Stewart.

-Stewart, hello.
-Yeah.
Can I speak to Peter, please?

I wish your friend had an app

that would deliver Stewart
a dead cat in a box.

-Stewart.
-Congratulations, Peter, hmm?

Silicon Playgrounds has now
been dubbed
Mannion's Workhouse Web.

Well, it's not my fault
if they
misinterpreted something

that I said I
never understood.

Oh, for fuck's...
I literally can't
believe this man.

I mean,
is he trying to get sacked?

Because what he's done
is close to resting his cock

on his boss's wife's shoulder.

So, who's going to
be Santa Claus, eh?

What?

Who's getting the sack?

Oh, for...
I need to get back to DoSAC.

GLENN: I was looking forward
to my G and T.

Why don't you stay here
and creep out the barmaid?

Use your
"unplucked flower" line.

Peter Mannion just
got the name wrong.
I mean, that's...

Yes, well,
names are very difficult.

Sometimes people spell Terri
with a Y, not an I,

-but I don't complain.
-(PHONE RINGING)

Yes, all right,
I do complain but...

Coverley, Comms.

Heads up.
Okay, just keep moving.

REPORTER: Minister!
Minister,
can we please get a comment

on the Secretary's
speech this morning?
Minister, is it true that

you're planning on
putting young children to work

designing apps for free?

(STAMMERING) I understand
the Secretary of
State made a speech.

Obviously,
I haven't seen that speech,
so I...

REPORTER 2: He said profits
would be offset
against tuition fees,

which implies pupils will be
working for their education.

Er, let me be very clear.

The digital dividend element
of this scheme is optional.

If they prefer,
pupils can be paid in cash.

REPORTER 2: So this isn't
about turning schools
into workhouses, then?

(CHUCKLES) Er, no.

Maybe Peter did come across
as more of a fibre-optic Fagin

-than he might have intended.
-(ALL CHUCKLING)

Thank you.

(REPORTERS CLAMOURING)

Other way,
other way, other way,

other way, other way.

Minister, why are you at home
in the middle
of a working day?

Um, it's my 30th anniversary

and I popped home for lunch
after the Silicon
Playgrounds launch,

which is literally
around the corner,

and I'll be staying late
to make up for it.

Are you turning schools
into teenage sweatshops?

I'm sorry if this is proving
a complex idea.

Pupils will receive a digital
dividend towards their
higher education fees.

The dividend is optional,
though,
you can get cash instead?

No, you can't, I'm sorry...

You can according to
your Junior Minister.

I see.

Minister, do you think you
came across this morning as
a "fibre-optic Fagin"?

That's a ridiculous phrase.

Well, that, again, is a quote
from your Junior Minister.

REPORTER 1:
Minister, is that
a bottle of champagne?

REPORTER 2:
Drinking on the job, Minister?

-It's a half bottle.
-REPORTER 1: Minister...

As I said,
it is my anniversary
and I have just recycled it.

Er, thank you.

-Bye.
-(REPORTERS CLAMOURING)

Run those fuckers over.
Fifty quid for
every one you maim.

TERRI: I've got a blank page,
you dictate.

FERGUS: It should
have been done by now.

It should have been done
like an hour ago.

Thanks a fucking bunch, mate!

I couldn't have
looked more of a twat

unless I'd announced it
dressed as a mermaid with
scallops on my tits.

Look, I'm angry, too, Peter.

I spent a lot of time
on that policy that you just
raped in a ditch.

Well, it was your stupid idea
in the first place.

What are your ideas, Peter?
Come on,
we'd all love to hear them!

A public information film
on the best wine
to have with fish?

A butler on
every street corner?

This is a long game, Fergus.

And I've been
around a lot longer
than you, Fergus,

and I'll still be here
when they rip your
name off your door

and turn your office back into
something useful,
like a spare toilet.

Both of you desist!
You have caused me
to raise my voice

and I do not like it.

I reserve this level of anger
for when I'm flying Ryanair.

Peter's palace, now!

Drinking
champagne in the middle
of the day during a recession.

Who do you think
you are, P Diddy?

It was a half bottle
on my 30th anniversary

and I was recycling it.
At least give me
credit for that.

Oh, right. No, sorry, Peter,
yeah, I take it all back.

About as strong a defence

as "the fertiliser
in my home-made
bomb was organic".

What have you got planned for
this evening,
dancing girls on a yacht?

Garage, car, hosepipe.

Oh,
good, the anniversary present
your wife's been dreaming of.

And Fergus, what about you?

Well, I'm launching
Silicon Playgrounds,
properly this time, tonight

at a learning centre.

Yeah, something you didn't
clear through me.

According to Terri Coverley,
you announced this

before Peter took
his daily gaffe dump.

What was the word I
used this morning?

You used a lot of words
this morning, it was like
a fucking Will Self lecture.

What was the word I used?

Coalition?

Boom! So you will
go to the learning centre

where you will re-explain
Silicon
Playgrounds with Peter,

who will make an abject,
grovelling apology

for being both a digitard
and an elderly racist.

So first you
take the policy away
from me for Peter to screw up,

then you take
salvaging the policy away
from me for Peter to screw up.

Good, yeah, that's just great.

I'm bored of this,
I'm going for a Twix.

Adam's coming.
Oh, not on my watch.

-Oh, here we go.
-You shall not pass.

You couldn't even keep
the cast of Gleeout.

Is Peter sharing
a car with Fergus?

Wait here, I'll check.

Yes, go. Run many miles,
make heart soar like eagle.

Prick.

Peter says he's
sorry but he doesn't
have any child seats fitted.

-Oh, really?
-Okay, kids.

Raj can make it for 8:00.

What's going on?
Have you two just kissed?

Give him this.
Final list of staff cuts.
Just needs his signature.

If it makes him happier,
he can pretend
he's sectioning you

under the Mental Health Act.

Sure, but tonight,
Dobby does not
ride with Dumbledore.

-Brilliant.
-Oh, fucking hell.

Does he have any references
based in reality?

Listen,
don't fuck about, Adam.

Just make sure
Fergus gets Peter
to the church on time, okay?

All right, get a boyfriend.

Oh, come out.

She's not on the fucking list!

Will you please tell me why
Terri Coverley is
not on this list?

Sorry,
Peter, she's too expensive
to get rid of.

Oh,
Christ, Fergus, we both know
she's a fart in a frock

and I want her
wafted out of here.

My hands are tied.

Fuck you!
You're not getting
in my car tonight.

What a very principled stand
you're taking.

Yep,
but did you see how stressed
Mannion was there?

Soon, he'll be so
weak and disorientated
he'll stagger off in the night

like a tramp who's
stood up too quickly.

No, I don't think today
is our entire
marriage in a nutshell.

Well, we had champagne
and your sister wasn't there.

All I'm saying is that
sometimes it's necessary
to lose the battle

in order to win the war.

Or your delusional mind,

in order to
believe all the crap
you come out with.

Ah, here he is, King of Sheba.

-Er, Terri.
-Sorry, do you mind holding...

Jesus.

Just pass it to me.

Why don't you
get in the front?
We can't all get...

TERRI: No,
no, no inconvenience at all.
FERGUS: Budge up.

I think you'd be more
comfortable in the front.

TERRI: It's not
a problem in any way.

(SIGHS)

REPORTER 1: Minister!
Ministers, is it true that
you hate each other?

Not at all.

But of course we
are not strangers
to a frank exchange of views.

Have you been forced
to come here together?

I think I can say,
in all candour,
that no one could force me

to stand next to this man.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Peter Mannion, hello.

-Ah, Raj.
Thank you so much for coming.
-Raj.

Good to see you, Peter Pete.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

Er, I'd like to thank Raj here
for pointing out the flaws

in Fergus's, and my,
Silicon Playground scheme.

Yeah, and we'd love you
to become
a Silicon Player, Raj.

-Help us nail it.
-Yeah, sure, if you pay me.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Can you get me
a chicken and cashew nut?

Why don't you get
your usual order,
dead dogs' dicks?

Stewart, they're not here.
They're still
down at the centre.

Ah, no, my children.
Not them I'm
looking for, but you.

I thought while they were out
dovetailing,

we might chat the chit.

There's no reason why we can't
go bigger on this, yeah?

With the spread of
computer literacy
across all demographics,

we could be having Silicon
Pubs, Silicon Prisons,
Silicon Care Homes.

I mean,
this way we really would
have a Networked Nation, guys.

-Silicon Banks.
-Silicon Hospitals.

Silicon Buses.

Er, Silicon Phones,
Silicon Lights,
Silicon Plants...

No, Phil, don't just say
what you fucking see.

Look, why don't we
hive-mind on this,
get our best brains on it?

Adam, come and join us.
Phil,
go make us some ginseng tea.

You're getting a coffwee,
coffee with wee in it.

So the core question here is

can we engender the same sense
of
pan-demographic communalities

we had in the war,

but furrowed into
the digital revolution, hmm?

-EMMA: That's good.
-Do you have milk in ginseng?

-No.
-Shit.

Simeon, hi.
Yeah, he is, he's with me.

Er, Number 10,
apparently your phone's off.

Yeah, that is because my mind
is in give mode,
not receive mode.

Yeah, Simeon, hi.

No,
no, no, no, don't say that.

No, no,
don't drown the kitten here!

Look, we're cooking up
the Schlieffen Plan
for the mind here.

No, I... No, I'm sorry.
I don't believe he said that.
No.

Okay.

Okay, curious.

-EMMA: What's happened?
-Er...

Silicon Playgrounds, um,

-dead.
-EMMA: What?

STEWART:
Too much
confusion and negativity.

EMMA: Says who?

-STEWART: The PM.
-Oh, for God's sake.

Interesting. He's never used
a conduit to
deliver bad news before.

Sorry, should I not
have left the bags in?

No, they... They look lovely.

Are you all right,
Stewart, can I...

Er, no, I'm, um, I am...

I'm going to go and
rest my eyes on the river.

-PHIL: He touched me.
-Okay.

Well, landmark day.

We bring in an idea,
you like it, you nick it,

you put two bullets
in the back of its head.

Snuff politics,
you gotta laugh.

PHIL:
It's good to see Stewart lost
for multi-syllables, though.

Have you ever seen
him like that before?

Never. He took the morning off
when Steve Jobs died.

But otherwise,
it's been seven
years of ear piss.

Ah, look at us, Fergus,
we're such good friends.

Like Ike and Tina Turner.

Or Caligula and his horse.

Oh, well, this will
cheer you up, Peter.

The boss has just chucked
Silicon
Playgrounds down a well

and poured
a bucket of shit after it.

Whole day has been
an excruciating waste of time.

(SIGHS)

Am I... Am I needed?

We'll get back to you on that.

We can stop pretending
to like each other now.

Maybe it would be better
if we actually
did try to get on,

rather than just pretending.

Maybe it would.

Have a good, um,
what's left of the evening.

Thanks.

Okay, darling, I'm on my way.

Finally got rid
of Captain fucking Scarlet.

DoSAC please, Martin.

Terri, hi, it's Glenn.

Silicon
Playgrounds has been axed
and so has your evening.

They want you to come in
and draft a press release.

And by draft,
I mean work on it all night.

Oh, no.
Looks like he's
going back to DoSAC.

I'm sorry, Tina,
but I'm going to
have to turn round.

Are you about to head off?

I'm sorry, it should be...
11:00 at the latest.

Could you just put something
eggy on a tray for me?

And then we will snuggle,
I promise.

The Leader of the Opposition
is in that room, Malcolm,

practising walking.

OLLY:
This does seem to be taking
an awfully long time.

-NICOLA: Is that too bouncy?
-It's Remembrance Sunday!

I don't know whether
you've noticed, we haven't got
any fucking power.

We're like
a family in a Cuban slum.

It's important
that we rise above

partisan politics, Dan.

So that... Dan.

I feel like on
Sunday I should just put
the poppy wreath round my neck

and take 40 paracetamol.