All language subtitles for The.Thick.Of.It.S03e06.1080p.Web.H264-Poppycock_track3_[eng]

Okay. Change of plan.

Secretary of State wants to
do the interview
in front of the sign

so you're gonna have to just
bog off, okay?

Morning,
Olly, how's your head?
Like a bat shat in it at all?

No. I am, if anything, Glenn,
I am hung under.

First DoSAC party under the
new regime, you lasted till,
I'd say, seven?

Yeah,
well, I do have a life, Olly.

Yes, but only in the way that,
you know, jellyfish or
athlete's foot have a life.

What was it last night, then?
Candlelit
annivorcery dinner for one?

-Morning.
-OLLY: Hello.

Terri,
what actually are you up to?
Are you still drunk?

No,
I had to get in early anyway
because the BBC man's coming.

Are you wearing trainers?
(CHUCKLES) You are
wearing trainers.

-Yes.
-Yes.

(CHUCKLES) If Signal
toothpaste made trainers,
that's what they'd look like.

-Well, I don't see there's
any... -This colour for
healthy breath.

-Morning. Morning.
-Oh!

-Do please let me...
-Oh!

-Thank you very much.
-Would you like me
to take your coffee?

Oh, no.
I'm clinging on to that
for dear life, I tell you.

-Hmm.
-Well, it will dehydrate you.

-Good-o.
-Mojito Murray,
they now call her.

You know, they had to install
speed bumps at the bar.

She's like Gazza at Euro '96.

(MIMICKING GULPING)

I really love the division
of labour in this place.

I like the way the women
do the heavy lifting

and the men do
the heavy sarcasm.

Would you like some help
with your makeup?

-Um... I'm wearing makeup.
-OLLY: What?

NICOLA: So this interview,
who's coming?
TERRI: Ten O'Clock News?

Okay. Who? Nick Robinson?

Not Nick.
He's away with the PM
on the world tour.

-No it's... It's Gavin.
-Gavin Esler?

Gavin Boyes.

-Who the hell is Gavin Boyes?
-Well, he's up and coming.

In what? Gay porn?

I'm launching
the Fourth Sector Initiative.

It's the centrepiece
of my political career.

I don't want to do it with
some fucking
Newsround press packer.

It says here on Google

that Gavin Boyes is
the State Wrestling Champion

for West Virginia.

The launch tonight, Terri,
how many journos
have we got coming?

We've got confirmed four.

-Four?
-Four?

That's one per sector.

This is not something
that we are ashamed of.

We're not launching
a new leper colony.

Okay.
No problem. I'm just going to
go down and collect Gavin

and his boys.

-Welcome to DoSAC, Gavin. Yes.
-Thank you.

-Gavin Boyes?
-Yeah.

I'm Glenn Cullen.
No need for me to get up.

Right. Nice to meet you.

Gavin seems very nice,
very young...

Oh, good. Is this the way to
the face-painting tent?

I was hoping I
could be a tiger, maybe.

I told you you'd overdone it
with the makeup.

Nicola,
honestly, with the lights,
you do need a lot on.

Take a bit off, really.

I'm going to start slurring
my words in a minute.

It looks great.

-NICOLA: Gavin Boyes. Hello.
-Gavin Boyes. Hi.

-Just pop you over there.
-Yes, of course. Yeah.

Well,
let's start with an easy one.

-Uh...
-Just relax.

-Yes, I was. Thank you.
-Nicola, just relax.

So, Secretary of State,
could you explain in brief

what your launch
tonight is all about?

Well, Gavin, the Fourth Sector
is really about

empowering ordinary people
to give a little bit extra

and thus create
something extraord...

I'm so sorry. Can I just...

-Just one second.
Sorry. Terri?
-You all right?

(WHISPERS) You're very close
and you're just
kind of staring at me.

Sort of a big dead-eyed shark
and it's making me tense.

Sure. Sure.

Sorry. Where were we, Gavin?

So why is the PM doing
this world tour thing?

What's the point of that? I
mean, he's not easy on
the world stage, is he?

He walks like
his dick's made
of glass, you know?

-Is it a Malc plan?
-Could be.

Or, you know,
Steve Fleming's back,
it could be him.

Well, if he's back,
it really is the end,
isn't it?

What are you going to do
when the shit goes down, then?

Oh, plenty of options, Olly.

You could be a Beefeater.
Do you want to be a Beefeater?

Don't you worry
about me, Olly.
I've got contacts.

What do you mean,
"Don't worry about me"?

Are you big in
Japan or something?

What? What's that smile for?
Do you need winding?

I am going to
stand in the election.

Are you... Are you serious?

I should hear later today
whether or not I've
got enough support

for the Ilford East long list.

Fucking hell.

You on a massive poster.
What's your
slogan going to be?

"He's old and sullen,
vote for Cullen."
How about that?

Actually,

I'm pretty excited about this.

Sort of hard to take on board.

It's like being told
your dad's gay or something.

I am strangely
really proud of you.

The Prime
Minister fully endorses
my Fourth Sector Initiative.

I know that's something
he's really squarely behind.

Surely you can't
ignore the naysayers
who say he's a lame duck.

He's not fit for the job.

I believe that
Tom is absolutely
the best man for the job,

and I think we should all just
let him get on
with doing that job.

What's morale
like in the party?

Sorry, um, one sec. I said
best man for the job,
I think, didn't I?

I need to say "best person".

It's kind of the same.
I mean, you'd have to be

very PC to pick
a hole in that.

So you don't want to give the
impression that you'd like to
see a female leader.

Uh, I mean, yes, absolutely.
At some point

I would love there to be
a female leader.

But that point
isn't reached yet,
you know.

And I believe that
the current Prime Minister

is absolutely the best person,

-uh, for the job.
-TERRI: Yeah. Yes. Yes.

-Yep. Got it.
-Best person for the job.

-Great.
-You did get that, did you?

-You got the end?
-Yeah.
Yeah. We got all we need.

-Thanks very much indeed.
-Okay.

(MOUTHING)

It was perfect.

It wasn't perfect 'cause I
said best man and then I
corrected to person.

You just kept going, "Uh!"

I wouldn't, you know,
give it a second thought,
honestly.

Yes, well, give our very best
to John Craven and
Dexter Fletcher.

Right. So, Ben Swain,

the man you love to hate
and love to sack,

actually, is on his way up.

Oh, great.
I'm flypaper for
dickheads today.

Right. I'm going to get out
of this funeral suit

and chisel off
the first three
inches of makeup.

GLENN: Ah,
the prodigal Swain returns.
OLLY: Ben 10!

Benstrual cycle.
Ben on the 4th of July.

Olly put the kettle on,

on the good ship Olly-pop,
Olled Lang Syne...

How are things
going at the, uh,

Department of Education
Education Education?

There's shit going
up the foot pump, Olly.

Mainly because
you are the Robin
Hood of politics.

Well, Robin Hood was a hero.

No, he was not a hero.
He was a terrorist.

You're just stealing from
the Education Department

and pumping it
out as a DoSAC idea.

This Back On Track Policy
that you launched

at your little
chimps' tea party
last night,

well,
that sounds very similar.
Very, very...

-Almost identical in fact...
-Right. Yes.

...to my Unify Policy
that I was working on here

until I was booted
out by knicker-face.

-Right. Where is Jenni Murray?
-No.

Well, she's...
I really wouldn't go in...

-Oh, God. Jesus!
-NICOLA: Oh!

Yes. She's just been doing
an interview there, Ben.

What?
An interview for what? FHM?
What's she done to her face?

She looks like
a pissed Aunt Sally.

-Yeah. I really...
-BEN: I'm very sorry again...

Let's not talk
about it ever again.

I will forget...

-Right. What do you want?
-...everything I've seen.

Now, Back On Track, it is
exactly the same as my
Unify Initiative.

I know you don't like me,
you made that as
clear as fish piss

by kicking me out of here
10 nanoseconds
after you arrived.

Malcolm's calling.
I thought he
was supposed to be

sluicing sand out of Tom's
thong in Ibiza or
wherever they've got to?

Yes. He's away. He's in Spain.

Just ignore Malcolm.

-Ignore Malcolm?
-Yeah. What can he do?

Olly, mate. Olly, you're not
answering your phone

and I'm getting really, really
worried that
you've hurt yourself.

I just keep getting
these terrible images

flashing in my head, you know.

Of you being
stabbed repeatedly
in the face.

Or of you in a coma
on a life-support machine

dreaming about being
a gay policeman in the 1970s.

Malcolm, I can explain.

Olly,
thank God that you're safe.

Sorry.

That's from me, Cack Ephron.

What's Giant
Gaystacks doing here?

Um, I'm here, Malcolm,
because Nicola has been

nicking my policies,
through Olly.

Is this true, the little man
in the red and yellow car?

-No...
-I've been told
by Steve Fleming

to think the unthinkable.

Well, listen, I am telling you
to unthink the unthinkable.

Shit, you can't even cope
with thinking the thinkable.

-Why are you even here?
-TERRI: Hello, Malcolm.

-Oh, you look a bit tired.
-Yeah. You look incompetent.

Yeah,
tired and a wee bit grumpy.

Well,
actually, Lucille Ballbag,

I am here to prep Nicola here
for her BBC interview.

A bit late for that.

Terri, I fucking emailed you

and I told you to
move it to later
because I wanted

to administer a preparatory
fucking verbal cosh. Right?

-Well...
-And there it is.

It didn't fuck...
It didn't fucking send.

-Ah!
-It didn't send, right?

There you go.
You just owe me an apology,
that's all.

-I'm sorry?
-That's the one.

That wasn't an apology.
That was a "pardon?
I'm sorry".

Why aren't you
on the Tom tour,
by the way?

Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming
was on the tour. Hmm.

Big beast.

Tiny fucking rodent, more
like. He's part of
the larger problem.

Which is?

Have you been at
Number 10 lately?
Jesus, it's like, it's like...

-the break-up of The Beatles,
right?
-Hmm.

During the fall of
the Roman Empire,

while fucking Jordan's
getting divorced
from that bloke.

All happening at the same time
in a tiny fucking
terraced house, yeah?

-Anyway,
this interview, right?
-Mmm-hmm.

-How did it go?
-(STUTTERING) It's a small...

-(PHONE RINGING)
-Sorry, Malcolm.
Can I...? Sorry.

They wanted to talk Tom, and
I said that he was
the best man for the job.

Yeah, well, so what?
I mean, it's the BBC.

It's not fucking
Spare Rib,is it?

I thought it might sound like
I thought I was the best
woman for the job.

Listen, Nicola, no offence,
but you're not
leadership material, yeah?

I mean,
fucking curtain material
in that outfit, but you know.

Right. The BBC have put it
on the website.

You saying that the PM's
the best man for the job.

-Shit.
-Yeah. And they're saying

that you fired
the starter pistol
on a new leadership bid.

-OLLY: I've got it on here.
-I mean, yes. Absolutely.

At some point, I would love
there to be a female leader.

But I believe that
the current Prime Minister

is absolutely
the best man for the job.

No! I said "person"
and you went "huh" over it.

-This is bad.
-It wasn't on a microphone...

-It is fucking bad.
-I know that.

Terri, get on to the BBC,
fucking nuke them.

-Nuke them and rebuke them.
-Yep. Got it.

Malcolm, maybe we're
making matters worse.

We're making them think
we've got a live one.

I just think
we're overreacting.

No, no, no, no, no.

We nip this
in the fucking
knackers now, okay?

It's been
a wonderful experience here.

I think I'll
leave you all to it.
My work here is done.

Whoa,
whoa, whoa, no, no, no, no.
You're staying here, mate.

I'm not staying here.
You haven't even
got biscuits here.

You stay here, right?
The situation's
fucking febrile.

You don't fucking know
what febrile means.

-No.
-No, you don't. It means

there are going to be
hysterical journalists, right?

Watching every
fucking move we make.

So I want you
unplugged from the mains
until the danger's past.

TERRI: Right.
There's a few journalists
out there already.

See? See, there you are.
It's a fucking feeding frenzy.

Yeah.
Well, not in here, it's not.

Don't panic, Orca.
We'll get sandwiches, okay?

-How many are there there?
-OLLY: Eight.

Right.
Eight constitutes a lockdown.

Right, people, listen up!

It's a fucking lockdown.
Right now.

Oh, come off it. We're not
in a prison drama, are we?

We are in a prison drama and
this is the fucking
Shawshank Redemption,right?

But with more
tunnelling through shit
and no fucking redemption.

Right, people, nobody move.
Right. Nobody move,

nobody gets
fucking truncheoned
in the face.

This is a lockdown, right?

What that means is
this office is now
an isolation unit.

Do not use the phones.

No fucking emails.
No phones, Glenn. Come on.

I've got to go. Bye.

-Terri?
-Yes.

-I'm here.
-Get on the phone
to the fucking BBC.

Come on.
Everybody else, stay Chaplin.

Is that trainers
that she's wearing?

Are you wearing fucking
trainers? You're supposed to
be a civil servant,

not a fucking
playgroup assistant.

(MOBILE RINGING)

Steve, oh, the man himself.

Yes, what is it?

It's like wet play, isn't it?

Queen to knight four.

I never had you down
as a chess man, Glenn.

I thought you
might be more the kind
to play Ludo or something.

-Do you mind?
-Oh, what?

Can you not multitask,
Deep Beige?

(CHUCKLES)

What, check? Oh!

-Fuck you.
-Well, you know,

politics is like a game of
chess, Glenn, insofar as
you're shit at both of them.

Excuse me.

(JOURNALISTS CLAMOURING)

Oh, that's what we need, yes.
The one-man smarmy army.

Malcolm, is it George Alagiah?

-What? What?
-NICOLA: Fuck.
It's George Alagiah!

-Is he here for me?
-What?

George Alagiah's here for me.
They're going to
use everything now.

It's just going to
be a free-for-all.
They're going to...

They're even going to dig out
that picture of me
at the sports day

looking like Catweazle
with learning difficulties.

GLENN:
"Nicola Murray will today
later use a policy speech

"to announce her candidacy."

Nicola Murray is not going to
make a leadership
announcement this evening.

Permission to speak frankly
and off the record, yeah?

She's an idiot.

I know that
she's in the cabinet,

but look,
that's like being disabled
at a football match, yeah?

I mean, she's very close to
the action but hardly likely
to score a goal.

That... No! That...
How is that offensive?

That is a very fair
and accurate portrayal

of just how
fucking retarded she is.

NICOLA:
You're really enjoying this,
aren't you, Ben?

You haven't had this much fun
since you went
to Cadbury World.

Oh, come on, Nicola,
you've got to admit,

from the outside,
it's pretty funny.

I mean,
the Prime Minister goes away

and you're dressed up
as one of the ThunderCats.

(COUGHS) So awful, isn't it,

some of the things
people write on
these comments.

Oh! I mean, they are, totally.
So cruel, isn't it?

"Nicola Murray is staging
a leadership bid.

"Who is Nicola Murray?
I have literally
never heard of her.

"She doesn't exist."

"I would rather
cut off my hands
than vote for that disgrace."

"Does anyone else here
think she looks
like Heath Ledger

"in The Dark Knight?"

Are you emailing?

Are you stirring this up?
Is that why you
came into DoSAC today?

Did you have a big bucket
of shit and a whisk?

No.

-Yes, a bit.
-What are you saying?

Just, you know, "Joan Rivers
wants to be
the new Prime Minister.

"Have a look at this clip
of her online
staking her bid."

You treacherous shit.

Come on, it's not my fault
you've dressed up
like a dead geisha.

Why are you doing this?

Because I'm bored,
it's funny and...
and I hate you.

There you are.
The holy trinity of why.

Do you know, talking to you is
like talking to
a fucking whoopee cushion.

-Right. Bit of good news.
-What?

-Two bits, actually. Um...
-Enough.

Can we all just shut the fuck
up, okay? So we can
gather our thoughts.

So, one at a time.
Private Godfrey,
get to your station.

I want to hear
what the word is
on the street.

All right. "Ben has been seen
coming into DoSAC
but not going out.

"Possibly Ben is her running
mate as number two in
a leadership bid."

Right. I don't mind going out
there now and telling them
all face to face

just how much I hate Nicola
and how unlikely
that is to happen.

And get myself a sandwich.
I'm fucking starving.

What did I just fucking say?
What did I just fucking say?

I said one at a fucking time.
Stand up.

I'm telling you to
fucking stand up,
you sack of fucking come.

Stand the fuck up!

Fucking move, right!

See that? Fucking
play with that, right?

Never mind your fucking toys.
Play with that.

Go and stand in
that fucking corner.
Stand over there, right?

And do not move

or I will perform a fucking
living fucking autopsy on you

with a fucking rusty spade
and I'll have your kidneys for
fucking cufflinks.

Terri, good news, I believe.

You were about to tell us
some good fucking news.

What the fuck is it?

Right. Yeah, okay.

Uh, well according
to my online tracker,
the pizza is here.

-Hooray!
-And the second bit

is that The Mailis backing
Nicola's leadership bid

because of the stand she's
taken against shoddy
journalism at the BBC.

What? No wonder
George Alagiah's here.

He'll probably come at me
with a fucking Stanley knife.

I knew this would happen. I
actually fucking said this
would happen, Malcolm.

What do we do now?

Hello? Say something.

(MOBILE RINGING)

Oh, Steve. Hi, there.

I'm going to slip
into a diabetic coma
at this rate.

-(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
-Shit!

Better take this elsewhere.

OLLY: Hey,
Ben, sorry you don't have
your magic drawer any more.

-I think I might.
I think I do.
-What?

-Fuck, if it's still there...
-It's been four months, Ben,

it can't still be there.

Well, who's going to know?
Look, I've hidden it...

OLLY: Well, I know.
BEN: (LAUGHS) Get in!

-Sweet giver of blood sugar.
Mmm.
-TERRI: Right.

I'm going to go
down personally
and pick up the pizza myself.

Can you do
savoury after sweet?
Is that...

-Yes.
-Right. Okay.

Tom is as mad as
a dickless dog. Right?

He is specifically very, very
fucking angry at you, Nicola.

-Oh, fantastic.
-Uh, then we
should cancel tonight?

-Tonight? What's tonight?
-OLLY: Well,

-it's the Fourth Sector...
-It's the Fourth Sector...

It's my Fourth Sector launch.

Are these going
down to the room?

Don't fuck with that...
Just fucking...

-I thought you...
-One at a time, right?

Terri, get the minister's car.
Downstairs. Right now.

-Right. Why?
-Right.
Never mind fucking why.

Just fucking do it,
Holly Golightly. Come on.

Nicola,
I want you to go down there

and I just want you to pretend
that you've got
an appointment to go to.

And this is what
you say, right?

-Say?
-You are not
challenging Tom at all.

-Oh, fuck.
-Tom is the man

to lead the country through
this difficult crisis, right?

Tom is the man of the moment.

Then you get in your car
and you just
fucking drive about,

go and do some sightseeing or
attach a hose pipe to the
exhaust, whatever.

Nicola Murray is
fucking coming, okay?

See, you?

Get me a fucking
Curly Wurly, right?

-Would you like
a bit of concealer?
-No. No.

This is it.
It's going to work.
Okay, get out there.

-He's the man of the moment.
-You've got the confidence.
That's it.

-He's the man of the moment.
-Look at that gait.

-I'll be there.
-You can't buy that.

That's fucking class.
Nicola Murray is back.

She's back.
She's back on track.

It's a classic
Curly Wurly I wanted.

Look, a Curly Wurly should be
the size of a small ladder.

Your hands have got bigger.

I'm going for it. Okay...

JOURNALISTS: Mrs Murray...

(ALL CLAMOURING)

REPORTER 1:
Does the Prime Minister
have your full support?

NICOLA: He absolutely does.
Yes.

REPORTER 2: So does Mr Cullen
have your support, too?

Uh... Uh, sorry. What?

Glenn Cullen. Are you backing
his campaign to be an MP?

NICOLA: I don't
know what that's about.

(CHUCKLES) Glenn?

-Who are you backing?
-There is nothing.

I'm backing
the Prime Minister.

The Prime
Minister is absolutely
the right man for the moment.

-Not for the moment.
-For the moment?

That's
the worst possible thing
that you could say here.

Terri, get the dozy
giblet back in here.

Get her back in here.
Don't let her get in the car.

You've got to come back out.
Malcolm says...

-Shit.
-We've got pizza in there.

Thank you.

REPORTER 3:
Have you changed your mind?

Does he have
your full backing?

Yes, I do.
The Prime Minister, as I said,

is the right man
for the moment.

Oh, not again.

First class media work there.

-TERRI: Pizza!
-Ooh! Good.

-Well done.
-That was utterly humiliating.

-For fuck's sake, Malcolm!
-Shouldn't that be
"of fuck's sake"?

-I don't know what
you're taking about.
-May I just quote it to you?

"The Prime
Minister is the right man
for the moment."

Yeah. That's what
you told me to say.

Of the moment. Of the moment.
I told you to say

of the fucking moment.

It's a huge
difference between me
saying to you,

"Nicola, I would like to go
for a lovely walk with you"

and, "Nicola,
I would like to make a hat
out of your fucking entrails."

(MOBILE RINGS)

Excuse me.

Steven.

Yes. Well,
you can tell Tom right now

that I'm fucking
sweating embryos
for him, okay?

You, Glenn.
So, here's a thing.

Apparently,
you're going to be an MP.

You didn't talk
to me about that.

Glenn's not standing,
don't be silly.

-Go on, tell her.
-Go on. Tell me more.

Terri,
can I just get a word in?

Look at this,
takeaway and a fight.

All I need now is a hand job
in a bus shelter,

-I've had the great
British night out.
-Oh!

Excuse me. I'm off for a doze.

Nicola,
I know we're not allowed
to take any calls

but this is your husband.

Fine. Thank you.

James. Do you actually
even know me, James?

Do you even know who I am?

I think it's
shut-up time now, James.

So one last thing.
When I promised
to love, honour and obey you,

it was a massive
practical joke!

-Hi. Yes.
-Sorry, Nicola.

Just a quick cup of coffee.

How is your husband? Um...
Sounds a bit upset, is he?

Upset? No. He wants me to
stand. He thinks this
is fucking great.

He just wants to
show off about me
to the rugby club dinner.

"Hello, everybody.
This is my wife,
the Prime Minister."

"Hello,
JB, have you met my wife,
the Prime Minister?

"How's your wife,
the little lady?"

It's nice that he's being
supportive.

He's not being
supportive, he's...

James is...

He is not a supporting wall.

He is a partition

and I'm going to have him
knocked through.

Nicola, I'm going to
take off my media hat.

I honestly never
thought you had one.

Have you thought about
couples counselling?

Uh, yes. Look, uh, James

will not go to Relate

and even if he did,
George Alagiah
would be outside

with a big News 24cup
pressed against the wall,
so...

Well, you know,
it can work wonders.

Can it? Okay.

You're speaking
from experience,
are you?

Oh, well, I mean...

I mean, I keep my professional
life very, very separate
from my home life,

-obviously, I mean...
-Yeah.

You know, I always say,

"What goes on
behind my front door
stays behind my front door."

-I mean,
that is my motto. So...
-Yeah.

Uh, my motto would be...

Could I have
another cup of coffee, Terri?

Well,
I just did bring you a cup.

Yeah, I got that one.
Registered that
and would love another one.

It's just that kind of a day.

-Right.
Where's Hale and Pacemaker?
-Who?

Glenn and fucking Olly.
Where are they?

I don't know.

I need them back here, anyway,
for the launch.

For the launch?

The launch.
The Fourth, the Fourth...

The Fourth Sector launch,
Malcolm. Jesus!

You're about as
on the ball today
as a dead seal!

Hey, that's one of
my fucking lines.

There is
a launch party tonight.

A load of press are coming
and I haven't even
started my speech.

I don't know how to start my
speech.

Just fucking
start with a joke.

-They all like a joke.
-Oh, great.
I'll start with a joke.

Great advice. Thanks, Malcolm.

Malcolm, this launch,

is it something
that should really happen?

We can't cancel it, can we?
But she can't do this.

There's no fucking way
that she can do this.

It's too fucking hot, right?

We'll have to
get a stunt double.

Ben.

Ben, yes.

He can do it in drag.
It'll be fine.

I mean, Nicola's been
looking like
a fucking tranny, anyway.

I really don't think
that's a good idea, Malcolm.

Terri, I thought we
had a deal, right?

When I need your advice,
I'll give you
the special signal,

which is me being sectioned
under the fucking
Mental Health Act.

Ben, let me help you.
Um, what about some makeup?

No, I don't want any of
your bloody makeup.

What, are you on commission
or something?

All right. Well, that's it.
That's my
Fourth Sector speech.

-OLLY:
Do you want me to take it...
-Not so fast.

No, no. I'm sorry, Nicola.

-Malcolm, they see me...
-No,
you're not doing the launch.

I can't have you launching
things at this moment in time.
Come on.

-Malcolm, I have to do this.
-Get the fuck back.

-I know. I'm sorry.
-Who else is
going to launch it?

Ben's going to be announcing
the Fourth Sector tonight.

-No, no, no, no, no, no.
-Yes.

Although it might be difficult
to smash a champagne bottle

on a turd.

(ALL ARGUING)

Can I just... Just let me
try and communicate here.

-Oh.
-Malcolm.

It's hard for me to say this,
uh, but I'm afraid

the thing is, a lot of calls
you've made today,

they've been off, wrong.

Not the right calls.

(STAMMERING) Okay.
I'll give you some examples

'cause I can see
that that's tough.

Okay, first one,
you didn't even
send that email.

It was still in drafts, okay?

Then secondly, it was you
that told me to make that big
attack on the BBC.

-NICOLA: That's right.
-And I'm afraid
we did look silly

running around outside,
getting in and out of a car.

I mean, look, Malcolm,
I know that, you know,

Steve Fleming's
come back on the scene.

Are you feeling
emasculated by that?
Is it...

It's like you're
a catherine wheel
and you fell off the stick.

You're going...

But not in the right way.

Um, I think
you're wrong, Malcolm.

You're like
a sultana in a salad.

Terri, can we have a word?

(WHISPERS) Fucking hell.

How fucking dare you?

Have you any idea
of the amount of pressure

that has been
exerted on my skull, huh?

It feels like my brain
has been fucking emptied

into little packets,
into fucking crisp packets.

Cheese and onion fucking
crisp packets that contain

my living,
breathing fucking brain.

Malcolm, I'm really sorry.
I...

And these crisp packets,
cheese and onion,

smoky bacon,
have been stomped on.

They've been
fucking stomped on!

Ben, fucking Nicola...

-I didn't mean to be horrid.
-And fucking you!

I'm sorry.

-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
-I'm sorry.

No, I'm over it, okay?
Don't you apologise.

Don't you fucking apologise.
You don't need to apologise.

I love this place. I do.

I mean, fucking, compared to
Number 10, this place is
fucking tranquil, yeah?

Over there, 300 yards down the
road, I mean, it's like
a fucking cancer ward.

I mean, there are people in
there, they're fucking
screaming at each other.

They are screaming,
"You gave me this
fucking disease."

"You gave me this
fucking disease."

And every corner that I turn
there's another threat, Terri.

Hacks,
hacks, fucking vampire hacks.

And they're
slaughtering us, Terri.

They are fucking slaughtering
us and they want my
face for a flannel!

-Yeah.
-And you know what?

I used to be the fucking
pharaoh, Terri. I used to be
the fucking pharaoh.

Mmm.

Now I'm fucking floundering
in a fucking Nile of shit.

But I am going to fashion
a paddle out of that shit.

-Yeah?
-Mmm.

-Good idea.
-I'm not going down.

I am not going down. Yeah?

(SOFTLY) Yeah.

How are you
feeling about things?

Well, you know, I'm just
trying to do my best and,

you know,
make sure I can still
get home by 6:00.

-Do you want a huggle?
-No, I think...

That's nice of you.
I really appreciate it.

Terri,
it's been nice to have a chat
but I have to get on.

-Okay.
-Yeah.

-Let's get back on track.
-Get back on track.

-As they say, right?
-Remind me to use that phrase.

All righty-o. Okay, Nicola,
can I see you in
your office, please?

What did he say?

I don't know.
It was all
about ancient Egypt.

-Ancient Egypt?
-Yeah.

The Fourth Sector?

What is the Fourth Sector,
you seem to ask?

A good question.
That's a really good question.

I reply.
Well, let's start at the...

Ben is doing the best he can.

Oh, shit, is he?

There are four...

The Fourth...
There are four sectors.

Imagine a cake
that has been...

that has been cut
into four slices.

The Cake of Good Hope.

-(WHISPERING) Malcolm...
-No.

-I'm going to go for it.
Yes, I am.
-No, no.

-Are you sure that's wise?
-Cover me. All right?

No. Nicola, no.

Now, I really should be
wearing my trainers.

Nicola! Nicola, no!

Nicola, no!

Will make a valuable...

make a valuable
contribution to society

with all four
sectors of the cake.
And here...

Here is Nicola
Murray to tell you more.

-Nicola Murray.
-Hello. Hi.

No need to stand, as the PM
said to me this morning.

(CHUCKLES)

A colleague of mine said
you should always
start with a joke.

And, uh... One other thing.

Just about
earlier on, with the...
the thing with the car,

that was all a bit odd.

The explanation is
I suffer from car sickness.

And sometimes I get ill
even in a stationary car.

Uh, I actually once threw up
watching
an edition of Top Gear.

But that was chiefly
'cause I don't
like Jeremy Paxman.

Uh, Clarkson, isn't it?

(CHUCKLES) Anyway,

the Fourth Sector is something
I feel very passionate about.

So let me try and
explain it to you.

I don't know if Ben's
talked to you
about the cake image.

Let's imagine I'm a mum,
'cause I am,

and I'm trying to bake a cake
for my children.

And my aim is to bake a cake

that actually
can consume itself,

'cause that in a sense
is what
the Fourth Sector is doing.

We're baking
a self-eating cake.

I've written
a couple of other things
which I can't quite read,

uh, because I've written them
in a hurry.

So, the point is this leaflet
tells you all
you need to know,

actually,
you don't need me wittering.

So why don't you help yourself
to the literature.

Help yourself to...
We haven't got a cake, but...

Uh, 'cause it's eaten itself,
but we have got nuts.

Sorry, sorry.
We haven't got any nuts.
We've just got Skips.

-We've got no nuts.
DoSAC has no nuts.
-And some Twiglets.

There's a headline.
Please don't use it.

Ah.

Uh, sorry I missed it.
Did it go well?

Nope.

Well, uh, more good news.

I'm afraid my
chances of becoming an MP
have been torpedoed

by the U-boat that was you.

The selection committee

decided that my
association with you
was too divisive.

OLLY: The dream is over, eh?

I'm devastated. I had 500 quid
on you being
the new Foreign Secretary.

Uh, it's a great loss
to regional politics,
for sure.

By flying so close to your
bright Sun, like Icarus I have
crashed to the Earth,

and died.

Nicola, I've got to tell you,

that was one of the best live
performances I've ever seen.

And I've seen fucking Stomp!

It was a consummate piece
of fucking incompetence.

Yeah,
that's what I thought I'd do,
take the heat off.

(CLEARING THROAT)
The blog's updating.

Am I still
a leadership contender?

Nope. Not at all.

Well, good. Good.

-Not even an outsider?
-No.

What are they saying?

You don't really want to know
what they're saying.
Not exactly

what they're saying. Sorry.

NICOLA: What a fucking day!

MALCOLM: Ladies and gentlemen,
the dirty protest is now over,

please mop up your shit
and fuck off home.

Good news, BBC is gonna issue
an apology for the way they
edited the video.

MALCOLM:
The BB fucking C, yeah,

I mean, they crumble at the
first sign of pressure,
like an old woman's hip.

That's why they've got
a fucking
programme called Sorry!

Right,
the PM is coming home early,

and he's asked for an audience
with SenorMalcolm Tucker.

So I'm getting
my paddle, Terri,
I'm getting my paddle.

Make sure fucking Nicola
doesn't top herself, eh?

-Yeah, sure.
-Make sure that Ben does.

Oh, and Glenn... Glenn,
I've got a very
special task for you,

-my unelectable friend.
-What's that?

Turn the fucking
phones back on.

OLLY: Night, Malcolm.