Original subtitles

Do you fancy a yogurt bar?

No, it makes my throat go claggy. Thanks.

I'm actually really nervous about tonight.

-Why? -Well, you know,

last time I was on 5 live I thought Simon Mayo

was going to be a walkover and it was a bloody nightmare.

Well, you just got unlucky there.

I mean, I suppose there has to be one person

that Simon Mayo doesn't get on with.

Well, at least I've met Richard Bacon before, so...

-At that Red Cross thing. -That's right.

-He's nice, actually. -TERRI: Hmm.

NICOLA: Made me think I must listen to his show.

-Did you? -No.

-You heard it? -Well, only since we knew you were...

(SIGHS) Can't wait to go back to Radio 4.

Although, of course I'm much younger than their core demographic.

I've just started listening to Jamie Theakston in the mornings.

-Uh-huh? -Very, very sweet.

Apart from the prostitute thing.

NICOLA: Where is Olly? GLENN: Well, I gave him the night off.

Relationship crisis.

He's got to go and cook Emma a meal.

Olly! Does he cook?

I thought he lived off sandwiches and Tic Tacs.

-Ah! -Oh, look, they're here already.

Why does the useless one, she keeps staring at me?

Because she's a mentalist and she loves you.

You ever crash your car in the mountains,

she'll be the one waiting to drag you out.

You've seen Misery?

I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I?

-Ah! -BACON: Hello, everyone!

-Hello. -Hello.

I'm Richard, the presenter, good to see you, this is Janice, the producer.

-Nice to meet you! -Hello, lovely to see you again.

-GLENN: How do you do? -Again?

Yes, British Red Cross do.

Right. Yeah, I remember, yeah. Good to see you.

-Peter! -Richard!

How are you?

That was great at the Oval.

-It was such a good day, wasn't it? -It was fantastic.

I got a little bit pissed.

-Let's have a drink sometime. -Yeah, sure.

All right, thanks for coming in tonight.

Listen, you probably know this,

we've got a breaking story about fat cat city bonuses,

then piercings is after you, but I might read out some texts about it

-during the interview. -Get some texts coming in.

-Okay. Okay? -And also you know it all goes out live,

so absolutely no swearing.

No swearing. Oh, we can all thank our fucky stars for that!

We're going to start the show.

All right. Great.

-Okay. -Yeah, yeah, you're all in there.

-It's the green room. -What? All in here?

-We're all in here? -Yeah. Tea and coffee and stuff.

-Nicola? -Thank you.

GLENN: Terri? TERRI: Oh, thanks, yes.

(SOFTLY) The stupid one keeps staring at me.

Could you block the view or something?

PHIL: Okay. PETER: Okay.

-Sorry. -Why isn't Emma here to help?

She's dumping Olly tonight.

Result. Probably crying his eyes out right now,

like Kate Winslet losing on a scratch card.

I mean, I thought you said you were cooking dinner.

I'm absolutely starving.

Oh, yeah, I didn't realise you had to cook lamb shanks

for a fucking fortnight.

You shouldn't be using Phil's courgettes, you know. He counts them.

-Phil counts his courgettes? -Every night.

As long as he doesn't do anything else with them every night.

Right, look, let's... Let's make the mood

little bit nicer, little bit sexier.

-Let's just... -Oh! Sorry, Olly, I need that light.

-Can you... -Sorry.

Sorry, just, only being romantic, as I was ordered to

by the romance Nazi.

I'm going to talk to him. This is stupid.

Who? Peter? Okay, I'll come with you.

He's only two feet away.

-No, let me, honestly. -GLENN: I'll be right behind you.

So, hello then, Peter.

-Hello, Nicola. -GLENN: Can I help you?

-I don't know. -(STUTTERS) Sit, down, Phil.

Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, yes, of course, that's very funny,

because of the shitstorm you created about my second holiday,

I had to cancel my second holiday.

I see what you did there. You should be in stand-up.

Glenn Elton. Yes, indeed, ladies and gentleman.

Sorry about the puffin.

No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is,

I'm going to enjoy myself here

listening to this Murray-Mannion ding-dong on the radio.

The fat cat story's breaking, so the opposition are gonna be sweating

like Vegas Elvis on a squash court.

Happy birthday, Malcolm.

Stop saying that, right? Just you go home.

What is this? Don't... Is this my new anal beads?

Okay, this has been x-rayed, yeah?

I'm not gonna get fucking a present bomb in the face?

This could be from anybody.

(SIGHS) It's from the Prime Minister.

This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, yeah?

And he wonders why we don't let him out in public.

Excellent! £15 from the Golden Temple

and expertly home-chopped vegetables.

-It's a beautiful night in. -What are you...

Ugh! Olly, that is absolutely disgusting.

That's not disgusting, it's fresh vegetables.

I'm not putting a raw sausage in there, am I?

This is fun, isn't it? Hey?

This might be the most enjoyable meal we've had

since I told your dad off for using the N-word.

Yeah, well, it's not my fault

that Stewart asked me to rewrite the CBI speech.

(RADIO PLAYING INTRO)

Gotta listen to this Richard Bacon thing.

-Talk radio, sexy! -Shh!

Don't worry. I've done some of my best shagging to Caesar the Geezer.

Can you just stop talking shit for a second,

so we can listen to your boss talking shit instead?

ANNOUNCER: ...with Richard Bacon.

(BACON CHATTERING ON RADIO)

You know, when your mum walked out,

did you ever think maybe that wasn't just about your dad?

Fourth sector, people power.

Inspiring each other out of disadvantage.

And you need to put in the linking words as well, not just the headlines.

I am going to talk in complete sentences.

I think you should rehearse with those headlines.

(SIGHS) Okay, how about I believe in people power,

will you fuck off, Terri? Is that okay?

We call it the common sense checklist, Richard. We need to cut red tape.

We were talking about that at the Oval the other day, weren't we, Richard?

That's just the sound of wickets falling.

(MOBILE RINGING)

-PHIL: Stewart... -Stewart? Oh...

Oh, good. I wonder what Mr Political Correctness Gone Boring wants?

Hi, Stewart.

Look, a little note for Peter, tell him to dump the common sense checklist.

Yeah, it's an ex-list.

The new world order is this.

Hit the City hard, yeah? It's reverse Gekko.

Greed is bad, money is awful. I heart Tracy Chapman, yeah?

He wants you to scrap the common sense checklist

and hit the City hard over the bonuses, call them all money-grabbing wankers.

-Would you like to come through? -What?

-Yeah. -Phil.

Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers.

And I've got to give a speech to a roomful of them

tomorrow at the CBI lunch. I'm not going to say,

"Hello, chums, I've just taken a slash in the soup,"

so, no, the answer's no.

Stewart, um... Peter's not going to want to do that.

No, I don't want him to want to do it, Phil.

I just want him to do it.

Stewart says it's a JB diktat, you have to do it.

Tell him to stick a goose up his arse.

He was struck on the foot after Bret Lee ripped through their batting lineup

at Lord's, Dimitri Mascarenhas is the man...

Rice is difficult to get right, isn't it?

Rice is difficult to get right. Why is that?

BACON ON RADIO: Are piercings attractive to the gay youth...

God, this is hard work.

Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown

between two political heavyweights.

After trading blows in the dailies,

it's now time for them to meet face to face.

So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray...

-Hello. -...Secretary of State

for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship.

Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time.

Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable

Peter Mannion MP.

Hi, Richard. Good to see you again.

-The Mannionator! -Good to see you again as well.

Uh, listen, guys, first of all...

How old are you?

Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos?

(NICOLA CHUCKLES)

Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count?

(ALL CHUCKLE)

-Classic! -Well, you know how it is.

out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy,

rolled into casualty, yeah.

Hey, we all got it done.

Yeah! In your face, bitch!

That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings?

Um... Uh, no...

-Yes, you do. -No piercings at all, no.

TERRI: You have got some piercings.

-BACON: Okay, all right. -Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no.

Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be,

probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small.

BACON: Right.

But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about

taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues

like body piercing or female circumcision...

Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears.

(LAUGHS)

BACON: Let's leave that there.

Fuck me! This is like a clown running across a minefield!

I'm really worried about Nicola.

She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin.

What I'm asking you to do is, have a word with, um...

Blondie, that producer. And cut Nicola some slack,

because she needs all the sympathy she can get.

The problem is, though, Glenn, if you say to a journalist,

"Can you avoid that topic?" that's when they really go for it.

I mean, it's like saying to the school bully,

"I'll wet myself if you tickle me."

"Dear Richard, I don't see the point of piercings.

"If you were a robot, you wouldn't stick bits of dangling flesh

"all over yourself, would you?"

Now, more on the breaking news that bank bonuses have tripled

in the past year. Peter Mannion?

Well, some people are paid a great deal of money

for doing things that are very special,

like top footballers or top entertainers,

and so will top bankers.

BACON: They are. Let's find out what the callers make of it.

Jim in Taunton...

And we'll never know what Jim from Taunton's thoughts are.

What are your thoughts tonight, Emma from this flat?

Oh, actually, we do need to talk.

That sounds ominous, like "did you until recently have a cat" kind of...

(MOBILE RINGING)

Hang on, I've just got to take this.

Oh, fuck this. Right, okay. You do that.

I will go for a shit with the lovely Polly Toynbee.

EMMA: Stewart, Hi.

Emma, poppet, look, uh, Peter is going almost violently off-message

over at 5 live, so I'm afraid I'm gonna have to scramble you.

I've sent a cab round, just call me when you're en route.

(MOUTHING) Tell him to fuck off.

And if you get any problems, solve those problems.

Okay, Stewart, I'm on my way.

-What? What? -I've got to go to the office...

-I thought we had to talk... -CBI speech. I'll talk to you later.

-All right, okay. -I'll go, I've got to go.

What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other

out of poverty, out of disadvantage.

How can you be inspired out of poverty?

Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone...

I'm not being cynical, Nicola Murray.

It's a perfectly legitimate question.

How can you be inspired out of poverty?

Okay, you are being cynical, but anyway, we'll park that.

Um, one of our initiatives is to designate...

-Nicola fourth. -...certain people as fourth sector

pathfinders, now they would be pillars of a normal community.

BACON: Are you talking about have-a-go heroes, for example?

NICOLA: No, we're talking about everyday heroes.

I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson-style vigilantes?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, yes. Yes, we don't, we don't want Charles Bronson.

More, more, Charles, uh...Dance.

Okay.

PETER: Or Chaplin, yeah?

BACON: Peter Mannion, the animosity between you two...

(MOBILE RINGING)

-Oh, for Christ's... All right! -Out!

Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision.

(GLENN SIGHS)

-Malcolm? -Are you producing porno now

for the visually impaired?

(STUTTERS) What?

MALCOLM: Because what I'm hearing here,

on my radio is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked.

What is this, Bukkake at Bedtime? Just, fuck, put Olly on.

Olly? Well, he's not here. He's at home.

Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there,

and get down to 5 live right now.

Tell him to inject some air into Nicola's performance.

She's coming across like

a Nazi float at the fucking Notting Hill Carnival.

It seems to me what I call, a political meringue, uh...

Sweet but lightweight and very little substance.

(PHIL CLAPPING)

PETER: What, what...

He's like bloody Ustinov, isn't he?

Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out?

Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now?

You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out!

I know exactly what you mean.

The other day the BBC sent me on a Health & Safety awayday,

where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee.

(LAUGHING) This is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense.

That's nonsense

and we need to say no to the nanny state,

boo to nanny

and claw back some personal responsibility

in the name of common sense.

We need to... Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny?

Yeah, it's just a play on Jools Holland's Hootenanny.

(STUTTERS) I didn't write it, it's not,

-But, you know... -BACON: Right.

Hey nanny no.

-Right. -PETER: That's...

-Oh, hello. Nice dinner? -Fuck off, Bagpuss.

God, Kermode, your hands are massive.

-(MOBILE RINGING) -It's already won a few major awards

and it's tipped for an Oscar nomination.

-Glenn? -Sorry, mate.

I'm calling you in from your lovenest by the orders of Pol Pottymouth.

No, no, I'm fine, I'm coming. I am coming.

I was just on the verge of saying that to somebody else,

only in a slightly higher voice.

Can I just pause there to read out some texts on piercings?

"Dear Richard, my friend's daughter got piercings all round her mouth,

"she looks like she works in a ball bearings factory

"and there was an explosion and all the shrapnel

"got embedded in her face. I don't like it."

Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him?

Kind of. He's getting the message.

Look, I couldn't say while you were together,

but I really don't know what you saw in him.

You told me all the time how much you hated him.

That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long.

Are you splitting up with Olly?

Sorry, can you actually hear all right over there?

I can pop into the studio and get some microphones,

-so you can get all the details... -TERRI: No, I can hear fine.

I think that's a really good idea. I mean, for your sake.

I'd back you up on that.

What, I have your backing? Oh, fantastic.

-Thanks... -Hey, Emma, look,

you're clearly overemotional right now.

Why don't you go home,

you know, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes?

-I've got it covered here. -Yeah. Well, actually,

Stewart called me in because he wanted me to SatNav Peter

out of the dead end you've driven him into.

So, perhaps you should piss off

and read that Marie Claire you nicked off me.

Hey, Stewart. He's great, isn't he?

"Boo to nanny?" Phil, no one watches Jools Holland, yeah?

We need to be appealing to One Showman and Holby Citywoman.

-What's he saying? -Just shut up, Emma.

-The men are talking. -Is Emma there?

-Yes, she is here. -Thank God! Put her on, Phil.

EMMA: Stewart, hi. STEWART: This is the brief. Got a pen?

-Yeah, hang on, have you got a pen? -Yeah, you're not having it.

-Do you need a pen? -Uh, I do, thanks.

Sorry, Stewart, hang on.

Why don't you have one just sellotaped to your chin, Emma?

Write this down! Write on his shirt! Just write it down.

-I'm serious. -Are you listening to Daddy?

-Okay. -I want you to pull some info, right?

On city bonuses, tax evasion, non-doms...

Let's name and shame some fat cats. I want to hear some fact-enforced noise!

-Terri? -Hmm?

-EMMA: Okay, I'll call you back. -Terri, a word.

Sorry, could I have my pen?

EMMA: Oh, sorry, yeah, I wasn't going to keep it.

-My phone? -It's a Parker, so...

Those two are absolutely awful. She is a complete bitch.

-What? -I think he might be simple.

Well, you should thank your lucky stars.

This is your chance to get away from Princess Anne and Captain Mark Phillips.

I've done a list here for all the fat cats and bonuses.

I wonder if you'd like to run this in to Nicola?

-Yeah, sure. -Okay, Good.

-Many thanks, Glenn. -What?

For getting me in on my special night off.

Emma was furious when I said I was coming in here, she was moaning,

she was screaming

and then I said I was coming in here, do you see what I did?

-I see. -It's a funny joke

about my sexual prowess.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Oh, I'm having an affair with Richard Bacon.

I'm incredibly aroused by men with meat in their surname.

You. You told me... I cooked a lovely meal...

Ordered. And it wasn't lovely.

What the fuck's going on?

Sorry, I've got to take this, I'll talk to you later.

-So, she did come. -EMMA: Hi.

She came into work. Do you see what I did there?

Fuck off, Glenn.

NICOLA: ...when you yourself were actually in cabinet.

BACON: Hmm. NICOLA: We have tried repeatedly...

-(MOUTHING) Fuck off. -...to initiate legislation...

(MOUTHING) Go.

...which will outlaw these bonuses.

Now, your party has persistently blocked those attempts...

BACON: I think it's an interesting point.

What do you say, Peter Mannion, to the accusation

that these huge bonuses and the offence that they cause

are the fault of your party?

I think that's a completely fatuous argument,

when Nicola's party has been in government

for what seems like about a century

and bonuses under their watch have increased...

What? Five fold? Oh, dear!

Come on, Nicola, pull your finger out.

Okay, fine. So you personally would like to see more done to hit the fat cats?

Is that what you're saying?

(STAMMERS) Well, yes. I... I would.

If the person receiving the bonus hasn't performed well...

Can I, can I simplify that? Let me simplify this.

Would you outlaw bonuses?

(STUTTERS) In the case of them being undeserved, yes...

Which the bulk of them are, so basically you're saying

the bulk of your friends in the City are disgusting.

No. No. No. Yes. Yes, but only if the bonuses they receive

-are unfair... -I think, well, I think we've got...

It's all right, I think we've got your point.

Uh, thank you. Let's move on.

Let's go to Derek, he's been waiting ages,

he's on the line. Derek.

Right. If you speak to me, I will pour hot coffee on your balls.

Hey, guy, I don't want to fight, I want to clear the air, actually.

We're like those two little, them old people in the weather cock.

You come out, I'm in there and then we're swapping round.

-You're Mr Sunshine, are you? -I'm Mr Sunshine.

You're a little wooden twat in a little wooden house!

There's no need, we can be friends.

I'm thinking two enemies, they come together when they realise

it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir.

Me, Aragorn, the true king, you, Boromir,

your horn is broken and will be blown no more.

This inability to talk without using Lord of the Ringsmetaphors

is one of the very many reasons that we could never be friends.

Okay. By the way, you'll be getting a bill.

That's okay though, I presume you're expecting that.

Okay, I'll bite.

(SIGHS) Why will I be getting a bill, Phil?

Ah, let me see, partial rent, electricity, gas, internet use,

toilet paper... Kept a note every time you were round at the flat.

You're moving out?

Oh, that's a shame! I'll miss doing that secret and bad thing

I did with your roll-on deodorant.

I'm not moving out, I'm just guessing that seeing how Emma's dumped you,

you won't be coming round much any more.

What?

Oh, let me just savour this moment.

(CHUCKLES) Thank you, God.

-She hasn't told you, has she? -No, what?

-She's dumped you. She did it tonight. -No, no.

-Hang on. -She didn't do it tonight.

Let me get a little photo of this moment.

-No, put the fucking... -Hey, new desktop picture here.

-Put the fucking phone down. -Olly being dumped.

-Put the fucking... -She fucking told me...

-What she told me... -Why would she tell you first, dickwad?

I've no idea. She told me to get out of the flat tonight,

so she could dump you.

Anyway, in the words of Shakespears Sister...

* You're history *

(GROANS) Fuck.

It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm, I still win!

James Henderson, what's your point?

Is that Jim Henderson from Clifton?

You two know each other?

We've met, we know each other...

HENDERSON: We've met. Yes, we have met.

I'm surprised to hear you turning on the City boys.

You never found the JFU

donating huge wodges of cash to your party disgusting.

(STAMMERS) Well, that's a separate issue...

Even though everyone knows they've got links with sweatshops.

-BACON: Wow! -What?

Well, that's quite an extraordinary allegation, very serious.

Yes!

BACON: ...links to sweatshops?

That should be looked into but...

Oh, it's my birthday!

...I don't know the facts.

HENDERSON: I've just told you the facts. Are you calling me a liar?

I can't believe my ears.

Did we just break a story that wasn't "the Ipswich manager's got sacked"?

It's my birthday!

Cunt cake? Go ahead.

Right, Emma, look, look... I'm just coming in.

Okay? Yeah, look, I'll be 20 minutes, right?

So see if you can get Peter to do something inoffensive for 20 minutes.

Hard boil four eggs!

(SIGHS) Oh, great!

You tell fucking Man at C&A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it?

-What's he talking about? -I thought he knew.

-Oh, you fucking twit! -Sorry. I'm sorry...

Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen.

I can fill you in.

Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery.

If he's a Viking, he's King Cnut.

-What? -EMMA: What?

Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should listen.

-Bullshit! -GLENN: Oh!

(CHATTERING ON RADIO)

-Just, Emma... -Shh. Shh!

You can't even fucking look at me.

We're trying to listen here now.

Shut the fuck up, Phil!

(ALL ARGUING)

Will you both go somewhere else!

Okay, do you want to shut up? If you lot don't keep this down,

I'm going to have you all ejected from the building.

You are the worst. My chair still smells of your perfume.

Excuse me. For the record, I have done nothing.

Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri.

We need to go the news and sport here.

Just before that, a quick text.

"Dear Richard, I love piercings.

"They are part of who I am, literally. Tina in Weymouth."

(INTERVAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Where the fuck are Terry and June going?

Great. Good! Yes! I'm cooking now.

Cooking with gas!

I'm fucking Delia Smith!

I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder,

I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great!

That was not good. That was the opposite of good.

Bad?

How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU?

I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know.

You couldn't hear? Christ! You're...

(CHUCKLING) Sorry, it's just...

You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here?

You're here to hear! You're not here for eye candy!

Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here.

Olly and Emma were splitting up at the time

-and I couldn't really focus... -Emma? Emma?

-Why is Emma here? -Stewart sent her down there.

Why have you got wet trousers?

Olly threw coffee at me.

I'm sorry, I seem to have wandered into some 1970s Ray Cooney farce.

Is the vicar about to come round with Brian Rix...

Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs.

Olly, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more.

We're busy people. We work really, really hard.

We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we...

Did you used to make time for each other?

I mean, I think that's the crucial question.

Sorry...

Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off!

Where am I meant to go?

Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something.

You're going to be a lot better off without him.

What do you mean I'm going to be...

-You're not going to be better off... -Sorry, have you...

Do you talk about me at work?

Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had

about being on Loose Women.

...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig.

PHIL: I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going.

Right. I'll go back to Loose Women.

Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson,

purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of "gits".

-Oh, right. -I just don't think he should

-be talking about me at all... -No. I agree. I absolutely agree.

...let alone on things that are totally private.

Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they?

I know you've been talking about me, Terri,

because I've got this weird Derren Brown thing going on,

where I can see and hear things, Terri.

So, Olly, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me?

I've been saying you smell of fennel,

-you're racist... -Olly.

...you torture horses and you're in the Bangles.

That's what I've been saying about you at work.

See, I think you've been sexually bragging.

Well, don't flatter yourself.

Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life.

I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm?

And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him,

but not seeing him in man-made fibres.

He's just drying his... He's drying his trousers.

PETER ON RADIO: ...a woman whose party created spin.

I don't want to know.

NICOLA: That's not true.

-Your party created spin... -No, no, no.

-And we had to... -No, no, no.

How perfect. Who should walk in...

I'm Stewart Pearson, yeah?

See the fat man that you're berating like he's a pinata?

Well, I own him.

BACON: Peter Mannion, that's a fascinating development.

Oh! And as we speak,

who should come rolling along the corridor but Malcolm Tucker,

the man who was once referred to as the Gorbals Goebbels.

STEWART: Oh, don't do a joke. Peter, don't do a...

Peter Mannion, can you explain, please,

why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely unannounced?

I would say it was an indication of how seriously our party is taking

the allegations that we were...

-STEWART: Don't say it again! -...receiving donations from...

From a sweatshop labour company.

Ooh! Did you prep him with this shit, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The last thing I said to him was go in there and bomb.

(CHUCKLES) Well, it fucking worked.

Usually, he comes across like, you know, just another third-rate Donald Sinden

but tonight, he's like a ventriloquist's dummy

that's fucking falling to bits.

Yeah, it's really nice to see you

without those veins in your temples throbbing.

'Cause you have really got your work cut out with him, haven't you?

Look at the hair. You've got to do something.

He's like fucking Swiss Toni.

Yeah, well, this is radio, Malcolm,

but it's great to be getting this straight from you. Thanks.

Look, do you guys have to make so much noise?

I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love,

but this is fucking soundproofed, that, they can't hear you.

I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them.

Look, can you please get out?

No. Actually, we... We are entitled to be in here.

That lot, they should all be in here,

all of their political advisors should be in here.

-I'm going to get them in here. -No.

Night in and night out,

it strikes me that one or both of you are in trouble.

-Something has happened. -Well, I can assure you it's not me.

-I want to add to the party atmosphere. -Gather around, everybody.

-I'm perfectly entitled to do this. -There is a text here

from Tim in Ruislip. This is what Tim's text says,

"Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government.

"In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition."

Can I just say to the listeners at home, I have no idea what's going on now.

We're in a studio, there's another room next door...

We have to get out, right? Okay. Let's get, you know...

What you reckon, Malcolm? It seems like a big issue to me.

It's not. We're going to move on to piercings.

Janice, I'm sure in the interest of balance, you'll want to...

Right, can you shut up, right?

-Malcolm's right, I decide what is news. -Absolutely.

And this is fucking news.

Bullshit! Right, let's... See this here?

You do it and I will press this fucking button.

JANICE: Don't fucking threaten me! MALCOLM: This switch...

-Richard, Tim in Ruislip. -You do that and I will...

BACON: We've just received this text from Tim in Ruislip...

Ooh. She's actually put it through.

And he says, "Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government.

"In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition."

That's your fucking career over, right? Okay, you're fucking dead.

And those three little words, "Tim in Ruislip",

are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear.

(IMITATES HAMMERING) Tim. In. Ruislip.

Tim in fucking Ruislip.

And as for Tim in fucking...

Yeah, okay, can you stop fucking saying that, please?

...fucking Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well!

That fucking texting coward.

Give me his number. What's his fucking number?

-Erase it. -Give me the fucking number

-of Tim in Ruislip. -Take it off the screen now.

If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do?

I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip

and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger

off of every single person I see

who I think resembles the kind of wanker

that would be walking around in this day and fucking age

with a name like fucking Tim!

How do you think that sounds, huh?

Quite, quite mad.

(WHISPERS) You and I have to have a word.

BACON: ...witnessed that pantomime through there...

(WHISPERS) I think he wants me to step outside.

(CHATTERING ON RADIO)

Right. You're on, mate. Come on. Get in there now.

I want you in there rattling your fucking jewellery...

And talking about your fucking Prince Albert, come on.

He doesn't actually work here.

Vamoose, you lot! Fucking vamoose!

Come on, Johnny fucking Depp. Get in here...

Get off.

I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat

and watch your fucking face implode. Get in there!

Here he is. Piercings. In you go.

Sit down there, son, no problem, go ahead.

BACON: Now, I assume you're here for the piercings debate.

Here's the fucking thing.

Nobody talks about fucking dodgy donors, okay?

Because it makes everybody look bad.

Okay, I'll go with a different angle, then.

How do you think it would land with your female voters

if they were to find out that Tom Rudd...

-Oh! -...forced his secretary

into having an abortion?

That was her own personal choice and by the way, it wasn't his.

(WHISPERS) Over here.

Wow! So him paying for that private clinic, then,

was just because he's such a nice man?

He is a nice man.

What about your nice man at central planning, eh?

The one who got a bit carried away

and fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much?

Fucking broke the skin!

But he wasn't such a nice man, was he?

But I suppose that's just part of your common sense checklist, yeah.

All they need is a good slap,

and do please remember to leave your fucking rings on!

You go check your facts, Malcolm,

that was a domestic accident and nothing more.

Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got fucking hands

-the size of fucking doors! -Sorry. Look...

Oh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah?

Now, I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip,

but really, coke dealing at university?

-Oh! Please, please! -Hey, am I right in thinking

he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah?

Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet?

I have got a fucking photograph

that I've been waiting for a fucking rainy day to show everyone,

which is a photograph of your fucking shadow chancellor

at one of his fucking parties

dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders and fucking blackface!

What's his defence going to be, hey, when I email that to the fucking Sun?

(MOCKINGLY) "Oh, well, I am just de shadow chancellor."

Malcolm, he won't have a defence because you haven't got that picture

-because that didn't happen. -I have!

However, I do have a statement from a rent boy...

Oh, that's very useful for you.

You can claim that against your expenses, can't you?

-Oh, yeah, funny, very funny. -And you'll get that for free.

Is that one of the fucking perks of the job?

No, listen, his statement says

he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs

-paid him to shit on his chest. -Don't!

(RADIO INTERVIEW CONTINUES)

Right, look, this is out of order, okay?

Here's the deal.

We both, both make statements saying that our guys in there,

they were not in possession of all the facts. Hmm?

But we're looking into it.

You'd do that?

Hang your own guy out to fucking dry?

What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah!

Old guard? We're not sending him to DoSAC to fatten him up,

we're putting him out to pasture, Malcolm.

We should just go home.

We can do that. We can just seal this in.

Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM.

I mean, you carry on like this

and I might not find you utterly fucking contemptible.

That's an incentive. I'll get my bag.

BACON: Have a look at Ben there.

Do you think that's art?

(STUTTERS) Well, it's not really for me to say

and of course, there's quite a lot of tattoos there,

as well as piercings.

And also you can take your guitar and your Wii Fit.

-I bought you the Wii Fit as a present. -Yeah, well, I don't want it.

-Well, you could fucking use it. -What? What did you just say?

MALCOLM: They crucified him and it was 'cause it was that programme,

but it's good that he's found his way back.

I mean, if it had been Magpie, nobody would have cared, you know.

STEWART: But no one cared about Magpie,we never even watched it in our house.

Oh, by the way, happy birthday, Malcolm.

MALCOLM: Oh, don't you fucking start.

STEWART: Why? It's not a special one, is it?

Fiftieth. Nah.

Uh, excuse me, is this the car for Nicola Murray?

Oh, well, she said that I could take it.

Well, good night, Malcolm, I'll see you on election night.

I'll pop round, pick up the keys...

What is this, are you working the railways or something?

BACON ON RADIO: Andrew in Suffolk writes, "The body is a temple.

"Temples aren't made of metal. Case closed."

MALCOLM: You couldn't turn that to Magic FM, could you, mate?

Otherwise, I'm going to have to tear my eyelids off

and scrunch them up into fucking earplugs.