Original subtitles

Terri, is...? Oh, hello, Robyn. Where's Terri? Is she not...

Morning, Mr Lover-Loverman.

Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster?

- Is that why... - Hey, Horatio!

- How's it hanging? - It's hanging fine.

- Sleeping with the opposition! - Not all of them.

(Glenn) What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal erm...

Scrotum? What? What?

Shagging the opposition! Never would have happened in my day.

She's not my opposite number.

Levitt has gone to shadow Defence, so she's doing shadow Defence.

So she's no longer Social Affairs, so...

Did you manage to do some good and steal a few policy papers?

It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex.

I never fucked Terri.

- Oh, Terri. Did you not know? - No.

- Malcolm's erm... - Malcolm's what?

- Binned her. She's gone. - You're jo...

Morning, studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side?

How was your dip in the wild blue...pussy?

How do you know?

You're the most uninformed...

Everyone knows. My milkman knows.

Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you. Terri's gone.

- What? - Terri. Terri's gone.

- What do you mean gone? - A resignation bluff went awry.

No! Yes!

Oh, result!

Whoo, whoo, all right!

Come on! High five!

Secretary of State, just to let you know,

Terri's father's had a stroke.

It's pretty serious, so she's going to be gone quite a while.

I... Oh, dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, I was just shitting you. It was just an early morning joke.

I was that close to buying the champagne and Ritz crackers.

Sorry, it was just a stupid... He made a joke.

Should I send her a card?

Yeah, of course. That would be appropriate.

Do you want to give me £8?

- Yeah... Erm... - I was kidding.

It's a joke!

- Oh, right. - It was a joke.

- Erm... - OK.

- That's Robyn. Robyn Murdoch, isn't it? - That's Robyn Murdoch?

- I thought Robyn Murdoch was a bloke. - No. That's...

I always thought that was Robyn Murdoch's secretary,

- someone whose name I didn't know. - No, that's Robyn.

Turns out I did know her name, after all.

But I had it attached to someone unknown's face.

She'll be much easier to cut out of the loop with the factory visit.

Can we send a revised biography, not that photo with that moustache?

I look like a disgraced geography teacher.

I can't help you with that, Hugh.

I've been seconded. I'm off for the week.

We beg to fucking differ. Where are you going?

Number Ten. I got the call from Malcolm at six this morning.

If it's all right with you, which he said obviously it would be.

Oh, well, obviously it is, then.

They only want him to make cappuccinos.

He does it very well. It's the way you waggle your finger in it.

Yeah, you think it's my finger, bitch.

- Where's Neil? - Leicester, poor fucker.

You'd think once you'd achieved a certain status, you'd be excused.

- Have you seen the whips' numbers? - NOMFP.

- Eh? - N-O-M-F-P. Not my fucking problem.

Do you like that? I'll use that quite a lot today.

Oh, well done with Fatty's profile. Very good.

I nearly liked the enormous fucker, reading it.

What if the MOD breaks tonight?

What I'm hearing is the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour.

They're talking about topping off at one and a half billion.

That's a lot of nurses.

Or one fantastically enormous robotic one.

Obviously.

- And how's the minister? - He's shitting himself.

He's practically kissing his driver goodbye.

He said he felt like he was

"in the Twin Towers on 9/11, just fucking waiting."

Oh, for fuck's sake! But everybody knows their lines?

- IT projects always overspend. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

Do you think you could manage to get me a decent cup of tea?

Thank you. Try not to drip in it.

I tell you, the thing that's worrying me is er.. is this dodgy?

I don't know. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid.

He says they never talked. What does it matter?

I'm a man of principle.

I like to know whether I'm lying to save a tosser or a moron.

Probably a moron.

Is this yours? Is this new?

Yeah. I thought I'd get it for Number Ten.

- Has it got a camera on it? - Yeah. It's on the back.

Happy slap him. Go on.

How do you know about happy slapping? How do you begin to know about...

Hang on, I missed it. Will you do it again?

That's assault. Get off, will you?

It's all right, we can doctor the crime figures.

I really like this.

I'll punch you in your substantial gut.

Fucking hell, Robyn! You little fucker!

- I've got it. Look, look. (Guffaws) - It's very good.

We should take one of us, so he's got something to remember us by.

At the end of the week you'll be head of the policy unit.

- You'll both be out. - Giving head to the policy unit.

Can we do the prep for the factory visit now?

Yeah.

We're going to get there at about 12:30.

Forgot the erm...

- Stupid boy. - That was funny.

That was funny? I don't think it was funny.

I'm an elected representative of the people. It was funny.

(Hand banging desk) Sam!

Sam, a coffee and a fucking skinny muffin.

What the fuck are you doing here?

I thought you said today, Malcolm.

- I mean what are you doing there? - Sorry.

I didn't want to interrupt. I never know what you're doing.

If the PM's giving me a blow job, I always put a sign up.

You're the kind of guy we need in here.

You are the proverbial bright spark, eh?

Horace?

- Horace? - What's all that stuff?

My social policy pitch stuff and some funding structures that I've worked up.

Is that right that you shagged that shadow Defence bird?

- Not exactly. It's complicated... - Hey, Jamie, this is Olly.

What? The Olly? The "Stuck One Up The Opposition For Us" Olly?

Good fucking man! Good to meet you.

This is Jamie. He'll be looking after you.

Another Scot.

Does everyone have to be in the Caledonian mafia to work here?

This is Olly. He's the guy that fucked the opposition for us.

(Cheering)

Quite an introduction.

Just nod when the big fucker talks, but do whatever I say, OK?

Actually, it's the other way around.

Jamie's going to put you in touch with Paul.

Paul vets the stuff that we input into the attack.

Technically, you shouldn't be doing this here,

but the mainframe's not here, right?

- So technically, you're not. - Sorry, stuff about Emma?

- About Emma. - Oh.

Hey, Olly, I know that you're dead brainy. But look.

I've got brains coming out of my fucking arse.

And what I need is political intelligence, yeah?

I just feel a bit awkward, you know. I mean...

Aw! It's make-your-mind-up time, Olly. I mean, what do you want to be?

Do you want to be a prick that works here for a year

and then joins a think tank

to write, "On the one hand this, on the other hand that"?

Or do you want to be a soldier?

Have you got your eyes on the prize?

- I've got my eyes on the prize. - Good.

- Yeah, but what is the prize? - I don't know. Ask the brain guys.

But I'll settle for keeping us in government

instead of the wankers you're shagging.

This roll in the hay,

have you got something that'll keep us working for a morning?

Or is this an ongoing shagging scenario?

I think I've got one pretty satisfied customer there.

Do you know about what's kicking off at Defence,

Geoff Holhurst and his son Christian?

Yeah, 80 - 90% of it, I would say.

Want me to drag Holhurst in, see if there's anything else?

Get the minister in.

Olly, see anything, anything on Defence, OK?

Anything that gives us another angle.

I mean, just ask her, look around the house, find something.

- OK. - I'll see you. Have a good day.

- You can have this desk. It's free. - OK.

She won't be coming back. Give me a shout if you need anything, OK?

Listen, don't touch the keyboard.

Bob'll go fucking nuts. Just use your laptop if you've got one.

So I've been given a desk in Number Ten...

- to ring my girlfriend? - Yeah, that's about the size of it.

Shagging your way to the top, then, is it?

Yes, well, I'm not Scottish, so I've got to get in somehow, haven't I?

There'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival,

plus four local papers.

- Regional? - No nationals?

Well, this is very much a regional event.

You know, I didn't think that...

Robyn, all events are regional, hmm?

Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see?

Even JFK's assassination was a regional event.

But it was also very important. Hmm?

- Well, yes... - Like this factory visit?

You see that?

No national papers?

- No...national...papers. - Right.

Not one national paper.

- No? - No.

How is that possible?

How long are we supposed to hang around?

I promise, 20 minutes.

- We're scheduled for two hours. - Yeah, well...

- Who's going to do the...thing? - What thing?

We do a thing with Terri where I give her a signal, you know.

And she makes up some sort of excuse about how we... you know.

A change in arrangements and we've got to go?

Yeah. Cabinet emergency...

- You know about that, do you? - Yep, yep. Absolutely.

Yep. I do.

Hi. Hi, Emma. I just wanted to know what...

- Can I just borrow your seat here? - Thanks, Jamie.

I think I really like you, and erm...

(Retching)

And...if something feels right, you know...

- Hi, Geoff. - Ah, the man himself!

How are you?

(Olly) What? Have they been after you for stuff about me?

Your fucking whips?

These people! Have they got no decency?

Speaking of which, have you heard any of this MOD stuff that's going about?

How much fucking shit is there on the menu, and what fucking flavour is it?

Malcolm? No, no. I'm in a Scottish restaurant.

Some man's complaining they've underfried his Mars Bar.

Of course it's Malcolm.

Well, Malcolm's all sound major. That's him every day.

It's like this furnace of shit. It's not good for my system.

Christian's firm put in the second lowest tender. That's point one.

Do you fancy meeting up? Maybe tomorrow night?

You're worse than dead meat. You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures.

I asked you out last night because I really like you and, you know...

(Malcolm) You're a good guy,

but you've got to face the reality of this situation.

OK, all right. Bye.

If I've got to go, I go.

(Glenn) Well, here we are, Hugh.

Christ!

- (Man) There we go now. - Hello.

Thank you very much. Nice to meet you.

Are these some of the employees? May I say hello?

Hello. Hello, Hugh Abbot, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. Hello.

Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss?

I'm sorry?

Do you? She was in that home for 16 weeks.

Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss?

That's... That's very tough, isn't it?

That's very, very tough, and our hearts, all our hearts, go out to you.

Do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's piss?

I'm not the right person to talk to about this.

Who do I talk to?

Urinary and affairs like that are more Health.

So anyway, lovely to talk to you.

What a fantastic... What fantastic landscaping!

I think it makes an enormous difference

to the workplace when you have this relationship...

- But is that your answer? - Erm...

Can I just say, we'll get someone to note your case

and do what we can about it.

You'll get someone to note my case? Nobody's noted my case!

Stop it! Don't touch me! What are you touching me for?

You don't know me. You don't even want to know me, do you?

I would like to get to know you. I've just...

Why are you walking away from me, then?

Would you like to know the facts?

The minister would love to know.

There are two qualified nurses out of all those care assistants.

- Give her a smile. - The rest are only kids.

What are you smiling at? Do you think it's funny?

Do you think my mother's piss is funny?

Well, it's not funny. She's not laughing. She's pissing herself!

I'm not laughing, I'm crying!

- Glenn, is she still saying it? - Oh, God, yes.

Would you please give me a moment?

Yes, she's banging on about it even now.

The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots.

- Great shots? - Don't panic.

..because it's disgusting! You cannot treat people like this!

Can you please shut up for one fucking minute?

I'm asking nicely. Please!

Hugh, I'm going to have to hang up.

Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that?

I apologise. I am giving you a number.

Your dad told us that he didn't know you worked for the company.

You never told him.

Olly Reeder.

Erm... Sorry, who is this?

Obviously, he knew, but...

No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss.

Sorry, what...? Who are you?

You do talk to your dad?

- Well, how did you get... - No, you fucking don't!

Stop going on about your mother's piss?

Wrong answer! The wrong fucking answer!

Please don't be aggressive. I will call back.

You tell your corporate affairs people.

Otherwise I'm going to fucking maim every single fucking one of them. OK?

Good to see you. All right?

Well done, Christian.

I think he's one of these fucking Poxbridge types. Won't play dumb.

He can dumb up for us.

- Malcolm? - Walk and talk.

- It's Hugh. - What is it?

A woman hit him with a question and it's going to look bad on the news.

Look, NOMFP, OK? NOMFP.

Wait, wait. Dig some stuff up on the woman, OK?

OK.

Actually, no. I'm on my way to ITN now. I'm going to sweet-talk Pam Morrison,

but I could fucking kick the shit out of Mark Davies.

Yeah.

That's what I'll do. That's a good idea.

OK.

It'd be therapeutic, a bit of shouting.

Yeah.

A bit of fucking ying and yang. Spiritual.

- Yeah, brilliant. - Do it to somebody in there, right?

How's it going with the missus? What have you got on the opposition angle?

Erm... Which one? On the erm...?

What the fuck do you think? The fucking Tweenies tour dates?

- The MOD IT overspend. - Well, I'm erm...tickling a few trout.

- You're tickling trout? - Yeah, you know...tickling.

Just seeing if I can...

What does that mean?

We're going for a drink tomorrow night.

The vote's tonight. Rearrange it.

- What if she's busy? - Whoa, whoa!

NOMFP. Just tickle the old trout and make it happen.

Hi, Emma. I've messed up. Tomorrow night I'm actually not free.

I've got a squash game with Dan Miller.

No, obviously more important than a squash game.

Could we rearrange tomorrow for tonight?

Film's fine. I have seen the original Solaris.

I'd love to see it again. It's a classic. It is a classic.

I'll see you later...babe.

All right, yeah, bye.

Thanks, honey bunny.

Right, I've got a job for you.

- This is brilliant. I love these pipes. - Ah, Hugh?

- Can you excuse me for a second? - Olly. I've got him for you.

Thank you.

Can he stop it?

I've managed to persuade him to go over and have a word at ITN.

Well done. My man on the inside.

How does he do that? It's spooky.

He's like voodoo, he's like a bad Gandalf. So...

Yeah, there's something else big that might be breaking.

Breaking? What's breaking?

Geoff Holhurst is up to his neck in shit over his son's IT firm

getting the tender for a system that's gone two billion over.

They're bricking themselves that Sunita Anwar's going to leak it.

Bad day for Geoff, eh?

- Very bad day for Geoff. - I'm bumped off the news?

Right, and this at least means...

Glenn, Glenn! Geoff's up to his tits.

This is good news for me, right?

You would certainly have thought so.

- Glenn, talk to Olly. Congratulate him. - Oh, right.

What a great place. I love this bloody factory.

- I know this fucking... - Before you go on,

thanks very much for the piss woman.

Brilliant, she was. Yeah, more of those.

Listen, don't tell me any more because I won't be able to take it in.

But I will pass on what you said to the PM because he loves detail.

Right, so, Robyn...

Erm, Secretary of State, I'm sorry,

but there's been a change of plan and we have to go.

- I'm terribly sorry. - Oh, no!

- We have to go. - That's very disappointing.

- It's the Cabinet. - I'm so sorry.

- Why do we have to go? - Erm...

Important, is it?

Yeah? That's really a shame. I was hoping we could stay and have lunch.

- Yes, of course. - I was quite looking forward to that.

Well, we can. No, we can.

We can stay for lunch if you'd like to. I just...

What?

No, I thought you were doing the thing. We can stay for lunch.

- I thought you said it was important. - No. No, no.

No, it's really fine, honestly.

I can make any phone calls that we need to from here.

Great. OK, fine.

We've only been here 20 minutes, so it would be a shame to go now, wouldn't it?

Mark? Hi, Mark Davies? Malcolm. We've spoken on the phone.

Mind if I pop in? I was in seeing Pam

and everyone started talking about the Hugh thing.

Yes.

..what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss?

Look at his face!

Do you see what I have to work with?

He doesn't look great, does he?

Who do I talk to?

- Are you going to use that? - Don't touch that.

This isn't in the package, is it, Mark?

You're not using that. You can't use that.

This is dumbing down of the news agenda

that people like me and your boss's boss really object to.

I'm going to mention this to him when I see him on Friday.

Malcolm, this is a traditional, old-fashioned news story,

called "Minister looks a tit".

Hey, everybody looks a tit, you know.

Take two of these shots of him looking moronic out.

Leave a couple in of him looking a little bit dim,

put one of him composed.

Drop it down the order, we've got a deal.

I'm not... Deal? What deal, Malcolm?

He looks a tit, that's it. I'm sorry.

But there is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness

to come through and just exploiting it through camera work here.

You're sticking one tit moment on top of another.

That wouldn't happen in real life. And do you know about that woman?

Have you made any enquiries into the background of that woman?

I'm sure my researchers have, yes.

Have they? Well, I don't think they have.

Just excuse me a second.

- Malcolm. - Anything on the woman?

I've got Frankie up there now, rooting through the bins.

Hang on a second.

- Have you got anything? - Nothing.

Bloody chips, Daily Mail,bin stuff.

Nothing, Malcolm, just bin stuff.

BNP, Mark.

She's standing for the British National Party. Stamford Bridge.

- For fuck's sake! - Very straightforward.

Basic stuff, Mark. Do your research.

Standing for the British National Party.

All right, what do you want, Malcolm?

Two little bits of tit. Two titties.

(Mobile ringing)

Jesus...Christ!

Will it hit the One? No, I know what time it is. I can see what time it is!

Make sure they don't get it.

The story is not the story. Sunita has spilled the overspend.

Nobody's got the corruption angle. The BBC might not even run with it.

Try to fuck up the numbers, right?

Hit the phones. Everyone on the phones. What we do is over-complicate.

Stats, percentages, international comparison, information.

E-mail them fucking wads of information.

Tell them to get their heads around it before they put pen to paper,

or I'll be up their arses like a fucking Biafran ferret, right?

Come on, unleash hell!

So I give her the sign and we end up staying for lunch. How does that happen?

- I don't know. - One less rubber chicken in the wild.

I'll get you out of here as soon as we can.

What is the wait now?

- You don't know? - No.

Well, as soon as she did the whole lunch thing

she gave the driver an hour and 20 minutes off.

- Fucking hell! - He's gone AWOL.

Oh, for fuck's sake! Is she looking for him?

Yep, looking for him.

Oh, fuck! Ron?

Start bumping up that Hugh Abbot story.

Find out if you can get it bumped up to number one spot.

Let him take the heat.

Come on, let's go!

Hey, do you think you're fucking immune?

Get plugging! Can you handle that, fuckwit?

- Can you fucking handle it? - Yes, I can handle it.

(Mobile ringing)

- Don't even think about it. - Emma, not now.

Your fucking girlfriend! Are you off your head?

- You said... - Aw, don't give me any fucking static.

Just ring her back now. You need to meet her for coffee as soon as.

Sometimes I... You know, when you meet the real, the actual people,

don't you... you look at the little, beady eyes

and mean mouths full of sneering, and...

I mean, I know this is what they think people like me think,

so I hate thinking it, but I find myself thinking

they're from a different fucking species.

You know, with their T-shirts and weird trousers and tabards.

Why do they wear clothes with writing on? Why are they so fucking fat?

- I know. And stupid. - God, I hate this place.

Olly, it's Glenn. I've got Hugh for you.

Olly? Yeah, hi. So, is Malcolm doing his witchcraft?

Did he send his flying monkeys in?

Where's the fucking fax from the Standard?

Erm... Not... Not... Not exactly, Hugh.

(Shouting drowns Olly's reply)

This other story. He's not going to stitch me up on this, is he?

(Olly) Everything... It's incredibly busy in here right now.

I just need you to keep me out of the firing line, Olly.

Slightly difficult, because I'm only one pawn in this, you know.

- A pawn can't take a queen, can it? - Yes, it can.

Technically, yes, of course it can.

But you know, a queen is a lot bigger than a pawn.

But if you get a pawn over to the other side of the board,

it can become a queen.

Or a bishop.

Or a senior adviser, you understand.

Yes, yes, I understand.

I really need you to keep me out of the firing line, get the heat off me.

- Please, please, please, help me. - (Malcolm shouting)

- I'm...I'm on it. - That's not it!

That's not the line he came up with.

Your son knew it was a difficult position,

- but he didn't want to lose the money. - He didn't lie, though.

You can just write your resignation letter.

- OK, OK, OK. - If you ask people to believe...

- What were you doing? - I was having a fag.

Olly, we need you to fuck Hugh for us.

- OK? - OK.

I need you to go over to Mark Davies at ITN, right?

They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to top of the bill with the piss woman.

Can you sort that out for me? Good lad. OK, see you later.

Oh, nice. Very nice.

Well, go, for fuck's sake, you fucking prick!

I'll cut your fucking ears off. We need it done.

When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot.

Erm...

I'm from Number Ten...Downing Street.

And we want you to take this MOD story that you're planning on running first,

right down in your schedules and bring the Hugh Abbot story right up.

- Erm... - Are you one of Malcolm's bumboys?

Erm...yeah. Well, we work together.

Look, it's ROMFP, OK?

- This story... - What the fuck is ROMFP?

It's a Number Ten word.

- We need you to take this down... - Or what?

Or the public service...erm...

...news values of your corporation are seriously skewed and...and...

the public service aspect of that will be very badly served.

And... What can we get you? How can...

I've got your man there, looking like a prat.

And his adviser, pretty much telling a member of the public to fuck off.

Although if that's going to run, I need a picture of the adviser.

Fuck's sake!

- Oliver Reeder. - Have you sorted it, Olly?

It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm.

Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that?

- No, no. - You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon.

No, I'm fine.

Make me happy. Bring me sunshine.

Right, I'll make you happy, Malcolm.

(Whispering) Dickwad!

(Mobile ringing)

Oliver Reeder.

(Jamie) Hey, shagbag, you done it yet?

I'm in the middle of doing it.

Fucking hurry up! Get off the fucking phone!

Fuck's sake!

(Mobile ringing)

I'm fucking doing it! I'm just...

Sorry, Emma. Yeah, hi.

I'm stuck in a meeting about equal pay. It's just... It's gone over.

But, hey, you know, tonight. Are we still on?

Yeah. Yeah, Solarishere we come. Bye.

Right, I demand...

Fuck off, give me the picture.

It's been done. We've had words upstairs.

- That's him on the left. - Can you get that off the phone?

- Yeah, we can do that, can't we? - All right.

- Have you, though? - What?

Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss?

No, I never knew my mother, Hugh.

Sorry. Have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss?

No, I never cleaned her piss. It wasn't that kind of relationship.

No, nor me. Though I have to say,

I've done Alicia's piss and Charlie's piss.

I mean, you know, loads of it.

But, you know, it's only piss.

It's... Yeah, thanks.

She was going on as if it was some sort of toxic waste.

But what's a bit of piss?

- I could stay for... - No, don't, just go home.

Where do you think we'll come in the running order?

All right, folks, here we go.

- Tonight, dramatic pictures... - (Cheering)

..of voter anger over the NHS.

Anything other than number one spot is a win.

..spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.

(Glenn) Can you shut up for one(bleep) minute?

Oh, oh, oh, he is so fucked!

Hey, good photo.

Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone.

(Hugh) What fantastic landscaping.

(Howls of laughter)

Who do you think looked worse, you or me?

Well, I mean, I looked bad, but you said bad.

I suppose on balance, honestly, you, really.

Great.

(Mobile ringing)

Oh, go away!

I don't know if I'm going to survive this, Hugh.

They're going to be all over me like shingles.

(Mobile phones ringing)

They are all over me like shingles!

- It'll be OK. - Do you think?

Yeah, it'll probably be fine.

So we had the whole front of the train...

(Mobile ringing)

Are you not going to get that?

No. I've been on that all day. Microwaves.

I've got a tumour coming on.

I think I've got a touch of the brain tumours, as well.

Not much of a fucking soldier, is he?

He's a lover, not a fighter.

Olly, hi, it's Hugh. I just wanted to say thank you very, very much.

The way you shifted the spotlight onto Glenn was quite Tuckeresque,

really very Malciavellian, if you know what I mean.

Well done, and bye-bye.

(Piss woman) Hello, Olly. Just seen myself on the news.

Let's get something done now.

I'll be phoning you every day until we do sort out my mother and her problem.

Thank you.