All language subtitles for The President Show s01ex1 A Nation in Pieces

Hello? Sir?

Who's that?

Don't hurt me. I'm just a little boy.

No, sir, it's just me. It's just me.
Mike?

I thought you were a ghost.

Oh, thank you very much, sir. What are
you doing awake? The show ended hours

ago. You should be tucked into bed,
dreams screaming and sweating through

mattress pad.

I have tweeter's block, Mike. I've been
sitting here trying to think up some

classic burns, but I'm just... Out of
ideas.

Well, you know what might help?

Cheesecake? Already thought of that.

No, sir. I was going to suggest we
revisit some of the best moments from

President Show.

I know. Why don't we revisit some of the
best moments from The President Show?

That's a great idea, sir. Let's start
with some of your press conferences.

That's perfect. I hate the stupid
crooked media.

They're my favorites.

Welcome to The President Show.

I'm the president, and I'm also the
show.

Can you comment on the timing of your
decision to fire James Comey? I don't

know. The timing? During Judge Judy.

I don't see color. I can't. Because on
Monday, I stared directly into the sun.

Sir, the House is talking impeachment.

Houses don't talk, you dummy.

I have a new chief of staff, General
John Kelly, a very tough guy, and I

the general. He gets me the best car
insurance rates online, which, as we all

know, saves some time.

It's an illegal storm.

They're sending their worst winds, their
hardest rains.

There's some bad storm breeze.

Why does your immigration plan play so
much importance on the ability to speak

English? If you want to live here, you
need to talk English very good.

As a president who English great, me
know job good is important for job do.

Russia stabs me in the back. My allies
betray me.

Spicer banning Kushner rights.

No one understands my struggle.

I'm the president.

Can you believe it? Can you believe it?
Can you believe it? Can you relief it?

Can you confify it? I cannot believe it.
Let's roll!

You know, Mike, we really have a lot of
fun here on the President's Show. Oh, of

course, sir. It has been the honor and
privilege of my life. Put a sock in it,

you buttermilk -soaked tampon! Whatever
you say, boss.

You're one of the great suck -ups, Mike.
Oh.

I mean that sincerely.

And you're a heck of a sidekick.

Me now is the kid who always reminds the
teacher she forgot to give us homework.

He's America's answer to white rice with
no salt. He's a wet marshmallow coughed

up by a dog. Dried Elmer's glue in the
shape of a man. My friend.

Oh, thank you. Well,

thank you, sir. What an exciting first
hundred days, right, Mike?

Oh, absolutely, sir. You have really put
some cinnamon on the oatmeal.

Thanks. Thanks, Mike. You're welcome.

Sir, is that what I think it is? Yes,
it's the pile of silk neckties that I

from Moscow. Now, quick, we've got to
throw something over them. Oh, no.

You mean you want me to help you cover
up your Russian ties?

Yeah, Mike.

Yes.

You've got to help me cover up my
Russian ties.

I have a nanny cam, Mike.

Roll it, Dre.

Woo! I'll see you in hell!

Yes, come on! I'm the president!

Whoa!

Bring it! Bring it! Bring it! Mikey P
could get used to this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was fun.

But back to me.

I still can't think of a good tweet.

I mean, what do I do, Mike?

Well, sir, let's think. What makes you
happy?

Oh, I don't know, Rose.

The smell of tiki torches. A soft...
Padded toilet seat, retweeting violent

memes. Yeah. What about the great death
pieces we've had on the show? Those have

been very fun.

Maybe. It's time for Executive Orders.
I've said such nice things about Kim

-un, Roger Hugo Duterte, and something,
something, Edgerton from Turkey.

So, Executive Order, Dictator Sleepover.

Not nice.

Nice.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

Me. Clam chowder. Not nice.

History. John McCain.

Corn chowder.

It's fake chowder. Fake chowder.

You're taking jobs away from hardworking
clams.

This American cornage ends now.

I hate that stupid Coleman. He ruins
everything.

I'm sorry, sir.

I'm unseemly?

Rush Limbaugh is a trash bag full of
toxic medical waste that's been sitting

in the sun all week. And he's my friend.

It's me, the only f***able guy in the
White House.

You took one look at the Civil War and
you said, not on my watch.

Listen to me. I had nothing to do with
the Civil War.

No, no, no, no, no.

Let me say this. And when I say that,
what I mean is, I'm going to say

something. The whole thing with
Obamacare was that a black guy told us

and we did not like that.

And then you said he was born in Kenya,
but you knew.

No, no.

You knew he wasn't born in Kenya. No, I
did not.

Quick. Oh, no.

Hi, General Kelly.

I feel crazy.

Sir, you are not crazy.

Wrong.

It's me, me, me, me. This is horrible.

Me, me, me, me.

No, no, no.

Me.

Me! Me!

I am not compromised!

Me! Me! Me!

Me! Oh, damn it! God damn it! Oh, God!

Don't do it! Don't, don't, don't! No,
no!

Me! Me! Me! Me, me!

Cool. Thanks, Mike.

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Truck man!

Truck man!

Mike,

I've got it. I'm unblocked. Oh.

Good, sir. You remembered what you
wanted to tweet.

No, I'm going to hit the can.

We'll be right back.

Ooh, I got to go, Mike.

No, no, if you go number two, you have
to do it in the Rose Garden.

Mike!

You want to take a picture with me?

A total?

Let's just do it and then be done, okay?

What a wonderful little girl. I am a
disgrace to the world.

I am a disgrace.

I spent that whole commercial break on
the toilet, and I didn't even think of

anything to tweet.

Well, what about a change of scenery,
sir? Only good things happen when you

leave the White House and interact with
the public. The public?

Ew! We want to make sure that school is
good for you. We think you guys can go

without lunch. You don't need lunch.

You know you don't need lunch.

So you're going to face, heart to heart,
belly button to belly button. Okay.

You speak any English?

We're going to nuke you guys.

OK, good.

Paul, Paul, it's an incline. I can't go
down.

Now, the best thing about

Wendy's is it's square.

Isn't it better to hire a bunch of
people and you don't pay them?

And then when they sue you, you
negotiate down the road.

No, that's not what a good boss should
do. We don't do that. We don't do that.

That's what I've done for years. That's
not a good boss. See, if you did that in

our life, you won't last.

No. You'd be gone.

Gone.

I felt like a regular schnook.
Nevertheless, I persisted.

Boy, Gloria.

Don't do this to me. You are so
disgusting. Thank you.

We're going to destroy everybody. We're
going to kill everybody. Don't worry.

We're going to kill everyone. We'll kill
everyone's families.

Get some Burger King.

That's when everyone, that's when mama's
not home to watch you.

What am I?

What am I? I'm my dad at his meetings.

Mr. President. Right. Are you going to
embarrass the United States by not

knowing how to handle these things? No,
I'm going to embarrass the United States

by sidling up to neo -Nazis.

So after my dad made a ton more money
evicting minorities from their

which was always a thrill, we moved from
the hole I lived in to this piss hole

over here.

I don't want to go. I know, but it's
time to go. I don't want to go. It's

to go. I don't want to go. Sarah, it's
time to go. I don't want to go.

We had a lot of fun.

We had a lot of fun.

Remember my birthday gift? Lick it up,
my friend.

Lick it up.

I'm gonna throw up.

I'm gonna throw up.

No, I'm not.

the truck did you guys see the truck
goes hong kong did you see that did you

it unbelievable it's so crazy and you
see how it moved big trucks big wheel

the big wheels go around and then when
you pull on the horn the horn goes crazy

and the truck's so unbelievable because
it's a tremendous truck i wish we had a

bigger truck wouldn't it be great if a
big truck came like a big truck big 18

-wheeler truck and they're all down And
then a guy showed up and he was a macho

guy. And he says to me, you drive the
truck. And then I get to drive the truck

and I get to go all the way down and I
drive it right into the river.

And then I drown on the river and I feel
the water seeping over me.

And then the air leaves my lungs.

And in the moment where my body starts
to react and wants air, I let go.

And when I let go, the water fills my
lungs.

And I'm finally at peace.

And only then do I find the complete and
absolute solitude

that I've wanted.

Anyway, I want to go home, Bridget. I'm
tired.

Mike, I have to say, I don't remember
any of that.

We'll be right back.

Wow.

Sir, no.

Oh, Mike, this is hopeless.

I can't think of anything to tweet, and
I've run out of things to eat. Now I

have tweeters blocked and eaters
blocked. Well, sir, what if you tweet at

someone? We've had lots of great guests
on the show.

Please welcome Keith Olbermann. Matt
Walsh. Linda Sarsour.

Please welcome DeRay McKesson.

Joy Bayard.

So how can I start an improv theater?
Because, you know, people say I'm an

improv president.

You have to be playful and
collaborative. None of this is anything

personality. I want to sit here and be
alone.

What are some of the rules of improv?

I just told you what improv is.

I literally just broke it down for you,
Mr. President. I hope you know I'm

always meditating because I'm always
going like this. You have the classic

mudras of self -loathing. Of course I
do.

That's tremendous. Isn't that
tremendous?

Now, I was sitting with you on the View
election night special when the results

were coming in. What was going through
your mind when I was winning?

I was drinking. I was drinking.

I was becoming an alcoholic as the
returns were coming in. You're

No, no.

No. Don't you think that there is a love
-hate relationship between the

mainstream media and the Donald Trump
administration in a way that actually

enhances my presidency?

It's a symbiotic relationship, yes.

Unbelievable. I don't go that way, by
the way. But let me tell you this.

What is our revolution?

Because I want nothing to do with it.

But we want nothing to do with you
either, Mr.

President. Wow.

So how do I get America to consent to
me?

I don't think America is ever going to
get used to you. You see in the

resistance that's popped up. You see in
the people in the streets at all the

demonstrations.

It's actually really a great sort of
immune system response.

The immune system response of the nation
to the infection that is your

administration and your presidency.

All right, all right, all right. What is
the greatest misunderstanding about the

black experience?

The biggest misunderstanding is that
this system was designed to disadvantage

people. So when we think about
redlining, when we think about so many

forms of discrimination, the police, you
know, there are 19 cities in the

country where you're more likely to be
killed by a police officer than by a

private citizen.

That is wild.

That's wild. But let me guess. Is that
true equally for white people as well as

African -Americans? No, it's
disproportionately tilted towards people

White people?

Towards people of color.

Wow.

Wait a minute.

Yeah, so... You know, some people say
that you have maybe an onset of

Is that true? Because I saw it just
there. The onset?

Yeah. No, it's full -blown.

Full -blown.

Full -blown.

I mean, just the other day, you accused
Qatar of being a terrorist nation, and

then... And then the next day, you sold
them $12 billion in weapons. I love

Qatar. I know!

I hate them, then I love them. I mean,
just the other day, you said, like,

is in war with us, and then you went to
Saudi Arabia, and you took their money.

Yeah. Amazing. Exactly. How do you do
it? I'll tell you, by having absolutely

moral center whatsoever.

It's really great. It's just amazing.

Now, you have a new goal, which is a
lose -proof election strategy for 2018.

Can you tell me what it is so I can co
-opt it?

I'm not going to give you all the
details, Donald, because then you're

share it with your little Republican
friends.

But basically, we're all taking
ourselves to the polls and we're going

out those who want to take our health
insurance away, who want to take our

reproductive rights away, who want to
take away the rights of Muslims to

freely. We're just going to take out the
bad guys, you know, drain the swamp.

If I really was a true showman.

what I would do is fire everyone in my
cabinet and like a wrestling heel, flip

and become a good guy. Join with the
Democratic Party, actually advocate for

Black Lives Matter and other
organizations, and basically flip the

everybody. And then everyone would
finally love me, which is all I really

That'd be good.

Wow. I'd shake my own hand if I could.

Donald Trump, everybody.

We'll be right back.

Oh, sir, no.

Have some discipline, sir.

No, please.

Let me just get under there like this.

Well, sir, I see re -watching these
clips has relieved you of your tweeter's

block. What the hell are you talking
about? I've been tweeting the whole

You have?

So why are we doing this? I don't know.

Take a look.

America first is a powerful phrase with
a tremendous legacy.

It was coined by Woodrow Wilson, our
first volleyball president.

Then used by the KKK and Sky Nazi
Charles Lindbergh.

And like me, they were all hiding
something from you in plain sight.

I am Newt. Spine of Ryan.

Balls of Romney.

Also balls of Cruz.

Balls of Rubio.

Balls of Christie.

So many balls.

And now the country is along for the
ride.

Hanging on my every typo.

Looking for meaning where there is none.

Drink the covfefe, everyone.

I'm just one sad old man in way over his
head.

You can fire Flynn. You can fire Yates.
You can fire Comey. But you can never

fire Mommy.

No!

Dad! You're the disease!

No. No. No!

Look!

He's trying to do it! He's really trying
to do it!

My chaos is your new reality. And chaos
makes for

damn good TV.

The de -evolution will be televised.

Bye -bye.