All language subtitles for The President Show s01e20 Joseph Cirincione

Previously on The President Show.

You never trust the FBI. Never trust
them. Never trust them. That's a first

rule. If the FBI finds my Russian ties,
they'll start asking about Ivanka's

shell companies.

That is an impeachable offense.

Defends its days.

Gathering evidence.

This Mueller man.

If the House votes in favor of those
articles, you will be tried in the

for high crimes and misdemeanors. I am
not caught!

You know how this is going to end.

A truck.

Wouldn't it be great if a big truck
came?

And then a guy showed up. And he was a
macho guy.

And he says to me, you drive the truck.
And I drive it right into the river.

And when I let go, the water fills my
lungs.

And I'm finally at peace.

Ladies and gentlemen, the 45th and final
president of the United States.

You want to dance?

Let's dance.

Are you concerned that Robert Mueller
might look into your taxes?

Let him look at my taxes. He can look at
whatever he wants, as long as he

doesn't look at my taxes.

If there's an indictment filed against
you, will you resign?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Right after I tell Don Jr.

that I love him.

when you told the New York Times you're
actually not angry at anybody. I'm not

angry at anybody.

I'm furious with everybody.

And that's why I'm renaming the tax bill
the kill, kill, kill bill.

Didn't you want to call it the cut, cut,
cut act?

Come on.

Is that a butter knife?

No, it's a reporter knife.

This is out of hand.

Everyone's out to get me.

And that's why tonight's theme is
escape.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Mr.

President, what is happening?

Whoa! A truck!

A truck!

Where are you going? Where are you
going, Mr. President?

Well, boy, that's got to be what I think
it is.

Where's this guy?

Wow! Yeah!

So great. So cool.

Hey, fella!

What a macho guy!

You want to drive this bad boy? I want
to drive this truck!

Have fun.

Wow, I got it. Get in there. Yeah.

Come on, you can do it.

Whoa, yeah. You're a hefty fella.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, Donnie, give us a hug.

Hug.

You're free now, Donnie.

Go. Bye -bye, Macho Guy.

Let's go.

Goodbye. You're free.

Yes.

Breaker, breaker, there's a smokey on
the way.

He's a tough guy and he's finally free.

Yeah, here we go.

Mr. President.

Mr. President. Mr. President. Mr.
President. Mr. President. Mr.

President. Are you all right? Oh, yeah.

I'm the president.

Can you indict it?

Let's roll.

Welcome to the show.

Later, I'll be talking to nuclear
weapons expert and president of the

Fund, Joe Cirincione.

But now, he's the man who buys mild
salsa then waters it down. It's Mike

Thank you, sir.

Thank you, sir, so much. You know, I
can't believe, sir, that it's already

season finale. That's right, Mike.

But I have a very special announcement.

Executive order. We will be having our
very first annual Christmas special on

November 30th. It's called, I Came Up
With Christmas.

A President's Show Christmas.

Well, sir, you didn't actually come up
with Christmas. It marks the birth of

our... I did it, Mike.

I came up with Christmas.

Right, I forgot, sir. You're perfect and
you never do anything wrong. That's

right. Yes.

People are trying to blame me for tons
of stuff, but none of it is my fault.

I'm going to prove it in a desk piece I
like to call six degrees.

This is the first time I've ever been
excited about a six.

Let's begin.

Tremendous idiot George Papadopoulos
pled guilty to lying to the FBI about

communicating with Russia during my
campaign.

Then my former advisor, Michael Caputo,
went on CNN to explain that this

poopaloopa -doop character was just a
coffee boy.

Coffee makes you wake up. And it also
makes you go -go.

Wake me up before you go -go is a song
by Wham! Excellent band.

So many tank tops. They sold over 30
million records. And who deleted 30 ,000

emails? Hillary Clinton.

Look at that.

George Snuffleupagus didn't lie to the
FBI. It was Hillary Clinton.

Wow, sir.

I gotta say, mind blown.

Well, un -blow yourself, Mike, because
here's another.

In a congressional hearing about
Russians buying political ads, Senator

Franken asked Facebook why didn't they
connect the dots.

Dot was the name of a little girl in
Animaniacs, which was produced by Steven

Spielberg, who also made Minority
Report.

And throughout my campaign, I promised
to report minorities.

And when I was sworn in at my hugely
attended inauguration, they made me

Bible. And you know who loves Bibles? My
pets!

What? No, no, sir, no, no, no. I have
nothing to do with Russia. No, joy, joy,

Mike. I'm not finished.

A Bible is a book.

And you know who else wrote a book?

President Hillary Clinton.

Okay, that's good, sir, but she's not
president, and you can't blame her for

everything. Yes, I can.

Hillary's not to get me. Isn't that
right, audience?

Whoa. So many Hillary's. Mike, did you
see that?

What? No, you're underwater.

I'm pretty sure I'm on land, sir.

Why did you say I'm underwater?

Are you okay?

I don't know, Mike.

Something's happening.

I'm so confused.

Easy there, big guy.

Now, it seems to me like you need a
break.

Boy, do I.

And a clutch.

Whoa!

Thanks, Daddy.

We'll be right back.

Tonight, this nuclear weapons expert and
advocate for nuclear arms reduction,

please welcome Joe Cirincione.

Joe. Thank you.

Good guy, good guy, good guy.

That's the hand that's going to push the
button. Yeah, yeah.

Now you're the president of the
Plowshares Fund. Can you explain what

Well, it's more like swords into
plowshares. That's what we do. We're a

foundation. We raise money from generous
people, and we find the best people

with the smartest ideas on how to get
rid of nuclear weapons and stop their

spread. Whoa.

No way.

Yeah, way. So if you either have money
or need money, give me a call.

Okay. Oh, wait. If I need money, I'll
definitely give you a call.

Now, as president, I have the power to
launch nuclear weapons.

And I can launch that arsenal at any
time, for any reason, and nobody can

me. See, people don't believe me when I
tell them this. You have the sole

authority to launch nuclear weapons at
your command.

You're the only one who can call that
officer over who follows you 24 hours a

day, seven days a week, has to be within
one minute of you at all times. He

carries a nuclear football.

You're the only one who can order him to
open it up. All you have to do is place

a phone call, pick an option.

and make the order, and four minutes
after you give the order, the missiles

flying. I love it. I love it. A number
three with a Coke.

You know what I mean?

You can fire one weapon. You can fire
ten weapons. You can fire all 1 ,000

warheads and literally destroy
everything humanity has ever created

millennia in about 30 minutes. That's
true demo, I got to say.

That's real demo.

Now, isn't it true that Congress has a
bill?

That's passing through. They just made a
bill that says I can't fire nuclear

weapons. They're going to take my toys
away from me.

People are very worried. Everybody knows
that you like to touch things. That's

right. And they don't want you to touch
the nuclear button. So they have started

to introduce legislation to try to stop
you from launching a nuclear weapon

first to require that Congress and
Congress alone has that authority. No

What a bunch of jerks.

That's not happening. I'm the one who
has the control.

Now, I've been saying that the Iran deal
is the worst. Why won't anyone agree

with me? Because it's actually one of
the best deals. It's the strongest

nonproliferation agreement I've ever
seen. It took Iran's nuclear program, it

rolled it back, cut it to a fraction of
its size, and put it in an iron box with

a camera on it.

They can't do anything to make a serious
step towards a nuclear weapon, and it

lasts for at least 15 years and forever
if we do our job right. So that's why

the only thing wrong with that deal is
that President Obama negotiated it.

That's right. That guy, I'm undoing
everything he did.

Now, don't nuclear weapons actually
promote peace?

Now, I've seen Superman IV, The Quest
for Peace.

where Christopher Reeves took all of the
nuclear weapons, put them in a bag, and

threw them into the sun.

Why can't we just do that?

Nuclear weapons do have a deterrent
effect. It's right. They do give people

pause before they go to war. But if
everybody has nuclear weapons, then

country, large and small, stable and
unstable, will have the ability to

the world into a nuclear holocaust. That
is something that presidents from Harry

S. Truman, until you, have tried to
prevent.

Yeah, no, I'm totally down with it.

Would you say that our planet will be
damaged forever if we nuke North Korea?

Mr. President, I'm not a nukes expert.
Could we stay on topic?

Wait, Keith?

What are you doing here?

You were on my first episode.

Wait, is this my first show again? I
thought this was my big finale.

It's both your first episode and your
finale because I, Keith Olbermann, exist

across all times and dimensions.

I am on a tour of the multiverse to
promote my book.

It's called Trump is Crazy.

This is not a joke.

I'm not crazy. It is a joke by Keith
Olbermann.

This is serious. I'm trying to warn the
American people, sir.

Fake news.

Shut up, Keith.

Mr. President, my name is not Keith.

Joe, this is a great conversation.

And when I do launch those nukes, I'm
going to totally forget that we talked.

Joe Cirincione, everybody!

We'll be right back.

Welcome back.

is losers and lasers.

Well, sir, there's Sessions. We have
Kushner, Flynn. There's Flynn Jr. Mike,

what are you doing? Oh, I'm reading off
a list of people who could get sucked

into the Mueller investigation.

Tillerson. Make it stop!

Make it stop! We have Sam Kloven.

Whoa!

Oh, boy, oh, boy, it's Tank!

Thank God you're here.

Say hi to Tank, everybody!

Whenever life gets too tough, Tank takes
me to the land of fake -believe, a

magical, perfect place with fantastic
friends who help me make sense of the

world.

Whoa.

What happened to this place?

Look at that guy.

Breaking news, breaking news.

Trump is breaking down.

It's Jeff Schmucker, the mainstream
media owl.

What happened here, Jeff?

All of your spitting out caused a
massive storm that destroyed fake

No. Ow.

Scapegoat, no!

Whose fault is this?

Hillary's? No. I blame you.

Me? That can't be right.

Whenever anything's my fault, you're
supposed to blame someone else. I know,

you're messing up so big and so often,
it's too much even for me.

My powers of accusation are drifting
away.

Oh, hurry. The only way to survive is to
retreat further into your mind.

How?

Deep into the light.

Yes, go do it. It'll be great for
ratings.

Okay, but if this goes wrong, this is
your fault.

Whoa.

You are so disgusting.

Shame on you. You can't do it. You are
not special.

Giving grace to the world.

God, are you there?

It's me, Margaret.

Whoa! Who the hell are you?

And what did you do with Margaret?

There is no Margaret, dumbass.

I'm you.

I'm a being that your subconscious
created to talk to your conscience.

What? I'm your psyche.

Or at least the part that hasn't given
up on you yet. Psych!

That's a hilarious way to say, I'm
kidding.

Not. No, dummy.

Psyche. It's brain.

I'm pretty much your last shred of self
-awareness. And I am very, very

disappointed in you. Which means I'm
disappointed in me.

Which is incredibly disappointing.

Cool, man.

That's cool.

In that case, my name's Mike Pence, and
I'm one bad hombre. So whatever you do,

make sure you punish him. I mean, me.

That's Mike Pence.

M -Y -C -P -E -N -C.

You're winking into an empty void.

You're an empty void.

Yeah, that's exactly my point. Hey, it's
me.

So handsome.

You're an idiot.

And you're a cruel, unprepared, ignorant
liar.

But people love that I'm a cruel,
unprepared, ignorant liar.

But those people are bullies, fear
mongers, xenophobes, racists, and

Congrats. What a crowd.

All I heard was sex and congrats.

My point is that the worst people love
you. Doesn't that tell you anything? It

tells me that somebody loves me.

And that feels nice.

It shouldn't. I've got news for you,
pal.

You are not special.

You are pathetic.

You have intentionally ridden to power
on a wave of the darkest horses in

American culture because you know you
can't stand on your own intellect or

ideas. You're a racist bag of moldy
biscuit dough.

This isn't fun.

I'm bored.

You don't get to be bored.

You don't get to be petty.

You don't get to frighten our children
with nuclear holocaust just so you can

look tough.

You're a threat to humanity.

You're a disgrace to the world.

Shut up. Get him out of here. Get him
out of here. Oh, that's a great idea.

you out of here.

You are mentally unstable and mentally
unfit to be president, and you...

should be removed from office.

Nuh -uh.

Let me try this again.

I am mentally unstable and unfit to be
president and should be removed from

office.

I'm bored again.

That's it. I'm done.

I'm going to go live in the part of your
mind that's just a video of two

kangaroos boxing.

Okay. Bye -bye, brain guy.

Will I remember any of this?

No.

You never do.

Wait. Which one of us is Margaret?

Neither. Unfortunately, we're both
Donald.

Donald.

Donald.

Donald.

Donald.

Donald. Donald Jr., Eric, Ivanka, and
you.

Wow, sir, I can't believe you let me go
on that long. That was like 45 minutes.

What? Huh?

What's happening?

I really need some air, Mike.

We'll be right back.

What an amazing show we've had, in my
mind.

Take a good look at this office.

People have honored it for generations.

And it only took me 10 months to ruin
it.

We're still underwater, folks.

Oh, it might not look that different
yet, but the destruction I'm causing

deep.

There's an old saying Republicans love.

A rising tide lifts all boats.

But that only works if you have a
captain who gives a shit.

I've got other houses to live in, but
this one belongs to you, to all

of you.

And it doesn't matter whose side you're
on.

As the levels of corruption, cynicism,
and hate continue to rise, everyone will

continue to sink.

I'm one sad old man in over his head,
dragging you all

under with me.

And there's no escape.

Bye -bye.