All language subtitles for The President Show s01e16 Frank Rich

Ladies and gentlemen, the 45th and final
president of the United States.

Thank you.

First, I want to comment on the passing
of one of my own personal heroes,

Playboy founder Hugh Hefner. That guy
was my kind of feminist. A man who loved

boobs so much.

I'll see you in pervert heaven, which is
regular people hell.

Can you tell us any more details about
your tax plan? My tax plan is to never

pay taxes.

Oh, you mean the government one.

No, I'm not going to read that.

Why can't your party pass a health care
bill?

Because football players national anthem
kneeling.

Where's the outrage?

You didn't answer the question. Excuse
me.

Pointing out that I didn't answer the
question is disrespectful to our flag.

I mean, look at her.

Isn't she beautiful?

Somebody's star.

If she wasn't my flag, I'd be dating
her.

And that's why tonight's theme is flag.

Isn't it hypocritical for Jared and
Ivanka to use personal email for

business when you criticize Hillary
Clinton?

Oh, say can you see by the lawn's

pearly white.

Are you singing the national anthem to
avoid answering the question? What so

loudly we wail and the ramparts,

ramparting.

Quiet, honey. If words mattered, I
wouldn't be president right now.

And the rocket's red bears are proof

in the night that the bad...

Can you at least tell us why it took you
so long to send help to Puerto Rico?

You can't ask me about another country
when I'm singing the American anthem.

Puerto Ricans are American citizens.
Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

journalist Frank Rich.

But first, he's a wad of dried -up gum
stuck to the bottom of a pizzeria table.

Mike Pence! Oh, thank you, sir.

That's a more vicious burn than usual,
sir. Are you still upset that Roy Moore

won the Senate primary in Alabama?

He's an evangelical Christian weirdo,
Mike.

Well, sir, not all evangelicals are
weird. Some of them are pretty cool.

Okay, well...

This guy's not.

He wants a statue of the Ten
Commandments in every government

Oh, me too.

And not only that, this nutjob thinks 9
-11 was caused by sodomy. Oh, that

totally explains it. I saw a Muslim
cheering during 9 -11, but no butt

He's a total Jesus freak who wants to
turn the whole country into one big

church. Oh, cheese and crackers.

When does he get to Washington?

Mike!

You got me.

I am pretty out there.

You know, Mike, this was such a busy
week. It was really hard to keep up with

all the things that went wrong.

I mean, things I can't be blamed for.

It's just too much for one desk piece.

That's why it's time for Desk Piece
Roundup.

I feel like a late night segment should
be between one man and one desk piece.

You're such a prude, Mike. I like to
play the field.

Desk piece number one.

Focus. Pocus.

In this desk piece, we focus on the
things I like and we pocus on the things

don't like. You ready, Mike?

Well, never, sir. Okay.

Focus. Puerto Rico.

The island was hit by a devastating
hurricane, and I just learned in the

conference that it's part of the United
States.

So now I'm sending relief ships. Plus,
I'm going there on Tuesday, and I need a

working toilet.

Poker.

Celebrities who showed me up by sending
help to Puerto Rico before I did. J -Lo

gave a million dollars to a disaster.

Who does she think she is, my dad?

Plus... Low -energy Lin -Manuel Miranda
is telling everyone to donate money to a

charity. Big whoop.

Directing people to a website doesn't
make you a hero. It's easy. You can

right here.

See? Now I'm the hero. Take that,
Hamilton.

Well, sir, you just said that it doesn't
make you a hero.

Wow. Big surprise, Mike. I'm
inconsistent.

It's time for Family Recipe Box.

Okay.

In this test piece, I share my old
family recipes for success.

Who's hungry?

Ooh, ooh, me.

Yummy, yummy.

Mike, let's say you want a no -must, no
-fuss way to take America's attention

off police brutality and instead argue
about patriotism. Well, it's easy.

Start off with one angry rally.

Add a dash of military pandering. Then
fold in 140 characters of incendiary

treats. Now that's a spicy etouille
ball.

Next, add a quarter cup of thinly veiled
racism.

Oh, wait. Sorry.

That should be a quart and a cup of
overt racism.

Oh, gosh, sir. Then...

Stir up your base really, really well so
nobody remembers how the whole thing

started. Voila!

Chaos!

Boner appetite.

Wow, that's, uh... That was quite the
recipe, sir.

Thanks. I made a big mess, but hey, I
don't have to clean it up. Great. Well,

uh, is that it, sir? Are we all finished
now? I don't think so.

Which brings me to my even newer recipe.

I don't think so.

This is where I read a story and then I
say, I don't think so.

The court said my travel ban was illegal
because it targeted Muslims.

Well, hey, courts, I don't think so.

Oh, God. I just banned a bunch of new
countries that aren't even Muslim.

Sorry, Venezuela, you're a failing
dictatorship, and I only respect working

dictatorships. I don't think so.

Oh, my gosh. And Chad is one of our most
important Muslim

allies. But tuck titties, Chad. I don't
get along with Muslims or our allies.

So, Chad, I don't think so.

I don't hear anything.

And the whole world is worried my
impulsive tweet will get us into a

with North Korea. And to that I say,
maybe.

Wait, what? I'll tell you later, Mike.

We'll be right back.

No.

Bye. When I came to Washington, I knew
I'd have political enemies, but I had no

idea the things they would do to kick me
out of office.

This week, I went to go confront one of
them. Take a look.

Still ahead on this Monday, Democrats
are ramping up their calls to impeach

President Trump. Let's go.

They're trying to impeach me.

Democratic Congressman Brad Sherman has
filed an article of impeachment.

Sherman, nobody impeaches me.

I think we're going to be hearing the
word impeachment a lot more often.

Wow. Unbelievable.

Sherman! You know Congressman Sherman?

He's a white guy. He's kind of a loser.
Help me.

I don't want to get impeached.

Sheila?

Is Sheila Jackson Lee here?

People want to impeach me. You realize
that?

Why? Probably because you're a racist.

Yeah, but besides that, where is
Sherman?

Sherman?

Sherman!

How's that guy?

Oh, there he is.

Sherman? Where's Sherman? Your
president? Yeah, I don't care.

Hello? Sherman?

You're going to impeach me?

Let me tell you something. I'm going to
impeach you.

I'm going to make you feel like Jeff
Sessions fell into a puddle. You

me? You think you're tough? You're
fired.

Mr. President, you can't fire a member
of Congress.

That's stupid.

Sit down. Let's talk.

Okay.

Mr. President.

Would you get that a yard sale?

No, that probably goes back 100 years
here in the House of Representatives.

Toll?

Junk. Okay.

Well, Mr. President, first, I'd like to
serve these papers on you. Wow, thank

you. Usually you don't do that in
person. It's been referred to the

Committee. And if the whole House votes
in favor of those articles, you will be

tried in the Senate for high crimes and
misdemeanors.

I can fire Meatloaf, but I can't fire
this guy?

Gotta find another way out of this.

I'll make a deal with you. I'm one of
the great deal makers.

So what do you want?

All I want is this letter of
resignation.

How's this? What if I give you a cool
name, like the Bradster?

Sure, man.

Hey, sure, man.

Instead of Sherman.

How about like Brad Lee Whitford?

If we could terminate your presidency.

then I might be known as the
Shermanator.

The Shermanator.

That's a weird nickname to give
yourself.

I might be known as the Shermanator.

Now, the crime in this case is
obstruction of justice.

Fake news.

It's illegal.

No way.

To use threats or intimidation with the
intent to thwart a federal criminal

investigation. Oh, big deal.

Remember back in February?

No. You had dinner with James Comey. Oh,
God, that guy?

You told him to go easy on Flynn. Let it
go.

That's a violation of law that you tried
to curtail that investigation.

How does he know that?

Oh, right, because I totally did it.

In May, you fired James Comey, and then
you said you did it to thwart the Russia

investigations.

Oh, yeah.

That's the thing I said on TV in front
of everybody.

Then you remember in July you were up
there with the New York Times?

No. And you threatened Mueller with
being fired if he looked at your

finances. That's three different
threats.

That's obstruction of justice.

This guy's relentless.

He's like a machine.

Mr.

President, look at the Watergate
example.

Uh -huh.

About a year after the burglary at
Watergate was discovered.

Whoa, wait a minute. There was a cyber
burglary?

No, the cyber burglary happened in 2016.

Wait, cyber burglary? The?

The cyber burglary. It all makes sense
now.

Are you like a time cop?

Are you traveling through time,
impeaching different presidents?

That probably goes back 100 years here
in the House of Representatives.

Brad Sherman.

Time and picture.

A man who runs for office at different
times, working towards taking out

presidents to affect their children.

That's fairly silly.

I'm still working it out.

Mr. President, before you came here, I
was worried about our country.

Now, I'm...

Very, very worried.

There is no fate but what we make for
ourselves.

Which means I have no choice but to send
a super ripped robot version of myself

back to 2017.

It's my only chance of escaping my
impeachment by... The Shermanators.

That was my actual

real body.

We'll be right back.

I'll sell it to you. My guest tonight is
writer at large for New York Magazine

and executive producer of HBO's Veep.
Please welcome Frank Rich.

Thank you. Now, you're an executive
producer on Veep.

Is my presidency even too implausible
for narrative television?

Yes. It's way too implausible. In fact,
every time you do something, we have to

run in the other direction.

You're a farce unlike anything in the
history of entertainment.

Thank you. I love dinner theater.

Is there a danger that liberals are
spending too much time focusing on

I think it's a real story and there's
probably criminality, but the truth is

don't really know what Mueller is
finding. There are these leaks and these

stories in the Times and the Post, but
Mueller doesn't leak, so it could be

worse than we imagined.

I leak.

I love that the media is so desperate to
make me look reasonable and moderate.

You know what I mean? Well, it is kind
of ridiculous.

I mean, you bomb Syria and people say,
tonight you became a president.

I did. Or you deliver a speech from a
teleprompter and don't make too many

mistakes. You're presidential. Suddenly
you're like Roosevelt.

That's right, except I can walk.

I'm sorry.

I don't like presidents who can't walk
the same way.

I don't like people who were captured in
war.

Uh, that's something I said.

Why do liberals glom onto every little
thing to make it seem as if it's the end

for me? You know what I mean? It's like,
I failed to repeal Obamacare. I

overturned, they overturned the travel
ban.

Big Luther's strange.

Gets weird and strange and losing.

You were going to be out after you
insulted the heroism of John McCain.

That's right. I just did it again, too.

Exactly. After imitating and making fun
of a disabled reporter, that was going

to do you in. Yeah, that was fun. The
Billy Bush tape was going to do you in.

Oh, man, that was great. Billy and I had
a lot of fun. You got into a fight with

the Pope.

Yeah. I should have punched that beanie
off his head.

Now, Democrats are united right now
around a common enemy, which is me.

And the media may portray the Democrats
as not having it together, but it's

really the Republicans that are having
all the failures right now. So who's

winning and who's losing? And that's the
only way I understand anything.

Look, I think everyone's losing. The
Republican Party is very divided, but

truth is you've taken it over. I mean, I
happen to believe Mitch McConnell and

Paul Ryan.

You've beaten them. Oh, yeah. You've
beaten them, and you have the power with

minority of the country, but it's the
base of the Republican Party, and you

remain popular among Republicans. The
Democrats are...

in disarray after a loss that no one
anticipated.

But we'll see. There's time for them to
try to get their act together.

No way.

Are you kidding me? Well, they are
Democrats.

They stink.

Just like Veep, there's got to be a
theory finale to this presidency.

You're so smart. So tell me, how does
this all end?

I think it ends with you wanting to
escape.

criminal culpability or at least
possibly wanting your son -in -law to

and you decide you better make a deal
while the getting is good and you have a

huge prime time speech written by Steve
Bannon in which you say you're all the

swamp and I'm going to go outside
Washington and fight the swamp.

From here, from Mar -a -Lago.

From Mar -a -Lago. Isn't it so
beautiful, Mar -a -Lago? Oh, it's so

we already have the plan in effect.

Jared is already registered as a woman
in New York.

It's part of our cover.

Frank Rich, everybody!

That was so great. That was so good.

Get up, man.

That was great. Thank you. That was
great.

What a super show. And I'm a superhero.

Every superhero has an origin story.

I emerged from the ashes of the
Republican Party and injected myself

super serum. The radioactive white
resentment the GOP has been

years. And with great power comes great
hostility.

I possess the strength to shift even the
heaviest blame onto anyone but myself.

The uncanny ability to create nightmares
for people called dreamers. And the

gift to divide the nation with a single
tweet.

All while hiding behind my magic shield.

My weaknesses? I have none.

Except accurate reporting and being
photographed in tennis shorts.

whatever you want. The great white
deflector, the star -spangled scammer,

incredible bulk.

But I prefer the name that strikes fear
into the hearts of almost 70 % of

Americans. Mr.

President.

And with the support of my trusty
sidekick and pale enabler.

Oh, uh, Mike Penn. Jesus, Mike.

Oh, I like that name better. Jesus,
Mike.

With his help, I will continue to fight
truth, justice, and the American

way.

Bye -bye!