Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, the 45th and final president of the United States.

Wow.

Thanks for agreeing to pay for my border wall.

Yeah, the whole thing?

And three burritos for life?

Thanks.

Thanks, the president of Mexico.

Mr. President, Mr. President. What? Mr. President, Robert Mueller has assembled

a grand jury in the Russia probe. Do you have any comment?

Unfair. I'm supposed to be tried by a jury of my peers.

Where are they going to find 12 presidents who are allegedly being

by Putin?

Why does your immigration plan place so much importance on the ability to speak

English? If you want to live here, you need to talk English very good.

As a president who English great, me know job good is important for job do.

Me stand with good American like local milk people.

So true.

So true.

How do you respond to reports that the White House is in chaos?

No, there's no chaos. And that's why tonight's theme is chaos.

You just said there's no chaos. Right. That's why tonight's theme is order.

I have a new chief of staff, General John Kelly, a very tough guy, and I

the general. He gets me the best car insurance rates online, which, as we all

know, saves some time.

Kelly has done such incredible work with deportation. This guy tears families

apart, and I can't wait to see what he'll do to mine.

You want him to tear your family apart?

What? No.

Maybe. I don't know. Some of them?

Our theme is chaos.

I thought it was order. You're out of order.

I'm the president.

Chaos, believe it? Let's roll.

Welcome to the show.

Later, I'll be talking to journalist and author Anna Marie Cox.

But with me now is the kid who always reminds the teachers she forgot to give

homework, Mike Pence.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Thank you so much. And might I say, sir, this place is so much more organized

since General Kelly became your chief of staff.

Oh, yeah, he's great. This guy is larger than life.

Smartest hire I ever made.

Not the second smartest?

Oh, yeah, you're right. Ivanka, thanks for reminding me, Mike.

You know, Mike, I'm so excited for tonight's show because we're getting a

from our old friend. Oh, that's right. Steve Bannon is stopping by.

Here he comes now. Get the door, Mike. Get the door, Mike. I got

it.

Oh, I've done it, stupid door.

Oh,

sorry I'm late.

There's only one cashier at CVS. That's where I buy all my everything.

I'm happy you came, Steve. We've lost a lot of friends around here lately.

Including the only man I ever loved.

Ah, I friggin' love you, Mr. President.

What? What?

What?

Wow!

Wow.

It's me, the only horrible guy in the White House.

You slept in there?

Yes, I did. There's an old Italian expression my mother used to use. You

up, you jagbag. Now get in the couch.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Steven?

Anthony? I heard what you said about me and what I like to do to myself.

Yeah, so what?

So? Thanks.

It's one of the nicest things anyone ever said about me.

Including your mother.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No fighting.

My two lunatic friends are playing like besties and just in time because it's

White House game night.

This is what late night shows do now. All the excitement of playing games at

home with your friends, but you're not playing and we're not your friends.

Tonight, we're playing charades.

Okay. Here are the week's top news stories, okay? Mooch, you're going to go

first, Mr. President. You can sit down there. Awesome. Go get him. All right.

There you go. That's yours. All right.

Okay. Okay. This is frigging hard. All right.

Okay. Okay.

This thing happened last week. No, no, no. What are you doing?

Mooch, you have to act it out. Right. My bad.

Okay, this is me acting out this thing that happened last night.

All right, all right, I got it.

Me.

Dictator.

Don Jr.

I know it. I dictated Don Jr.'s statements about his meetings with the

lawyer. That's right.

Very good.

You know, you said that you didn't, but it turns out that you did. Good job.

A father will do anything to protect his child.

Exactly. That's why I skipped my son's birth.

My turn.

Okay, all right. Butch, you can go ahead and sit down. There you go, Steve.

Okay. Here's your clue. Go ahead and read that.

Okay,

got it.

It's a gavel.

You're a judge. Judge Judy.

Judge Justice.

Justice Department.

Okay.

Eczema.

Psoriasis. Psoriasis.

Quartz herpes.

Monster. You're a monster. Even the Pope hates you.

It was skin.

Pure. White.

Skin.

Unblemished. Well, I rarely say this, but Steve is right. The answer was, your

Justice Department is investigating colleges they think discriminate against

white applicants.

So, that's a real story.

We're finally doing something to atone for America's original sin.

Reverse racism.

Bring it loud.

My turn. My turn. All right. There you go.

Steve, go ahead and sit down. This is a good one. This is a good one.

Oh,

you're taking a dump.

The world.

You're taking a dump on the whole wide world like a boss. I love it.

Oh, I got it. I got it. The rest of the world is.

And we're the only clean one.

There will be a great holy race war.

The knights of the brazen serpent shall cast down the sons of Osiris and

resurrect the exalted Atlantean order to rule for all time as a vinyl pelican

people.

Wrong. Wrong.

No? Well, actually, Steve was right about the pelican people.

But the answer was, I called the White House a real downer. Oh, yeah, that's

right. Look at that door.

Oh, man. I forgot about that. General Kelly is going to be so pissed.

Oh, no. Guys, don't look now. Here he comes.

Oh, my God.

Quick. Oh,

no.

Oh, fuck.

Hi,

General Kelly.

Good grief. I was just having a big strategy meeting about, uh, charades.

No, we don't know where Mooch is or what couch he lives in.

I'd love to help you look, sir, but I have bone spurs.

Works every time.

We'll be right back.

me he wanted to talk about something very serious, I said no.

But if you show me a video, I'll watch.

President

Trump is

facing mounting ethical challenges, but he doesn't really care about that stuff.

So I asked three world renowned ethicists to help me help him.

through these troubling times.

We're here today to talk about ethics.

So what are ethics?

Generally speaking, ethics is really about how should we behave toward other

people. Thank you. So I'm going through the moral and ethical dilemma for the

two of us. The president is very busy. He's traveling often.

He's golfing.

What else is he doing?

A lot of Twitter. A lot of Twitter.

He's tweeting quite a bit.

You know, he makes priorities.

And it's not like ethics aren't on the list at all. They're just more towards

the bottom. It's like when you make a shopping list. You need milk. You need

eggs. You need foreign government money.

You need to hire your relatives. You need travel ban.

And then somewhere down there, ethics.

It's quite a shopping list. Yes.

It might help you going forward as you think about these ethical issues to have

women as well as us. Here's the thing, though. I just feel like gals want to do

gal stuff.

We're all white now.

Well, that's true. It might help to discuss these issues with people of

descent. I love all the colors in the Crayola box.

We really need to talk about the poor.

Now, let me ask you a question.

Lying, is that unethical? Like, almost never is it right to lie. Does the

president know you're here with us having this conversation?

No. Is that an ethical thing?

You can mislead him.

That's a good question. Is it ethical?

to mislead the president for his own good for example no there's no more ice

cream in the freezer or no this is actually the third burrito you've had

though it was only his second that is the way in which we treat children

they're not ethically responsible right so you're being a paternalistic about

with the president that's it can you be a good person who's working

for a bad person, like that movie Devil Wears Prada. That poor girl had to work

for that very demanding boss, but she wasn't a bad person, right? She quit in

the end.

She did?

Yeah. Hold on a second. She stopped working? Yeah, you didn't watch the

movie. No, I realized the woman was the main character, and I stopped watching.

2 ,000 years ago, there was a guy who was an emperor in Rome, a really bad

His name was Nero, and he had an advisor. His name was Seneca.

And Seneca tried to do his best to make better life for the Roman people. He

ended up being invited to commit suicide.

Mr. Vice President, this could be a very dangerous situation. If the president

were mentally unstable, you need to be prepared to step in and save our

Would not it be ethical for you to speed up this process a bit under the 25th

Amendment of the United States Constitution?

So I didn't say that.

I didn't say what he said.

That is something. You said that. So now what is the 25th Amendment?

The Constitution does provide that physical or mental disability. The

of the cabinet and the vice president can remove his powers as president and

confer those powers on you.

Well, shucks, golly, gosh darn. I wouldn't kick the presidency out of bed

eating crackers.

I'm beginning to think that you might be clever as a fox.

Well, I'll say this.

No one ever called me clever, but my wife Karen did once call me a fox.

I just want to be clear.

You're probably a more canny politician, more capable of getting through

disastrous budgets that will hurt the poor and give massive tax breaks to the

rich. and that I'm worried that you're actually going to be better at being

president than Donald Trump, but with the exact same goals.

So what you're saying is that I'm not some corn -fed rube from Indiana, but

actually quite a clever political operator.

Maybe I took this role as vice president knowing that all of this would happen,

and I would be in the exact position that I'm in at the moment.

That doesn't seem like me.

I am a humble, humble man.

I'm just little Mike Pence from Indiana, you know. I'm no one special, but gosh,

shuck, golly, aw, I might just be the 46th president of the United States.

Well, gentlemen, thank you so much.

Next time on The Book of Mike, how to avoid self -reflection.

Oh, huh, Mike?

We'll be right back.

My guest tonight is political columnist and culture critic. She conducts

the talk interviews for New York Times Magazine, and her new podcast is called

With Friends Like These.

Please welcome Anna Marie Cox.

Now, you've always been very active on Twitter, but I hear that you're taking a

whole month off.

Why would you ever do that?

Well, you know, some people might have really good reasons to take some time

Twitter, you know, avoiding an international incident, avoiding the

to get in a pointless feud with a morning show anchor.

I don't have any of those good reasons.

I thought I might focus more on some things. Why do that? Yeah, I know. Why

that when you can tweet the stuff that enters your reptilian brain?

It's so strange. Like, I decided I wanted to try and write stuff that was

than 140 characters and also maybe think about things for longer than 140

seconds. And I know...

And I was getting bad at that, basically.

I ban things. You ban things. I make new laws.

I yell at people.

Mika and Joe, they're on the hit list.

Yeah. Yeah. And, yes, and it is like living in a, you know, dystopian

every single day. It's like, I mean.

You're welcome.

Yeah, I used to watch the sci -fi channel, but now I just.

But then they changed their name from Sci -Fi to that weird Y thing. And it's

like, why did you do that? That doesn't even mean anything.

Now, you're a liberal, and you're married into a family of Republicans. So

incredible.

Mainly for the money, but yeah. Of course. Well, we've got a lot more money

the Democrats.

And you started a podcast where people with opposing political views can have a

dialogue. Why don't you just call them fake family?

You know, they might yet think that about me.

But I actually started it because I realized from the experience of having,

know, numerous uncomfortable Thanksgiving meals. Oh, yeah. Me too.

Yeah. As my daughter.

I bet.

That the arguing with people is actually not a great way to get them to agree

with you.

Shocking. Uh -huh. Yeah.

Listening actually sort of almost works.

Like if you give people respect.

I know I'm talking like a foreign language. Did someone get me an antacid?

If you treat people with respect and dignity and pay attention to their

arguments. Foreign.

I know.

You can actually have some kind of.

communication together where you might find common ground. You mean like when I

wanted to talk to Hillary, I respected her by honestly labeling her as Crooked

Hillary.

No, no, not at all like that. It's a little different.

I'm not sure. Maybe Ivanka could explain.

Let's talk about Jeff Sessions because he's such an idiot.

Now I'm trying to get rid of him and he won't take the hint.

So what do you think I should do? How do I get rid of this guy?

You'll take that office when you pry it from his cold, dead, tiny little hand.

You guys have that in common, actually, right?

Unbelievable.

Yeah,

they're totally average size. Anyway, so Jeff Sessions, I don't see him leaving

anytime soon. Like, this is his dream job. Like, he's been wanting to oppress

black people and women since he was, like, a tiny old person.

He's a Benjamin.

He's the Benjamin Buttons of racism.

That's right.

That's right.

And, you know, if you want to know what the future looks like, he was the

attorney general before in Alabama.

What? That's a state?

Yeah, I know.

Now, before you go, I know you're taking a month off from Twitter, but I don't

want you to miss any of my tweets, so I printed out all of my tweets for August.

There you go.

Anna Marie Cox, everybody!

There you go.

Congratulations.

It's been a great show.

I had a play date with my BFF.

Mike got murky with some ethicists. And I showed Anna Marie Cox why she should

never have me on her podcast.

I know. I know, General.

I'm getting to it.

Mooch, do I really have to go?

Now that our love is so new?

I'm sorry, but Kelly says you gotta for real this time.

At least now I can go see my wife and newborn son.

Nah, I'm not gonna do that.

But there is one more thing before I go.

Isn't all the tying expression?

You know what it is.

I know, baby.

Take him away, General.

I love you, Mr. President. Take him away.

to complete chaos.

Just the way I like it. Bye -bye!