All language subtitles for The President Show s01e13 Ana Marie Cox

Ladies and gentlemen, the 45th and final
president of the United States.

Wow.

Thanks for agreeing to pay for my border
wall.

Yeah, the whole thing?

And three burritos for life?

Thanks.

Thanks, the president of Mexico.

Mr. President, Mr. President. What? Mr.
President, Robert Mueller has assembled

a grand jury in the Russia probe. Do you
have any comment?

Unfair. I'm supposed to be tried by a
jury of my peers.

Where are they going to find 12
presidents who are allegedly being

by Putin?

Why does your immigration plan place so
much importance on the ability to speak

English? If you want to live here, you
need to talk English very good.

As a president who English great, me
know job good is important for job do.

Me stand with good American like local
milk people.

So true.

So true.

How do you respond to reports that the
White House is in chaos?

No, there's no chaos. And that's why
tonight's theme is chaos.

You just said there's no chaos. Right.
That's why tonight's theme is order.

I have a new chief of staff, General
John Kelly, a very tough guy, and I

the general. He gets me the best car
insurance rates online, which, as we all

know, saves some time.

Kelly has done such incredible work with
deportation. This guy tears families

apart, and I can't wait to see what
he'll do to mine.

You want him to tear your family apart?

What? No.

Maybe. I don't know. Some of them?

Our theme is chaos.

I thought it was order. You're out of
order.

I'm the president.

Chaos, believe it? Let's roll.

Welcome to the show.

Later, I'll be talking to journalist and
author Anna Marie Cox.

But with me now is the kid who always
reminds the teachers she forgot to give

homework, Mike Pence.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Thank you so much. And might I say, sir,
this place is so much more organized

since General Kelly became your chief of
staff.

Oh, yeah, he's great. This guy is larger
than life.

Smartest hire I ever made.

Not the second smartest?

Oh, yeah, you're right. Ivanka, thanks
for reminding me, Mike.

You know, Mike, I'm so excited for
tonight's show because we're getting a

from our old friend. Oh, that's right.
Steve Bannon is stopping by.

Here he comes now. Get the door, Mike.
Get the door, Mike. I got

it.

Oh, I've done it, stupid door.

Oh,

sorry I'm late.

There's only one cashier at CVS. That's
where I buy all my everything.

I'm happy you came, Steve. We've lost a
lot of friends around here lately.

Including the only man I ever loved.

Ah, I friggin' love you, Mr. President.

What? What?

What?

Wow!

Wow.

It's me, the only horrible guy in the
White House.

You slept in there?

Yes, I did. There's an old Italian
expression my mother used to use. You

up, you jagbag. Now get in the couch.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Steven?

Anthony? I heard what you said about me
and what I like to do to myself.

Yeah, so what?

So? Thanks.

It's one of the nicest things anyone
ever said about me.

Including your mother.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No fighting.

My two lunatic friends are playing like
besties and just in time because it's

White House game night.

This is what late night shows do now.
All the excitement of playing games at

home with your friends, but you're not
playing and we're not your friends.

Tonight, we're playing charades.

Okay. Here are the week's top news
stories, okay? Mooch, you're going to go

first, Mr. President. You can sit down
there. Awesome. Go get him. All right.

There you go. That's yours. All right.

Okay. Okay. This is frigging hard. All
right.

Okay. Okay.

This thing happened last week. No, no,
no. What are you doing?

Mooch, you have to act it out. Right. My
bad.

Okay, this is me acting out this thing
that happened last night.

All right, all right, I got it.

Me.

Dictator.

Don Jr.

I know it. I dictated Don Jr.'s
statements about his meetings with the

lawyer. That's right.

Very good.

You know, you said that you didn't, but
it turns out that you did. Good job.

A father will do anything to protect his
child.

Exactly. That's why I skipped my son's
birth.

My turn.

Okay, all right. Butch, you can go ahead
and sit down. There you go, Steve.

Okay. Here's your clue. Go ahead and
read that.

Okay,

got it.

It's a gavel.

You're a judge. Judge Judy.

Judge Justice.

Justice Department.

Okay.

Eczema.

Psoriasis. Psoriasis.

Quartz herpes.

Monster. You're a monster. Even the Pope
hates you.

It was skin.

Pure. White.

Skin.

Unblemished. Well, I rarely say this,
but Steve is right. The answer was, your

Justice Department is investigating
colleges they think discriminate against

white applicants.

So, that's a real story.

We're finally doing something to atone
for America's original sin.

Reverse racism.

Bring it loud.

My turn. My turn. All right. There you
go.

Steve, go ahead and sit down. This is a
good one. This is a good one.

Oh,

you're taking a dump.

The world.

You're taking a dump on the whole wide
world like a boss. I love it.

Oh, I got it. I got it. The rest of the
world is.

And we're the only clean one.

There will be a great holy race war.

The knights of the brazen serpent shall
cast down the sons of Osiris and

resurrect the exalted Atlantean order to
rule for all time as a vinyl pelican

people.

Wrong. Wrong.

No? Well, actually, Steve was right
about the pelican people.

But the answer was, I called the White
House a real downer. Oh, yeah, that's

right. Look at that door.

Oh, man. I forgot about that. General
Kelly is going to be so pissed.

Oh, no. Guys, don't look now. Here he
comes.

Oh, my God.

Quick. Oh,

no.

Oh, fuck.

Hi,

General Kelly.

Good grief. I was just having a big
strategy meeting about, uh, charades.

No, we don't know where Mooch is or what
couch he lives in.

I'd love to help you look, sir, but I
have bone spurs.

Works every time.

We'll be right back.

me he wanted to talk about something
very serious, I said no.

But if you show me a video, I'll watch.

President

Trump is

facing mounting ethical challenges, but
he doesn't really care about that stuff.

So I asked three world renowned
ethicists to help me help him.

through these troubling times.

We're here today to talk about ethics.

So what are ethics?

Generally speaking, ethics is really
about how should we behave toward other

people. Thank you. So I'm going through
the moral and ethical dilemma for the

two of us. The president is very busy.
He's traveling often.

He's golfing.

What else is he doing?

A lot of Twitter. A lot of Twitter.

He's tweeting quite a bit.

You know, he makes priorities.

And it's not like ethics aren't on the
list at all. They're just more towards

the bottom. It's like when you make a
shopping list. You need milk. You need

eggs. You need foreign government money.

You need to hire your relatives. You
need travel ban.

And then somewhere down there, ethics.

It's quite a shopping list. Yes.

It might help you going forward as you
think about these ethical issues to have

women as well as us. Here's the thing,
though. I just feel like gals want to do

gal stuff.

We're all white now.

Well, that's true. It might help to
discuss these issues with people of

descent. I love all the colors in the
Crayola box.

We really need to talk about the poor.

Now, let me ask you a question.

Lying, is that unethical? Like, almost
never is it right to lie. Does the

president know you're here with us
having this conversation?

No. Is that an ethical thing?

You can mislead him.

That's a good question. Is it ethical?

to mislead the president for his own
good for example no there's no more ice

cream in the freezer or no this is
actually the third burrito you've had

though it was only his second that is
the way in which we treat children

they're not ethically responsible right
so you're being a paternalistic about

with the president that's it can you be
a good person who's working

for a bad person, like that movie Devil
Wears Prada. That poor girl had to work

for that very demanding boss, but she
wasn't a bad person, right? She quit in

the end.

She did?

Yeah. Hold on a second. She stopped
working? Yeah, you didn't watch the

movie. No, I realized the woman was the
main character, and I stopped watching.

2 ,000 years ago, there was a guy who
was an emperor in Rome, a really bad

His name was Nero, and he had an
advisor. His name was Seneca.

And Seneca tried to do his best to make
better life for the Roman people. He

ended up being invited to commit
suicide.

Mr. Vice President, this could be a very
dangerous situation. If the president

were mentally unstable, you need to be
prepared to step in and save our

Would not it be ethical for you to speed
up this process a bit under the 25th

Amendment of the United States
Constitution?

So I didn't say that.

I didn't say what he said.

That is something. You said that. So now
what is the 25th Amendment?

The Constitution does provide that
physical or mental disability. The

of the cabinet and the vice president
can remove his powers as president and

confer those powers on you.

Well, shucks, golly, gosh darn. I
wouldn't kick the presidency out of bed

eating crackers.

I'm beginning to think that you might be
clever as a fox.

Well, I'll say this.

No one ever called me clever, but my
wife Karen did once call me a fox.

I just want to be clear.

You're probably a more canny politician,
more capable of getting through

disastrous budgets that will hurt the
poor and give massive tax breaks to the

rich. and that I'm worried that you're
actually going to be better at being

president than Donald Trump, but with
the exact same goals.

So what you're saying is that I'm not
some corn -fed rube from Indiana, but

actually quite a clever political
operator.

Maybe I took this role as vice president
knowing that all of this would happen,

and I would be in the exact position
that I'm in at the moment.

That doesn't seem like me.

I am a humble, humble man.

I'm just little Mike Pence from Indiana,
you know. I'm no one special, but gosh,

shuck, golly, aw, I might just be the
46th president of the United States.

Well, gentlemen, thank you so much.

Next time on The Book of Mike, how to
avoid self -reflection.

Oh, huh, Mike?

We'll be right back.

My guest tonight is political columnist
and culture critic. She conducts

the talk interviews for New York Times
Magazine, and her new podcast is called

With Friends Like These.

Please welcome Anna Marie Cox.

Now, you've always been very active on
Twitter, but I hear that you're taking a

whole month off.

Why would you ever do that?

Well, you know, some people might have
really good reasons to take some time

Twitter, you know, avoiding an
international incident, avoiding the

to get in a pointless feud with a
morning show anchor.

I don't have any of those good reasons.

I thought I might focus more on some
things. Why do that? Yeah, I know. Why

that when you can tweet the stuff that
enters your reptilian brain?

It's so strange. Like, I decided I
wanted to try and write stuff that was

than 140 characters and also maybe think
about things for longer than 140

seconds. And I know...

And I was getting bad at that,
basically.

I ban things. You ban things. I make new
laws.

I yell at people.

Mika and Joe, they're on the hit list.

Yeah. Yeah. And, yes, and it is like
living in a, you know, dystopian

every single day. It's like, I mean.

You're welcome.

Yeah, I used to watch the sci -fi
channel, but now I just.

But then they changed their name from
Sci -Fi to that weird Y thing. And it's

like, why did you do that? That doesn't
even mean anything.

Now, you're a liberal, and you're
married into a family of Republicans. So

incredible.

Mainly for the money, but yeah. Of
course. Well, we've got a lot more money

the Democrats.

And you started a podcast where people
with opposing political views can have a

dialogue. Why don't you just call them
fake family?

You know, they might yet think that
about me.

But I actually started it because I
realized from the experience of having,

know, numerous uncomfortable
Thanksgiving meals. Oh, yeah. Me too.

Yeah. As my daughter.

I bet.

That the arguing with people is actually
not a great way to get them to agree

with you.

Shocking. Uh -huh. Yeah.

Listening actually sort of almost works.

Like if you give people respect.

I know I'm talking like a foreign
language. Did someone get me an antacid?

If you treat people with respect and
dignity and pay attention to their

arguments. Foreign.

I know.

You can actually have some kind of.

communication together where you might
find common ground. You mean like when I

wanted to talk to Hillary, I respected
her by honestly labeling her as Crooked

Hillary.

No, no, not at all like that. It's a
little different.

I'm not sure. Maybe Ivanka could
explain.

Let's talk about Jeff Sessions because
he's such an idiot.

Now I'm trying to get rid of him and he
won't take the hint.

So what do you think I should do? How do
I get rid of this guy?

You'll take that office when you pry it
from his cold, dead, tiny little hand.

You guys have that in common, actually,
right?

Unbelievable.

Yeah,

they're totally average size. Anyway, so
Jeff Sessions, I don't see him leaving

anytime soon. Like, this is his dream
job. Like, he's been wanting to oppress

black people and women since he was,
like, a tiny old person.

He's a Benjamin.

He's the Benjamin Buttons of racism.

That's right.

That's right.

And, you know, if you want to know what
the future looks like, he was the

attorney general before in Alabama.

What? That's a state?

Yeah, I know.

Now, before you go, I know you're taking
a month off from Twitter, but I don't

want you to miss any of my tweets, so I
printed out all of my tweets for August.

There you go.

Anna Marie Cox, everybody!

There you go.

Congratulations.

It's been a great show.

I had a play date with my BFF.

Mike got murky with some ethicists. And
I showed Anna Marie Cox why she should

never have me on her podcast.

I know. I know, General.

I'm getting to it.

Mooch, do I really have to go?

Now that our love is so new?

I'm sorry, but Kelly says you gotta for
real this time.

At least now I can go see my wife and
newborn son.

Nah, I'm not gonna do that.

But there is one more thing before I go.

Isn't all the tying expression?

You know what it is.

I know, baby.

Take him away, General.

I love you, Mr. President. Take him
away.

to complete chaos.

Just the way I like it. Bye -bye!