All language subtitles for The President Show s01e12 Carole Radziwill

Ladies and gentlemen, the 45th and final
President of the United States.

Mr.

President, Mr. President, Mr.

President, Mr. President. You're
welcome. Thank you.

Thank you.

First, let me just take a moment to
insult Jeff Sessions.

Jeff. You look like a melting gap kid
mannequin. Okay, Jeff? You got it?

Moving on.

How do you respond to criticism of your
band of transgender people in military

service? Like this.

I'd like to introduce you to my favorite
new team member, who I will eventually

betray, Anthony Scaramucci!

I love the president. I love it.

I love you. I love you. I freaking love
you.

Thank you.

I'm going to fire so many people.

I don't know who it's going to be,
right?

But I'm going to get to the bottom of
the leakage in the White House. You hear

me, right?

There's an old Italian expression my
mother used to use when somebody hurt

She'd say.

Stick the umbrella up my ass, but don't
open it. Wow.

I love ethnics.

And I love President Chump.

He's the love of my life. And I love
love.

I love love. I can suck my own.

Can you comment? Can you comment on the
fact that only a few years ago, you

supported Democrats were pro -choice and
pro -gun control?

You're talking to me or him? Because we
both did that.

It's like looking in a mirror.

This guy is phenomenal.

I've seen him at Madison Square Garden
in a top coat hitting foul shots.

Swish, swish, it's swish.

I've also seen him eat a live raccoon,
bones and all, and he's got a Siamese

house cat. Wow.

Who is this guy? He sounds phenomenal.

It's you.

It's me?

Yes, yes, my love.

This is the new reality.

Which brings us to tonight's theme. Tell
him the theme, Mooch.

Joe Paterno. What?

Scusa de mi.

The theme is reality. That's right.

Reality. I started out on reality TV,
and now I'm getting you to face the

reality that Russia is good, Europe is
bad, and America is a sewer full of

cesspools overflowing with carnage. It's
terrible. It's terrible. I don't like

it. Correction. I love it. I love it,
too. I can barely tell where you end and

start. I'm the president!

Can you believe it? Let us roll!

We've got a great one tonight. With me,
as always, is dried Elmer's glue in the

shape of a man, Mike Benz. Oh, thank
you.

Well,

thank you, sir.

You're stuck with me, sir.

Don't do it, Mike. But it's because of
the glue. Mike, just stop. Okay.

My guest tonight is one of the Real
Housewives of New York City, Carol

And Mike...

You know how I feel about the Real
Housewives.

They're shallow. They're self -involved.
They stab each other in the back.

I want us to be housewives, too.

Well, sir, if you can change military
personnel policy with a tweet, I guess

can do whatever you want.

Cool!

I'm not a president, but I play one on
TV.

Nasty taglines are for show -off. My
name is Mike.

much, sir. Thanks for joining me on the
couch.

Oh, God. I needed a break from the desk.

I mean, what a week. I am so stressed
out. I feel crazy.

Sir, can I just say, you are not crazy.

I know. I mean, would a crazy person go
to a Boy Scout jamboree and make a joke

about oranges?

I can't believe what John McCain did in
the Senate. We are an important check on

the powers of the executive. We are not
the president's subordinates. We are his

equal.

Wow. Just wow.

Yeah. I mean, he totally had work done,
right? It's so obvious. Oh, yeah.

Completely. Right over here. Yeah. And
I'm sorry, but he is not my equal. Like,

I'm up here.

And he's like down there.

Oh, totally. So you're way above a war
hero like John McCain.

Mike was agreeing with me, but he wasn't
agreeing with me.

I really need him to be on my side right
now.

Mike's going to have to do a lot of work
if he ever wants me to trust him again.

Friends are supposed to stick together
no matter what. Right, Mike?

Oh, of course, sir. I really value our
transactional friendship.

I mean, how many years have we known
each other?

Uh, one.

That's crazy. I mean, it feels like one.

That's why it makes me so mad what Rush
Limbaugh said.

It's also kind of discomforting,
unseemly, for Trump to go after such a

supporter this way.

Especially when Sessions made it obvious
he's not going to resign.

I'm unseemly?

Rush Limbaugh is a trash bag full of
toxic medical waste that's been sitting

in the sun all week. And he's my friend.

I know, I know. You're right and he is
wrong.

That whole Limbaugh thing really got
Mike back in my good graces.

Thanks, Mike. I know you mean it. You
know what? You might be my number one

friend in the White House. Ding dong!
Hey, it's me, your number one friend in

the White House! Wow, it's the Moose!

Wow,

your own personal cocktail brand skeevy
boy.

Uh, we don't drink.

Uh, we don't drink.

Mr. President, you know, I'll tell you
straight.

You need this after all the Jeff drama.

Oh, God, don't even.

Jeff Sessions looks like a hero right
now. He hasn't done anything. It's the

president who's embarrassing himself
going after him like this.

I'm embarrassing myself?

No, I'm embarrassing him. You know what?
I'm doing it again.

I'm up here and he's all the way down
here. Just quit.

Somebody needs to buy Jeff a board game
because he needs to get a clue.

I love Mooch.

You know, you told him he's not your
friend, and now he won't even be a good

friend. Just makes me so mad.

He's not a hero. You're a hero. Yeah.

You're a hero. You know, there's an old
Italian expression my mother used to

use. How many of those are there?

She'd say, he's nothing but a prodigy.

What?

What do you got, four dicks in here?
It's a little heavy. Come on, Vicki,

help Teresa flip the table.

What are you talking about? This is what
we do now. We'll be right back.

My approval ratings are historically
low.

So I went out to talk to a focus group
of real people about what they love

me. We're going to have, I think, 10 or
11 people. And we'll just hear their

views. And where do I sit? In the
corner?

No, you and the vice president will
actually be in the next room behind

What room?

There's nothing there. There's a mirror.

No, on this side it looks like a mirror,
but on the other side you can see and

hear them. They won't be able to see or
hear you. Oh, wow.

Give a little yank, you know what I
mean?

Hi there. Just have a seat anywhere.

Look at this guy.

He's a real American.

Oh, there we go.

Hi, honey.

Look at that.

Perfect place.

I thank everybody for being here today.
My name is Jason. The moderator looks

like a beaver.

Let's go around the room and have
everybody say your name.

My name's George.

My name is Craig.

And what's your name, honey?

My name's Yoda.

Yoda. In love, I think I am.

All right, let's just start off with
sort of a general question.

Can they hear us? No, they can't hear
us. If we want to talk to Jason, we just

talk into this microphone.

What do you think are the most important
issues facing America?

Middle America is being decimated, and
it's wrong that that were brought back

into consideration. This is so boring.

Do we have any snacks or anything?

I think the biggest issue is our health.

The system's failing us. I think Yoda's
married, sir.

I see a ring around her finger.

Listen, I'll tell you what I told Billy
Bush.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I couldn't help myself.

I think probably the biggest issue we
see today is the economy.

I know there's a story.

Sir, no, you have to rip it off.

I told you you're supposed to rip it
off. Look, I got another tie, Mike. I

another tie.

Look at me, I'm a businessman.

And just as a general question, and we
can do this by a show of hands.

Do you feel that the country is on the
right track?

Only three.

That should have been 100%, Jason.

Wrong track?

What jerks? You're animal crackers.

What are you doing?

Why aren't you saying things like
President Trump is so great?

It's my job to be neutral.

I can't be expressive. Have you had a
fruit roll -up?

Give him a fruit roll -up.

Take that out.

Oh, you're going to do it. Don't do
that.

This is... I mean, this is sort of a...
No.

No, no. No, no.

Don't kiss.

No, no. Don't. You're gonna kiss. I
can't watch. I can't watch. I can't

can't watch. I can't watch. Don't. No.
Don't. Don't.

What's happening?

What's happening to you?

That's a person death.

You understand me?

I got out there.

I asked some real questions.

Okay. Um... Um...

Let me shift gears a little bit.

Do you think that he has the potential
to become a great president? That

potential?

Best quality, worst quality.

What are you doing? Just the best
quality.

Jason, I want you to turn to the women
and say, we need to do the rest of this

topless. No, sir, we can't do that. It's
shirts and skins and all the women are

the skins.

Sir, no.

Jason, please. We all got to see it.
Don't look at this mirror.

Do not look at this mirror. Don't say no
to me. I'm so sorry, Jason. I am the

president of the United States. I'm
really sorry. We're just having a

error. Jason, eat a bunch of nuts and
hold them in your mouth. No.

What the hell are you doing? I'm just
going to take the top off. Get out of

here. You're making me get the hell out
of here. You're fired.

Get out of here, Jason. Get out of here,
Jason. I should have never kissed you.

I should have never kissed you.

I will go in. I will go in. You guys.

Hello. Hi.

Sorry about that. That was, uh, Jason
had to, um, had to go.

This is how you do it, okay?

You only get the right answers.

Just overall, a question about the
president is, um, How great of a job

is he doing on a scale of 7 to 11? 7 to
11.

I'm going to say 10 for President Trump
and 11 for Vice President. So Pence is

doing better.

Then Trump. What?

No. Say no. That's not true. That's the
perfect answer. That's great.

And then Bill.

Mike, what the hell are you doing?

She said I was doing an 11 and that you
were doing a 10. And Bill agreed.

Bill also said 11 to 10. What a
disappointing bunch of people.

And I want you all to leave who didn't
agree with me now. Get up and leave. Get

out. George, get out of here for real.

Get out, Greg.

Shut the door.

Back to the survey.

Who here?

Believed that Donald J. Trump is the
greatest president to have ever lived.

100 % unbelievable.

See that?

100%. Screw you, Gallup. Screw you,
Clinton.

We'll be right back.

My guest tonight is journalist and
author, but more importantly, she's one

the Real Housewives of New York. Please
welcome Carol Redswell.

Thank you so much for

being here, Carol.

Thank you for having me. I so want a
dish. Isn't Mar -a -Lago so great? It's

gorgeous. If you're lucky.

You'll be one of the women I bring back
to my bungalow. Oh, wow.

Now, you've been on The Real Housewives
for five seasons now.

What is it like being around all that
infighting and dysfunction all the time?

Well, I'm sure it's much like what's
going on in the White House right now.

Oh, way.

Except that Steve totally told me that
my sweater the other day was ugly.

And I was like, I don't even wear
sweaters. That's my chest hair.

Now, which housewife do you think I
resemble the most?

Oh, that's a good question because you
have a lot of housewife qualities. I

would say you're a composite of three.
You have

the craziness in the eyes of Miss Ramona
Singer.

Yes. Remember when she walked down the
runway and she was crazy?

Yes, yes, yes.

And you live sort of like, I could say,
like an alternative universe with

alternative facts, much like Sonia
Morgan.

Sonia. Yeah. And then, of course, there
is Luann. And very much like Luann, you

have this idea that somehow you're
royalty, maybe like a count or a king,

perhaps. I'm going to call myself the
kingest.

You can count on the kingin'. That could
be your tagline.

Be cool.

It was so funny when she fell down, huh?

Last week, she fell down in Mexico. I
didn't know you watched.

Oh, are you kidding me?

It's all over, Roni. I watch it.

I have Steve Bannon come in and bring me
a milk.

I get three scoops of ice cream.

And then I sit on the bed with my feet
where the head's supposed to be and my

hands like this.

So this season was very intense because
it happened during the election.

You are the most political, it seems, of
all the Housewives.

So what is your opinion about those who
haven't voted or their political

proclivities on the show?

I think it's a shame, I think, when 100
million people in the country don't vote

at all. We have a problem. I know you're
very concerned about those 5 million

people who voted illegally, which, have
you ever found them?

No.

In the last 20 years, reality shows have
taken over television, let's face it,

okay? I mean, entire networks.

Bravo used to show opera and ballet.

Yes, it's very high culture. That's
right. But the point being is

becoming reality to the degree that even
I, a reality star, became the president

of the United States. I know. Who would
have thought? Everywhere you go,

everyone is observing each other with
their camera phones, with their digital

recordings, broadcasting, so that at all
times people are both observing

themselves and being observed.

So at what point...

Does the nature of privacy disappear so
that we are all performing all the time

as opposed to having any private self or
private thought?

Wow.

Is there a question in there?

Yeah. I mean, we're all performing in
our own little reality shows on

and Facebook. And I don't know. I guess
we'll have to see 25 years from now.

What do you think it will be?

Maybe people will be more, I mean, let's
look at the glass half full. Maybe

people will be more self -aware because
they'll be observing themselves and they

see how they act.

And there won't be a level of tone
deafness that runs in this country and

certainly runs sometimes through some of
the reality shows that we've seen.

Last question.

Which relationship is a bigger sham?

Tom and Luann or me and Mike Pence?

I'm going to go with you and my friends.

Joe Redwell, everybody!

What a

great

theme. Our theme was reality.

And I've had many realities to reflect
on.

I'm Donald Trump, the 80s real estate
developer who convinces everyone I'm

incredibly rich while my companies go
bankrupt six times.

I'm Donald Trump, the reality TV star
who everyone loves because I make people

think they can become millionaires by
successfully managing a bake sale.

I'm Donald Trump.

The creep who owns beauty pageants
because people said it's not okay to

woman's zoo.

I'm Donald Trump, the candidate who
rallies a sea of white faces against

mythical Mexican rapists, disabled
reporters, and gold star families. And

NBC still lets me go on their comedy
shows.

And now, I'm President Trump.

the outsider who said he'd drain the
swamp, then clog the drain with Goldman

Sachs turds.

Like me.

I'm the Trump who's not the Trump, who
hates the Trump, who loves the Trump.

I'm in over my head, but I'm pulling the
job down to my level.

My chaos is your new reality, and chaos
makes for damn good TV.

The de -evolution will be televised.

Bye -bye!