Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, the 45th and final President of the United States.

Okay, okay, okay, relax, relax,

I get it. We're all very excited about the new Senate health care bill. It's a

mean, beautiful...

heartless, amazing travesty of an accomplishment that I'm told I

support. Sure, I support it. It cuts taxes for the rich and reduces coverage

everyone else. I call it the reverse Obamacare, which is also a fantastic

position where the man gets on top and screws a bunch of poor people.

Today, you tweeted that there are no tapes of your conversations with Comey.

There are absolutely no recordings of my conversation in the White House.

Then why did you suggest that there were tapes? Didn't you hear me? Play it

back. There are absolutely no recordings of my conversation in the White

House. See?

This is a total witch hunt.

I mean, look at this guy. He's got a pitchfork. It's a pen.

It could be a tiny pitchfork. I can't risk it. Bring it in, boys.

Are you serious?

Oh,

shut up. You're lucky I'm letting you film this.

That's so much better.

I got that straight from the Department of Defense.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Mr. President.

not under investigation.

Yes. Yes to witch.

I'm not the witch. You're the witch.

Which is why tonight's theme is witch hunts.

That's all this Russia thing is. Witch hunts should be reserved for black

presidents who weren't born here and crooked old ladies who bleach their

I'm bewitched, bothered, and bewildered. And I'm the president. Can you believe

it?

Let's roll.

Wow. Welcome to the show.

We've got a great one tonight. Later, I'll be talking to Matt Walsh from the

HBO show Leap.

He plays an incompetent White House press secretary.

I wonder where they got that idea.

With me, as always, is the vanilla milkshake to my animal -style devil

Mike Pence. Hello. Very happy to be here, sir.

Mike, I don't usually do this.

But I'm going to pay you a huge compliment. Oh, thank you, sir. That's

of you. I'm always impressed by your ability to... Wait.

What? What's that?

What is that?

What is it? Is that who I think it is? Oh, God.

Wow!

What the hell?

Jesus Christ. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Who put that... Door in the doorway.

It's Steve Bannon, everybody.

Wow.

Need you to run Breitbart News.

Now he runs the White House. So what's up, weirdo?

I see things that others don't. I know of the fourth turning.

I've seen the fifth element.

And I just ate six hot dogs.

Wow. So cool.

There are witches out there to get you, but don't worry.

I'm here to tell you about them in a little segment that I like to call Witch

No Witch.

Wow, Steve, you're so crazy.

First up, John Ossoff. The Democrats blew $23 million on his campaign and he

still couldn't float.

Wait, do witches think or float?

They float.

I'm drunk. Go with what the dweeb said.

I say he's a witch. He goes by his middle name, a total witch move.

You know, my middle name is Richard.

No way.

Your full name is Mike Dick Pence?

No, no, no, no, Richard. It's Mike Richard Penn.

So, is that Mike Dick in your pants, or are you just happy to see if he's a

witch? I know it.

He's a wimp.

The devil went down to Georgia, and it's no longer on my mind. Let's do another.

Let's do another, Steve.

But this next one is the tricky one. You ready for this, guys? The tricky one.

Okay, who is it? Sean.

Oh, boy, that fat sack of shame.

Indeed.

In the last few days, he's been interviewing his own replacements while

think of a new role for him. The only role I can think of for Sean is a

roll.

Well, that's hardly fair. Both you and Steve are far more overweight than he

Shut up, you fat turd. I am not fat.

No, I'm not. Mike, we're all fat.

Especially you.

But the question is, is Sean a witch?

I say yes.

Sometimes he appears like this.

And sometimes he appears like this.

He's an evil shapeshifter. A totally evil shapeshifter.

Yes, maybe that's why the Pope wouldn't meet him. No, no, that was just me being

a dick. Oh, right.

Silence!

The answer is...

He's

a witch!

Wow!

He's a witch! He's a witch and he's a bitch!

That high -pitched, stuttering, sweaty cop can't answer a few goddamn simple

questions! How hard is it? Just lie!

Just lie! I'm doing it right now!

No, no, no, no.

You're not supposed to show that. Put that away.

That went away also. Steve. I love this one. I know. Steve.

I don't get it.

The game was called which or no which. And all the answers were which.

I don't know. I only had one briefcase.

Besides, I've been huffing butane all day.

This is your top advisor? Him? You listen to him? You won't listen to me?

up, White Fang.

Boy, I'll break.

Here we go.

I want you two to fight for my amusement now.

Here we go. All right. Yeah, there you go. Bring it on. Bring it on. Bring it

on. The Hot Facts.

That I love best. That I love best. We'll be right back.

Welcome back.

I realized this week that I need to build a tremendous legal team to help me

with this investigation that I'm totally not under. Wink.

It's time for lawyering up.

Well, Gloria, I'd shake your hand, but I don't want to get sued for touching you

inappropriately. You would be.

I'm in a bit of trouble. Gooby, I'm not going to lie.

So I understand.

I am auditioning lawyers to be on my legal team.

First off, if I hired you, would I be your favorite client?

First of all, you'd be second to O .J. Simpson. Love the guy.

Klaus von Bulow. Great guy, too. Mike Tyson. There we go.

And Bill Clinton.

Bill Clinton? Yeah. I don't think that you remember me. I have a lawsuit

you. What?

On behalf of Summer Zervos, who is one of the women during the presidential

campaign. Oh, wow. Is this the way the interview is going? Who accused you of

actually doing some of the things that you said. I object.

You did on that Access Hollywood tape. You're out of order.

Where you alleged you could grab a woman by, I'm not going to use the word that

you said.

Pussy. Genital.

And I filed a lawsuit against you, which is now pending.

in New York City.

That's the kind of lawyer I want. I can't. It's a conflict.

You attended Yale Law School. I did. And then you were a professor at Harvard.

Mm -hmm. What? You think you're better than me? Absolutely.

I have no doubt that I'm better than you.

You went to University of Pennsylvania.

Fourth or fifth ranked.

I went to Yale Law School.

Number one witness school. I am much better than you.

Don't you want a lawyer that's better than you? You want a lawyer that's worse

than you? Yes.

We have attorney -client privilege, right? No, we don't. All right, I'm

admit some things. I'm going to tell everybody everything you've said here

today. Anything you tell me is completely confidential. I can tell you

Anything. I have a small heart attack four times a day. Oh, okay. I think

Jeff Sessions in a bikini all the time.

Do you?

I want to hunt and eat a male ballerina. I masturbate with both hands.

Who doesn't?

Alan, am I being investigated or not?

You are being investigated -ish.

Is this Yiddish? Are you thinking Yiddish?

If I become your lawyer, will you actually do the things I suggest you

do? No.

Will you stop doing the things I suggest you stop doing?

No. Thank you for that. What is my biggest legal problem?

Did you ever hear these words?

Obstruction of justice?

No. I haven't heard them until you said them. Can I sue James Comey? If you try

to get him to stop investigating you. I didn't do it. That's potentially

obstruction of justice. Ding, ding, ding.

Did I win something? That is an impeachable offense.

You can't handle the truth.

You don't know where I'm coming from. I'm crazy like a fox. Because it makes

your job easier.

No, it makes my job better because if you get yourself indicted or impeached,

have a real job.

And you're helping me enormously.

Everything you say, everything you do makes it more likely you're going to get

impeached. Resign now while there's still time. Do you think you can keep me

of jail?

If you do what I tell you to do, I can keep you out of prison.

I'm not sure at this point that I want to.

You know something?

There's a lot I'd like to do with you. There's a lot I'd like to do with you.

It's all legal, though.

Mine's all illegal.

Really? Oh, boy, Gloria.

Don't do this to me.

You are so disgusting. Thank you.

Gloria, let me tell you something.

I wish I could have you on my legal team, but you just didn't represent

with the knowledge of the body of the law that's needed.

Unfortunately,

You haven't passed the interview.

And you're fired.

Gooby, though I think you're smart, you're ultimately a dirty hippie.

I have to go with my gut.

You're fired.

Alan Dershowitz, unfortunately, you're too Jewish, even for me.

You're fired.

So, I'm going to have to go to my back pocket for my Trump card, so to speak.

Gilbert Gottfried, you are my new lawyer.

Donald, I told you, I'm not really a lawyer.

That's okay.

I'm not really a president.

Beautiful. Thanks, Gilbert.

We'll be right back.

Do you know Mike McClendon?

My guest tonight you've seen in so many movies.

He's currently playing the White House communications director Mike McClendon

the HBO series Deep.

Please welcome Matt Walsh.

So incredible,

Matt. Look at you.

You should resign.

Why?

You're a terrible president.

Thanks, Matt. You've ruined the decency and the history of that office.

You're welcome.

I didn't vote for you. Don't thank me. I didn't vote for you. I cleaned the

swamp, Matt. Are you Scottish?

Little Irish.

Little Irish. Mostly Irish.

I'm a big Scot.

Okay.

Okay. Now, Veef is a spinoff from the great television show Seinfeld. No. Not

true.

When she changed her name to Selena, is it because Kramer put her in witness

protection? No.

Veep was a show created by a completely different team. A bunch of British

people, actually.

Oh, gross.

Although... I thought you love exploiting Britain. I love exploiting

women. Okay.

You're a trained improviser from Chicago.

Terrible town. So much violence.

It's a great town.

And you founded the Improv Theater.

The Upright Citizens Brigade Theater. I love that. So how can I start an improv

theater? Because, you know, people say I'm an improv president.

I wouldn't want to start an improv theater with you. I mean, improv is an

form that plays against your personality type, where you have to relinquish your

idea and support someone else's. You have to yes and ideas.

You have to listen.

It requires deep listening.

What? You have none of these skills.

You have to be playful and collaborative. None of this is anything

personality. I want to sit here and be alone.

I feel that way when you interview me, yeah.

What are some of the rules of improv?

I just told you what improv is.

I literally just broke it down for you, Mr. President.

I literally just said, yes and, listening, collaboration, relinquishing

idea. Perfect.

All of that. Let's do a scene. I want to do it the way you do it. Get a

suggestion. Perfect. Let's get a suggestion from the audience. Get a

for the president.

Anybody, just shout it out.

Bathroom. Bathroom.

Bathroom. Is it? I said it. That wasn't his idea. It was mine.

I'm a bathroom attendant.

You're a bathroom attendant.

Okay. I'm a bathroom attendant. Okay. Who's a big fan of Ivanka Trump.

I'm not sitting in a toilet.

I'm sitting in a chair next to a thing of candy and Purell.

Okay. And Atkins. Great.

And you're the pervert sitting in a toilet. I'm a pervert for sitting on a

toilet? You're the pervert sitting watching someone sitting on a toilet.

still doing this scene? I think so.

Yeah. Let me tell you, I'm a fireman now.

Is there a problem, Officer Fireman?

Is there a reason you're sitting across the toilet? Who the hell are you?

I'm a man sitting on a toilet waiting for you to stop staring at me. Why are

sitting on a toilet?

Because I have to go poo.

In the middle of a soccer field.

It wasn't a soccer field when I sat down. Right.

It wasn't. I got bored.

What a surprise.

Are we still doing the scene, Mr. President? Am I supposed to go to the

in the scene? No.

Did you?

No.

No.

You're gross.

Here we are on a space station.

On chairs.

Of course. Not toilets.

Space chairs. Space chairs. But there are also toilets.

Now, I heard there's something called a tag -out in improv. There are tag -outs,

yeah.

So I would get out, and you would assume my position.

Okay.

And you have to have a better idea than what was just happening.

I don't respect you, Mr. President.

I'm on a hit HBO show, and I'm a little Irish.

Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh.

Matt Walsh, everybody.

President Trump, everybody.

Don't shake it too hard.

Don't shake it too hard.

Oh, my God.

Here we are.

We witches three. Won't you say farewell with me?

Double, double, toil and trouble.

Fire bursts the coastal bubble.

Round about the cauldron go.

In the bread of white we throw.

Prop of faith makes pious swoon. In our nose to lie with goon.

Whistle of dog.

to beat the race.

Torn picture of my ex -wife's face.

Clip of saints and stick of beef.

Preparation H for ass relief.

Sparkle more with Muslim scare.

Skid marks from my underwear.

Man of straw and tweet of hate.

Bites me four years. Maybe eight.

Eye of Newt. Spine of Ryan.

Balls of Romney.

Also balls of Cruz.

Balls of Rubio.

Balls of Christie.

So many balls.

Back to the rhyming.

potion works its knowledge lose the vote but win the college trade sanity

for lunacy while grabbing all the poonacy and when you're a

witch they just let you do it