Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, the 45th and final president of the United States.

Hit me with your worst, guys. I'm lawyered up, and unlike that tall drink

piss, James Comey, you can ask me absolutely anything.

Was Mr. Comey's testimony accurate?

No, I don't know. Look, I don't know a lot of things, like whether or not we

have troops in Qatar.

Do we? I think we do.

But we don't like them. We don't like them.

Did you or did you not tell James Comey to drop the investigation into Michael

Flynn? I didn't tell him anything. I said I hope he could let it go. And,

I hope a lot of things.

I'm a hopeful guy.

I believe, and this is a phrase I just invented, in the audacity of hope.

Has your presidency been permanently damaged by the testimony today? It

testimony. It was a circus. The whole thing was a big stunt.

And that's tonight's theme.

Stunt.

All this stuff with Comey and Russia is a total distraction from what we should

be focusing on, infrastructure.

And folks, our structure has the best infra, rivaled only by our

tremendous outfra.

Comey said, quote, Lordy, I hope there are tapes of your conversations, are

there? Lordy, I hope not.

Why can't we get a straight answer out of you?

When it comes to answers, I'm the Liberace of being straight.

My lawyer says I'm the Predecent.

Comey believe it? Let's roll!

Welcome to the show.

Later, I'll be talking to former CIA agent Evan McMullin, who ran against me

president and lost.

Like a dog.

But he's a good guy.

And with me, as always, is the albino from the Da Vinci Code, Mike Pence.

Hello. Good to be here, sir. Good to be here. Hello. You seem more rigid than

usual tonight, Mike. What gives?

Well, sir, I watched the Comey testimony today.

Yeah? Well, it just seems like, you know, you took James Comey to dinner.

took Marco Rubio to dinner. You even took Mitt Romney to dinner.

What's your point, Mike? Well, nothing. I just thought maybe... Okay, Mike.

What, you want dinner?

Here. Sure. Is that what you want? You want dinner? Yeah, thank you. There you

go.

Here's your dinner, Mike. I bought you some chips.

Sir, these are open.

Executive privilege.

Just eat your chips, you meddlesome priest.

You know, Mike, the world is a very complicated place, but not for long,

this segment is called Nice, Not Nice.

Nice, Marco Rubio.

Lil Marco put his big boy lips in his shoes and really stood up for me in the

hearing. That kid can handle his water.

Not nice.

John McCain.

He tried to defend me, but he asked incoherent, unrelated questions and

know what he was talking about.

That's my move, McCain.

What's next?

You're going to crash a beauty pageant dressing room?

I did that. I told people I did that. Then they told people I did that. I did

it.

Nice.

Me.

After the terror attack in London last weekend, I offered words of comfort and

support and even a bit of constructive criticism.

Not nice.

London Mayor Sadiq Khan.

who criticized me and said I should stay away from England.

I'm always getting attacked by guys named Khan.

You got this guy.

You got that other Khan guy last summer.

But I'm going to beat them both.

There's an art to taking down a Khan.

Believe me, I know.

Because I'm a professional Khan artist.

When your son raises millions of dollars for kids with cancer.

Not nice.

Forbes reporting that we transferred a hundred grand out of that charity and

into our business. Oop.

But still, those kids made a wish and it got granted. They got to hang out with

Eric Trump.

He hides the money in his gums, folks.

Right up there. He stuffs it up there. Yeah.

I'm going to switch it up, Mike. Switch it up. Switch it up. You ready to

switch? I'm ready to switch. Switch it up.

Not nice.

Worth the wait.

Hillary created them, and I will destroy them in 30 days or less.

Or your pizza's free.

Double not nice.

Iran.

A country so backward, so devious, that they won't even tell us they're actually

a modern, open society where many Americans would feel completely

That's the dirtiest trick of all.

Triple!

Not nice!

ISIS attacked Iran.

I can't believe it. If the enemy of my enemy is my friend, does that mean

they're both my friends now?

I think so. I think those are the rules, sir.

Oh, okay, I got it. NATO's my enemy, and ISIS and Iran are my friends.

Nice.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders, my spokeswoman.

Today, she told everyone I'm definitely not a liar.

She did a great job, and I would have used her earlier if I respected women.

I don't. I don't respect women.

Not nice.

Her father, Mike Huckabee, the Internet's worst comedian.

Look at this tweet.

Rachel Maddow tonight reveals Amelia Earhart and Jimmy Hoffa are found.

They are married and had a child, Snoop Dogg, who paid no taxes ever. What the

hell is he talking about? Is that a joke?

Amelia Earhart and Jimmy Hoffa.

How would they even meet?

She's a pilot and is a union and they have a child who's black.

And they don't pay, nobody pays taxes. Mike's losing it, folks.

We'll be right back.

Stop laughing,

Mike.

Welcome back.

It's act two, and you know what that means.

All fun, all the time. No, sir, I have to say respectfully before we get to all

the fun, which you know I hate, I want to talk through all the problems that

have happened this week.

There's been quite a few, and I just got to make sure we take a good accounting

of everything here, okay? No way.

No. Yes.

No way.

Yes, sir.

Oh!

Wow!

Look, it's Tank, everybody!

Wow!

Whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed by all the craziness, Tank brings me to the

land of fake -believe, a magic place with fantastic friends who help me make

sense of the world.

Lead the way, Tank!

It's good to be back in the land of fake -believe.

Hello, Mr. Trump. Remember me?

No. I'm the one you said you'd always fight for. I'm the forgotten manatee.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, how about that Paris Accord? Do you like that?

Yeah, you were right. I do live closer to Pittsburgh than Paris.

Great line. One of the great lines.

Sorry, I suffer from manatee sothelioma, but I've been hearing some stuff that's

got me worried about my medical bill.

It is Donald Trump won in large part because he carried a lot

of working class white voters. Those are the very people that are going to be

impacted by a lot of these health care cuts.

You promised you were going to get me the best health care. Wait, who are you

again? I'm the forgotten manatee.

Breaking news, breaking news.

Mr. Trump, look over here.

It's Jeff Schmucker, the mainstream media.

You hate me.

Hate you? No way. Are you kidding?

I love you. You're like the Derek Jeter of scandals. It's great for ratings.

It is the countdown to Comey on Capitol Hill. That starts the countdown to James

Comey's testimony. The countdown is on. We have a countdown clock. You have a

countdown clock.

Countdown to Comey Day.

Ooh, there's nothing the mainstream media loves more than a countdown clock.

It turns every weekday into New Year's Eve.

Hey, hey, what about me? I think I'm really sick.

Oh, yeah, right.

Who is that?

I just told you, I'm the forgotten manatee. Yeah, yeah, totally, man.

You're cool.

You're cool.

You're looking presidential today, Donald.

Oh, boy.

Goody, goody. It's Kimberly Kitty, the foxy feline host of my favorite

conservative news show.

Can I just say the assault on your presidency is unconscionable,

and unforgivable.

But I have your back, along with all the other leggy, terrifying women on Fox

News. Check it out. Going back to just the rigged media, which is the left wing

media, has been totally unfair to this president. The reason they're doing this

is they think that they can stop the Trump agenda. The Democrats take control

the messaging and then they make Comey the hero.

Wow, three identical women with three identical opinions.

That's good TV.

You always make me feel better. You are the best, Miss Kitty.

Pardon me.

Oh, my God, this guy.

Sorry, forgotten manatee. Am I even going to have health care in six months?

you think you're entitled to health care?

Ooh, how about a countdown clock to your death? What about me?

That's the president.

He's the president of the United States.

Enough! Enough!

I can't take it. I know what will make everybody really super happy.

I'm going to bomb Syria again.

Yay!

Oh, rating!

America! America rating.

We'll be right bombed.

Yay!

I don't see it. I don't remember it. Who are you?

Here we are at the Jefferson Memorial, named for George Jefferson.

And he had a beautiful wife named Wheezy.

And they moved to the Upper East Side of Washington. They also changed their

name multiple times to Jefferson, Jefferson Starship, and eventually

And then they died and went here, or something like that.

I don't know what. It's always about kindness. Always about kindness.

Always about diamonds.

I'm here in beautiful Mar -a -Lago. My guest tonight is former CIA operative

ran against me for president as an independent.

Please welcome Evan McMullen.

Then you crank him down like a machine.

Can I call you Egg McMuffin? Sure.

Thank you, by the way. It's a great nickname. See, so much better than

Jed or whatever the hell that's called. That's right.

Now, today we saw FBI Director Jim Comey testify.

Now, you're in the CIA, but FBI, CIA, NSA are part of the intelligence

apparatus. So what does this say about our intelligence community to the rest

the world?

I think it shows that the intelligence and the law enforcement communities are

committed to our democracy and defending it. But don't you think that this

Russian hacking and infiltration of our electoral system because of this leak

shows that our electoral system is on the precipice of possible

collapse?

I think it showed some weakness, absolutely.

And I think we as Americans have forgotten about some basic fundamental

in our country that make our country special, that make it great.

Make America great again.

Well, I'm talking about equality and liberty and the fact that we get to

our own leaders and they're accountable to us. You're accountable to the

American people, not to Russia, not to anyone else. No way. I don't do

accounting. I have other guys who do.

I have other people who do accounting.

You ran against me for president, but lost. So what would a McMullen

look like?

Well, a McMullen presidency would seek to destroy ISIS, but without giving up

our ideals.

Already did. I don't think so. 59 bombs says I did.

That's right.

I also would try to unify the country as opposed to dividing the country based

on parties or also based on religion or ethnicities. I think that's a big

problem. I think you should stop. No way.

No.

But it's good for ratings. Keeping things divided is good for ratings.

know that? It is. This is just season one of a four -year reality show.

Yeah, that's right.

What are you thinking? We still have people to kick off the aisle. Well, I

just going to bring that up. Right.

Now, you started an organization called Stand Up Republic with the slogan,

liberty, equality, and truth.

Nor.

Can you just give me some time to do it my way first, please?

We've given you four months and we've already seen so much, Donald.

Four months and already there's an FBI investigation into not only whether your

campaign collaborated with the Russians, but also whether you tried to block the

investigation. In only four months, that's quite an achievement. No way.

off, I took Jim Comey to a lovely dinner.

Okay? This guy complains about it. I dropped a real dime on it, okay? Was

candles? I got candles.

They were scented candles, which was not good with the dinner.

Because they were cinnamon and we were having fish.

Not a good combination.

Isn't it true in some way, though, that our press, our electoral system, and our

basic voting system, including the denial of voters' rights, with these

assignments and various ways we're keeping people...

suppressed. Haven't our institutions failed by me becoming president?

I do think our institutions are standing up to you quite well, and that

encourages me. Now, we've still got many problems in our country, but the fact

that our judiciary has stood up to you, our press is still independent, Congress

is now gaining a little bit of courage. So these things are good.

Now, there was a lot of coverage this week.

on the NSA leak by Reality Winner, which is a great name. It is a great name.

It's a great name. It showed the public how Russian hackers found a way into

some U .S. voting system. Do you think her leak will make it more likely the

government will address this major problem?

With leaks?

Yes. I don't like leaks. I know. Unless you're in my depends.

Wow. Well...

I'm glad you're wearing them, first of all. I'm not right now. They may be very

useful in the months ahead.

But, yes,

I think the government is trying to crack down on leaked.

As much as I think some people are whistleblowing, actually, with these

they do compromise our ability, in many cases, to collect more intelligence.

So something needs to be done with that. There's a proper investigation now, so

I think they're unnecessary.

I think that the public absolutely needs to have a clear picture for what

happened in our election and whether you collaborated with the Russians. We

definitely need to know that. I did, I did.

Evan McMullin, everybody!

Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence.

He sat down. He wrote it out. He said, number one, we're free to say whatever

want as long as you're rich.

Number two, I could shoot somebody in the street and I could still get elected

president. I don't know what the rest of them are, but they're incredible, the

Bill of Rights. You know about the 25th Amendment?

president can be removed for being unfit for office. We've got to get rid of

that one. We need to get rid of the 25th Amendment.

What a great show.

I dunked on James Comey, visited the very real land of fake -believe, and

brought home the bacon with Egg McMuffin.

Our theme tonight was And I know all about that.

I ran for president. I bombed Syria.

I dissed NATO.

All tremendous stunts.

Because I'm a stuntman, baby.

It's a dangerous job.

And America's got the scars to prove it.

Everyone loves a cliffhanger. Am I crippling the EPA by stacking it with

industry bigwigs who profit from denying science?

Am I trying to privatize air traffic control as a handout to the big four

airlines?

Am I defunding drug prevention programs while drug addiction ravages the states

that elected me?

And finally, am I complicit in a Russian scheme to bring down the most powerful

democracy in the history of the world?

You want to know?

You better keep your eyes on me, baby.

I'll see you in hell!

Bye -bye!