Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, the 45th and final President of the United States.

Wow.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

It's great to be back in America.

How very much I've loved you.

How very much I've tried my best to give you a good life.

Is it hot in here, or did I just pull out of the Paris Accord? What

a terrible deal that was for America. Everyone says, Trump, Trump,

what about the melting ice caps?

Don't worry.

My environmental policy will take care of the penguins. The Pittsburgh

A tremendous hockey team.

The bird penguins can get incredible jobs as coal miners.

But all the scientific studies indicate that... Oh, who cares about science?

That's for nerds.

I'm fighting for the forgotten man.

He doesn't read studies.

He's the man who forgot to read.

And that's my base.

My base, which is loyal to me.

This is why the theme of tonight's show is loyalty.

I surrounded myself with the most loyal people, except the one guy who is

leaking everything that's said in every White House meeting.

You've hinted that you might fire several members of your staff in the

week. Is that what you call loyalty?

Of course.

Loyalty is a two -way street.

It's something you do for me, but it's also something I do for me.

My staff knows that I have their back because that's the best place to stab

them.

I'm the president. Can you confetti it?

Let's roll.

Welcome to the President's Show.

We've got a great one tonight. Later, I'll be talking to Dr.

Michael Eric Dyson. And if it goes well, he might become my third black friend.

With me, as always, is my vice president, Mike Pence.

Hello?

Very happy to be here, sir. I really missed you when you were out of the

country. No, you didn't. What?

You were in here all the time, sitting at the desk, pretending to be me.

No, sir. No, I would never do that. I have a nanny cam, Mike.

Oh, well, I mean... Roll it, Dre.

No, no, no, no, no, no. You listen to me. You tell that turtle dick McConnell

he can't find 51 votes to defund Planned Parenthood, I will find them up his

ass. He won't have a shell to shit in. Woo!

I'll see you in hell.

Yeah, come on. I'm the president.

What?

Ah!

Bring it, bring it, bring it, bring it. Milk, where is it?

Mikey P could get used to this.

Mike, where's that guy?

Just biding his time, sir.

Mike, have you noticed it's a little empty around here these days? Yeah. Oh,

that's right. Yeah.

On Monday, we lost our White House communications director.

He resigned, which is great for morale.

People do their best work. When they're terrified, they're going to lose their

jobs. So it's time to give my White House staff a little shake up.

Here's the White House org chart.

I love it because it revolves around me.

I like to move people in or out of my circle based on when I last took a nap.

Now first, we have Jared Kushner.

Jared's a vindictive little wart who thought his sneaky New York real estate

tactics would make him a player on the world stage.

Just like me.

But this Russian back channel thing could take him down, which could take me

down. So, with all due respect, I'm moving Sweet Jared out of my inner

circle.

Lock him up.

Lock him up.

Now he knows how my real sons feel.

And I know how the people at Subway feel.

It's very difficult to get rid of a Jared.

Mike? Yes, sir. You know who I'm loving right now? I don't know, sir. Hope

Hicks. Hope Hicks. My director of strategic communications.

She issued a statement the other day saying, I exude an infectious positive

energy. I'm brilliant with a great sense of humor, and I make people aspire to

be more than they ever thought possible.

Isn't that beautiful?

She sent it out just like I wrote it. I mean,

how she wrote it.

I, who cares? I wrote it. Doesn't matter.

So, Hope floats right into my inner circle.

There we go, Hope.

Get it, girl.

Now, who's next? Who's next here?

Reince. Reince Priebus.

Oh, boy, this guy. I am not happy with Reince Priebus.

He's my queef of staff.

He has the easiest job in the world, managing a petulant rageaholic who's

terrified of reality.

But he's blowing it.

I like to tease old Reince from time to time that I'm going to fire him and send

him to be ambassador to Greece.

So here's your send -off, Reince.

There we go.

It's all Greek to you.

Up next,

my sweet, dear daughter, Ivanka.

Ivanka is amazing at convincing the press that she's pushing me in the right

direction. She does a great job at branding herself as my moral compass.

By the way, Make sure to pick up your Ivanka brand moral compass.

Available wherever luxury non -functioning compasses are sold.

Surprise! The whole segment was an excuse to promote Ivanka's crap.

Free advertising!

Great deal.

Now, hold on a second. That's wonderful and everything, but how come my face is

all the way over there? I don't understand.

You suck!

Mike? What? You sat in my chair when I wasn't home, okay? So I put it where you

couldn't reach it, and you don't get to play with it for a week.

Okay, well... Oh,

okay. Well, we'll be right back.

Okay.

We're dividing Indiana.

The war will eventually... Welcome back.

Everyone is so worried that I pulled out of the Paris Accord, but I'm making

unbelievable international deals all the time. I do my best work on the golf

course. Just watch.

We're here at a beautiful golf course where I am golfing with an incredible

Chinese diplomat, and we're going to make such a big deal today.

Hi, how are you?

Donald Trump. Hi,

how are you?

Okay.

Hello, I'm the vice president. I can't shake your hand. No, I can't touch one.

That's one of his weird Jesus rules.

Okay. What's this guy's name anyway, huh?

Li Tianming.

I'll call you Timmy. Perfect, Timmy. So are you Timmy's caddy?

I'm his translator.

Oh, well, great.

All right, Mike, you're taking both the bags.

Timmy, you're with me. Get in there. Get in there. Sit down.

You speak any English?

We're going to nuke you guys.

Okay, good.

Good, sir.

Yeah, nice. Nice job.

Nice job. Good job.

To play golf like that?

Imagine how he's going to negotiate.

Look at that. Right on the green. That's a shot. So anyway, the purge.

So incredible.

One night a year, they get to kill anybody they want.

I don't know. There's other movies I like. I love Jackie Chan. I don't know

you've been watching Feud on FX.

Great story about two elderly women arguing with each other.

And they get put to death at the end, which is my favorite part.

He wants to discuss Chinese -American trade and not movies. We're going to get

to that. We're going to get to that. But The Purge is so much fun.

I cry at night all the time. And it's uncontrollable. Are you sure you're

negotiating properly?

We'll get to the negotiation.

There we go.

That's right. There we go. This guy right here. This guy right here. This

right here.

What are we going to do? Who are we going to bomb first?

I think we should bomb the Middle East. The whole thing. The whole thing. And

use their asses as lighting for their plane. So we could use their lit up

and then guide all the planes in.

Don't you think that? And then we drop the mother of all bombs on North Korea.

It's so fantastic.

We're going to destroy everybody. We're going to kill everybody. Don't worry.

We're going to kill everyone. We'll kill everyone's families.

Wow, I got it on.

Dip it. Dip it. Dip it. Don't shake him. Do you want some juice?

No. That's never how you do it. That's never the right way to do it.

You always have to put your mouth on it, and then you suck in.

You shoot yours. You shoot yours.

Smell that.

Oh, my God. That was awful.

Mike, get the ball.

He said he would love to talk about deals with you. Yeah, we're totally

talk about deals. It's going to be great.

Look at the geek.

It all comes down to this. The Chinese diplomat and I have spent a rigorous 18

holes negotiating Chinese -American trade relations. And we've made an

incredible bet. If I think this putt, then I get everything I want.

And if we don't, the Chinese go home and I'm left empty -handed.

But I think I've got this one in the bag.

Ready?

Get ready to pay up.

Missed it. Nice doing business with you.

Missed it.

Don't do it, Mike.

Don't talk to me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

We finished the deal totally and completely in the favor of the United

Please, you can't leave.

Tell him you can't leave.

I need a deal. The Chinese diplomat melted like butter in the sun.

I mean, this guy was on his knees.

Please, God, please, please. I'll do whatever you want. Every Chinese

you lock up, I don't care. Have another Tiananmen Square.

You can have another Tiananmen Square.

I drove him so hard. By the end, we got everything we wanted and more.

I got money. I got money on me. I think I have money on me. I don't have any

money on me. I'll do anything.

I'm f***ing f***ed. I'm f***ing f***ed.

I've got a tongue like a little turtle that's stuck in a pond, and it won't

all the way out.

And women say they love that.

I just wanted to make a deal.

You did great. America's great again. America is totally great again.

Mission accomplished.

We'll be right back.

And I love it. I love it all. I love so much. I love soul music.

I'm here at beautiful Mar -a -Lago.

My guest tonight is professor of sociology at Georgetown University and

author of the book, Tears We Cannot Stop, A Sermon to White America.

Please welcome Dr.

Michael Eric Dyson.

Yeah, your book is called Tears We Cannot Stop, A Sermon on White America.

Isn't it redundant to say white America?

No, that's part of the problem. What I argue in the book is that...

there's been a kind of convergence between whiteness and American -ness,

everybody else who's an American who's black, brown, red, or yellow is kind of

excluded. So whiteness has become identified exclusively with American

and as a result of that, it has prevented America from coming to full

and to grappling with the inequality, the social injustice, and the way in

which, even if not intentional, black, brown, red, yellow people are

marginalized and other people who are seen as white by virtue.

of their birth, and American, therefore, as a result of their whiteness, then

they end up becoming exclusively identified with what's good, and black,

red, and yellow people get identified with what's bad.

That's what I learned.

My dad, my father, and I, when we were evicting people from slums, that's what

he always said.

Right. Family business.

Do white people even consider themselves privileged, or do they just think it's

normal? Well, of course they think it's normal. It's a great question.

Of course it is.

When you're in an advantageous position, when you're being benefited, you don't

often see that you were born on third base and think you hit a triple. You

that what you did...

As a result of your own particular performance got you where you are. You

realize that you've inherited a certain kind of thing. You've inherited money.

You've inherited wealth. You've inherited the privilege of being white.

you've inherited the possibility that you don't loathe yourself because of

color. So many white people don't understand what privilege is. Look, I

many white people who come up to me and say, hey, look, bud, I don't have any

privilege. You're richer than I am. I said, here's the greatest privilege you

have as a white person. You can meet a cop on the street.

And live to tell about it. That's the greatest white privilege that one might

imagine. Yeah.

Now, the left always says that I'm racist.

But they're racist, too, right? I mean, and I'm going to love the answer.

Martin King Jr. said, look.

It is the white liberal often that sometimes because he or she is convinced

they are right, who do a greater disservice to us than those people in

We know and see them coming when they have the bigotry inscribed upon their

hearts and their bodies and their neo -Nazi beliefs.

He said, but the white liberal who thinks, oh, I have nothing to learn, may

the most infectious carrier of a virulent disease of racism that needs to

talked about. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, an applaud for that one.

I do want to ask you about individual reparations, okay? Is that like buying a

bottle of wine for you or something?

That's a good start. But look, what I mean by individual reparations is the

government should have a responsibility. To quote Martin Luther King Jr. again,

he said, look, in 1964, a nation that has done something special against the

Negro, as he called us then, as we were called, for 300 years must do something

special for them now. So reparations is a legitimate and justifiable response to

inequality. No, it ain't going to happen. The government ain't going to do

So I say to individual white brothers and sisters, you don't have to wait for

the government. This is something you can do. You can pay the lawn man who

happens to be black some extra money. You can you can look at kids as one

wrote me when they read my book. They said, I went out and took you seriously

about individual reparations. And so I got a bunch of computers that were no

longer being used, retooled them, refitted them and gave them to the local

school. And you should see the beautiful faces of African -American people. So I

think individual reparations means stuff. Studying hard.

Learning about black culture. Read James Baldwin.

Read Bell Hooks. Read Feminist Theory.

Tony Morrison. Read Tony Morrison. What a great book, A Mercy.

Every book Tony Morrison has written is amazing. But I love A Mercy.

A Mercy is great. Just because I cried at the end. Oh, my God.

One last question.

Could you please introduce me to the Congressional Black Caucus? Nobody will

it. I don't believe it's going to happen. Dr. Tyson, everybody.

What

a

great show, folks. We shook things up.

Dr. Tyson checked my privilege and I showed the Chinese who's their caddy.

Most importantly, we learned about loyalty.

It's the first thing I ask of my employees in the morning and the last

ask of my sphincter before bed.

My followers and I could have built our own country in the middle of the jungle.

But instead, we got the keys to this one.

A great man once said, there's no heaven up there.

We'll have to make a heaven down here.

Mike, say the thing.

President Trump has a magnetic personality and exudes positive energy,

infectious to those around him.

He is brilliant with a great sense of humor and an amazing ability to make

people feel special and aspire to be more than they thought possible.

That's right, my children.

That's right.

And now the country is along for the ride.

Hanging on my every typo.

Looking for meaning where there is none.

Drink the covfefe, everyone.

Drink it up.

Nice and sweet.

There you go. Make sure you get yours.

You too, honey.

Drink the covfefe.

The fruits of our labor will be seen very shortly, even more so.

Believe me.

Believe me.

Believe in me.

Bye -bye!

Great man.

Great man.