Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, the 45th and final president of the United States.

No, no, no, no,

no.

All right, all right, all right, we're here. Let's do

it, let's do it.

Mr. President, can you comment on the special prosecutor investigating your

White House?

Unbelievable. This is a total witch hunt. And not even the good kind.

Not even the good kind.

How are you able to defend sharing classified intelligence with the

Easy. Because I have lots of intelligence.

Too much intelligence.

Too much intelligence.

From our tremendous agency. The CIA.

The NSA.

The NCIS New Orleans.

You know what? Why don't we make that our theme tonight?

Intelligence.

Intelligence.

I'll need some intelligence right now.

Stanley Kubrick, a great New Yorker, helped NASA fake the moon landing.

But they filmed it on location on the moon.

So there's your lead story tomorrow.

No matter what true things you hear.

Sir, the House was talking impeachment.

Houses don't talk, you dummy.

Don't yell at me.

Russia stabs me in the back. My allies betray me.

Spicer banning Kushner rights.

No one understands my strong...

completely in control and I'm the president can you believe it

Welcome to the President's Show. Mike Pence, blah, blah, blah.

Boy, we got Deepak Chopra, whatever.

What's the problem, sir? It's been a tough week, Mike. And we lost one of the

greats today.

Roger Ailes.

A pioneer in the art of merging politics, media, and sexual harassment

allegations.

A total pig.

That'll do, pig.

That'll do.

It's all falling apart.

There's no one left who understands me.

Well, that's not true, sir. I understand you. I hold the presidency in such high

regard, sir. You know, it's the office itself, regardless of whoever it is that

sits at this precious desk.

Mike, just take the desk to dinner first, you creep.

I don't know what you're talking about, sir. I'm just... You know what?

Get out of here. No. Get him out. I don't want to talk to you either. Get

out of here. Sir, maybe I could just sit there for a little bit. Hit the bricks,

Mike. You're a weirdo. Get out.

All right. Get out.

I feel like I'll do this myself.

I'll do it myself.

Folks, I can't trust anyone.

Well, there is one man, but we haven't spoken in a long, long

time.

And there's a 1 % chance he would help me. 1 %?

Of 1 %?

Oh, boy!

Oh, boy!

Bernie Sanders!

Bernie Sanders!

My best friend!

My best friend!

My best friend!

Bernie!

Bernie! Bernie! Bernie!

Bernie! Bernie!

Ooh, is that pixie dust on your shoulder? You're so magical. No, no,

cracker crumb.

I'm so glad you're here.

You're the only one who understands me. We're so similar.

No, we're not.

Wow, you are so cool, Bernie.

Don, let me say this. And when I say that, what I mean is, I'm going to say

something.

Mr. President, respectfully, you are doing a terrible job. And I would like

drive that point home by doing a desk piece on your show where I offer you a

counterpoint to your presidency. I call it, wait for it, counterpoint.

Excuse me.

Counterpoint. Excuse me.

Counterpoint. My desk, my show. So we're just going to call it counterpoint

excuse me.

That's a terrible title for a segment.

Counsel point.

Are you tampered with the Michael Flynn investigation?

The Comey memo says that you said, quote, he's a good guy. I hope you can

this go. Unquote.

Inexcusable. Unbelievable.

Inconsolable! Undateable!

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

James Comey is lying.

I never asked him to let it go, and I absolutely never said Mike Flynn is a

guy. He's a three -star general, but a five -star asshole.

Cut the voice! You tried to obstruct justice.

And the American people deserve to read those Comey memos immediately,

preferably in a print that has a large enough font that it doesn't strain the

eyes. Ocular strain, a very underrated, you know, issue that affects a lot of

people in the population. Excuse me, Bernie.

Excuse me. Excuse me. I love you. Excuse me. Go for it.

Nobody wants to read those memos except crooked journalists, elite Hollywood

insiders, Democrats, millennials, most dads, all moms, nerds, dweebs, jocks,

stoners, and Republicans.

Not the real American people.

Wrong! Count the point! You leaked classified information to the Russians!

puss! Look at me. I never leaked anything more than a little Russian

off the side of my mouth now and then.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. What do you want? I'm the president, and if I said it, it's

declassified. I declassify everything I touch.

The White House used to be super classy, but now, totally declassified.

Look, Donald, I gotta get out of here.

I got a very exciting revote on the reappropriation of last year's

resolution of the previous year's omnibus budgetary appropriation for the

year prior to that. I got goosebumps just thinking about it.

Classic Bernie.

Knowing things and caring about them.

Of all my friends, you're the top 1 % of the top 1 % of the top

1%. Wow.

Look at that.

Bernie's disappearing.

Bye -bye, Bernie.

Bye -bye, Bernie.

You're sending off for me a beverage, numbnuts.

Bernie Sanders, everybody.

We'll be right back.

I'm as gentle as they get. So gentle.

You know, I love the Beatles.

I love the Beatles.

I'm here at beautiful Mar -a -Lago.

My guest tonight is a pioneer of integrative medicine and personal

transformation. His new book is called You Are the Universe. It's right here.

Check it out.

Please welcome Deepak Chopra.

I am so pleased. By the way, I hope you know I'm always meditating because I'm

always going like this. You have the classic mudras of self -loathing. Of

I do.

That's tremendous.

Isn't that tremendous?

I've got a mudra of self -loathing.

I don't understand Hindu.

Your book is called you are the universe and that's perfect for me because I

already know that So you say that we're all connected in the universe so does

that mean that I'm Elizabeth Warren Your shadow self might be that but

what I mean by you are the universe is that in every moment of your life The

you experience the universe every situation every circumstance every

relationship your entire world is the reflection of your self.

So you have so much self -loathing that you see the whole world.

And that's what makes you a bully.

It makes you say, there you are.

You need to heal your inner child.

You're really wounded.

Deepak, let me tell you, I take that to heart. But I take care of my inner child

all the time. I know.

I play.

I play with toy trucks. I do Lego.

I have four juice boxes a day.

And I eat all the Burger King I want on Sunday if Mike lets me.

Now, you meditate for two hours every morning. Why do you feel the need to do

that? I think self -reflection, meditation, getting in touch with

ultimately.

makes you a spectator of your own thoughts, your own behavior, which you

need to do. If you became a spectator of your behavior, you would slowly

transform. Slowly, though. I am a spectator. I am a spectator of my

watch myself on TV.

In fact, whenever I sleep with a woman, I make her watch a tape of me on Donahue

that I have.

And that's true.

That's true.

You know that's true.

You know it's true.

What are your suggestions for Trump -related stress for all the people who

terrified by me?

Is there anyone who is not?

I think even I, I'm very calm. I never get upset.

But you're upsetting me right now.

I am upset at you right now.

With the same usual childlike belligerence and lack of self

-esteem. You're extremely narcissistic.

Yeah. But at the same time, you have no self -esteem. You're looking for

validation, for approval. What you need is love.

I love you, Donald.

I'm not. No. No.

You wondered in a tweet whether I was brain impaired.

Now that you've met me, what do you think?

I think it might be a good idea for you to have a brain scan, an MRI,

just for your own safety and the safety of the world.

It's not a bad idea. It would restore confidence if it came out normal.

That's perfect.

Deepak Chopra, everybody!

Thank you, Deepak.

Welcome back. Welcome

back. During the break, Deepak and I were

talking, and he thinks he can help me meditate.

So what do I need to do?

Just close your eyes, put your attention here, and ask yourself, who

am I?

Who am I?

Who am I?

Who am I?

Stay back.

Mike?

Great.

Unbelievable.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. I'm trapped in my own mind.

Could somebody help me get out of here?

you are me you

are teeth in hair

you are a lie

you are vile you are evil you are a liar

are not special.

I die.

You are one of us.

We are all the same.

Who is the person you hate?

It is me.

Who are the ones you attack?

They are me.

Who are the ones you fear?

I fear myself We are all the same We are all the same

We are all the same We are all the same

We are all the same We

are all the same I am not special

I'm so, so sorry for who I am.

Well, Mr.

President, what did you learn about yourself?

Nothing. Nothing happened.

You blew it, Deepak. We'll be right back.

What a great show.

I made Bernie my bro.

I went brain -o to brain -o with Deepak Chopra.

And most importantly, I took a long, hard look inside myself.

And I saw what I always see.

Me coming out on top.

It's the story I tell myself no matter what is actually happening.

I live moment to moment.

Doing two things.

Trying to win whatever conversation I'm in.

And I can't remember how I started this sentence.

Do you want intelligence?

Here's the top, top super secret.

There is no master plan.

I'm not playing three -dimensional chess.

I'm not even playing two -dimensional Candyland.

I'm just one sad old man in way over his head.

I'm tired.

Anybody still here?

Spicer, Bannon, Kushner, Reince?

I guess they went home.

That's okay.

They'll all be back tomorrow.

And we'll be back on top.

I'm fine.

Nobody worry about me.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm the president.

I can't believe it.

Good night.

Thank you.