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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,700 Ladies and gentlemen, the 45th and final president of the United States. 2 00:00:05,080 --> 00:00:07,780 No, no, no, no, 3 00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:10,200 no. 4 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:23,880 All right, all right, all right, we're here. Let's do 5 00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:24,880 it, let's do it. 6 00:00:25,120 --> 00:00:28,200 Mr. President, can you comment on the special prosecutor investigating your 7 00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:28,799 White House? 8 00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:33,280 Unbelievable. This is a total witch hunt. And not even the good kind. 9 00:00:33,540 --> 00:00:34,640 Not even the good kind. 10 00:00:35,660 --> 00:00:39,360 How are you able to defend sharing classified intelligence with the 11 00:00:39,620 --> 00:00:42,120 Easy. Because I have lots of intelligence. 12 00:00:42,620 --> 00:00:43,740 Too much intelligence. 13 00:00:44,420 --> 00:00:45,640 Too much intelligence. 14 00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:48,920 From our tremendous agency. The CIA. 15 00:00:49,140 --> 00:00:50,140 The NSA. 16 00:00:50,540 --> 00:00:52,700 The NCIS New Orleans. 17 00:00:55,310 --> 00:00:57,810 You know what? Why don't we make that our theme tonight? 18 00:00:58,210 --> 00:00:59,210 Intelligence. 19 00:00:59,630 --> 00:01:00,630 Intelligence. 20 00:01:01,130 --> 00:01:03,130 I'll need some intelligence right now. 21 00:01:03,770 --> 00:01:09,550 Stanley Kubrick, a great New Yorker, helped NASA fake the moon landing. 22 00:01:10,810 --> 00:01:15,350 But they filmed it on location on the moon. 23 00:01:16,450 --> 00:01:18,470 So there's your lead story tomorrow. 24 00:01:18,670 --> 00:01:22,130 No matter what true things you hear. 25 00:01:22,940 --> 00:01:24,680 Sir, the House was talking impeachment. 26 00:01:25,180 --> 00:01:26,580 Houses don't talk, you dummy. 27 00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:31,400 Don't yell at me. 28 00:01:31,900 --> 00:01:35,600 Russia stabs me in the back. My allies betray me. 29 00:01:35,840 --> 00:01:38,280 Spicer banning Kushner rights. 30 00:01:39,460 --> 00:01:42,540 No one understands my strong... 31 00:01:55,950 --> 00:02:02,110 completely in control and I'm the president can you believe it 32 00:02:44,100 --> 00:02:47,740 Welcome to the President's Show. Mike Pence, blah, blah, blah. 33 00:02:48,460 --> 00:02:50,780 Boy, we got Deepak Chopra, whatever. 34 00:02:51,680 --> 00:02:56,320 What's the problem, sir? It's been a tough week, Mike. And we lost one of the 35 00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:57,320 greats today. 36 00:02:57,420 --> 00:02:58,680 Roger Ailes. 37 00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:05,080 A pioneer in the art of merging politics, media, and sexual harassment 38 00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:06,080 allegations. 39 00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:08,200 A total pig. 40 00:03:09,460 --> 00:03:10,460 That'll do, pig. 41 00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:12,680 That'll do. 42 00:03:15,150 --> 00:03:16,450 It's all falling apart. 43 00:03:17,430 --> 00:03:19,730 There's no one left who understands me. 44 00:03:19,970 --> 00:03:25,550 Well, that's not true, sir. I understand you. I hold the presidency in such high 45 00:03:25,550 --> 00:03:32,030 regard, sir. You know, it's the office itself, regardless of whoever it is that 46 00:03:32,030 --> 00:03:34,310 sits at this precious desk. 47 00:03:34,930 --> 00:03:38,910 Mike, just take the desk to dinner first, you creep. 48 00:03:39,350 --> 00:03:42,550 I don't know what you're talking about, sir. I'm just... You know what? 49 00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:46,260 Get out of here. No. Get him out. I don't want to talk to you either. Get 50 00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:49,220 out of here. Sir, maybe I could just sit there for a little bit. Hit the bricks, 51 00:03:49,300 --> 00:03:50,820 Mike. You're a weirdo. Get out. 52 00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:52,520 All right. Get out. 53 00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:55,540 I feel like I'll do this myself. 54 00:03:57,100 --> 00:03:58,100 I'll do it myself. 55 00:04:00,220 --> 00:04:02,000 Folks, I can't trust anyone. 56 00:04:03,260 --> 00:04:09,920 Well, there is one man, but we haven't spoken in a long, long 57 00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:10,920 time. 58 00:04:11,950 --> 00:04:15,530 And there's a 1 % chance he would help me. 1 %? 59 00:04:15,910 --> 00:04:17,450 Of 1 %? 60 00:04:17,730 --> 00:04:18,730 Oh, boy! 61 00:04:19,029 --> 00:04:20,190 Oh, boy! 62 00:04:21,269 --> 00:04:22,750 Bernie Sanders! 63 00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:24,130 Bernie Sanders! 64 00:04:24,630 --> 00:04:26,250 My best friend! 65 00:04:26,690 --> 00:04:28,710 My best friend! 66 00:04:28,950 --> 00:04:30,530 My best friend! 67 00:04:32,030 --> 00:04:33,030 Bernie! 68 00:04:35,270 --> 00:04:36,470 Bernie! Bernie! Bernie! 69 00:04:36,790 --> 00:04:37,910 Bernie! Bernie! 70 00:04:39,790 --> 00:04:43,930 Ooh, is that pixie dust on your shoulder? You're so magical. No, no, 71 00:04:43,930 --> 00:04:44,930 cracker crumb. 72 00:04:46,170 --> 00:04:48,010 I'm so glad you're here. 73 00:04:48,730 --> 00:04:51,630 You're the only one who understands me. We're so similar. 74 00:04:51,850 --> 00:04:52,850 No, we're not. 75 00:04:53,970 --> 00:04:56,610 Wow, you are so cool, Bernie. 76 00:04:57,170 --> 00:05:01,770 Don, let me say this. And when I say that, what I mean is, I'm going to say 77 00:05:01,770 --> 00:05:02,770 something. 78 00:05:04,070 --> 00:05:10,110 Mr. President, respectfully, you are doing a terrible job. And I would like 79 00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:14,730 drive that point home by doing a desk piece on your show where I offer you a 80 00:05:14,730 --> 00:05:19,230 counterpoint to your presidency. I call it, wait for it, counterpoint. 81 00:05:20,650 --> 00:05:21,650 Excuse me. 82 00:05:21,930 --> 00:05:23,390 Counterpoint. Excuse me. 83 00:05:23,730 --> 00:05:28,710 Counterpoint. My desk, my show. So we're just going to call it counterpoint 84 00:05:28,710 --> 00:05:29,710 excuse me. 85 00:05:31,390 --> 00:05:33,710 That's a terrible title for a segment. 86 00:05:37,890 --> 00:05:42,590 Counsel point. 87 00:05:43,130 --> 00:05:45,910 Are you tampered with the Michael Flynn investigation? 88 00:05:46,430 --> 00:05:51,390 The Comey memo says that you said, quote, he's a good guy. I hope you can 89 00:05:51,390 --> 00:05:52,390 this go. Unquote. 90 00:05:53,150 --> 00:05:54,390 Inexcusable. Unbelievable. 91 00:05:55,500 --> 00:05:57,380 Inconsolable! Undateable! 92 00:05:58,420 --> 00:06:04,540 Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. 93 00:06:06,140 --> 00:06:08,240 James Comey is lying. 94 00:06:08,460 --> 00:06:13,620 I never asked him to let it go, and I absolutely never said Mike Flynn is a 95 00:06:13,620 --> 00:06:17,080 guy. He's a three -star general, but a five -star asshole. 96 00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:22,420 Cut the voice! You tried to obstruct justice. 97 00:06:22,860 --> 00:06:26,180 And the American people deserve to read those Comey memos immediately, 98 00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:31,860 preferably in a print that has a large enough font that it doesn't strain the 99 00:06:31,860 --> 00:06:36,520 eyes. Ocular strain, a very underrated, you know, issue that affects a lot of 100 00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:38,480 people in the population. Excuse me, Bernie. 101 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:43,100 Excuse me. Excuse me. I love you. Excuse me. Go for it. 102 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:49,260 Nobody wants to read those memos except crooked journalists, elite Hollywood 103 00:06:49,260 --> 00:06:54,040 insiders, Democrats, millennials, most dads, all moms, nerds, dweebs, jocks, 104 00:06:54,060 --> 00:06:55,060 stoners, and Republicans. 105 00:06:55,340 --> 00:06:58,280 Not the real American people. 106 00:06:59,020 --> 00:07:04,340 Wrong! Count the point! You leaked classified information to the Russians! 107 00:07:04,340 --> 00:07:08,860 puss! Look at me. I never leaked anything more than a little Russian 108 00:07:08,860 --> 00:07:10,400 off the side of my mouth now and then. 109 00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:12,080 Excuse me. 110 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:16,660 Excuse me. What do you want? I'm the president, and if I said it, it's 111 00:07:16,660 --> 00:07:20,300 declassified. I declassify everything I touch. 112 00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:29,980 The White House used to be super classy, but now, totally declassified. 113 00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:32,720 Look, Donald, I gotta get out of here. 114 00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:37,160 I got a very exciting revote on the reappropriation of last year's 115 00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:42,560 resolution of the previous year's omnibus budgetary appropriation for the 116 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:46,120 year prior to that. I got goosebumps just thinking about it. 117 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:49,440 Classic Bernie. 118 00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:52,340 Knowing things and caring about them. 119 00:07:53,550 --> 00:07:59,910 Of all my friends, you're the top 1 % of the top 1 % of the top 120 00:07:59,910 --> 00:08:02,950 1%. Wow. 121 00:08:04,230 --> 00:08:05,390 Look at that. 122 00:08:05,750 --> 00:08:06,890 Bernie's disappearing. 123 00:08:07,450 --> 00:08:08,730 Bye -bye, Bernie. 124 00:08:09,050 --> 00:08:10,410 Bye -bye, Bernie. 125 00:08:11,090 --> 00:08:14,150 You're sending off for me a beverage, numbnuts. 126 00:08:14,790 --> 00:08:16,550 Bernie Sanders, everybody. 127 00:08:16,790 --> 00:08:18,610 We'll be right back. 128 00:08:30,990 --> 00:08:33,570 I'm as gentle as they get. So gentle. 129 00:08:34,929 --> 00:08:37,330 You know, I love the Beatles. 130 00:08:37,730 --> 00:08:38,950 I love the Beatles. 131 00:08:39,710 --> 00:08:41,990 I'm here at beautiful Mar -a -Lago. 132 00:08:43,230 --> 00:08:48,750 My guest tonight is a pioneer of integrative medicine and personal 133 00:08:48,750 --> 00:08:54,990 transformation. His new book is called You Are the Universe. It's right here. 134 00:08:55,090 --> 00:08:56,009 Check it out. 135 00:08:56,010 --> 00:08:58,390 Please welcome Deepak Chopra. 136 00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:15,140 I am so pleased. By the way, I hope you know I'm always meditating because I'm 137 00:09:15,140 --> 00:09:20,880 always going like this. You have the classic mudras of self -loathing. Of 138 00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:21,880 I do. 139 00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:23,160 That's tremendous. 140 00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:24,280 Isn't that tremendous? 141 00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:26,240 I've got a mudra of self -loathing. 142 00:09:26,580 --> 00:09:28,520 I don't understand Hindu. 143 00:09:31,500 --> 00:09:35,980 Your book is called you are the universe and that's perfect for me because I 144 00:09:35,980 --> 00:09:41,360 already know that So you say that we're all connected in the universe so does 145 00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:48,300 that mean that I'm Elizabeth Warren Your shadow self might be that but 146 00:09:48,300 --> 00:09:53,340 what I mean by you are the universe is that in every moment of your life The 147 00:09:53,340 --> 00:09:57,880 you experience the universe every situation every circumstance every 148 00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:02,820 relationship your entire world is the reflection of your self. 149 00:10:03,180 --> 00:10:08,660 So you have so much self -loathing that you see the whole world. 150 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:10,900 And that's what makes you a bully. 151 00:10:11,420 --> 00:10:15,200 It makes you say, there you are. 152 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:19,140 You need to heal your inner child. 153 00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:20,960 You're really wounded. 154 00:10:22,260 --> 00:10:27,300 Deepak, let me tell you, I take that to heart. But I take care of my inner child 155 00:10:27,300 --> 00:10:28,800 all the time. I know. 156 00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:30,160 I play. 157 00:10:31,370 --> 00:10:34,190 I play with toy trucks. I do Lego. 158 00:10:34,950 --> 00:10:39,070 I have four juice boxes a day. 159 00:10:40,030 --> 00:10:43,730 And I eat all the Burger King I want on Sunday if Mike lets me. 160 00:10:47,570 --> 00:10:52,310 Now, you meditate for two hours every morning. Why do you feel the need to do 161 00:10:52,310 --> 00:10:57,230 that? I think self -reflection, meditation, getting in touch with 162 00:10:57,230 --> 00:10:58,230 ultimately. 163 00:10:59,150 --> 00:11:04,570 makes you a spectator of your own thoughts, your own behavior, which you 164 00:11:04,570 --> 00:11:09,250 need to do. If you became a spectator of your behavior, you would slowly 165 00:11:09,250 --> 00:11:13,830 transform. Slowly, though. I am a spectator. I am a spectator of my 166 00:11:13,830 --> 00:11:15,110 watch myself on TV. 167 00:11:15,470 --> 00:11:20,490 In fact, whenever I sleep with a woman, I make her watch a tape of me on Donahue 168 00:11:20,490 --> 00:11:21,490 that I have. 169 00:11:22,110 --> 00:11:23,230 And that's true. 170 00:11:23,810 --> 00:11:24,810 That's true. 171 00:11:25,250 --> 00:11:26,770 You know that's true. 172 00:11:26,990 --> 00:11:28,370 You know it's true. 173 00:11:29,580 --> 00:11:33,700 What are your suggestions for Trump -related stress for all the people who 174 00:11:33,700 --> 00:11:34,820 terrified by me? 175 00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:39,940 Is there anyone who is not? 176 00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:52,840 I think even I, I'm very calm. I never get upset. 177 00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:56,200 But you're upsetting me right now. 178 00:11:57,310 --> 00:11:58,930 I am upset at you right now. 179 00:11:59,150 --> 00:12:06,050 With the same usual childlike belligerence and lack of self 180 00:12:06,050 --> 00:12:08,230 -esteem. You're extremely narcissistic. 181 00:12:08,450 --> 00:12:12,350 Yeah. But at the same time, you have no self -esteem. You're looking for 182 00:12:12,350 --> 00:12:15,210 validation, for approval. What you need is love. 183 00:12:16,250 --> 00:12:22,230 I love you, Donald. 184 00:12:24,190 --> 00:12:25,650 I'm not. No. No. 185 00:12:28,650 --> 00:12:31,670 You wondered in a tweet whether I was brain impaired. 186 00:12:32,810 --> 00:12:35,230 Now that you've met me, what do you think? 187 00:12:36,310 --> 00:12:42,750 I think it might be a good idea for you to have a brain scan, an MRI, 188 00:12:43,030 --> 00:12:47,030 just for your own safety and the safety of the world. 189 00:12:47,570 --> 00:12:51,350 It's not a bad idea. It would restore confidence if it came out normal. 190 00:12:51,650 --> 00:12:52,650 That's perfect. 191 00:12:52,870 --> 00:12:54,370 Deepak Chopra, everybody! 192 00:12:56,140 --> 00:12:57,520 Thank you, Deepak. 193 00:12:57,740 --> 00:13:03,800 Welcome back. Welcome 194 00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:10,480 back. During the break, Deepak and I were 195 00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:12,540 talking, and he thinks he can help me meditate. 196 00:13:12,980 --> 00:13:14,560 So what do I need to do? 197 00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:21,980 Just close your eyes, put your attention here, and ask yourself, who 198 00:13:21,980 --> 00:13:22,980 am I? 199 00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:24,540 Who am I? 200 00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:26,970 Who am I? 201 00:13:28,050 --> 00:13:29,350 Who am I? 202 00:13:36,090 --> 00:13:37,090 Stay back. 203 00:13:38,590 --> 00:13:39,590 Mike? 204 00:13:42,170 --> 00:13:43,170 Great. 205 00:13:44,510 --> 00:13:45,510 Unbelievable. 206 00:13:46,490 --> 00:13:47,690 Excuse me. 207 00:13:48,550 --> 00:13:51,170 Excuse me. I'm trapped in my own mind. 208 00:13:51,930 --> 00:13:54,190 Could somebody help me get out of here? 209 00:15:17,420 --> 00:15:23,440 you are me you 210 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:25,520 are teeth in hair 211 00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:32,200 you are a lie 212 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:38,060 you are vile you are evil you are a liar 213 00:15:47,150 --> 00:15:48,290 are not special. 214 00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:16,720 I die. 215 00:17:29,660 --> 00:17:31,900 You are one of us. 216 00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:35,040 We are all the same. 217 00:17:35,580 --> 00:17:37,760 Who is the person you hate? 218 00:17:38,620 --> 00:17:40,060 It is me. 219 00:17:40,740 --> 00:17:42,820 Who are the ones you attack? 220 00:17:43,420 --> 00:17:44,700 They are me. 221 00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:47,960 Who are the ones you fear? 222 00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:55,200 I fear myself We are all the same We are all the same 223 00:17:55,200 --> 00:18:00,420 We are all the same We are all the same 224 00:18:00,420 --> 00:18:07,400 We are all the same We 225 00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:12,380 are all the same I am not special 226 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:19,940 I'm so, so sorry for who I am. 227 00:18:25,940 --> 00:18:27,440 Well, Mr. 228 00:18:27,700 --> 00:18:31,220 President, what did you learn about yourself? 229 00:18:31,700 --> 00:18:32,960 Nothing. Nothing happened. 230 00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:37,780 You blew it, Deepak. We'll be right back. 231 00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:49,280 What a great show. 232 00:18:49,980 --> 00:18:51,940 I made Bernie my bro. 233 00:18:52,540 --> 00:18:56,000 I went brain -o to brain -o with Deepak Chopra. 234 00:18:56,800 --> 00:19:01,480 And most importantly, I took a long, hard look inside myself. 235 00:19:02,300 --> 00:19:04,740 And I saw what I always see. 236 00:19:05,260 --> 00:19:07,200 Me coming out on top. 237 00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:13,500 It's the story I tell myself no matter what is actually happening. 238 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:16,360 I live moment to moment. 239 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:17,920 Doing two things. 240 00:19:18,380 --> 00:19:21,360 Trying to win whatever conversation I'm in. 241 00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:25,560 And I can't remember how I started this sentence. 242 00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:34,300 Do you want intelligence? 243 00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:37,660 Here's the top, top super secret. 244 00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:40,220 There is no master plan. 245 00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:44,040 I'm not playing three -dimensional chess. 246 00:19:44,970 --> 00:19:48,050 I'm not even playing two -dimensional Candyland. 247 00:19:50,090 --> 00:19:56,010 I'm just one sad old man in way over his head. 248 00:19:57,310 --> 00:19:58,330 I'm tired. 249 00:20:00,090 --> 00:20:01,690 Anybody still here? 250 00:20:03,450 --> 00:20:07,630 Spicer, Bannon, Kushner, Reince? 251 00:20:08,390 --> 00:20:10,210 I guess they went home. 252 00:20:10,890 --> 00:20:11,910 That's okay. 253 00:20:12,650 --> 00:20:14,090 They'll all be back tomorrow. 254 00:20:15,050 --> 00:20:17,370 And we'll be back on top. 255 00:20:19,490 --> 00:20:20,590 I'm fine. 256 00:20:21,610 --> 00:20:23,610 Nobody worry about me. 257 00:20:24,650 --> 00:20:25,770 I'm fine. 258 00:20:27,050 --> 00:20:28,050 I'm fine. 259 00:20:29,370 --> 00:20:30,770 I'm the president. 260 00:20:31,350 --> 00:20:33,290 I can't believe it. 261 00:20:34,610 --> 00:20:35,650 Good night. 262 00:20:53,330 --> 00:20:56,130 Thank you. 18778