Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, the 45th and final president of the United States.

Good evening.

Good evening.

What a week this was for me.

I have to talk about the big story, the thing that is on everybody's mind.

Mother's Day.

It's this Sunday. So go home. Spend some time with your mother.

Unplug your TV and throw your phone in the toilet. That's the show. Thank you

much. Good night. Mr. President, can you comment on the timing of your decision

to fire James Comey? I don't know the timing during Judge Judy.

Yesterday, the White House. said you were acting on Deputy Attorney General

Rosenstein's advice.

Today you're saying it was your decision. Excuse me. Excuse me. I'm

answer you.

It was totally my decision.

But it was 100 % Rod Rosenstein's fault.

Blame him. Thank me. And you're welcome.

You again? Do you really expect us to believe you fired Comey because he was

unfair to Hillary Clinton?

Yeah, yeah, that's it. That's why.

She had it so rough between balancing Parkinson's disease and... It's true.

true, folks.

It's true.

And managing Pizzagate, Crooked Hillary deserves a break.

Plus, she's a mother.

And that's our theme tonight. And the only thing I want to talk about.

Mother!

And I add one of the best ones, Mary Trump, a woman you might remember

outside of the key foods in Hollis, Queens.

I love my mother so much that I put her in one of my incredible apartment

complexes. I call it my mother complex.

And it's still there to this very day.

Donnie, Donnie, me boy.

Why don't you tell the truth?

Mother, is that you?

The walls are closing in, Johnny. We all know what you did with the Russians.

Shut up!

We didn't say anything.

Okay, well, good. Keep it that way.

Comey's out and mothers are in. I'm the president. Can you believe it?

Let's roll!

My friends, everybody.

My friends.

My friends.

Well, thank you so much.

Tremendous.

Tremendous. Welcome to The President Show.

Later on, we'll be talking to co -founder of the Women's March on

Linda Sarsour.

I can't figure out why she agreed to do the show, but maybe she'll tell me.

Now, Mike.

I hope you remembered that it's Mother's Day this weekend.

You know, sir, I don't know if you know this, but I actually call my wife

Mother.

You know, I have my mother, who's my mother, and then my wife, who I just

her Mother. Okay.

That's gross, Mike. Just stop talking about this.

Okie dokie. God damn it!

Oh, no.

Sir, is that what I think it is? Yes, it's a pile of silk neckties that I got

from Moscow. Now, quick, we gotta throw something over them. Oh, no.

You mean you want me to help you cover up your Russian ties?

Yeah, Mike.

Yes.

You've got to help me cover up my Russian ties.

But, sir, sir, they're dirty, and one of us needs to keep our hands clean. Mike,

we agreed. When I made you vice president, you said if anybody started

at my Russian ties, you'd help me cover them up. Well, I didn't know it would be

like this.

Enough with the choir boy bull.

This choir boy bull.

Help get you elected.

Listen, you gotta hide these before the agents from the Fashion Boys Institute

get here.

That's right.

The FBI.

If the FBI finds my Russian ties, they'll start asking about Ivanka's

companies. What? Her shell company? Her seashell companies, Mike.

She sells seashells down by the seashore.

It's a cash business, and I can't have the IRS finding out about that.

Right. The International Respecters of Shellfish. No, you dummy. The Internal

Revenue Service. Oh, right. Take care of it. You got it, sir. Okay.

Boy, oh boy, Mike.

You won't know.

You will never know what I've done.

The messes I've made.

The compromises that I've compromised.

This whole thing goes a lot deeper than just Russian ties.

Oh my God, I'm doing a TV show.

Everybody knows I'm a successful businessman and a totally legitimate

of the United States.

But let's not forget, I'm also a friendless old guy who likes to scream

TV.

So here's a new segment called Screaming at the TV!

Okay, let's see what I'm going to scream at today.

Let's just get your reaction, first of all, to the firing of Jim Comey, the way

it was done, and the timing of when it was done.

Well, for a guy who likes to claim how classy he is, President Trump really did

it in a low -class way.

Low -class?

I'm the most classy. I was going to take a dump in a Ziploc bag and throw it

over Comey's fence.

But I didn't. I didn't. The crooked media won't even report that.

Time to click the clicker. It's a grotesque abuse of power by the

the United States. This is the kind of thing that goes on in non -democracies.

Wrong.

Totally wrong.

How is this not a democracy?

Toobin, I swear, I'm going to tell my assistant, who's also my daughter, to

my personal security guy, who's also my government security guy, to throw you in

a private prison run by my campaign donors.

Non -democratic my ass.

Good for you.

What's another piece of trash I can't stop watching?

One aide reportedly tells Politico that President Trump even screamed at some of

the TV reports. He's furious. He's yelling at the TV. He yells at the TV.

the president would scream at the television.

I'm not going to give them the satisfaction.

I'm not going to give them the satisfaction.

Well done, sir.

More TV.

Ping.

I'm sorry. No, no, no. He's the attorney general. No, no, no. You interrupted

me. I will finish my point. This is not about. Mr. Cuccinelli. No, no, no.

You're getting my point.

You know what? I don't like it either. I don't want to do it. You want to

interrupt me? I'll interrupt you. Let's do it. This is fun, Mark. Let's yell at

each other.

Everybody do it. Everybody do it. I don't want to do it. You do it. Let's do

Everyone at home. Everyone at home. Scream to your TV.

Never stop screaming.

I'm mad as hell. And we'll be right back.

welcome back everybody's asking me why i fired james comey which means it's a

great day for a photo op with kids take a look

Wow. Unbelievable.

What an incredible crowd. What great little kids.

I wanted to come here because education is so important.

And we want to make sure that school is good for you. We think you guys can go

without lunch. You don't need lunch. You know you don't need lunch.

And we want to shorten the school day because we can't afford to fund the

schools. All right. Great. All right. Well, such fun. Wonderful kids.

Okay, Bridget, I'm done. Let's go.

Thank you so much.

Wonderful time. Great time. Sir, remember you're supposed to read to the

All right, let's read this.

This is an incredible book called The Art of the Deal.

I filmed this book cover in a forest.

Look at that guy. So handsome.

I called.

Ivan Boski.

Boski's an arbitrageur. My idea is to hire Steve Rubell and Ian Schrager. You

guys know who they are. The creators of Studio 54 and the Palladium.

What is it, kid?

Who are they?

They are incredible real estate guys who own Studio 54, and that's a place where

you could do anything.

Yeah, what the heck is that? Fake children.

Fake children. Fake children.

Play with the kids?

Yeah, they're fun.

What's fun about them?

Now, first off, you're the foreman, okay?

You're the chief electrician. Now, this is the contractor, okay?

Now, this guy, he's going to want to take a kickback for everything you do.

Now, bring me three yellow ones.

The yellows are the illegals that we hire to do the job that the guys that

at the conference.

And that's the way to treat an illegal, just throw them right on them.

So these guys are going to do the work. The foreman's going to get a kickback,

but he's going to have to pay the mob guys. Now, the mob guys, they talk to

okay? Only me.

This is what's so much fun about building. Are you kidding me? Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Let's build it bigger.

But this is fine. We can claim insurance on that. See, now, we can just claim a

bankruptcy against the construction cost.

Then we can sue to lower the cost, make $40 million off a building we don't even

build. Then take my name and just slap it on the front of this building. We

don't even need to construct it. And that's how business works.

Now, I'm thinking about creating a mass deportation program where we're going to

take people who are illegal immigrants, separate them from their families, and

ship them to other countries. What do you think of that?

No, don't do that. You couldn't take them away from their parents?

What do I do about that?

Well, you could just keep them here. Sir, do you want to go, or are you...

Excuse me?

Mike, get out of here.

Where may he be?

Sorry, sir. Sorry.

Unbelievable.

You know, you got to have a best friend, right? Boy, they can get on your

nerves. You know what I mean?

Mike's always like, sir, this, sir, that. Oh, sir, don't do that. Sir, sir,

your pants up. Sir, can I?

All right, good.

Maybe you'll take the note.

Anyway, I want to give you a friendship bracelet that I've made for you.

Annabelle, I give you this friendship bracelet because you're now my new best

friend and my only best friend in the world.

Everybody else,

including the last person I was talking to, is no longer my best friend.

Yes, sir.

Red light, green light. One, two, three. Red light!

Green light.

Red light!

Watch it, kid.

There we go.

Sir,

we have to get going.

What? We have to get going, sir. I don't want to go. I know, but it's time to

go. I don't want to go. It's time to go. I don't want to go. It's time to go. I

don't want to go.

I know you're having fun, but it's time to go. Come on. Let's go.

Let's go.

Give the ball to someone else.

Give the ball to someone else.

Give the ball to someone else. Mr.

President, give the ball to someone else.

Give it to someone else.

It's okay. It's okay.

It's okay. We have to talk to the president of Argentina.

Let's go.

We have to talk to the president of Argentina.

see that. That didn't happen. Thank you very much.

Bye!

See? You didn't think about calling me for five minutes.

We'll be right back!

They were down 7 .5 points. And I won. I won so big.

I'm here at beautiful Mar -a -Lago.

Look at it.

My guest tonight is a Palestinian -American activist, co -chair of the

March on Washington. Didn't like that.

And co -founder of Empower Change. Please welcome Linda Sarsour.

Linda, how do you balance being a Muslim and being a feminist? Because they're

two totally separate things. They're not connected at all.

My body's connected.

My arms are connected to my shoulders.

Absolutely can be a Muslim and a feminist. And I helped organize the

single day protest to protest you on the second day.

I don't know if you know this, but we had the largest attendance of white

at my inauguration.

We had more white tarps than anybody else. That was true. You talk to me when

you organize a white tarp march.

Good point. And now you talk about something called intersectionality. Now,

we have to create a new bathroom for that?

Intersectionality, Donald, just means that we're organizing across issues.

Climate justice, racial justice, religious freedom issues, LGBTQIA

Things that you don't kind of agree with. But we do it all together.

I'm religious. I love to book a job.

Now, don't you think that there's a problem that extends beyond political

or ideology in portraying Muslims as somehow rudimentary or violent or

other in a way that extends to commentary from the left talking about

needing to take responsibility for terrorist acts or on the right using

a way.

to criticize female treatment in Muslim countries when we actually are trying to

kill women here by having a health care bill that basically takes out

people's... Oh, I'm fine with that part of the bill.

I mean, look, Donald, Muslims, we're about 5 million people who live here in

United States of America. We're less than 1 % of the population. We work, we

to school, we have careers, we...

Some of us golf, too, you know.

We're just everybody else. And when a terrorist attack happens, outrageous and

horrible. But I don't want to condemn it as a Muslim. It's not my

responsibility. Those people didn't call me up and ask me for my opinion about

doing something horrific.

I want to condemn it as a human being, as an American, just like everybody

Now you have a new goal, which is a lose -proof.

Election strategy for 2018.

Can you tell me what it is so I can co -opt it?

I'm not going to give you all the details, Donald, because then you're

share it with your little Republican friends.

But basically, we're all taking ourselves to the polls and we're going

out those who want to take our health insurance away, who want to take our

reproductive rights away, who want to take away the rights of Muslims to

freely. We're just going to take out the bad guys, you know, drain the swamp.

I'm so confused because Drain the Swamp I love, but I didn't listen to the rest

of what she was saying.

It's good that you didn't. You missed it.

Now, here's a question.

Why the hijab?

I find people make me nervous when they're all wearing the same hat. You

what I mean?

You mean like at the women's march?

Oh, those pussy hats.

I was grabbing them off women left and right.

Don't ever do that.

What do you think frightens me the most about a person like you?

My power.

That I can organize five million women across the world to stand up to

bigotry and xenophobia and sexism and misogyny. That's what scares me. I know

does.

Stairwells and curbs. You totally failed the test.

Linda Sunshore, everybody!

What

an

incredible show.

What a perfectly normal tribute.

To our mothers.

Am I doing a good job, mother?

Things haven't caught up with you yet, darling.

But you know how this is going to end, boy.

It's just a matter of time.

Get out of my head, mother.

You lie about the Russians.

You lie about the women.

You even lie about how rich you are.

But I'm the richest man in the world. I am, I am.

You're a shady businessman.

A dishonest politician.

And now, look at you, throwing your little tantrum. Because everyone is

find out that you're a fake.

Nobody loves a cheater.

Not even Mommy.

No!

Get her out.

Get her out of here!

What a naughty boy.

Speaking to your mother like that.

You can fire Flynn.

You can fire Yates. You can fire Comey. But you can never fire Mommy.

We've always known how this was going to end a little boy terrified

ashamed and all alone