All language subtitles for The President Show s01e02 Dan Savage

Ladies and gentlemen, the 45th and final
President of the United States.

Wow. Wow.

Welcome to the President's Show. What a
day, folks.

Today, Congress passed the Obamacare
repeal.

I know, I know. I hated it too.

We're celebrating bigly. I just came
from a rager in the Rose Garden and Paul

Ryan did a keg stand.

I told him, be careful, Paul. You don't
want to get hurt.

And then we laughed and laughed because
this law won't apply to us.

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.

Everybody's so happy that we repealed
Obamacare.

I even saw Muslims in New Jersey
cheering by the thousands.

That was a nice surprise.

And by the way, that's our theme
tonight.

Surprise!

Science teaches us that there are four
elements.

Earth, wind, air, and the element of
surprise.

Surprise is everywhere.

On the faces of the religious leaders
when I start talking about the Bible.

in the eyes of young women whose
dressing rooms I barge into, and in the

stares of the millions of people who
just found out they're about to lose

health care.

How can you possibly support this plan?

I support any plan that separates out
the sickest people and puts them in a

high -risk group.

How do you think I assembled my cabinet?

This bill...

is estimated to cause 24 million people
to lose health insurance.

What will you say to them?

Nothing. I don't care.

I don't know any of those people. Why
would I talk to them?

By the way, 24 million was the CBO score
from last time. But this time, we

totally fixed it. We didn't let the CBO
score it. See?

I'm getting the hang of this.

Surprise!

I said you're going to get sick of
winning. And now that we're winning,

definitely going to get sick.

I'm the president. Can you believe it?
Let's roll.

Welcome to the President's Show. Vice
President Mike Fetch, everybody.

Vice President Mike Fetch.

So incredible.

So incredible.

Stand up, Mike. Stand up, Mike. Stand
up. There we go.

Stand up, Mike.

Stand up. Stand up, Mike.

So how are you doing today, Mike?

Well, I'm just wonderful, sir.

As always, and I just wanted you to
know, I knew our theme tonight was

so I got you a little gift. Okay, Mike,
whatever you're doing, don't do it, all

right? Please.

We're talking about surprise tonight.
Yes, I know that. And you know what

surprised me?

How much the White House sucks.

It's like living alone in a library like
a dog. Well, perhaps, sir. I don't even

want it. I don't even want what you're
selling, okay?

Plus, did you know it's only two stories
tall?

And you can't see Central Park. I have
something that might cheer you up, sir.

No, stop.

Sir, I really think you would enjoy this
delicious can of peanut brittle.

Fine. Just give me this joke can of
whatever it is, Mike.

He's no snake, Mike. It's just peanut
brittle.

Wait a second.

If that's peanut brittle, then that
means... Oh, my gosh.

Karen!

Stay. Stay, Mike.

Forget her, Mike.

It's brittle town.

And we've got a desk speech to do. Oh,
good.

Mike, you know, I love signing executive
orders.

I can make people do whatever I want. I
don't have to talk to Congress, and I

get to go like this.

Let's take a look at some executive
orders I thought of today, all by

without help from anybody who knows what
they're doing.

Everyone knows the press is terrible
people. The worst people.

That's why I'm trying to change libel
laws to make it easier to sue the

media. But the lawyers are saying that
it's impossible.

So executive order.

The First Amendment is now the last
amendment.

And the Second Amendment is promoted to
the First Amendment. From now on, you

have to say something with a gun.

That's true, sir. Rights are a
privilege, not a right. Good one, Mike.

you, sir.

I like my fellow international leaders,
strong and tough, with just a smidgen of

fascism. That's why I've said such nice
things about Kim Jong -un, Roger

Hugo Duterte, and something, something,
Erdogan from Turkey.

Executive Order Dictator Sleepover.

This Friday, my new besties are coming
to the White House. We're going to prank

all Western democracies, play Spin the
Dissident, and Ouija Waterboard our

enemies. What fun!

Can I come, sir?

Mike, no.

Because you'll blow it in your sleeping
bag.

Mike, did you see what my wife did on
Twitter? I did not, no. She liked a

that said, seems the only wall Trump
built is between him and Melania.

It's true. It's true. It's true.

It's true.

It's true.

Totally unacceptable.

So, executive order, Melania Trump must
delete her Twitter account.

She's so impulsive, zero control, she
could start a nuclear war.

A woman you can bait with a tweet should
not be first lady.

Good point, sir. Very good point.

Executive order.

Mermaids need to have crotches.

They look so good from the waist up, but
downstairs it's all fish.

Who wants that?

You know, I only eat fish on Fridays,
sir.

Jesus, Mike. You just made that way too
gross. What's wrong with you?

Oh, I didn't mean to... And finally,
executive... Wait a second.

This isn't an executive order. It's a
diner menu.

Why do I have a diner menu?

Well, you didn't finish the maize
yesterday, sir.

Because... Well, because it was too
hard.

Which way am I supposed to go you you
want to go toward the playground sir you

don't want to go back home I Always want
to go home

We'll be right back

I don't watch the show.

Because Lisa Renner has a bag of pills.
Right, I know. Okay, and it's Beverly

Hills Reunion Part 3, so it was so
intense.

It doesn't mean anything to me because I
don't watch the show. But all the pills

are vitamins, Mike. They were just
vitamins.

I see. Okay, she just said she liked a
Xanax and a smoothie. It doesn't mean a

thing. Gotcha. I understand.

Mike, I got to tell you something.

My tum -tum's going a bum -bum.

Do you think you could go get me some
cow juice?

Milk? Yeah.

Sure, sir. Okay. Stick around. I'll be
right back. Don't get lost.

Here's a surprise about the White House.

The paintings come alive at night.

After I've taken my anti -baldness
medication.

Look who's in the painting today. It's
President Andrew Jackson.

Old hickory dickory.

Let's see.

If we can wake him up. Wake up, wake up,
wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up,

wake up.

What? What is happening? Where am I?

Why, this looks like the White House.

Well, then who might you be?

I'm the president.

Oh, boy, oh, boy. I'm so glad you're
here.

I told everybody that you would have
prevented the Civil War.

No, Mr. President. I didn't fight in the
Civil War. I fought in the War of 1812.

18 to 12, the forbidden years.

Okay.

The Civil War was a total disaster. Why
did it have to happen?

I can't believe I'm the only person to
ever ask that question.

And you were the only man who could have
stopped it.

I don't think that's true.

You know, between my time in office and
the start of the Civil War, there were

nine other presidents.

Also, I was dead.

No, no, no.

No, no. You would have prevented it.
Don't be modest.

I don't know what you... Well, I sent a
warship to South Carolina to enforce

federal law against nullification. Is
that what you're talking about?

Absolutely.

One of the greats. One of the greats. Am
I?

A lot of stuff I did hasn't aged well.

I owned hundreds of slaves. I legalized
genocide against the Indian tribe.

But in the end, you took one look at the
Civil War and you said, not on my

watch.

Listen to me.

I had nothing to do with the Civil War.

I wasn't mad about it because I didn't
see it coming because I couldn't have

seen it coming because I was dead.

Is this your cup?

What?

I found this old cup and I said, this is
definitely Jackson's cup.

I've been drinking out of it for weeks.
It's got to be yours.

I don't think so. Are you sure it's not
your cup?

It's not my cup.

I think it's yours.

Okay, fine. It's my cup.

Is there anything you want to say to
Cup?

Uh, hello, Cup.

I love this. This is history come alive.

You know what? Come out of the painting.

Well, uh, this whole thing is just a
hallucination caused by your anti

medication, so you're the bomb. All
right, whatever.

Sit where Mike sits.

Just sit where Mike sits. Right next to
Cuff. Not my cup.

Do you have any questions about the
future, President Andrew Jackson?

Uh, sure. Are we still at war with the
Indians?

Sort of. We just ran a rickety pipeline
through their sacred land.

Love that.

Uh, what about slavery?

How'd that all shake out?

Well, I hate to break it to you, but
there's no more slavery.

Aw. But...

But we do have an incredible prison
industrial complex that locks up black

people and makes them work for nothing.

Hey, pretty much the same thing. Wow.

See?

Steve was right. I am just like you. You
are way cooler than Mike.

Uh, sir?

Sir?

Mike, where the hell are you?

Trapped in the paintings, sir!

Oh, Jesus, Mike. All right, yeah, we'll
get you out. We're not going to get him

out. We'll be right back.

The Angel

Sisters, everybody.

Unbelievable. Do you want to take a
picture with me?

A total?

Let's just do it and then be done, okay?

What a wonderful little girl. I am a
disgrace to the world.

I am a disgrace.

I love the basement. I love all the
mattresses.

I'm here in beautiful Mar -a -Lago.

My guest tonight is a journalist and
LGBT activist.

He writes a column and hosts a podcast
called Savage Love.

Please welcome Dan Savage, everyone.

I thought there'd be blood on my hands.
No, something else, Dan.

We're going to get dirty right away.

Dan, thank you so much for being here.

Now, I want to talk to you about your
sex podcast.

You answer a lot of pinky questions. I
do. Why does talking dirty help you, but

it gets me in trouble?

Because I speak dirty with people who
want to speak dirty with me. I'm not

grabbing people by their Internet
accounts and speaking dirty with them

their will.

Who does that? Not me. I grab people by
their pussies.

And you shouldn't. You really shouldn't.
It's actually a crime and you should be

in prison, not in the White House.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable. You know something?

We're going to just say that we both won
that exchange.

Now you say if you like something and
your partner likes it, you should try

So how do I get America to consent to
me?

I don't think America is ever going to
get used to you. You see in the

resistance that's popped up. You see in
the people in the streets at all the

demonstrations.

It's actually really great. The only
upside of this calamity is the

that you've inspired is the sort of
immune system response.

The immune system response of the nation
to the infection that is your

administration and your presidency.

Everyone says, like Bernie even says,
it's about the economy. It's about

and jobs, not about social issues.

What are we missing? Because I feel like
I won on a jobs program.

So doesn't that mean that now I don't
have to care about social issues?

Well, a lot of social issues actually
are also jobs issues. You know, if a

can't control her own body, control when
she has a child.

Would she like to go to the bathroom?
Well, no, if she can't decide.

Whether she is going to have a baby, if
she's pregnant and she can't terminate

the pregnancy if she's not.

Ready to be a parent. Well, then she's
going to be forced out of the workforce.

There are people who need to access
abortion rights because they already

many children as they can possibly take
care of. Most people who get abortions

are already parents, already mothers.

And so that's an economic issue by
itself. Abortion is an economic issue.

things that we call social issues or
want to say that they're identity

are also about often economics and
people's ability to participate in the

economy. If you're being discriminated
against because of your race or your

class or your gender or your sexual
orientation, Can't stand them all.

That's going to have an economic impact
on your life. That's going to harm you

economically. So social issues and
identity issues are also economic

All right, all right.

Now, what's a fetish that you think I
have that I'm not telling anybody?

It's actually not a fetish that people
don't already suspect that you have.

the piss thing.

People have said you're famously a germ
-phobe, and yet you touched my hand.

Oh, I'm going to burn it. I know.

And people have said because you're a
germ -phobe, you couldn't possibly be

getting peed on. And actually, those
things kind of go together. Be sterile.

Be sterile, but a lot of people's kinks
are the opposite of who they present

themselves to be and who they believe
themselves to be. A kink is often

something that is, you know, not like
the...

Wealthy and powerful CEO who likes to go
to a professional dominatrix and be

ordered around and whipped.

That's kind of the opposite of who his
public persona is. So your public

as a germaphobe is in no way in conflict
with you potentially being into

drinking urine. So could we say that...
And I love it. I love it. It's like

Gatorade.

My only question, Dan, is so in other
words, we could say that once shadow

psychology, the part of themselves they
don't show the world, tends to manifest

itself in the kink.

or fetish because it's a private space
in which they feel the most safe.

We could say that, and I believe I have
said that on my podcast and in my

column. Oh, my God. Well, then let's do
a podcast together.

Now, I understand you have a gift for
me. I do have a gift for you. I have

lovely hat. A red hat. I love it.

A red hat.

ITMFA stands for Impeach the
Motherfucker Already.

My contribution to the resistance to you
and your administration is I've sold

tens of thousands of dollars worth of
ITMFA merch at ITMFA .org, and we've

$100 ,000 to the ACLU Planned Parenthood
and the International Refugee

Assistance Project.

I love this hat.

I'll tell you, I get that it's a kink,
but I'm not in the mother, okay?

Dan Savage, everybody!

Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

What an incredible show.

I talked dirty with Dan Savage, Mike got
stuck in a painting, and we all fell in

love with America's first cup.

Let's get a shot of the cup. Get a shot
of the cup.

Get a shot of the cup. It's right there.

And we had a great theme surprise.

How is anybody surprised by me anymore?
I'm doing exactly what I promised to do

during the campaign.

Dismantling this country piece by piece.

And the first piece, health care.

House Republicans finally slapped
together a bill cruel enough to pass.

They gave me my first big win. And I'm
giving them a giant political albatross.

And to my supporters.

You're giving up your health care for
nothing.

Zero. Zip.

You're not any safer.

You're not getting your jobs back.
You're not even getting that big,

wall.

The billionaire oligarchs who really run
this country are getting a trillion

dollars in tax cuts, and all you get is
a stupid red hat.

What a deal!

Some of you thought I was a gift.

Others thought I was nuts.

Turns out I was a snake all along.

Surprise!

Bar, bar!

The great big, great big.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.