Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.

Wow.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

So incredible.

The first show.

The first show.

Welcome to The President Show.

I'm the president, and I'm also the show.

And that's an incredible deal.

Now I can talk to the American people directly, just like FDR and its fireside

chats.

F -D -R.

Franklin Eleanor Roosevelt.

Who was brutally attacked by the Italian anarchist Marco Polio.

Marco stole his legs and made him half president.

Let's face it. The guy was half man, half president.

He was a robo -president.

Beep bop goes the robot.

And we all know that.

And we all know that.

Every show, we're going to have a beautiful new theme to set the agenda.

And tonight, for our first show, our first theme, America.

first. Mr. President, isn't that a white nationalist, Logan? Excuse me. Excuse

me. I'm white. I live in this nation. I guess that makes me a white nationalist.

Sir, have your first 100 days been a failure?

Oh, you shut up.

In my first 100 days, I signed 30 executive orders, fired 59 missiles into

Syria, took 16 golf trips, got 500 hole -in -ones, and talked to a lady

astronaut on the computer.

She was on the moon.

She was on the moon.

All that is 785 things, which, if you round up, is a million.

And I did it all ahead of Skedgie and under Budgie.

Those numbers don't make any sense.

Who cares? I'm the president. Can you believe it? Let's roll.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the very first episode of The President

I turned the Oval Office into a classic late night set. I've got a desk.

I've got a couch.

I've even got a sidekick.

He's America's answer to white rice with no salt. Vice President Mike Pence,

everybody.

Sit down.

Sit down. Thank you.

Oh, I have to say, Mr. President, it is an honor. No, it's not. I'm a pig. You

hate this.

My guest tonight is the one and only Keith Olbermann. He can't stand me. It's

going to be so much fun.

What an exciting first hundred days. Right, Mike?

Oh, absolutely, sir. You have really put some cinnamon on the oatmeal.

Thanks.

Thanks, Mike. You're welcome.

Everyone's been in such a panic. It's like we've been living in that scene

the end of Goodfellas where Ray Liotta is driving around town with the

helicopter chasing him.

You remember that. And he's trying to stash the cocaine and his brother has to

stir the socks and the babysitter has to make the phone call and the helicopter

keeps chasing him and he's just doing more coke and stirring more socks and

Karen has to flush the coke. Fuck!

My wife's name is Karen.

So, just to let you know, you're all going to keep feeling like that the

time I'm president.

That's a lot of cinnamon, sir.

What are you, sponsored by cinnamon? What are you doing?

I wish.

Mike, you're a nice guy. Thank you, sir. Thank you very much. But not everyone

is as nice as you. That's true. I think it's important to let the audience know

who's being nice and who's being not nice.

In our very first desk piece called Nice, Not Nice.

Marine Le Pen.

She's French, she's blonde, and she hates Muslims.

She's a triple threat.

Not nice.

Marine world.

The whales are sixes, the dolphins are fours, and the only tens are the

penguins. And they're all married.

Nice. My lovely daughter, Ivanka.

Her skin is like Italian marble.

And her hair is like really great hair.

I don't know.

Not nice.

The German people who booed her when she defended me at a conference in Berlin.

Disgusting. This is the worst thing the Germans have ever done.

Ever. Ever.

ever.

Nice.

Nice.

Clam chowder.

Thick, creamy, hot. I could drink it with a straw.

Not nice.

Corn chowder.

It's fake chowder. Fake chowder.

You're taking jobs away from hardworking clams.

This American cornage ends now.

I'm going to mix it up. I'm going to mix it up. Oh, okay. I'm going to mix it

up. Are you ready? You ready?

I'm ready. We're mixing it up. Ready for it. Not nice.

Press Secretary Sean Spicer.

He's a muttering slobber mouth with a taste for his own foot.

Why?

Why don't I fire this guy?

Nice. Sean Spicer's TV ratings. I can't fire this guy.

His ratings are tremendous.

We love ratings, and Spicer brings them in. But we would never do anything just

for ratings. We're too classy for that, right, Mike?

Mike? I don't know, Mike. I'm Mike's evil cousin, Donald

Pence.

Jesus, Mike.

Could you try a little harder, please? I'm sorry.

Sorry. What a cliffhanger.

What's going to happen?

Don't go away.

We'll be right back.

Who are you?

I was

in

New York the other day and people forced me to do this stupid little video. Take

a look.

Trump Tower, the home of my wife.

and a source of complete and total luxury.

Caviar runs from the sink.

We have steak and sofa cushions.

So won't you join me as we go up and visit my wife Melania in the lap of

Hi, guys.

Good to see you. How are you? My pleasure. Very good. You're doing a

Thank you very much. Wonderful.

Wonderful. Very good.

We've reached the top.

The most incredible, luxurious, and absolutely priceless

suite in New York. Why don't we go inside and take a look?

Melania's no?

Hello?

What's the change of the lock?

Melania!

It's going to be incredible when we get inside.

When we get inside, you're going to think it's a beautiful place.

Yeah, we need to shoot something, so... Why don't we go outside?

I'll show you a little bit of the real New York.

We'll get a bigger piece.

Why don't we do Trump's New York?

Look, there's a planter.

There's another planter. And these barricades, they're the best barricades.

best barricades, Bridget.

Okay, let's just meet people.

Let's go to Times Square. No, I'm not going to Times Square. I'll never set

in Times Square. I'm not talking about Times Square.

We're here in miraculous Times Square, named for the failing New York Times.

And then why don't you go to Bubba Gump for a shrimp or whatever that is. Bubba

Gump shrimp started by a mentally retarded man who loves shrimp.

And he hunted them and he gathered enough.

And now he sells them.

Paul, Paul, it's an incline. I can't go down.

Thank you, Paul.

And be ready. There's another one.

Let's go get halal.

Excuse me. Hello.

What's this? What sauces are these?

That was

straight mayonnaise.

That was straight mayonnaise.

Excuse me. Excuse me. You, lady.

I'm very hungry and... I can't get it in my house. I want to eat some food.

Now, the best thing about Wendy's is it's square.

And when it's square, you get the meat, you get more burger.

You want to get down and dirty, get some Burger King.

That's when everyone, that's when mama's not home to watch you.

Mama's not home.

And you know you can get dirty with him.

I'm going to throw up.

I'm going to throw up.

No, I'm not.

All right, I'm ready to go.

I'm tired.

I want to go back to the tower, Bridget. We're almost done, sir.

Anything else you want to show us?

I don't know.

Attack!

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

the truck.

Hong Kong goes the truck. Hong Kong goes the truck. Did you guys see? The truck

goes Hong Kong.

Did you see that? Did you see it? Unbelievable.

It's so crazy. And you see how it moved? Big trucks, big wheels. And the big

wheels go around.

And then when you pull on the horn, the horn goes crazy.

And the truck's so unbelievable because it's a tremendous truck. I wish we had a

bigger truck. Wouldn't it be great if a big truck came?

Like a big truck. Big 18 -wheeler truck.

And it rolled down.

And then a guy showed up and he was a macho guy.

And he says to me, you drive the truck. And then I get to drive the truck and I

get to go all the way down and I drive it right into the river.

And then I drown in the river and I feel the water seeping over me.

And then the air leaves my lungs.

And in the moment where my body starts to react and wants air, I let go.

And when I let go, the water fills my lungs.

And I'm finally at peace.

And only then do I find the complete and absolute solitude

that I've wanted.

Anyway, I want to go home, Bridget. I'm tired of this.

Well, that's my New York from the East 50s to the West 50s. Everything you need

to see. All the great sights of Times Square and everything in between.

I don't have any idea where my wife Melania is.

But... I'm sure she's doing something personally right.

Okay, Bridget, that's enough. I've got a mound of crap in my pants and I need

someone to hose it out.

We'll be right back.

Who is this guy? Who are you?

Who are you?

I'll give you the papers.

I'll give you the papers. I don't care.

My guest tonight is a veteran broadcaster and host of the series, The

Resistance, on GQ .com. Please welcome Keith Olbermann.

No,

Keith.

Your series is called The Resistance.

Yes, sir. So tell me.

What are the plans for the Death Star?

Where is your home base on Alderaan?

And does that make me the emperor?

Well,

I'm not going to tell you where the Death Star is at the moment.

Because you probably try to use it on North Korea.

It doesn't work. It works in the movies.

But in all truth.

You're resisting.

Are you resisting me?

Isn't it easier to give in? That's what I say to every woman I meet.

Yeah, well, I've heard a couple of those stories, too. But I've been able to

resist you for the 30 years that we know each other, and I'm going to continue

to resist.

Now, you and I have a lot in common. The press doesn't like either of us.

But tell me honestly.

My campaign and all the coverage I got amounting to $3 billion, which is

incredible, in free coverage.

Don't you think that there is a love -hate relationship between the

media and the Donald Trump administration in a way that actually

presidency? Yes, I think 100%. You're absolutely right.

It's a symbiotic relationship, yes. Unbelievable. I don't go that way, by

way. But let me tell you this.

Now, I have a question.

Yes?

Do you miss sports? Because I pretend to like them.

Every day I do these shows about you, I miss sports a little bit more, yes.

A little bit more. Every once in a while I wake up in the middle of the night

going, please just put me somewhere where I can read the scores again, yes.

But isn't that the danger, that we've turned politics into a sport?

That we call it horse race politics?

And the problem is that we no longer have discourse about social policy or

to elevate ourselves as a society with no great goal, but instead keep points

policy that won't actually affect the common person?

You, sir.

You, sir.

I'm just imitating you. Can you take what you just said and, like, tattoo it

backwards on your forehead so you can read it to yourself every morning?

Because that's one of the most remarkable statements I've ever heard

president, and I've heard most of them. I just blanked out. What happened?

Let's start again.

General Flynn.

Yes. This guy. What a thorn in my side.

What do I do? Why is it so important to release these documents?

Who has them? Do I have them? Does Obama have them? And what's the big deal,

really?

Well, see, he was working for the Russians.

and working for you at the same time. So there's only two choices here. Either

he was doing things for the Russians to get you to behave in a certain way

during the campaign and then as president, or he was...

Your emissary to the Russians to get them to help hack the last election in

election rolls and provide material for WikiLeaks to help you win So it's one of

those two things or there's a small possibility that it just looks like that

you're innocent and you should clear yourself So you should release those

documents or have whoever in your administration has them release those

documents I don't know we put them out with the Easter egg hunt. Maybe a kid

found

And Roger Stone, Roger Stone, this weirdo, right? I mean, this guy's a

hair plug. Oh, my God. My question, Roger Stone, isn't it strange that he

such a Nixon guy and then look what happened? And then suddenly he shows up

again with me. Do we think history will repeat itself completely?

Well, yeah, we're all hoping so. Yeah, yeah.

About Nixon? Yeah, pretty much.

Pretty much.

They love me. They love me, Pete.

Only faster.

Well, you're doing a very good job. I feel completely resistant.

Keith Olbermann, everybody.

Thank you very much, Keith.

We're the last one, Keith. We're the last one, Keith.

Wow.

Wow, what an incredible show.

I dominated Keith Olbermann. We fondly remembered Goodfellas.

And we met my new character, Donald Pence.

Unbelievable.

Tonight, we proved we are firstly America in a bigdiculous way.

America first is a powerful phrase with a tremendous legacy.

It was coined by Woodrow Wilson, our first volleyball president.

Then used by the KKK and Sky Nazi Charles Lindbergh.

And like me, they were all hiding something from you in plain sight.

Me first.

Isn't that what we're all about?

My candidate didn't win the primary, so I'm not going to vote.

I want jobs to move back to America, but I also want 24 socks for a dollar.

I want lower taxes. I don't care if you poison the water and deport my

neighbors.

My impressions are incredible.

A me -first country gets a me -first president.

Me!

I've ruined everything I've ever touched.

Companies, cities, marriages, toilets.

I will use this office to enrich myself and my weirdo family.

Then, tweet us into a war with Hawaii.

I have the power to destroy any country on Earth, but I promise you, It'll be

America first.

See you next week. Bye -bye.