Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, the 45th and final president of the United States.

Thank you. Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. That's a phrase I just came up with.

Can you comment on the allegations against Roy Moore?

I don't want to talk about allegations.

See you later, alligators. In a while, pedophile.

This is a Christmas special.

It's called I Came Up With Christmas.

Before me, the only holidays were Kwanzaa and Toyotathon.

And that's why tonight's theme is Savior.

I'm saving you.

Such great savings.

Every day brings the downfall of powerful men over sexual misconduct.

seems like it's not going to stop. Are you concerned you'll be next?

So you can't just sing to avoid answering our questions? Yeah, you've

many failures this year. What do you consider your greatest accomplishment?

Judge Neil Gorsuch came to town on the Supreme Court.

Scorsese, Scorsese, Scorsese, Scorsese. He's a judge that I did.

I have a question.

I have a question.

Bebe Neuwirth?

You're not a judge.

You're an Emmy and Tony Award winning actress.

Yeah, I was, but now I'm a hard -nosed journalist.

I work for A, BBC News.

Whoa, Bebe.

I'll give you an exclusive, sweetheart.

That's disgusting.

Who do you think you are?

I'm president.

I'm president.

Can you believe I'm president?

Welcome to my Christmas special.

Celebrating America's first ever Christmas.

I hope you all get coal in your stocking this year.

In fact, tonight's show is brought to you by coal.

Coal. It's hard oil, I think.

And now, with me as always, he's the only man whiter than Western

depiction of Jesus. It's Mike Pence!

Happy 2017th birthday to a very good friend of mine. He's a special massage.

Whatever, Mike. Now move over. I want my new favorite member of the press, Bebe

Neuwirth, to sit on the couch right next to me. Get over here.

Well,

thank you, Mr. President. Now I'd like to ask you a few questions about the

Russia investigation.

Yeah! Yeah!

Look, I shot a tree.

Oh, boy.

Oh,

boy. It's my idiot son, Don Jr.

Don Jr., can I get a statement from you? Yeah, sure.

Oh, great. Oh, thank you.

So, last night, I was at the Russian embassy giving the WikiLeaks dude all

bank routing numbers. And... No, no, no, no. Stop talking to the press.

What are you even doing here?

It's snowing real bad and no one can leave D .C. I thought you said you were

going to do global warming, Dad.

I'm working on it. I even had a coal -fired heater installed in the White

That's right, coal.

The science is in, and it's coal.

Well, if you have to be here, sit down and keep quiet, which you're already

doing. I want to show everyone our wonderful Christmas ornaments in a

like to call, treason's greetings.

Let's look at these tiny things.

Wow. Check out these icicles.

They're ice -themed icicles.

Oh.

I get it. Like the Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency that tears

families apart. It's so funny that the one thing you actually do good really

ruins people's lives. You're ruining my life.

Now shut up.

Look at this wonderful paper towel roll ornament commemorating the incredible

disaster relief I personally threw at people in Puerto Rico. Some people say

the quicker picker -upper, but they're wrong. I'm the quickest picket -uppest.

Actually, Dad, there was, like, nothing quick about your response.

And they still need help real bad.

Plus, they're all Americans, but you, like, don't care because they're brown?

It's like... Out of what?

Out of mine.

Silencio! Mr. President, what is the current status of the recovery in Puerto

Rico? They're highly absorbent and tough on skin.

And now for an ornament of my favorite child.

Oh, that would not be me.

It's a tree topper of my angelic daughter, Ivanka.

Look, she's a woman who works as an ornament on a tree.

It's weird because she gives all these speeches saying sexual harassment people

are bad, but her boss is you, Dad.

And you're like the president of sexual harassment.

No, I'm the president of the United States.

Yeah, yeah, for now.

Hey, cool. Is this the real gun?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no. He'll hurt himself.

No. It's okay, Mike. I have like four other kids.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. I shot it. Oh.

Oh, it's just thoughts and prayers.

Don't worry.

I'll let you in on a little secret. Those don't really do anything.

We'll be right back.

And a Merry Christmas to you, Mr. President. I hope you enjoy it at the

House and never come back for a second one.

Hey, Donald, it's that time of year again, and I got you the perfect

stuffer. My new book, The Great Gantt Bag.

That's Merry Christmas in Russian.

Happy holidays.

You hate people saying that, don't you?

Oh, oh, oh, you're getting peached next year.

Hello, Mr. President.

Mark Hamill here. I know you've had a tough year, so I got you something.

Happy holidays.

You've just been ham jammed.

Merry Christmas. Back to the show.

I know I promised you an exclusive, baby. So here it is. Oh, great. Boys,

out the wall.

The what?

I told you we're going to build a wall, and boy, did we.

Entirely out of gingerbread.

Easy, now be very careful. I am being careful, you weird lady. I'm not a lady.

Wait, what's that sound?

I know what that is.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's Steve Cannon.

Merry Christmas, Steve.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I've been trapped by this snow.

Damn this snow. It's never going to stop.

It's horrible.

These liberal snowflakes are keeping me from truly celebrating Christmas, the

time when I pay homage to the cold dawn of Saturnalia as we gather in the great

sanctuary to consume the flesh of he who protects us.

And that's just midnight mass.

Candy cane?

Oh.

Is that a swastika candy cane? Let me try.

The New York Times wrote a glowing profile of these candy canes.

Delicious.

Wow, there are good flavors on many sides.

On many sides.

And now, here's a treat for everyone. A video that Mike and I made the other day

when we went mall walking.

Take a look.

Healthy walking, speed walking is what you need to do in the DC mall.

Look at these guys right here. I need everyone's papers.

How did you get here into the country?

No more dreamers. No more dreamers.

Mike, I'm so tired. This is so exhausting. We've walked probably 80

are we going to get to Cinnabon, Mike? At the end, you have to do a full

to get your treat.

Whoa!

Who's that big red fat guy?

Well, that's Santa Claus. How come he's getting all the attention?

Because kids love Santa Claus. I'm the only big, fat, red guy that gets

attention around here. Paul, take him out. Take the shot, Paul.

Take the shot, Paul. Come on, Mike. All right, sir.

We're going to take a quick little break, everyone.

Get him out. You, get out of here.

Santa, get him out. Get him out.

Santa's going to be right back.

You're listening to me, fat man.

I'm the one everyone's supposed to like, and you're not going to take that away

from me.

Should we go? Shut up, Mike.

I'm going to get naked.

I think it probably would be best if we just... Send him to Guantanamo?

Yeah. Take him. Just give him what he wants. Take him.

Take it off.

Nice and slow so I can see everything.

That's not part of it, though. It is for me, Mike.

It is for me.

You guys, the real Santa's here.

The real Santa, right?

Okay, little one.

Come on up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where's the seat? Sorry, sir. Just for sanitary purposes.

Go ahead. There we go.

Now, what's your mother want to get? Hi, honey. How are you? Do you have a

father?

Yes. Is he still married to your mom?

Yes. Great.

Forget it.

What do you think of Mitch McConnell?

Jerk, right? Who is that? Exactly. Nobody knows because he's a total

You know what Mitch McConnell wants for Christmas?

A chin.

Right? Am I right? What do you think of Donald Trump?

Um, I think he's mean.

Mike, shut up. I'm not saying a word.

Do you like Donald Trump?

He always lied and he always said, you're fired.

That's right, he does say you're fired. But he always tells the truth. All the

time. No, he always tells lies.

I don't want to.

Whoa, what am I, on trial?

Not yet, sir.

Ow!

Ow! Get out of there! Ow!

Ow!

This whole thing is dumb. And the presents aren't even real, okay?

These kids believe in some mythological character that doesn't even exist? Who

cares, Mike? Let's face it. I'm done.

Paul, Paul, come on.

There we go. Whoa.

I guess I can always step in and take over.

Okay.

Yeah, kids.

I mean, what do those kids know about respect?

I'm the President of the United States, and I'm Santa Claus.

I don't respect anything.

There we go.

Do you remember the reason for the season?

The birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Let me quote you from the book of Isaiah.

I'll use them.

Wait a minute.

By George, I think I've got it.

Enough. We're not doing this stupid Santa thing anymore. We're doing an old

-fashioned rally.

You understand me?

Oh, a rally. Perfect.

Children, children, gather around here.

Come down to the front here. Wonderful.

Very good.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Santa Claus of the United States of America.

Yay, wonderful.

Wow. There are millions of children who couldn't even get into this rally.

It's so unbelievable.

And let me tell you something, kids. We don't need homework anymore, anybody.

We're going to get rid of the teachers.

It's time to drain the swamp.

Drain the swamp. I love it. Drain the swamp.

There you go.

And I can promise that all of your mothers will get you literally

your Christmas list or they're going to jail.

Beautiful.

Bad boy.

Give me your taxes.

Get him out. Get him out of here.

Get him out. Yeah. Get him out of here.

It turns out Mall Santas and I are a lot alike.

We both promise gifts we never actually plan to deliver.

But for some reason, people keep believing in us.

Here's a story about a little town named Snowflake City.

Snowflake City was a lame, stupid place.

Instead of roofs, they had solar panels.

Instead of sidewalks, recycling bins.

And instead of macho man cars, they had wimp mobiles.

And worst of all, there was no place for Santa in a town without chimneys.

Is Santa Claus finally going to come this year?

No, Tyler, that would take a Christmas miracle.

And it just so happened that one arrived by train.

Ladies and gentlemen of Snowflake City, I am Don Cornelius. And from

the looks of things, this town could use some Christmas cheer.

We haven't had any cheer around here in a really long time.

Santa doesn't care about us anymore.

Well, I alone can fix that.

Give me your diamond.

But scientists say coal would ruin the environment.

Well, I say scientists are liars. Hey!

Plus, coal has a unique magical power.

What's that thing?

Why, this is the job creator.

Watch this.

That's it? Just one job?

Yeah, dummy. It's a job creator.

It creates job.

Actually, green energy provides plenty of job opportunities. Yeah, but not

guy one.

All it takes is a little retraining. Hey, that scientist is trying to take

our jobs. Hit him with coal. Coal ball fight.

And so Snowflake City stopped being so stupid and started being like America

again. Gone were the solar panels and recycling bins. And a blanket of carbon

dioxide kept the town warm all year round.

Now there's a little coal in all of us.

Ho, ho, ho. Merry Coleman.

What a great, true story about Cole.

Cole, one of the great blacks.

That was not a true story.

You do this all the time. You claim you're going to give the press something

substance, and all you give us is propaganda.

When are you going to become presidential?

Fine. I got something presidential for you.

Big banks are ISIS because Hillary Pocahontas sold uranium to Matt Lauer.

You just spout random words and hope they make sense. No, I don't hope they

make sense. Oh, that's nice.

Well, you're not nice. And you know what? No exclusive.

Bye -bye.

Oh, no. Now, wait, sir. Please don't kick me out. Well, look at that. You

want to leave.

See?

You gotta be nice to me if you want access.

That's the way things work around here.

You're a crook and you're a liar. Your first year is a disaster.

You like women really young, yet you make me age after.

You're like a powerful narcotic, but our relationship is

symbiotic. Ain't it the truth?

The news was the snooze before you found me. Now, I'm every ornament on your

Christmas tree.

When you unwrap your presents on December 25th, you remember whose payoff

for those gifts.

We need each other.

Like a barnacle meets a boat. We need each other. Like a

parasite needs a host.

We need each other. We know that we need each other.

That's why I love you so.

I need you to scream breaking news. And I need you for big ad revenue.

We both love to yell out my name.

We'll profit from you. We have no shame.

Yes. Fake news. ABC.

Fake news.

NPR. Fake radio news. NBC.

Fake news.

MSNBC. Most fake news. NBC.

Jesus, how many NBCs are there? I don't know, like 50.

And they're all run by Jews.

You know I'm Jewish, right? So hot.

We need each other.

Light bulb blitz turn.

We need each other like my pet needs me. I am not dead.

I am not dead. We need each other. We know that we need each other.

Have you been good this year, Mike?

Oh, well, I was the tie -breaking of vote, allowing states to defund Planned

Parenthood, so... I think if Jesus were here, he would say, Wow, Mike, you

really took away those women's health care. Big deal.

I gave all my foreign workers at Mar -a -Lago a massive raise of 1%.

Did somebody say 1 %?

What?

Are you also stuck in D .C. because of the snow burning? Yeah, sure.

I'm also here to help you shift gears momentarily to some Judaism. Here we

Happy Hanukkah, everybody. I brought chocolate coins.

There you go.

I'm redistributing America's guilt.

Thank you very much. Thank you. If you can catch it, there you go.

I love the Jews.

Some of my favorite daughter's husbands are Jewish.

And if Jared has taught me anything, it's that he's going to jail just like

father.

Speaking of fathers, Don, have you ever wondered what life might have been like

if you had never gotten that million dollar loan from your own father?

No.

Well, maybe you should.

Watch this mind -bending film strip.

Here is what your life would look like if you hadn't grown up with a

bump. I'm sure I would have found another way to make it big.

Whoa, I'm right, look.

There goes alternate me now.

That's not you, Tom.

That's you. Oh, boy.

Nice. All right, next phone.

Here we go.

Mar -a -Lago Resort.

It's so incredible.

Hey, buddy, we're going to Mar -a -Lago. You, look at this. Mar -a -Lago Resort.

Isn't that wonderful?

It's a timeshare.

You looking for a holiday vacation?

Excuse me.

Look at the pools and the beautiful women. So incredible.

You don't fly?

I'll ship you there in a shipping container.

You know, you people don't know what you're missing out on. This is a

resort. Unbelievable.

Come on.

Is that a jackpot? Not this one. Of course not this one. You guys are

Yeah,

oh, thanks.

Yeah, the real one up there, huh?

Trump! Hey, rink!

No, no. You know that one?

Yeah, yeah, I know it. Where is the rink? I don't know.

Is it a beanie?

No. Excuse me.

Tell her you're a deadbeat. I'm at the office.

Excuse me, I'm on the phone with my wife.

There we go.

Listen, it's going to take another week.

Whoa, what's that?

Hey,

deadbeat. All right, so I'm on my way to the top.

I got a wife who wants to see me. So things can't be that bad.

Wait for it. Where the hell?

like your slave maid? This has been ready for an hour. It's getting cold.

I've been working.

Oh, right.

Okay, now the cable guy is coming tomorrow.

You are not bringing your little Russian friend to hack my cable box so you can

have porn. Keep your voice down, Ivan.

I told you, if anybody says anything, I'm just going to play dumb.

No, Splash.

You don't have to play dumb. It's in your little pea brain.

Fake news flash.

Hey, guess what, Queens?

You want to hear some real breaking news?

Turns out that the smartest guy in Queens is a big dummy, according to his

Cuckoo Yvonne. So sad.

Why can't you just tweet like everybody else? No!

I wish I could tweet, Ron.

I would love to tweet instead of talk to you. But unfortunately, I got banned

just because I made a stupid little joke about the Anne Frank Memorial Twitter

account. Anne Frankfurter. It's funny.

It's the best smell you've made all day.

Here we go. You two bumped knuckles for two seconds in LaGuardia. The next thing

you know, you're lovers. He looked right into my eye like you never did. I don't

want to turn to stone, okay?

I'm out of here.

I could have had a little karate kick.

Won't you please give to Christian Charity this evening?

Hello, ma 'am.

Please give us the message of Jesus, our Lord and Savior, can be heard through

this holiday season. Thank you, sir. Have a wonderful evening.

What about you, sir? Do you care to donate to a Christian charity on this

evening? Oh, yeah, I would love to. Here, I've got this to donate and that

donate. Oh, well, thank you so much, you son of a bitch. Oh, yeah, me too.

Hey, Donnie boy, how are you, you little turd? You know, I've been better. Of

course you have. You always look like crap. You like this cat?

Yeah. Yeah, that's a good one. I got about eight bucks in here. You want to

grab some slices?

All right, let's do it. All right.

Hang in the block.

I heard there's 75 % of white Americans can't get jobs right now. When did you

hear that? I don't know. Some guy said it. I buy it. Yeah, of course. I totally

buy that. Of course I buy that. I don't have a job. You have a job? No. Yeah, I

don't have a job.

Unbelievable.

We're going to build a wall.

Where? A big wall on Mexico. Mexico should pay for it.

That's a genius idea.

Of course it is. You've got to tell me.

Exactly right.

I've never heard it put that way. I'm a great communicator. I say such great

things. And I'll tell you, though, never let a guy like me become president.

Never. Not in a million years. Are you kidding me? Okay. They don't let regular

people. Do things like that, okay?

I feel like doing something. I feel like doing something about all this.

I feel like I want to mess it up. Yeah, I want to mess things up. Just feel like

I want to mess something up. I want to mess it up. You want to mess it up? Mess

it up.

I'm ready to mess it up.

Run, man. Put it on my back. I've been hiding.

Put it on my back. They won't shoot me.

Put it on my back.

No, no, no. You clean it up from your own country.

Check them, check.

Okay, okay.

Here we go.

Get it open. Get it open.

Good evening.

Happy holidays to you and yours.

So, phone spurs.

They go, you got to serve anyway.

I was like, great.

So I go to Vietnam.

First thing I do, I kill my commanding officer.

Yeah, okay.

Good night, thank you. I'll tell you the rest of the story later.

Oh, yeah, there you go. Give you a piss ceiling instead of a glass ceiling.

Hey,

by the way, I got you a little Christmas present. Oh,

look at this. Two little dripping honeys.

Where have you been all my life?

I don't know.

Not born yet.

What do you say I take you furniture shopping?

Come on, let's knead our own dough, you know what I mean?

Stick in the oven.

Hey, those girls are 15.

Come on, let's take them. What?

Petey, Petey, no, no, they were, no, no, they were hitting on me. It was reverse

sexism, reverse racism, reverse something.

Ow, God, Pete.

I'm going to sue you.

It just goes to show you that the most important thing in life is money.

We'll be right back.

And now that president show players present a retelling of the birth of

I'll be playing the archangel Gabriel.

So to be clear, this is an angel robe and not a dress.

We first meet the Virgin Mary of Nazareth.

Be not afraid, Virgin Mary. You have been chosen by God to bear his son

men always know what's best for a woman's body.

You're a real creep, you know that?

Let's just get this over with so I can get that interview.

Yes. I shall receive thy interview if thou sticketh to the script.

Heavy with child, the Virgin Mary soon approached an innkeeper.

Hi, honey.

Oh.

Welcome to Trump Tower, Bethlehem. Uh, hello. I know you're all booked up, but,

um, do you have a room for me?

Yeah, you bet.

You can stay in my suite.

Oh, not in a million years. No, sir, no. Everyone knows there's no room at the

inn. It's in the Bible.

I know the Bible. You're killing my game, Mike.

The Bible is the thing you put in your hand when you're lying in court.

Sorry, lady. You gotta use the horse house.

Okay, fine. So, Mary and her husband, Joseph.

Now, where is Joseph?

He should be here.

What is that?

It's Joey from the Barbershop, baby!

It's the Moots!

It's the Moots, everybody!

No, no.

It is not the Moots, as you say. It is Joseph, who apparently...

has traversed the desert on a motor camel, and has arrived late.

Yeah, don't get your panties in a bunch, huh? I miss my own kid's birth. At

least I showed up for this one.

Be cool, Mike. At least we're doing your stupid play.

Yeah, oh, but Hawk, who approaches on this cold -ass Christmas night?

Hey, it's the three wise guys!

What?

You say, why?

It's 114 degrees in this desert, and we are all wearing wool.

I would kill my camel for a fresca. No, Bernie, it's cold. He just said that

it's cold. Okay.

We are three illegal migrating immigrants.

Please point us to the nearest detention center.

Oh, hey, look.

A horse house. Okay, look, that's great. Don't you all have gifts to give our

savior, the baby Jesus?

Did somebody say savior?

Huh? Here we go. Oh, no.

Sir. Beat it, loser.

Give me presents.

I'm God.

Oh, no.

Sir.

Let me just say this.

There's an old Italian saying my mother used to say.

She's saying wrap that salami up to go.

Oh, come let you adore me.

No, no, no, no, no. No, I will not adore thee.

Shame on you, Mr. President, and shame on the rest of you. It's Christmas.

You'd think that at the very least you could play along with my performative

Christianity. Will you calm down, Mike? Hey, look, it's the patron saint of no

fun. Yeah, no one likes you, lady. Hey.

usually tells me.

Oh, Mike, you validate parking. I got a Volvo.

Oh, I know. There is a Volvo in the desert. I can't believe all you guys.

Please, I'm just trying to do something for you.

I'm trying to do something for you, sir. I'm trying to make this special

something. Yeah, Mike, yeah.

Why do I keep you around?

Isn't there anyone who knows what Mike Pence is all about?

Sure, Mr. President. I can tell you what I'm all about.

Lights, please.

And there were in the same country shepherds of the Republican Party

watching over their flock for an outsider threatened to tear the party

And lo, the Koch brothers came upon them and said, fear not.

We give unto you a savior whose name is Mike Pence.

He shall convince evangelicals that to carry out their agenda, they must elect

the least Christian candidate in history.

And yay, that doth even include Joe Lieberman.

And so there was a presidential ticket, and the leaders said, let us abandon

peace on earth and make sure there is goodwill toward men, and only men,

straight, white, Christian men.

Amen.

You're not the savior, Mr. President.

I'm the savior.

Wait, where are you? I just rolled snake eyes, and the dice look like square

boobies, Mike.

Good grief.

We'll be right back.

I'm hoping your Christmas

tree get real dried up and you leave the lights on.

You understand?

That's all I'm going to say about that. I hope 2018 brings you the indictment of

Jared Kushner.

Vice President Pence, I hope Santa also brings you a very long vacation next

year as well.

Because the last thing you want is him to become president. That would be a

disaster.

What a Merry Christmas special it's been.

And now it's time for the last Christmas gift of the evening.

I'm going to give Bebe her exclusive.

Oh, finally.

Here it is. Okay.

I came up with Christmas.

What? No, that's the title of your special. And you didn't come up with

Christmas. I came up with my Christmas. And it's totally different from regular

Christmas.

Regular Christmas is supposed to be about celebrating the birth of Jesus.

A man who was selfless and kind and died for our sins.

But I'm greedy and petty. And you die for my sins.

I'm the opposite of Christ.

I'm the Antichrist.

But I am a savior of myself, my family.

and some of the worst, most hateful ideas that decent Americans thought were

long dead.

Stop waiting for a Christmas miracle.

What you see is what you get.

I'm not going to suddenly turn into a Christian or a populist or

a good friend or a good father or become presidential or

even a politician who actually believes what he says.

Time me. Get used to it. Wise up.

It's not what you thought

when you first began

it.

You got

What you want, you can hardly

stand it, though by now you know it's not

going to stop.

It's not.

Going to stop till you wipe up.

You're sure there's a cure?

Pain. What?

Drink.

Shrink your teeth.

Just give up.

Unless Americans got more creative with their civil disobedience and used the

Constitution as a weapon against the main person who swore to uphold it. And

you imagine if the Democratic Party actually rallied behind a coherent

that speaks to the working class people I conned? They could even take my

catchphrase. Make America great again.

It's the perfect slogan for whoever runs against me in 2020.

Because I'm making America a lot of things. But great isn't one of them.

I think I shot the coal vent, Dad.

Oh, wait a minute.

Is that what I think it is?

It's coaling, everyone.

It's coaling. It's a coal man.