All language subtitles for The President Show s01e00 A Nation in Pieces

Hello? Sir?

Who's that?

Don't hurt me. I'm just a little boy.

No, sir, it's just me. It's just me.
Mike?

I thought you were a ghost.

Oh, thank you very much, sir. What are
you doing awake? The show ended hours

ago. You should be tucked into bed,
dreams screaming and sweating through

mattress pad.

I have tweeter's block, Mike. I've been
sitting here trying to think up some

classic burns, but I'm just... Out of
ideas.

Well, you know what might help?

Cheesecake? Already thought of that.

No, sir. I was going to suggest we
revisit some of the best moments from

President Show.

I know. Why don't we revisit some of the
best moments from The President Show?

That's a great idea, sir. Let's start
with some of your press conferences.

That's perfect. I hate the stupid
crooked media.

They're my favorites.

Welcome to The President Show.

I'm the president, and I'm also the
show.

Can you comment on the timing of your
decision to fire James Comey? I don't

know. The timing?

During Judge Judy.

I don't see color. I can't. Because on
Monday, I stared directly into the sun.

Sir, the House is talking impeachment.

Houses don't talk, you dummy.

I have a new chief of staff, General
John Kelly, a very tough guy, and I

the general. He gets me the best car
insurance rates online, which, as we all

know, saves some time.

It's an illegal storm.

They're sending their worst winds, their
hardest rains.

There's some bad storm breath.

Why does your immigration plan play so
much importance on the ability to speak

English? If you want to live here, you
need to talk English very good.

As a president who English great, me
know job good is important for job do.

Russia stabs me in the back. My allies
betray me.

Spicer ban and Kushner rights.

No one understands my struggle.

I'm the president.

Can you believe it? Can you believe it?
Can you believe it? Can you relief it?

Can you confify it? I cannot believe it.
Let's roll!

You know, Mike, we really have a lot of
fun here on the President's Show. Oh, of

course, sir. It has been the honor and
privilege of my life. Put a sock in it,

you buttermilk -soaked tampon. Whatever
you say, boss.

You're one of the great suck -ups, Mike.
Oh. I mean that sincerely.

And you're a heck of a sidekick.

With me now is the kid who always
reminds the teacher she forgot to give

homework. He's America's answer to white
rice with no salt. He's a wet

marshmallow coughed up by a dog. Dried
Elmer's glue in the shape of a man. My

friend. Oh, thank you. Well,

thank you, sir.

What an exciting first hundred days,
right, Mike?

Oh, absolutely, sir. You have really put
some cinnamon on the oatmeal.

Thanks.

Thanks, Mike. You're welcome.

Sir, is that what I think it is? Yes,
it's a pile of silk neckties that I got

from Moscow. Now, quick, we've got to
throw something over them. Oh, no.

You mean you want me to help you cover
up your Russian ties?

Yeah, Mike.

Yes.

You've got to help me cover up my
Russian ties.

I have a nanny cam, Mike.

Roll it, Dre.

I'll see you in hell.

Yes, come on. I'm the president.

What?

Ah!

Bring it, bring it, bring it, bring it.
Mikey P could get used to this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was fun, but back
to me.

I still can't think of a good tweet. I
mean, what do I do, Mike? Well, sir,

let's think. What makes you happy?

Oh, I don't know, Rose.

The smell of tiki torches, a soft padded
toilet seat, retweeting violent memes.

Yes. What about the great death pieces
we've had on the show? Those have been

very fun.

Maybe. It's time for executive orders.

I've said such nice things about Kim
Jong -un, Rodrigo Duterte, and

something, something, Edgerton from
Turkey.

executive order dictator sleepover.

Nice. Nice.

Nice.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

Me. Clam chowder. Not nice.

History. John McCain.

Corn chowder.

It's fake chowder. Fake chowder.

You're taking jobs away from hard
-working clans.

This American cornage ends now.

Well, you're locked.

Don't call me, don't call me, don't call
me, don't call me, don't call me.

Oh, no, that's a tape.

God damn it, Mike. I'm a leaker. I hate
that stupid comment.

He ruins everything.

I'm sorry, sir.

I'm unseemly.

Rush Limbaugh is a trash bag full of
toxic medical waste that's been sitting

and that's on all week. And he's my
friend.

It's me, the only f***able guy in the
White House.

You took one look at the Civil War and
you said, not on my watch.

Listen to me.

I have nothing to do with the Civil War.

No, no, no, no, no.

Let me say this. And when I say that,
what I mean is, I'm going to say

something. The whole thing with
Obamacare was that a black guy told us

and we did not like that.

And then... And then you said he was
born in Kenya, but you knew.

No, no.

You knew he wasn't born in Kenya. No, I
did not.

Quick. Oh, no.

Hi, General Kelly.

I feel crazy.

Sir, you are not crazy.

Wrong.

It's me. Me.

Me, me, this is horrible.

Me, me, me, me.

No, no, no.

Me, me, me.

I am not compromised.

Me, me, me, me.

God damn it. God damn it. Oh, God.

God damn it. No, no, no.

Me, me, me. Me, me.

Thanks, Mike.

Hold on.

Trust me!

Trust me!

Mike,

I've got it. I'm unblocked. Oh, good,
sir. You remembered what you wanted to

tweet. No, I'm going to hit the can.

We'll be right back.

Ooh, I've got to go, Mike.

No, no, if you go number two, you have
to do it in the Rose Garden.

Mike!

You want to take a picture with me?

A total?

Let's just do it and then be done, okay?

What a wonderful little girl. I am a
disgrace to the world.

I am a disgrace.

I spent that whole commercial break on
the toilet,

and I didn't even think of anything to
tweak.

Well, what about a change of scenery,
sir? Only good things happen when you

leave the White House and interact with
the public. The public?

Ew! We want to make sure that school is
good for you. We think you guys can go

without lunch.

You don't need lunch.

You know you don't need lunch.

So you're going to face, heart to heart,
belly button to belly button. Good.

You speak any English?

We're going to nuke you guys.

Okay, good.

Paul, Paul, it's an incline. I can't go
down.

Now,

the best thing about Wendy's is it's
square.

Isn't it better to hire a bunch of
people and you don't pay them?

And then when they sue you, you
negotiate down the road.

No, that's not what I mean. Not in our
field. We don't do that. We don't do

that. That's what I've done for years.
That's not a good boy. See, if you did

that in our life, you won't last.

No. You'd be gone.

Gone.

I felt like a regular schnook.

Nevertheless, I persisted.

Good boy, Gloria.

Don't do this to me. You are so
disgusting. Thank you.

We're going to destroy everybody. We're
going to kill everybody. Don't worry.

We're going to kill everyone. We'll kill
everyone's families.

Get some Burger King.

That's when everyone, that's when mama's
not home to watch you.

What am I?

What am I? I'm my dad at his meetings.

Mr. President. What? Are you going to
embarrass the United States by not

how to handle these things?

No, I'm going to embarrass the United
States by sidling up to neo -Nazis.

So after my dad made a ton more money
evicting minorities from their

which was always a thrill, we moved from
the hole I lived in to this piss hole

over here.

I don't want to go. I know, but it's
time to go. I don't want to go. It's

to go. I don't want to go. It's time to
go. I don't want to go.

We had a lot of fun.

We had a lot of fun.

Remember my birthday gift? Lick it up,
my friend.

Lick it up.

I'm going to throw up.

I'm going to throw up.

No, I'm not.

A truck.

Oh boy, oh boy. Oh boy, oh boy.

There we go.

Hong Kong. Hong Kong goes the truck.

Hong Kong goes the truck. Hong Kong goes
the truck. Did you guys see? The truck

goes Hong Kong.

Did you see that? Did you see it?
Unbelievable.

It's so crazy. And you see how I move
big trucks, big wheels. And the big

go around.

And then when you pull on the horse, the
one goes crazy.

And the truck's so unbelievable because
it's a tremendous truck. I wish we had a

bigger truck. Wouldn't it be great if a
big truck came?

Like a big truck.

Big 18 -wheeler truck.

And they're all down.

And then a guy showed up. And he was a
macho guy.

And he says to me, you drive the truck.
And then I get to drive the truck.

And I get to go all the way down, and I
drive it right into the river.

And then I drown in the river, and I
feel the water seeping over me.

And then the air leaves my lungs.

And in the moment where my body starts
to react and wants air, I let go.

And when I let go, the water fills my
lungs, and I'm finally at peace.

And only then do I find the complete...

An absolute solitude that I've wanted.

Anyway, I want to go home, Bridget. I'm
tired.

Mike, I have to say, I don't remember
any of that.

We'll be right back.

Wow.

Sir, no. Oh, Mike, this is hopeless.

I can't think of anything to tweet, and
I've run out of things to eat. Now I

have tweeters block and eaters block.

Well, sir, what if you tweet at someone?
We've had lots of great guests on the

show.

Please welcome Keith Olbermann. Matt
Walsh. Linda Sarsour.

Please welcome DeRay McKesson.

Joy Bayard.

So how can I start an improv theater?
Because, you know, people say I'm an

improv president.

You have to be playful and
collaborative.

None of this is anything in your
personality. I want to sit here and be

What are some of the rules of improv?

I just told you what improv is.

I literally just broke it down for you,
Mr. President. I hope you know I'm

always meditating because I'm always
going like this. You have the classic

mudras of self -loathing. Of course I
do.

Thanks. That's tremendous.

Isn't that tremendous?

Now, I was sitting with you on the View
election night special when the results

were coming in. What was going through
your mind when I was winning?

I was drinking. I was drinking.

I was becoming an alcoholic as the
returns were coming in. You're

No, no.

No. Don't you think that there is a love
-hate relationship between the

mainstream media and the Donald Trump
administration in a way that actually

enhances my presidency?

It's a symbiotic relationship, yes.

Unbelievable. I don't go that way, by
the way. But let me tell you this.

What is our revolution?

Because I want nothing to do with it.

But we want nothing to do with you
either, Mr.

President. Wow.

So how do I get America to consent to
me?

I don't think America is ever going to
get used to you. You see in the

resistance that's popped up. You see in
the people in the streets at all the

demonstrations.

It's actually really a great sort of
immune system response.

The immune system response of the nation
to the infection that is your

administration and your presidency.

What is the greatest misunderstanding
about the black experience?

The biggest misunderstanding is that
this system was designed to disadvantage

people. So we think about redlining. We
think about so many other forms of

discrimination. The police, you know,
there are 19 cities in the country where

you're more likely to be killed by a
police officer than by a private

That is wild.

That's wild. But let me guess. Is that
true equally for white people as well as

African -Americans? No, it's
disproportionately tilted towards people

White people?

Towards people of color.

Wow.

Wait a minute.

Nah.

So... You know, some people say that you
have maybe an onset of dementia.

Is that true? Because I saw it just
there. The onset?

Yeah. No, it's full -blown.

Full -blown.

I mean, just the other day, you accused
Qatar of being a terrorist nation.

I hate Qatar.

And then the next day, you sold them $12
billion in weapons. I love Qatar. I

know!

I hate them, but I love them. I mean,
just the other day, you said, like,

is in war with us, and then you went to
Saudi Arabia, and you took their money.

Yeah. Amazing. Exactly. How do you do
it? I'll tell you, by having absolutely

moral center whatsoever.

It's really good. It's just amazing.

Now, you have a new goal, which is a
lose -proof election strategy for 2018.

Can you tell me what it is so I can co
-opt it?

I'm not going to give you all the
details, Donald, because then you're

share it with your little Republican
friend.

But basically, we're all taking
ourselves to the polls and we're going

out those who want to take our health
insurance away, who want to take our

reproductive rights away, who want to
take away the rights of Muslims to

freely. We're just going to take out the
bad guys, you know, drain the swamp.

If I really was a true showman.

what I would do is fire everyone in my
cabinet and like a wrestling heel, flip

and become a good guy. Join with the
Democratic Party, actually advocate for

Black Lives Matter and other
organizations, and basically flip the

everybody. And then everyone would
finally love me, which is all I really

That'd be good.

Wow. I'd shake my own hand if I could.

Donald Trump, everybody.

We'll be right back.

Oh, boy. Oh, sir, no.

Have some discipline, sir. No, please.

Let me get under there like this.

Well, sir, I see re -watching these
clips has relieved you of your tweeters

block. What the hell are you talking
about? I've been tweeting the whole

You have?

So why are we doing this? I don't know.

Take a look.

America first is a powerful phrase with
a tremendous legacy.

It was coined by Woodrow Wilson, our
first volleyball president.

Then used by the KKK and Sky Nazi
Charles Lindbergh.

And like me, they were all hiding
something from you in plain sight.

Isn't it rich?

Are we a pair?

Near at last on the ground. You in
midair.

I am Newt. Spine of Ryan.

Balls of Romney.

Also balls of Cruz.

Balls of Rubio.

Balls of Christie.

So many balls.

And now the country is along for the
ride.

Hanging on my every typo.

Looking for meaning where there is none.

Drink the covfefe, everyone.

I'm just one sad old man in way over his
head.

You can fire Flynn. You can fire Yates.

You can fire Comey. But you can never
fire Mommy.

No!

Dad! You're the disease!

No! No! No! No!

Look! He's trying to do it! He's really
trying to do it!

My chaos is your new reality.

And chaos makes for damn good TV.

The de -evolution will be televised.

Bye -bye.