Original subtitles

? Look up there ?

? What do you see? ?

? Nature and stuff ?

- ? Like a rock ? - ? And a tree ?

? Oh, the Great North ?

? Way up here you can breathe the air ?

? Catch some fish ?

? Or gaze at a bear ?

? Wow ?

? Oh, the Great North ?

? Here we live, oh, oh ?

? Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ?

? From longest night to longest day ?

? In the Great North ?

[cheering]

[Beef whistling]

Huge news, everyone!

According to the minutes of the Town Council meeting last night,

permits are approved!

For, uh... for what, Dad?

"For what?" Just the thing we've been waiting for all year!

Right. Such as, uh...

The permits are approved for whatever they're building

at the empty lot on Edgecumbe Road!

Sick.

Who wants to take a 7-mile walk over there

and see... wazzup?

Oh, uh, I forgot that I didn't finish sleeping,

so good night, everyone.

And Ham and I have been cast in the new Mission Impossible.

Yup. I play the mission.

That's right. And I play Tom... Cruise.

So none of my besties want to come with me?

Sorry, Dad. Maybe you can find someone else

that's into the boring stuff you're into.

Yeah! Like... I don't know,

maybe some kind of colonial ghost.

I do prefer watching concrete dry with company,

but I guess today, I walk alone.

Wow.

- Walt? - Beef?

What are you doing here?

Oh, I live for a ground-breaking.

I'd say they're... groundbreaking.

That's the funniest thing I've ever heard.

Did you see how much rebar they brought in?

Exciting, right?

I'd say the rebar has been raised.

Good sir, you are on fire.

Hey, I was about to go sit on a bench

and eat some boiled eggs. Would you like to join me?

That sounds delightful.

[? "Can't Fight This Feeling" playing]

? And I can't fight this feeling anymore ?

? I've forgotten what I started fighting for ?

- Oh. - Whoo!

[both laugh]

? It's time to bring this ship into the shore ?

[Walt] Huh?

[laughing]

? And throw away the oars, forever ?

Yum, yum, yum, yum!

[both laughing]

[narrator on TV] Ice, the hard water of winter.

? I've forgotten what I started fighting for ?

? And if I have to crawl upon the floor ?

[both laughing]

[Beef] Oh, that's gotta be 25 feet deep.

[Walt] Oh, easily.

[whistles]

That is gonna be one hell of a medical plaza.

You said it, friend.

[mugs clink]

Dad, Walt,

another great dinner.

Well, thank you, son. It was a team effort.

I mixed up the tuna. But Walt cooked the noodles.

And I think we can all agree that they were the stars of this casserole.

Since Esther's gone all month at the fire station,

we've got many more joint casseroles

up our sleeves for you kids.

Aw, that rips.

Oh, you all should have seen the Edgecumbe Road site today.

We got a bunch of pictures.

Ooh, let's pass our phones around

so everyone can get a gander.

- Oh. - Okay.

- Oh, yeah you definitely see pipes there. - Okay.

Don't forget to post these to the shared album, Beef.

Of course, and I'll print them up for the binder as well.

Woo! Another great date night in the books!

Time to pick the next one.

Tailgating? Why did you put this in here?

We don't like football.

Wait, tailgating is a football thing?

I thought it was a sex thing.

Tailgating it is!

Oh, look, the Tuntleys are here. And they're with...

[Honeybee gasps] Wait. Is that the Puck-Bottoms?

We haven't seen them since we went to dinner with them at FancyTon's.

Oh, I remember.

[Wolf] Mmm, mmm.

This is the best black forest cake.

You can really taste the trees.

Pricey, but worth it,

like seeing Minions in 4DX!

[Honeybee] When the bill came, I reached into my purse for my credit card,

assuming we would split the check.

But then she just pulled out a lip gloss and said...

Oh, thank you for dinner!

[Honeybee] We wound up paying for the whole thing.

We'll get the next one.

[echoing] Next one, next one...

You know how many times I've tried to set up that "next one"?

Yeah, too bad they had to cancel on us last month

because they were looking for their turtle.

And the month before that when they also lost their turtle.

They gotta AirTag that guy.

Yeah, they're so busy,

and yet here they sit with the Tuntleys.

[gasps] Oh, my God. Is she-

Unbelievable! They did it again.

They got the Tuntleys to pay for their fancy dinner.

This is turtle-y messed up!

And Tuntle-y messed up.

Joke works both ways!

[Beef and Walt chuckling]

Wow, our dads are truly a match made in heaven.

Yeah, I love my father,

but I'm thrilled not to go watch the train pass by

with him three times a week.

And I didn't even have to pretend

to have an opinion on chainsaws tonight.

Beef jumped right in.

They might even be best friends now.

[sighs] Look at them exchanging a tack hammer under the moonlight.

If they have a best-friend ceremony,

I'd really love to give Dad away.

They didn't even offer to split the bill!

- Oh, hey, guys! - [screams]

Oh, my stars and garters, you scared the heck out of us.

Oops, sorry. We were going for a fun reveal.

What in the heck are you doing in here, guys?

We saw you with the Puck-Bottoms and let me guess,

you paid, and they said they'll "get the next one"?

Uh-oh. There is no "next one"?

Nope. And when we went out with them,

they even had more drinks than me,

which is very hard to do.

I knew I liked you, Wolf!

Well, crap on a cracker.

Bummer, right? It's not that easy to find fun

new people to hang out within Lone Moose.

Yeah, so many drifters!

Oh, well, I guess that's that.

Or what if I told you Wolf and I have a plan

to get them to finally buy us a meal?

- You want in? - You bet your ass we do.

Should we go discuss it over drinks right now?

Oh, you know it!

[phone vibrates]

Ooh, a text from Walt.

"The Glacier Discovery Railcar is gonna pass by at 10:15

on its way to a repair depot.

Rare sighting, see you there?"

Oh, wow!

Which belt should I choose...

[gasps] What?

No. No!

Damn. Do we have drifters again?

Worse. My favorite belt is missing.

Your commemorative belt for the retirement

of the Princess Di Beanie Baby?

[Judy] The double-belt that wraps around your waist twice for extra pants security?

No, no. Those belts are ranked two and three.

I'm talking about... my train belt.

[all gasps]

The one where the buckle is an engine

and the hand-tooled leather train cars

wrap all the way around?

[sighs] The very one.

Could you have misplaced it?

No! No way. It never leaves its peg.

- It's too precious. - Then it's got to be in the house.

I've looked everywhere!

I could pop over to Heather's Leathers

in Death Cliff to buy you a new one-

Ham! It was one of a kind! Hewn from moose skin

by Strap Knucklethorn, Alaska's premier belt-smith,

who died shortly after in an accident.

The only belt he wouldn't be seen in was a seat belt.

[groans] Could we have had a burglar?

I mean, maybe, but they only took one belt?

Right, right, of course, they would have taken all the belts.

All right, time to take this search to the streets.

I need everyone out there, lifting up shirts, checking waists.

- Absolutely not. - I'm not gonna do that.

Fine. I'm gonna go check the outbuildings.

Ignore my screams.

10-4, buddy.

All right, my Elizabeth Cady Stanton essay is done

and I got to go use the feminists' room.

Okay, say hi to the toilet for me.

You know it!

[Walt singing] ? Choo, choo goes the train belt! ?

[whispers] "Train belt"?

Oh! Hi, Judy.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

You know what, I just forgot where he belt room-

I mean, the bathroom was.

But actually I have so much diarrhea,

I'm just gonna go ahead and run home and do it there.

Bye! Bye-bye!

- Bye, Kima! Diarrhea! I'm going home. - Okay.

Say hi to your toilet for me.

Oh, wait. Judy, your bag!

Oh, yeah, I'll just get it tomorrow.

I have too much diarrhea.

See you later, bye!

By God, I hope she makes it.

- Judy, we got your text. What's going on? - Where's Dad?

He's looking for the belt in the woods.

He thinks maybe a bunch of birds conspired to take it.

Well, I know where the belt is,

and it's somewhere very, very, very, very bad.

Where? Just tell us already!

Don't rush me, you know I have a very keen sense of drama!

We all do! It's what defines us as a family!

- But spit it out! - [sighs] Fine! [exhales]

Gather round for Judy!

Argh! Walt has it!

Dad's brand-new best friend, Walt, has stolen his favorite belt!

- Oh! - Aah!

[Beef] Aah!

Wait. Did I just hear three cries of anguish?

Please tell me Dad is not under this porch

having heard every word we said.

Dad? Are you under this very porch

having heard every word we said?

[Beef] I'm afraid so, son.

I thought maybe the birds hid my belt under here to drive me mad.

Dad, I'm telling you the truth!

Your train belt was in Walt's room.

Believe women.

There is no way that my friend took my belt!

Walt has some very nice waist-candy of his own.

Maybe you simply imagined one of his belts was mine.

No, it was your waist-candy. I'm sure of it!

If one more person says waist-candy,

I'm gonna Kool-Aid Man right through this wall.

Dad, Walt took it!

Enough! I will not sit here and listen to these lies.

We will simply go to his house and clear this up

right this second.

I'll drive.

[Wolf] Ah, man, I can't believe the Puck-Bottoms still haven't left

to scam a couple for a free dinner!

So much for following and trapping them.

Hmm. I guess they don't run their dinner con every night.

That's okay,

I've always wanted to do a stakeout.

Don't say steak, hon!

I'm so hungry.

Speaking of dinner, our pizza order is almost here!

In the delivery instructions I put, "We're in a van,

but don't worry, we won't kill you."

Sounds like you covered our bases!

Should we play a little game while we're waiting?

I could get out our interesting questions jar.

What the heck?

We do that for date night ideas!

We also have one for positions!

Oh, uh-

Political positions.

As we age, we like to make sure we're still on the same page.

Ooh, tough one!

Would you rather have four arms or four legs?

As in, all arms no legs, or four arms in addition to two legs?

Like you are now, but with extras.

Oh, arms, for sure.

Imagine me wearing four different mittens.

Pretty cozy image, huh?

That goes right in the old cozy bank!

Oh, hey, there's our pizza.

What the-

[all] No! That's our pizza!

Hey!

[doorbell rings]

My salami and pineapple

with double crust and extra sauce!

Did they just get another free meal out of us?

[sighs] Yeah, I believe they did.

We're gonna have to dig pretty deep in the cozy bank to get over this one.

Oh, there's something!

[Ham] Seems like they aren't home, huh?

Ah, dang, I forgot they were going to see Heating Dad 2: Too Hot 2 Parent.

Well, I happen to know where the spare key is.

It's in my wallet, in case of emergencies.

We will simply go in, clear Walt's name

and then find the damn birds who framed him.

[Ham] Chest of drawers are clear.

Of course they are.

I know I saw your belt, it was right there on the bed.

Maybe it was just a dead snake.

No, I distinctly saw the brass locomotive buckle.

So someone put a brass locomotive on a dead snake!

Yeah, that's probably what happened.

I searched the entire closet, and it isn't here, Judy.

- Walt's heart is as pure as- - [door opening]

- [gasps] Oh, my God, someone's here! - [man whistling]

[whispering] That's Walt's whistle.

He must have forgotten something. Hide!

[singing] ? Best belt, best belt best belt in the world! ?

[softly] No. No!

That psychopath is flaunting it.

- Walter! - [screams]

What are you doing in my closet?

What are you doing in my belt?

- I... I... - Never mind, don't answer.

I knew this friendship was too good to be true.

You're actually... not nice!

- [gasps] - Was any of it real?

Or was all the hanging out just a ploy to get your hands on my belt?

It's not your belt! It's my belt.

Your belt? What are you talking about?

Do you have some kind of belt madness

and can't be reasoned with? Give it back!

I do not have belt madness, and I can be reasoned with,

but I will not be giving it back!

Fine, then I'm taking your laptop computer.

Hey! That's my work laptop.

No, it's my work laptop!

Kids, let's go!

Good night, Mr. Evanoff.

Have fun at Heating Dad 2!

? Watchin' the train ?

? Without you ?

? And the nail joke doesn't land ?

It was so fun to watch the concrete set all day, huh?

Okay.

[narrator on TV] Sand, the snowflakes of summer.

? Wish I could call you ?

Maybe it's the fourth margarita talking,

but I think "Release alligator at the Puck-Bottoms' home"

should be back on the table.

[laughs] If we already had an alligator, sure.

Oh! Maybe we send them an email with a fake coupon

for a free dinner at a specific place.

Ooh, yeah. It's the one thing we know they can't resist.

And we join them and make them pay the bill.

And then we release an alligator-

- Get off the alligator, Wolf. - You got it. Love the plan!

[doorbell chiming]

- Good morning, Maude. - Morning, hon.

You want your usual?

Oh, hello, Mr. Evanoff.

I see you've added "stealing sugar"

to your list of crimes.

It's complimentary!

Maude, tell him he is not good!

Why would I do that?

See? Maude's on my side.

Well, you do use a lot of sugar.

Walt, I always come here this time of day,

so you will simply have to choose another coffee shop.

- Maude, tell him. - I was here first.

Maude, tell Beef he's the one who has to go.

Okay, nope. Both of you out!

[both] On what grounds?

On the grounds of you acting weird.

Give me that belt!

[both grunting]

This isn't over!

Maude, can I please just run back inside

and put my muffin in my pocket?

Fine, but hurry!

Guys, thanks for meeting us.

We brought your dad's laptop back.

Sorry that he almost got fired.

Thanks.

And our dad wanted us to negotiate the dissolution of the friendship.

Which we absolutely should not do.

Yeah, their friendship made our lives so much better.

- We need to fix it. - Yep. And the sooner the better.

This morning, Dad drew me into a 45-minute conversation about lumber.

Plus, our dads are great together

and deserve to be best friends.

Sure, sure, whatever, yeah.

Okay, we gotta get them back together.

But how?

Oh, what if we put some loose chainsaws

in the center of town in two huge mousetraps?

Or... Kima, remember when Bobby Seattle moved here

for fifth grade and we both fell for him?

Oh, lord, the Battle for Seattle.

But then our teacher made us put on the Get-Over-It Overalls

- and we got over it. - [sighs] Explain.

If you got in a fight with a friend,

you had to get into a giant pair of overalls

and stay in them until you made up.

Okay, so we... get some really big clothes and-

No, it doesn't have to be overalls, Ham,

but we do need to force our D's together somehow.

And, yes, I do hear how that sounds,

but no, I will not be revising.

I've got it. We don't have a pair of double-wide pants,

but I do know where to find a double-wide belt.

Wow, what a large booth for just the two of us!

Well, you did call and change your reservation

to six people.

What? No. It's just the two.

Surprise!

What the- What is going on?

Oh, what's going on is that we knew that you two

wouldn't be able to resist a free meal!

This is a sting! Tonight, our dinner is on you.

Wait, you lured us here with a fake coupon

to make us pay for your dinner?

Hmm. Well played.

Oh, hello there. We'll see your wine list and your cocktail list,

and any other list you got there, hon.

Thanks for suggesting this, guys.

The site looks even more beautiful under a full moon.

Should we get a closer look at that backhoe?

Don't threaten me with a good time.

Oh, no! What's this?

Why is he here?

Everyone go!

What the hell? Are you belting us together?

[both grunt]

Dane, don't you dare lift this loader!

[Judy] All right, you absolute weirdos,

you're in the Bury-The-Hatchet- Belted-Backhoe-Bucket now,

so you better start talking.

[both grunting]

So the idea is that they come out

as one super-dad, right?

Sure, Ham. Sure.

[both grunting]

You lunatics better let us down now

or Christmas is canceled!

We will let you down when you two have talked this out

like reasonable adults.

Fine, I'll start.

Why the hell did you take

my train belt in the first place?

I thought we were friends!

I already told you why.

Because it's my train belt.

Okay, that's it. [grunting]

What are you- What are you doing?

I'm beating you up!

Hey! Ow! Stop pinching my love handles.

[sighs] This is the weirdest thing

I've ever been involved in.

Stop wedgie-ing me!

You wish!

[both struggling]

Ow. Hey!

Stop it. Stop it.

- Stop it! - Gosh, it's majestic up here.

Do not change the subject!

[Honeybee] Well, I enjoyed my lava cake.

The real gold foil on top must have been pricey,

but I don't care 'cause I'm not paying.

Of course not. We are.

And that's the right thing to do. It is our turn.

We just hope there's no hard feelings.

Here you go.

Thanks. I'll run this right now.

All right, I believe our debts are paid.

Hmm. And I think we learned something this evening about generosity.

Enjoy your evening.

And with that, we'll be on our way.

- Hope to see you all again. - For sure, next round's on us.

Wolf, no!

Whew, I am stuffed.

I have 37 caviar deviled eggs in my stomach right now,

and they are a-talkin'.

And, here's your check. No rush.

Okay, but... we just paid.

Um... paid who?

The waiter. [gasps] Oh, no.

[car beeps]

Damn it, the waiter was the drifter

from the bus depot.

I knew that face!

Well, Steve Urkel's ankles, they got us again!

Well, I guess since those guys are criminals,

there really are no new fun couples to befriend in Lone Moose!

Guys, am I crazy, or are we new fun couple friends?

Well, well, well. I guess life can surprise you after all.

How about we just go get curly fries

at McSnownalds and sit on the curb and eat them?

I'm definitely drunk enough to eat again.

Up top.

Now, real talk, are we calling our group the Tunt-bins or the Toe-tunts?

- Mmm, let's keep thinking! - Toe-tunts!

Beef, I know this sounds crazy,

but that train belt, it really is my belt.

Walt, that's impossible.

Kathleen gave it to me for my birthday right before Ham was born.

It's literally the only time she remembered my birthday.

Yeah, I know. But she gave it to you after she stole it from me.

- Wait, really? - Yes.

I didn't know either of you very well back then,

but you and Kathleen came to a party at my apartment

and she went "shopping" in my closet.

When I asked her to give it back,

she stabbed me with a ballpoint pen.

That was my girl.

Then when I saw it in your closet, boy,

did I want it chugging around my midsection again.

Understandable.

But you could have just told me.

Well, I knew how much it meant to you.

And as much as I wanted it back,

I also didn't want to upset you

- because we were becoming... - Best friends?

Yep. And I didn't want to rock the best friend boat.

So I figured I could just reclaim it

and never wear it when you were around

and then no one would get hurt.

I'm sorry this turned into such a mess.

Even though it's my favorite belt,

well... choo, choo, all aboard, she's yours.

Again, it's my belt, but thank you.

The view of the site really is amazing from up here.

[Walt] Oh, yeah.

You see that waterproofing

they've started on the outer wall over there?

- Gorgeous. - [Beef] Hubba hubba.

Aw! I think they made up.

Looks like it.

Let's lower and un-belt our adult fathers.

[Beef] Oh, my God, is that a Face/Off belt signed by John Woo?

She's a real beaut!

Oh, wow, it's a set of two,

and you can switch the Travolta and Cage buckles.

Uh, add to cart, then add to waist!

[Mr. Tuntley singing] ? When I'm stressed when I'm down ?

? When I'm about to frown ?

? I pause and refill the tank and dig into the cozy bank ?

? Gifting fruitcakes in December ?

? Movies in my wife's she-shed ?

? Song lyrics I remember ?

? Scrolling vid-voks snuggled in bed ?

? Big icicles on gutter spouts ?

? Cozy bank is what life's all about ?

? Gorgeous locks of actress Connie Britton ?

? Wolf's four hands each one wearing a mitten ?

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