Original subtitles

-♪ Look up there ♪ -♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

-♪ Like a rock ♪ -♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

[cheering]

♪ ♪

Wow, another innovative dinner, Dad.

Smooshed beans and wet eggs

with a slice of bread soaked in applesauce?

[groans]

It was good.

I barely even had to swallow.

We can have dry eggs, firm beans,

and un-dampened bread again

when Judy and Ham's wisdom teeth wounds are healed.

Ooh, that reminds me.

After dinner, we'd better go repack

our gauze and grab our antibiotics

to take on the field trip.

It's so cool your school has

an overnight stargazing field trip.

In Fresno, we had to spend the night in an almond factory.

I smelled like smokehouse flavoring for weeks after.

Well, with the view up there of Curlew's Kissin' Comets,

tonight is gonna be smooch-tacular.

Uh-oh, what's a "Kissin' Comet"?

Am I about to hear a bunch of quirky Lone Moose nonsense?

Oh, yes, it's some of our finest.

The comets come around every 23 years.

And legend has it, if you kiss someone

as the comets pass each other,

your souls will be tied together forever.

The story goes that tens or maybe thousands

of years ago, an amateur explorer

named Dynastus Curlew saw a comet,

and followed it thinking it was the North Star.

[Moon] And meanwhile, across the sea,

a different amateur explorer named Thora Tronk

saw a different comet in the sky and followed it

into rough waters.

[Beef] They were both idiots who had no business

captaining vessels.

[Ham] But they let the power

of fate guide them.

And as the comets inched closer

together, so did they until they actually collided.

[Wolf] They both broke so many bones.

[Judy] But then they kissed

just as the comets passed each other overhead.

[Moon] Then once they felt better,

they got married by the King Of the Birds and--

Wait, who's the King of the Birds?

No interrupting the nonsense, please.

[Judy] And Thora and Dynastus were together for 100 years.

[Ham] Their souls were so intertwined,

that when they died,

their skeletons were buried holding hands.

Okay, why did they wait till they were

skeletons to bury them?

Please do not question

our quirky legends.

She's right to question the legend.

I don't believe the comets bring with them

a beautiful romantic fate,

-but rather a terrible curse. -[groans]

Dad's a comet-hater because last time

the Kissin' Comets were here a couple decades ago

he kissed Mom under them, and then,

as we all know, that crazy B bailed on him.

All I'm saying is beware whose lips befall you tonight

from 9:23 to 9:57 p.m.

You might believe you're getting a fairytale,

when in fact you're getting a big bowl of spoiled fudge.

And HPV. And gonorrhea.

-[horn honking] -And thank God that's our ride.

Come on, Ham, come on, Moon, let's go!

Don't worry, Dad, since I'm part of the Lil' Preppers

Lil' Chaperone program, I'll keep an eye on them.

I only need two more tattles before I get my snitch badge.

Ooh, we should head out, too.

Beef, are you sure you don't want to come with us

for a drink at The Red Tooth?

I'll pass. I'm not gonna give the comets

another chance to curse me.

Ah, suit yourself. I'm gonna buy a drink

for every broad in that bar

and see who the comet chooses for me.

I'll set an extra place for breakfast.

Hmm.

All alone in the house.

Total privacy.

What to do?

[gasps] Snake all the drains in the upstairs bathroom?

Let's get it, clog hogs.

Okay, everyone please stay

within the campground's perimeter.

Sandy?

We'll be right back.

We just have to check

on the trees.

[sighs] Look at all those idiots.

[scoffs]

They think making out in the woods is so cool?

Huh. Maybe if you haven't heard of travel scrabble

-with your sister. -Not cool.

-[both shout] -But you know what is cool?

Looking for a backpack full of a drug called Gank.

It fell off a plane and got lost in these woods.

I'm not making it up just to lead you two

on a wild-goose chase just to entertain myself.

Let's find it. It's real.

Ha! Travel scrabble can eat my butt.

Let's find some Gank.

Guys, come back!

Please!

Principal Gibbons, did you not bring any adult chaperones?

The Lil' Preppers Lil' Chaperones were anticipating

more of a supporting role.

We had dozens of parent volunteers.

The sign-up sheet outside my office was full.

Huh, let's see. "Boobs Johnson,

"Ketchup Wienerland,

Mary Fadasserson"?

Ah, Principal Gibbons,

-you got got. -Oh, no.

Okay, well, maybe I'll just make some calls.

Oh, shoot, I forgot they said

the comets would mess with the cell service. [grunts]

I'm gonna go hide Gibbons's guitar.

He told me he's gonna play "Fireflies" by Owl City

when the comets pass.

I can't let him do that to us.

Or to music in general.

Russell, I have a confession.

Oh, no. Are you the Zodiac Killer?

I'll still be your friend, but I don't agree with it.

Russell, no.

Tonight, when the comets are crossing,

I'm gonna ask Quinn if she wants

to be my girlfriend.

[giggles]

My Moon's in love.

And then we'll kiss and be together forever

until we die and they'll leave us out

until we're skeletons and then bury us together holding hands.

[giggling] Oh, God, it's so romantic.

And another dropped call.

Welp, best of luck to all those dumb,

little horn-dogs out there.

Okay, how's this for a pickup line?

I throw a crumpled-up napkin at a gal's face,

and then say, "Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought your face was a garbage can."

[chuckles] I want a woman who can laugh at herself.

Babe, we got to start checking what podcasts she downloads.

[engine sputtering]

[groans] Nuts and butts!

The car's breaking down again?

No problem, my luscious Lightning McQueen.

I'll call roadside assistance.

Dang it! No reception.

Well, what's the plan?

The gals with the dentures go home early,

and I'm looking to swap spit and teeth tonight.

Hmm, we're not far from Old Moose Retirement Home.

We could walk there and use their landline

-to call a tow truck. -Great.

Don't let the door hit ya.

No dice, Aunt Dirt, you're coming with us.

I say this with love, but when you fall asleep in the car,

you look like a corpse, and then people call the police.

Last time you made it all the way into a drawer at the morgue

before we figured out where you were.

Best sleep of my life.

-[Honeybee] Dirt! -Okay, here I come.

Okay.

What should I snake next? [gasps]

Oh, my gosh.

Judy and Ham forgot their antibiotics and gauze.

They could get a mild infection.

This isn't so bad.

Road is completely empty,

which means no one's around to tempt my lips.

Current smooch threat: level zero--

[both shouting]

Miss, are you okay?

[exhales]

I am now. Hi, Beef.

Well, if it isn't my former sexual lover,

Greta Meatweep.

And my former sexual lover, you.

Any chance you're headed up to the State Park?

I could use a ride.

[gulps] Well played, comets.

So you see I was trying to hitchhike up to where I can see

the comets and I got too hot because I have something

called Chronic Furnace Skin, so I tried

to take my sweater off, but lifting my arms

aggravated my Sloppy Spine Syndrome

so I just dipped my head down and then I got stuck.

A tale as old as time.

Beef, this feels like wondrous fate.

I hope I'm not being too forward,

but does your mouth have plans set for tonight

around Kissin' Comet o'clock?

Oh, uh, nothing personal,

but I am hoping to have my mouth safely locked

behind my bedroom door at that time. [chuckles]

Well, if your mouth changes its mind,

let my mouth know.

Huh, I guess I'll poke down this way and look for an office.

Ooh, I'll come. Their vending machine has

a butterscotch shaped like a corn cob pipe.

It's disgusting. I'm gonna get two.

Well, might as well go bump into people

and see what loose coins fall out of their cardigans.

Hey, idiots.

Okay, so Bethany, are we finding

this Gank to do it or to sell it?

Well, we'll either collect the reward money

or we'll sell it.

Right. Right. Right, of course.

And have you ever done it before?

Oh, yeah, I've definitely done it a lot,

because of how real it is.

So, remind me, how do you do Gank?

I'm pretty sure there's a bunch of ways.

But I think most people slurp it.

Yeah, I thought so.

I thought slurping, too.

Hi, Quinn.

How's the tent work going?

Pretty good. I'm averaging five minutes a tent,

but I think I can get it down to four.

Incredible.

So, I was wondering if maybe I could talk to you

alone about something.

Maybe up on Captain's Crest?

If we left now, we could arrive at, oh,

say 9:23 p.m. exactly?

Isn't that right as the comets begin to pass?

Is it? Huh, interesting.

Time, huh?

If you say so, but, yeah, sure, I'll go.

Give me three and a half minutes.

I'm gonna push myself on this last tent.

[Dirt] Yes, yes, yes, poodle skirts,

Jell-O molds, smoking while pregnant.

Dirt Tobin? You live here now?

Ha! You wish.

My grand-niece-in-law had car trouble, so I'm just

mixing and swindling to kill some time.

Deuces.

Cary Grant's shirt and pants.

What's going on here?.

Doors and windows lock at 8:00 p.m.

'cause of the memory wing patients.

You'll get used to it.

Ha! I'm not getting used to anything.

Can't believe you fell for the old car-broke-down routine.

My family told me they were having

American Idol: Old-les auditions in here.

That was eight years ago, haven't seen 'em since.

Well, that's different, you've got a terrible personality.

I'm a universal delight.

Ha. They're still here.

[gasps]

Did those weasel butts really sign me over

to this geezer gallery?

Welcome home.

My home is an unmarked hole in the ground.

Now boost me, you son of a bitch!

I'm busting out.

[both grunting]

[Greta] Thanks again for the ride, Beef.

Enjoy the stargazing.

As long as my Ice Cream Bones don't melt,

I should have a wonderful night.

Nice try, comets.

But this fate-fearing fish

isn't going to bite the first shiny,

sexy lure in front of him. [grunts]

Oh, hi, Beef.

-Mind if I join you? -Alyson?

Hi. And, uh, sure.

I will just stay on this side of the path.

I assume you're here for the comets?

Yes, but it's strictly business.

I want to get a shot of them together

for the "Boobs in Nature" calendar I'm making.

Of course. So you're not feeling

driven by fate

to intertwine souls?

I love a good intertwining,

but I've found fate's suggestions are usually

less interesting than my own.

Besides, I've always thought the comets story

was kind of drag.

-Really? -These two gorgeous

celestial bodies, flying towards each other

across the universe, who cross

and kiss but never get to...

fully connect?

♪ ♪

Of course, if those two fiery rocks

did slam into each other at a billion miles an hour,

it'd probably wipe out a couple major cities.

One of the D-Dakotas maybe.

Oh, sure, sure.

But after all these years,

doesn't it seem like they should at least get to

try? [sighs]

Well, I'm gonna go find a lookout point

that hasn't been claimed by horny teens yet.

See you around, Beef.

Gibbons?

What is going on here?

Where are all the kids?

Principal Gibbons forgot to invite chaperones.

Didn't forget.

I was deceived.

Well, I just need to track down Ham and Judy.

They just had their wisdom teeth out

and they forgot their antibiotics.

[gasps] Oh, no.

They could get a mild infection.

Exactly.

Did you see which way they went?

I'm in a very big hurry.

I need to be safe at home

before those sinister space orbs

get their claws into me.

Sinister? Tonight is about love

and connection, and in fact...

♪ You would not believe your eyes ♪

♪ If ten million fireflies-- ♪

Incorrect. Tonight is about being tricked

into forging a destiny with someone

who is absolutely wrong for you.

I know those comets are sending

their most dangerous vixens my way.

I already ran into and successfully dodged

two former flames on my way here.

Beef, I really doubt two space rocks

are throwing women at you.

Hi, Beef.

Dell? What on earth are you doing here?

Oh, I drove the bus.

I moonlight as a bus driver

with my company, Moonlight Bus Drivers.

Of course you do. Farewell.

Debbie, come on, the comets are almost crossing.

Oh, what a relief!

It's just my most recent ex-girlfriend.

That's it, that's everyone in town I've ever--

Hey, handsome!

-Oh, God. -It's my friend's bachelorette party

and there's only one item left on our scavenger hunt.

Kiss a sexy redhead.

[screams, panting]

Wait, Mr. Tobin, you're a redhead. Come back!

Bethany, question.

Uh, if we find the Gank,

isn't slanging it illegal?

Oh, yeah, we're taking a risk, because the Gank

is definitely real and we're gonna find it.

The good life won't last forever.

We're definitely gonna turn on each other.

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna kill Judy in a motel shoot-out.

I forgive you in advance, Ham.

You were all Ganked out on Gank.

[gasps] Oh, no. There's someone else out here

looking for the Gank.

When they get here, we jump 'em.

I always knew this would end in a turf war.

Aah! Don't kill us!

We don't have the Gank!

Dad?!

What are you doing here?

I brought you...

these.

You guys are in the pill game, too?

Oof. You're loco.

Errand complete.

But before I head back home,

can you confirm that you've seen Moon alive recently

since there are zero chaperones up here?

Well, judging by where the comets are,

he's definitely up at Captain's Crest, about to kiss Quinn

and intertwine their souls forever.

He's what?!

Yep. He told me all about it.

He's got a whole plan for the perfect 100 years

they'll spend together.

Oh, no. That's exactly how I felt

when I kissed your mother under the comets

and next thing I knew, she was driving

a Harley through the post office.

That curse doesn't just want to ruin my life,

it's going after my son.

I have to stop him!

Well, I guess we know who found the Gank.

Oh, yeah, Dad is clearly Ganked out of his mind.

[Beef] I'm coming, Moon!

They think they can trap me in a senior snooze-atarium?

Oh, when I get out of here, I'm making Siri tell me

all the new punching techniques.

[grunting]

Glasses clinking, chips stacking.

[sniffing] The smell of onion dip?

Is that a boozy poker night?

Okay, same rules as always.

No limits. And, Edie, I say this every time,

no teeth on the table.

Those teeth are all out

and I'm all in.

-[grunting] -What in the--?

Deal me in, ding-dongs.

Moon Tobin!

-I've come to save you. -Dad?

Stop doing whatever you're about to do!

[panting] The curse.

It's coming for you.

I-- Sorry, Quinn.

I'm gonna go over here and talk to my weird dad

who is breathing weird.

Sorry, I ran the whole way up.

Dad, I would like to use the one swear I earned

on my birthday to say,

what the ass, man?

Moon, listen,

I cannot allow you to enter

into a celestial contract tonight.

You don't know what you're getting into.

Yes, I do. I'm getting into a relationship

with the perfect woman for me.

You cannot trust the comets.

Fate puts someone in front of you,

and promises a perfect future,

so you shake fate's hand,

but it's a trick, son.

Your future isn't perfect

and your souls don't stay intertwined forever,

all because the comets lied.

Sorry, Dad, normally I'd coddle you about this,

but those comets are about to kiss so I need

to keep it snappy and be brutally honest.

I'm much, much smarter at age ten

than you were at 17.

Ouch, but go on.

You can't blame your relationship

with Mom on those comets.

You said she threw a wine cooler

at your head when you met.

Yeah, that's actually how we met.

Uh-huh, so you should have made sure

you were a billion miles away from Mom

the last time those comets kissed.

But you weren't. You decided to sail those seas.

That was your choice.

Huh. Yeah. You're right.

I guess I was aware of what I was getting into.

And your souls are still intertwined,

because you had four great kids, including one

with incredible judgment who's got about five seconds left

to talk to you before I intertwine my soul

with the smartest, coolest,

most un-Mom-like person in the world.

Did she just make that little shelter

and start that fire while we were talking?

You bet your ass she did, Dad.

Then what are you doing standing here, Moon?

The comets are about to cross.

And, hey, for what it's worth,

I think you're pretty smart now.

So if there's anyone you want to kiss tonight,

you have my blessing.

Quinn, I was hoping I'd have more time to say this.

But I like you, and I know

that special people and special comets don't come around often.

So I want to ask you to be my girlfriend forever,

and have a perfect life together until we die

surrounded by the hundreds of wolves

who adopted us as their leaders.

Well, to be honest, Moon,

I was... I was gonna ask you the same thing.

Only in my head, we're the leader of bears.

There's no reason we can't have both.

[smooching]

Incredible.

It's not a curse.

It's an opportunity.

[grunts, laughs]

It's an opportunity!

Fate don't fail me now.

I'm coming to kiss you--

[grunting]

[laughs] I'm okay.

I am okay!

Whoo! Here I--

[grunting]

I'm just gonna proceed at a light jog.

I'm no good to my future partner dead.

Walking quickly, walking quickly.

Where is she, where...?

Uh...

Alyson?

Oh. Wait, who are you?

I'm Mary Fadasserson.

-Tia's mom? -Oh. Uh...

nice to meet you.

Has anyone seen Alyson?

I think she left a few minutes ago.

Oh. Oh. Okay.

Hmm, what to do?

What to do?

Call.

-Aah! -Dirt, where have you been?.

-And why are you naked? -[Wolf] Just to be clear,

we are not body-shaming anyone, it's just a lot

of unexpected nudity

we were not expecting to see.

Buzz off. I know all about your plan

to dump me at Old Moose. And you can kick rocks,

because I love it here.

These geriatric maniacs know how to party.

What are you talking about?

We didn't leave you here, Dirtrude.

Oh, give it up. The broken car trick.?

I saw you sign the admissions paperwork.

Oh, you mean, for the vending machine?

What do you mean, "vending machine"?

Wolf's the only one who eats the butterscotch cobs,

so they made him put down a credit card to order more.

But I saw you both leave.

Yeah, to wait for the tow truck.

I didn't want to rush you in case you were

in the bathroom or something.

But it was taking longer, so we came to find you.

Dirt, we'd never abandon you here.

Also there is no way we could afford this place.

Do you know how much it costs to live here?

Like, look how much money you won tonight.

These people are rich.

We are regular.

Ah. Okay, all right, break it up.

Pants on and teeth in.

Hey, you aren't supposed to be here.

Please go home.

Gladly. But I'll see you all

on Tuesday night for erotic Uno.

I'll bring a hot dish.

And something to eat as well.

Ah, well, no use crying

over missed comets.

At least I know what I want now.

Ow. What the--?

-[Alyson shouts] -[Beef grunts, gasps]

Alyson, I thought you left.

No, I was just up in this tree taking pictures.

And now you're right here.

Look, I know this is sudden, but--

Beef, whatever you're about to say,

could it maybe wait till after

we tie our souls together?

You bet.

[smooching]

-Oh, one thing? -Yes?

You should know that I am married at the moment,

but it's not that serious.

Our souls are intertwined now.

We'll figure it out.

We've got time.

Well, those comets may be gone,

but there's still some pretty spectacular

stargazing left to do.

[slurps] Mmm.

I hate the taste of this.

Uh, Dad, may I ask

why you're being so cool tonight?

Oh, I'm just in the mood to celebrate, I guess.

But put those away if you see Gibbons.

You know, I also feel like celebrating.

-Absolutely not. -[Gibbons] ♪ Your eyes ♪

-Uh-oh! Oh, no! -♪ If ten million ♪

-He's coming to sing to us. -♪ Fireflies ♪

-Okay, nope, forget it, we're -♪ Lit up the world ♪

-getting out of here. -♪ As I fell asleep ♪

-Start the car, start the car! -[engine starts]

♪ 'Cause they fill the open air ♪

♪ And leave teardrops everywhere ♪

♪ You'd think-- ♪ Oh!

A backpack?

What in the--?

Geez-o-Louise, that's a lot of Gank.

Finders keepers, bitches!

♪ Gank's not real, because we made it up ♪

♪ You can't slurp, or drink, or eat it ♪

♪ You can't rub it on your butt ♪

♪ If Gank was real, we'd want you to say no ♪

♪ But we made it up, so your risk is low ♪

♪ A friend who gives you Gank is not a friend at all ♪

♪ If they offer a slurp, you got to stand real tall ♪

♪ Say "Back off, pal, I don't mess with that junk ♪

♪ My body's a temple, I'm a Gank-free hunk" ♪

♪ You can't vape or bake or wear or pour ♪

♪ Can't slurp or drink or eat or rub it ♪

♪ Just say no, heck no, no Gank! ♪

Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

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