Original subtitles

You looked at him. You looked at Ray and you said, you know,

"Yeah, I want him to be my man. I want him to be my boyfriend,

"but he's gotta change the way he does things."

What are you talking about?

One of the things that initiated a little, you know, misunderstanding that we had,

was that one day, just because I didn't want to have sex with him,

he's gonna come in my face, talking about,

"Well, you don't wanna do it. I'm gonna call somebody else to do it."

Oh, no.

Stop at 4000 and a spin.

That's not why it happened.

You'd been drinking, and you thought you were making love to me.

Yes.

- This differs from a normal massage? - Massage how?

It's more sexual.

I ought to know when I see a good ball.

Okay, maybe you're right.

No, don't petronize me. I don't need that.

- Jamie, I-- - No!

This television funny-man killed his own brother in cold blood.

My guests today revealing secret crushes on food service workers.

Mr. Davis, do you take cream and sugar in your eye?

- Get out. - What?

Lisa, I understand that there's something you wanna tell them?

Well, I'm really a man.

♪ If you wanna have fun, ♪ ♪ come home with me ♪

Jesus. Where's the cable guy already?

♪ TV is the thing this year, ♪ ♪ this year ♪

♪ TV is the thing this year ♪

♪ Radio was great, ♪ ♪ now it's out of date ♪

Rick Legatos, please.

Hey, Phil.

Hi.

- Hey, Rick, phone. - Hello?

- Hey. - Hey, how's the move go?

The cable guy is missing in action.

Apparently he's gonna be here sometime between 8am and my death.

You haven't called Robin, have you? Please tell me you didn't call her.

No, no. I'm giving her her space.

I can't believe she's doing this.

You never should have ask her to marry you. You're the mad smotherer.

All she had to do was say no. She didn't have to kick me out.

I feel like Felix Unger.

- Let's go! - Just give me one hot minute!

Listen, one sweet little piece of advice:

Slip the cable guy 50 bucks, he'll give you all the movie channels for free.

- Even the dirty ones. - No, I couldn't.

I'm not good at that stuff. What if he says no?

I'll feel like an idiot.

None of them say no. It never happens.

Gotta go. Talk to you later. Kick ass.

All right.

♪ Yes, radio was great, ♪ ♪ but now it's out of date ♪

Hi, this is Robin Harris. Steven doesn't live here anymore.

If you wanna reach him, cal 55-

- Cable guy. - Oh, great.

- Cable guy! - Don't leave!

- Wait! - Cable guy!

- I'm coming! - Cable guy!

I'm coming. Don't leave.

Cable guy!

Hey, wait. Come back.

Well, look who decided to show.

You were supposed to be here 4 hours ago.

Was I? So... I'm the tardy one?

Yeah. I was gonna go to that bed-and-bath place. Now it's closed.

Well, maybe I shouldn't have come at all, jerk off!

I'm just joking with you.

Let's do this.

Wow, the old McNair place.

Never thought they'd get the floors clean after what happened.

What happened?

They had a lot of cats.

Here's the comment card. Please mail it in when I am done.

This go to your boss?

No, it goes to me. I'm kind of a perfectioniss...

Perfectionis... t.

Well, let's take a look at what we're dealing with here.

This could be a cool pad.

Come on, baby.

Come on, baby. Talk to me.

Tell me where you like it. Come on.

Hello, mama.

Is this what you want, huh?

Is this where you need it?

Talk to me.

How about this?

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

That's your sweet spot, right there.

So...

your lady kicked you out.

What?

In preparing your service,

I noticed you were previously wired across town at 1268 and a half Chestnut.

Last week, the billing was transferred to one Robin Harris.

Smells like heartbreak to me.

Well, I really don't wanna discuss it with you.

Would you just install my cable, please? I'm gonna get dressed.

Suit yourself. No sweat off my sack.

By the way, you might wanna put on a bathing suit,

'cause you'll be channel surfing in no time.

So ends day 54 of the trial of former child star, Sam Sweet,

who has been accused of shooting his twin brother, Stan, in cold blood.

The twins were stars of the hit sitcom Double Trouble

which aired from 1977 'till 1984.

Who broke this?

- He did it! - He did it!

Life wasn't sweet after the cancelation of their program.

Hollywood chew them up and spit them out.

A frustrated Sam turned to petty larceny,

while his more impressionable brother

fell in with a fringe cult called "The Brotherhood of Friends."

And so today--

I hope they fry this bastard.

...also known as Twin Stress syndrom.

I'm here with Robert Simons, our frequent commentator on Court TV--

What happened?

Oh.

The arrangement of your major appliances and your furniture

was causing some noisy pics and hum bars in your reception

I moved a few things. Cleared it right up. Is that cool?

Yeah, I guess.

I just have some paperwork for you to fill out.

Kind of a drag, you know?

You're starting to get to know somebody and then the job is done. Boom bam.

Sign here.

I feel good about this.

Okay.

- Hey, wait. - Yeah?

One thing. I--I have this friend, and he gave his cable guy $50,

and then he got all the movie channels for free.

Did you ever hear of anything like that?

You mean illegal cable?

Yeah.

Who told you that? What's his name? I want it.

- Forget it. - You're offering me a bribe.

What you have just done is illegal.

And in this state if convivted, you could be fined up to $5000

or spend six month in a correctional facility.

Oh, please, no. That was dumb.

I was-- I was just making conversation. Forget it.

I'm just jerking your chain.

You are too easy.

Wake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salt.

I'll juice you up.

Call it one guy doing another guy a solid.

- That is so nice. - Well, you're a nice guy.

You'll be surprised how many customers treat me like snot.

Like I'm a goddamn plumber or something.

Here's my personal pager number. It's for preferred customers only.

Never call the company, they'll just put you on hold.

Well, thanks, really. You're gonna get some good marks here.

Hey maybe I'll take you up to the satellite sometime,

show you how this whole thing works. It's really incredible.

- Sure, we should do that one day. - How about tomorrow?

Tomorrow? Tomorrow's no good.

Why? What you gonna do? Sit around and stew about your ex?

No.

Oh.

Okay. I crossed the line. Sorry.

Oh, no, no, you didn't cross the line.

No? Cool. Pick you up at 6:30.

There are 24 classrooms. Each can be converted into a 1400 square foot home.

The facility has an olympic size swimming pool,

two tennis courts, a full gym and a stage,

if the residents decide they wanna perform "Oklahoma."

Oklahoma.

And most important, the structure is available in foreclosure.

If we put down a cash bid, we gonna steal this thing.

Yo, Steve-o.

Hey, tough room, but you got them. How you feeling?

Fine.

Did I hear something about you having a little domestic discord or something?

Yeah, Robin and I are having a difficult time and I moved out.

I think it's only temporary.

Can I be blump with you?

If I approve this project and you screw it up, it's not going to be my ass.

Now, I have all the confidence in the world in you, it's just that--

- You know where I'm coming from, right? - I'm on it.

I'm more patient. I'm more loving. They tell me this.

Nobody out here who's watching us doesn't believe

there's something in their life they could improve.

If they're doing well financially, which a lot of people are challenged by,

maybe their relationships is not going so well

'cause they're so busy working on their finances.

Call now, and you'll be rushed the complete "Personal Power Success System"

for a no-risk, 30 day, in-home free trial.

Steve! Steven!

Stevie, time to leavie!

Yo, Stevie!

Hey, body! Come on down!

What are you waiting for, a graved invitation?

It's the fun bus. Come on!

- How's it going? - Hey, buddy.

I've had a few drinks, so you might wanna buckle up.

That's my humor. Hey, thanks for coming out.

Most people think cable is just a simple coax it comes.

They never take the time to understand how it works.

Where exactly are we going?

For a little ride on the information super highway.

♪ I used to say, ♪ ♪ "Clones always try to tell me somethin'." ♪

♪ He used to say, ♪ ♪ "End of the world--" ♪

I come up here to think sometimes. Clear my head.

Brace yourself.

There she is.

Right now she's sending entertainment and information

to millions of satisfied citizens.

- That's pretty impressive. - See? I knew you'd appreciate this.

The future is now!

Soon every American home will integrate their television, phone, and computer.

You'll be able to visit the Louvre on one channel,

or watch female mud wrestling on another.

You could do your shoping at home,

or play Mortal Combat with a friend in Vietnam!

There's no end to the possibilities!

When I was a kid, my mom worked nights. I never met my father.

- But the old TV was always there for me. - I know what you mean.

My dad was there but he might as well have been away.

That's tough. You must have a lot of abandonment issues.

Reality isn't Father Knows Best anymore.

It's a kick in the face on a Saturday night with a steel-toe Rep-Kodiac workboot,

and a trip to the hospital bloodied and bashed

for reconstructive surgery.

But what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?

You know, my brother is a speech therapist.

So?

Never mind.

You're pretty love-struck about your lady, huh?

Yeah, I miss her.

I asked her to marry me, and she asked me to move out.

I hate that.

She says that I put too much pressure on her.

Women are a labyrinth, my friend.

Can I be frank?

I don't think you listen to her.

I think you try to tell her what she wants to hear.

She wants you to thirst for knowledge about who she is.

All the complicated splendor that is woman.

When your love is truly giving, it will come back to you tenfold.

You're right. That's incredibly insightful.

I know. It was Jerry Springer's final thought on Friday's show.

You know what?

Women are suckers for Sleepless in Seattle. It's on HBO this month.

That's your bait right there.

- Robin loves that movie. - They all do.

Next time you talk to her,

tell her you're cooking yourself dinner, watching it by yourself,

and sound like you just never been happier.

- She'll come running. - Well, maybe I'll give it a try.

You know, I'm embarrassed to say this, but I don't even know your name.

Do you really wanna know my name?

- You do? - Sure.

It's Ernie Douglas. But my friends call me Chip.

Goodbye.

This concludes our broadcast day. Click.

I don't listen to you. I pretend to understand, but...

I'm really just saying the things that I think that you wanna hear.

And I'm interested in learning about every detail

of the complicated splendor that is you.

Oh.

I can see why taking this time might be good for us, so I'm not mad.

Well, sometimes time apart is healthy.

You're right.

Well, that's what I came here to say.

I gotta get back to the office.

So... what are you doing tomorrow?

I'm just gonna cook myself some dinner, watch a movie.

- Sleepless in Seattle is on cable. - Really? I love that movie.

Well, if you're around, why don't you come by and check out the new apartment?

- Okay, maybe I will. - Whatever.

Hi, I'm Tabitha Soren with MTV News. Today in the Sam Sweet case,

the prosecution played the 911 call that Sam Sweet made

the night he murdered his brother.

Keep in mind, Mr. Sweet confessed one month later.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! My twin brother's been shot!

I think it was an Asian gang or something!

I saw someone. He looked Asian!

And he was speaking another language! I'm pretty sure it was...

it was Asian!

Oh, man.

He had the same injury last year, you know.

Hey! You guys play here too?

Weird. I was just out and about.

I thought I'd see if anybody wanted to play some round ball.

- Great. We need another man. - This is Chip Douglas, my cable guy.

We met about a week ago on a routine installation,

but I feel I've known him my whole life.

Really? That's sweet.

Okay, Chip Douglas, you're on my team. Let's play.

No way.

- I'm on Steven's team. - I'll switch teams. Let's just play.

Hold on, I've got to warm up. I don't wanna pull a hammy.

- Let's get it on. - You any good?

Feed me under the boards and you'll find out.

Check it.

Looks good.

Okay, let's see what you got, White Shadow.

I think Salami is open.

Foul!

- That was travel. That was a travel! - Whatever you say, Chip!

Oh, I see. We're playing prison rules, huh?

♪ That's why I say, ♪ ♪ "Hey man, nice shot" ♪

♪ A good shot, man ♪

♪ Hey man, have fun ♪

♪ Nice shot ♪

Feed me!

Steven, I'm open! Feed me the rock!

Chip, over here!

♪ I wish I would have met you ♪

♪ I wish I would have met you, oh ♪

♪ I wish I would have met you ♪

♪ I wish I would have met you ♪

♪ I'd say, "Nice shot" ♪

I love this game.

- I guess we're done. - Thanks for bringing your friend, Steven.

Hey, Rick! I never made a slam dunk before. Thanks for the boost.

What are you doing?

- I'm just talking trash. - You ruined the game.

I don't appreciate your tone, Steven.

Friends not supposed to speak to each other like that.

What are you talking about?

We're not friends. I don't even know you.

Well, let's change that. Let me buy you a Heineken.

I'm going home.

I guess we'll talk later.

I gotta go shower and do some stuff anyway.

You have 11 new messages.

All right.

Steven, it's Mom. Give me a call.

I'm still your mother, you know.

I'm getting on. Steven, call your mother.

Hey, Steven. Checking in. Give me a ring. I'm at 555-4329.

What's up, Steve? I'm at a pay phone. If you're there, pick up.

Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up.

Okay, I'll be home later.

Okay, I'm home. Give me a buzz when you get in.

I'll be here pretty much all night.

Hey, man. It's me again.

I was just taking a whiz. Thought you might have called. Okay, later.

We're having ourselves quite a little game of phone tag here.

I was just blow-drying my hair. Thought I heard the phone ring.

Is that ever happened to you?

Anyway, call me. We'll talk about it.

Steven, I think your machine is--

Oh, shit.

- Hi. - Hey, good to see you.

You too.

- So how's work? - Work's good.

- How's Hal? - How's Hal? Don't get me started.

The guy has no vision.

It's like working for Mr. Magoo. And those hair plugs.

I know.

He's just an utterly useless person. I think I hate him.

It's nice to see that you're doing so well.

It's nice just to see you.

Hey. It should be on now.

Damn it. Son of a bitch. The cable's out.

Oh, wait, I know what to do. The cable guy is a friend of mine.

I'm a preferred customer.

All I have to do is page him, and we should have this fixed in no time.

Hi. Is there a problem with your service?

Yeah, my cable is out.

Really? So you called me.

Funny, how you call when you need something.

- Is that how you treat people? - I've been really busy.

Can you get my cable going? Robin is here.

Hey!

- Please, this is important. - But calling me back isn't?

I'm sorry. Please, can you help me out?

Why should I help you?

I gave you free cable. What have you ever done for me?

Anything you want. Just name it, quickly.

- Tomorrow night we hang out. - Fine, anything you want.

God bless you. You're too good to me, you really are.

All set!

- What's with the cut cord? - That's for effect.

Until tomorrow, Steven.

She's pretty. Don't kiss her. Don't even touch her.

Resist the urge at all costs. It'll pay off in the end.

See what I'm saying?

Enjoy the flick.

- That was fast. - Yeah.

- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine. Don't I look fine?

'Cause this is not how it's done. I'd much rather just see somebody I like.

Get a feeling about them, and ask them if they wanna have a drink.

- Or a slice of pizza? - I wonder if it still works this way.

- It doesn't. They ask you. - I'm starting to notice that.

If you get a new wife, do you get to have sex with her?

- I certainly hope so. - Will she scratch up your back?

What?

In movies, women always scratching up the man's back

and scream and stuff when they're having sex.

- How do you know this? - Jed's got cable.

- Okay, baby, Mommy's got to go out now. - When will I get a brother?

You said I was gonna get a brother to play with.

Yeah, well, that's why Mommy is going to happy hour.

Now listen. You just sit there with Mr. Babysitter,

and he'll take real good care of you, okay?

Please don't sit so close to that thing. It's gonna rot your brain.

- Why didn't you take my call? - Where does it say

that I gotta stop what I'm doing and answer the phone every time it rings?

Do you know your nostrils flare out into little wings when you're mad?

Come on, Evelyn. I gotta go.

Sorry about yesterday, by the way. I was in kind of a weird mood.

How did everything go with you?

- Keep them closed. - Pretty well. We'll see.

Look, about the other night--

You're not peeking, are you? Come on now. I want this to be a surprise.

It really don't need to be a surprise.

- Where are we going? - Only the finest restaurant in town.

Open, sesame.

Medieval Times?

I knew you'd like this place. I come here twice a week.

Welcome to Medieval Times. I'll be your serving wench, Melinda.

Might I fatch you something from the bar keep?

Dost thust have thou a mug of ale for me and me mate?

He has been pitched in battle for a fortnight,

and has a king's thirst for the frosty brue a sal might have for thust.

- I'll be right back, My Lord. - My thanks to ye, fair wench.

Oh, thanks.

Look--look, I have to tell you... This is kind of difficult.

Hold that thought. Show's on.

Welcome to a magnificent journey into the past.

This is Medieval Times!

Are you prepared for a night of feasting and sport

the likes of which you will never forget?

I charge you to stand up and cheer for your section's knight.

Let the games begin! The blue knight rules!

The red knight sucks the big one! You're going down, red knight!

Going down, down, down! Red knight going down!

Down, down, down! Red knight going down!

Smite him!

Can I get a knife and fork?

There were no utensils in Medieval Times,

hence there are no utensils at 'Medieval Times.'

Would you like a refill on that Pepsi?

There were no utensils, but there was Pepsi?

Dude, I've got a lot of tables.

- Can I have your skin? - Sure.

Check this out.

Silence of the Lambs.

Hello, Clarice. It's good to see you again.

Oh, Lord.

Listen, I want you to know this has nothing to do with you as a person--

We have reached the climax of our competition, good people.

And now two noblemen from our audience will battle to the death

to resolve a grievance.

Will a Master Steven M. Kovacs and a Lord Chip Douglas,

make your way to the fighting pit!

- Let's go. - What's going on?

It appears we're gonna do battle, Steven.

Is this a normal part of the show?

No, but I give all the knights free cable.

They said it'd be cool if we just went at it for a while.

- Is it safe? - Sure! That's what the armor's for.

Come on.

So, what we supposed to do?

I mean, we have to be careful that we don't hurt each other, right?

I cannot listen to any of your instructions for you are my sworn enemy,

and are about to meet your demise.

Okay. Just take it easy, all right?

Nice move.

Necessity is the mother of invention.

Come back here, so that I may brain thee!

My leg! I have a cramp.

You all right?

I am now.

Oh, my God!

That's the spirit. Let's give 'em a show!

I'm blinded! My eyes!

I don't believe you. It's another trick.

So that's how it's gonna be, huh? All right, you wanna play rough?

Daddy can play rough!

This is like when Spock fought Kirk on Star Trek.

Best friends forced to do battle.

Chip, this isn't funny! Will you stop it?

The name is Spock.

If we don't battle to the death, they will kill us both.

This isn't Star Trek!

Goodbye, Jim.

Good fight! Good fight!

Eat! Keep eating!

Quickly! Muster atop your steed.

Buddy, get on the friggin' horse. I don't think he's kidding.

Don't do this!

Good luck to you!

- This is our destiny! - No, it's not!

- Yes, it is! - No, it isn't!

- Yes, it is! - No, it isn't!

- Is! - Isn't!

- Is! - Isn't!

You all right?

Well done, good sir. You are the victor.

But we will meet again.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Did you hear that? Thanks.

You got a real warrior's instinct.

I have to admit, a real feeling of power holding that jousting stick.

If Robin had seen you tonight, she'd be begging you to take her back.

I'm telling you, these knights get laid all the time.

We should go again next week.

- You have no messages. - Nobody loves ya.

Oh by the way, I-- I think I left something in the living room the other day.

Can you be a pal and check that out for me?

Just a little piece of equipment.

- What do you think? - What is all this?

It appears as if someone has taken the liberty

of updating your home entertainment system.

I got you the big-screen TV, deluxe karaoke machine,

and THX-quality sound that would make George Lucas cream in his pants.

You got into my house when I wasn't home?

How else was I supposed to get this stuff in here, by asmosys?

- How much did all of this cost? - Practically nothing.

I have a connection. Preferred customer.

I hook him up, he hooks me up.

Listen, I can't accept this. I wouldn't feel right.

Why not?

You give me something so much more valuable - friendship.

Yeah, and you giving me friendship, so we're even.

Really, don't take it personally, but you have to take all this stuff back.

Okay.

my friend with the pick-up works 'till Saturday.

- Can I leave it here 'till then? - Sure. No problem.

Hi, this is Robin Harris. Steven doesn't live here anymore.

If you wanna reach him, call 555-8322.

Hey, Robin, it's Steven. I'm still trying to reach you, so...

Well, I'm at the office. Call me. Bye.

- How's it going? - Good.

Good. Keep it up. It's your ass.

Right.

It's Robin on line 2.

Hey. I had the best time the other night.

So when am I gonna get you on my sofa again?

Well tonight's not looking too good. How about tomorrow?

Chip.

I knew I'd get you on the phone that way.

Listen, that equipment is gonna be history soon.

Let's break the cherry on that karaoke machine.

- What does that mean? - Tomorrow night karaoke jam.

Your place. No ifs, ands or buts.

Well, maybe a few buts. Big ones!

♪ American woman, ♪ ♪ stay away from me ♪

♪ American woman, ♪ ♪ mama, let me be ♪

♪ Don't come hanging around my door ♪ ♪ I don't wanna see your face no more ♪

You're going on a date? I thought we had fun the other night.

We did. We did but that doesn't mean that we're officially back together.

And you said yourself, time apart is good.

Yes, time apart from each other, but not with other people.

That's not time apart. That's time with someone else.

Steven, I love you, but I gotta go. Bye.

Bye.

This is just a sign that you need to live a little.

- She's having fun. You should too. - Maybe you're right.

You're damn right, I'm right.

Oh, I almost forgot, I got you a little something.

I thought you said we're even.

- You're breaking the rules. - So shoot me.

What is it?

Oh. Dr. Sweers.

My brother thought it might help you with your lisp.

- This is-- There's no words. - That's no big deal.

Yes, it is. Yes, it is. It is to me.

Now I'm on a mission.

This is gonna be the best damn karaoke jam ever.

We're really bopping!

- You have some nice friends. - They're just preferred customers.

Chick alert, 2 o'clock. What a licorice.

Don't look. Don't look. Don't look. Don't look.

You're just playing with me.

- She's all over you like a lamp-shade. - Shut up.

I'd strike while the iron is hot if I were you.

He who hesitates, masturbates.

Go.

- Hey. I'm Steven. - Heather.

- Can I get you a beer? - How about a tequila?

All right.

Hi, Rick.

That's gonna be a good one.

- Thanks for accepting my invitation. - Steven invited me.

Look at him. He's having a super time.

He's changing, Rick.

You're gonna have to learn to live with that.

I don't know what your story is, "Chip Douglas,"

but I'm gonna find out.

Well, don't dig too deep. You might get burned by the molten lava.

I'm out of here.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

The soothing sounds of Raul, ladies and gentlemen.

You had honey in your voice tonight, Raul.

- Do a song for us. - Oh, no, I couldn't.

No, I really couldn't.

All right, already!

I fought the law, and the law won.

You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane

in a little documentary called Gimme Shelter

about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamonte.

That night at the open chaper the Hell's Angels had their way.

Tonight, it's my turn.

One, two, three.

♪ When the truth is found ♪ ♪ to be lies ♪

♪ And all the joy within you dies ♪

♪ Don't you want somebody to love? ♪

♪ Don't you need somebody to love? ♪

♪ Wouldn't you love ♪ ♪ somebody to love? ♪

♪ You better find somebody to love ♪

- So what do you do? - I can barely hear you.

- Do you wanna talk in the other room? - All right.

♪ Tears are running ♪ ♪ Running down your breast ♪

♪ And your friends, baby ♪ ♪ They treat you like a guest ♪

♪ Don't you want somebody to love? ♪

♪ Don't you need somebody to love? ♪

♪ I'd really like somebody to love ♪

♪ But it's hard to find ♪ ♪ somebody to love ♪

♪ Your eyes, I say your eyes ♪ ♪ may look like his, yeah ♪

♪ But in your head, baby, ♪ ♪ I'm afraid you don't know where it is ♪

♪ Don't you want somebody to love? ♪

♪ Don't, don't, don't, ♪ ♪ don't you need somebody to love? ♪

♪ Wouldn't you love ♪ ♪ somebody to love? ♪

♪ You better find somebody to love ♪

♪ You better find somebody to love ♪

We just had a baby born at the left side of the party,

ladies and gentelman.

We need an ambulance over by the scaffolding!

Yeah!

♪ (Want somebody to love) ♪

♪ (Need somebody to love) ♪

♪ (Want somebody to love) ♪

It's the summer of love, baby. Let's leave these two alone.

Smile! That's gonna be a good one.

Good morning, marry sunshine, and how are we today?

I borrowed this sweatshirt. I hope you don't mind.

Bacon and eggs, coming up.

Where did Heather go?

Oh, I heard her leaving early this morning.

You cad.

What a night. It was just what I needed.

Well, I'll tell you something.

- You look like a new man. - I feel like a new man.

I was always so used to being rejected. You know, I really liked her.

Hey, it was my treat.

What do you mean, it was your treat?

You know, I bought this time, you buy next time.

- Don't let your eggs get cold. - Buy what?

What do you mean, buy what? The women.

What-- Do you mean Heather is a prostitute?

Of course she is.

You think a woman like that would hang out with us if we weren't paying?

Oh my God. This can't be happening.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

It's okay. She's totally clean. I checked her out about a week ago.

Make sure she was top quality.

And I'm healthy as a horse. Not a drip.

- Would you like some juice? - You're kidding me, right?

She's a friend yours. Your'e just messing with my mind, right?

I wish I had friends like that.

Get out of my house.

What are you so ashamed of?

I know she was a working girl, but she kinda liked you.

You might even have got a freebie, who knows?

Get out now. I don't ever wanna see you again.

Robin will never gonna forgive me.

Well, I'll tell you how to handle that. Don't tell her.

You want her back? I'll help you get her back.

- I don't want you-- - I can do that.

I just want you out of my apartment. And get this stuff out of here.

I think you need to ask yourself why are you doing this, Steven.

'Cause I think you're starting to sabotage yourself.

Out, now.

Everything was going so well. Why are you doing this, Steven?

I made you breakfast, and we were eating--

- Out! No! Out! - And scramby eggs and--

No, I'll fix this, Steven. I can fix it. I can make it cool again.

Out!

This is just a speed bump, Steven! I'll make it better!

- May I help you? - No. I'm meeting someone here.

I apologize about last night.

I came home from the gym and I just fell asleep.

Most appreciated.

So Gail tells me you're coming out of a relationship. What's that like?

That must be hard on you.

Not really. We're just sort of in a holding pattern right now.

Holding pattern?

It sounds like you need to come down and refuel.

You're sexy.

- What? - You heard me.

♪ Ain't I clean? Bad machine ♪ ♪ Super cool, super mean ♪

You've been working hard. Take a break.

♪ You know me, I'm your friend ♪ ♪ Your main boy, thick and thin ♪

♪ I'm your pusherman ♪

♪ I'm your pusherman ♪

Excuse me, excuse me. Pardon me, pardon me, pardon me.

Hey, what's the story with our chicken, man?

- The chicken? - Have the eggs had a chance to hatch yet?

Maybe you can go check on it for me, my friend,

if it's not too much trouble for you

All right, I'm sorry to put you out.

Did you see the attitude? Unbelievable.

Look at me. I'm like hysterical now.

What were-- What were we talking about?

Your job. What's that like? What's your job like?

It's a little crazy right now. We're just sort of--

Hold that thought for just a second. I need to use the head and I'll be right back.

I wanna find out about your job. I'm interested. I'm curious about it.

And what is this story with the chicken?

- Enjoy your meal. - Thank you.

- Good evening, sir. - Hey, Stretch.

- Pleasant night, isn't it? - Yeah, not too bad.

Off course, I guess the weather is always pleasant in here.

The winters are remarkably mild!

If you need anything, just let me know. Anything at all.

Don't butter. I think I got it under control.

Unbelievable.

It's no trouble really.

Man, what is your...?

People rarely take advantage of all my services.

Let me help you wash up!

Cleanliness is next to godliness.

You're on a big date.

You'll need to look your best.

That'll take care of the shine. Now, let's pluck those eyebrows!

She loves me, she loves me not. She loves me,

she loves me not.

A little José Eber.

And... a touch of Alfalfa,

and boo-bam, we're ready to dry you off!

Right into the buckle. That's gotta hurt, Gyn!

Suck it. Suck the air.

You know, from this angle, you look just like Dizzy Gillespie.

Salt peanuts, salt peanuts.

Don't worry about the tip. But I've got one for you.

Stay away from Robin. She's taken.

Here's a bizare story from downtown,

where a man was beaten in a restroom

by an assailant disguised as a bathroom attendant.

The victim has been unable to speak since this unmotivated attack.

A police sketch artist put together this drawing from witnesses' descriptions.

We'll be right back.

Tonight on UPN: The trial that's captured the nation.

Everybody is waiting for the verdict, but you don't have to wait for the movie.

- Man. Crybaby. - I love you.

- It's been such-- - Sam, Sam, Sammy, Sammy, no!

- Look who's crying now. - Sammy!

Eric Roberts is Sam and Stan Sweet

in "Brother, Sweet Brother: The killing of Stanton Sweet."

Parental discretion advised.

- Who is it? - It's the cable guy.

My cable's fine.

I have an upgrade order for one Robin Harris.

The Rainbow package, that's every pay channel available.

Well, I didn't order that.

Apparently you have a secret admirer.

- Was it a man named Steven? - I can't tell you that.

- Come on. - No, I promised Steven I wouldn't say.

Oh my goodnes, look what I've done.

You didn't hear it from me.

Hold on.

- Male witches are the worst kind. - He's not a witch.

That about does it. My work is done.

Okay.

That was hot up there.

- So, are you a friend of Steven's? - I'm proud to say that I am.

I recently installed his cable and we just hit it off.

We bonded big time.

- Are you guys going out a lot? - Not really.

That guy is devoted to you.

You know, I'm probably crossing a boundary telling you this,

but he thinks you're the cat's pajamas. He really does.

Oh.

Did he say that?

Only every five minutes. Frankly, I'm sick of hearing it.

I'm just joking.

- He is a good man. - Yeah.

He mentioned that you guys have... had some problems.

- Yeah. That's a little complicated. - It always is.

You know, I asked a woman to marry me once.

She said she wanted to think about it.

We agreed to take some time apart, re-assess our feelings.

You know... give each other space.

Well, she's no longer with us.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Sometimes you don't know what you've got till it's gone.

Promise me you'll never go bungee jumping in Mexico, okay?

They just don't have the regulations.

I promise.

Anyway...

I've said too much.

Thank you.

Cherish him, Robin. Every hair on his head.

Excuse me.

- Hello. - I love you.

- Robin? - Yes.

Oh, I--I love you too.

That was so sweet of you.

Oh. Well--

You didn't have to do that.

I... I wanted to.

Giving me free cable. Only you would do something like that.

Oh.

Well, you know what? I've been wanting to do something for you,

but I was trying to give you your space, so--

Well, maybe we shouldn't be making rules any more.

Okay.

So, call me later if you're around?

Well, sure, I'll call you as soon as I get home.

- Okay, Bye. - All right, Bye.

Steven.

Are you ready to rock?

Oh, the concert. Oh, Jesus.

- What? - That was Robyn.

I think that we're getting back together.

So you're blowing me off. I can't believe this.

You do this every time, man. I don't wanna put up with that anymore.

Don't be mad. Can't you get somebody else to go?

Yeah. Maybe I'll take my cable guy.

♪

So I'll call you later--

Pretty smooth work. I set them up, you knock 'em down.

- What? - Robin. I got her back for you.

I juiced her up.

How do you know we're back together?

Free cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac, Steven.

I don't want you messing around with my life.

I know. I felt bad about the other night. I wanted to make it up to you.

So what are you doing? You wanna catch a flick?

Look, I appreciate you helping me out with Robin.

But you have to understand,

I'm going to have to work extra hard to not screw this relationship up again.

You're a very nice guy, but I just don't have any room in my life for a new friend.

Okay?

So... what are you trying to say?

I don't wanna be your friend.

I appreciate your honesty. You're a real straight shooter.

- So you're all right? - Hey, I'm a big boy.

It's no big deal. Whatever.

- You're sure? - Uh-huh. I'm fine.

- Robin Harris. - Hey, it's Chip Douglas.

- Chip Douglas? - The cable guy.

Oh.

Hi. What's up?

I feel kinda weird calling you, it's just...

I'm worried about Steven.

What is it?

Something isn't right. He doesn't seem like himself lately.

Have you noticed anything or...?

No. Actually things are going really well.

Good. That makes me feel better.

Well, should I be worried?

Nope. I'm probably just being a nervous nellie.

Let's just keep our eyes open.

All right. Okay.

Okay.

- Bye. - Bye-bye.

All right, I just wanna put it out there. Stevie, you did it, man.

You took your cajones and mine and you put them on the table

and you slam-dunked it.

Way to go. Now they'll probably gonna give him my job.

Anyway, on to the next order of business.

- Steven. - We just go--

I need to talk to you.

So now that we have that bereau for back,

we just have to reorder and finding an architect.

- I need to talk to you. - It shall wait.

Anyway--

Is there a Steven Kovacs in here?

Yeah. I'm Steven Kovacs. What's the problem?

- You're under arrest, son. - What did he do?

Receiving stolen property.

What? I don't know anything about it.

Woaw, wait a second.

- Don't speak until spoken to. - You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say may be used against you in a court of law.

You have the right to an attorney. Do you understand?

But I didn't accept any stolen goods.

Deluxe karaoke machine. Big-screen TV.

Cream in his-- Cream in his-- Cream in his pants.

- I can't believe you did this. - I didn't do anything.

He gave you a big-screen TV and a hi-fi system as a present?

You expect me to believe that?

You know, you're killing your mother with this.

I swear it's true.

Why would you accept such extravagant gifts?

I don't know. I shouldn't have.

What's really going on here, Steven? Are you on something?

- Are you taking the pot? - I'm fine! I didn't do anything!

Just call my cable guy.

Steven, the police looked into it.

Nobody named Chip Douglas works for the cable company.

This is a mistake. This can't be happening.

Yes, it is, and it's killing your mother.

When can you get me out of here?

Well, unfortunaly there's no time to get a bail hearing today.

You're gonna have to spend the weekend in county lock up.

New meat! Look at the pretty boy!

Shut up!

I wanna puss this booty, ese.

Let me introduce myself, homeboy. They call me the pumper.

And I'll be your friend.

Lock down!

You hear anything?

Hello, Steven. I came as soon as I could.

What's your real name?

It's Larry Tate, but that's not what's important right now.

We have to get you out of here. I was watching Court TV.

The prosecutor is pulling the case.

I'm gonna talk to the judge about arhibies corbis.

I'll put the system on trial!

Why are you doing this to me?

I didn't do this to you. You did this to you.

- You set me up. - No. I taught you a lesson.

I can be your best friend or your worst enemy.

You seem to prefer the latter.

I'm just here to comfort you.

- Come on, touch it. - Huh?

Come on. You need human contact. Touch it.

I will not touch it.

What are you doing? Stop it. Stop it!

I know how you're feeling right now!

Stop it! Stop it! Don't do that.

I'm here for you!

Oh!

Don't do that! Jesus Christ! You're gonna get me killed!

Out of here!

Oh, Billy.

I'm just messing with you.

Remember Midnight Express? Oliver Stone won the Academy Award for best screenplay.

Awesome, awesome scene.

Guard! This is the man who framed me. He's right here.

He set me up. Arrest him.

Hey, Bernie, how's that sports package?

All right.

Oh, by the way, don't worry about Robin.

I'll make sure she's well taken care off.

If you go near her, I'll kill you.

That's it. Come on, let's go!

This concludes our broadcast day.

Click.

You bet your ass you've been blowing me off.

This guy has really been doing a number on me.

I told you not to hang out with him.

You told me to offer money and get free cable.

Did I tell you to have a karaoke jam with him?

Got it.

Rick, I'm out on bail.

Okay, I'll see if I can get my friend in Research to track him down.

- What you say his name was? - He calls himself Larry Tate.

But he told me his name is Chip Douglas.

Chip Douglas. Chip Douglas. Why is that sound so familiar?

- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.

You're not fine. When you say you're fine, I know that you're not fine.

I just want to get this over with. I hate visiting my parents.

Is this guy cool?

I'm just joking. Come on in, you psycho.

- What is he doing here? - I invited him.

- You invited him? When? - At lunch the other day.

At lunch the other day? You had lunch with him?

- You look great. - And you are a vision.

Hello, Steven. You look rested.

Come here.

What's wrong, Steven? I'm sensing some weird energy from you.

Yeah, maybe because I just got out of jail, where you sent me.

I should just take you to the police right now.

You can if you like.

But I'd hate to have to show Robin this.

Bastard!

Come on, Steven. Let's just have a good time tonight.

So-- So--

So Steven is carrying his battle ax and he's chasing me,

waving it around like a mad man,

So I said to him, I says, "Hey, it's just a show!

"What are you trying to prove?"

He is always taking things too seriously.

Tell me something I don't know. The guy almost took my head off.

You guys have never played "Porno Password?"

It's the adult version of the popular television game show.

Robin, you're on my team. Steven, you're with Mom.

You're the judges.

Pick a word.

The password is vagina.

I really don't wanna play this game.

Come on, Steven.

Woman.

Woman.

- Man? - No.

Penis.

Penis.

Penis.

- Vagina? - Yes! Yes!

She got vagina! She got vagina!

I would have said "schlong."

Now we're starting to get this!

The password is...

nipple.

Can I pass?

Come on, Steven. Don't be a stick in the mud.

Breast.

Breast.

Tit?

Okay, remember his clue?

Hard.

- Erection? - No. But thanks for noticing.

Your turn.

Center.

Center.

- Center! - Nipple?

That's it!

- She got it. - Mom.

The password is...

I'm not quite sure how to say this.

it's either clitoris, or clit-oris.

You know, that little thing--

No! I can't say that to my mother.

Hey, she's a grown woman. She can handle it.

No, I won't do it. I'm not gonna do it.

I don't wanna play anymore! I've had enough! That's it!

It's just skin, Steven.

No! I've had enough! I don't wanna do it anymore!

I'm not playing Porno Password with him!

Steven, I really think you're overreacting.

I'm not overreacting. You're all being fooled by him.

He's not like this! He's a lunatic and He's a felon!

Woaw! Everybody just relax.

We knew this was gonna happen.

Nothing is happening! Nothing is happening!

Steven, this is a safe place. You're with people who love you.

- Right, everyone? - Yes, we love you.

I hate you! Get out of my life!

He's projecting all of his anger unto me. Maybe I should go.

No, don't go.

Steven, you are being an asshole.

- What? - Do you see what's happening right now?

- You're hitting bottom. - You stay away from me.

Come on now.

This is where the healing begins. Come on.

Come on.

Robin showed me the birthmark on her left shoulder.

It's very sexy.

Steven!

The hell is wrong with you, man?

Thank you for the delightful evening, everyone.

I guess I'll be leaving now.

I forgive you. I only hope my neurologist will feel the same.

Did anybody notice I'm late?

What are you talking about? You've been here for an hour.

- How's Hal? - Don't get me started.

That man, he has no vision.

It's like working for Mr. Magoo.

If only somebody at corporate would wise up and dump Hal.

And those hair plugs.

- It's just so awful to look at. - I know.

- Hair plugs. Hair plugs. Hair plugs. - I know. I know.

Oh, shit.

He's so pathetic.

I think I hate him. Hate him. Hate him. Hate him. Hate him. Hate him. Hate him.

Now, if only somebody at corporate would wise up and dump Hal.

Everybody knows this.

I don't-- I don't hate you.

- Those hair plugs. - Get out!

- It's so awful to look at. - I know.

Hair plugs. Hair plugs.

Chip! Chip.

This isn't funny!

Where are you?

If you build it, he will come.

- Hello? - Bingo! My Three Sons.

Chip and Ernie Douglas.

I got a list here of every cable installer fired in the last four years.

Check out some of these names:

Murray Slaughter, George Jetson, Jean-Luc Picard.

There's even a guy who liked to be called The Big Ragoo.

- Carmine, from Laverne & Shirley. - That's so sad that you know that.

Anyway, the cable company in town fired a guy six months ago

named Darrin Stephens.

You may remember his boss, Larry Tate, from a little show called Bewitched.

So, he doesn't even work for the cable company.

Yahtzee!

They booted his ass for stalking customers.

This guy is deeply troubled. I I were you, I'd lock up tight.

New developments breaking in the Sam Sweet Trial,

the jury has notified the judge that they are close to a verdict,

and would like to continue deliberating into the evening hours.

We'll keep you updated as off as warren.

The day started real nice here at Centervill,

but now the moisture is increasing and the clouds are lowering and thickenning.

In fact, on Center Radio radar we see storms and thunderstorms--

Cable guy!

Cable guy!

Cable guy!

Cable kuda!

Hey! Christ!

Cable guy!

Okay, I'm going! I'm taking off!

See ya. Bye.

I just wanna hang out! No big deal!

- Hello? - What a shame.

We could have been blood brothers.

But you're too needy. It's a real turn-off. Ask Robin.

Rick told me that you were fired from the cable company.

You're not even a real cable guy.

Can you hold on a second? I have call waiting.

Knock it off. I know it's you.

Sorry about that. Where was I?

Don't do this. There's must be something we can do to work this out.

I wish there was.

I'm just so tired, Steven. So very tired.

Well, can--can we talk in person? Where are you?

I'd love to chat, but I'm getting together with a lady friend.

- You might know her. - Stay away from her!

Goodbye, Steven. Click.

Robin!

Robin!

She just left with a man from the cable company!

You know where they were going?

No, but I heard him say they were gonna go for a ride

on the information super highway.

The future is now!

Soon every American home will integrate their television, phone and computer!

You'll be able to visit the Louvre on one channel,

or watch female mud wrestling on another.

You could do your shopping at home,

or play Mortal Combat with a friend in Vietnam.

I wanna go home now. I'm worried about Steven.

Steven. Steven.

Steven, Steven, Steven.

- Help! - Robin!

Where are you?

Steven!

I'm coming!

- Help me! - Hang on!

Steven, look out!

Yeah, Steven! Look out!

"Dry land is not a myth, I've seen it!"

Kevin Costner, Waterworld.

Leave him alone!

I don't know what all the fuss was about. I saw that movie six times. It Rules!

Isn't it funny that we ended up in this position, seriously?

You're gonna have to do better than that, Steven.

Steven? Steven.

My lisp is gone!

You stupid son of a bitch.

Stop it! Steven!

I'm coming!

You know, the trouble with real life is, there's no danger music.

Nice jump, Spiderman!

Oh, God!

Steven called the fuzz!

Bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do?

Could you skooch over just a tad? Thanks.

Oh, here comes our hero.

Okay. Easy.

It didn't have to be this way, Steven.

Why are we up here? What are you planning to do?

I don't really have a plan, in fact.

I'm pretty much going moment to moment right now.

Weighning it really.

You got to admit, though, it's a pretty cool place for an ending.

- An ending to what? - It's like that movie GoldenEye.

No, it's not! It's not like anything!

This isn't a movie! This is reality! There's a difference.

This is the police! You're trespassing in a restricted area!

I just wanted to be your friend,

but I screwed it up.

You're in a high-voltage restricted area!

What's that?

Come again.

Oh, I see.

You want me to quiet down and just...

chill out in front of the TV for a while, is that it?

You were never there for me, were you, Mother?

You expected Mike and Carol Brady to raise me.

I'm the bastard son of Clair Huxtable!

I am a lost Cunningham!

I learned the facts of life...

from watching The Facts of Life!

Oh, God!

Oh!

That's it.

That's what I have to do!

- Yeah. - No, no, no. Don't do that!

Don't do that! No! Come down from there!

We'll all-- We'll all go out together, we'll have a Heineken!

Yeah!

I'm not thirsty anymore.

See ya.

No!

You're not going anywhere!

It's okay! I understand my purpose now!

Don't do this. You just need help. We all get lonely.

Yeah, but I get really lonely.

I mean, look at me! Come on!

You'll be fine. I'll be your pal. Just come on up.

No. It's too late for me.

But there are a lot of little cable boys and girls out there who still have a chance!

Don't you understand, Steven?

Somebody has to kill the babysitter.

This is the moment America has been waiting for.

We have just been informed that the jury is ready...

The jury has notified the judge that they've reached a verdict.

Back to the court. We are live. The jury is seated and the verdict...

Moments away...

The verdict itself replicate...

The moment of truth for Mr. Sweet.

Jacob Sweet has been found...

Oh!

Help. Help.

Preferred customer, my ass!

Squad 51, Squad 51, man down. Possible back injury.

DC, we're gonna need an IV with D-5-W and ringer size 10.

Check vital signs. Administer like drip.

Prepare to defibrillate! Clear!

Wait!

You two are gonna be be just fine.

Take care of him, Robin. He is good people.

You never told me your real name.

You still wanna know my name?

Yeah.

It's... Ricardo.

Ricky Ricardo.

I'm just messing with you.

Let's go home.

Hang in there, pal.

You're gonna make it, buddy.

Hey.

Am I really your buddy?

Yeah, sure you are.

Subtitles by Shay Avrahami

♪ Blame me ♪

♪ Save a prayer ♪ ♪ for those who haunt you ♪

♪ There now ♪

♪ I don't mind if you still love me ♪

♪ Don't come over, hear what I say ♪

♪ Don't come over, hear what I say ♪

♪ Don't come over, hear what I say ♪

♪ Just leave me alone ♪

♪ Save me ♪

♪ Taken far ♪ ♪ from those who flaunt you ♪

♪ Calm down ♪

♪ Drag your heart ♪ ♪ and you behind her ♪

♪ Don't come over, hear what I say ♪

♪ Don't come over, hear what I say ♪

♪ Don't come over, hear what I say ♪

♪ Just leave me alone ♪

♪ Don't come over, hear what I say ♪

♪ Don't come over, hear what I say ♪

♪ Don't come over, hear what I say ♪

♪ Just leave me alone ♪

♪ Leave me alone ♪

♪ Someone please save us ♪

♪ Save us from our ♪ ♪ wicked little selves ♪

♪ We're bent on courageous ♪

♪ We're drifting ♪ ♪ so it's hard for me to tell ♪

♪ Get outta my head ♪ ♪ or into my bed ♪

♪ Get outta my head ♪ ♪ or into my bed ♪

♪ I had a dream about you ♪ ♪ last night ♪