Original subtitles

Not coming out.

Not coming out.

What do you want?

Where's the messenger service?

They don't live here.

Oh, that little skinny fool.

Man.

I don't want Western messenger service. I am Western messenger service.

Well, buzz off in 16 words or less.

Telegram for you.

Sign here, please.

Hold this.

Ow!

Well, pick it up.

It's stuck to the floor.

Great. It must be done.

Yeah, that is a bad burn.

How about my chip?

Don't play with fire.

Who was at the door?

Winston, messenger service. He brought this.

To Fred Sanford and Lamont Sanford, joint partners in the Sanford Arms.

Who's calling our room and house a joint? Hey, relax, Pop. That just means

we're equal partners.

Oh, we're not equal partners.

We're not equal partners. Separate, but not equal.

Well, we each own 50 % legally.

Well, we may each own 50 % legally, but I'm the boss.

Paternally, continuously, and finally.

And you take orders from me.

Perpetually.

Quietly and dumbly.

Let me have a look at that, Tom.

As joint partners in the Sanford Arms, you have the right to exercise your

option to buy the property outright.

This will require a $4 ,000 down payment by noon Friday.

Should you decide not to purchase the Sanford Arms property, please let us

immediately, as we have another buyer.

$4 ,000 by Friday or we lose the Sanford Arms.

I think it's farewell dogs.

Pop, how much money we got?

Wait till I check this balance sheet.

Well, let me see here, son.

That's the balance sheet?

Yeah. You see, son, this book contains our assets and our liabilities.

These are assets.

These are liabilities.

Which includes how much we owe and how much we don't have and your birth

certificate.

Well, do we have $4 ,000?

Are you crazy?

I think we should wait until it's dark and head for Elsie.

Elsie who?

Elsie Gundor.

What are you doing? I'm going to call the bank and tell them that there's no

we can afford to buy the property that Sanford Arms is on and they can sell it

to somebody else. Wait a second. Put that phone down.

What? Sell Sanford Arms to someone else.

That's right. Are you kidding?

Sanford Arms has our name on it.

With George Washington.

Let his bridge be called the Lincoln Bridge?

I doubt it.

Would Abraham Lincoln let his tunnel be called the Washington Tunnel?

Would the Kentucky Colonel sell out to the Captain and to Neil?

I don't think so.

Son, we're keeping Sanford on.

How, Pop? Would you please tell me how? How are we going to come up with $4 ,000

by Friday noon?

Well, we're going to be patient and invest our money wildly and freely.

We got $500 in the bank, son, and I'm going to bet every nickel on it till I

me $4 ,000.

Bet on what, Pop?

Move out of the way. I'll make a phone call.

Who are you calling?

I'm calling Opportunity on the phone. See, because in some cases, Opportunity

knock. In other cases, you have to call Opportunity up and invite them over to

your house.

Sanford here.

Yeah. Hey, you always wanted to play me some cards for high stakes.

Well, come on over tonight and bring your hooking ladder.

Bye.

Pop, you're going to risk our money on a card game with bottom of the deck, Dan?

Son, that's absolutely right. Run down to the bank, get me my $500, and pick up

some fresh cards on the way. Listen, I don't want to hear about this. Fine,

get a roll of cotton for your ears.

Hey,

son, you sure you don't want to be in the game?

Now, what sense would that make, Pop? We'd just be playing against each other.

But if we both win from the others, we can win twice as much. See, two players

can mean two winners. Or two losers. Look, here, you're on your own, Jack.

going to move you. Look, son, I want you to just take a moment.

and try to understand the situation from all angles. Now, all we can lose is

$500. That's everything we have.

Good, you understand.

Understand?

Understand? I've been trying to tell you that, Pop.

Look, son, look what we can gain.

We can gain the southern half of our empire, the San Juan Arms, and look

for expansion in the future.

We might lose everything, but we can gain a kingdom.

Is a kingdom bigger than an empire?

Well, let's see how the order goes.

It goes neighborhood, town, country,

continent, planet, universe. Will you stop

it?

All right, Fred, you'd open them.

Okay, Dan, one blue chip.

But you ain't said nothing. Carl, raise two.

Oh, my.

Make it three.

Oh.

Let's go, Bubba. Either you're in or you're out. Stop crying.

Crying? I got good cards here.

So bet them.

I don't want to be a loser.

Too late for that.

Yeah, Bubba, you're all slowing down the game, man. My hand's getting cold. Now,

come on, let's go. Three chips.

Okay, here you go.

We'll play for five.

I raise it. Two more.

Oh, boy.

I'm in.

Ain't said nothing.

Me too.

Here's mine.

I got really good cards here.

Put in two more chips.

Bubba, you heard him. Put in two more chips or four.

I hate to lose, Fred. I really hate it.

Bubba, why don't you do the next best thing, man? Four.

Are you kidding?

I'm losing $32.

How would you like to lose 16 teeth in your plate?

In or out?

Okay,

out.

Cards? Give me two.

And make them both the same, if you don't mind.

Ronald? No, man, I think I'm gonna lay with these. They look pretty good

together. Marvin?

I'll take three.

I was gonna take one.

Dealer takes one.

That would have been mine.

Can I see it just for fun?

If you want some fun, go to Disneyland.

Oh, no.

That would have been it.

Shut up, Bubba. The bet's five.

Carl. Carl.

What you got, Fred?

Full house. And meet the musical resident, Jackson Five.

You get it?

Jackson Five.

I see, Bubba, I see.

Well, good.

I mean, you know, we're friends, and you see I would have won.

How much should I take out this pot?

Bubba, if you don't take your hands out that money, you're going to take out two

nubs.

Deal, Fred.

Last hand.

What do you mean, last hand? I can't win all that money in one hand.

And you can't lose all that money.

Now we agreed to stop at one o 'clock.

See you.

All right.

Last hand. Double take.

Okay? Solid.

All right.

Five card draw.

Set him.

Hold it, hold it. Huh? What's wrong? I just remembered something.

Let me have the cards a minute.

What? Nothing.

And the up four, Fred.

Take the plaque.

How much did you lose? What did you see? How much did you lose?

Hey, you know, that was a great new movie, a monster movie at the Crenshaw.

It was about the daughter of Godzilla meets the son of King Kong.

It's wonderful, son. And they fall in love, and they get married, and go to

Niagara Falls and drink it.

How much did you lose?

The answer to the how much part is $100, and I won it. I didn't lose it. You

won? That's right. You're kidding.

I mean, you're joking.

No, you're pulling my leg, right?

Listen, if you want kidding and joking, you go to a nightclub.

If you want somebody to pull your leg, go to a massage parlor.

If you want honesty, go to the drawer and count. Excuse me.

Well, hey, I'm sorry, Pop. We got $500 here. It's not $4 ,000, but at least you

didn't lose anything.

Now, tomorrow, we'll take the Saturn to the bank. We may not be able to afford

the Sanford Arms, but at least we got a savings account.

That money's not going in the bank, son.

I'm on the lucky streak, and I want to keep it going. Tomorrow, I'm going to

racetrack and bet every nickel I have on the Daily Double.

Can I ask you a question?

What?

Are you crazy?

Ron Esther, what can I do for you? I hate to bother you when you're working

hard. Is your father home?

No, and that's why I'm working so hard.

Where is he?

He went to the racetrack.

The racetrack? Mm -hmm.

Tibetan Gamma? Both of those, Ron Esther.

That's even astute to every evil sin.

Holy moly.

How you hold your head up, honey, I'll never know.

Why don't you do right?

Hey,

Lamont, come on out here. I'm out here.

So you are.

And look at that.

One of the horses followed me home.

Watch your tongue, Fred Sanford.

Excuse me, Z -Biscuit.

You know, you're in a pretty good mood for a guy. I just came home from the

racetrack because I'm coming home a winner, son. You won again?

I told you, son, I'm on the winning streak.

I was going real good up until now.

Let me see. You bet $600 on a daily double and won?

That's got to be thousands.

Not quite. See, I was going to bet number one in the first race and number

in the second race, but I got there too late to bet the daily double.

So I just bet $600 on number five in the second race, and he won. To make a long

story short, if there's still time, instead of losing $600, I won $1 ,200,

giving me a grand total of $1 ,800.

Did you say you have $1 ,800?

That's what I said, furlong face.

Oh, Fred, this is truly a lucky day. It sure is.

For me and my church. It sure isn't.

Oh, Fred, please help us. My church is raising money for our youth program.

We want to buy a wing.

Well, let them have one of yours, Bat.

Watch it suffer.

Look, you know, we really need every penny of that money that we have on us,

sir. I mean, that $1 ,800 is only a small part of what we need to buy the

Sanford Arms outright.

And we still got to come up with $4 ,000 by Friday noon.

But you have... so much there.

Can't you donate a hundred?

Not even 50.

Not even 30?

Not even 10.

How about five?

You got it. Where do you want me to place it?

Look,

the bank is open late today.

Let's take that money down there and deposit it.

Son, we're not taking this money anywhere.

See, I'm on the longest and biggest winning streak of my life. There's no

to be saving.

It's time to be streaking. I wouldn't want to see that.

If you don't mind me asking, what are you going to do with that money? Well,

going to invest some, and then I'm going to gamble with the rest.

Invest it? What are you going to invest in?

A plane ticket.

Las Vegas, here I come.

Pardon me, Ms. Crafts.

Hey, thanks, Aunt Esther. That was a great meal. I've got to tell you that.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

It's not often I get a chance to take care of my nephew the way I should.

I love coming over here cooking and caring for you.

I promised your mother I would do that as much as possible.

So why don't you come over here more often, Aunt Esther?

Oh, Lamont is your father. You know that.

Oh, come on. You know, Pop's just a lot of hot air. He don't mean anything. The

welcome man is always out for you.

I know that, but I just hate when he holds it over my face.

You know, I feel a little guilty about keeping you over here this late, Aunt

Esther. Shouldn't Uncle Woody and Daniel be back from the movies by now? Oh, no,

Lamont. This is their father and son night.

See, after the movie, they go out and have a soda together and then just sit

have some interesting conversation until it's Woody's turn to talk.

Uh -oh.

That must be Pop.

I'm sorry you're still here, Arnester.

He's going to be unbearable.

Oh, that's all right, Lamont.

I'm used to that.

Yeah, I know, but you're not used to seeing Pop when he's lost $1 ,900 and

Sanford Arms.

Hey, son.

Oh, thank you so much, son. I've always wanted one.

One what?

A junkyard dog.

Heel, boy, heel.

Heel.

Babe, you're in salt spray time, but I'm just leaving. Wait a minute, Aunt

Esther. Pop apologized to Aunt Esther. What? You heard me. Apologized to Aunt

Esther. Now, while you were in Las Vegas throwing away our money, Aunt Esther

was here cooking delicious food, and she cleaned the entire house, including

your room, and she also found time to go out and do charity work for the church.

And not once, Pop, not once while you were waiting did she say one bad word

about you. Now, I want you to apologize to Aunt Esther.

How was the meal?

Delicious. Now, apologize.

Well, how good did she clean out?

Would you apologize?

How much money did she get for her church?

Only $100.

We're never going to get the rest of that money.

We're never...

This is my imported antique imitation upholstery.

You need $100? Here.

Here's $100.

Take it from a big winner and go.

Oh, thank you, Fred. Thank you.

Hey,

you know, that was a nice thing you just did, Pop.

It's not nice.

I won a fortune in Las Vegas. Where's the $100? Get out of here.

Get up, Esther.

Well, thank you and good night.

I live to be 183.

I'll never understand you.

Son, don't live to be 183.

Nobody wants a senile dummy.

How much did you win, pal?

Well, see, it was like this.

As soon as I walked in the door in Las Vegas, I took 25 cents and put it in the

slot machine.

Then I put a coin in the slot machine and hit $25 jackpot.

Well, all right.

Yeah, my winning streak was the winnings. Then I headed for the crap

And on my way, I passed the roulette table.

So I put the $25 I had down on the roulette table.

On the black.

Always bet on the black side.

Yeah, and it was black. I had $50.

So you had $1 ,850.

You said it. But just then, two steps before the crap table, there was the

blackjack table.

So I bet the $50 on the blackjack table.

Always bet on the blackjack. Oh, I will. I will.

Because, see, I got 19 and the house got 17.

I love it. So then you had $1 ,900.

Yeah, but that was only the appetizer. Uh -huh. I casually sauntered over to

dice table. Like that?

Just like that. Uh -huh. Just sauntered.

And the rest is crap history.

Well, let me hear about it.

Well, son, in two hours, I managed to build that $1 ,900 into $12 ,000.

You're kidding.

All true.

Oh, right. And in three hours, I managed to build that $12 ,000 into $200.

In one more hour, I managed to fly home, give Esther a hundred, and collapse in

his chair.

With only 35 sitting up in my pocket. And don't open up your mouth, because

that's where I'll deposit it.

You blew it off.

One would think so, yes.

So what?

What? So what? I can tell you honestly, Pop, it was honestly worth losing the

Sanford Arms and the money just to see what you did, Pop. You didn't just give

few dollars that you couldn't afford to Anesta. You gave it to charity.

And I'm proud of you.

Hey, we're not going to lose the Sanford Arms, Pop.

See, I'll take out a second mortgage on the junk half of our empire, and we'll

be in more debt than ever before, but we won't lose the Sanford Arms.

I mean, somehow we'll make it.

We'll make it pop, don't worry. And you know why?

Why? Because you're Fred G. Sanford, and the G stands for the greatest.

You know, for a dummy, you make a lot of sense.

I mean, a lot of sense.

I'm starved, son. Get something to eat out there.

No, I'll go back to it.

Delicious, son.

Mm -hmm.

Well, you know, we're really lucky that they opened up a menudo in the box in

this neighborhood.

Yeah.

Let me ask you a question. What is it? Well, the other day I was looking

some papers, and I found my birth certificate, you know? And I just would

to know why you and Mom never gave me a middle name.

Well, maybe we never thought of it. Oh, come on, Pop. Now, you are too

thoughtful about too many things not to remember something like that, especially

since you're so proud of yours.

You're right, son.

I definitely am thoughtful about that.

You do have a middle name.

What is it?

Lamont. Yeah?

Nothing. That's it. That's your middle name, Lamont.

My middle name is Lamont? That's right.

That's what you named me? Lamont Lamont? My middle name is the same as my first

name? No, only your middle name is Lamont.

Then what's my first name?

That's the one we never got around to.

Uh, son, uh, how about Menudo?

Pop, you had two bowls. There's nothing left.

No, I mean as a name.

Uh, Menudo Lamont Taffer.

You did the dog.