Original subtitles

Oh, that is good.

That is good.

That is good.

That is good.

That is good.

You did? Yes, I did.

Look here, Woody, you keep an eye on her, and I'll call the zoo and tell them

you captured a baboon that looks like a parrot.

Fred, now you're speaking about the woman I love.

I am?

Yes.

I love this woman with all my heart and all my mind and all my soul.

Good. Well, you'll be all right as long as you don't use your eyes.

Watch it, sucker.

You're getting on my nerve.

It would take Muhammad Ali, Rosie Greer, with an assist from King Kong to get me

on any part of you.

That did it. That's right.

I've got to do big.

Mouth -to -mouth resuscitation.

I'd rather wipe the fingerprints off.

Thank you, doctor. Thank you.

Here's the ice bag, doctor.

Good.

You'll be fine, Mr. Sanford.

How much do you get for coming over?

House calls are expensive.

$20.

That's fair and reasonable.

Who called you?

I did, Fred.

Then you pay him. Hey, Pop, what is... Pop, Uncle Woody called the doctor for

you, man.

Well, that's nice of him, but nobody told him to call. I would have made it

right. Besides, I don't believe in doctors making house calls.

I'm a Christian economist.

Here you go, Doctor. Thanks. No, Lamont, that's all right. Let Woodrow pay him.

After all, I'm the one that hit Fred.

You hit me?

Yeah, Fred, I had...

a plated Bible in my purse. I forgot.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

But what?

You don't... You mean you don't remember Arnester hitting you?

Oh, did she hit me?

She sure did, Fred.

Police! Police!

Stop it. Police!

Stop it. I want her arrested. I want her tried and convicted and sentenced to

the most severe...

Shouldn't my father remember being hit by Aunt Esther?

He will, Lamont.

Obviously, he's had a minor concussion, which will bring on temporary and

intermittent amnesia.

Huh? What's that, son?

Somebody put some amnesia in my mittens?

I'm sorry, Fred.

I really am.

For what?

For hitting you.

Fred, don't you remember I stopped drinking when we adopted Daniel?

Adopted who?

Daniel. Our son, Fred. Don't you remember?

I think so.

I seem to recall seeing a movie called Son of Wolf Face.

What do you mean you can't remember what this lady did for him?

I don't remember.

But I know she belted me with her Bible.

I always heard it. Bible Belt.

You did indeed.

And then she tried to save your life. What did she do?

We thought you was having a heart attack, Fred.

Why do you think that?

Because when I hit you over the head, you clutched your head and your heart.

You mean I double clutched?

Right, Fred.

Pop, the doctor checked your heart out, man, and everything's all right, so

don't worry.

It could have been worse, but it wasn't. Yeah, we thought you were going.

Almost was.

And so then Esther did everything she could to save your life.

What's that?

What? She gave you mouth -to -mouth resuscitation.

Oh, no!

Oh, no! Oh!

Oh, man, man! My mouth!

Right. Oh, son, don't fall off the floor!

Oh, quick, get rid of Flip!

I gotta sterilize my lips!

I wish you could have shamed yourself for saying that.

Take it easy, Mr. Sanford.

If you need some rest, don't aggravate yourself.

I don't need no rest. All I need is a livectomy.

Come on, Esther, let's go on home now and give Fred a chance to get some rest.

That'll be a good idea.

I'm sorry, Fred.

I really am.

I'm sorry for trying to save my life.

No, for hitting you.

You hit me? When did you hit me?

Police!

Police! Police!

Uncle Woody, thanks for coming. Bye.

Thanks for everything.

Oh, Fred.

Try to keep him quiet. I will, Doctor, and thanks a lot for coming over.

We almost lost him this time.

You mean that, Doctor?

Yes, I do.

Man in your condition should know it could happen any minute.

You're quite fragile and should be very careful.

Forgive me for being so blunt, but I don't believe in pulling punches.

I like that.

Go get your medicine and punch out for me.

Doctor, I wanted to ask you something.

Will Pop's amnesia pass?

Mm -hmm.

In a day or two, things will be back to normal.

Okay, so long, Doc.

But I guess I'm pretty lucky.

Yeah, I guess you are at that, Pop.

I might have had the big one.

Yep. And I wouldn't have been ready, son.

Well, you know, I don't think anyone is ever ready, Pop.

No, I don't mean ready for the one way to your mother. I mean, you know, not

ready because I haven't organized my affairs.

See, I don't have my state plan.

I haven't left instruction at the disposal of my empire.

Well, if I were you, Pop, I wouldn't worry about that.

Son, I must.

I don't have a will.

So what?

So what?

Do you know what would happen if this empire fell into the wrong hands?

Yeah, it'd be some fool walking around with his hands full of junk.

Junk.

Junk. Easy, Pop. Remember your ammunition.

You told this dynasty junk.

What happened to empire?

Empire, right, right, right. See, all this stuff may look like junk. I mean,

that may look like junk. That may look like junk. And maybe that over there

looks like junk.

But you put them all together, and what have you got? A junk pile.

Wrong. A junk pile.

I must see to it that it will live long after I'm gone, son.

Get me a pad and a pencil.

For what?

I'm about to write my first, last will and testament.

Get me the pencil and the pad. I don't know where one is.

Well, I do.

It's right over here.

I'll look over here.

in the center of the castle next to the throne with the 20th century chip in it.

I hereby leave bequest, bequeath, and deed eternally and without recourse on

return for perpetuity in the town of El Segundo.

It should be placed on the mayor's desk and the plaque nailed next to it saying,

Sanford Empire, circa 19...

Wax Museum.

Well, I see you're back to normal.

Yes, I am, son.

Now get on the phone. Why?

I want you to call all the people that we have on our special emergency guest

list and invite them over here at 7 o 'clock tonight on the spot.

For what?

For the reading of my will.

Your will?

That's right.

There it is right here.

I'm going to have it typed up today.

Sign it and read it tonight at 7 o 'clock.

Now, come on, get on the phone.

Hey, wait a minute, Pop. Let me explain something. Wait a second. One never

reads one's will.

Why not? I wrote it, and I don't have any secrets to keep from myself.

Pop, I mean, a person doesn't usually have his will read until after he's

on.

That's exactly right.

And he's not around to see the faces of everybody as they get their gifts.

Gifts? Yeah, and he's not around to hear anybody say...

Thanks, dead guy.

Thanks, dead guy, yeah. And he's not around to get any presents in return

the grateful living.

That's true.

Yeah, and mainly, when he gives away all those goodies, after they go, the

government sticks their hand in and rip off a few dollars for themselves,

whether they're in the will or not.

Yeah, right. That's called an estate tax.

Exactly. See, Uncle Sam's just waiting for all of us to go so that he can get

his fingers on our money.

You've seen that picture of him with his hand out. I want yours.

That's you.

No, it's not me.

Because I'm giving away all I got before I go.

Oh, I see. So instead of paying a state tax, you're going to pay a gift tax.

What's that?

That's a tax that you pay on every gift that's over $30 ,000.

Are you crazy?

Pop this. Get on the phone. Get over there and call all the loved ones. Jump

at night at 7 because I read the will.

Lamont, I must tell you, this doesn't appeal to me very much. There's

very unpleasant about hearing Fred read his own will.

I know, Donna, but just try to bear with him. He wants to do this, and the

doctor feels that the less aggravation Pop has, you know, the better off he is.

Oh, Lamont, Lamont, Lamont. What is it, Bubba, Bubba, Bubba?

I'm so sorry for you, Lamont.

We all were missing.

Uh, Bubba, was it quick?

Quick? Yeah, I didn't even see it happen.

Oh, I could have been a much better friend.

Hey, Bubba, you've been a good friend.

No, I could have been much nicer the times that he was so mean.

I could have been more pleasant the times that he was nasty.

I could have been more understanding the times that he was so rotten.

Oh, Lamont, I had so many chances.

Because he was always so mean and nasty and rotten.

Uh, Bubba. Oh, Fred, Fred, please forgive me.

No way.

Please, I didn't.

Easy, Bubba, easy.

Sit over here, Bubba. No, just take it easy.

Easy, Bubba.

What's he doing here?

I live here.

Still? Still.

But you said we were going to have the reading on the will.

He wants to do it himself, Bubba.

So he didn't die at all?

Not even for a few minutes.

I wonder why he did that.

All right, all right.

All right, all right.

Everyone,

please be seated.

As your name is...

being of sound mind and body except for a bad heart arthritis and a bump on the

head inflicted by S. Anderson hereafter referred to as ugly

creature if I leave all my worldly goods to the following people in the

following way rise Donna oh Fred please please honey please don't argue with me

on this day when I have a pain in my head

All right.

To the beautiful Donna, who has been a dear and trusted friend, an average

kisser. Fred!

Well, you don't hug hard enough.

Do you mind?

I'm sorry.

To Donna, I leave all the pictures I have of me.

Oh, Fred.

Yes, that includes my baby picture with my little rear end uncovered.

It bears a striking resemblance to Esther.

Wow.

It also includes my sixth grade graduation picture, which is my

I think the sixth grade was a wonderful period in my life. I was young,

innocent, had no problems whatsoever.

Those were the best three years of my life. Thank you, Fred.

Yeah. The only picture that's not included, Donna, is one of Elizabeth and

the wedding. I understand.

Yeah, that I leave to my only son, as far as I know.

Lamont.

Thanks, Pop.

Yeah. More about Lamont later.

That's it, Donna. You may thank me now.

Thank you, Fred.

See? Bad hooker.

All right, Daniel Anderson, please rise.

Hello. Hello, Uncle Fred. Hello, Daniel.

Now, Daniel, you've been adopted by Esther and Woody.

Now, I know that they love you, and I know that you love them.

That's true, Uncle Fred. And when you have love, you have everything.

That's right, Uncle Fred. So you don't need anything from me, except some good

advice. To my nephew, Daniel Anderson, I leave the following advice.

What's that?

When you need strength, son,

and manly support, the best one to turn to... is your father.

Well, you need love and understanding.

There's no one better to turn to than your wonderful mother.

That's lovely.

Turn to her. Just don't look at her.

You may thank me for that advice one day.

Thanks, Uncle Fred. Uh -huh.

Rollo, whatever your last name is, please stand up.

What do you mean you don't know my name, man?

Because I'm not good with numbers.

Pop, is Rollo in your will or isn't he, man? Because I don't think you should

embarrass him if he's not.

He's in the will.

He's in the will.

Let me tell you again, he's in the will.

To Rollo, I leave all the loose change I've left on tables and under cushions

since I moved into this house.

All right.

Thanks, Pop.

I'm not finished.

I also left Rollo all the pieces of silverware and knickknacks displayed on

bric -a -brac shelf.

That's cool, too. Uh -huh.

You will find them all collected together in one simple place.

Where is that?

Your house, criminal. Drop it under your bed.

Oh, man, that's cruel.

I'm taking a walk.

Why not?

You're taking everything else.

Bubba, stand up.

You're my trusted friend and loyal companion.

Oh, thanks, Red.

To this wonderful human being, I leave my checker set.

I don't know what to say.

Well, you don't have to say anything.

It's for Grady. Drop it by his house.

Well, what about me, Fred?

I'm getting to that.

To Bubba, my devoted sidekick, a man who's been like a brother to me.

Oh, Fred, I didn't know you considered me your brother.

That's right, Bubba.

To you, I leave a deck of playing cards with which I've won a small fortune over

the years.

That's all right.

You can find the deck.

In the secret drawer, along with my coded key to the little markings.

You mean you've been cheating me all these years?

Yes. And you call me brother?

Yes, yes. Long lost, brother.

Mostly lost.

Sit down.

Now, Woodrow Anderson, please rise if you can.

Now, you know there's really no reason for those kind of remarks, Fred. You

I've quit drinking. You know that.

I don't know that.

Pop, I think you should lie down and rest now. It's been a very long day for

you. I'm reading my will, son. I'm fine.

But you're starting to have those memory lapses again.

I said I'm fine, didn't I? Now, be quiet or I'll disinherit you. Now, all right

now, Bubba.

Bubba? No, Woody.

Woody. Oh, yeah, Woody.

To my dear friend, Woody, I leave all of my handkerchiefs.

Hey, thanks, Fred.

Yeah, see, they're all oversized and make great blindfolds.

Perfect when you come home at night and pin the tail on Esther.

Hey, it's me, Pop.

Pop, who are you?

Who are any of you?

Who are all of you? I don't know none of you. Who am I?

Quick, what did he call you? Where am I? Oh, Fred.

Fred, what did I do to you?

Fred. Fred, who?

You, you, Fred.

He may have lost his memory, but he sure didn't lose his eyesight.

Hey, are you sure he wouldn't be better off in a hospital, doctor?

No hospital.

I'm not sick. I'm just having trouble remembering I'm healthy.

Doctor, I'm a nurse. I can stay here with him if you like. I think that would

fine. Where is everybody?

I was reading my will, and Woody was correcting me for thinking he's still

drinking. And what was Woody wearing?

A gray suit, a green striped tie, and a tan shirt.

Is that right?

Hey, that's exactly what he had on.

I think we're all better now.

What was wrong with you, Doc?

And I will call back tomorrow to make sure.

Do you want to pay me now, or shall I bill you?

I'll pay you.

We paid you once today, didn't we?

This is my second house call, Mr. Sanford. Your swelling has gone down,

you've got your memory back.

Twenty dollars, please.

Memory?

What memory?

Dollars.

What's dollars?

Pop. Pop. What's pop?

Don't pay him, son.

Don't pay him. I can't remember anything.

You can remember how to cheat him.

Here you go, doctor.

Okay. I'll show you out. Thanks a lot.

Thank you very much. All right.

Thank you for coming.

You're welcome.

Oh, Esther!

Oh, my goodness!

Honey! What's the matter, Aunt Esther? I just feel so bad about what I did to

your poor father, Lamont. But, Aunt Esther, he's all right.

Respect me.

Stop it, Fred.

Now tell her you're all right.

She's been standing outside all this time crying over you. Now tell her

all right.

Well, nothing. Now just go ahead and tell her, Pop. All right, Esther. I'm

better. Really? Really.

Oh, Fred, I'm so relieved.

I would never forgive myself for hitting you. You hit me?

Please! Please! Stop it, Fred.

Fred, why must you be so cruel to me all the time?

I'm not cruel to you all the time.

Didn't I send you a bale of hay during Be Kind to Animal Week?

Hey, Pop, that's enough, huh?

And I did include you in my will.

I had enough of your lies.

Lies. Lies.

Where's my will?

All right, take it in.

Give me my will. All right, just a second. Here.

Here it is. Now, listen to this.

Here we go.

Let's see.

To my sister -in -law, Miss Esther Anderson.

who I have insulted in jest, embarrassed in anger, attacked in self -defense, I

feel she is entitled to a fair and equal treatment.

With all the love and understanding in my heart and soul, I leave her alone.

Sit down, son.

No, I'm not going to eat. See, I got a date.

No, this is only going to take a second.

All right. What is it? Well, I don't want you to think I forgot you.

Hey, I know you didn't forget me, Pop.

But I mean, I want you to know that aside from all those little things that

gave everybody, I want you to have all the rest.

See, I leave you the entire empire and the full respect of the emperor and all

the emperor's love.

That's in your will?

That's in my... All right.