Original subtitles

Oh, Alice.

Oh, Alice, darling.

I waited so long to meet you.

I never dreamed you would be so beautiful.

Such beautiful eyes.

Long flowing hair.

May I cut in?

What are you doing?

I'm preparing for a very important date tonight.

With who? The cleaning lady?

Oh, dummy, I finally got me a date with crazy Alice Phillips.

Pop, you can't go out with a woman with a reputation like hers.

You're right. So we spend the evening here.

Just the two of us.

What about me?

I said the two of us. You would make the three of us.

Yeah, I could take the hit. I'll go to a movie or something.

There's a good one down at the Rialto.

You ought to go down and see it. I think it's about a revolt in an old age home.

Now, that sounds hip.

What's it called?

Kane Mutiny.

Okay, I was supposed to meet Rallo anyway, and I think I'm a little late.

Yeah. You gonna meet Rallo? Well, listen, son, put your money in your shoe

know where you're what.

You with a mop in your hand?

Well, it's about time you faced up to this mess.

Speaking of facing up to this mess, who messed up this face?

Fair traffic, why is it every time I come over here you call me ugly?

Because I'm not the type to lie.

That's it. I'm leaving.

Even if you do have the best singing voice in Watts.

Wait a minute. What was that you were saying?

I was saying goodbye.

No, no, no. I mean about my singing voice.

Now, what do I do every year about this time?

Shed your skin?

No. I round up talent for my church show.

And that's where you belong, in a roundup.

in your show.

Oh, Fred, please.

I was counting on you.

See, you'd add strength to the show.

I need all my strength for the night.

It's going to be a big show.

Are you going to be in the show? Yes, I am.

Then I'll buy a ticket.

Thank you, Fred.

I just love dog acts.

Watch it, son.

dressed like that? Well, I'm rehearsing my magic act for Esther's third show.

He's good, Fred.

Can you saw a woman in half?

Well, not yet.

Why'd you take Esther in practice?

Come on, Fred. Now, just give me a chance.

Do another trick for me.

Sure. Now, this one is my showstopper, friend.

This is the famous Chinese wrist locks.

All right, extend your arms.

There you go.

No, you're going to be a big hit.

Yeah. Speaking of big hits, that's what you're going to get if you don't.

Let's see. Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Now, I put the cloth over it, and then I sprinkle the dust.

Maybe I'm not using the right words, Fred. Do you know any?

The only words I can think of now are dumb magician and ugly and nauseous.

Well, that's all right, folks. Everything's under control.

I have the instructions right here.

Wait a minute now. Let's see.

Magic rings.

Disappearing marbles. Reading to some.

Well, it's worth a try, Esther.

That way, when your arms shrivel up, you'll look like the rest of your body.

Brady, you just got to do something.

You just got to do something, Brady. If I stay tied to this heathen another

minute, some of his evil ways might rub off. Oh, God!

No, no, no, hold on, hold on. Now, just calm down.

Now, calm down. Now, there's just got to be a way out of this. Well, there

better be.

All right. Now, let me see now.

Now, we've...

tried lard, and we've tried margarine, and we've tried butter.

Cup of sugar, we can enter the Pillsbury Bickle.

Oh, Fred, Fred, I'm sorry, but I mean, I just made a little mistake, but don't

worry. That's easy for you to say.

You're not a shackle to Bigfoot.

You can't figure out how to get them apart?

Well, Ma, I've tried everything.

I even tried cutting through there with a hacksaw. It wouldn't work.

I bet Rallo could get us apart.

Now, why would you say something like that, Pop? Because you spend more time

shackled than any of the rest of us.

Hey, come on, man. Don't shout on Rallo. Hey, man, no, it's cool. I know just

what to do. Good. You can do it. Yeah, I can handle it.

Hold out your wrist.

You have the right to remain silent.

Hey, look, you know, maybe it's a little drastic, but this is one sure way of

bringing you and Esther closer together.

Now, Lamar, you know the familiar, the breezed, contempt, yeah?

Yeah, well, that's the breeze. This is my disease.

Look, Pop, we'll figure out a way how to get you out of here. But in the

meantime, why don't you and Esther try to be nice to each other?

You know, maybe we should try to pull them apart.

Yeah, I think you might have something there, Ronald.

Listen, why don't you grab Pop under the arm, see?

Right. And, Grady, why don't you grab our nest under the arm, and we'll try

that. Come on, Pop.

Okay,

Pop, why don't you close your eyes and make a wish?

Okay, you ready?

I'm wishing, and when I open my eyes, the lady at the end of my arm is Lola

Villana.

My wish came true.

It's Lola Villana.

And somebody turned her in.

I just thought it'd be fun to rent a tuxedo and stand around.

Uh, well, maybe you could help me.

I doubt it. We deal in tricks, not in miracles.

Uh, well, then you're just the man I want to see, see?

Somebody played a very dirty trick on me.

Yeah, I can see. Mother Nature.

Have you ever seen sleight of hand?

Yeah. Well, now you're going to see sleight of fist. Wait a minute. Do it,

it, do it.

Look. Mister, somebody put us into these and we can't get out. Oh, of course.

It's Chinese wrist locks.

This is one of the simplest tricks ever invented.

Really? Yes, and you're in luck because I'm an expert on this.

You are?

That's right.

This trick is based on the two common principles of pull and shove and sleight

of hand.

It's very simple, but it is smashingly effective.

Beats me.

You mean to tell me that you can't get us out?

Bingo!

Well, as long as you're here, give me that Wolfman mask.

Oh.

Would you like a gift wrap?

No, she'll just put it on and pretty up.

Say something. Bye -bye.

Wait a minute, Esther.

This could be the break we've been waiting for.

Maybe he can translate the instructions for us.

Uh, excuse me.

Uh, excuse me, me and ugly.

Uh,

we lucky at wristy.

Meaty, you're happy.

You don't need me. You need a speech.

Well,

look, look, I'm sorry. Listen, can you read Chinese?

Yeah. Why?

Well, we're stuck in this trick and instructions in Chinese. And if you

read them for us, I'd be the happiest guy in the world.

Give him the paper, Fred.

Here. All right.

I'll see what it is.

See, in a minute we'd be free.

It wasn't so bad being chained to you, Esther. When I get free, I'll give me a

couple of technique shots and... If it's bad, then I'll be good as new.

Oh, that's right.

Sir, what does it say?

Uh... Wait, wait, wait.

No, no. Wait, wait, wait.

Read that in English.

Oh.

I, Howard Hughes, being of sound mind...

I'm so tired.

Why'd you walk home so fast? I could hardly keep up with you. Because it's a

fine to walk a dog without a leash.

Oh, come on, you two.

You're irritable because you're probably hungry.

Now, that's all been taken care of because I've prepared dinner.

Hey, Pop, before you know it, this whole thing will be all over with, man. All

it took was one phone call. Now, Grady called the company that makes the magic

kit, and they're sending over the instructions, special delivery, and

See that?

There's nothing to worry about.

Now, would you like a drink?

Yeah, I'll have a root beer and give Esther a witch's brew.

Dinner is served.

Everything sure smells good, Grady. What is it? Well, we'll start the evening

off with my famous Russian cocktail, vodka and prune juice.

Vodka and prune juice?

Yeah, yeah, I call that my trotsky.

And, uh... As an appetizer, we'll have boiled beef tongue

and bananas.

Uh, I'm almost afraid to ask what that's called, really.

Oh, no, go ahead.

What's it called?

A lickety split.

For the main course here, I've fixed your favorite.

We have here some fairies and corn on the cob.

Yeah, that's about right. Yeah.

All right.

Hey, this ain't gonna work.

Now, why don't you and I have to, you know, work together? Take an ear of corn

and start it opposite end.

I'm willing if you are, Fred. Well, I guess it's worth a try.

on the corn.

I'll do like a third here where your brain was.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Fred.

Seeing you two shackled together like that, you just look crazy.

Crazy.

Crazy.

Crazy. What time is it?

It's almost 8 o 'clock, Pop. What?

Well, I hate to eat and run.

Oh, where are you going?

What do you mean, what? You said for me to make plans.

Yeah, but I got a date with Crazy Alice. What am I going to do?

From the look of things, I'd say very little.

Good night.

Hey, what time is Stupid Alice going to get here?

You mean Crazy Alice.

If she going out with you, I mean Stupid Alice.

You know, now, Esther, we made a deal. Now, get on down there and keep quiet.

How long I got to stay like this?

Hopefully.

Cuddly men.

Well, come over here and get some good old cuddlies.

Oh, you don't have any inhibitions, do you?

No, but I got some chipping, dipping fruit.

Oh, uh, how come you only got on half a smoking jacket?

Well, because I'm trying to give it up.

How about some music? Do you like begin to begin?

I'll begin whenever you...

This is about you.

Then why did you pull away?

Well, it's this witch, this twitch.

Oh, you are cute, Freddy.

Let's dance.

Yeah, let's dance.

ever told you that you have beautiful eyes and gorgeous hair and a

terrific figure?

How about one across the lips?

or anything, but I got some great news.

Oh, that's wonderful, Grady. Well, tell us the whole story from the beginning.

Oh, okay.

Well, you see, when I was a kid, I was always fascinated with magic.

So for my 10th birthday, my father bought me a rope. Will you stop it and

out of these things?

You're cute, Grady.

I'd love to hear the rest of your story on the way home.

Oh, you would?

Mm -hmm. Oh. All right, let's go.

Grady, the instructions.

I don't need no instructions, Fred. I know what to do.

Well,

listen, now that we're alone, it's something I've been meaning to tell you

day. What is it, Fred?

I have to go to the bathroom.

no use, Pop.

This blade will never cut through those rings.

Well, I'll throw it away. When Brady comes back, I'm going to try it on him.

One wasn't keeping him so long.

Brady, read that piece of paper and get us out of this mess.

Oh, these aren't the instructions, Esther. This is Crazy Alice's address

telephone number and what time I'm supposed to meet her this evening.

She loves me, Fred.

Brady, do you have the instructions?

Oh, certainly.

Well, then would you please read them on a... You two have probably been stuck

together long enough.

Oh, yeah.

Okay. All right. I need two volunteers to come up here and... I'm going to send

five volunteers up your nose.

Okay. All right, Lamont. You take Fred's right arm there.

And I'll take Esther's left arm.

Is that what the instructions say? That's what the instructions say.

All right. And then we'll put this little cloth right over here like this.