Original subtitles

you doing, Pop? Why come in not dressed, man? We're going out tonight.

We are?

Yeah, I made a reservation in the restaurant over a month ago.

Really? Well, let me check my calendar.

Uh -huh.

1956.

Well, that's done.

1963.

Well, I am late.

I better get me a secretary.

Would you stop it? Now, what about dinner tonight, Pop?

Well, according to my calendar, I canceled.

Pop, you can't cancel a reservation unless you tell the person who made the

reservation in the first place.

I'm not going.

Pop, you have to go. I mean, it'll do you good to get out. Maybe another

See, there's something on TV that I really want to see tonight, son.

It's a very sad episode of The Six Million Dollar Man.

Oh, Pop.

What it is, son, you see, the $6 million man becomes outdated, so they donate

his vital organs to a used car lot in El Segundo.

Look, Pop, you can always see that on the rerun. Now, come on, man, let's go.

We'll have some fun. I think I'm going to pass. I don't want to get all dressed

up just to go out for dinner, and that's all.

I mean, if there's something else to do, like make it a big night.

Okay, I'll tell you what, we'll make a night of it.

After dinner, we'll go to a movie. Now, what do you say?

Well, I'm free depending on what movie we see.

You pick a movie, Pop.

The Incredible Shrinking Fungus.

Okay, you win.

I knew you'd say yes, son.

I mean, look here, let's get out of here. What are we waiting for?

You're cute, Pop. You're real cute. Oh, wait a minute.

I take my menudo back into the kitchen. No, no, no.

Just leave it where it is. It'll find its own way.

See, the last time I made a reservation over here, I don't eat anything. Now

we're going to... Thanks a lot, son, for taking me out to movies and to dinner.

That movie was great.

Incredible Shrinking Fungus.

I placed that right along with Gone with the Wind.

Yeah, it was a remarkable film. But I don't understand why you insisted on

sitting in the front row.

Well, see, that way, we got to see the shrinking fungus.

Even after it shrunk.

Yeah, we didn't want to miss that.

No, no.

Come on in.

Let's watch a little TV and have some coffee.

Well,

the first thing we have to do, the first thing we have to do is just calm

ourselves down and sit down.

where your chair used to be and you can sit on that.

Oh, son.

I'm going to call the police.

Yeah, tell them we were robbed by a gang of weirdos.

Why do you say they were weirdos? Who else would steal Esther's picture?

Pop, I don't think it was weirdos.

Yeah, you're right.

It was Rollo. He knows more about crime than Kojak.

Rollo is not a thief.

Buffalo chips.

think what you want. Rollo's coming over here. You can take that up with him.

Right now, I'm going to call the precinct.

Hello, 12th Precinct?

Can I speak to Officer Smith, please?

Hello, Smitty?

Hey, brother, this is Lamont Sanford, man. Somebody robbed our house.

Okay, thanks.

Thanks a lot, Smitty.

What did he do, congratulate you?

He said he'd be right over.

Hi,

Lamar. Fred.

Forget Smitty, son.

Call Swat.

Shut up, Heathen. Well, Fred, I see you finally got rid of all that old useless

furniture in this house.

Well, what are you still doing here?

Quick, son, get the rage so we can kill this fungus before it multiplies.

Will you stop that?

Somebody robbed us, Aunt Esther. They really cleaned us out.

Well, I guess that's what they mean by good riddance to bad rubbish.

I guess you're what they mean when they say, into each life some ugly must fall.

Watch it, sucker.

I'm here for no fight. I just came for a little donation for the church.

But it looks like I'm too late.

That's not true, Esther. Put me down for five.

Praise the Lord. Hallelujah.

Fred Sanford, five dollars.

Not five dollars. Five knuckles.

I might have to leave, sir. She feels terrible.

Yeah, but I feel terrific.

Hey,

what's going on?

Hey, man, I see y 'all got it fixed up real nice in here.

Put a mattress on the floor and look just like Governor Brown's mansion.

I have two questions for you. Yeah, Pops, what are they?

Where is my furniture and where do you want to be buried?

What's the matter with you, Pop? You have no right to go and accuse Rollo of

stealing our furniture.

You're right, son. I'm sorry.

That's okay.

I was just kidding, Rollo.

So I know you don't mind telling me where you were tonight between the hours

6 and 9.

6 and 9? Hey, man, I was at the movie. And I saw this movie called The

Incredible Shrinking Fungus.

Uh -huh.

We got him now. We got him now, son.

Now look here.

That movie was on...

from 7 .30 to 9.

Oh, I had to sit through it twice because there was some old sucker in the

row standing up talking about fungus this and fungus that.

Hey, what's going on?

Hot fuzz.

Bye, fuzz.

Hey, didn't y 'all used to have furniture in here?

Yeah, I told you on the phone, brother, that we was robbed.

Oh? What did they take?

All our furniture.

They must have been desperate.

That's cold, brother.

See, we came home from the movies, and this is the way we found the place.

Well, we caught some burglars tonight and recovered a lot of stolen property.

Now, why don't you come down to the station with me? Maybe you can identify

of them. That's a good idea. Hey, Pop, you stay here and take a list of them.

Make a list of everything that's missing, okay? But what should I do in

robbers come back?

For what?

you are, Janet. Thank you, Donna.

I hope Lamont was able to convince Fred that it was a real robbery.

Oh, don't worry about Lamont. He's a real smooth talker. Maybe with you he is

because you're a sexy female, but Fred's not.

Fred's not a sexy nut.

Well, how'd it go? Did your father fall for it? Hook, line, and sofa.

And he doesn't suspect that we're all in on it? No.

Is everything going according to plan?

Just fine. The sofa and the chairs are being reupholstered now.

I just hope that old heathen appreciates what we're doing for him.

He will, Esther.

I know Fred has his faults.

You can say that again.

But when a man celebrates his 40th year in business, well, that's something

special. It sure is.

think we should have told his friend Bubba? No way, honey.

If there's anybody that can't keep a secret, it's that loud -mouthed Bubba

Bixley.

Better known as Blabber Bixley.

You know, I can't wait to see Pop's face when he gets all his furniture back and

it's all been redone.

If we could just find some way to redo his personality.

You know what you're going to say to the insurance agent?

Don't worry, Bubba.

You're in good hands with Fred G. Sanders.

The G stands for Gibraltar.

And if he don't hurry up and settle my claim, I'm going to give him a piece of

the rock.

I knew that could be it. Who's that? I don't know.

I didn't know anybody.

Mr. Sanders.

Instant Insurance of Idaho.

You sure did get here fast.

We pride ourselves on settling claims quickly at the I .I. of I. Well, good.

Come on over here and fill up a piece of junk. Now, how much settling have you

settled on?

Well, according to what you told our agent on the phone, I'd say somewhere in

the neighborhood of $400.

I'd say that's the wrong neighborhood.

Look, don't take the offer, Fred.

Your stuff is worth more than $100.

That's right, Mr. Trill. My furniture was very valuable.

It was all earlier.

So is an outhouse.

Could you be more specific, Mr. Sandman?

All right. My couch, for instance.

A rare family heirloom.

Oh, you mean heirloom.

Oh, tell me what the couch was stuffed with.

Tell them about your home entertainment center, Fred. Oh, I hardly think an old

record player qualifies as a home entertainment center.

But it was a rare antique.

Louis XV used to play records on it for Marie Antoinette.

They didn't have record players in Louis. the 15th day.

That's what made it so rare.

Do you really expect me to believe that Marie Antoinette listened to records?

Love, Little Richard.

I see.

Well, on the basis of this new information, I'm prepared to make a

offer. Well, I knew you were wise, fair, thoughtful. $85?

Double -crossing dummy.

I advise you to ruminate on my offer.

Ruminate on this.

This is the final offer?

And this is my final refusal.

Yeah, and think it over, Trill. Would you rather pay a higher settlement or a

life insurance policy?

What do you mean, Mr. Bubba? Fred has a bad heart, right, Fred?

Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.

And $85 would really give him a big heart attack. Isn't that right, Fred?

You're right, Bubba. I feel it starting now.

See? Oh, here you go. See that?

Here you go.

You got a deal.

We did it, Fred. We did it. Yeah, we did, Bubba. Look here.

And look here. Don't say nothing to Lamont, Bubba, because I want to

him. Sort of a 40th anniversary of business presence.

Well, don't worry about me, Fred. I can keep a secret.

Good. And Bubba.

I can't wait to see Lamar's face when he sees what I'm going to do with the

insurance money.

And what are you going to do, Fred?

I'm going to buy a new house full of brand new furniture.

Ooh, will he be surprised?

I ain't taking nothing off. Go on in the house. I got a surprise for you.

Well, how do you like it?

Yeah, it sort of left me speechless, too.

Pop, what is this?

Where did it come from?

Crush Velvet City.

I bought it with insurance money from the stolen furniture.

Insurance money?

Pop, you shouldn't have done that, man. It was a real bargain. It only cost me

$400. replace everything that was robbed.

$400?

Pop, you made a big mistake.

You think it's too busy?

No, but we're going to be in trouble when the insurance company finds out

were robbed.

Who robbed the insurance company? You, me, and all of our friends. We're all

accessories, Pop, before, after, and during.

What are you talking about?

I thought you'd be proud of me swinging such a wonderful deal here.

Pop, come over here and sit down a minute. I want to explain something to

okay?

Oh, Mom.

and take my stuff.

Look, in honor of your 40th year in the junk business, I arranged for our

friends while we was at the movies to take away all our furniture.

That was your present?

You robbed your own father?

That's a key, Pop, to repaint, repair, and reupholster, you know.

You'd do all that for me? We all did that for you, Pop, because we love you.

I'm glad, son, because now I know you won't be mad at me for keeping this

furniture I bought. We can't keep this furniture, man. We got to load it on the

truck and take it back to the place that we bought it from. Are you crazy?

That old stuff was tacky.

See? Look around here.

Look at it.

What you see is me.

What I see are bars, Pop.

When the insurance company finds out that they paid off on a phony claim, we

go into jail.

Jail? That's right.

Jail? Well, what are you standing there for, dummy? Let's get this junk on the

truck. Lift that into the couch.

Now, come on.

How can you sit there like that?

This is the last straw.

It is?

of furniture loaded on the truck.

Well, I'd say we did it in pretty good time, didn't we?

What do you mean, we? I did all the work.

When you brought out the lamp, didn't I bring the bulb?

Thanks for the bulb.

And when you brought out the sofa, didn't I carry all the pillows?

Thank you for the pillows.

And when you brought out the bed and the dresser and the nightstand, didn't I

give you a hand?

No, you gave me a hernia.

You should be grateful. It's not every son that has a...

Help him like I do.

Pop, if you really want to help me, call the insurance company and have them

send a man over here so we can give him that $400 back.

Okay. All right?

Hey, uh, hang up the phone, Pop.

Huh? Hang up the phone.

How long's the insurance company? We're not giving it back.

Now you're talking.

See, we'll split that money 70 -30, and then we'll get a story to tell the

insurance company.

We're not going to make up a story. We're not returning the furniture, and

not going to give the money back.

Why not?

Because somebody stole the truck with the furniture on it.

While we were in here?

Yeah.

They must have pushed it down the street, and then they started it.

Lamont, remember?

You remember when I had that last big one?

Yeah.

This is a bigger one!

Do you really expect me to believe this incredible story?

It's the truth, Mr. Trill.

First, you report all your furniture stolen.

Yeah, well, my father thought it was. But you knew it wasn't.

Yeah, but I didn't know my father had called you until after I saw the new

furniture that he bought with the money from the old furniture, which is now the

new furniture.

You expect him to believe that?

All I know is this furniture was never stolen, and you owe me $400.

Which is a lot more than it's worth.

It's all my fault. You see, at my age, the mind plays tricks on you.

You know, sometimes I even see things that aren't there.

Like family heirlooms or home entertainment centers.

You see them too?

Look, Mr. Sanford, it's obvious that you have been dishonest. I, I of I, does

not like to be cheated.

And I, I of me, does not like to be cheated.

You forced me to accept a low sentiment while I was... still upset about the

robbery. Are you calling me a crook?

If the shoe fits, shove it up your nose.

Hey, I got good news. I caught the dude who ripped off your truck. Hey, nice

work, Smitty.

Where is he? He's right outside. Wait a minute.

Come on in.

Rollo?

No, it can't be. Sure.

Let me get to him. I'll upholster his face. Hey, wait. Hold on.

Pop, man, you got it all wrong, man.

Look here. I took the truck, but I didn't take it.

Took or take? What difference does it make? You're going to die anyway. Hold

friend. Let him finish.

I can explain it better outside.

I hope so, Rollo. For all our sakes, this better be good, man. Yeah, that's

right.

There

it

is, Pop.

In honor of your 40th year as... I had your truck all fixed up.

You did that for me? You sure did.

Hey, it looks great, doesn't it, Pop?

Yeah, and that's not my only gift. Remember that old tacky furnace that was

the back?

I sold it to my cousin.

$350, Jack.

$350? I'm settled.

Hey, you could have let me put my hands on it. Hey, look at it this way, Pop.

The insurance company has its money, and we got our furniture back better than

ever. Yeah, and a new truck, thanks to Rollo. I mean, they say you can't teach

your old dog new tricks.

But I sure changed my mind about you. You all right, Rollo?

Yeah, you all right, too, Pop. But don't make no big deal out of it. It was

nothing. Nothing? You think this truck must have cost you a fortune?

No, I'm just handy that way.

You're being modest, Mr. Rollo. Those hubcaps cost $100 a piece.

I have some exactly like that on my car.

Let me show you.

Hey, man, I took your word for it. I got to split. Oh, wait a minute.

Why don't we have a look?

Hey, man, look, some other time. I got to go. Hold it. That CB setup looks just

like mine.

Hey, hey, hey, look back here.

and I'll pop you upside your crooked head.

He's not a crook, Fred. I was with him when he bought the hubcaps and the CB.

You were?

Yeah.

You said you trusted him.

Yes, I did.

And that was today's Bicentennial Minute.

Come on, baby.

Sit down and relax.

Oh, I just can't believe this, Janet. I mean, I was going to take the truck in

to have it redone the old way to make Pop happy, and I went outside and it was

gone again.

Poor Dad.

I wonder how he's going to take the news that he's been ripped off a second

time. I don't know.

Hey, this sure smells good. What is it? I'm not sure. I found it in the icebox.

I think it's Menudo.

new set of wheels.