All language subtitles for Sanford & Son s06e13 Here Today, Gone Today

you doing, Pop? Why come in not dressed,
man? We're going out tonight.

We are?

Yeah, I made a reservation in the
restaurant over a month ago.

Really? Well, let me check my calendar.

Uh -huh.

1956.

Well, that's done.

1963.

Well, I am late.

I better get me a secretary.

Would you stop it? Now, what about
dinner tonight, Pop?

Well, according to my calendar, I
canceled.

Pop, you can't cancel a reservation
unless you tell the person who made the

reservation in the first place.

I'm not going.

Pop, you have to go. I mean, it'll do
you good to get out. Maybe another

See, there's something on TV that I
really want to see tonight, son.

It's a very sad episode of The Six
Million Dollar Man.

Oh, Pop.

What it is, son, you see, the $6 million
man becomes outdated, so they donate

his vital organs to a used car lot in El
Segundo.

Look, Pop, you can always see that on
the rerun. Now, come on, man, let's go.

We'll have some fun. I think I'm going
to pass. I don't want to get all dressed

up just to go out for dinner, and that's
all.

I mean, if there's something else to do,
like make it a big night.

Okay, I'll tell you what, we'll make a
night of it.

After dinner, we'll go to a movie. Now,
what do you say?

Well, I'm free depending on what movie
we see.

You pick a movie, Pop.

The Incredible Shrinking Fungus.

Okay, you win.

I knew you'd say yes, son.

I mean, look here, let's get out of
here. What are we waiting for?

You're cute, Pop. You're real cute. Oh,
wait a minute.

I take my menudo back into the kitchen.
No, no, no.

Just leave it where it is. It'll find
its own way.

See, the last time I made a reservation
over here, I don't eat anything. Now

we're going to... Thanks a lot, son, for
taking me out to movies and to dinner.

That movie was great.

Incredible Shrinking Fungus.

I placed that right along with Gone with
the Wind.

Yeah, it was a remarkable film. But I
don't understand why you insisted on

sitting in the front row.

Well, see, that way, we got to see the
shrinking fungus.

Even after it shrunk.

Yeah, we didn't want to miss that.

No, no.

Come on in.

Let's watch a little TV and have some
coffee.

Well,

the first thing we have to do, the first
thing we have to do is just calm

ourselves down and sit down.

where your chair used to be and you can
sit on that.

Oh, son.

I'm going to call the police.

Yeah, tell them we were robbed by a gang
of weirdos.

Why do you say they were weirdos? Who
else would steal Esther's picture?

Pop, I don't think it was weirdos.

Yeah, you're right.

It was Rollo. He knows more about crime
than Kojak.

Rollo is not a thief.

Buffalo chips.

think what you want. Rollo's coming over
here. You can take that up with him.

Right now, I'm going to call the
precinct.

Hello, 12th Precinct?

Can I speak to Officer Smith, please?

Hello, Smitty?

Hey, brother, this is Lamont Sanford,
man. Somebody robbed our house.

Okay, thanks.

Thanks a lot, Smitty.

What did he do, congratulate you?

He said he'd be right over.

Hi,

Lamar. Fred.

Forget Smitty, son.

Call Swat.

Shut up, Heathen. Well, Fred, I see you
finally got rid of all that old useless

furniture in this house.

Well, what are you still doing here?

Quick, son, get the rage so we can kill
this fungus before it multiplies.

Will you stop that?

Somebody robbed us, Aunt Esther. They
really cleaned us out.

Well, I guess that's what they mean by
good riddance to bad rubbish.

I guess you're what they mean when they
say, into each life some ugly must fall.

Watch it, sucker.

I'm here for no fight. I just came for a
little donation for the church.

But it looks like I'm too late.

That's not true, Esther. Put me down for
five.

Praise the Lord. Hallelujah.

Fred Sanford, five dollars.

Not five dollars. Five knuckles.

I might have to leave, sir. She feels
terrible.

Yeah, but I feel terrific.

Hey,

what's going on?

Hey, man, I see y 'all got it fixed up
real nice in here.

Put a mattress on the floor and look
just like Governor Brown's mansion.

I have two questions for you. Yeah,
Pops, what are they?

Where is my furniture and where do you
want to be buried?

What's the matter with you, Pop? You
have no right to go and accuse Rollo of

stealing our furniture.

You're right, son. I'm sorry.

That's okay.

I was just kidding, Rollo.

So I know you don't mind telling me
where you were tonight between the hours

6 and 9.

6 and 9? Hey, man, I was at the movie.
And I saw this movie called The

Incredible Shrinking Fungus.

Uh -huh.

We got him now. We got him now, son.

Now look here.

That movie was on...

from 7 .30 to 9.

Oh, I had to sit through it twice
because there was some old sucker in the

row standing up talking about fungus
this and fungus that.

Hey, what's going on?

Hot fuzz.

Bye, fuzz.

Hey, didn't y 'all used to have
furniture in here?

Yeah, I told you on the phone, brother,
that we was robbed.

Oh? What did they take?

All our furniture.

They must have been desperate.

That's cold, brother.

See, we came home from the movies, and
this is the way we found the place.

Well, we caught some burglars tonight
and recovered a lot of stolen property.

Now, why don't you come down to the
station with me? Maybe you can identify

of them. That's a good idea. Hey, Pop,
you stay here and take a list of them.

Make a list of everything that's
missing, okay? But what should I do in

robbers come back?

For what?

you are, Janet. Thank you, Donna.

I hope Lamont was able to convince Fred
that it was a real robbery.

Oh, don't worry about Lamont. He's a
real smooth talker. Maybe with you he is

because you're a sexy female, but Fred's
not.

Fred's not a sexy nut.

Well, how'd it go? Did your father fall
for it? Hook, line, and sofa.

And he doesn't suspect that we're all in
on it? No.

Is everything going according to plan?

Just fine. The sofa and the chairs are
being reupholstered now.

I just hope that old heathen appreciates
what we're doing for him.

He will, Esther.

I know Fred has his faults.

You can say that again.

But when a man celebrates his 40th year
in business, well, that's something

special. It sure is.

think we should have told his friend
Bubba? No way, honey.

If there's anybody that can't keep a
secret, it's that loud -mouthed Bubba

Bixley.

Better known as Blabber Bixley.

You know, I can't wait to see Pop's face
when he gets all his furniture back and

it's all been redone.

If we could just find some way to redo
his personality.

You know what you're going to say to the
insurance agent?

Don't worry, Bubba.

You're in good hands with Fred G.
Sanders.

The G stands for Gibraltar.

And if he don't hurry up and settle my
claim, I'm going to give him a piece of

the rock.

I knew that could be it. Who's that? I
don't know.

I didn't know anybody.

Mr. Sanders.

Instant Insurance of Idaho.

You sure did get here fast.

We pride ourselves on settling claims
quickly at the I .I. of I. Well, good.

Come on over here and fill up a piece of
junk. Now, how much settling have you

settled on?

Well, according to what you told our
agent on the phone, I'd say somewhere in

the neighborhood of $400.

I'd say that's the wrong neighborhood.

Look, don't take the offer, Fred.

Your stuff is worth more than $100.

That's right, Mr. Trill. My furniture
was very valuable.

It was all earlier.

So is an outhouse.

Could you be more specific, Mr. Sandman?

All right. My couch, for instance.

A rare family heirloom.

Oh, you mean heirloom.

Oh, tell me what the couch was stuffed
with.

Tell them about your home entertainment
center, Fred. Oh, I hardly think an old

record player qualifies as a home
entertainment center.

But it was a rare antique.

Louis XV used to play records on it for
Marie Antoinette.

They didn't have record players in
Louis. the 15th day.

That's what made it so rare.

Do you really expect me to believe that
Marie Antoinette listened to records?

Love, Little Richard.

I see.

Well, on the basis of this new
information, I'm prepared to make a

offer. Well, I knew you were wise, fair,
thoughtful. $85?

Double -crossing dummy.

I advise you to ruminate on my offer.

Ruminate on this.

This is the final offer?

And this is my final refusal.

Yeah, and think it over, Trill. Would
you rather pay a higher settlement or a

life insurance policy?

What do you mean, Mr. Bubba? Fred has a
bad heart, right, Fred?

Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.

And $85 would really give him a big
heart attack. Isn't that right, Fred?

You're right, Bubba. I feel it starting
now.

See? Oh, here you go. See that?

Here you go.

You got a deal.

We did it, Fred. We did it. Yeah, we
did, Bubba. Look here.

And look here. Don't say nothing to
Lamont, Bubba, because I want to

him. Sort of a 40th anniversary of
business presence.

Well, don't worry about me, Fred. I can
keep a secret.

Good. And Bubba.

I can't wait to see Lamar's face when he
sees what I'm going to do with the

insurance money.

And what are you going to do, Fred?

I'm going to buy a new house full of
brand new furniture.

Ooh, will he be surprised?

I ain't taking nothing off. Go on in the
house. I got a surprise for you.

Well, how do you like it?

Yeah, it sort of left me speechless,
too.

Pop, what is this?

Where did it come from?

Crush Velvet City.

I bought it with insurance money from
the stolen furniture.

Insurance money?

Pop, you shouldn't have done that, man.
It was a real bargain. It only cost me

$400. replace everything that was
robbed.

$400?

Pop, you made a big mistake.

You think it's too busy?

No, but we're going to be in trouble
when the insurance company finds out

were robbed.

Who robbed the insurance company? You,
me, and all of our friends. We're all

accessories, Pop, before, after, and
during.

What are you talking about?

I thought you'd be proud of me swinging
such a wonderful deal here.

Pop, come over here and sit down a
minute. I want to explain something to

okay?

Oh, Mom.

and take my stuff.

Look, in honor of your 40th year in the
junk business, I arranged for our

friends while we was at the movies to
take away all our furniture.

That was your present?

You robbed your own father?

That's a key, Pop, to repaint, repair,
and reupholster, you know.

You'd do all that for me? We all did
that for you, Pop, because we love you.

I'm glad, son, because now I know you
won't be mad at me for keeping this

furniture I bought. We can't keep this
furniture, man. We got to load it on the

truck and take it back to the place that
we bought it from. Are you crazy?

That old stuff was tacky.

See? Look around here.

Look at it.

What you see is me.

What I see are bars, Pop.

When the insurance company finds out
that they paid off on a phony claim, we

go into jail.

Jail? That's right.

Jail? Well, what are you standing there
for, dummy? Let's get this junk on the

truck. Lift that into the couch.

Now, come on.

How can you sit there like that?

This is the last straw.

It is?

of furniture loaded on the truck.

Well, I'd say we did it in pretty good
time, didn't we?

What do you mean, we? I did all the
work.

When you brought out the lamp, didn't I
bring the bulb?

Thanks for the bulb.

And when you brought out the sofa,
didn't I carry all the pillows?

Thank you for the pillows.

And when you brought out the bed and the
dresser and the nightstand, didn't I

give you a hand?

No, you gave me a hernia.

You should be grateful. It's not every
son that has a...

Help him like I do.

Pop, if you really want to help me, call
the insurance company and have them

send a man over here so we can give him
that $400 back.

Okay. All right?

Hey, uh, hang up the phone, Pop.

Huh? Hang up the phone.

How long's the insurance company? We're
not giving it back.

Now you're talking.

See, we'll split that money 70 -30, and
then we'll get a story to tell the

insurance company.

We're not going to make up a story.
We're not returning the furniture, and

not going to give the money back.

Why not?

Because somebody stole the truck with
the furniture on it.

While we were in here?

Yeah.

They must have pushed it down the
street, and then they started it.

Lamont, remember?

You remember when I had that last big
one?

Yeah.

This is a bigger one!

Do you really expect me to believe this
incredible story?

It's the truth, Mr. Trill.

First, you report all your furniture
stolen.

Yeah, well, my father thought it was.
But you knew it wasn't.

Yeah, but I didn't know my father had
called you until after I saw the new

furniture that he bought with the money
from the old furniture, which is now the

new furniture.

You expect him to believe that?

All I know is this furniture was never
stolen, and you owe me $400.

Which is a lot more than it's worth.

It's all my fault. You see, at my age,
the mind plays tricks on you.

You know, sometimes I even see things
that aren't there.

Like family heirlooms or home
entertainment centers.

You see them too?

Look, Mr. Sanford, it's obvious that you
have been dishonest. I, I of I, does

not like to be cheated.

And I, I of me, does not like to be
cheated.

You forced me to accept a low sentiment
while I was... still upset about the

robbery. Are you calling me a crook?

If the shoe fits, shove it up your nose.

Hey, I got good news. I caught the dude
who ripped off your truck. Hey, nice

work, Smitty.

Where is he? He's right outside. Wait a
minute.

Come on in.

Rollo?

No, it can't be. Sure.

Let me get to him. I'll upholster his
face. Hey, wait. Hold on.

Pop, man, you got it all wrong, man.

Look here. I took the truck, but I
didn't take it.

Took or take? What difference does it
make? You're going to die anyway. Hold

friend. Let him finish.

I can explain it better outside.

I hope so, Rollo. For all our sakes,
this better be good, man. Yeah, that's

right.

There

it

is, Pop.

In honor of your 40th year as... I had
your truck all fixed up.

You did that for me? You sure did.

Hey, it looks great, doesn't it, Pop?

Yeah, and that's not my only gift.
Remember that old tacky furnace that was

the back?

I sold it to my cousin.

$350, Jack.

$350? I'm settled.

Hey, you could have let me put my hands
on it. Hey, look at it this way, Pop.

The insurance company has its money, and
we got our furniture back better than

ever. Yeah, and a new truck, thanks to
Rollo. I mean, they say you can't teach

your old dog new tricks.

But I sure changed my mind about you.
You all right, Rollo?

Yeah, you all right, too, Pop. But don't
make no big deal out of it. It was

nothing. Nothing? You think this truck
must have cost you a fortune?

No, I'm just handy that way.

You're being modest, Mr. Rollo. Those
hubcaps cost $100 a piece.

I have some exactly like that on my car.

Let me show you.

Hey, man, I took your word for it. I got
to split. Oh, wait a minute.

Why don't we have a look?

Hey, man, look, some other time. I got
to go. Hold it. That CB setup looks just

like mine.

Hey, hey, hey, look back here.

and I'll pop you upside your crooked
head.

He's not a crook, Fred. I was with him
when he bought the hubcaps and the CB.

You were?

Yeah.

You said you trusted him.

Yes, I did.

And that was today's Bicentennial
Minute.

Come on, baby.

Sit down and relax.

Oh, I just can't believe this, Janet. I
mean, I was going to take the truck in

to have it redone the old way to make
Pop happy, and I went outside and it was

gone again.

Poor Dad.

I wonder how he's going to take the news
that he's been ripped off a second

time. I don't know.

Hey, this sure smells good. What is it?
I'm not sure. I found it in the icebox.

I think it's Menudo.

new set of wheels.