Original subtitles

I'm coming, Teapot. I'm coming.

Here I am.

What's that?

What'd you say?

Oh, so you've been calling the kettle black, huh?

Yes, buddy.

Sit down, Pop, because I have a surprise for you.

Don't tell me that John Esther had her face paved.

Nope. Give me a hint.

Oh, TV.

TV. They're going to rerun Godzilla Eats Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

and Gets Diabetes.

Now, Pop, guess who I met today?

In TV?

On one of your favorite shows.

My favorite show.

The Gong Show. You got it.

I met Chuck Barris.

Did you tell him you knew me? Of course I did, Pop. I told him you were one of

his biggest fans. That's great, son.

Where'd you meet him? Well, I met him over at NBC.

See, I was delivering that old refrigerator over there to one of those

shows, and I met him in the parking lot.

Television's a tough business, ain't it, son?

One minute you're on top, next minute you're parking cars.

Here you go, Pop.

A present from Chuck Barris to you.

Four tickets for the next gong show.

Oh, son, I'd love that show. You're the best son a father could have.

That's true. You're more than a son.

You're my friend.

I work hard at it, Pop.

Now, let me see. Who should I ask?

Well, besides me, you could ask on Esther.

Esther? This is the gong show, not the goon show.

Ain't nothing together.

Look here.

Here, you go.

You go over here, Donna.

Now, wait a minute.

You got to get up.

Y

'all

move back over here.

No, you come out of here.

Sit back there somewhere. See where it's marked off over there?

Go in there.

Bubba, you go on in there on the other side.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, here's your host and the star of our show, the

sensational Mr.

Chuck Berry!

All right, we have a good show, so let's get started now. Our first performer is

from Stone Bend, Indiana, Swedish bell ringer Sven...

That's the way the show goes, pal.

That's it for old, uh, the bell ringer. And now, our next contestant from

Englewood, New Jersey, ladies and gentlemen, a fine singer, Mr.

Barton Farley.

Thank you, thank you. Hello, Charles.

That's, uh, that's Chuck.

I didn't want to take the liberty.

You should take the trolley.

Okay, now.

Now, what are you going to sing for us, Barton? Yes, I'm going to sing a great

favorite of mine, a tune made popular in the 30s and one that has lingered on

through the years.

Lingoness!

Okay, well, good luck, Barton Farley.

What's the matter with you, son?

That guy is singing If I Didn't Care. That was like Marcia Diane singing When

the Saints Go Marching In.

It was an interesting interpretation.

Well, I felt it lacked authenticity.

If they needed someone to sing If I Didn't Care, they could ask me.

If I didn't care.

audition for it. Yeah, I think it would be fun, Pop, and you could sing if I

didn't care.

I'd never sing if I didn't care again.

Not after it was ruined by Captain Hunky.

Grant, there are a lot of songs you can sing. I know, Donna, but I get nervous

alone. I have to have someone to sing with me.

Oh, my, my.

Rodney would tell some jokes, you know, because remember how good he was when we

went and helped him in that nightclub that time.

Rodney? I didn't even think you liked Rodney. I don't.

Why? Why don't you like him, Fred? Is it just because he's white?

No, he... Well, because he used to be a gambler? Well, he still is, but that's

not it. Then why don't you like him, Fred? Now, hasn't he been a good husband

your sister?

Yeah, but she... But what?

He kisses wet.

Well, you see, Donna Rodney's a very affectionate man, and it drives Pop

Oh. But you could stand him long enough to do the gong show with him, huh?

That's right.

And long enough to win that $500. Wait a minute. Don't count your $500 so fast,

because I still haven't said I'd do it. You'll help me get those five bills, or

you'll have to take these five pills.

We'll be there. Thank you.

You know, you're impossible.

Can you tell me what's bad?

for singing one song.

Can you tell me what's good about making a fool out of yourself?

That's your trouble, Lamont. You look at the poor side, the losing side, the

unpleasant side.

How did that happen to you?

How did you go wrong?

Bad upbringing, I suppose.

It's good to know you. No, it's not.

Donnie, your warmth and your charm are exceeded only by your beauty.

And may I say your mouth and your tongue have just exceeded my nausea limit.

Back up while I throw up. Is that a such a humor?

You see, buddy, I love you.

Get off of me. The audition's tomorrow at two.

Is that wild?

There's a horse running today called Tonight at Eight. Hey, give me the

Hey, you're not calling no bookie in my house.

Get him upstairs and unpack.

All right, okay.

Hey, whose room am I going to share, yours or Lamont's? His.

I don't know how to tell you this, Rodney, but your room is where you flush

room in.

We were wondering where all the good musicians were coming from.

What you got in that bag there? Just a few personal things.

What jokes are you gonna tell?

You know me, I don't tell jokes. I say humorous remarks about current events

like Johnny Carson.

Don't worry about it. No matter how rotten you may be, I'll come in and help

you.

All right, all right.

Stanford and Sons.

Say, that's not son. That's Stanford and son.

This is my brother -in -law.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

So am I.

Are you the spokesman? Yeah, Mr. Barris. I certainly am. See, we all decided I

was the one that would handle all the talking and the negotiations and all the

arrangements. Now, what is it?

Nothing. You just do your act, okay?

favor, will you keep your eye on this for me?

Are you ready?

Whenever you are.

Well, we're ready whenever you say you're ready.

We're ready.

They're ready.

Go ahead, Rodney.

Thank you very much. Thank you, and I want to tell you that it's a pleasure to

be here today. As a matter of fact, it's a pleasure to be anywhere today,

especially when you read about the crime outside.

Speaking of crime, why, just today, the sun came up at 5 .30.

and was mugged at 5 .33.

That's why it's so muggy out.

See,

I'm gonna kill him with stuff like that, and then I'll say, hit it!

Grab your coat, get your hat, leave your worries on the doorstep.

Life can be so fine.

Hold tight. Hold tight. Hold tight. Hold tight. Hold tight.

Hold tight. Hold tight.

Hold tight.

That's good.

You haven't heard my son play the drums yet. It's all right. That's okay.

That's all right. Did we make it?

I'll tell you. We'll let you know.

We'll call you at home. Oh, you're welcome. Thanks. All right. Come on.

thank you.

Thanks a lot there.

Let's go, Lamar. Come on, Rodney.

You guys go on. I got a couple of things to take care of. I'll see you at home.

All right. I'll get the door.

You go take care of it.

Okay, Marjorie, here we go.

How do you do, young lady? I would like to apply for an audition.

And the name is Gordon.

Raymond C.

Gordon. What do you do?

It all.

I do it all.

Hi. How'd it go?

I don't know. They gonna call us and let us know if we made it. Well, good.

Where's Rodney?

Oh, probably where he's needed.

Nowhere.

Got it. Got it. Got it.

Hello?

This is Fred G. Sampson. Yes, Mr. Barris.

Fine, thank you. How are you?

Good. How did we do today? Do you like us?

Good. How are you?

Good.

What can I do for you?

We can?

We did?

We will?

We sure will. Thank you. Thank you. How are you?

and $16 .32.

Whee! Hello?

Hey, honey.

Guess who called?

Wait a second. Don't tell me.

I'll get it.

Chuck Beres. No.

Not no.

Yes! Hey, that's terrific, Fred.

With all the excitement, I'm starving. Aw.

Me too. I'm hungry. Come on. I'll fix you something to eat. Okay. You want me?

No, thanks, Donna. I want the neck bone.

Okay. Yes.

Hello? Hello, I'd like to talk to Chuck Barris, please.

Hello, Mr. Barris, this is Raymond C. Gordon.

I did?

Oh, that's wonderful.

Uh, Mr. Barris, by chance, am I on the same show with Sanford and Son and

Rodney?

I am?

Oh.

Hey, come on. Help me move this rug and couch.

For what? For what? For rehearsing, dummy.

We don't want to get gonged, do we?

All right.

Hey, Rodney, get in there.

I promise you I'll have your 500 for you at the end of the week. I promise.

Hey, Rodney, get in there and help us with this couch and rug.

Hey, that's just a job for two guys.

You and Lamont can handle that.

Shame on me. No.

If that's a job for two, then Lamont and I can do it.

Problem solved.

I'll talk to you later.

Hey, Fred!

Fred, I'm coming to help you with the couch and the rug.

Get that end of the couch there.

Okay. You ready, Lamont?

Here we go.

One, two, three.

What happened?

Oh, my back!

My foot!

Oh, my throat!

What happened?

I think he hurt his back, his foot, and his throat.

Well, Donna, how is he? Well, he seems fine, but he obviously isn't. I didn't

see a bruise on his foot, and yet he says it's very painful.

Now, the back condition is impossible to see.

And while his throat isn't red, he must have heard it because he can't speak.

Well, that's it for the gong show.

$516.

Right down the toilet.

Yeah, that's too bad, Fred.

Because I think Sanford's son and Rodney had a chance.

Had? Yeah, had.

Had? Had.

Bubba, do you know that song exactly like you?

Oh, Fred.

Oh, nothing.

Giddy up, Bubba.

Giddy up.

Charlie Edwards and his teapot. And now... Another group from Los Angeles.

Here they come, Sanford and Son and Rodney.

Someone exactly like you. Yeah. Why should we spend money on a show I

do? That's right.

No one does those up here. Yeah.

Exactly. You make me feel so bad.

Don't. I want to have the world.

Yeah. You think you understand.

Uh -huh. It's foolishness. Save my baby. Save my baby.

Now I know why mother taught me to be true. Yeah.

what our celebrities think about Sanford and Son and Rodney. And first, we'll

start out with celebrity one.

I'll give them a six.

Okay, we have a six.

Now, let's move right along.

That's a six. Now, we'll go to Milton. Milton, what do you think? Chuck, I gave

them an eight.

An eight.

I gave them a four.

Three for the fat one. Yeah. Three for the good -looking one.

And two for the one with the weird legs.

Right. Okay.

All right, now, celebrity number three, Al.

Well, I hated it all.

But...

It did make me forget my root canal.

Seven. Seven. That gives that act a 21 points. Now, that's it.

Okay, now, you are now the leader. And if you wait offstage, we'll find out if

you'll be the winners.

Now, the only one that can beat you is the next guest, and that is Raymond C.

Gordon.

Snap.

He's definitely there.

Doctor? Well, just keep him in bed for two weeks and that fact will be okay.

Two weeks?

Well, at least he can't talk.

Well, this is the strangest case of sore throat that I've ever seen. It's almost

as if he had been strangled.

Well, he's lucky he was alive.

If the panel hadn't thought we were all part of the same act, when I jumped on

him, I would have killed him.

I'll show you our Dr. Davis.

This way, please. This way, come on.

Thank you for coming, Doctor.

Well, $500 divided four ways.

Less three doctor bills doesn't come to much.

Why did he do it?

Well, he wanted to win the whole $500 so he could pay off his bookie, Donna. Oh,

my goodness.

That poor man laid up in his room for two weeks and not able to talk.

Don't worry. We'll be able to communicate.

How?

I told him anything he wants, just push twice and call me.