Original subtitles

No.

Hey, that's great, Pop.

That's Pops.

Okay, Pops. Why don't you put that down and do some work around here?

That's what I'm doing. I'm polishing up this bugle because when I'm done with

it, it'll be worth at least $50.

$50? Are you kidding? I don't care how much polish you put on that thing. It

ain't gonna be worth more than $10. The bugle may be only worth $10, but the

handkerchief used by Custard during the blowing of the retreat could be worth a

fortune.

Custer was a general.

He didn't blow a bugle. I know, but when the bugler blew the retreat, Custer

took out this very handkerchief. You mean to tell me, surrounded by Indians,

took out a handkerchief to blow his nose?

No, he was trying to surrender.

He said, back off, Indians, back off.

I'm just a junk man, not a plastic surgeon.

Please, Fred, I need your truck.

I agree, son.

You take the truck and run over Esther's face.

You are an evil heathen.

And one of these days, the Lord is going to strike you down if he ever decides

to get his hands dirty.

What's the matter, Aunt Esther? Our truck broke down.

Lamont, and today is the day we're supposed to pick up our son. Oh, that's

right. I forgot. The adoption agency accepted you and Uncle Woody. Hey,

congratulations.

Listen, Alastair, let me drive you over there in the truck because you got that

whiplash. It'll be kind of painful for you to drive.

Thank you, Lamont. Why don't you sit down here and make yourself comfortable?

No, no, don't sit down on my couch. I'll have to have it condemned.

Fred Sanford.

That's Fred G.

Sanford. And the G is for glad you're going. Goodbye.

stood for God forbid.

Say, shouldn't we be leaving now, Esther?

You're right, Lamont. Let's go.

Oh, say, listen, Esther, why don't you just run along with Lamont, and I'll

you back at the house later, okay? Yeah, I think he's right, Esther. There's

only room for three of us in the truck.

Is this it? I mean, y 'all get to keep the child forever?

Well, maybe.

You see, he's going to stay with us for about a year, and if everything works

out all right, then the adoption agency...

We'll make a recommendation to the court.

I know we'll like him. I just hope he likes us.

I know he'll like you, Esther.

Why, thank you, Fred.

Children always love animals.

Fred Sanford, you are the lowest of the low.

And the meanest of the mean.

And the baddest of the bad.

And you are the ugliest of the ugly.

Yvonne, Esther, if we want to pick up your son on time.

My son.

Yes, I'm going to get my son.

Forgive me, Fred Sanford, if I made you angry.

I should be thankful that the Lord has smiled upon me today.

And in return, I should smile upon all his creatures.

Bye, creature.

with him because, you know, I'm really, really nervous about, you know, being a

father. I understand, Woody. I learned the day after Lamont was born, it's much

harder to be a father than it is to become one.

Yeah, I know, Fred, but you see, I'm really concerned about his past.

You know, he was a juvenile delinquent and he just might still be.

Well, why did you adopt him?

Well, because he needed it the most.

You know, he's the last person in the world that anybody wants.

Not true.

What do you mean? The last person anybody would want would be Esther.

Hello, Mr. Anderson.

Hi.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Where did she come from?

Oh, she started working yesterday.

Is she up for adoption?

No, Fred.

Is she up for grabs?

I'll ask her myself.

Look here, honey, excuse me, but you do some very nice work.

You like my display?

Yes, very well stacked.

Pleasure. Fun.

I'm Freddy G. Sanford. The G stands for gum.

And here they are, friend.

Here we are, Daniel.

This is your store.

And up there is your house.

That's him, friend.

Does he look tough to you?

You ain't said nothing to him about the cash register either.

Just say hello, Woody, because he's already introduced himself to the cash

register.

Well, hello, son.

Hello. If you don't say something to him about that cash register, I'm going to

ring up a no -sell knot on your head.

Can I talk to you both for a minute?

Hey, Woody, back off there. He wants to talk to me and Esther a minute. Just a

minute, mister. I want to talk to them.

Here's all the money back.

Why, thank you, son, but why did you take it in the first place?

Because I've been around long enough, and I've been in trouble too many times,

and I know a bad case when I see one.

And that weirdo over there with the legs like parentheses is up to no good.

to no undesirables.

We ought to feel right at home here.

Say, Daniel, say hello to Uncle Fred.

What's happening, Uncle Fred?

Thank you.

Oh.

Can I have her now?

What do you mean, Snoop? Snoop?

Dara Snoop.

Don't worry, Esther.

Not just because I happen to think that she's cute and pretty and sweet and

charming. That doesn't mean that I like her better than you just because you're

not.

Good. Some of the ladies from my church is coming over tonight to welcome Daniel

to the community.

I hate surprises.

Aren't you going to say hello to the ladies?

Hello, sisters.

How are you, Woodrow?

You're looking healthy for a man of your age.

Oh, and might I say the same for you?

Thank you.

As a matter of fact, I hope I look that well when I'm 70.

I beg your pardon, but I'll have you to know that I haven't seen my 50th

birthday.

I did.

I saw your 50th birthday.

And it was 20 years ago, if I recall.

Woodrow, if you don't shut your double -breasted lips, you're going to look

awful the rest of your life.

Yes.

We have a little presentation we would like to make.

Yes, Sister Simpson.

To Daniel.

Will it be Anderson?

Well... It takes about a year before the adoption becomes final.

But if he decides to stay, then it'll be Daniel Anderson forever.

Well, suppose you don't want me at the end of the year.

Oh, son, that's out of the question.

I want you now.

And a year from now, I want you 365 times more.

Well, just give it to him like it is, sister.

Give him what, Sister Cooper? This Bible.

See, it has his name in it.

What?

You see, I don't believe in God.

Constance's handkerchiefs. You're kidding.

And there's initials on it. There are? Yeah.

F .S.

Fred Sanford. Uh, no, no. That's, uh, First Sergeant Constance.

See, he got this handkerchief before he became a general.

How much? Uh, $50 for the bugle and the invaluable handkerchief.

How much for just the bugle?

Uh, $49 .95.

Oh, man. That's ridiculous.

Look here. Right, right, right. I see that you love bugles.

$35. Goodbye.

All right, all right, I'll level with you.

This wasn't blown by Custer. It was blown by Private Brown during the

of Normandy.

$20.

Okay, okay, wait a minute. I'll tell you the truth.

Well, it was used by a Boy Scout to bang on the drums of the parade last

Thursday.

$15. Oh, forget it, man.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. I found it.

$5.

You cheap jerk.

What's happening?

It's Uncle Fred.

Uncle Fred.

Uncle Fred Sanford.

You can drop the uncle, you can drop the Fred, you can drop the Sanford, and you

can drop out of sight.

You too, huh?

Me do what?

Don't want me around.

You can stay, but just let me fish you before you leave here.

Hey, Danny, what's happening, buddy?

Not too good, Lamar. What's the matter?

Everything, man.

I was wondering if you could drive me back to the home.

Why?

Because they don't want me.

Who don't want you?

Mr. and Mrs. Anderson.

Oh, come on now, Daniel. What if he gave you that idea, man? She said, get out

of my house, heathen.

That would do it.

Look, why don't you sit down for a minute, Daniel? I'd just as soon get

the home.

He'd just as soon get back to the home. Besides, I don't want to sit around here

watching him steal.

I didn't steal that stuff.

I gave it back anyway.

All I did was borrow it.

Say, what did you borrow?

Some musical instruments.

Hey, man, I can't afford to buy it. So I broke in this music store and took some

instruments and some lesson books.

And I got caught when I broke in to return them.

Man, I was only 10 years old.

Hey, listen, Daniel, that's all over with, man. That's all behind you. That's

the past.

What I want to know is why Ernest asked you to leave the house.

I just told her I didn't believe in God, that's all. That's all?

Telling Esther there's no God is like telling Jimmy Carter there's no more

toothpaste.

Hey, Pop, would you excuse Daniel and myself for a minute?

For what?

Well, a little conversation, you know, man to man.

Man to man?

Who I look like, Doris Day?

Young man to younger man.

I may be 68 years old, but I can still float like a butterfly and sting like a

bee.

You got a thing to say, you can say it in front of me.

All right. How about son to son?

Make that dummy the dummy and I'll leave.

Okay, you got it. All right. I'll go into the kitchen, dummies. Thank you.

Now, this is what I want you to do. See?

I asked her to come over. Why? To exterminate her so she don't get ill

Wednesday.

What is it you want to tell me about that heathen child I don't already know?

Who not only doesn't believe in God, but he's also a thief.

Just go to show you what happens to people who don't believe in God.

Let him among us who is without sin cast the first brick at Esther's face.

Watch it, sucker.

Say, Ernest, let me ask you a question.

What difference does it make whether or not Daniel believes in God?

What difference does it make?

The difference is that up until now, Daniel's never had a reason to believe

anything. But that's all behind him now.

And he's got you and Uncle Woody, and with your influence, he'll probably

believe in God.

I think he needs you and Uncle Woody, Ernest.

But he's a thief, Mark. No, he's not.

Excuse me, am I next?

For what?

To buy something.

Well, you can see right by the crowd here that we're very busy. And you see

customers milling around.

Less standing and more milling.

I'm looking for some junk I used in a bicentennial pageant that an Indian

group of mine is putting on.

For example, an old fife and drum or a bugle. A bugle. Did you say a bugle? Of

course you said a bugle. You wouldn't lie to me, would you? Here's a bugle. I

just happened to have one. And you see, it was the original bugle. It's $10.

Will it play?

Not by itself.

See, if you just take it home and try it, and then if it don't work, then

because you might need lessons.

No, never mind. Thank you. Just a second. Let me see that for a minute.

Better keep your eye on it, Fred.

Yeah.

Fifteen dollars.

I thought you said ten.

Now, that was without the floor show.

Okay, I'll take it. Thank you. Not bad, Daniel. Not bad.

Not bad.

Darn good.

And he taught himself. That's why he was arrested for borrowing them music

books. But you can't forgive that. Not you. You hold that against him.

Anyone else would be proud to have a son like that.

But not you.

Look up in that Bible of yours and see if there's anything in there about

forgiving.

Forgive him. You should be ashamed of yourself, Woody.

Hey, Lamont, take him on back to the home.

Home? He's not going to any home.

Except for the home of his mother and father.

Right, father?

Right, mother.

Right, son?

Right, dad.

Dad!

Like father, like son.

Come on, let's go home.

Son? Yeah, Pop?

Let me ask you something.

How come you never call me Dad?

Oh, I don't know. I suppose it's because you're more of a Pop than a Dad.

Really? Well, Pop this.

You know, you're really something, Dad.

Thanks. Thanks, son.

There's some salad for you in the kitchen.

It's the original bugle used by Patton to wake up his troops, right?

No, dummy, it's a real trumpet with real valves and everything.

Got to be worth at least $50.

How do you know that?

Because that's what I paid for it.

You paid $50? You paid for that?

Pop, what are we going to do with a $50 trumpet?

Anybody that would be in the market to buy a $50 trumpet wouldn't come to a

junkyard.

Come in, Daniel.

What's happening, Lamont? You want to see me, Uncle Fred?

Wow, that's a bad... That's what I wanted to see you about.

You like it?

It's out of sight.

It's yours.

Oh, man, I can't take this. This must have cost 50 or 60 bucks.

That old trumpet? No, I picked it up real cheap. Oh,

yeah, he just polished it up to make it look good.

Hey, man, how can I thank you?

Do you know sugar blues?

You know that song?

No, but I promise I'll learn it for you.

Oh, hey, listen, there's a mute that goes with it.

Don't forget the mute. Oh.

Hey, thanks.

But it doesn't fit.

Well, don't worry. We won't let it go to waste.

What do you mean?

You can stick it in your mother's mouth.

Oh, I'm sorry, Daniel.

Spoiler. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Daniel. I mean, you have a wonderful mother.

So try sticking it in your father's ear.