Original subtitles

Hello?

Oh, hi, Aunt Esther.

What? What's the matter?

No, he's not, but he'll be there this afternoon. Why don't you come on? Hello?

Hey,

Papa, Aunt Esther just called.

I hope she called from Mars.

Hey, man, can't you ever be serious? She sounded strange over the phone.

She is strange.

Something's got to be wrong, Pop. She's on her way over here.

I thought I heard some hoofbeats.

She and Woody are coming over here. Look, Pop, try and be a little nice to

Ernesto. I mean, you know, she's got that whiplash, and that's very painful.

Say, how'd you get that anyway?

Well, she was sitting in the back of Uncle Woody's truck, and she got hit

the rear.

How could you tell? Both ends look the same to me.

I tell you, Pop, I'm worried about her, man. I never heard her talk this way,

and I couldn't tell what was wrong with her over the phone.

Well, I wouldn't worry, sir. It might be just the result and the reaction of her

yearly rabies shots.

Would you stop it?

That's probably her now. Now, Pop, try to be nice to her. All right, get the

door.

Hello, Ernestor. Hello, Lamont.

Hey, Uncle Woody. Oh, that's all right, Lamont. I'll pour my own.

Hello, Fred.

Hello, Woody.

Hello, Fred Sanford, and how are you today?

Fine up to now.

Will you stop that?

Okay, okay.

I'm quite fine, Ernestor. And may I lie and say how nice it is to see you.

How's your neck, Ernestor?

It's much better, thank you.

May I sit down?

Certainly. I'll push the couch out on the freeway.

Never mind him. Sit down here and make yourself comfortable.

Thank you, Lamont. You're welcome.

You're a nice nephew.

I know.

And you make a nice cousin.

What? Tell him, Woodruff.

You tell him, Esther. It was your idea.

But you went along with it. Well, because you insisted.

But you gave in.

Because you would have killed me.

I mean, you couldn't mean. You do?

Woodrow and I are going to have a baby.

Watch it suffer.

Congratulations, Uncle Woody.

Thank you, Lamar. This calls for a drink. Congratulations, Aunt Esther.

you, baby. If you're going to have a baby, you better call for a

What's the matter with you, Pop? Why can you be so cruel, Aunt Esther and Uncle

Woody, on the happiest day of their life? Because they're both too old and

ugly to have a baby.

You don't know nothing about babies.

Who? Fred G. Stanford?

The G stands for goo -goo.

Fred G. Sanford, that we're not going to have this baby the way you had Lamont.

You're going to have this baby on purpose?

I'm sorry, sir. I mean, I never regretted it. Thanks loads.

You see, Fred, what Esther means is we're going to adopt our child.

That's just what I mean.

Hey, adopting. Now, I think that's wonderful.

I do, too. I'll drink to that.

You drink to Enron Tony.

Why do you want this baby anyway?

We need one.

You need one? Why?

Because we have a conscience, Fred.

We have a home and a business.

And no one to give it to when we pass on.

Well, give it to me and pass on.

I understand perfectly, Honester.

I knew you would, Lamont.

Aren't you too old to start with a little baby?

Of course we are, Fred. Now, we're not going to adopt a little baby.

We're going to adopt a teenager.

Do you know there are hundreds of orphaned youngsters in this state that

wants? And do you know there are two adults in my living room that nobody

What's the matter with you? Can't you see that what Uncle Woody and Arnester

doing is a wonderful thing? Yes, it's wonderful, son. They're taking a child

of the asphalt jungle and putting him in lion's country safari.

Now listen, Fred. You know, you're really beginning to get on my nerves

Now, I've sat here and listened to you insult my wife long enough, so I'm going

to be waiting right outside where I don't have to hear it.

Exactly what can we do for you, Aunt Esther? The adoption agency wants to

if we can provide for our new child.

And I would like to know if you would be willing to guarantee that no matter

what, there will always be food in his mouth and a roof over his head.

You got it on, Esther. No matter what we have, it's yours.

Now, wait a minute, Lamont.

Don't be so Russian so fast. Don't do that.

Not so fast.

What's the matter, Fred? Don't you agree with Lamont?

I don't have to agree with him.

What he does with his half of the empire is his business.

What I do with my 90 % is my business.

Anyway, thank you, Lamar. You're welcome, Aunt Esther. So when do you get

child? Well, we've been to the initial meetings, and now we have to go through

the medical examination.

And what is ha -ha supposed to mean? It

means that if you have to take a physical, then you're going to have

adopting the baby.

Why? Because they don't let criminals adopt babies.

to take a physical, you'll have to take your clothes off.

If you take your clothes off, that's criminal.

Why you be the eye.

Wait a minute.

If you take your clothes off, that would be first degree ugliness with malice

and forethought and attempt to cause blindness.

Hey, son.

Say, look, I got these flowers for you. Now, don't be mad with me. Hey, Papa,

I'm not mad at you for the way you treat me.

I'm mad at you for the way you treat Aunt Esther.

Give her some flowers.

I won't be mad at you no more.

Well, when I give her flowers, you know that I'm going mad.

You see, there you go again. Now, what could Aunt Esther have possibly done to

you to make you hate her all these years?

In the first place, she never liked me.

In the second place, she opposed my marriage to your mother.

And in the third place, she didn't like me after the wedding. And in all the

other places, she's just too ugly.

It's impossible.

You know that.

Hello? Oh, hi, Aunt Esther.

What?

Oh, no.

What? Oh, that's terrible.

What? I'm sorry to hear that.

What? What? He will, Aunt Esther. He will. Who?

Oh, come on. Don't stop crying, okay?

What am I going to do? Wait a minute, Aunt Esther. Now, don't do anything

terrible. No, don't do it, Esther. Don't do it. I'll do what, son? Pop will do

it. He'll do it. Just say yes.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. You hear that?

Okay, now just relax, Aunt Esther. We'll be right over there.

Great. Come on, let's go. Well, what am I going to do? You did a great thing

over there just now. Let me tell me what's happening.

You're going to have to be Aunt Esther's husband.

I didn't pick this day yesterday.

This day just came along.

Esther, Esther.

Caesar!

can you drink a bottle in a half hour you got a bottle in a half hour and i'll

show you he got all nervous because the adoption lady was coming over and got

drunk what's she coming over here for to see if we have proper environment to

bring up a child well call him up son and stop him why undoubtedly this is not

the proper environment look here a boozer and a loser

How can I help you?

Oh, do you mean it? Oh, don't do that. Don't touch me. I don't be doing all

stuff. I ain't had my swine flu shot yet.

Oh, Fred, I don't know how I can thank you. I'll tell you.

Just try shaving.

Look, Pop, this is what you and I have to do. No, I'll tell you what to do. I

ain't got to wait no more.

Hey, Pop, you and I have to better hurry.

Okay, you're both ready? Yeah, we ready.

Okay, now, Pop, now you have to remember, you have to act as if you're a

married couple.

I know.

And, Pop, you got to act like you're the man of the house.

I know. And like you love Aunt Esther.

I think I'm going to throw up.

You promised, Fred Sanford. I know, I know.

There they are now, look.

Now, Pop, you get the door, and I'm going to go in here and stay in the

with Uncle Woody. Now, no matter what you do, Don't let them come in the

bedroom. Right. Okay?

Coming!

Oh!

How do you do?

Well, how do you do? I'm Mrs. Sherman of the Adoption Agency.

Oh, how nice.

I'm Mrs. Anderson.

And this is my beloved husband, Woodrow.

Woodrow, meet Mrs. Sherman.

Yes, we thought it'd be nice for the child to have a home with a pet in it.

I agree with that.

Well, thanks a lot. I'm glad that you agreed with what I agreed on that you

agreed with.

And I think it'd give me a privilege to say it later on somewhere and give you a

chance to agree with me again.

Would you like a cup of coffee? No, thank you. A cup of soup? No.

What would you like? Can I get anything for you?

I beg your pardon? What would you like?

May I see your bird?

You see,

Mrs. Sherman, our bird is very shy.

And I'm afraid if you look at him, he might become frightened. Then he

want to meet anyone new like our child.

Well, that's awfully thoughtful of you.

You seem very anxious to have this child.

Oh, we are. We think we make wonderful parents. Well, you just might.

Mrs. Anderson, we find the most important thing is for the child to come

loving home.

Oh, this is the most loving home.

Oh, yes, it is. Isn't it poopsie -whoopsie?

I think I'm a whoopsie all over my poopsie.

Oh, my, that is cute.

You two really are cute.

And this place seems so homey. Will you show me around?

Why, of course.

Now, this room, by the way, is the living room. And that room is where

and I sleep.

But if you say we can have the child, we're going to get a pull -out bed and

it in here for us. And we're going to get the child -out -bed room. Now,

wonderful.

You know, I just can't imagine why you shouldn't be allowed to adopt a child.

Show me the room where the child will be sleeping. Oh, wait a minute. The parrot

is in there.

The parrot is more important than the child, right?

and thank you for dropping in.

Oh, I see you met my parent.

One of you would like to explain what's going on here?

Are you feeling better, Mr. Anderson?

Oh, yes, thank you. I just have a slight headache.

It'll pass shortly, dear.

You really think so, Esther? I know so.

Because just as soon as Mr.

Sherman leaves, I'm going to knock... Knock your head off.

Now, don't be so upset with him, Mrs. Anderson.

You know, I really can't understand just how trying this was for both of you.

So what happens now?

Well, what I do is go back to my office and write a report on this meeting and

then decide whether or not you should adopt this child.

Well, you know, Mr. Sherman, Uncle Woody isn't drunk all the time, is he, Pop?

Oh, no, no, no.

That's right. He just does it more for... Medicinal purposes, like the

thirst.

Oh, Fred.

Fred, nothing. As important as it is for you to have a child, it's just as

important for the child to have a good home.

And I'm not going to lie for you and nobody else and mess up a child's life.

I don't know a lot about a lot of things, but I know the most important

the world is to have good parents.

That's very true, Mr. Stanford.

I know it. I mean, you should see the home that I prepared for my son.

A palace.

Yeah, you must come over sometime and I'll sort through the junk and show it

you.

Listen, son, junk doesn't ruin a home just like expensive furniture doesn't

a home.

What makes a home is nice, sober parents.

That makes a home, no matter how ugly the wife is.

Why did Fred Sanford... Listen, Esther, I know you'd make a good mother, and

Woody would make a good father if he stopped drinking.

If I was you, Mr. Sherman, I'd come back in a while and see how he's doing. Then

I'd give them the best child that you got.

I mean that.

Oh, Fred Sanford, I...

Don't try to kiss me. That's the last thing I need is a terminal hickey.

Hey, Pop, you want to get that?

What do you think I'm doing?

Hey, how'd it go on, Esther?

Answer the drill.

How'd it go, Uncle Woody?

Well, Mrs. Sherman came back again today just like she promised.

Oh, by the way, aren't you going to offer me a drink?

Would you care for a drink?

No, thank you.

I don't drink anymore.

I'm soon to be a father, you know.

Come, Esther.

Let's hurry before the toy store closes.

Hey, wait a minute. You mean to tell me they're going to let you have a child?

Yes, and thank you.

Thank you both.

Come on, baby.

Hey, Pop, you're crying.

Of course I'm crying, dummy.

I think it's beautiful, man. Uncle Woody stopped drinking, and now he and Ernest

are going to have a child.

I think it's beautiful.

Beautiful is tragic.

Poor man got to look at that ugly face for the rest of his life.

Yes,

yes.

My, that is interesting.

Thank you very much.

Goodbye.

What's the difference there, Pop?

Well, I was just checking with the adoption agency, son, and it's true.

Everyone wants to adopt a newborn baby, but very few of them want to adopt an

older youngster.

Yeah, I know. There's a five -year wait for a newborn baby, but for an older

child, it doesn't take as long. But nobody wants to adopt an older child.

I know it. And there are thousands of homes in this city that can provide a

beautiful, comfortable way of life for them. I'm here. Give them love and

and understanding, and that's what they really need. I'm here.

So I want you to know that I added our name to the list.

To adopt a child?

No, to be adopted.

Look at those lovebirds.

Make that goonie birds.

Who let them out of their cage?

Join us next week when Esther and Woody Lamont and I meet their new son.