Original subtitles

Hello. Daddy's home.

Did you miss me?

Pretty little green thing.

Are you thirsty?

Now looky here.

Are

you

happy?

Ernie, you look droopy.

I'll cheer you up.

Have you heard this one?

There was a junk man that had a garden in his junkyard, and he was raising corn

and beans.

And guess what he got?

Sucker trash.

Did you get it?

Got it.

Hello, son.

I was just talking to my little friends here.

Oh, yeah? Well, why don't you ask your little friends if they'll help you clean

up this mess?

What is this?

This is my new hobby.

Making a mess is your hobby? I thought it was your lifestyle.

Son, this is soil.

I'm taking up gardening.

Since when?

Since I sold my stamp collection and spent my corn collection.

Hey, that sounds great, Pop.

Yeah, you see, it's this program called the Galloping Geranium. And lastly, this

guy taught me how to grow lettuce and tomatoes and radishes and stuff like

Hey, you know, that gives me an idea, Pop. We got a lot of room out there in

yard. Why don't we plant our own vegetables?

You mean it?

Yeah, we could do it together. It would be like a father and son hobby.

That's nice, Lamont. I mean, I didn't know you were interested in gardening.

not? Well, up to now, the only thing you've grown is dumber and dumber.

We're doing fine, son.

We're doing fine. Be careful there now. Don't bruise my tomatoes.

This gardening is hard work, ain't it?

You know, you're unbelievable, Pop. We're supposed to be doing this thing

together, man. We're supposed to be in the soil together.

Wasn't I right in there with you yesterday?

Only because you dozed off and fell into the squash.

But, son, see, in my age and in this hot sun, I could have the big one any time.

Don't give me that, Pop. For the last few days, I've been killing myself with

this garden, and all you do is sit in that lounge chair and give me orders.

I'm the gardening expert. You're the gardener.

See, you're the Indian, I'm the chief.

Yeah, sitting bull.

I'm taking a break.

I'm going in the house.

Well, listen, sir, while you're going in there, will you freshen this up for me?

I'll help.

One, two, one, two, three.

One, two, one, two, three.

That's great, Charo.

You know, you look better on television.

I'm Professor Leonard Miller, Caltech Polly, Phi Beta Kappa.

Well, I'm Fred Sanford. Polly want a cracker, I'll sell a junker.

Well, how do you do, sir? You see, I'm a geologist, and my specialty is rock

formations. Oh, really? Well, maybe you can tell me how Gladys Knight found her

pips.

No, Mr. Sanford, you see, I'm a scientist. I study the Earth.

Well, how would you like to study the stars?

I don't think you understand, Mr. Sanford. You see, now, this is 34 north

latitude and 118 west longitude, right? This is 91 -14 south central. This is a

judgment.

Now, can I help you with something?

No, but I think I can help you with something.

Now, I've been studying oil strikes in the Southern California area. Look at

this.

Now, the Baldwin Hills oil strike is here.

The La Brea Tar Pits are here.

And the Santa Barbara strike's up here.

Now, if I connect these three lines and form a triangle, and then bisect the

hypotenuse, the fourth line brings me right here.

Right here.

And you know what's under there, don't you?

Zucchini.

I planted it yesterday.

Uh, no, Mr. Sanford.

Oil.

Are you crazy?

If it was some oil under there, I'd have found it myself.

But my map has led me right here.

That's understandable.

See, this is a junkyard, and your map is a piece of junk.

But, Mr. Sanford, I can prove my theory. Hand me that shovel. Oh, no, no, no.

You can't dig with this shovel. Why not?

Because, A, this is not your shovel. All right, I'll buy it. And, B, it's an

antique.

That's just an ordinary shovel.

No, no, no. Your eyes deceive you.

This priceless treasure helped Hannibal cross the Alps.

Did you ever march behind 200 elephants without a shovel?

Well, where did you get it? A friend of mine who happens to be a scholar of that

period gave it to me. Oh, well, well, what's his name, perhaps? I know him.

you wouldn't know him. It's, uh, uh, Professor J .C. Finney.

I don't believe so.

Well, my goodness, how can you put a price tag on that?

Like this.

Fifteen dollars.

I'll take it.

I'll sell it.

Hey, Pop, you know, I was... Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you... had a

Oh, that's all right, son.

I'd like you to meet Professor Leonard Miller. How do you do?

Well, I guess I'll get back to the garden. Oh, would you hand me that

Oh, no, no.

You can't dig in the garden with a priceless shovel like this.

Priceless? I don't shovel. Now, listen, put that priceless shovel somewhere

safe. You'll be sure you come back here real soon. Well, what about the oil?

Change it every 2 ,000 miles.

You mind telling me what that was all about?

About 15 bucks.

That's what he paid me for that old rusty shovel.

I guess there's a sucker born every minute.

Yeah, and that was an hour's worth.

Well, Pop, are you going to help me with this garden now?

Son, I did my part. I got a scarecrow.

with slugs and snails and birds.

You know, you've gone too far now. I don't want to have anything to do with

this. From now on, this is your garden.

Then step aside.

I now dedicate the first annual Fred G. Sanford Vegetable Garden.

to control all the oil.

And if this guy thinks I'm Arab, he won't try to pull a fast one.

Well, you're the first Arab I've ever seen whose caftan says, Property of El

Segundo Inn.

Well, don't worry, son. He'll fall for it. See, because I'm familiar with all

those at Eastern Culture.

See, we got cousins in Philadelphia.

That doesn't count.

The man is going to see right through you.

He will?

on the first thing about Arab culture. Are you kidding?

Don't you remember I used to date that belly dancer for about six months?

Well, what'd you learn?

Now,

this whole thing... Now,

this whole thing is ridiculous.

Arabs don't even dress like that anymore.

Really, son?

The only Arabs that dress like that are the ones that you see on television.

Now, take that off before you make fools out of us.

No, I'm just trying to help. Well, you should have never put it on the first

place.

Let me see.

I made it up. That's the stuff I found.

I'll get it.

Good afternoon.

My name is Abdullah Aram.

Yes, El Peco.

I'm the man from GLAAD.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I am looking for Mr. Fred Sanford.

This guy's good. He's got active now. I'm fat.

I do not understand.

Oh, man, cut it out. We know Aram don't look like that no more. And take off

that fake beard.

Of course it is real. That is my very own hair. It's on my little chinny -chin

-chin.

Why did you pull it?

Because that's how Americans say hello.

Really?

This is a form of greeting I have never heard of.

Well, everybody does it. Really?

Good afternoon.

Oh, I will never get you through your American customs. I am having so much

trouble with assimilation.

Well, you should eat more roughage.

Mr. Aram, about the oil.

Yes, yes.

It will be ready in a moment. The test is almost completed here.

It is just as I thought.

This is crude.

Pure crude.

That's because we live in what?

Don't insult our oil.

Oh, no, no, no. You misunderstand, Mr. Sanforth. In oil terminology, crude is

good. How good?

Uh, how much?

Well, of course, everything depends on the amount of the yield, but it could be

worth millions.

Millions? Millions!

I am prepared to make you an offer for the oil right to your will.

I will be back tomorrow with the assayant and with the necessary papers

blank check. Well, thanks a lot, Mr. Aaron. Thank you very much. Ah, not at

May the camel of your prosperity always provide two humps for your comfort.

I can live with that.

Yes,

someone like him hot, someone like him cold.

Pop, I don't believe it. Man, we're rich.

We're really rich.

Pop, it's not Pop anymore.

It's Father.

And to everyone else, it's Frederick.

Frederick G.

Sanford. And the G is for Gusher.

Funny, very funny. Where have you been all day? Son, what do rich people enjoy

more than anything else?

Poor people.

No, my, my. Rich people always love to spend money. All the time. Then they

uh, famous places named after them.

Rockefeller Center.

Kennedy Center.

Uh, uh, Carnegie Hall.

Money Hall.

Why'd you haul yourself out of here?

Hey, show no mind what you bought, Fred.

Boy, Pop, we haven't seen a penny of that money yet. I hope you didn't go

and go out there and buy something expensive.

Son, you only go around once in life.

And you ought to do it with gusto.

You bought beer?

No, son.

Here. Try this here.

Sixty dollars an ounce. Hey, Pop, that stuff's against the law.

It's like caviar.

Don't worry.

Smell it.

Oh. Huh?

That stuff smells.

Terrible? What's it made out of? Fish eggs.

Row.

What? Row. Do you mean row?

He will if we get the boat.

What?

Just a little boat, son.

Boat? You bought a boat? It's on layaway.

Pop, we can't afford a boat. Besides, we live in central Los Angeles. Where are

we going to keep it?

On the lake.

What lake?

The lake next to our summer home.

You gotta forget about buying all of this stuff, man. Once we get some money,

then we can figure out what to do with it.

Does that mean I won't be behind the wheel of a new Cadillac?

You promised Bubba a new Cadillac. No, I was gonna let him show for mine.

Oh, that must be Mr. Aaron. I get it.

must wait for the assayers.

What are they assaying?

I don't know. They are a whispering.

That used to kill them down on the oasis.

How long is it going to take before we know? Oh, not much longer. Please be

patient.

Excuse me a moment.

I have to check something outside.

Pop, I'm getting nervous.

Hey, what's wrong here?

Relax yourself. Here's a cigar.

Here, Bob.

Mr. Sanford.

How's the cigar, Mr. Aaron?

Oh, thank you very much.

May the smoke from your hookah always be sweet upon your lips.

I can live with that, too.

I'm afraid I have some bad news, Mr. Sanford.

You don't like my cigar?

No, the cigar.

It is your well that is worthless.

Worthless? Worthless. Look, don't talk with your mouth full.

Sound like you said worthless.

That is exactly what I said.

But you tested it yourself. You said it was pure crude.

Well, that was the first quart.

When we tried the rest, it proved out to be pure sludge. This happens sometimes.

Oh, you said the well could be worth millions.

That was before it was a saint.

Yeah, but we shook on it.

I mean, in this country, when you shake, that means you got a deal.

Alas, I am not familiar with the customs of your country.

Well, maybe I should introduce you to the custom of the big five.

That is familiar even to my country. Believe me, I am sorry that things did

work out. May the palms of your oasis always drop dates in your arms.

And may the palms of my hand drop your teeth at my feet.

It sure is a shame, Fred.

All your dreams up in smoke.

Smoke! Smoke!

Smoke!

Come on, Pop. Snap out of it, man. It's not the end of the world, you know. Oh,

yeah? I'm the laughingstock of Watts. Can you read the paper?

Junkman's crew turns to crud.

I'd like to stay here and console you, but I can't, Pop. I've got to return all

that expensive stuff you bought.

Oh, hi, Professor Miller. Come on in. I'm back. See you later, Pop.

Mr. Sanford, Mr. Sanford, thank you so much. You proved my theory was correct.

We struck oil.

You're wrong. We struck out.

That oil well is worthless.

Oh, well, not to me, Mr. Sanford. You see, that's why I'm here.

I'd like to dig in your dead oil well.

I just think you're crazy.

Ain't no oil in oil well, nothing but some slippery zucchini.

Mr. Sandford, Mr. Sandford, I might find something of scientific importance.

And you'd be doing a great service to the university.

Mr. Sandford, do you realize how expensive it is to do research?

Yeah, $20 a day in advance, you dig?

Yes, I dig.

Well, here's your $20. And now all I find, I keep. You dig?

No, no.

$20 a day, you dig?

$30 a day, you cheat, you dig?

Well, in the name of higher education, I'll pay it. And in the name of lower

income, I'll take it.

Well, Professor, good luck and take all the time you want. Okay, sir.

Did you take care of everything, son?

Did you talk to Professor Miller like I asked you, Pop? He hasn't been by yet,

but when he comes by, I tell him to stop digging.

See that you do. In the meantime, I'm going to go out of here to a swap meet

see if I can't get this business back on its feet.

Sanford, Mr. Sanford, you said my map was a piece of junk, but you were wrong.

We're famous.

Professor Miller, didn't my father tell you that that oil well was worthless?

Oh, yes, yes, I know that, but I found something in there when I was digging.

What? A bone.

A bone?

Well, you better get out of here before Lassie comes home.

No, Mr. Sanford, this was a human leg bone.

Well, I didn't do it. I didn't do it.

I swear I was at the movie that night watching Godzilla eat the Menudo

Mr. Sanford, this was a human leg bone.

5 ,000 years old. See there? I told you I was innocent.

I didn't get to California until 1936.

Pop, would you let him finish?

Mr. Sanford, I sold it this morning to a museum for $10 ,000.

It was an original California caveman bone.

That wasn't no California caveman bone.

That was my bone.

That was my hole, my bone, and my money.

Oh, no, sir. We agreed it was mine.

But you'll be happy to know that I used the money to set up a research fund in

both our names.

I think that's great, Professor Miller.

Well, don't you, Pop?

Look, I don't care what you're thinking. There's nothing you can do about it.

Oh, no.

Out of my way.

What are you doing?

Unless that caveman was a relative of Peg Leg Bates, there's another leg out

there somewhere.

Hey, Pop.

Over here, son.

Come here. What are you doing sitting here in the dark?

Shh, shh, shh.

What are you doing sitting here in the dark? This is my new hobby, tropical

fish. See, that's Louise and that's Pete.

And we're going to make us a fortune.

How, by sitting here in the dark watching them?

No, son. See, we're going to make them.

And then when they see they're rare fish, $7 .50 a piece.

And as soon as they have babies, we'll sell them.

Hey, you know, Pop, I think you really got something here.

We just sit back and relax, and the fish do all the work. Yeah, right.

And you know how fast fish multiply.

We'll be rich in no time.

Hey, Pop, can I ask you something?

Huh? Why are we whispering?

Because I want everything to be just right.

Hey, put that record on empty.

That drives them crazy.

Hey, you know, Pop, this is a great idea.

Yeah, and it's only a matter of time, see? They've been nuzzling all

Well, let me ask you something. How can you tell which is which?

Well, see, the female is the one with the headache.

See, you look in this pamphlet, and then you'll find out about it.

Okay, let me see here.

It says here that the male of the species is clearly identifiable by a

stripe on the tail.

Huh? I hate to be the one to tell you this, but...

Both of these fish are male.

You mean... Exactly.

Well, don't put on eptide. Put on... He's funny that way.