Original subtitles

This is Hawaii.

This is a palm tree.

And this is a coconut.

Last week, Fred and Lamont got here because of these three crooks.

Daddy, you stole all of these diamonds.

Can we go home now?

Right.

Hey, did you check the airport?

Yep.

There are cops all over the place. We'll never get past them.

What about the cruise ships?

Same thing.

Look, with our record, they're going to search us from head to toe.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

But this means we're going to have to find some real clean pigeon to get them

diamonds back into California for us.

This is a pigeon.

And the crooks hid the diamonds in his suitcase.

Some junk association.

I'll just resign.

That's what I'll do.

Either I broke my glasses, or we and Jar Jar Boy's old room.

Hop, you didn't bring your glasses.

These are the diamonds that everybody's been looking for.

And by the process of elimination, we're in big trouble.

They're on their way home to return the diamonds to Smitty and Hoppy.

Excuse me.

Is this the flight to San Francisco?

No, sir. Next counter. Thank you.

Now, sir, checking me through to L .A.? Not the black one.

But you can't, sir. I'll check it for you. No, wait a minute. Look, don't give

chance. Don't tell me what I mean.

Remember, they don't get off this island alive.

We'll be back in a minute with the conclusion of The Hawaiian Connection.

If you lose that card, it's bottomless. There's 20 in it.

Did you drive a little faster?

Hey, Cappy, we're new in town. You know a good place to hide.

Just tell me where you want to go.

Are you to me with El Codondo?

All right, come on out.

If you don't know where you want to go, you'll get out here. It's enough.

I'll report you to the Better Business Bureau. Would you stop arguing with the

man? Let's get out of here. What about my fare?

Is it fair for you to drop us out in the middle of nowhere?

Listen, I got a cab here. There's a meter going, and I... Hey! Hey!

Okay, we got him now. Let's go.

Take me to my lover, my fair lover, I left long ago.

Seen enough sorrow to last a lifetime, going away no more.

Back to her bite show Oh Take

me home on the right Take me to have I know

the best about you is the best Better than the

rest of I know

All right, we want all the grandfathers.

Everybody on stage, all the grandfathers, it's your turn.

You, Grandpa?

Come on up.

Roll out the barrel.

We'll have the barrel.

Everybody, roll out the barrel.

We've got the new gondola.

It's time to roll the gun till the game goes on. Give a nice time for the

grandpa, dear son.

Give a nice time for the grandpa, dear son. Give a nice time for the grandpa,

dear son.

Give a nice time for the grandpa, dear son.

Give

a

nice time for the grandpa, dear son.

Aloha! I'll take care of your car.

Yeah, sure, I knew. I love you, too.

Yeah, but I don't like you to call me here at the... Hold on, darling. I got

another call.

Hi, Chief here.

Burke?

Lost? What do you mean? How could you lose him?

Huh?

You were with Don who?

Oh, who?

Yeah.

Did you stay for the whole show?

Too bad.

You might have got lucky. You got a chance to get up there with the other

grandfathers and learn how to do the hula hula, huh?

Blung, blung, blung.

No, I agree with you. Some of the time.

Say, listen.

David still thinks that Sanford's got the diamonds. He got them stashed away

someplace.

He's going to find out where or kill them.

So go out there and find them.

Get them, Burke.

Right.

Yeah, but... All right, tonight.

Out behind Coco Head, dear.

What now?

Now we head back to the airport.

You won't think of looking there.

Pop, are you sure you know where you're going? Sure I know. I got a built -in

compass in my nose.

Well, right now we can use that compass in your mouth. How would you like a fish

in your mouth?

Pop, what are we doing here? They only got fish in this place.

Well, let's have a tuna sandwich. We'll figure something out. Come on.

Hey, Pop, we're trapped here, man. They're going to get us.

Son, don't worry. If they find us, I'll tell them you forced me to go along with

you. Thanks a lot, Nero.

You got to be here someplace.

Are you going to shoot him?

Oh, come on. Don't talk like that. No, we're just going to find out where he is

at the time.

Then we'll shoot him.

Well, they've got to be here at some point. Let's try to...

Anything

moves, shoot.

You got it.

and take me alive.

You want to hear my speech before the panel discussion?

They're going to shoot you.

Gwyneth, would you kindly go feed yourself to the fishes?

Where are the diamonds?

African Muslim.

See, I was reading his book.

Listen, Brillo Face.

Now, you got a million dollars worth of our diamonds, and we want them. We don't

know where the diamonds are. Somebody switched bags with us. Oh, but you found

them. We found them, but we don't have the diamonds now.

You expect us to believe you?

Believe him.

He used to go to Zen school.

Sometime we'll set aside a day to listen to a dissertation on his religious

background. In the meantime, we want you to tell us where are the diamonds.

And then he's going to shoot you.

Look, we don't have to die.

Maybe a couple of slugs in your toes will jog your father's memories.

Oh. Well, one of you better start talking or else this kid here is going

a .38 caliber pedicure. You've got a count of three.

My baby.

One.

Pop. And you were such a great dancer.

Two. Oh, Pop.

Could you stand over there, son?

Hey, thanks. He was just about to shoot.

We always show up at the last minute.

But may I say, that is our style.

Well, I say you style think.

You two have a couple questions to answer, too.

Why? We haven't done anything.

Haven't done anything.

Not returning stolen property. Not paying for a taxi from the airport to

nightclub. Getting on an $8 cover charge at Don Ho's. Doing a rotten hula.

Healing a car.

How's that for a start?

How's this for a finish?

How's your march high, Freddy?

Not bad, Chief.

Good. Uh, excuse me, Chief. Do you think we could go home now?

Well, I guess so.

You straightened just about everything out.

Except, of course, the whereabouts of a million dollars worth of diamonds.

Well, we'd pay you back a dollar a week.

Well, at least you helped us round up the crooks. That's something, huh? The

diamonds? Ah, way to go sometimes, huh?

Are you going to stop looking for them now?

No, no, no.

Ah, we never stop.

That's a motto here at Bible.

What's the motto?

We never stop.

Well, I guess we're going now. Hey, Frank from the mainland leaves in about

hour or so.

Aloha and mahalo.

Nicky, Nicky, likey, likey, looky.

Hallelujah.

Yeah, right. Let me check.

Let me grab a check and watch.

Thank you.

Thank you. What?

What, Mr.

Stanford? What a nice surprise.

You didn't stay very long.

Oh, no, we had to cut it short. Got to dash to Switzerland to make a deposit.

Well, you're in fine A and B. Thank you. Let's go, Pop.

Well, if it isn't Wilbur and Orville. Right.

Pop, at least we got to spend one day in the sun.

Maybe we'll go back again soon, son.

And first class all the way.

Yeah, you know, Pop, Hawaii would be a fantastic place to spend your honeymoon.

Yeah, Janet would love it. The three of us would have a great time.

I'll get your order in just a minute.

Hey, Pop, before the food comes and the trays have to go down, don't you think

you should go wash up?

Am I dirty?

No, see, I don't mean that you're dirty. Well, I was going to say what you mean.

Well, why don't you go to the bathroom now so you won't disrupt everybody's

meal? Look, don't treat me like I'm a baby.

I'm old enough to know when I got to go and when I don't have to go.

I'm not a baby. Okay, I'm sorry.

Well, then, out the way. I got to tinkle.

Oh, it's you again.

Yeah, me again.

At least I got an excuse.

How come you're going home so soon?

I couldn't get a room. All because of some dumb junk convention.

Junk convention?

You should have stayed on as one of the displays.

Listen, fuzz face.

You make one move toward that washroom door before me and you get flushed into

the Pacific.

Oh, yeah?

minute. They called when they landed.

They weren't supposed to be back for a week. I guess Fred missed me.

That's right. Unless he can insult somebody, he can't have a good time.

Aloha, we're here.

How come you're back so early, Fred?

It's a long story, Bubba.

Yeah, you probably hear it on the news.

You got in some kind of trouble, didn't you?

Not until I looked at you.

Hey, what happened, Pop?

Well, pull up a pineapple and...

I'll make you a mites. I ain't tell you all about it.

You see?

And so I'm a national hero of wacky cake.

See, I captured the crooks. And I'm honorary member of Hawaii Five -0.

Lamont helped too.

Hey, that's fantastic, friend.

Especially the part where Don Ho didn't show up and you did the whole show.

Yeah, especially that part.

And when you fought the sharks and saved Lamont, that was...

really happened to the diamonds?

Well, they got turned into cameras.

Somebody's walking around with a suitcase with a false bottom.

Well, it can't be etched because hers is real.

Well, this is South Hawaii, man. Yeah, and it didn't cost us anything.

Come in.

You are Mr.

Fredo G.

Sanfordo?

That's me.

Want to take a picture? Now get one of hers and save you a trip to the zoo.

All right, thieves, hand it over. It was an accident.

I must have picked it up in Honolulu.

Your name was in it, so you must have mine.

That's right.

You have my cameras, and I need them.

And I have your underwear, and you probably need them.

That's the bag, sir. You are very honest, family.

Your bag was worthless.

Worthless? Are you kidding?

Hey, Bubba.

Why don't you go out in the blizzard and freeze your brain and wait till they

get a cure for it?

Here's your back, sir.

Thank you.

And sayonara.

and keep your hands where I can see them.

Now you can be a greater hero, returning the diamonds, saving the insurance

company all that money, being a good person, being honest, giving back most

these valuables and the rest of my church.

What are you talking about, Pop?

I'm talking about first -class living. Everything you always wanted.

Money, mansions, motels.

And a suite at San Quentin.

Hey, what are you doing here? Where's Hoppy?

He moved over to Vice for a month or so. I just came back to welcome you from

the tropics and to introduce you to my new partner. This is Percy.

Oh, how you doing?

tell you this, but I just found some diamonds. Should be where your

are.

How do you like a fist where your nose is?

Hey, those are some pretty nice souvenirs.

Those diamonds are real, Smitty. Not only that, they're stolen.

No, they aren't. They're right there.

I'm gonna call a Y -5 -0.

Fred, we're just gonna return them to the rightful owners.

Hey, wait a minute. I get it. The Honolulu heist, and this is the loot.

You're a hero, Fred.

Wonderful, isn't it?

The diamonds are worth a million. They're bound to give us 10 ,000 or so.

Well, that's right, Commander, in a false compartment.

Right. Fine.

Well, we're going to turn him over to Officer Smith here of the LAPD.

Reward? I told you, Bubba.

Well, hey, thank you very much.

And hello out of you, too.

How much? Hey, he was a very happy man, Pop. Who cares?

How much? He said to tell you that you're a fine person. How much? He said

honesty is a rare thing nowadays.

How much, dummy?

$500.

$500? Are they kidding?

It'll make a nice donation to the church, praise the Lord.

Yeah, look here, Pop. It's better than nothing, man.

I'll just take him along to the station.

I'm proud of you, Fred.

Here's some mail that was waiting outside.

See you later.

Yeah, and remember, man's best friend is his dog.

A woman's best friend is her diamonds.

A lot of women are dogs.

No dirty, no down Steven. What is it, pal?

It's a bill for the plane tickets.

$506. We gotta pay for the plane fare.

Where are we gonna get the money?

Well, there's the $500 reward.

I know about the reward, but where are we going to get the six bucks?