Original subtitles

Hey, listen, listen.

Roger, did I tell you to cut that out? I didn't expect me to get any rest of you

making all that noise.

But Grandpa Fred, I'm going to be just like Walt Frazier, the star of the

Knicks. Good. Well, go practice in New York. Give me that ball.

How am I going to learn to dribble without a basketball?

You don't need one.

Haven't you ever heard of shadow dribbling?

Shadow dribbling?

Yeah, we used to do it all the time when I was with the Globetrotters.

You were on the Harlem Globetrotters? What?

Can you teach me how to shadow dribble?

Sure. See, it's like shadow boxing.

Only you shadow dribble. You get it?

Yeah, just pretend you're dribbling. That's it. Now back up.

Take a back step. That's it. Now to the right.

To the left.

Dribble back.

Higher. Higher.

Higher.

Higher. Back step.

Higher.

just teaching me how to shadow dribble. Shadow dribble? Yeah, like when he was

on the Harlem Globetrotters.

Pop, you were never on the Harlem Globetrotters. Yes, I was.

You just don't remember because when I was dribbling with the Globetrotters,

was slam dunking in your diapers.

Listen, Pop, I got some good news for you.

Don't tell me I know.

Elsa had her face lifted by a two -ton crane.

Well, Remember I told you that Janice's mother was a schoolteacher up in

Oakland? Well, see, she wrote this paper on how to discipline problem children,

and the paper was so good, Pop, that she was named Teacher of the Month by

Education Magazine.

I'm sure she'll make a lovely centerfold.

That's my grandma. She's the greatest.

Hey, Roger, will you excuse me and Pop for a minute? Yeah, Roger, look here.

If you want to be great and full of spunk, go out in the yard and dribble in

junk.

Well, for your information, Pop, Education Magazine is very big, man.

is a big honor for Mrs. Gordon.

I understand. I was once in Dump Daily.

I was a junkmate of the month.

I give up. It's impossible to try to talk to you. I'm sorry, son. I know it's

great honor.

And next time you're in Oakland, congratulate her for me. Why don't you

yourself? Because I'm not going to Oakland.

Pop, that's what I've been trying to tell you. You don't have to tell me. I

I'm not going to Oakland.

Look, every year there's this big teacher's conference here in L .A., and

Gordon was picked to read her paper here. Now, she's coming here next week,

you know, and she's dying to meet you.

Well, I'm not dying to meet her.

What do I have in common with some old stuffy schoolteacher?

Well, to start with, me and Janet.

Don't worry about it, Pop. She's a wonderful woman, and the two of you are

to get along just fine.

Oh, I always get along well with schoolteachers. I can't wait to meet her

can clap her erasers.

I can't see the movie. And it's my very favorite one, too.

The giant baboon who ate ragoon.

At noon.

In June.

With a spoon.

And will you shut up soon?

What's eating you, Fred?

I don't know, Bubba. I'm just nervous. I haven't even slept since I heard the

news. What news?

You know Janet's mother is a big shot school teacher up there in Oakland.

And she's coming all the way down here.

Just to read a paper.

Don't they have no papers up in Oakland?

Bubba, it's the paper that she wrote. You see, she's reading it at a big

teacher's convention here in town. I don't lie in front of everybody.

Fred, you must feel very dumb.

What are your grandchildren going to think?

They got a grandmother who writes papers and a grandfather who collects them.

Before I talked to you, Bubba, I felt awful.

Now I feel terrible. How do you like to feel this?

I'm sorry.

You're right, Bubba. But what you gonna think of me?

I ain't nothing but a junk man.

Fred, you remind me of the immortal Phil Green.

Who's he?

He used to be just like you.

A nothing.

A nobody.

A useless, empty shell of a man.

Until he became world famous by pushing a waterbed from Los Angeles to Detroit.

A feat that got him a place on the official book of world records.

What's that got to do with me?

Don't you see, Fred?

If you could get your name in the official book of world records, it would

just as important as reading a paper at some teacher's conference.

You think so?

Sure. Maybe Janet's mother might even write a paper about you, Fred.

I think you got something there.

Yeah.

No.

How's that feel, Fred?

Oh, fine, Bubba. It's easy.

Good. Just stay that way until Thursday and you'll be immortal.

If I stayed this way on Thursday, I'd be a Stark.

So, so far, every record you come up with is impossible.

Try harder. Look in there.

We haven't even scratched the surface, Fred.

Here's a good one, Fred.

Make two fifths.

Now stick them in your armpits.

That's it.

Now flap your arms and squat.

How would you like to hold the record for the world's fattest lip?

Hold it, Fred. I think I got it.

You like apple pie, don't you?

Sure, all Americans love apple pie.

Your problem's solved.

It is?

Yeah.

Now, who told you you could use my phone?

I'm sorry, can I use your phone, Fred?

Sure, you don't have to ask.

Hello, is this Paul's Pie Palace?

I'd like to order 243 apple pies.

Put my phone down.

I can't eat no 243 apple pies.

You only have to eat 240.

Three of them are for me.

Oh, Bubba, we can do better than this. I'm a nervous wreck. I haven't slept a

wink, and I probably won't sleep a wink until after Janice's mother leaves here.

Wait a minute.

That's it.

Awake.

Awake. Awake.

Yeah, here it is.

You know, if you stay awake until she leaves, you'll break the world record

currently held by Choo Choo Rabinowitz.

How much longer do I have to stay up?

Oh, about seven days, 14 hours and 20 minutes.

I don't think I can make it, brother.

I'm not going to stay up that long.

It'll be easy, Fred.

I'll supervise the whole operation.

You will.

I can see it now.

I'm going to be immortal.

Look out, Choo Choo Rabinowitz.

I'm going to break that record.

This is all to talk about a record.

Oh, son, you see, I don't break the record. The world's record for staying

longer than anybody else. Sure you are.

Oh, you just don't believe me, because you don't think I can be nothing but

a junk man.

Pop, you don't have to prove anything to me.

Think of how proud you're going to be of me, son, with my name right next to

Hank Aaron, Jesse Owen, and Melvin Watson.

Who's Melvin Watson?

Oh, well, he went to Guido's Italian Grotto and ate continuously for 314

May he rest in pizza?

Go ahead, Pop. Make a fool out of yourself. I don't care. I'm not going to

a fool of myself. I'm just going to show you that I'm just as important as your

future mother -in -law.

Would you do me a favor?

Please, don't mess up Mrs. Gordon's visit here to Los Angeles, okay?

You know, maybe it's not such a great idea, Fred.

Don't worry about him. He's just jealous. Now, what do we do?

Well, first I'll have to call the official book of records and tell them

their erasers ready.

Okay, well, I'll just make myself comfortable.

I mean, after I get comfortable, that'll make... What are you doing, Buck?

I'm not going to let you relax.

That's the worst thing you can do is to get comfortable.

What you need to do is to be around things that make you jumpy.

Things that annoy you.

Things that make your skin crawl.

Well, what are you waiting for? Call Esther.

I can't, baby. I'm too nervous.

You've met my mother before?

I know that's not the problem. Your mother's never met Pop before.

I can't believe he's actually going through with this. I mean, he's been up

four straight days.

I hope he's not under any kind of a strain.

No, well, I made sure. I called up the doctor and had him come over and check

Pop out.

What'd the doctor say?

Well, he said Pop's in good shape, but he's in no condition to meet your mom.

I mean, he's irritable and cranky and grouchy. This morning, he bit one of the

neighbors.

I think you're exaggerating. I also feel that everything is going to be just

fine. Maybe you're right. Papi is notorious for not finishing what he

Oh, I know something that he finished.

And am I delighted.

That she's starting and your mother's coming in.

There she is. Oh, there she is.

Hello, sweetheart.

How are you? Hello, Lamar. Hello, Mrs. Gordon.

I'm so excited about this visit. Oh, so are we. You must really be looking

forward to the conference, huh? Oh, I am. It's quite a thrill.

And I'm also looking forward to meeting your father.

Uh, I just remembered, Pop can't meet anybody this week. See, it's the height

the junk season, and right now, Rust is at a premium.

Lamont!

It's all right, dear.

I know how Lamont feels.

It's always hardest on the kids when the future in -laws meet for the first

time.

And I'm sure your father is as up for it as I am.

Oh, he's up for it, all right.

Come on here.

Come on here.

Hey, Sanders, right there. Come on here.

Shut up. Shut up. You're driving me crazy.

Oh, come on, Fred. You know my singing keeps you awake.

Yeah, but you keep singing the same old tune over and over. Sing something else,

will you?

I only know one other tune, and I don't think you'd like that.

I don't care what it is, Bubba.

Just start singing it. All right.

Rock -a -bye, baby.

Please. It felt so good. Let me try it again.

Come out of here.

Come out of here.

No, not that way, brother. Please.

Just let me take a little nap.

Nobody will know. It'll just be between me and my pillow.

You can't do that, Fred.

You have to break the record fair and square.

And besides, the man from the official book of records said he might drop by at

any time.

You know, they check on you that way.

Here, I'll get you some more coffee.

Wait a minute, brother. No more coffee.

I didn't have too much coffee. You're beginning to look like Mrs. Olsen.

All right, then it's time to bring in the second team.

Hi, Grandpa Fred.

Keep it up, Roger.

How's that, Fred?

Oh, it's no good, brother. I'm fading fast.

Fair enough, Fred. We still have our ace in the hole.

Esther's on her way.

There's our ace in the hole.

We should have our face in the hole.

What took the old brown hog so long?

Welcome to my castle, you ugliness.

Well, now you've met Pop.

How do you do?

Well, I must say you have a unique way of answering the door.

He's not always like that.

No, you see, Pop hasn't slept in four days.

Oh, you poor man.

Do you suffer from insomnia?

Oh, no, let me explain. Don't explain that now, just hush. You go ahead and

explain that now.

Well, your father's right, LeBron.

No one needs to give me an explanation.

Now, that's what I like, a woman with class.

If no one's going to tell her, I will.

The reason why Mr. Sanford hasn't slept in four days is because he's trying to

break. the official world record for staying awake.

Well, that's wonderful.

It is, isn't it?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to call you your ugliness. I mean, I thought you was

sister -in -law. Oh, that's all right.

You know, I am impressed.

Well, it's quite an undertaking.

Yes, I'm doing it for my grandchildren.

See, I want them to remember me for something other than Lamont.

Well, I understand what you're trying to say, and I think it's just beautiful.

Mr. Sanford, you're so thoughtful, so kind, so warm,

so loving.

So off you duck!

I didn't write a paper on discipline for nothing, so keep moving!

Can't put that five on top.

How would you like me to put this five on your bottom?

I was only trying to help.

Well, look, Roger, why don't you dribble that ball on the kitchen and get

yourself some record?

All right.

fish -eyed fool.

Well, that certainly was sweet of you, Esther, to deliver such a lovely

Oh, really?

Yeah, it reminds me of something from Western Union.

An ugly gram.

Step back, please. I'm coming.

I'm coming, please.

How do you do? I'm Walter Grayson from the Official Book of World Records.

Is this a Sanford residence?

Yes, it is. I'm Fred G. Sanford, and the G is for grab yourself a seat.

Thank you, but I have a terribly pressing schedule.

What do you mean, schedule?

We say schedule.

Now, I've been informed that you're attempting to break one of our records.

That is correct.

Which one are you after? Most debris in one room.

but to stand up longer than anybody else. Well, we'll see.

Forty -eight more hours is a long time when you haven't slept for a week.

I'll wager your eyelids are feeling very heavy.

Oh, Lord have mercy. Fred, you all right? Yeah, I'm all right. Take your

off me.

I haven't had my tetanus shot yet.

I suppose you're one of the witnesses.

Yes, I'm Miss Esther Anderson.

Better known as Dogface Afternoon.

You got yourself warmed up? Come on over here and let me tell you a little bit

about myself.

You may not believe it, but like most celebrities, I came from an humble

beginning.

My family had the only log cabin in St. Louis.

And I suppose your schedule called for you to walk five miles to school every

day. You mean shool, don't you?

and I walked five miles in shoes, and then swam five miles.

Really, Mr. Sanford? I remember it so well.

At the time, I was sharing a bed with my youngest brother, Jerome.

Then I realized that I could stay up night and day.

You mean, even as a child, you were an insomniac?

No, Jerome was the bedwetter.

Well, I'll get all this down when and if it counts.

I just stopped by to make certain everything was in order. Let me remind

that I could stop by again at any time.

Oh, I can assure you, sir, that Mr. Bexley and I will see to it that Mr.

keeps the rules. Mr. Bexley? Oh, I almost forgot. This is my friend here,

genius that masterminded my climb to the top.

Hey, Bubba, wake up. Come on in.

I can't make it. You can't quit now, Fred.

You only got one more day.

The official book of records doesn't care for second place.

Now suck in that gut.

Straighten that back. And go out there and get this one for the gipper.

You're right, coach.

I don't know what got into me.

Give me some coffee, Bubba. Okay.

Roger, go upstairs and get my radio.

Yeah. Now you're working.

Way to go, Grandpa Fred.

just coming over to help you stay awake.

And I'm glad I did.

I don't know what to do. I just can't keep my eyes open.

Well, I'm going to have to do for you like I do for my students.

What's that?

Start running in place.

And repeat after me.

I will not fall asleep again.

You only got six more minutes, Pop, to break the record.

I can't make it. I know I can't.

Come on here!

Come on here!

And when

I get back to Oakland, all my friends are going to ask me about my visit.

And I'm going to tell them the highlight wasn't the teacher's conference.

It was meeting Fred Sanford.

And now the man of the hour, I should say the man of the final hour, well,

really, the man of the last five minutes, my pop, Fred Sanford.

Thank you, son.

And now that I have the record almost wrapped up, I'd like to propose a toast.

Down the hatch, bottoms up, like I am.

Good health and good night.

Oh,

I want to thank everyone here that made this possible for me, especially you,

Bubba, with your terrible singing.

And for you, Roger.

but driven there for a long time. And choo -choo Rabinowitz did not stand up

longer than she did.

What's the door? That must be Mr. Grayson.

Oh.

I'm coming.

Well, Mr. Sanford, I see you're still awake.

I was certain it was way past your bedtime.

Sorry to disappoint you, but what you see is history in the making. Oh, good.

Come in, Mr. Grayson. Make yourself comfortable.

You know Bubba, my son Lamont.

Hello. Let me take your briefcase. Oh, thank you.

A love game. Oh, isn't that lovely?

I've always been fascinated by signs.

Did you know that the record for the world's largest sign was held by two

ancient Chinese workmen?

Yes, they did it in 407 A .D.

And it stretched from one end of the Great Wall to the other.

And it read, What does that mean?

Wet paint.

That record is currently being challenged by a gentleman from Cleo,

who's attempting to body paint the entire King family.

Well, enough of that about those who've already achieved immortality. Back to

the business at hand, eh? I must confess that when I first met your father, Mr.

Sanford, I didn't think that he was world book material, no. But he

fooled me. Tell me, I wonder what prompted him to go for the record.

Well, you see it all began... No, no, no, no, no. Bubba, Bubba.

Let Pop do his talking for himself, man.

Hey, Pop.

Opa! Hey, Frank, where are you? This is some sort of a practical joke. I

certainly don't appreciate it. I have an appointment with a man who has eaten

nothing but prunes for the past two weeks.

I'm sure you can understand I don't want to keep him waiting.

Well, he must be someplace. He must have stepped out for a minute.

Well, let's see. I came in, gave him my briefcase. He went toward the couch, put

the briefcase on the table, and fell asleep on the floor.

Sorry, but Mr. Sanford missed the record by 43 seconds.

Oh, Fred, how could you do this when we almost had it in the bag?

And just think, I sang 3 ,249 courses of Alexander's Ragtime Band for nothing.

Roger, you can stop dribbling the basketball now.

I don't think I can. I've been dribbling for five straight days.

Just a moment.

Do you mean to tell me that you...

actually sang 3 ,249 choruses of Alexander's ragtime band.

And you've been dribbling a basketball for five straight days.

Oh, I have good news for you. You have both just broken world records.

Just repeat that another 27 ,000 times and give me a call.

Where's your father? I haven't seen him for three

days. Yeah, well, that's because he's been sleeping ever since Bubba and Roger

were inducted into the Book of World Records.

I have to give it to him, though. He did one heck of a try.

Yeah, well, I'm just glad it's over with, and now Pop finally realizes he

doesn't have to break any silly record to impress anybody.

Yeah.

Hi, son.

Hi, Janet. Hi, Dad.

Hey, Pop, how you feeling?

Oh, I feel pretty good, son. I feel better after I come out of the shower.

I'll see you next week.

Next week?

Yeah, I'm breaking another record.

I won't be out of the bathroom for eight days.