Original subtitles

Crime rate up 3%. Robbery up 5%. Burglary up

8%. I don't know what's happening in the world today.

Murder up 15%. This is a holdup!

Listen, how'd you get in here?

Listen, I don't have any money, but I'm babysitting for a 10 -year -old kid. And

you can have him and his lunch money.

Just don't shoot me.

Hi, Grandpa Fred.

Good. I was just playing cowboys and Indians.

Well, that's great. I'll be the Indian chief.

Chief Slappy and Fanny.

Don't you never scare me like that no more.

I'm sorry.

Hey, you want to play checkers or something?

No, I'm going to stay and take a nap.

Hey, but you're supposed to be watching me while Lamont is out with the truck.

Look, son, if you want your mother to marry Lamont, that's okay.

And if you want to stay here while your mother's away, that's okay.

But if you're looking for a kindly old grandfather, turn on the Walters.

But you told me we were going to spend time together.

Have fun.

Yeah, you pretend that you're king in a junkyard and you're buying and selling

your kingdom and you can't... You can start right now.

That sounds neat.

Right. And listen, don't wake me up because if you do, I'll turn into a

witch with a switch and heat up your rear end.

King in a junkyard.

That looks interesting.

How much?

Well, those old medals, about a quarter each.

You got a deal.

Listen, I've got to go to another yard, and I'll come back and pick up the stuff

later, okay?

All right, peasant.

What? Uh, sir.

Say, I heard the door slam. Who was that?

Uh, the king just sold a customer some junk.

I got $10 for that nice lamp with the clock in it. You got $10 for that old

lamp? Now he's gone, Roger. What else?

Well, just these three old war medals. I got rid of them for a quarter each.

Just 25 cents?

Sure. They're little and all bent up.

How would you like to be little and bent up?

25 cents.

A measly quarter.

I mean, how could you? Don't you know I won those medals?

You did?

You heard of World War II, haven't you?

Sure, Lamar says that's you and Aunt Esther.

Sit down over there.

Now, see, this one right here.

Now, this is the okra cluster on a bronze fig leaf.

I got this one for exceptional bravery in the face of danger.

Tell me, what happened?

No, I can't do that.

I'm too modest.

It all began in England in 1940.

Infantry officer, Major Fred G.

Sanford. And a G stands for guts.

Guts. And more guts.

Tough, hard -nosed, eagle -eyed, a combat veteran.

But these secret orders will test his bravery and intelligence to the utmost.

has picked this man to lead a team of thieves, killers, and raving

homicidal maniacs behind German lines on a suicide mission.

Suicide mission? Are you crazy?

Man, I'm not going on no suicide mission.

The future of free men everywhere rests on this man's shoulders.

I'll gladly go on this suicide mission.

And the next...

into occupied France, try to sneak into Nazi headquarters, which is surrounded

by the cream of the German army.

The odds of his survival are a thousand to one.

But Major Sanford doesn't even flinch at these dangers.

And for this reason, he will be known to Allied intelligence

by the code name

Stupid.

Hi, Pop. I'm home.

Yes, hi, Pop. I'm home, sir.

All right.

Give me the rundown on these three men.

And tell the woman to run down to a plastic surgeon.

Well, this first man, this is condemned prisoner number 4077.

Bubba Faith Beckley.

Now, underneath that innocent face is a sick, psychotic criminal mind.

Guard yourself at all times, Major.

Listen, I'm a natural leader of men.

Once I immediately establish goodwill with this killer.

Yeah.

You got the cutest little bow.

I hear you're an expert with explosives.

That's right.

And if you let me take me on this mission, I'll blow your bridges, I'll

your trains, I'll blow your tanks.

And if you catch a cold, I'll get some dynamite and blow your nose.

That's all, soldier.

Well, what's the story on this guy, Lieutenant?

Oh, this is Fingers Rollo, most notorious thief in all of Europe.

nothing he won't steal.

Hey,

what's happening, Major Pops?

That's Major Pops, sir.

Listen, Fingers, are you willing to go on this mission with us?

Hey, man, I'm down for it. I did secret mission, and I know all about this one.

How can you know about this secret mission when I carry the secret orders

my shirt, chained to my armpits?

You want a bit?

Get out of here. Just leave.

What's the story on you?

Are you a weapons expert?

A great pilot?

An electronic wizard?

No, I'm the love interest.

Love interest. That's right.

every time there's a lull in the fighting. Some soldier takes me aside,

in my ear, and tells me how much he'd rather make love than war.

Sorry, but Deputy Dog isn't in this fight.

Listen, buddy.

It's been a long, hard war, and I fought from the sands of Iwo Jima to the

shores of Tripoli.

And the last thing in the world I need is an olive -drab ding -a -ling who

time he opens his mouth, his tongue bayonets his brain.

Well put, foxhole face.

That's all. Who's next?

Well, I apologize for the behavior of these other prisoners.

Now, this next man is due to be executed at dawn, so I'm sure he'll be a little

more cooperative.

Soldier? Yeah!

You know, I got these notches on my knife from spreading crunchy peanut

Watch your mouth. See, I got a black belt in karate, a green belt in judo,

red belt in kung fu.

And a pot at the end of the rainbow.

Are you with me or not?

Would you like to swap out in this prison, or would you like to go and

Nazis? Or would you rather swing on a star?

They're right.

War is hell.

So the die was cast.

After weeks of training, me and my team of experts parachuted into Germany.

On the same commission?

Yeah. That's how I won the second medal, the Iron Pigfoot.

Set in a field of greasy mustard greens.

What did you have to do?

We had to find out the exact location of the V -1 and the V -2 rockets.

First, we had to make contact in a famous German cafe, Brunhilde's

Bungalow in Berlin, on the corner of Baden -Baden and Guten -Guten.

Now, naturally, my face was known all over Europe, so I had to resort to one

my clever disguises.

The winds of March bring forth the old tidings of spring.

What?

The

winds

of March bring forth the old tidings of spring.

Who are you, the weather lady?

That's the password. Now, you've got to give me the counter sign.

Counter sign?

The heat of August brings forth a rash between my legs.

Wrong.

Wrong? Well, how about the frost of December brings forth a freeze

in your BVB?

Listen, never mind that. I got the information on the location of the

Good work, Lieutenant.

Yeah, but we got to get her to our undercover contact here in Berlin.

Now, I've never seen her, but I understand that Broomhilda is the most

woman in all of Germany.

Ladies and gentlemen, guys and gals, all you SS fellas, here she is,

the lovely, the beautiful, the sensational, let us all...

forth your tidings of spring.

The hair on your wig should be brought forth over your face.

Watch it, Major Plucker.

This is good, Hilda.

The only way we can be sure that you're an American is to ask you some

questions. What's the name of the waiter at the Trupper's Cafe in Boston who

works the midnight date shift?

I haven't the faintest idea.

Have her blindfolded and shot at dawn.

Major Fred Sanford and his clever partner,

Lieutenant Dummy.

You mean there's only one of you? Yes, of course.

But we heard the sound of thousands of marching feet.

That's because we Germans are masters of deception.

See these?

It's stereo.

Gentlemen, you are under arrest for some of the most heinous crimes ever

committed against the Reich.

Like what?

Murder, arson, spying, counter -spying, high treason,

and leaving your Volkswagen in the loading zone.

Come with me.

Well, Grandpa Major, were you really captured by the Germans?

That's right, and that's how I got this metal here. The Purple Heart.

Isn't it beautiful?

The Purple Heart.

Don't you get that for being wounded in action?

How true.

See, after we were captured by the enemy, he took us to headquarters and

alone in a room.

I guess they thought they could break us.

Good day, gentlemen.

Don't get up.

Who are you? Allow me to introduce myself.

I am Colonel Hayakawa, Chief of...

Intelligence for the Greater Far East Co -Prosperity Global Loan and Finance

Company. Have a pen.

Say, I'm surprised you speak our language.

Oh, yes, you see, I studied in your country. I went to Vassar.

Vassar?

Vassar's a girls' school.

Now you know what I was studying.

Gentlemen, I am a civilized man.

There's no reason to be afraid. All I want to know is when you are going to

up the bridge over the River Kwai.

River Kwai? I've heard of it. You mean to tell me you never hear that famous

song, Kwai me a river?

Kwai me a river, I kwai the river over you.

I think he must be crazy. Crazy?

You're the unhappiest man on this island.

Island?

Yes, this is Guam, isn't it?

No, you're in Berlin, Germany.

Oh, no wonder I can't find the beach.

the situation is getting very dangerous. The Nazis will be here any minute, and

you and I know the biggest, most carefully guarded secret in all of World

II. And no matter what they do to us, we'll never tell them that John Wayne

is...

I'm

talking about the exact time, place, and date of the Allied invasion of

Normandy. Normandy? Not Guam?

Don't worry, sir.

If the situation gets hopeless...

If the situation gets hopeless,

we can always bite down on the cyanide capsule embedded in our back teeth.

Cyanide capsule? You're kidding.

I thought that was a peppermint jiggly.

Don't worry.

They tell me that death comes swiftly and painlessly.

Yeah, but they don't tell you that death can kill you.

And Sammy Davis Jr.

sends his.

Listen, General, why don't you just give up? Germany has lost the war.

Not yet.

Not if you learn the exact date.

of the Allied invasion.

You want to know the exact date of the Allied invasion?

No way.

Then you shall die.

Well, it's better to die on one's feet than to live on one's knees. Lieutenant!

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a brave man but once.

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. That wasn't bad, but how about Margie does,

and Rosie does, and little Andy does, and little Andy does.

Wouldn't you?

Listen, you American dog.

I have to have that information.

The master race has to live on.

Listen, you Nazi not worse.

You will live with the master race who do what?

My patience is gone.

Listen, don't talk to me with your boot on.

We have other ways of making you talk.

You mean... Exactly.

Nurse Cramer!

Ja, Herr General.

Hold it, hold it. I thought you won't answer.

Fooled you, didn't I, Liebling?

My real name is Helga Cramer, and I am the notorious double agent, the famous

master spy.

And last week in Berlin, I was named Miss Gustav.

How'd you get that?

I bent over backwards.

Prepare the serum, nurse. Yeah. Serum?

Exactly.

Soon you will tell us everything.

We are going to inject you with a truth serum.

Listen, can I just take a couple of ashes and call you in the morning?

Goodbye, America.

Goodbye, Mom's apple pie.

You know Mom made terrible apple pie.

Quick, Major, take your husband to school.

Okay.

Major, you are not dying.

What happened?

I bit my tongue.

You bit your tongue?

Right. And that's how I got the Purple Heart.

for being wounded in action.

That doesn't sound like much.

Oh, yeah? Well, how would you like to spend three weeks in the hospital with a

splint on your tongue?

How did you escape?

Well, see, all of a sudden, I attacked both the guards and tied them up and

grabbed the guns, shot my way out, taking the keys to Hitler's private

flying over the Alps. Wait a minute. Hold it right there. Just hold it right

there. What are you trying to do?

Uh, hello, son.

Roger and I were just having a little talk. Yeah, I heard all about it, Major.

Cyanide, capsules, truth drugs. I'm surprised Roger wasn't hurt.

Hurt? Hit by a flying bull.

Uh, listen, son. Wait a second. Roger, I want to talk to my pops for a minute.

Would you mind going outside and playing for a little while? All right.

Now, just what do you think you're doing telling him stories like that?

I was just trying to teach him something, son. What, how to lie?

Wrong. Teaching him how to survive.

Survive? Yeah, you see, Roger sold those medals for nothing because he thought

they weren't worth nothing. Now he thinks they're valuable.

Grandpa made your friend, Lieutenant Lamont. The man came back for his medals

and lamp. Yeah?

And guess what? I told him the medals were worth $10 a piece instead of a

quarter. He bought them anyway.

Nice going, Roger.

Here's your money for the lamp and $20 for the medals.

$20? What happened to the other $10?

Oh, I couldn't sell the Purple Heart.

You got wounded for this one.

I'm out of $10.

Here, Grandpa Fred.

You know, I think you're the greatest.

You do?

Uh -huh.

Say, listen, you know...

That's the best $10 I never got.

Tell me another story.

Sure. See, look, it was Sunday morning and I was on the battleship Arizona in

Peralta.