Original subtitles

Hey, dummy.

Hey, dummy, you down there?

You calling me, Pop?

You calling me?

No, I ain't calling you. I'm talking to the cop. Ow!

How's your back? Not too good, son.

You think you'll be able to make it tonight?

Don't worry, I'll make it.

Ain't every day a man gets named why he's been this man of the year.

I'm real proud of you, Pop.

Look here.

In honor...

Of 35 years of law and service to the community, the Watts Businessmen's

Association will award you Fred G. Sanford, his traditional glass key, and

dinner in your honor.

You may purchase your ticket for $10 at the door.

Yeah, I ran into Mr. Graham this afternoon, the president of the

and he said it's a sellout. A sellout!

Hey, Lamar, you see my heating pad?

No, I thought you had it last night.

Yeah, I did. I forgot. I was throwing out some TV dinners.

I'll get it.

Listen, if that's one of Gabriel's angels, tell him to come back tomorrow

because I'm too sick to go today.

Oh,

hi, Mama.

How you doing, Lamar? Pretty good.

Good. How you doing, friend?

Terrible. Good.

Well, I just want to wish the man of the year the best of luck tonight.

I guess you're kind of excited, eh, friend?

Yeah, Bubba, I can see it all now.

Me making that triumphal walk around the banquet room with my glass key and

shaking hands with everybody.

Oh, by the way, that key is beautiful.

Where are you going to display it, friend?

I'm not going to display it, Bubba.

That wouldn't be humble.

I'm just going to put it over there in a little dark corner right over there.

Hey, wait a minute, Pop. Why are you going to put it in the corner?

Because I'm going to put a spotlight right above it.

Hey,

take it easy. Now, just take it easy. What is it? Oh, it's my back, son. I

move. Quick, Bubba. Help me get it. Come on. Take it easy.

Easy.

I knew it.

I knew it.

I'm fine as I have arrived, and I'm not going to live past the first five

minutes.

Bubba got an idea.

That means there's still a chance for a miracle.

Yeah, my brother's back used to lock up on him like this. You just got to know

what to do.

Hey, Bubba, I don't think we should fool around with Pop's back. Maybe we should

call a doctor.

Oh, it's so easy.

See, all you got to do is stand behind him and then fold his arms like this

here. Be careful. And then give him an adjustment, watch.

Bubba, Bubba, I'm warning you. Have you heard me? I'm going to sue you for

malpractice of the brain.

on the right spot for it to work.

Oh, thank you. Hey,

come on, Pop. Now, you know what Dr. Garvey said.

Yeah, he said that would be $25, please.

No, he said you should remain inactive and apply a lot of heat. Don't worry.

I'm going to apply a lot of heat. When the bill comes, I'm going to burn it.

Say, listen, I got an idea.

What? Take my hand, take my two hands, and put them together as hard as you

Put them against each other. All right, but I don't know what... They used to

work for my uncle.

Like this? Yeah, that's it.

Okay.

Dear Lord, you don't know me too well, but I'm Elizabeth's husband.

And, you know, I never...

This is no time to get even with me.

Do my eyes deceive me?

Or is this Fred Sampson asking the good Lord for help?

Yeah, but it didn't work.

You walked in.

Now, you listen here. I came here to help you, Fred Sampson.

Now, you tell me where the pain is.

In my eyes, I'm looking at you.

Let me get you here. I got a better idea.

Why don't you just walk on back out the door and relieve all of my agony?

Help me get him up. Help me. Come on.

Up, up, up.

Oh, my back. I'm not going to put this thing. Just get your hands off me. I

don't want that stuff on me.

You're just as stubborn as old jackass.

And you're just as pretty as one.

I know why I'm not wanted. Well, when are you leaving this planet?

Oh, Janet's fine out after. She's visiting her relatives up in Sacramento.

Yeah, why don't you go out to the zoo and visit yours?

Oh, shut up, sucker.

Hey, Pop,

what you going to do there for?

I don't know, son.

I guess I wanted to die happy.

Now, you're not going to die. Would you stop talking like that?

And you're not going to make that promenade around that banquet hall

you don't let somebody help you. Son, I got to make it. That's been my goal for

35 years.

And here, Miss Hopkins.

There you are.

How is the patient?

Oh, Mr.

Sanford, I have just heard the news.

Congratulations. Did I say something wrong? No, no, his back. Oh, his back.

is precisely why I am here. You're back. Yes, indeed.

I had this absolutely marvelous idea. I know how badly you want to go to the

banquet tonight, so I have brought this wonderful man with me. He has traveled

the entire world teaching a whole new concept, procuring the ills of mankind.

You got Henry Kissinger out there?

May I bring him in? Yes, sure, bring him in. Oh, good. You may come in now,

Panjib.

Hey, that's not Henry Kissinger.

That's Golda Mac.

This is Panjabrandapur, under whom I have the honor of studying universal

meditation. It is my honor.

May your inner house soon be free from bodily pain.

Thank you.

And may your outer skirt soon be free from gravy stains.

Universal meditation. That's where you separate the mind from the body, isn't

it? Oh, exactly.

Only we refer to it as the state of transcendental consciousness.

In old days, we used to call that the state of total drunkenness.

Now, pain such as you are suffering is frequently caused by the physical

manifestation of social stress and can therefore be relieved.

By perfect relaxation of the mind.

Well, that is just beautiful. You took the words right out of my mouth.

Well, good.

Now you can take his mouth out of my house.

Hey, Pop, the man is here to help you at least listen to what he has to say.

Okay, okay.

Listen, Left Jab.

If it means picking up my man of the year award tonight, then I'm all yours.

Come on, relax away.

Thank you. May I sit down?

Sure. Have a seat.

Hey, you missed.

No, no. You must sit down on the floor, as I am doing.

Yeah, that floor is cold.

I sure hope you wear some warm drawers.

Now, this is called the lotus position, after the flower of tranquility.

You should try it, Mr. Sandberg. Just take this leg.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold it. Hold it.

Are you having trouble with your flower of tranquility?

No, I'm having trouble with my fruit of the loom.

Now then, the next step is to free the mind of all conscious thought. Now this

we do by picking a word to chant to ourselves.

Uh, what kind of word?

Well, a word that best symbolizes your inner state of mind.

I got it.

Ouch!

Take another word, Mr. Sanford.

I'll take another word.

Yes. Ouch!

I cannot. You are stepping on my skirt.

Oh.

I think perhaps we'd better go now, Panjib. I'm awfully sorry, Mr.

Sanford. We did... What are you doing, Park?

What's the matter? May the river of your age...

soon spend itself out and disport you on the sands of eternal well -being.

And may the muddy water of the Mississippi run off your tires and out

mahal.

Hey, Pop, just take it easy. Now, why don't you just try and sit down? I

sit. I can't see. My lap is locked.

Well, what are you going to do now?

I don't know, son.

If I don't get to that dinner, I'll just soon be dead.

Now you're talking like a child. What do you expect from somebody four feet

tall?

Just relax. I'll get it.

Hello? Oh, hi, Archie.

No, Pop's the same. We tried everything.

No, we didn't try that.

Thanks a lot, Archie.

You know, Pop, that was Archie. You know what he said we should try? Something

we never thought of.

Huh? Acupuncture.

Acupuncture? You mean with all them little needles sticking in you?

Yeah. I think we should try everything, including acupuncture. Now, acupuncture

is a well -respected old Chinese cure.

Oh, that's all I needed to know.

But then you come in?

As soon as I get old Chinese disease, dummy.

Take it easy, Pop. Take it easy.

Watch it. Watch it. Take it easy.

Wait a minute, son.

Wait a minute. Huh? I just remembered.

I got to go visit a sick friend across town.

Who? Me. Bye.

Wait a minute, Pop. Now, you got an appointment for an acupuncture

and you're going to keep it.

This is something that you don't understand. Do you want to pick up that

tonight and promenade around the room?

Yeah, but see, it's something about needles that I can't stand.

Pop, everybody has that same fear.

Not like me, son.

Like, I used to have to leave the room every time my mother used to come in the

room with her knitting.

That's right. I was the only kid that threw up.

when they played pin the tail on the donkey.

Will you stop it?

And last week, I was down at the bus station, and I couldn't even watch that

arrow that pointed to the men's room.

And now look at you, my own son, trying to get me shish kebabs.

Well, Pop, now just relax. Now come over here and try to sit down, okay? Now

just relax. Now relax and try to sit down. Take it easy. Okay?

The honest has told me that Reverend Spike comes over here all the time for

arthritis. Yeah.

And you don't mind getting all them holes punched in his body? No, he says

doesn't hurt at all. No kidding.

That's why he got that holier -than -thou look, huh?

Mr. Sandman?

Over here, doctor.

Please, don't get up.

What do you mean, don't get up? Yeah, I'm already up.

Dr. Tillis, would you please explain the procedure involved in acupuncture so my

pop won't be so frightened?

You see, your body contains certain key points that control pain.

Now, what I intend to do is to manipulate those key points by inserting

into your body.

Doc, I'm beginning to feel better now.

I think I'll go home and take a couple of thumbtacks and go to bed.

Please, please, please, Mr.

Sandberg. At least let me give you an examination, after which you can decide

for yourself whether or not you want to proceed.

Now, how's that, Pop? Is that fair enough or what?

That's it. I just made up my mind.

See you later, Doc. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

No, listen now. Mr. Stanford, please.

That is a patient we are yet to treat.

Now, once we treat him with our needles, you won't hear a sound out of him.

What are you going to do, sew his mouth up?

Thank you.

Thank you.

You're standing up straight.

Look

at

that.

Good as new.

Hey, you'll be able to go to that dinner and promenade around the room.

This is most remarkable.

A total body acupuncture cure.

That's right, Doc.

And by a cactus, not you.

I suggest you acupuncture your bill.

I don't understand.

Stick it.

And now, to the purpose for which we came tonight.

Hey, this is it, Pop. The Glass Key Award.

Yeah, look at that thing.

It's beautiful, and it's crystal, and it's...

As you know, we have gathered here to pay tribute to this year's man of the

year, our own Fred Sanford.

And as is our custom, we have asked each honored

guest on the desk to say a few words about this very special man.

Beginning with the newest member of the Watts community,

Mrs. May Hopkins.

Tonight,

we have come to freeze Fred Sanford, not to bury him.

Now, the vote was close, I must say.

I salute you, Fred Sanford.

And if I may say in the vernacular of the ghetto...

One of Mr. Sanford's longtime friends, a man who might himself deserve the once

businessman of the year award, except he's been out of work for 12 years, Mr.

Grady Wilson.

Let me say that I'm proud to

be Fred Sanford's friend.

Look at him.

I know it's hard if you've just eaten.

at his profession.

I love it when Grady tells it like it is.

When you think of Fred Sanford, you think of junk.

You ain't never lying.

I'll never forget the first time, the first time I met Fred Sanford.

I was down on my luck, and I asked him to loan me $2.

And he did, without...

And to this very day has never asked me for that $2 back.

Yes, sir.

Well, tonight, I'd like to give him that $2 back.

Thanks, baby.

Now, Fred, will you please release my mother?

And now, another good friend, Mr.

Thank you and good evening.

I think I can honestly say that I'm the man of the year's best friend.

Now you know what kind of year I'm having.

But seriously, folks, speaking of World War II,

Fred was the first in this neighborhood to volunteer.

He volunteered me, Grady, and Esther.

And Esther was the only one who passed the physical.

If Bubba don't sit down soon, I'm going to have second thoughts about what to do

with that glass key.

In closing, I'd like to take a moment to be serious.

The man that we are here to honor tonight is one of the greatest guys

A man who doesn't know the meaning of the word... disloyalty.

A man who doesn't know the meaning of the word anger.

A man who doesn't know the meaning of the word neglect.

But a man who has earned this honor tonight, despite the fact he doesn't

the meaning of too many words.

Congratulations and good luck.

Mrs.

Esther.

I know the meaning of gorilla.

Lord only knows I've had my differences with Fred

Sanford. But tonight is a happy occasion.

So rather than speak on his bad point, I'll just dwell on his good point.

And now, the son of the man of the year, Lamar Sanford.

I'm not very good at public speaking, Pop.

That's okay, sir.

You don't speak too good in private, either.

So, I'll just say that you've been my man of the year every year of my life.

Hey, isn't that nice?

The moment we've all been waiting for. You can say that again.

The presentation of the award to our man of the year, who will take the award

and walk around with it, shaking hands with all of his friends.

Bring it in, sir, please. Right here.

Thank you.

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

This is a glass key that I was supposed to walk around with. I can't carry it.

It's heavy. Wrong, Fred. Look.

used for second place from now on.

First place is this first annual Otto J. Cratchaw Memorial Trophy. Go on, Fred.

Take the traditional acceptance walk.

Yeah, go ahead, Fred.

Yeah, you know, Pop, wait a minute, Pop. I think I should help you carry that.

Oh, come on, Lamont. Let your father have his moment of glory.

Yeah, you tell him. I mean, this is my moment of glory.

And I waited 35 years to make this walk. Right, right.

I'm going to make it alone.

All right.

Hey,

how's your back feeling, Pop?

A little bit better, son.

You made the soup? Yeah, I got it right here. Is it nice and hot?

Yeah. Give it here.

Good evening.

Yeah.

You know, Pop, you never did tell me how you hurt your back in the first place.

I know I never told you, son, but I think you're old enough to know now.

You see, when I was a young man in St. Louis, I was quite the ladies' man.

In fact, they...

Used to call me Rudolph Vasolino.

I think that's Valentino.

Yeah, him too.

Well, anyway, one Saturday night, I took this girl, Rosalind Wilson, to the

movies. It was dark and romantic.

After a while, I made my move.

Then she made her move.

Then I made my move.

Then she made her move.

Then I made my last big move.

And that's how you hurt your back, making your last big move?

No, I hurt my back when she made her last big move and threw me out the