Original subtitles

Let me enjoy a cup of coffee.

Hello, buddy.

Hello, Elroy. What can I do for you?

Fred, I need a date.

I don't play that.

Fred, this is serious.

I need to find a lady for a moving and storage men's party next Saturday.

Don't you know any moving ladies?

All the ladies I know can't move at all.

Matter of fact, they should be kept in cold storage.

Let me look here at my classified directory.

Of the Sanford Staples.

Sanford Staples.

Guaranteed to haunt us around, too.

Yeah?

Yeah, here's one good one, then.

Teresa Logan.

I took out one.

You did? I mean, she was... You know what I mean? Yeah, I know.

Built like a brick shipyard.

Hello, hello, Teresa, honey.

Fred Sanford here.

Yes. Say, a friend of mine needs a date for Saturday night.

What's he look like?

Well, he's a lot like me.

Teresa?

Hello?

Teresa!

I was disconnected.

I think you were scratched.

Oh, don't eat pie.

See there? Yeah? What's the disconnect?

I know it. Hello, Teresa?

Who? Who is this?

Janet? Oh, you're calling about your date with Lamont Saturday night.

Say, listen, Janet, would you be interested in a double date?

Yeah, I'd like to get a friend of yours for a friend of Lamont's.

Uh -huh.

His name is Elroy, and he looks a lot like Lamont, except around the face.

I'll put him on, Janet.

Here you go, Elroy.

Janet, give me the phone.

Hello, Janet?

Oh, 9 o 'clock instead of 8. Okay.

Yeah, I'm sorry that happened. Just forget about it.

What's the matter with you, Pop?

He was doing it for me, Lamont. You see, I need a date for next Saturday.

Why don't you call up one of those escort services?

Escort service? Yeah, they got escort services for people like yourself who

a date but don't know anybody.

Oh, yeah? They'll give you a date for the entire evening. Hmm.

See, Roy, Lamont knows everything.

Yeah. I'm proud of you, dummy.

Say, listen.

Uh, how much they charge for getting someone a date? Two, three dollars?

No, I think it's more like 15 or 20. 20 bucks?

Hey, look, Elroy.

For 20 bucks, I'll put on a formal gown and a tiara, and you can take me to the

party and bring me back home, and I'll smack your face for trying to get fresh.

This is it right here. See, Gramercy, the escort service.

Fred, I don't think we should go through with this. What do you mean?

You're not only going to have a date for Saturday night, but you're going to get

paid for it, and so will I.

Is this Mr. Carman?

This is Mrs. Willis of the Gramercy Escort Service.

Well, you're to meet Miss Nolan at the party at 8 o 'clock. Yes, and it's black

tie. I'm in trouble, Fred.

I don't have a black tie.

You got black pink?

Yeah. Well, I'll make you a black tie.

But Lamar said these escort places only hire certain kind of men.

I'm that kind of man. Oh, yeah?

Fog. Debonair.

What is he doing?

That's my friend banging his slob into this debonair.

Can I get you something?

Yes, indeed.

Sanford's the name.

Escorting is my game.

Does President Ford need a personality?

You really want to be an escort?

Lady, we'll escort anything without a mustache.

Now, when do we report?

Well, actually, I don't think that you're what I'm looking for.

I don't think you're what anyone's looking for.

I'll have you know we'd be perfect escorts. Oh, do you dance?

Yes. Can you waltz? Certainly.

Good. Then why don't the two of you waltz on out of here?

Listen, why can't we be escorts?

Oh, I'm sorry. I should explain.

You can't be escorts because you simply don't have the experience.

We've got experience.

My name is Fred G. Sanchez. You know what the G is for?

What? Gigolo.

And my friend here, Elroy.

His nickname is Big Hand Little Hand. Big Hand Little Hand?

Yes, service around the clock.

Marvelous. And I think I'm running out of time for both of you.

Oh, don't worry about that. If you ever need more time, look at a clock. It'll

stop.

Mr. Sanford, I don't find you the least bit amusing.

And I'm afraid that neither of you fulfill our requirement.

Good day.

Wait a minute. What requirement?

Well, here. See for yourself.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

They are well read.

Oh, well, I read all the time. Are you familiar with ladies' home junk and

housing garbage?

The majority of our escorts are professional men.

Now, there. You're not a professional man, are you, Mr. Stanford?

That's Dr. Stanford.

My bag's in the truck, isn't it? Yeah.

If you're a doctor, then I'm an airline pilot.

I can believe that.

I can believe that by the excess baggage in your tail section.

I think you had better leave.

Let's go, Fred.

No, no.

Not until she gets us a planned date. Are you kidding?

My clients wouldn't be seen in public with you.

That doesn't matter to me.

I'll take them to the junkyard and dance with them.

Mr. Sanford, if I hired you as an escort, I'd become the

laughing stock.

Okay. Well, I'll return to my junkyard and you return to your stockyard.

How'd it go at the escort service, Pop?

The lady wasn't interested.

I'm true.

The man I was isn't.

See, the women that want Don Juan, Don Juan mean.

Pop, I don't know what that woman said to you, but... She said I look

in this suit.

Now, your mother loved this suit.

I bought it for my brother.

Pop, Mom loved everything about you.

Yeah. Your mother had taste.

And if Mom were alive today, she'd still feel the same way about you, Pop. I

mean, the things that turned Mom on to you, you didn't lose.

You really mean that, Lamar? Sure I do.

You hear that, Elizabeth?

I'm good enough for you, honey.

I'm good enough for anybody.

And I'll prove it.

Prove what?

That I still got what it takes to take what they got.

You see, son, you're looking at the president of Los Angeles' newest escort

service.

Look, Pop, just hold on a second. Now, you don't have to prove anything to

anybody. Why don't you just forget about it? Forget it? I'll forget about it

just as soon as I put them Ramsey escort service out of business.

We'll show them, Lamont. What do you mean, we?

We, Hutch, Elroy, and yours truly.

And you can be in it, too. See, you can head up our...

Swinging singles division.

Just leave me out of this. Think it over, son.

Think. Fred and Lamont Stats, president and vice president of our own

escort service, titled Sexy and Son.

There's escort service and our junkyard.

Oh, you saw my ad in the Los Angeles Sentinel.

Yes, indeed.

Uh -huh.

We've got escorts. You can come take your pick. Give them a chance and

flick your dick.

All right.

Saturday night.

Saturday night for the opera.

Pagliacci.

Pagliacci.

hadn't stopped ringing, son.

Watch it, dear.

Elroy's winning.

Hi, Fred. Hi, Lamont.

Did you get any calls, Fred?

Plenty of them.

And there's a lady coming in today, and she likes what she sees. We're in

business. It's the dad that did it. Well, what's he have to say?

It's not what it says, Lamont. It's the picture, see?

They shouldn't have done this, man. This is false and misleading advertising.

I prefer to think of it as insurance.

Insurance? Yeah.

You see, the ladies will take one look at your picture and they'll say, I want

piece of that rock.

Okay, and what's going to happen when they finally see you?

I just want them to start calling, that's all. Once they meet me, my own

charm and animal magnetism will take over.

Well, what about Elroy and me?

Do we have animal magnetism, too?

Certainly. But if the wind is right, nobody will notice.

I'll see you later.

If you'll excuse us, I have to instruct my escort on the art of being a top

escorter.

Such as?

Such as table manners.

Now, suppose a client and yourself are in a restaurant.

What's the first thing you do when you come to the table?

Grab the tip.

Oh, you pull out the chair for your lady.

That's right.

Then suppose she asks you for some change. Change for what?

To tip the attendant when she goes to powder her nose.

How much are you supposed to give her?

How big is her nose?

That must be the lady that called earlier this afternoon.

Oh, good evening.

Um, I must have the wrong address. I was looking for the escort service.

This is it.

But this is a junk shop.

Antiques, my dear.

Antiques. Do come in.

You told me on the phone that you were from out of town.

Yes, I'm here for the coiffure convention.

Coiffure.

I work with hair.

That's perfect. All of our escorts like to be tedious.

Yes. Look, perhaps I won't be needing an escort service after all. No, wait a

minute, wait a minute. At least just look us over. Hey, Papa, I was on a

That's him. Huh? That's him.

Oh, he's not available.

But that's the one I expected to meet.

Good. You just met him. Now forget him, because he has split ends.

But he's young and handsome.

Are you busy tomorrow night?

I'm sorry, but I'm not a part of their organization.

Take me, honey. I get blue chips there.

If you change your mind, call me.

Marlene Williams. I'm at the Beverly Central Hotel.

Hey, Pop, I told you to shut up. Don't talk to me. I just made a fool out of

myself because of you. Because of me? Yeah.

You the one who told me I still had it.

Well, Pop, this young lady obviously wasn't interested in a mature man such

yourself. But there are a lot of women that are.

He's right, Fred.

I know a lot of elderly widows would be glad to go out with us. Yeah, Fred, and

those widows are rich.

And they tip big.

They do? Yeah.

Well, look, Hutch.

Why don't you call us up a bunch, and we'll take them out. Right. Wait a

Look at this good feeling.

The Three Musketeers. The Three Musketeers may be up in years, but one

got, we still hot to chop.

You look like something that was kicked out of El Segundo.

Thank you, son. Yeah, but you don't look like anything like the picture in this

ad. What are you talking about? You told me to... What are you talking about?

You told me to use my own face, and I did.

Yeah, but that's the only thing that's your own. Whose body is this?

Mine.

When's the last time you saw me undressed?

Yesterday.

Well, this morning I did 20 push -ups.

Yeah, I shape up fast.

Disappointed again. Not this time. Not this time. We in full swing.

We got three days confirmed for the night.

Man, Hutch just told me the good news, kid.

Yeah, we in business. Yeah.

You can do what you want to do, Pop, but just don't say I didn't warn you, okay?

Now, we're meeting the ladies at the Continental Restaurant at 7 o 'clock.

Right. I'm looking forward to it. How much money are we going to make, Fred?

Well, the way I see it, it'll be $15 for the night, and if they like us,

$15 more a night. Hey, that's $30 each.

How do you figure that?

15 and 15 comes to 30.

Yeah, but when 15 and 15 comes to 30...

Ten and ten comes to Freddy.

How come you get so much? Because the whole idea was mine, and I got expenses.

Well, I got expenses, too.

New shoes, new shirt, new can of Right Guard.

Okay. How much are you willing to give me? Nothing. I want the whole $15.

Me, too, Fred.

Well, I'll tell you what. I'll give you five.

No way, Fred. All or nothing.

Fifteen. Five.

Fifteen. Six.

Fifteen. Seven.

Fifteen.

Eight, and that's my last one. Come on.

What about the ladies? They count on all three of us to be there. Well, let them

count all they want to.

Until you count to 15, cut us out.

How do you do?

Uh, my dear, my name is Fred G. Sanford. Don't get up.

Oh, my, Mr.

Sanford. Your face is just like it looked in the air.

but your body failed to develop.

No, see, I'm wearing a bulletproof suit.

See, what may appear to be fat is all lead.

Now, you order some appetizers and I go to the washroom and I rush back as soon

as I get the lead out.

How about that 15 in front?

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Thank you so much.

Let me get your hand back.

Your goodness hasn't reached your hand yet.

Hello, hello, hello.

Good morning.

You must be Maxine.

Yes, I'm Maxine.

You must be Frenchy. Oui, that's me.

Frenchy Sanford.

At your service.

Hey, Frenchy.

in France.

I am French born and I am French bread.

With my French bread, I make the French toast.

Touche, may you live long to pay me my 15 bucks.

Thank you.

Please order your appetizer and I shall return as soon as I come from the room

of the wash. Okay, Frenchie.

Buenas noches.

Buenas knows where the wild goose goes.

Oh, are you saying you're pissed?

Si. Do you have any pesos while we're on the subject?

Like $15 worth. And then we'll get down to the Spanish love.

Here you are.

Now, if you want to dazzle me with Spanish words of love, I'm ready to be

dazzled. Oh, I've been perhaps...

You would like to hear the sound of the ocean.

Oh, I love that, Barry.

Oh, great. I'm going to the washroom, and I'll leave the door open for you.

Huh?

Son, I feel like I'm gonna... What?

Pop.

What happened?

Oh, I just ate three lamb chops, four enchiladas, duck under oranges, and a

bowl of menudo.

Really? Yeah.

Son, I never watched so many times in my life.

I entertained three women in three accidents, ate three meals, made $45,

too sick to spend the money.

You go about things all wrong, man. Would you put on a pot of coffee,

At this hour?

Sure. I'll find out that it's cheaper to eat in restaurants and then have coffee

at home.

Uh, ladies?

All right.

Ladies?

Here he is.

Hey,

Pop, I got a new suit.

You like it?

I bought it with the 45 bucks I made from the escort service. Why do you need

new suit?

Well, this morning I got a call from the Gramercy Escort Service.

I guess they recognize talent when they see it.

Because they got a date for me and I'm going to get paid for it.

Well, I'm happy about that, but what's your plans?

Well, son, you know, with women, See, women are flexible.

It's necessary to be flexible with them. See, I plan to play it by ear.

If I play it by ear long enough, I may work my way around to the lips.

Now, Miss Willis, here I am, ready, willing, and able.

Well, two out of three isn't bad.

All right, Miss Willis, we'd better get on with it. Tell me about my date,

because, you see, I'm very particular about who I'm seeing with.

I'm sure the two of you will get along beautifully.

Now, here's your escort fee.

Uh -huh.

And here are your driving instructions to the house in Beverly Hills.

Beverly Hills?

That's right. Just ring the bell and ask for Lola Falana.

Lola Volano.