Original subtitles

How do I look, Pop?

You look great, son.

And you must feel cool.

Why? Your fly is open.

How's your whiplash, pal? Oh, it's a little better.

Yeah, well, maybe tonight when you go to the drive -in movie, you'll watch the

movie like you're supposed to instead of looking in other people's cars.

Okay, son.

But the place looks nice, man. Thanks for cleaning it up. Right. And in honor

meeting your new girlfriend, I didn't sweep the trash up under the rug like I

usually do.

Good. Yeah, just don't open the closet door.

Sit down, son.

You got a few minutes, ain't you?

Yeah. Sit down. I think it's time for us to have a little talk.

I think you old enough.

I think I'm old enough, too.

There are men and there are women.

Pop.

Hold it. And there are birds and there are bees.

Is this going to be one of those conversations about the facts of life?

Yes. Will you tell me about the birds and the bees? No. I want you to tell me

about the birds and the bees.

Because I ain't been stung in years.

Okay, Pop. What's on your mind?

Well, this girl is on my mind. Now, tell me about her.

Well, there isn't that much to tell.

What do you mean, not much to tell? Look, son, you got a girlfriend, and

been going to her every single day this month.

And you mean to tell me you got nothing to say about her? You're serious about

her, ain't you? Yeah, I'm very serious.

Well, but you haven't told me a thing about her. I know, Papa. See, I...

son, now let's get one thing clear.

I don't want to interfere.

Last thing I want to do is be a nosy, prying parent.

Great. Wait a minute.

All I want to know is her name and address and place of birth and

she's done in the past ten years.

Okay, well, I know this is going to sound a little strange to you, Pop, but

don't know any more about Janet than you do.

You're kidding.

No. She doesn't talk about herself much, and I don't feel it's my place to ask.

Well, I don't think it's your place to ask either, so I'll ask.

I'm going to tell you one time and one time only, Pop.

Janet means a lot to me, and if you interfere in our relationship, I'll

forgive you.

Okay, that's Janet now. Remember what I said, Pop. Just say hello, goodbye, and

leave it at that, okay?

Oh, goodbye, leave it.

Hi, Janet.

Uh,

Pop, I want you to meet Janet Lawson.

Janet, this is my father, Fred Sanford.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Sanford. Yeah, I'll just say hello and leave it at

Look, we better be going, Janet, if we want to get to Memory Lane.

Okay, here, you drive. Nice meeting you, Mr. Sanford. Goodbye.

I'll just say goodbye and leave it at that.

Now, remember what I said, Pop.

Stay out of this, okay?

Stay out of it. Stay out of it.

Can I answer the phone?

You must have the wrong... Janet who?

Oh, Janet.

Sorry, buddy. She just left. Right.

Bye.

Uh -oh.

Hi, Fred.

I'll just say... I'll just say hello, Bubba, and leave it at that.

Bubba, I'm really worried.

Me too.

We better leave here now if we want to get to the drive -in movie and time to

park in the first row.

Bubba, forget that.

Forget it?

Fred, the last time we had a partner back and watching the other couple's

necking not only got you that whiplash, you fogged up the windshield and we only

seen half of the picture.

Bubba, I'm worried about Lamont.

Yeah, why?

Because, see, he's been dating this same girl for a month and I think he's in

love with her.

Hey, that's great, Fred.

But why are you worried?

See, the problem is that Lamont doesn't know anything about this girl because

she won't tell him.

Oh, I see. And as the concerned father, you're worried that Lamont may be taken

in by this silent and mysterious woman, right?

Exactly. You do understand, Bubba, don't you?

Sure I know, man. Look, I saw the same problem on a late movie last night.

You see, George Pappard was in love with Audrey Hepburn.

And the concerned father was played by that great athlete, uh...

Charles Lawton, who played Hunchback for Notre Dame.

Mother, when you talk, don't use your mouth.

Well, anyway, Fred, Audrey Hepburn said to Charles Lawton, Daddy, oh, Daddy,

I love him. Please don't interfere with my life.

But the father...

suspected that something was suspicious about her boyfriend, until a stranger

called on the phone.

Hello?

I'm a stranger.

Is Audrey Hepburn there?

Bubba, that just happened right here a minute ago.

No kidding.

A stranger called here for Audrey Hepburn?

No, Bubba. Some guy called for Lamont's girlfriend.

Now, what am I going to do?

Well, look, Fred, I'm really worried for my son, but I promised him I'd stay out

of this.

Well, look, why don't you do what the father did in the movie?

He promised not to interfere, so he hired a private detective to find out

his daughter's boyfriend.

He hired a private detective?

Yeah. And then what happened?

I don't know.

You don't know?

No.

You see, that's when I had to go into the kitchen and wash the butter off my

face.

I dozed off and my head fell in the popcorn bowl.

Well, that'll do it.

Bubba, I just can't mention Lamont's personal life. If I do, he'll never

to me again.

Whatever you say, Fred.

But remember, it's a hard, cruel world out there.

And Lamont is just a small, innocent fish in a sea of sharks.

I'll get it.

Okay.

Is this the Stanford residence?

Uh, yeah, right.

Is Janet Lawson here?

Well, no.

She went out with my son.

Okay, do me a favor, buddy.

You tell your son I'm looking for him.

You got that?

Huh? You tell your son I'm looking for him. Oh, yes.

So long.

Hey, Bubba. What?

You might be just a little fish in a sea of sharks, but that was Jaws.

Yoo -hoo!

Come in.

Oh!

Morning, Bubba.

Morning, Bubba.

Have a little sit -down, Amos. Oh, thanks.

I can't stay long, but I'm just so pleased that you asked me over for a

chit -chat.

Help yourself to some tea. Oh, yes, yes. Thank you. Lovely.

Yeah, you can keep the bag if you want to.

You're too kind.

Well, listen, how are things with your son, Hoppy? Oh, he is just wonderful,

wonderful. He's such a fine police officer, such a fine... He did, however,

one minor setback last week.

Setback? He was at the policeman's picnic, and Chief Davis came up to him

asked him if he was enjoying himself, and Howard said, oh, I'm having a gay

time, and he has to dress at home now. You see, they won't allow him to...

How are things on your job?

You're a... A store detective, yes.

Yeah, really? A detective?

Yes. Oh, what a coincidence.

Coincidence? What? Yes, you see...

I have a friend who has a little problem, and maybe you could help me

that you're a detective by coincidence.

Yes, well, what is the nature of the problem?

Well... The nature, yes. Well, my friend has this

girl that he's been having nature with.

Yes. But the girl won't tell him anything about herself.

Sounds as though she might have some...

in her closet.

Yes. And I don't want my friend to become one of them.

Well, Mr. Sanford, I think this girl's background should definitely be

investigated. Oh, how true.

Uh, how may I ask?

Yes.

Well, uh, my technique would be to enter her home posing as a, a, uh, a poll

taker, let's say. Ask a few questions and then, then Mr. Sanford, observe.

Observe what?

Well, the way she wears her hat, the way she sips her tea, the memory

of all that.

No, no, they can't take that away from me. I wish they could.

Well, I guess I'd better be off. Yes, you are, Lolo.

Mr. Sanford, if your friend decides to investigate, he must have, of course, a

sidekick. A sidekick? Oh, yes, indeed. All the great crime fighters had

sidekicks. I mean, Sherlock Holmes has his Watson.

Starsky has his Hutch.

Even Ellery had his Queen.

Not funny, Mr. Sanford. I'll bet you this. When you were a detective, you had

sidekick, too, didn't you?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I did.

I know.

I can see he kicked you in the side of your face.

And you probably never will.

Hello,

Lamar.

How's my favorite nephew?

Just fine.

Where's my father? Beautiful son, beautiful day, beautiful sister -in

We're just having a little chat in the kitchen there, son. Getting to know each

other better.

You feeling okay, pal?

Oh, your pop's fine.

He's just bending his ways.

Well, it's about time.

Well, I gotta go.

Hey, listen, son. You going to visit that girl again tonight?

Well, I might go out with Janet later. You know, but right now I gotta make

deliveries. I'll see you later. Okay, son.

I'll see you. I'll be here with my lovely... Go ahead on, Fred. Go ahead

Back off, Esther. Back off.

Back off, you're turning the cream in my coffee.

But Fred.

Esther, don't misunderstand, please. See, I had to make a street talk to you

Lamont wouldn't know that you were my sidekick.

Well, I'm still not so sure that we should interfere in Lamont's personal

affairs. Esther, I told you, it's for his own good. We have to protect him.

if you want my help, you're going to have to be nice to me. Okay, I

I need you in this case, Esther. You're going to be my right hand.

And my left hand. All right, Fred. Now, there's just one thing I have to do

before we start.

What? Find me some gloves.

I'm coming.

Good evening.

Are you Janet Lawson?

Yes. Well, we're here from the census taker's office.

Census taker's? Yes.

And we'd like to ask you a few questions, if you don't mind.

Oh, I don't mind.

Well, my name is Amber Esteson, and this is my assistant.

My assistant.

I'm the falcon.

Peter Falken.

His nickname is Old Dumbo.

That's Columbo.

Excuse me. Why are we all so dense?

Yeah.

Uh, Z, now, we have a few important questions to ask.

My, you have a lovely place. I admire your taste. Oh, thank you. I got most of

it at Beckman's on set. Now, these questions... Beckman's? Oh, I shop there

the time. Now, these questions... I just love these specials for you. Question

number one is...

I'm always picking up a bargain. How would you like to be picking your teeth

off the ground?

As I was saying, madam, I think you'll find these questions very impersonal and

easy to answer with a simple yes or no.

Fine, go ahead.

Well, have you ever been arrested? And if so, when, where, and how much time do

you spend in the big house, including escape attempts, yes or no?

What kind of a question is that?

Well, I would give it an A -.

Is this a census poll?

Oh, you'll have to look over my assistant. He gets carried away

ask the questions from now on. Now, are you married, dear?

No, I'm divorced.

Aha. Now we're getting somewhere.

I have met someone awfully nice, though.

Oh, really?

His name is Lamont, and he's warm and intelligent and handsome.

Probably takes after his father.

You know, I think so.

You do? I only met Mr. Sanford once, but I have the feeling that he's a pretty

good guy.

You think so?

Oh, he's kind of a grouch on the outside, but I'll bet that underneath is

warm, loving person.

That's why I love his son.

Now for my next question. Esther, forget about the next question. Look, come on.

I want you to go on home, Esther, by yourself.

See, you'll be safe because this is big time to someone ugly weak.

I'll explain it to you.

Look here, honey.

Mr. Sanford!

I'm sorry, Janet, but see, you wouldn't tell Lamont anything about yourself, and

I didn't want him to get hurt, and I had to know.

Well, I'm sorry too, Mr.

Sanford, and I guess I deserve it, and you do have a right to know.

Mr. Sanford, the reason I didn't tell Lamont anything about myself was because

was afraid if he knew, he wouldn't like me anymore.

What do you mean he wouldn't like you? You're nice, and you're pretty, and you

recognize handsome sons and fathers when you see them.

I'm divorced, I have a child, I work as a waitress in a bar, and I have a

brother that's an ex -fries fighter.

I think I met your brother.

And Noel Lamont's never been married.

And, well, I thought he wouldn't want to date a woman with the background and

problems that I have.

Listen, Janet, may I call you Janet? Sure.

Well, look, there's nothing wrong with being divorced or having children.

Personally, some of the finest women I ever drooled over worked in bars.

But, Mr. Stanford... And as for the prize fighters, you just saw my sister

-law answer with the codified face.

What about Lamont?

How will he feel?

Look, I know my son. I can handle him.

You think so?

I know so. See, I think Lamont's lucky that you like him, Janet. He's lucky you

care about him.

You're a nice guy, Peter Falken.

Just call me Pete.

I love you, Pete.

Uh, repeat.

I love you, Pete.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, Pop.

Where you been, man? I was looking for you a while ago.

Oh, I've been here and there, just enjoying myself.

Yeah? Yeah. You seem like you're in a good mood.

I am. I feel great.

I'll see you later. I'm going over to Janet's. However, I got a friend who has

big, big problem.

A friend?

Yeah. See, he's an acquaintance of mine. See, this guy has a girlfriend that

he's crazy about.

Go on. But this girlfriend won't tell him anything about herself.

I see.

So, this guy's father...

wants the best for his son.

A friend is me, a father is you, right?

Well, it isn't Bing and Bill Cosby.

So long, Pop. Wait, son. Don't you want to hear the rest of it? I know what

you're going to say, man. You found out some little small thing about Janet, and

now you think she's not good enough for me. Wrong.

I found out one big thing about her.

Maybe you're not good enough for her.

She loves you.

Really?

Lamont.

I'm going to tell you the truth. I think she's the greatest.

Hey, man, I don't know what to say, Pop.

Yeah, well, just go on over there and have a good time.

Yeah, right. And listen.

Huh? When you get over there, make sure that you say hello to her son for me.

Her son?

She's got a son?

Yeah.

She got custody after the divorce.

Divorce? She's been married?

Yeah, but she supports herself because she works in a bar.

She works in a bar?

At night.

Works in a bar at night, has her kids, been married?

I don't know if I want to go see a woman like that, Pop.

What do you mean?

Your brain's been divorced from your body a long time.

Well, you know what, Pop?

I'm glad you interfered this time, man, because I could have made a big mistake.

Right, son.

Because Janet, she's terrific.

I mean, take my word for it. Now, go on over there.

I don't know, Pop. Go. Wait a minute. I don't know, man, because she's got a lot

of problems.

Son, take it from me now.

If you don't tell her that you love her, she's going to have a big problem.

What?

Kissing a boyfriend with a fist stuck in his mouth.

But I don't know if I should go. Pop, I don't know if I should go.

Will you go?

Lamont, come on in.

May I have a kiss?

First, I want to tell you, I've got something to tell you, Janet, something

been wanting to say for a while.

Oh? Yeah.

It worked.

Oh, really?

Yeah, it worked. He fell for it like a charm, man. It worked.

Hey, where's David?

He's in the kitchen.

Hey, David!

Shh, you'll wake up my son.

I heard about it.

Hey, and this calls for a celebration.

Hey, you know, at first, I really didn't think your plan would work. Well, see,

I knew it would work. Now, if I had just told Pop everything about Janet, he

would have carried on something awful.

So you let him find out for himself?

Right. I let him meet you on his own terms, and he was going to meddle

but this way he got a chance to meet you on his own terms.

Well, I still think it was pretty sneaky of you.

Sending David over there to scare your father.

Maybe, but I got the feeling that the old man could handle himself pretty

So, you know, I think this calls for a toast. Yep, calls for a toast.

To Fred G. Stanford.

The G stands for a great father and maybe a great father and... Go slow,

baby. Go slow.

What's up?

Hey, Pop.

You waited up for me. I think that's nice. Right, son. I fell asleep right

the monster movie.

Oh, yeah? What was the movie called?

It was called Gork, East New York, and gets the thank you note from President

Ford.

Listen, son.

Why don't you sit down and tell me what happened with Janet?

You really want to know?

Of course I want to know. I'm concerned.

I care about you, son. I want you to be happy.

Well... I think things are going to be all right between Janet and I, Pop. Hey,

that's great. You know, she's terrific.

Yeah, you know, you were right about her, Pop.

I'm always right.

I mean, so what if she has a child?

Sure, children are great.

She's still nice to spend time with. Spend all the time you want. Yeah. So

if she works in a bar?

Bars are fun.

So what if she's been married?

I've been married, and I'm okay.

You sure are, Pop.

Yeah, and so you'll keep on going out with her, huh?

More than that, Pop.

More than what?

Well, Janet and I might be getting engaged.

What? Yeah. See, you got to get engaged before you get married.

Married?

Are you crazy?

Why do you want to get involved with a girl like that?

She's divorced. She has a child. She works in a bar. She's short. I don't

the way she wears a hat.

Right, Janet.

Yeah, tomorrow at 8.

I miss you, too, honey. Every second that I'm away from you seems like a

I can't wait until tomorrow.

Bye -bye, my little sweetiekins.

Dinner's ready.

Hey, I appreciate you not teasing me about what you just heard, Pop.

Right. And thanks for cooking dinner.

Well, that's the least I can do to see that my little dummykins had some

yummikins to put in his tummykins.