Original subtitles

Well, Pop, I'm all ready to go fishing, man.

That's great, son. Mexico, one week.

Great. With Rallo.

You know, Rallo can catch anything.

I know it. I've seen some of the girls he goes out with.

What you gonna be doing while I'm gone, Pop?

Well, I've figured out a schedule here for every day of the week.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm just glad you're not gonna pull that old heart attack

routine on me.

Let me take a look at that, Pop.

Okay, Monday, join the lonely old men's club.

Tuesday, call the hospital and send for ambulance.

Wednesday, pull the old heart attack routine.

I'm going to tell you something, Pop. I'm not going to go for it, man, because

haven't had a vacation in a long time, and I'm not going to let you ruin this

one for me.

You're right, son.

I mean, you've been working hard, and you deserve some time off.

I mean that.

Well, what you gonna do while I'm gone? To keep yourself busy, I mean. What do

you mean, keep myself busy?

Well, I really don't expect you to make any money on the business while I'm

gone.

What? You don't expect me to make any money while you're gone?

How do you... Where do you think I got all this stuff from? The Good Fairy?

Okay, I'll tell you what. I'll bet you $20 that while I'm gone, you don't make

one cent profit on this business.

I won't make any profit. Are you kidding?

Listen, I am the Big Biz Whiz of Watts.

You're the Big Biz Whiz of Watts, huh? Allow me to introduce myself.

J. Paul Ghetto.

So it's a bet?

20 bucks.

Bet to you.

everything will be in order as soon as you cross the border.

Hey, man, it's cool. It just goes at one end, out the other.

That's because you ain't got nothing in your head to slow it down.

Hey, come on, Ronald. Let's go, man.

Yeah, bon voyage, Pop.

So long, Pop.

And bone garbage to you.

Just like that.

Well, I can make money fast.

All I have to do is, uh, is, uh, and then I'll, uh,

and after I finish doing, before I do anything, I'll watch some TV.

I got it.

Fred G. Santos.

G must be Virginia.

L .A. time?

Let me speak to L .A.

Hello, L .A.? This is Fred Sanford. Yeah, I want to put another ad in the

about a room.

Yeah, manly furnished room for rent.

Separate and equal toilet privileges.

On a clear day, you can see the window.

One week only, 20 bucks.

Huh?

No, no, no, it's not for Sanford Arms.

I'll give you a clue.

When you want yourself some extra money, rent out the room that belongs to your

sonny.

It's been on from May to December, and the

day... One plan to pump new life... New. ...in the freeway system.

New.

News.

May I come in? Sure, come on in.

Let's see.

Hello?

What?

Oh, about the room.

Well, yeah, yeah.

You're a trucker, and you want the room for one night.

Well, keep on trucking.

He bet me that I wouldn't make no money while he was in Mexico.

You know, so I'm going to rent his room out.

Oh, honey, now is that fair?

Fair?

Twenty bucks a week?

Let's see, where were we?

Oh, yeah.

Hey,

see there?

Between the chin and the nose is where the lips go.

going to interrupt us.

Why?

Uh, how are the both of you?

Um, are you, uh, Fred G. Sanford? Yeah, and the G is not for gynecologists.

Uh, where's your husband?

Oh, he's, well... Fred, invite the young lady in.

Uh, come in.

to rent you the room in your condition why not well you know i i hate surprise

packages and look like she's gonna come unwrapped sit down

honey thank you what's your name luella oh luella that's the pretty name when's

your baby due in about six weeks oh see fred you've got nothing to worry about

what if the baby ain't got no calendar please honey just one week oh

she needs and you're a kind, kind man.

Okay, kindly, take the first room on the left. Oh, thank you, Mr. Sanford. No, I

don't want that. Don't do that to me.

All right, Bubba, you want to pay Scrabble, go and move.

Oh, don't rush me, Fred.

Well, why'd you go and give up?

No, Fred.

Hey, looks like I got something here.

Yeah, let me see here.

It's got a seven -letter word.

Wow, a 50 -point word.

And I win the game.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, brother.

Ain't no such word as gazenta.

Sure there is.

Now, wait a minute. I told you, I ain't tell you no more. There is no such word

as gazenta.

There is so.

It's an arithmetic word.

Gazenta?

Sure. Two gazenta four.

I made some dessert for you. Oh, good.

Get that phone for me.

Hello?

Oh, yeah.

Long distance from Mexico.

Uh -oh.

Uh, hello?

Who was that girl that just answered the phone? I can't understand.

It must be a bad connection.

Well, there's no bad connection. I know a bad connection when I hear it.

Listen, honey, would you connect me with my son? There must be some trouble

here. Would you stop it now? A girl answered the phone. There's a girl in

house with you, and I would like to know who it is.

Son, it ain't no girl.

It's, uh, it's Bubba.

Welcome, sweetheart.

Dessert will be ready in just a second.

You know, Fred, Luella's a nice person.

She is nice. You know, for the last three days, she's been fixing my food

scrubbing the floors and the windows and everything.

What? Yeah, but, Fred, she's going to deliver a baby.

Well, what she does in her spare time, I ain't got nothing to do with that.

Chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts.

And a married Chinese sherry.

Oh, wow.

Yup, it's got all that in it, plus it's got one of my favorites in it.

Well, I think I'm going to bed now. Good night.

Good night. Good night, Lola. Thanks.

Hey, she does have one of her favorites in it.

Huh? What?

You want my pickle?

Emergency, give me the police, please.

There's about to be a breakout.

Come in, come in.

Yeah, send them over to 92.

Wow, that sure was fast.

Yeah, no bonus notches, Mr. Sanford.

Listen, I was just cruising by in my cruiser, and I thought it unusual that

lights were burning this late at night, so... Yeah, Hoppy, I'm in big trouble.

Luella. Oh, how do you do, Luella?

Officer Hopkins, LAPD.

Our motto, protect and serve.

But I see it's too late to protect.

How can I serve you?

She's going to have a baby any minute. We've got to get her to the hospital.

mean now she's going to have... Yeah, let's get her to the hospital. Well,

again, into the breach, dear friends. No, I didn't mean that.

Do you have a bag? something that you'd like to... Here, let me just move that

chair. Here it is.

Golly, Luella, I can't tell you how thrilled I am to be part of this. If

make you feel any better, I am specially trained to deliver a child should the

emergency arise. And since the emergency has arisen, I want you to know that I'm

going to react to this in just the way I was prepared to do.

wheelchair. Oh, yes, there it is.

Sir,

that chair is to take the lady into the delivery room.

Okay, well, just give me my instructions.

Here, let's get right in there.

Here, take this. Don't mash the baby.

Okay, well.

Now, Mr. Sanford, I've got to get back to my beat now, so I'll just leave you

handle everything here, and I will handle everything out there.

Sir, would you come over here, please?

What? There are some forms I'd like you to fill out.

I just brought you a form here. It took nine months to fill out.

Your name, please?

Fred G.

Sanford. G is for goodbye.

Mr. Sanford, what is your relationship to the patient?

I didn't touch that woman.

You mean you're not the husband?

No, there is no husband. Bye.

Mr. Sanford, I have to ask some questions when a woman comes to us out

wedlock. I don't get a woman came out of El Segundo.

Don't look at me.

Now, I have the patient listed here as Luella Evans.

Do you know what the name of the father is?

Chickened out.

Listen, buddy.

I've had a long, hard day.

I've seen broken bones, bruises, contusions, and fractures.

And the last thing I need is a cranky old man who ought to sue Mother Nature

malpractice of the mouth.

I don't need none of your lip, Mrs.

Florence Knight and Buzzard.

I mean, I didn't ask to be here.

I'm not surprised. You're probably not asked to go anywhere.

Wait a minute.

Didn't I see you on TV in Medical Story?

Didn't you play a bedpan?

it in your mouth.

Have a cigar.

Take two.

Not really, man.

Is your wife really having a baby at your age?

No, see, it's not my wife. It's just a girl that's living with me. You're

kidding.

You sly old buzzard, you.

Wait a minute. You got me wrong. Let me explain to you, see. Mr.

Shineford.

Would you step over here?

for the Evans baby.

I ain't acting for no baby.

Let him watch TV like all the rest of the kids.

Since the real father is missing, I have to give you a lesson in how to change

the baby.

Into what?

Observe. Pick up the diaper.

Stretch it.

Pick the child up.

Set her in the center. A little powder.

Pull through.

Turn this down.

Now. Pick up the tape and press.

And pick up the tape on this side and press.

Now, you try it.

All right.

Jump up on the table.

in any right mind.

Change that baby.

What are you doing?

Take off and put the baby in the center and power it. Mr. Sanford.

Mr. Sanford.

And then that's what he's done.

Take the baby and put it in the time.

No. Take off. Take off the tape.

Congratulations, Mr. Sanford. It's a baby boy.

keep your voice down, Robert. It's 3 o 'clock in the morning, and besides that,

I'm a little upset about what happened. Hey, man, I'm sorry.

I want to tell you, man, my idea of a double date is not a girl for you and

mother for me.

You get the hot tamale, and I get the chili dog.

What was that?

I don't know. I thought...

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Not too much noise.

What are you doing?

I'm testing this.

Ow!

Pop, what are you doing down here in the middle of the night with a baby bottle?

Son, if I told you, you ain't gonna believe me.

I'll tell you. See, this afternoon at exactly a quarter after four, Bubba

started his second childhood.

You're right, I don't believe you.

Well, I can't lie to you, son.

It's the baby in the house.

No kidding.

Yeah, I can explain it, though. It's my fault, but I can explain it. Lamont.

You mean to tell me you and Donna had a baby?

I don't believe it. Come on, Lamont. Listen, we have something to tell you.

Don't tell me. Tell the Guinness Book of Records.

Lamont. While you were away, your father rented your room to a young lady, and

she had a baby. Oh, thank you.

She had a baby in my room? No, son.

She didn't have a baby in the room. She had a baby at the hospital.

they're going to be here?

Uh, not long. How long?

Until the baby graduates from high school.

I'll get it.

Is this the Sanford resident?

Yeah. I'm Don Evans, Luella's husband.

Oh, Mr. Invisible Man.

The hospital told me she was staying here. Where is she? She's upstairs,

room to the left.

Congratulations, Pop.

Congratulations what? You've reached the bottom, man.

Not only did you rent my room without asking my permission, but you rented it

a girl for one week when you know she needed longer than that.

And now that I'm back home, what's the poor girl gonna do?

You don't care about anything, Pop. You don't care about nothing.

I do care, son. I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, well, I... Mr. Sanford, I owe you my gratitude.

Oh, you don't mean nothing.

Yes, I do.

You see, last week, Luella and I had a terrible argument.

And I let her leave the house without stopping her.

I was just stupid.

If it weren't for you, I hate to think what might have happened to her. Well,

what did he do? He took your $20.

Oh, Lamar, I think you ought to know that your father went with Luella to the

hospital in the middle of the night, stayed with her until the baby was born,

visited her, and brought her home again without knowing when or if her husband

would show up.

Well, she deserved it. I mean, I thought she was renting a room here.

Mr. Sanford, thanks for everything.

Luella and I are going to leave now. I love you, Mr. Sanford. I don't like that

stuff.

Hey,

just a moment.

I almost forgot.

My $20. Hey, Pop, I don't think you should... Now, you keep out of this.

I'll have this myself.

Here you go. Yeah, thank you very much.

You see, son, I did make a profit while I was in Mexico, so you lose your bet.

Hey, here.

Here's something for the baby.

Come on, come on, take it, take it.

Son, you mind paying the bed all night? It'll be my pleasure, Pop. All right,

then.

There you go.

And here's something from my son for the baby. Yeah.

Buy something nice for him.

Thank you both.

Goodbye now. Hey, Pop, here's something else.

Now, wait a minute, son. You're matching my cigar.

Here.

Have a cigar. All right.

Donna, have a cigar.

Ah, what the hell.

Hi,

Lamont. Oh, hi, Donna.

Hey, look at this. I got a telegram from Luanna and Don Evans naming Pop the

godfather of their baby. How about that?

Isn't that wonderful?

Say, does Fred know he's the godfather?