Original subtitles

Hey, Pop!

Come in here, son.

Hey, Pop, is lunch ready?

Yeah, you're going to love it.

I got a recipe from the cavort and connoisseur.

It is right here. You're going to love it, I told you.

What is it? What you want it to be.

Somebody else's lunch?

Good evening, Topkin. Oh, oh.

Well, good afternoon,

Lamont, Mr. Sanford. I just dropped over to bar... Oh, I see you have been

watching the cavorting connoisseur yesterday.

It's an old southern recipe, Louisiana quiche. The connoisseur calls it

Louisiana quiche.

But I'd call it Oklahoma crud.

That's crude.

Crude crud, ain't it?

Well, I'm having a little get -together this week for some of the ladies in the

neighborhood. Oh, at the Sanford Arms? Yes, correct.

Yes, it's sort of a get -to -know -your -minority party.

I wonder if I might borrow a bowl for my potato chips. Oh, sure. I got one right

here. Oh, good.

There you go.

How about that? That's fine.

Time for my bathtub is backing up again. Now, what do you suggest?

I suggest you get in it, take it out of reverse, and drive it off the cliff.

Well, I never tried you like it.

I can sit down and have

your lunch.

You expect me to eat that?

It could be worse. How?

You could expect me to eat it.

I'll grab myself a fat burger after the next delivery.

You know, I'll tell you something, Bob. No, wait a second.

One day, I'm going to come in this house, and you're going to fix a decent

for me.

Is that today's mail?

Yeah, that's today's mail. I sorted it already.

Yeah.

These... These go to you, and these go to me.

And this one goes in the filing cabinet.

Goodbye, Bill.

Oh, wow, it came, Pop.

I've been waiting for this for weeks, man. I've been accepted.

Accepted? Oh, the adoption papers. Somebody's going to dig you on my hands.

No, Pop, well, you remember Lee Ginsberg, he came down to the Y a few

and he saw me in one of my acting classes, and he said I was terrific,

yeah? Yeah, and he's accepting me in his workshop.

Listen, it's an honor to study with Lee Ginsberg, Pop.

I mean, he's a fabulous teacher, and besides that, he developed an entirely

method of acting.

Let's see that.

Tuition, $200.

He developed an entire new method of robbery.

Hey, the class starts next Wednesday. I hope I have enough money saved.

Listen, now, wait a minute. Now, remember, that money in there, that's my

in there for the work that I did.

I know, Pop, and you deserve a fair share for the work you do around here.

tell me something.

Here's a dime.

$168, $169, $170.

I'm $30 short, but I think I can have the money by next Wednesday.

Well, listen, son, why don't you forget about this old Ginsburg guy? I can teach

you more about acting than he can.

Oh, sure you can. Sure I can.

Give me that money.

Hey, would you give me my money back?

Listen, see there? I got you acting like a guy who just lost $170.

Now, look, Pop, I just want to tell you, I know this doesn't mean anything to

you, and $200 is an awful lot of money, but this is very important to me, Pop,

and I hope you understand.

Listen, Lamont, you're my son. I do understand.

Good.

Thanks a lot, Pop.

And I can't wait to see you starring in your first movie. Yeah.

Deep Dummy.

Oh, hi, Hutch. Hi, Lamont. See you later, Pop.

off of smell.

It's a recipe I got from the cavortin connoisseur. Like to have some?

I don't think so. I think you burned it.

Well, put some solar cane on it. You won't know the difference.

Hey, that reminds me. The cavortin connoisseur is on now.

And that's it for today's edition of the cavortin connoisseur.

We missed it.

I do hope you enjoyed the show, especially Mrs.

Waterford's household hit, How to Make Sour Cream in Your Own Home.

You don't know how to... to make a soft drink in your own home, you get some

stem milk and hold it up in front of Edson's face.

Goodbye, everybody. See you next time.

See you till morning.

Don't touch that dial.

How would you like to make some easy money?

Easy money?

He's reading our minds, Fred.

Simply call 555 -9191, and our representative will come out and show

this do -all food chopper can improve your lot in life.

Yeah, I got a lot to improve.

No obligation.

Call now and learn how you, too, can earn easy money.

Oh, that Andy. That guy's crazy.

Ain't no such thing as easy money. Oh, I wouldn't say that, Fred. You know, my

cousin became one of those whopper chopper salesmen, and he made over $400.

$400. In only 10 days.

$400 in 10 days? That's $40 a day.

I haven't seen that kind of money since... Since, uh... Since...

I ain't never seen that kind of money.

What'd you say that number was? Hey, wait a minute, Fred. Now, my cousin is a

great salesman. I don't think you can do as good as he could. I can tell

anything to anybody at any time.

me a hundred whopper choppers at a dollar 75 a piece that's 175

dollars and i sell them for 675 and that makes my profit

missing 432 divided by 81

goes into 792 over

yeah okay okay

Fred Sanford? Yes, I am. Good to see you. My name is Danny Taylor, and I'm

Whopper Chopper representative.

And I'm here to tell you, da -da -da -da -da -da, a Whopper Chopper man is hard

to beat. He looks a hundred fur from head to feet. He's got a smile, a style,

winning weight. No matter where you go, you'll recognize the men you see. Now,

there's some men I'd like to know. He's got that good old...

Well, just sign here, Mr. Sanford.

Sure. This must be your paper to declare you legally insane.

No, sir, Mr. Sanford. See, those are just the contracts. See, I'm going to

you a rich man.

Well, guess what I want to hear about.

Sit down.

Well, thank you very much, sir. Thank you.

Not in my seat. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. A rich, rich, R -I -C -H,

rich man.

Hey, let me make you comfortable.

Sit right there.

Thank you.

Well, here she is, Mr. Sanford, the Whopper Chopper.

She dices, slices, minces, chops and grates.

She's the wonder of the century.

She's sleek.

She's streamlined.

And she's inexpensive.

And she's free Friday night.

Cute. Cute, Mr. Sanford. Well, look, I got the rest of your Whopper Choppers in

my car. I'll just stack them up out back.

Now, let me see. That's 100 Whopper Choppers at $1 .75 apiece. That's 175

smackaroos. Well, as soon as I sell 100 Whopper Choppers for $6 .75 apiece, I'll

give you your $175.

I'm Mr. Sanford. You see, my policy is COD, cash on delivery.

Well, now that's a good policy, but try my policy.

H .I .D.

H .I .D.? Yeah, have it in December.

I'm sorry, Mr. Sanford, I guess we just can't do business.

Let's just see. Hey, wait a minute.

Ralph, you know what? I'll just have to sell these to Mr. Lewis across town.

Let me see. This is his fourth order. Fourth order? Right.

He's already made $1 ,600 selling Whopper Choppers, and you could too,

Well, if you don't have the money... Wait a minute. I said I didn't have the

money. Here, take the contract.

I got the money. It's my son's money. See, it's my money. He wants to remove

And I'm going to have to remove it.

Well, Mr.

Sanford, just remember, it takes money to make money.

Well, let me think a second.

I thought... Hey, look out there.

Should I or shouldn't I?

I'm, uh, waiting, uh, Mr. Sanford. Oh, give me a minute. I'm trying to decide.

He'll kill me.

He'll kill me not.

He'll kill me.

He'll kill me not. Uh, I'm talking about, uh, $1 ,600, Mr. Sanford.

He'll kill me, but I'll die rich.

Here's the money.

Thanks, sir. Here's your wallet, Chubbison. Mr. Sanford, thank you very

the money. Believe me, you won't regret it.

Uh -huh.

Hey, Pop, who's that dude?

What's in the box?

What box?

Oh, in the box.

Fa -la -la -la -la, la -la -la -la.

It's your Christmas present. And don't open it up till 25th of December.

Whopper choppers?

A television commercial?

Pop, you didn't. No, I swear I didn't. And take my life for it.

You gave that dude... my tuition money for those whopper choppers. You stole my

money. Don't say that. I mean, when I sell the whopper choppers, I'll give you

your money back and I'll have enough money to give you that 30 bucks extra

need. But it's stealing, Pop.

No, it ain't. It's stealing with interest.

Banks do it all the time.

You stole my money, man. You know how much that acting class meant to me.

Well, I'll get it back. Pop, if I don't have that money by Wednesday, man, I'm

splitting. I'm leaving.

Oh, son, don't say that. I mean, that's all I've done for you. Well, stop doing

things for me, man. How come every time you do something ridiculous, it's for

me? It's never for you.

If I don't get that money, Pop, you will have messed up a great opportunity for

me, and I'm not going to let you do it anymore.

What? I didn't know that the acting class meant more to you than your old

father, who's been taking care of you for 35 years with all the writers.

Don't you understand, Pop? It's not just an acting lesson.

This is the last straw, man. If I let you get away with this, there's no

what you'll do next. Wait a minute, son. Be real. Be real.

Oh, shut up. If Lamont leaves, I'll die.

I'll die.

What am I going to do?

Freddy's life's gone down the drain.

God pulled out the stopper.

Stole money from my only son for these lousy waffle choppers.

Do you really think you're going to sell some of those waffle choppers at the

party? Well, I better, because I only got two days to get Lamont's money back.

You said you could sell anything just by turning on the charm.

Yeah, and I'd turn on the charm, and the people would turn on their sprinklers.

You mean you didn't even sell one Whopper Chopper?

Not one.

Well, you better move fast if you don't want Lamont to move out.

Yeah. Well, I don't want him to move out. He might be a dummy, but he's the

dummy I got.

That must be the guest now. I'll get it. See you later, Fred.

Okay.

together. Well, make yourself at home. Sit down. My door's always open. Thank

you so much. Oh, hello, Janet.

How's your husband? Oh, he's fine.

Hey, how long you been married now?

Three weeks.

Three weeks.

Well, I've been doggone. I remember when I was married three weeks, I said to my

son, Lamont.

Oh,

Mr. Samford, you are a caution, and I might add a very, very

gracious host.

Not only a gracious host, but I'm supplying the free entertainment.

Oh, splendid. How interesting.

Yes. Well, what... Hey, what's with you?

What's with you? Why are you crying?

See this again in your life. You will be amazed.

Now this is an onion.

Amazing.

I want you to notice there's nothing up my sleeve.

Here's the hat. And there's nothing in the hat.

So forget the hat.

Here's what I want to talk about. The Whopper Chopper.

Here it is, ladies.

I want you to look at this Whopper Chopper. This little gadget you can have

the low, low price of $6 .75.

You just take an onion and drop it right in there like this. And all you have to

do is turn the half. And you grab it. Wait a minute. Are you all right?

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Oh, my God.

Oh, my goodness. You need a safety catch. Mine has a safety catch on it.

You got one of these?

Oh, yes, indeed. We all have one, you see.

Mrs. Miller had a Whopper Chopper party last week. We all bought one.

You mean none of you ladies are going to buy Whopper Chopper?

What has that to do with the party? Come.

Let us get on with the magic.

Oh, you want magic?

Yes. All right. Now is my disappearing trick.

Can you really make yourself disappear?

Not me.

You.

Your cavorting connoisseur has done it again.

Duck a l 'orange.

Smells positively scrumptious.

Isn't it gorgeous?

Hey, this must be the place here.

And you know what? There's a dead duck in this building.

I know what you're doing.

Listen, Hutch, I got to get rid of these wopper choppers. This is my last

resort. That's all this time. Where am I going up in the crowd where everybody

is? In the audience. In the audience.

Excuse me.

Put me down.

lucky people in the audience to join me in this marvelous repulse.

But right now, let's take time out for a commercial message.

Mr.

Commissar. Hi, Danny. How are you? Great. Couldn't be better. Hey, I just

to tell you what a pleasure it is to be running our commercials on your program.

Whopper chopper sales have tripled.

Happy to help. Hey, listen, it's awful early. I'll see you later.

Talk to you later. Right.

And we're back.

Well, who's going to be my dining companion today?

Fred G. Sanford. And if you got any, the G is for gravy.

Nice to meet you, Fred.

I take it you like duck.

I can take it or leave it.

It's from a baby.

Your baby?

Little Lamont.

Doc, I'll arrange for an infant, Mr. Sanford. Should he be eating baby food?

Yes, well, you don't think I'd take a drumstick and shove it down his throat,

you?

His food has to be chopped and sliced and diced. And that's why I'm here.

Pureed. Pureed. I love a pureed.

Look at here, folks, for the low, low price. It smashes, it slices, it dices,

does everything in the home. All you have to do is just turn the handle

Wait a minute now.

Hey,

Fred, let me help you.

Hold it.

Hold it.

You're ruining my company's image. Stop the tape. Stop the tape.

Keep rolling. Keep rolling. I love it. I love it. My audience will love it, too.

Wait a minute. You can't show this on TV.

I'll be the lobbying stock of the chopper. industry. Hey, throw this guy

here. Mr. Samford, I'm warning you.

Warn this.

Warn this. All right then, Mr. Samford. Okay, look. All right, look.

I'm begging you then. I'm begging you. Look, just don't sign the release.

Release? Yes.

I mean, how are we going to show this on television? They can't do it without

your consent.

I'm signing. They didn't give me long until I get my money back for these

whopper choppers. Oh, no. Okay.

I'll tell you what, Mr. Samford. I'll buy them all.

$175 for what? Oh, for what? For your 100 Whopper Choppers. Now, just a

Now, you're a businessman.

Now, you know I paid $175 for those Whopper Choppers, and I can't sell them

the same price. Ain't no profit in that.

All right, how much more?

Well, see, there's overhead.

Overhead? What overhead?

Well, onions, a torn shirt sleeve.

Knuckles, that's $200.

$200?

All right, $200, but you've got to give me your word that you'll never sell

another Whopper Chopper ever.

That's $5 more.

$5 just for your word? My word started $5 apiece.

All right, that's $200.

And $5 for your word.

Here's my word.

What are you watching that for? That's the 15th time you've seen that movie.

Son, that movie is a classic.

Now, if you could stay home and watch movies like that, you wouldn't have to

to that old dumb acting class.

You don't just learn acting by watching movies. You have to practice.

I've learned a lot in those classes, Pop. Look, here.

Now, you read this, and I'll show you exactly what I mean. Now, you be Father

Callahan. Go ahead.

Father Callahan.

This is Father Callahan, killer.

You haven't got a chance.

You're surrounded, Miss Hunter.

Come out with your hands up. Ooh, you dirty rat.

You'll never take me alive.

You're the guys that gave you to my brother, and I'm going to give it to

I'm coming out blasting. This one's for you, kid.

What do you think, Pop?

I can't believe that a guy that never had acting lessons before in his life

could be that good. All right.

I loved it.

I was terrific.

Let me do it with you again.

Come on.

Now listen, you dirty rat. No, no, more teeth, more teeth. I know how to do

this.

Moodle me the world.