Original subtitles

Hey, son. Breakfast.

Just a minute, Pop.

That'll be too long.

I'm cooking my science fiction special.

What's the science fiction special?

Incredible shrinking sausage.

Hey, Pop.

There it is.

Take a look at that. That means we're now official members of the Watts

Association. How about that, huh?

How about that? It should be a little lower.

That's low enough.

What'd you do that for? We already belong to an association.

United Junk Men of America.

There's no such thing. You just made that up.

No, I ain't. I get letters every month. What letters?

It's give to the UJA.

I send them a check every year.

Pop, the UJA stands for the United Jewish Appeal.

That's why all the receipts were signed by Sammy Davis Jr.

Listen, the sticker stays up, man. And besides, I've already agreed to help the

association choose Miss Watts' business wife. I'm one of the judges.

Miss Watts' what?

Business wife. It's a promotional thing for the association, and all the local

businessmen's wives are eligible.

Sort of like a Miss America contest. Yeah. See, the contestants are picked

talent and poise and beauty, and the winner gets $1 ,000.

A thousand dollars. That's right.

I'll be back in a minute. Where you going?

I'm going up here and shave my leg and live with some pantyhose.

I mean it, son. We can fool them.

I'll get two of them shots in my silicone.

I'll get that.

Hello, Fred.

Hello, Woody.

Goodbye, Woody.

See, right, Pop, apologize.

I apologize. There's something to do in your face.

Well, that's better.

How you doing?

How you been?

Fred, now, I wish you wouldn't do that.

What'd I do?

Fred was just having a little fun, dear. Come on in. Did he hit your nose?

Try and be a little nice to Arnett. I mean, after all, she is Mom's sister,

know? Well, gang, as on behalf of Elizabeth, please sit down and feel at

Thank you.

And as on behalf of Elizabeth, would you care for something to eat?

Oh, I wouldn't mind a little snack.

Well, son, go in the kitchen and fix your art as a fish head sandwich.

Because when I'm chosen Mrs. Watts' business wife, your insulting days are

to be over. I didn't know that you entered in that contest.

I didn't only enter into it, I'm going to win it.

Right, Woodruff?

Yeah, right, right. Wrong.

That's the first place you can enter that contest because you're not

See, one of the things you have to be is a part of a certain race.

What race?

Human.

Just like I tell you, forget about that. Bow out. Keep yourself from being

embarrassed.

Why should I be embarrassed?

I got everything it takes to win that contest.

When I was born, my body was blessed by Mother Nature, honey.

And as you got older, it was...

discuss with Lamont.

Well, I'll go and do some shopping.

Goodbye, dear.

Oh, you call me dear?

Why should I call you dear? You look like Bambi's father.

You old weasel -eyed heathen.

Hey, Woody. Hi. Where are you? Let us talk you into that contest.

Was it the $1 ,000 Yeah, see, she want to give her half of it to the church.

You know, but besides that, it's for my business. You know, publicity.

Publicity? Yeah, see, now if Esther wins, they'll take pictures of her in

of my hardware store. And she'll be in all the papers.

See, now that's why I got to talk to Lamont.

Where's Arnester?

She had to leave.

Say, listen, Lamont, there's something I want to ask you. Oh, I'm sorry, Uncle

Woody. Liquor's over there on the cabinet.

It's not about whiskey.

You see, you're a judge in this contest, you see. Now, if you could vote for

your Arnesta. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Arnesta's a contestant? I didn't know that.

Yeah, yeah. Seeing as she's your favorite aunt and all that. Wait a

can't stick around and talk to you. I got to go to the association.

For what? Well.

Now that I know Aunt Esther's one of the contestants, I don't think it's fair

for me to be a judge. So I'm going to go over there and tell the committee and

leave it up to them. I'll see you later.

That's it.

He was my only hope.

Listen, all you got to do is enlist Esther in the Navy, and that way you can

have her face buried at sea.

Now, come on, Fred. I'm not kidding. I need help.

The liquor's over there.

Now, you know that I quit drinking, Fred.

You see, I need help.

Well, you came to the wrong place. My name is Fred Sanford, not Henry Higgins.

Henry who?

Henry Higgins. You know that movie that was on TV the other night, My Fair Lady?

Yeah. Yeah, well, Henry Higgins, he's the guy that took that girl out the

and changed her from a sow's ear to a silk purse.

You think he could do that to Esther?

A sow's ear is one thing, and a sow's...

Well,

you know, I sure wish I could find me somebody like him.

You know, I'd give anything to get that publicity.

You can forget about it, because there ain't nothing.

Did you say you'd give anything?

Well, almost anything.

Well, that's close enough.

You're going to get your publicity, and it's only going to cost you $500.

$500. Yeah, you're part of the prize money. You give it to me.

Now, you're not thinking of... Listen, if Henry Higgins can do it, so can Reddy

Freddy. I'll mold her.

I'll change her from a creeping caterpillar into a blossoming butterfly.

Yeah, now, that all sounds very exciting, Fred, but do you really think

do it? For $500, I can turn you Gibbons into a meatloaf freak.

The Joanna Rhodes beauty book.

You're a stairway to a beautiful you.

A stairway?

Yes, we're going to need an elevator.

Hey, Pop, I see Aunt Esther didn't get here yet, huh? Yeah, I'm expecting her

a minute, son.

Look, now, when Aunt Esther gets here, Pop, just try and play it a little cool,

you know, because Uncle Woody talked her into letting you help her, and I think

you should give her encouragement, you know, build up her confidence.

Listen, son, and what you should do is be giving me a little confidence, too.

No, because after all, you know, you're an... Save it, Pop. In the first place,

I don't even know if I'm going to be a judge because the committee is still

deciding on that. And in the second place, I'm not going to show any special

consideration for an Esther. That would be nepotism.

It would not.

Esther, you're on, ain't she? Yeah.

Then it would make it nepotism.

Pop, if I did what you're asking me to do, I wouldn't be able to look myself in

the face.

You wouldn't be missing nothing.

Look, it's not as if Anastas is going to be competing with high fashion models

or cover girls or anything. I mean, she's going to be competing with her own

peers.

Her peers?

Yes. You mean Godzilla's in the contest?

I'll get it. Now, just remember what I told you, okay?

Oh, hi, Anastas. Come on in.

Yeah, look, I got to go down to the association.

You two have fun.

Ha!

Fun. Fun with you.

I wouldn't have came over here with a wood drawer that's big.

Now, come on, and let's get started.

That's the main thing.

Now, look.

This is what Joanna Rose says.

By applying my beauty secrets, even the plainest woman can be turned into an

Aphrodite.

You ain't turning me.

We only got five more days. A lot of stuff we got to do here. Look at all

here. Wardrobe, boys.

Look at that walking, sitting, makeup, posture.

What's wrong with my posture?

It's full of prune pits.

posture cannot be achieved without perfect posture alignment.

See, you know what happens when you don't have perfect alignment?

What? Your tires go bald and your rear end shakes.

Watch me, see.

Here's what it says. A graceful walk should have as little unnecessary motion

possible. Oh. See, chin in and level like this.

See? And then tummy pull in and up.

You got a choice. Either you put this paint on or I put a headlight in your

and drive you through Earl's Shire.

Say, Esther, will you come on down? We'll be late.

I'm just zipping my dress up. Well, zip it up and come on down.

And when you come down, act like you're serious. Put everything you got into it.

Bring your head back.

Don't try to get your head here before the rest of your body get here.

That's it.

All right.

That's good. That's good. Now, just relax.

You can jut now if you want to.

Hey, what are you guys still doing here, man? You're going to be late for the

contest. Oh, no.

I hope you remember everything I told you. Don't worry. I will.

And, son, I hope you remember what I told you. See, I never want to be the

contestant my whole life. Pop, are you going to start that again?

Okay. Now, the committee thought enough to let me be a judge.

I think it's only right that I do the right thing.

Okay. Okay. No nepotism. Right.

Good luck on it, Esther. I know you've been put a lot of, you know, work into

all of this, so... Thank you, baby.

Good luck. I'm going over there. See you, son.

Now, Esther, here's the coup de grace.

Come on over here.

Sit down over here in my chair, darling.

This is...

that you'd look like a million dollars.

Now, let me see.

All right.

Let me see now.

The man was right.

And here they are, ladies and gentlemen, in swimsuit competition.

Let's hear it out.

They should have picked the three finalists by now. Yeah, maybe if Judge

some help, I'll go over there and talk to him. Yeah, do that.

Bobby, just a moment. And please, give me your attention, your judgeship. You

see the beautiful lady there in the polka dot. Well, I think she should be

winner. Pop.

Pop.

This dog is not my son. And that beautiful lady in the polka dot, it's

it's true, it's not in art.

But she's going to win from here.

Is that the only way to talk to a stranger?

Ladies and...

The talent competition.

You other ladies, if you would please go get ready. Thank you.

Thank you.

Come on, Fred. Come on.

I've just been informed by Mrs. Anderson that she will be assisted in the talent

competition by her singing partner, Mr.

Ted Sanford.

And Fred Sanford.

Fred Sanford.

Gee.

Ladies and gentlemen, for our second finalist, we bring you Miss Esther

Anderson.

And hey.

No, no,

to you.

To us.

To you.

You know, imagine us being here together again after all of these years.

Seems like only yesterday.

Oh, I.

Where was it?

Down by the old mill stream.

It wasn't a stream. It was a lagoon. Goon.

Where I first met you.

like two black ones.

Dressed in kingdom two. That was polyester, sucker.

Yeah, polyester, that's you.

Half woman and half parrot.

your shoe size.

1975.

never been so embarrassed in all my life. You made a fool out of yourself,

Well, Esther deserved to win.

She had more poise than all them other women put together.

Well, I'll admit, Arnester's chances of winning look good, and she probably

would have won if I had voted for her.

You mean you had an opportunity to vote for her and didn't? I couldn't, Pop. I

just couldn't, man. I asked myself, am I voting for Arnester because she

deserves to win, or am I voting for her because she's my aunt?

So I had to disqualify myself.

I'm sorry, Pop.

That's okay, son. You did the honorable thing. Well, I'm glad you feel that way.

You had $500 I was going to give from Woody.

I don't need that.

With the cost of living going down.

What are you talking about going down? Cost of living is going up. Not around

here. Because my expenses are going to be cut in half as soon as I kick you.

come on. Oh, there's not much money you want to do.

Hey, nobody come out here a minute. I want your opinion on something.

What is it, Pop?

Well, I'm reading this article here about beauty contests. And you know,

who run them things make a fortune.

I mean, they sell TV rights and they endorse cosmetics and all that kind of

stuff. I know all about that, Pop. What did you need my opinion for? Well, I was

thinking that maybe we could get us in on some of that money.

You know what I mean? We could have our own beauty contest.

Miss Junk Pageant.

I think there's already enough beauty contests around now, Pop.

No, son. See, this one will be different.

Different than all the rest of them. You see, I'd be the only judge, and it

wouldn't be but one category.

Gratitude.

Gratitude. Instead of thanking the judges after they win, the girls would

me before they win.

And the girl that's the most thankful would win, and I would too.