Original subtitles

It's Smiley Rogers.

Smiley Rogers.

Come in here.

Come in.

Smiley. Oh, yeah.

Where is it? Right over here, Smiley.

Oh, I can't believe you found me one. Yeah.

There you go. I picked it up for ten bucks, and I'll let you have it for what

paid for it.

Thanks a lot, Fred.

Pretty good, huh?

Oh, man, it sounds perfect.

Oh, father, time checked.

So there'd be no doubt.

Call on the north wind.

to come on out.

Then cup his hand, so proudly to shout, la -dee -da,

dee -la -dee -da, it's autumn.

The trees say they're tired.

They've borne too much fruit.

Charmed all the wayside.

There's no dispute.

Now shedding leaves, they don't.

Then the birds got together to chirp about the weather.

And after making their decision, inverted

like precision, turned about, whoa, and made a beeline to the

south.

It's just to help the mercury climb.

What did you say?

I said... Just one more time. No.

Man, that was really nice, playing an old song.

Uh, incidentally, thanks for the tipple.

Hey, just a moment. Now, we sang and reminisced and had fun, all that stuff.

But the tipple, this is $10.

Oh, yeah!

Well, can I owe it to you? Oh, no!

La -di -da, la -di -da, la -di -da.

La -dee -dee, hey, la -dee -dum, it's money.

Who is it? It's your sister.

Oh.

I don't remember that door ever being locked during the day. Well, that's the

penalty for being a landlord.

Oh.

Yeah, you know, you try to be nice and friendly and treat people kindly. They

walk right over you.

Oh, what are they doing?

Well, when they moved in, I told them if they ever had a problem, my door was

open, walk right in. So?

So when they have a problem, they walk right in. Oh.

You need a resident manager, you know, someone who would take care of all those

problems, someone who would live in there and look after the place, and

who would live there rent -free.

Rent -free? Mm -hmm.

Did Levi get away his pants?

Did Sarah Lee get away her buns?

I

finally

picked a time when the vault was open. What vault?

Getting in here is tougher than cracking Fort Knox.

Did something happen to be wrong here, Mrs. Hopkins?

Yes. Something happens to be wrong here, Mr.

Sanford, and here it is in alphabetical order.

Oh, wait a minute now. You send that to our London office.

Oh.

See, the real estate branch of Sanford Arms is located in London Piccadilly

Square.

That's our motto.

Piccadilly, starve a cold.

Well, good day.

What exactly is wrong with your apartment, Mrs. Hopkins?

Who are you?

I'm his sister.

I'm May Hopkins. How do you do? Nice to meet you.

mother. Yes. And you're living next door, huh?

That is correct. I'm living in the ghetto with my black brothers and black

sisters and red ants.

I told you.

I told you before, no pets.

Furthermore,

I need a new window shade for my bedroom.

What's wrong with the old window shade? It will not roll up, Mr. Sanford. Well,

that don't make no difference, because there ain't nothing outside the window

for you to see, and I'm sure anybody outside don't want to look in.

Is a bullfrog waterproof?

Just get talking on that list, Mr. Sanford.

I like to get cracking on you.

Well, I never.

I can believe that.

Fred, those sound like reasonable complaints to me. Listen, honey, now

concerned with little things like that.

Joey, how's your thing?

What thing?

You know, the thing you married.

His name is Rodney, and he's my husband.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Your husband thing.

How is he?

He's fine.

He's still white? Oh, hey!

Hello, Aunt Frances. Hello, sweetheart.

La dee dee, dee la dee dum, it's dummy.

Hey, Pop, you know, I just picked up a piano for $20 down at Jimmy's Bar and

Grill. $20? Hey, that's all right.

Good. Look, I want you to help me get it off the truck.

Uh, not now, son.

May the 1st.

Why May 1st? May 1st, that's opening day of the Hernia Festival.

Why don't you stop?

How's Rodney doing anyway, Aunt Franklin?

Oh, not...

Well... Must be tough for a performer to be out of work, huh?

It is.

But he loves being in show business.

Well, he better not show his business around here.

Oh, Lamont, let me get you a cold glass of milk.

Now, wait a minute, Francis.

Now, if my son's exhausted, if he wants something, I'll get it for him. That's

my job.

Okay. Gee, thanks, Pop.

No, it's okay. I'll get it myself.

Hey, I'll get it, whatever it is. You got it, whatever it is.

My brother -in -law. How you

doing,

Rodney? How you feel? I feel great.

Hey, I feel like a tongue sandwich to go.

Ask me how I want it to go. How do you want it to go?

Baskin and Robin's newest flavor.

Tootie nut.

That's funny, Fred.

Hey, what do you want me to do with this luggage?

What luggage?

Luggage here. Didn't Francis tell you?

Oh, I was leading up to it, Fred. I was.

Leading up to what?

Well, today was my last check at the unemployment office, and we're out of

money, and we're going to have to get out of our apartment at the end of the

week, so we're going to move in with you, Fred, until something comes up.

Well, you know, you're in luck.

Really?

Something's coming up.

Bend over, now. Is

that how you treat a brother?

A hand, brother.

Hiya,

Francis. Hi.

Hey, Pop.

Hey, son.

Did we fix the door?

Yes, we fix the stove.

You know, it's amazing how I get so dirty and you stay so clean and we fix

everything.

Hey, did Rodney get back yet? I wanted to help him get that piano off the

No, dear, he's not.

Do you know where he is? I have no idea.

He's probably somewhere where he's needed. The El Segundo Institute of the

Strange.

Fred, stop it. He's my husband.

That's the only reason why he's moving around without pallbearers.

consider the idea?

Yes.

That's it.

And the answer is still no.

What's your idea, Aunt Frances?

I don't want to hear it. Well, don't listen. Go ahead. I want to hear it.

Rodney happens to be a decent handyman.

So I would like to suggest that you give us the basement apartment and make

Rodney the manager of the San Fernando.

Do what? Give you the basement. That place is worth a fortune.

Hey, Pop, that sounds like a good idea to me.

When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

But please, Rodney needs it. I mean, he needs to regain his self -respect.

And if it came from you, I mean, if you asked him or begged him... Begged? Yes,

pleaded with him, it would make him feel... Pleaded?

Yes, it would make him feel that you needed his help and...

It would help him to feel like a man again.

Please, Craig.

Listen to me.

Listen, just stop crying. We need you for crying out loud.

Hey, come on, Pop. Why don't you be a little understanding, man?

I am being understanding.

I'll always be that way just before I get ready to plead and need.

Oh, thank you, Pat.

Oh, I don't want that stone in my face.

Well, I guess I'll go upstairs and wash up for the work that we did on Miss

Hopkins' stove.

Okay, Rodney?

Yes?

I'd like to beg something of you. What is it?

Well, from a pleading point of view, I mean, needing -wise, how

would you like to be the manager of Sanford On and live there for nothing

Too far.

Oh, you've gone too far this time, Fred.

Sure, you want your sister to live in that dungeon and do all your dirty work,

probably for free, right?

Well, foul, foul!

like me to shove a chicken up your nose.

Rodney, I don't think Fred is trying to take advantage of us. And we could use

the apartment and it's free.

Free? Yeah.

Free? When did I ever want anything free before?

How would you pay to live here now?

Nothing. I wouldn't insult you by offering you money for a place where

sister lives that belongs to her brother. I have class.

Well, Meet me outside after class.

Say, you know, Ronnie, the apartment at the Sanford Arms is not exactly free,

man. You'd be paying for it by managing the place.

Thank you, but you see, I'm not a building manager, Lamont.

I'm an impresario.

Impa who, real?

I'm an impresario.

I'll have you know that I just booked myself and my show in that little movie

house around the corner. The one that's showing the Tyro Power thing. It's about

the geek.

Well, they've gone back to a policy of presenting vaudeville, and I just booked

myself and my show for $100 a week.

Hey, Ronnie, that's great, man.

Well, you know, it's just a one -week trial, but the manager said if he likes

me, he'll hire me as the city emcee, and then I won't need your apartment next

door for free and your room here for free.

So, in other words, if the show is to hit, you'll move out.

That's right.

Well, who you got? Well, I come out and open the show with some real psycho

jokes.

And then I know this little old lady, and she comes out and does great

readings from Shakespeare.

And listen to the finale.

For the finale, I have this great opera singer, and he sings an excerpt from The

Chocolate Soldier.

I can see the two of you now.

The Chocolate Soldier and the Vanilla Twinkie.

Yes, I got a better idea.

See, now I know the people in this neighborhood, and I know what they want.

Now, if the show's a hit, you say that you'll move out here tomorrow, and then

Francis will stop talking to me about you managing over there in San

right? That's right, and you got my word.

Your word. That's right. A man's word is good enough for me.

I've always said that. A man's word is his bond.

Sign this here right here.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Tonight, instead of the Tyrone Powell movie... Where's the geek?

What geek?

There's no geek tonight.

As I was saying, tonight, we're starting our new policy of bringing live

performers in Vaudeville back to our stage.

And to start things off, here's your master ceremonies for the night. Let's

it with a big round of applause, ladies and gentlemen, for the fabulous Rodney

Victor.

Thank you very much, and good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Good evening, Jake!

Hey, knock it off.

Let's show a little respect in here. I'll throw you out. He's a human being

same as you and me.

Go ahead, honky.

Thank you very much, but I don't mind insults from the public.

Because the public is what America's all about.

America. I was reading about America in the newspapers today. Hey, listen to

this. Turn to the debt notices and read us your name.

That's good.

That's funny.

Isn't that wonderful, ladies and gentlemen, speaking out freely like

Because that's America.

And America is the people in the next act that I'm about to introduce to you.

Ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful and the exciting Fred G. Stanford and Smiley

Rogers, better known as Stanford and Salt.

News back in town.

Got to get a half a buck somewhere.

Shine my shoes, slick my hair. Got to get myself a boutonniere.

News back in town.

You can tell all my pets, sir. Yeah. And all my Harlem coquettes, sir. Mr.

Oldest Regret, sir, that he won't be around.

You can tell the mailman not to call.

I ain't coming home until the fall.

I might not get back home at all.

She came back. She came back. Looking good.

Like she should.

She got five feet five good grace of life.

A little bit here. A little bit there. Here a bit there. A bit everywhere. A

little bit.

Thank you very much, Sanford and Saul.

And now we'd like to move right along, ladies and gentlemen, and I'd like to

have you meet my one and only wonderful nephew in the whole wide world.

I'm sure you've heard of him before, tops and taps.

Here he is, Lamont Sanford from the junk place.

Just help out fastest move into a new apartment. That's good, son. Yeah. Hey,

listen to this ad I'm putting in the paper for the basement apartment.

Hey, wait a minute, Pop. That apartment is in no condition to be rented out. The

pipes need fixing.

Oh, you crazy. Ain't nothing wrong with them pipes. All we need is the tenant in

there because the mortgage payment is due day after tomorrow.

Hello?

Harold Examiner?

Let me speak to Harold.

me, don't you?

That's right, Fred G. Sandford.

Look, Harold, I got an ad I want to put in the paper.

And get it right this time, here. Now, here it is. For rent, luxurious two

suite.

Private entrance, wall -to -wall floors, drapes, carpeting, and refrigerator.

Mr. Sandford, for heaven's sake, come quickly. The pipes are burst. The

basement's flooded.

And a swimming pool.

Plunkin' tub.

every day.