Original subtitles

I got them, Pop. I got the tickets.

So what?

We've been waiting for four weeks to get these tickets.

You've been waiting for four weeks to get them tickets. I don't want to see no

dumb television show.

But I know what'll make you feel better.

I called up that lawyer, and he said if we can prove that they're doing that

television show about our life...

We can sue the network for one million dollars.

You got him. You got him.

You got the ticket.

I knew that'd make you feel better.

Come on in.

How you doing, Arniston?

Hello, Lamar.

Hello, Fred.

Hello, beautiful.

Oh, you're calling me beautiful.

Now I'm looking at a junkyard.

Hey, you don't mean nothing, honest. And

it's true. You look lovely.

Thank you, baby.

That's it, son.

Now you only got six months to live.

Are those the tickets?

Yeah. Did you get me one? Yeah, I got four of them. Rollo came, too, just like

he promised. Oh, good.

Come on in.

Say, friend, it just occurred to me that instead of people having to knock all

the time, you should get yourself a doorbell.

You know, something classy like... Dum -dum -dum.

Dum -dum -dum.

Dum -dum -dum. As long as I got you, I don't need no doorbell.

I got a dumbbell.

All right, folks.

Where's everybody going dressed up so nice?

Well, we got tickets to the hottest, newest TV show in town.

Yeah? Yeah, we're going to see the taping of Steinberg and Son.

Hey, got extra ticket?

Oh, I'm sorry, Bubba. Rollo could only get four.

Oh, you know something?

I love that show, Fred.

It's just like it was a direct copy from your life.

Yeah. Yeah, a mean, grouchy old father.

Wait a minute.

The dumb son.

Wait a minute, Bubba.

The ugly sister -in -law.

Watch it, sucker.

And the stupid bonding friend.

You're too hard on yourself, Bubba.

Well,

have fun.

And tell me about it when you go home. I'll get back in here.

All right.

Fred, I think Bob is right.

That's Joe Steinberg and son is a lot like you and Lamont. And that Aunt Ethel

is exactly like you, Esther.

And that dumb friend is exactly like you.

Only not as dumb.

Well, see, I don't agree with that at all. I mean, that dumb friend is nothing

like me.

If we can prove that they're copping our life, We can sue him for a million

dollars. A million dollars?

Well, Fred, you know that dumb friend on that show?

It's me to a T.

Yeah, that's right, Fred. Be honest now. Tell the truth.

I'm dumb, right?

Son, I think his cage is stronger than ours.

Let's go.

My name is Saul Green, and I'm the associate producer of Steinberg and Son.

And I'm out here to kind of get you warmed up before we start the show, get

in a good mood.

Anybody here from out of town?

Yeah, right here.

Where are you from, sir?

Idaho. Idaho.

Wonderful. Put on your shoes and enjoy the show, sir.

We have what we think is a wonderful show in store for you.

And, uh, uh -oh.

Could you tell us?

Could you tell me why you're late?

Ready to start. Now, for those of you who haven't seen our show, it's about a

junk dealer and his son who live in a ghetto.

That's it. Now, are there any last -minute questions?

Where's my meat now?

I should have never brought you out. All right, folks, here we go. Get ready,

relax, and enjoy.

That dude's supposed to be me.

No, he don't look anything like you at all, Lamar.

You're taller.

Is that the guy that's supposed to be me?

Hello, dummy.

He sounds just like you too, Fred.

I'm getting tired of you calling me dummy, you know? I mean, it's wrong for

to do it. You've got no reason to, so stop it. Just stop it.

Listen to how you're talking.

It's amazing.

A boy who couldn't graduate high school has such a college stupidity.

I had to quit high school because you had a heart attack after Mom died, and I

had to help you out here.

You hear that, Naomi, darling?

It's all my fault.

I should have had a heart attack after. After he graduated high school.

Hello, men.

Hello, men.

Hello, baby.

What do you want? What do I want? Did you forget?

Tonight's the night we watch the monster movies.

It's a double feature.

Godzilla comes home for Passover.

and Gork gets bar mitzvahed.

Oh, yeah.

So sit down and make yourself comfortable.

Yoo -hoo, Mary!

In here, Art Ethel.

Oh, no.

Hello,

Max.

Look at it, Gaby.

She looks like an air ran over her face with a tank.

You watch it! You bagelite! You bagelite locks!

You! You!

I'm sorry, people. Uh, what is the line?

guy's supposed to be me. Why does he walk so funny?

I have no idea.

You know, watching that show, Fred, was just like watching you and Lamont and

Esther. And what is a bagel?

That's a round, hard thing with a hole in it, like your head, Grady.

You know, Pop, though, that's true, man. That story is based on our life. The

truck, the initials, everything.

Everything but the aunt.

See, there's no...

In the world that could play Esther.

Unless they dig up Trigger.

He didn't mean that, Aunt Esther.

Hey, why don't you stop it, Pop? Now, you know that lawyer's gonna be here any

minute. We got that personal business to discuss.

I can take a hint.

No, just take a walk.

I've seen your home, Esther.

I didn't say my home. I said me home.

But why?

There's all type of men who might attack a person walking the streets alone.

Yeah, Grady, and you all go along with her, then you wouldn't have to be

Me? Yeah, because they figure any guy that could put clothes on a gorilla is

tough to mess with.

As far as I see, we have a case here of invasion of privacy as well as a

violation of your private and personal right to obtain profit.

How much?

All actionable both at law and at equity with remedies and damages and

injunctions. How much? I'm talking about a million dollars.

Keep on talking.

Are you ready to go all the way with this case?

All the way. It may drag on for months. I got months.

We may have to go all the way to the highest court in the land.

All the way. Then you're willing 100 %?

All the way, see?

This is America, where right makes might, where justice is blind, where

law is king, and where a man should be able to pursue his democratic rights, no

matter what it costs him in time, effort, and or money.

Wow, man, I'm proud of you, Pop. Thanks, sir. Okay, I'll need about $10 to file

a complaint.

I dropped the case.

I dropped the case, and I... I plead non -complimentous and I apologize to your

hideous and your corpus.

Hey, Pop, what are you being so cheap about? It's only $10, man, and we stand

make a million dollars.

You're right, son.

I shouldn't be a cheapskate. After all, what's $10 to get to the Supreme Court?

$10 ain't nothing.

I'm not cheap.

Give me $10, son.

Mr. McJohn, this is Mr. Sanford.

Fred Sanford.

Mr. Sanford, this is Bert Lipson.

Hello, Bert Lipson.

Fred.

My son, Lamont.

Lamont. How are you? Lawyer, Albert Brock.

How you doing?

Brock. Brock.

I'm Anthony Marvinowski, attorney for NBC.

How do you do? This is my client, Fred Sanford.

Fred G. Sanford. If you got my million dollars, the G is for goody -goody gimme

and I'm gone.

Have a seat.

Thank you very much.

Now, to begin with, there seems to be some question as to whether you're

entitled to that million dollars.

To begin with, there's some question whether you're entitled to your teeth.

Just what makes you think that the show and the characters were stolen from your

life? Well, we're in the junk business.

Our name is Sanford and Son.

We drive a red pickup truck, and we live in a house exactly like the one on your

show. But, uh, young man.

I'm sure you don't suggest for one moment that the character I play is like

father here.

I'm suggesting all the way to the Supreme Court.

Surely no real human being could be that mean.

Disrespectful of women.

Insulting to his own son and live in such a sloppy home.

I know some people like that.

But certainly not you.

No, no, not me, not me, no way.

Well, then there goes your case.

They do have a little resemblance.

Then you are claiming that the character that Mr. Lipson portrays is really you.

Well, all but the part about the way I treat my son bad.

See, I'm not that bad.

Pop. Shut up, dummy.

We rest our case.

Katie, is Bernie on his way up? Yes, sir.

Bernie Taub is the creator and producer of Steinberg and Son. Now, perhaps this

all can be settled quite easily if we just find out where exactly he got his

idea from. Well, I'll tell you where he got his idea from.

He came to watch and saw my place and had a Xerox and brought it here and sold

it to some fool.

I bought the idea myself.

Well, no offense.

Some of my best friends are fools.

Mr. Sanford, this is the man you say stole your life?

Uh -huh.

Who is it?

Are you the executive writer and creator of Steinberg and Son? That's right.

Well, what are you doing black?

Have you two met before?

No, we haven't. Well, what gave you the idea of joining Steinberg and Son?

It was about a year ago.

I couldn't break into television with any of my ideas.

And then I heard about these two people from my cousin Rollo.

Rollo?

See, the son was a nothing, and the father was a nothing who yelled at the

all the time.

But no matter what, those two nothings really loved each other.

Now, are you really trying to tell us that you are those two nothings? Don't

say that!

Hey,

Puck, did you have to hit that guy?

The head legal counsel at NBC.

Well, he shouldn't have called you a nothing.

Now, I don't mind calling you a dummy, but you ain't nothing.

What I can't understand is why you simply refused to continue the

Obviously, we had a strong case.

Yeah, I don't understand that either. Well, see, I didn't want to hurt the

writer, you know, because he needed a break. He's nice.

Yeah, but I would think that that would be the last person you'd be willing to

help, Rollo's cousin.

Well, he had nothing to do with it. Rollo's cousin just was a nice guy and

needed a break.

Hey, that's Rollo. What's he doing here?

Well, I called him up and told him to bring his evilness over here.

What's happening, Rollo? Hold on, hold on. What?

What exactly was that?

Uh, Steinberg and Stennis. What's happening, Rollo? Did you or did you

fact, tell your cousin, one Bernie Taub, about the life and times of Fred G.

Sanford and his son, Lamont, here and after referred to as the Nothings? Yes,

what? Me and the poor brother, man, needed a lucky break, and I helped him.

And how much are you getting from the studio each week for coming up with that

idea? We're going to sue NBC for doing Steinberg and Son about our life. And

this is our lawyer, Albert Brock.

Hey, look here, Pop. I mean, you and Brother Brock might have a case here,

know, if you want to get my cousin in trouble.

But, man, I'm not getting one thin dime from it.

I mean, I gave the brother the idea for nothing.

And now he's made a break in the TV.

And I hate to knock him out. I hate to knock him out, too. But I don't hate to

knock you out.

Bird.

Bird, there's nothing I can do. I'm sorry. We've got a contract. Your salary

set. I can't give you a penny more.

I don't want a penny more.

All I want is a rehearsal hall without windows.

Well, pull the curtain. I hate curtains.

I want...

All right, all right. We'll have walls built into the windows.

Thank you.

Hello, you.

Hello, me.

Mac, I've been talking to Bertie. Yeah, what's going on?

Bertie admits that his cousin did get the idea from Sanford, and he's got a

and a good one back.

All right.

How much do you want?

Two hundred.

Two hundred thousand dollars?

No, man. Two hundred dollars a week.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. And a title.

Creative Executive Consultant of Steinberg Design.

All right.

And a small part every now and then to help the ratings.

All right. And what?

And a dressing room with my name on the door.

Uh -huh. And lots of windows.

Lots and lots of windows. You got it.

Okay, well, thank you very much. Good day.

Hey, listen, Steinberg. Yes?

Now, let me tell you. Yes?

When Aunt Ethel walks in, you don't have to say nothing to her. Just stand there

and look at her like this.

You mean like this?

Did you guys just eat in the NBC commissary?

I just want to ask you a question. If you're going to write a story about my

life, why don't you make it black, about black people, and call it Sanford and

Son?

Sanford and Son?

They would never make it.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, here we are again, the 14th episode of Steinberg and

Son.

Hey, Pop, I'm home.

Go to the telephone, dial information, and ask.

Who cares?

Hey, listen, Pop, you're going to kill me. I'll tell you this. There's somebody

outside who wants to buy every piece of junk we have in the yard.

Well, why are you letting him stand outside, dummy?

Come right in, sir.

Listen.

I was driving by, and I noticed all the junk that you had here, Nick.

Hi.

Now, let's take that line again.

Hey, I was driving by, and I noticed all this junk that you have here.

Now, wait. We have to take it from your entrance.

I was driving by, and we have to take it from your entrance.

Hey,

you wait a minute. Director, look.

Now, this is all wrong.

Now, I wouldn't come in through this door here like that and say what I just

said. This show is going out before millions of people. It's got to be

Give me a cue.

I'll show you.

Come right in.

Three minutes before Steinberg

and Son.

Hey, where's your father, Lamont?

Oh, he's upstairs resting, Bubba. Don't worry. He'll be down in time.

For a man making his debut on TV, he's taking it pretty calmly.

Please, everyone, no autograph.

Elizabeth, son, I'm afraid you're sitting in the star's chair.

Excuse me?

Well, Grady, about time to get it on, ain't it? Ready when you are, F .S.

And now for the premiere of a brand -new comedy about today's teenagers all in

the family way.

What? What's wrong here?

There you go.

Hey, Ronald.

at the right time. Hey, Pop, I know where you're coming from, Jack. You can

worrying. Steinberg and Son was canceled.

Canceled? What? Yeah, man, cuz that rating was so bad, bad, bad, man. Plus,

nobody even watched the show.

I thought the show was just terrific.

Oh, man, come on, Pop. Be better, Jack. I mean, it was a boy.

I mean, who wants to watch a grouchy old man running across the screen yelling

at his son? Man, that's dead.

Well, I got a new TV show for me and you, Rollo.

Hey, that's big, Pop. What's it called?

Well, it's called Rollo Derby.

That's why I stayed all over your face.

Well,

I think we got enough.

Call them, Fred.

They're shorter like one of them.

One of them? Yeah, like all of them. Hey, what you doing, Pop?

Oh, son, I was about to call the network.

See, listen to these TV shows we came up with.

See, the first... There's a police show based on my life called Co -Jump.

And I got a new sports show for you and your friends of mine. Really?

Uh -huh. Yeah, it's called Darling for Dummies.

Just stop it. You think that's good?

Mine is a musical cooking show called Evie and Galvin Gourmet.

And here's the topic. I mean, this is the one that shoot itself.

It's about a family of pioneer plumbers. I'm afraid to ask what it's called.

It's called Little Outhouses on the Prairie.