Original subtitles

Well, let's see how we did this week.

Got $10 .50 for the lamp.

Paid $4 .98 for it.

Less $0 .75 for the bulb.

7 % tax.

Total profit on the lamp, $36 ,386 .54.

Total loss on the computer, $3 .95.

Come in.

What's the matter, Aunt Esther?

Mama, pour me a shot of booze.

A shot of what?

Just an ounce of alcohol, please.

What's the matter, Aunt Esther? I mean, I've never seen you drink before.

Mama, hurry up. Hurry up.

Okay, now, is there something wrong? You want to tell me what's the matter?

Lamont, that man... That man is the most miserable, low -down, sneak

-sliding snake... Keep your voice down, now. He's upstairs sleeping.

I ain't talking about your father.

I'm talking about my soon -to -be ex -husband.

Oh, you and Woody had a fight, huh?

Drinking and smoking.

Ain't so bad, but the way he looks at other women is disgusting.

Oh, come on, Ernest. It can't be that bad.

Oh, no?

When he walked down the street, I had to put a bib on him to keep him from

drooling all over himself.

Why does he want to look at other women?

Oh, Ernest, look, I know you're upset, but look, I'll tell you what, look.

Everything is going to be okay, all right? Now, we'll go for a walk, and

talk it over, and you'll feel a lot better. You'll see.

Lamont, you a fine young man.

Yeah.

But I feel so sorry for your father.

You feel sorry for my father? Why you feel sorry for my father?

Because even though I've never had a drop of alcohol in my life,

I know cheap liquor when I taste it.

Hey, Lamar!

Lamar!

Come on in.

I said come on in, didn't I? What do you want me to do?

Come on in.

Come on in.

Hey,

Woody.

Hey,

how do you like your eggs?

Oh, I'll just have some juice.

You know, I think I've lost the will to live.

You ain't lost your will to drink.

Why are you so upset?

Esther and I just had to fight to end all fights.

Did you punch her in the face?

No. You want me to do it for you?

You know, Fred, I think Esther and I are through.

Wait a minute now. Through? That's too much. Now, that's serious business.

Yeah, well, I know it's serious, but...

I've had enough.

Look, 30 years.

30 years of marriage.

And you know, in marriage, I was awful strict.

You know, through sickness and through health and the better or worse. And the

main thing is until death do us part.

And you know what I think of that? What?

Killer.

You know the one thing that really drives me crazy?

The way Esther always accused me. of running around with other women.

Well, do you?

No.

Let me do it for you.

Now, look, Fred, I really want to make my marriage work, but I need your help.

Well, I don't know. Now, please, Fred, I'm asking you as a friend.

Okay, then. Well, now, here's what to do.

Uh, fool around.

What? I mean, not fool around.

And then that'll make you appealing to her. And she wants you back. I can see

the two of you back together now.

Appealing and appalling.

But that's no good, Fred. You see, I don't know any girls.

You don't? Well, leave that to Reddy Freddy.

Let me get my black book out. You got no black book?

15 years of the biggest hit, including some oldies and some goodies.

Well, it sure is huge. You sure know a lot of women. No, it ain't that huge. I

don't know too many women, but I just got them lined up here and listed three

different ways.

See, in alphabetical order, then I got them in sizes, and then according to

their most recent performance.

Well, that's true, and you can say that as many times as you want to.

Hey, look here.

I think I met a girl the other day that'd be perfect for you. Oh, really?

see, I met her in the supermarket.

See, I was buying some corn, and she was buying some llama beans.

And we bumped into each other, and immediately, suck -o -tach.

Yeah, I got you right here.

Here she is right here.

Laverne Gomez.

She's part French and part Indian and Spanish, and I leave the best part for

you. I got a phone number. I'll call up for you now.

Well, I don't know, Fred. Maybe I'm acting a little hasty. You know, maybe

Esther isn't all that bad.

Yes, she is.

She's bad, Woody.

I'll tell you the truth.

When Esther was a little girl, a guy drove up beside her and offered her some

suckers to get under his car.

Hey, Fred, now Esther's still my wife.

Well, you have my sympathy on that.

I'll just go ahead and call the girl here.

Well, all right, but what am I going to say to her? Well, I mean, you know, just

be natural. That's the main thing. See, the trick is for these girls just to

relax. Be normal. Be relaxed.

Here it is right here.

See, and don't try to put on no airs. Just be calm.

Okay. Hello there.

Yes, this is Baron DeSantos.

Hey, listen.

I was just...

Recently describing you to a very debonair friend of mine.

And, uh, according to his actions, I'm sure he got the hot catrach.

Yes. Now go ahead and make a date with her, and I'll go fix us a pot of coffee.

Okay.

Uh, hello?

Uh, Laverne?

Uh, yes, uh, Lord Woody here.

Yes, uh, I'm fine, thank you.

I would love to meet you, too.

Yeah. Now, you feel any better on Esther?

Oh, I think so.

You know, maybe William and I can work something out. He's not such a bad man.

No, I'm sure everything is going to be just fine on us. Now, look, let's go in

the house, and I'll get the keys to the truck and drive you home, all right? All

right. See, you feel better already.

I feel much better.

You know, that's really funny. You know, you have a great sense of humor.

Say, listen, why don't you drop by sometime?

And fix the leak under the kitchen clip.

Woodrow, would you please forgive me? It was all my fault.

Well, just forget it, Esther. Maybe we can try again, huh?

Well, if you cut down on drinking and smoking, I promise I won't be jealous of

you and other women.

And find me appealing, huh?

Well, it might be pretty hard, but sure.

Dr. T, that's beautiful.

Well, there you are, Woody.

Yes, what are you doing here?

What do you mean, what am I doing here?

Well, a wolf woman don't usually come out until it's a full moon.

Hey, Pop, why don't you dig yourself?

Man, can't you see that Uncle Woody and I are still back together again?

Yeah. Oh, well, then you won't be wanting this coffee, Woody.

Why not?

Well, you don't want to be staying awake married to that.

the insult spread.

I'm going home with my wife. Come on, baby. That's right. You do that, Uncle

Woody. You tell him, baby.

We're going home.

Hello?

Hey, wait a minute.

Hey, Woody.

Laverne won't speak to you.

because of the statute.

Hey, what do you want me to do, throw Aunt Esther out in the street?

Look, Pop, in a day or so, Aunt Esther and Uncle Wooden will get this thing

settled, man, and everything will be back to normal.

You're still going to be stubborn, aren't you?

You ain't going to talk to me?

You're going to talk to Aunt Esther?

Well, that's good. If you don't say nothing to her and she don't say nothing

you, it won't be no argument.

on, Esther? I hope you slept well last night.

Yes, I did. Thank you. Sit down. I'll get you a cup of coffee.

Thank you.

My, my.

Poor little couch.

I know you haven't been dusted in years.

My, my. Poor little couch.

I bet this is the first time you've been sat on by a buffalo.

Poor little walls.

I feel so sorry for you to have to stay here and hear the language that comes

out of this house.

Poor wall.

be glad you ain't got no eyes to see who's talking to you.

Why don't you move your smelly old feet so I can get the knife up on the rug?

Why don't you bend over so I can put my foot where to raise the knife on the

rug?

wasn't going to talk to each other. Well, son, I wasn't going to say a word,

she came down here and tried to turn my soap and wall against me.

heard about your aunt and uncle, so I thought I'd drop by to see if I could be

of some assistance when I heard the disheartening clamor of a personal

altercation. It was her. It was him.

Her. Him. It was you. Just stop it. Lamont, I believe we have here a 415.

What's a 415?

Unsolved domestic squabble.

Now, Mrs.

Anderson.

I think you should know that we policemen are specifically trained in

psychological problems emanating from the aggressive tendencies between

couples. So now why don't you, why don't you try to settle your little

differences amicably and intellectually?

What you should do is run right home, look your husband straight in the face

sing, It's so nice to have a man around the house. That

was just a little madcap.

musicality, you know, that I threw in there to try to ease the tension a bit.

Mrs.

Anderson, if I may speak to you for a moment to try to straighten this thing

out. Now, in a day or so, this whole thing between Aunt Esther and Woody will

straightened out. I can't spend another 24 hours with Esther.

I'd rather drink muddy water and sleep in...

Just do it for me. It's only 24 hours. I mean, what could it hurt, all right?

Okay, one more day. Right, right. Just be calm. I'll be calm. Be cool. Be cool.

And be collected.

Be collected. One day I'll be calm, cool, and collected.

Mrs. Anderson and I have solved the entire problem.

She is going to get a divorce, and she'll be staying right here with you.

uh,

oh, probably for no more than six months.

Oh, no, six months. Son, call Forrest Lawn and tell him I'm...

happening, Pop?

Love is happening, son. Love.

How about this?

Hey, that's hip. All this for Aunt Esther and Uncle Woody? Yeah, kind of

ain't it? Yeah.

Especially these face cards written in crayon.

Well, see, they don't know it yet, but I'm getting these two lovebirds together

so I can get that buzzard out of my house.

Well, I see you still haven't learned your lesson.

Sure I have.

Look, I got the bouquets right here, son. See?

It's sitting right there in front of Esther's face so Woody won't have to see

it.

That's not what I'm talking about, Papa. I'm talking about interfering with a

husband and wife when they're arguing.

Listen, I know what I'm doing. All right.

I just don't want to have nothing to do with it. I'm going upstairs and get

cleaned up. You know what you're doing. I know what I'm doing.

Come on in.

Hey, Woody.

Hey, Fred.

Say, I got this invitation to dinner for Master.

Oh, isn't that wonderful?

Master is so lovable, so warm. She's such a, such a, such a thing.

Listen to this, Fred.

Roses are red.

Mustards are green.

Come over for dinner and we'll lick our plates clean.

Hey. Hello, Woodrow, darling.

Hello, Esther.

Thanks for the dinner invitation.

Invitation? But I thought... Why don't the two of y 'all... Esther, come around

here and sit down, honey. Sit down right here. Okay. Listen.

See... This is the best dinner I ever fixed in my life for y 'all. Know what

having?

Oysters Rockefeller.

And spaghetti under glass.

And for dessert, something continental.

Twinkies flambé.

Listen, you two get together and enjoy yourselves. I'll be right back.

Oh, Fred, you didn't have to go to all this trouble. I know that. Just enjoy

champagne there, darling.

Champagne?

Which one?

Straight...

like a big bouquet of flowers.

Oh, you're so sweet.

Isn't that romantic?

Holding hands.

That's nice.

I'll be back.

Take care, son.

happy to announce that Esther and I are getting back together.

Hey, see what I'm telling you? I knew what I was doing.

Fred Stanford, the king of hearts.

There's no mistake. I'd like you to meet Fred Sanford, your gypsy prince. No,

come on.

What's happening, Cuddles?

Hey, look, that's the call, man. She said everything is fine at home with her

and Uncle Woody. How was your date with Jackie?

So we went to a disaster movie.

Where? Yeah, Sound of Music.

Pop, the Sound of Music is not a disaster movie.

It is when you're walking down the aisle with Jackie and she slipped on the

Milky Way and crushed me and her sister to death.