Original subtitles

My empire is crumbled.

Oh, no.

I'm coming to join you, honey.

You'll recognize me, darling.

I'll be the one with the bird cage on my foot.

I want to report a break in.

Yeah, a break in my house and a break in my horse.

What location?

I'd say it's about three inches on the left of his tail.

What's the matter, Pop?

I had a break -in. Nobody broke in here.

Well, what is this, a self -inflicted wound?

Well, there was a small earthquake last night, and a few things got, you know,

shook around.

I must have slept right through it.

Thank goodness it was just an earthquake.

What do you mean, just an earthquake?

Well, just an earthquake.

This place is solid as a rock. A fortress.

Like they say, in time, the rockies make tumbles.

But you're brought to my crumble.

They only made of clay.

I just is here to

It's all over, Pop. How do you feel? Fine, thank you. How are you?

You know, I tell you, Pop.

You know, it's a... It's a good thing we don't live

closer to the San Andreas Fault.

It could have been a lot worse.

How could it be worse?

Look at all my stuff is broken.

The wall's all cracked.

Oh, no.

Look at my antique chair.

My Louis XIV.

And 15.

And 16, 17.

Why don't you sit down over there, Pop?

Try to compose yourself.

Yeah. Because these earthquakes are hard on a fella.

I don't understand why people move out here.

Earthquakes on the coast.

120 degrees temperature on the desert.

You ought to change the name of California to Shake and Bake USA.

What's the matter, Brady?

Well, it's really nothing much to be concerned about, Mr. Sanford. He's

experiencing a mild gastrointestinal imbalance precipitated by...

Acute anti -gravitational pull in the lower abdominal cavity.

I've got to throw up.

I'm going to be all right.

I'm just a little seasick from the earthquake.

I take it you and Lamont have read this morning's paper, the article about the

two Russian seismologists?

Oh, yeah, I saw it. Hey, Lamont, what are you talking about? What two

Well, these two Russian seismologists said they'd discovered a new fault.

What was wrong with the old ones?

And they're predicting a massive earthquake on November 6th.

November 6th? That's only five days away. Don't worry about a thing, Pop.

not possible.

I beg to differ with you, Lamont. Today is November 1st, and it's extremely

possible that November 6th is only five days away.

Excuse me, Mr. Wilson. I think what Lamont meant was that the massive

is unlikely to happen.

Oh, that's good.

Wow. Thank you, Lamar.

You know, none of the American experts agree with the Russian experts either.

What do they say?

Well, here's a newspaper.

There should be an article right here on the front page, reprinted courtesy of

that fantastically respected publication Pravda.

Now, according to the two commie pinkos, the fault begins up here in the San

Fernando Valley, cuts down the San Diego freeway to the Sloss and Cut -Off, and

it... Sloss and Cut -Off, you know what that is?

That's where you get out of your car and cut off your sloss.

Here's Johnny.

Here's Knuckles.

Let's see. Then it says it continues on through Hollywood, slices into Watts,

right past 91 -14 South Central, turns eastward at... Hold it, hold it. Did you

say 91 -14?

This is 91 -14 South Central. Holy moly. I am standing on a potential

earthquake. That is bad luck.

You know what they say.

Step on a crack, break your mother's back.

Well, so short. So long.

So long. Right.

Hey, son.

Come on, give me a hand. Cover up some of these cracks before the people get

here to see the house.

Hey, Pop, you're not selling this house.

Who said anything about selling it? I'm unloading it on the first sucker to make

me off.

And then what are you going to do? Where are you going to live then?

Oh, probably Nevada.

You know, I've been looking at some prime oceanfront property.

Nevada isn't on the ocean.

It will be after the quake.

I'm not going to Nevada.

Okay, you got three days before Q Day to think about it.

That must be Mr.

and Mrs. Sucker Johnson.

Now listen, don't try to serve them those gingerbread cookers or nothing

that. I'm going to get them in here fast and get them on out here in case

there's another trimmer. I'm not going to have anything to do with this. Well,

then stay out of it. Mind your own business. I know I can't do this kind of

stuff. Hello.

We're the Johnsons from Kansas City.

Yes, the Sucker Johnson. I mean, the Johnsons. Come right here.

Come right in. I'll show you right over here. Come. Move, honey, move.

This is the kitchen over here, and this is the living room. This is 15 by 8. It

was built in 1921.

And then in 1965, we repainted the place.

And over here, see, I'll show you the common stuff. All this furniture is the

original reproduction of something famous. Now, come on up here, and I'll

you the rest of it.

Come on right up here.

Move, honey, move.

Move.

Come on.

There you are.

Now, look here.

This is the bed

Hey, you gonna take it? Well, I think I'd like to see it first.

Well, I've seen enough, Mavis. It's perfect, Mr. Stanford. I can... Relocate

junk business here with no problem at all. Good, good.

Leonard, are you crazy? This place looks like an earthquake hit it.

Shut up, lady.

Now, let's not accept any reason at all.

What was that?

Oh, that.

Well, see, that was the watch subway.

You heard the watch line?

That was it.

I didn't know Los Angeles had a subway.

Shh.

Yes, but we're trying to keep it a secret because we don't want no

Now, I'll accept any reasonable offer.

Well, I'll give you $11 ,000.

I was thinking more like $22 ,000, and I won't take a cent less than $22 ,000.

Come along, Mavis.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I lied. I lied. I'll accept.

I'll accept.

And here's the keys to the house.

And... Now, wait a minute, Leonard. This place is... I don't know. I wish you'd

reconsider this place. It's so ramshackle. Why don't you take this

ram it in your mouth?

Then it's all set. I'll meet you tomorrow at the escrow office. Now, may

the cab?

Leonard, why don't we just take the subway? Hey, that's a good idea,

Why don't y 'all take the subway? Right on out there. Take the subway. Where is

the nearest subway station in Stanford? Just walk east.

left in Philadelphia.

Yeah, son.

270 smackaroos from my once -in -a -lifetime earth -shaking eve of

sale. Not bad, eh?

Not bad. You sold all our merchandise for a third of what it's worth.

Change your mind, son. Come on to Las Vegas.

No.

Just for one day. Then you can come back after the disaster when it's safe. If

it's safe.

Come. Come back to what?

The house is in escrow.

And it will be in the ocean.

The house won't even be ours in ten days.

Come in.

Hold it right there.

I just had my rug cleaned. Get that mud off your feet.

Anything else?

Yeah, I just did my mirrors. Wipe that ugly off your face.

and then transgressing all your life.

If the Lord want to strike you down, he'll find you.

Even if he have to go to Las Vegas.

Well, he better not come to Las Vegas this weekend because Frank's not in town

and all the rooms are filled.

You know, Papa, Esther's right, man. When your time comes, it comes.

Earthquake or no earthquake.

Oh, glory!

Like the Bible says, there's a time to live and a time to die.

A time to sow and a time to reap.

And a time to shut up and a time to creep out.

I'm shutting up and I'm creeping out, you old heathen.

Well, son,

I better be going because I don't want to miss my bus.

Hey, Pop, can't I talk you out of it? I think you're acting foolish.

If your mother and I had known we won't have a son... Didn't know the difference

between careful and foolish.

We'd have been a little bit more careful that foolish night 35 years ago.

Bye. Come on, bye.

Come on, bye.

Oh, gone.

Lost again.

Gee.

Crap table.

21!

That's 23.

Whoa!

Hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

You're Mark Griffin, ain't you?

Yeah, yeah, I am. Can you hold my racket?

Hey, listen, you're Mark Griffin. You're the one that got that TV show that's

been on a long time.

Yeah.

Well, if you're Mark Griffin...

Looked like he'd have enough money to get a pair of pants to go all the way

to the floor.

I'm a sportsman. These are my tennis shorts.

Well, I'm a sportsman, too.

Yeah. Well, look.

Here's my polo shirt.

You want to see my jockey shorts?

I don't want to see your jockey shorts. These are some kind of nut.

What do you mean, nut?

I used to like you.

Got me?

Honey, wait a minute. Wait.

What is it? I mean, it's just a fountain.

Throw a coin in there.

What for?

That's Caesar's lucky wishing pond.

Boy, I can use some luck.

I'm just Steve. She's Edie.

I'm Fred G. Sanford.

I'm in antiques.

And you really look good in them.

Listen,

if you're ever in Los Angeles, feel free to call on me.

Thanks, but I'd rather use the phone.

Well, nice to see you, Freddy.

Uh -huh.

Bye. Bye, darling.

Yeah, Mr.

E .D., call me Steve.

Hey,

wait a minute, buddy.

I got 25 cents in there.

No, back out the way, man. I got $25.

Oh!

Look at that. That's my jackpot.

That's my jackpot there.

I have $25.

Well, maybe you need the money.

All right, all right.

Hello?

Oh, yeah, operator. I'll accept the charges.

Hi, Pop.

Hey, Lamont, I've been trying to reach you all night.

I know. I was out on a date. I just came in.

I was worried about you. How's the damage?

What damage?

There was no damage, Pop.

The earthquake didn't happen, man. The time is up. You can come home now.

Lamont, you sure the house is still standing?

I'm positive, Pop.

And you weren't killed?

No, I wasn't killed.

You're not just saying that to make me feel bad, are you?

Would you stop it?

Now get on the bus and come home.

I can't.

I don't have no fam.

I lost all my money.

Well, I don't know what to tell you, Pop. You took all the money we had here

the house to Vegas.

I know, I know, I know. Okay, bye, son.

Bye.

I ain't got no money to even try to get my money back.

I need a stake.

A nickel or a dime. I ain't got nothing.

A nickel or a dime, a quarter.

A quarter.

I know where I can get a quarter.

It's my own money.

going to jail.

Oh, Elizabeth, I'm coming to join you, honey.

I'll be the one that's wet.

Yeah, it's you, Pop. You look like you've been in an accident.

Worse. What could be worse than being in an accident?

Being on a chicken truck.

Well, I hate to say I told you so, Pop, but it's your own fault.

No, it's not. It's the Russians' fault.

They promised us something and didn't deliver. We should sue them.

For what?

Failure to deliver the quiver.

Why don't you just forget about it, Pop, and chalk it up to experience. And the

next time, don't believe... everything you read.

Yeah, third experience.

I sold all my merchandise for less than I paid for it, and I lost all my money

in Las Vegas, and I went to jail and dried out.

You were drunk?

No, no, no. It was three coins in the fountain, and I jumped in and got mine

of it.

And then I sold my house. I unsold it.

You what?

While you were gone, I called up the Johnsons, and I told them why you wanted

sell, and they said if we didn't give them the money back, they were going to

sue us for misrepresentation.

Seems that there's a law in this state against what you did.

Yeah, the old call them earthquake or subway law.

Hope you learned something from all of this. I did learn something, son. And

sorry that I said that you was crazy and that you was a dummy.

Because when you called those Johnsons back and got our house back, that was...

Why didn't you unload this turkey like I told you?

Why don't you call him Johnson's back?

And I'll sell him the house for $1 ,000.

Call him yourself.

Where you going?

Las Vegas.