Original subtitles

Are you sure, Doctor?

Yes, Lillian, quite sure. I just spoke to the hospital.

Thank you.

What will you do now?

What I've always done.

Smile through my tears.

Oh, Lillian, Lillian, Lillian.

Oh, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor.

Turn that off, please.

Say, why did you do that? I'm watching my favorite TV show, Death Valley

Hospital. It makes too much noise, Pop. Do you mind?

I sure feel sorry for Lillian.

I'm not kidding you.

Wednesday, she found out that her best friend ran away with her husband.

In Thursday, she found out her son had been arrested for stealing a car.

And then today, she found out that her daughter was pregnant.

and was living with a rock brute.

But she did get some good news.

The doctor gave her six months to live.

And that's the same married doctor that she's been having the illicit affair

with.

Hey, Papa, if you don't mind being a little more quiet, see, I got this

headache. Okay, but I don't know why they call these soap operas, because

they're filthy.

You know, I've got a headache, a real bad headache. I've had it for the last

days. Uh -oh.

Uh -oh? What do you mean, uh -oh?

That's what Lillian had last week.

All right, so I've got six months to live.

Well, that ain't too bad. It could be worse.

At least you're not pregnant.

Pop, would you stop talking about this damn soap opera? As a matter of fact,

just stop talking, period, all right?

Well, what did I do?

Nothing, but I've been trying to tell you, man, I've got a headache.

I mean, all I'm doing is just sitting here watching this sad TV show and

and enjoying myself.

Yeah, well, I'm out there all day working my tail off on the truck. Why

you clean this place up? Look at it. It's a mess. Paper scattered all over

floor. I bet your last night's dishes are still in the sink, right?

Right? Shh.

Remember, son, you're a headache.

I've had this headache for two days.

I'm going to the kitchen.

I'll take myself a headache pill.

Pop, do you know there's not a clean glass in the whole kitchen?

Hey, Pop.

What? There's not a clean glass in the whole kitchen.

I'll get you one. Oh, never mind.

I've had this headache for two days, man.

Well, listen, son, maybe I can diagnose your case.

What? I watched Dr. Wendt Woodfield on Death Valley Hospital all the time.

And maybe I can help you. Well, go ahead. I'd try anything to get rid of

headache. All right, then.

Well, would you get up on the table, miss?

What are you talking about?

Well, see, Dr.

Woodfield is a gynecologist.

You're fooling around, man. I thought you were serious. Now, just leave me

and let me get some shut -eye, and I'll probably feel better after the pills

start working, all right?

I'll be quiet as a mouse. All right. Since I had this headache, Pop, the

noise is magnified a hundred times. So try and cool it, all right?

Now that was sound.

Beautiful. Just start cleaning up here.

Well, you remember in Death Valley Hospital when Lillian got that headache

the doctor told him that he only had six months to live.

Oh, that's just something they tell them silly people so they tune in the next

day.

Oh, you're right, Fred.

Yeah. Let's wake Lamont up.

Well, why?

Because if he only got six months to live, it seems shame to waste him

Go ahead. You wake him up, and I'll stand here behind you. No, no, no, no,

No, no. He might get mad at me.

Well, he's already mad at me, so you wake him up, and I'll be right here.

Okay.

You look so cute.

I just can't resist.

Coochie, coochie, cooch!

Bertie, what are you doing? Just leave me alone, all right? I got a headache.

Let me get some rest over here. Oh, I'm sorry.

I'll go fix you a nice cup of hot tea tomorrow. Yeah, you do that.

Yes, son. And I'll call the doctor.

Hey, Pop, forget it, man.

Doctors don't make house calls. They will if it's an emergency.

A headache is not an emergency.

Not an emergency.

But what else is it? If you got a headache and can't go to work, you can't

work, you can't make no money, you can't make no money, I can't eat. If I can't

eat, my stomach's on the critical list.

All right, just do the suit yourself.

You know, maybe... I feel better. Yeah, well, there's one piece of roast beef in

the kitchen left over from last night.

Good. Cool, good, good. Roast beef.

Hello.

It's emergency service.

This is Fred Sanford.

Sanford, S -A -N -F -O -R -D, period.

Yeah, I got to get a doctor out of here right away to 9114 South Central Avenue.

Yeah. Who is my son?

His head is killing him.

you tell the woman I was two years old for? Because they move a little faster

when they're four kids.

I don't know, Fred.

Today is Wednesday, and that doctor might be out there on the golf course

somewhere. No, this ain't one of them highfalutin, high -class Beverly Hills

doctors. Well, where is he?

He's at the bowling alley.

Mr. Sanford? Yeah, Doc, you sure got in in a hurry. Well, luckily, I was in the

neighborhood. Where's the baby?

Right over here.

How long has he had the mustache?

Uh, since he was one.

Pretty big for two years old, isn't he?

Yeah, I used to give him that kind of bread that helps you grow eight ways.

Uh, what did it make, how old he is anyway?

Oh, it makes quite a difference.

I'm a pediatrician.

Oh, I'm Methodist, Mattel.

Hey, I'm terribly sorry about the mix -up, Doctor.

Well, as long as I'm here, maybe I can help.

All right, I hope so.

Now, where does it hurt, little fellow?

No, I just got a headache.

Well, let's have a look.

Maybe you can give him a pill.

Perhaps.

Would you hold this, please?

Wow.

Lucky you don't have to take two of these.

I'll get you a bucket of water.

Take a deep breath.

Again.

Once more.

It's all right.

All right, let's have a look inside.

Open the garage wide.

Say, ah.

All right, Tiger, go upstairs while I talk to Daddy.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. Now, would you stop all of this nonsense? I'm

a grown man, and you don't have to tell nothing to my daddy. You can tell me.

And before you close that bag, let me have a few of them lollipops.

What do you think, Doc?

Well, everything appears to be normal, physically, that is.

What is that supposed to mean?

Well, headaches can be caused by stress situations.

I'm a great believer in psychosomatic illness.

Doc, maybe you could help me.

Maybe you can help me a little bit. I've been having a little trouble. See, I've

been having them baby heart attacks.

Well, you need a baby heart specialist.

Here's what this is.

Betty. Hey, Doc.

Oh, Doc, wait a minute.

You forgot something.

So I said, hi, and Fred referring to hello and you as opposed to bye and

Dolores.

What are you talking about?

Well, I'm talking about a person arriving in another person's yard and

that person with the word hi followed by his first name to wit, hi, Fred.

Hi, Granny.

Oh, hi, Fred.

Say, Fred, how's the month?

You're not doing too good.

He's at the clinic now.

Oh, wow. That's been going on for two weeks. You'd think he'd be better by

Who's he seeing today?

He's seeing a psychiatrist.

And for goodness sake, Grady, don't say nothing to nobody.

All right, Fred. Now, wait a minute. You know I wouldn't say anything.

But that's nothing to be ashamed of.

We're all modern people, and we know that just because you see a

that doesn't mean that you're crazy.

That's right.

Yeah. Anyway, I'll see you a little later, Fred.

Lamont comes home, tell him that I said, hiya, cuckoo.

All right, Lamont, I think I see a pattern here. Oh, yeah? What is it?

never felt comfortable lying on that couch, have you? No, no, no, doctor, not

really. Why?

Is it my approach?

No, it's your cologne.

I see something I'd like to go with.

Oh, you found a cure for my headache? No, not a cure.

I found a cause, and that's the first step.

You know, find a cause, cure the cause, then the headache will cure itself.

Oh, great. Okay, lay it on me. What is it? Well, it's a pathological

resulting in repressed psychogenic malaise.

What does that mean?

You hate your father.

I hate my father.

No, that's dumb.

Hi, son. I thought I heard the truck.

Hey, Pop.

I love you.

I love you.

Hey, you better come on in the house and lie down.

Might have a touch of that fever.

No, no, nothing wrong with me. You all right? I'm fine, Pop.

Oh, I tell you.

Hey, how come you got your couch made up like a bed?

Well, I thought when you got home you'd be too sick to go upstairs.

Of course you did.

That's another thing I love about you, Pop, the concern that you feel for me. I

love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love

you, I love you.

Say, what's happening? You act like you've been hit by a sugar truck.

There's nothing wrong with me, Pop. Look at this. I feel great. You know, I went

down to the doctor, and he gave me a new lease on life. I feel fat. Look at

this.

Tennis, anyone?

Huh? Well, what else did the doctor say? I don't want to talk about it. I've got

a headache.

Continue,

please.

I can't say it. I'm so ashamed.

Oh, of course you can say it. We're so close to an answer. Go on, please.

Look, tell me.

What I say to you, is it going to be in the strictest of confidence?

It's in the strictness of confidence. This room is our kingdom of privacy

we can say and discuss our innermost thoughts and secrets.

All right, then. All right. I'll say it. All right. Good. The reason I don't

love my husband is... Yes?

Is... I love you!

That's nice, lady. Now get the hell out of here.

know what you've just done?

I'm sorry, Doc, but my son is more important to me than that lady. She was

almost at a breakthrough.

Breakthrough this.

Now, who are you?

I'm Fred G.

Sanford, and they told me downstairs that you, Doc, didn't talk to my son.

yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, I did.

Well, what did you tell him, Doc?

Exactly what do you mean? I mean, my son came home acting, you know, he was...

Well, exactly what did he say? He said, I love you. I love you. I love you.

I love you. I love you. Oh, Mr.

Sanford. Yeah.

Well, perhaps if I got to know you a little better, then perhaps I could help

your son.

Why don't you lie down on the couch?

I don't think I...

Mr. Sanford, just lie down on the couch. Now, see, I help people by getting them

to relax and see exactly what's on their mind. Now, go ahead. Lie down on the

couch.

Okay.

Now, I know this might seem a little bit strange to you. Relax.

But we have a way of getting people to relax by playing a word game.

Oh, you're going to play a game?

Yeah. I love games.

Did you ever play pin the mule's tail on Esther's face?

and you say the first thing that comes into your mind, all right? Okay, Doc.

Okay.

Esther.

Womp.

Telephone. Bill.

Love. Money.

Women. Where?

No.

I think that we should play something else. I think we should do it.

Let's see. Let's try.

some ink spots.

Ink spots?

Oh, sure.

And would I be sure that his heart could blow beyond some...

Mr. Sanford, Mr.

Sanford, I think, Mr.

Sanford, please, I think we should dispense with the game.

Mr. Sanford, would you lie down on the couch? Wait a minute, darling. Mr.

Sanford, would you please lie down on the couch?

Yes,

I did ask for the ink. I'm sorry. Would you lie down?

Let me just watch myself, Doc. I don't play that.

Would you try to relax? Uncross your legs.

Relax.

Will you relax?

Yeah, Doc, listen. Let me tell you. What is causing all my son's headaches?

Well, first of all, your son does not want to admit the first thing that's

causing the headache.

Well, what is it?

He hates you.

My son hates you.

Hey, let's go back to that word game again. All right. All right. Sit. He

hates

me. My own son hates me.

After I gave him the best years of my life, I ain't got nobody that cares for

me. You still got me, Fred.

He was just a baby. And he would cry.

And I'd tell his mother, I'd say, Elizabeth, get up and feed that boy.

I was a good father to him.

Then another time, he screamed and screamed.

And I almost broke my leg getting Elizabeth out the bed.

I mean, a good father to him.

Where did I go wrong, Brady?

Well, you made a few mistakes, Fred.

Tell me, tell me, Grady. No, you see, because you're not going to like

I say.

Well, that's okay. Just tell me. Well, first of all, Fred, you see, Lamont

you. He respects you, and he's a good son.

He works hard.

But on the other hand, I mean, you just don't treat him right.

I mean, you're always grouching and complaining.

You can't cook.

You keep the house messy.

Fred, you're right.

Fred, I mean, just deep down, low down, right into the core.

Now, Fred, take it from a friend who knows.

You take this from an enemy.

Oh, see, I told you you wouldn't come back in. No, no, just sit here.

Well, hi, Brady.

Oh, hi, Lamar. How you doing, Pop?

Hey, my handsome son.

Oh, fine, just fine.

Listen, I was just telling Grady here how much I worry about you. How about a

hot cup of coffee? Great, I'll get it.

No, no, no, you don't have to go get nothing. I'll get anything you want.

Grady, get Lamar a cup of coffee.

Son, sit right down there and relax, because you've been working hard on one.

know you must be exhausted.

Well, I am kind of tired.

Hey,

listen, after we have this coffee, I'll fix you a nice hot bath so the window

can steam all up.

And you can write some dirty words on there like you did when you was a kid.

Uh, no thanks, Papa. I just took a shower later on and go to bed early.

Well, I hope not too early, because I got a great dinner planned, too.

Yeah, I got prime rib of spare rib and coleslaw and canned sweet potatoes.

Oh. And guess what we'll be having for dessert? What?

Crocker Jacks.

And you can have the prize this time. That's great.

It's real nice, Papa.

It sounds like a good dinner. You need any help with it? Oh, no, no. I want you

to see that I get everything that you need done.

I'll have it done myself.

I'll do it.

Grady, get dinner started.

Right, yeah.

Thanks a lot, Grady. Right.

Hey, listen, after we finish dinner, we can sit here and watch TV while Grady

does the dishes.

Yeah. Just me and you sitting here, father and son togetherness.

Yeah, it sounds great.

Excuse me, you two, but I've got to run down to the supermarket and get

something extra special for dinner tonight.

And, you know, I just really enjoy being a father to Lamont. And, Lamont, I hope

you don't hate me as much as you hate your present father.

Bye.

Hey, Pop.

You went down to that doctor, and he told you everything he told me, didn't

Don't hate me, though, son.

Please, don't hate me. I mean, you can hate me if it helps you, but don't hate

me. Hate me.

You know what I mean? I don't know what I mean.

Pop, I don't hate you. I love you.

But I want you to hate me if it'll help your headache.

And I know you won't hate me when you hate me, but you'll just be hating me to

help your headache. And if you just try it, it might be good for you.

So hate me.

Would you just stop it? This is silly.

No, it's not silly if you say you hate me. That's all I want you to do. Just

you hate me.

Well... Say I hate you.

And I know you don't hate me.

But your head will feel better. Look, I'm not going to say I hate you because

don't hate you. I love you. Now, I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Now, why don't you just clean up this place?

Say you hate me. I'm not going to say it. Now, why don't you just clean up

place? It's a mess.

I can't stand it messy like this. I come home from work. I've been working hard

all day. I walk in here, and this place is messed. There's newspapers all over

the floor. The sink is full of dishes. And you know something else? When I come

in here and find that soap opera on, boy, that really makes me mad because I

cannot stand me.

Hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. No, that's not right. I love you, but...

My headache is gone.

It's gone. My headache is gone. You hate me.

No, no, I don't hate you. Don't you understand, Pop?

I don't hate you. I love you. It's just that I don't like certain things that

you do. And I had all of that bottled up inside of me. Oh, son, I'm so happy.

Now I know what happened to Lillian.

Lillian isn't going to die.

Dr. Woodfield is going to save her life.

He'll pull her through.

Listen, you get this house cleaned up because it's time for the show now.

Oh, I'm not going to sit up here and watch this show.

Boy, something sure smells good.

Morning, son. Excuse me, I've got to get upstairs to the beds.

Oh, hey, you fixed breakfast and it smells great and you've been down here

straightened out the living room already?

That's right, son.

That's the way you like it, so I'm going to make you happy.

Now, let me get to this bed. Oh, wait a minute, Pop. Why don't you stay down

here and have breakfast with me, man? You don't have to make up the beds now.

I'm not going to lay down again until tonight.

Well, you're not, but I am. That's the way I'm going.

It's just cleaning and dusting and cooking.

It's got my head aching.

Well, why don't you stop?

Because if I stop, then you have a headache.

Fred, I finished playing and cooking and dusting.

Is there anything else you want me to do for Lamont?

Who will next speak for the further adventures of Sanford and Son?

Will Lamont leave home?

Will Fred clean up the house?

Will you be quiet?

Lamont, Lamont, Lamont, help.