Original subtitles

Gas bill.

Light bill.

Light bill.

Telephone bill.

Light bill.

Telephone bill.

Jet.

The Steinmetz Collection, 80.

Yes, sir.

Your overdue account has been referred to us by several companies.

Undoubtedly, you have been throwing your bills away.

Oh,

my goodness.

Gee whiz, I must have overlooked these bills.

See, it's the first of the month again.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, uh, are you ready?

Ready for what?

Ready to watch Wheel and Dealer. You invited me over, remember?

And I even went and got a little refreshments.

I got some red and some white.

Here's some red.

And some popcorn.

Yeah, well, turn on the TV, Brady. Maybe it'll cheer me up.

Okie dokie.

unusual. The program that picks its contestants right out of the studio

and gives them a chance to win the most expensive prizes in the world. In the

world, Fred, in the world.

Who's going to win the quadraphonic stereo?

Who? Who's going to win the speedboat?

Who? Who's going to win that trip to Italy?

Who? Who, Fred, who?

Who? Who?

Not you, Al.

That's why. Well, it doesn't bother me.

I go home every night and dream that I won me a speedboat and

I'm going down the river with the speedboat and the stereo playing on my

way to Rome or Italy.

Grady, Rome isn't Italy.

Wow. Well, now is the time to go.

It's Lamont's birthday.

And I don't want to hear nothing about all them presents like that because I

want to get him something nice. You know what I mean?

Well, Fred, what about two years ago when you registered his name at the 31

Flavors and they gave him a free Tutti Frutti? Now, that was nice.

What do you say, Fred?

Fred is worried, Bubba, that he can't get Lamar something nice for his

What happened? Did they run out of Tutti Frutti?

Listen, Bubba.

Will you do me a favor?

Yeah, anything, Fred.

Listen, I got a turkey in the oven.

Yeah? Lay down next to it.

We're missing will and deal. It's almost over now.

Oh, forget about that.

Hey, if you want to see that show, I can get you tickets.

Shut up, Bubba. Now, don't you know Fred by now?

If he doesn't want to sit here and watch it on the television, you know he

doesn't want to go down there and watch it in person.

Now, just use your head, Bubba.

Yeah, Bubba, I think I want to go down there.

Now, that's using your head.

See, I can go down there and win some presents for Lamar.

My cousin was supposed to go, but her baby's due any time now.

We can use her tickets. They're good tomorrow night.

Hey, that'd be perfect, Bubba.

We could go on down there, and then three of us would go down, and anything

win, we could give it to Lamont for his birthday present. Yeah.

Oh, oh, oh, Fred, I can't go.

I don't have a costume.

Hey, Grady's right, Fred.

You know, if we want to be picked, we're going to have to be dressed in

something real crazy and weird.

for a speedboat and a refrigerator and a trip to Italy where I can sit with my

spaghetti and pasta time away.

Listen, uh, here's one thing we gotta get straight, though, Brady.

Whatever we win is for Lamont.

Oh, but Fred, I wanted to go to Rome so I could be with Gina under the bridge of

the... Hey, listen.

That's Lamont coming down. Now, don't you say nothing about this. We're going

keep it a secret from him, yeah? Okay. Hey, I tell you what we're going to do.

We're going to sneak out the back, and we'll meet you down at the costume place

over on Melrose, okay?

Okay. That's a good idea.

Come on.

Simon and Pop.

Hey, Simon.

What's happening, Pop?

World War III.

World War III.

Yeah, why else would they let you out of jail?

Hey, man, right now, Porn Rallo, Papi's been helping me all day to arrange

things for my birthday party, man, and I'd appreciate it. Birthday?

No kidding.

It's your birthday.

Well, I'll be doggone. You're having a birthday. Come on, man. You know

tomorrow's my birthday, Papi. And remember, you promised that you was

bring the decorations and the food and the liquor.

Your birthday.

My, how time flies.

Seems like only last year it was your birthday.

It fell on your birthday.

It's my birthday party and I... You know, decorations.

You know, booms.

You know, fool, what kind of party is this going to be?

Hey, Pop, would you get in here?

Ain't no decorations and no booze and no food.

Oh,

Lamont, you look

so handsome.

Thank you, Ernest.

Hey, Lamont. Huh? I would like for you to meet Brenda, my man.

Uh... Hi.

Hello, Lamont.

Hi.

Say, man, where's all the party decoration and where's your old man?

Hi.

Huh? Uh, he, uh... Can I get anybody anything?

Oh, sure. I'm starved. I'd give anything, anything for an enderman to

I'll kill him.

I'll give you $200 if it's a wig.

You will?

Here's your $200. Congratulations.

My, my, what a good -looking group we've got to trade with today.

Look here, Harry.

You, sir, would you stand up, please, and give us your name?

My name is Leif Erickson, and I'm a Viking.

Okay, Viking, look. You see what I have in my hand here? Two, three, four, five

brand -new... $100 bill.

Of course it's here. Why do you think I'm staying here drooling?

And I'll give them all to you if you have a tube of lipstick.

A tube of lipstick?

What would I do with a tube of lipstick?

See?

See?

The guy down at the costume place told me to wear this underneath all this

or else it'll turn my chest green.

I'm sorry, Viking, and you're hurting my wrist.

Wait a minute now, Harry. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I gotta win something.

Come on now. Look, my buddies must have got lost or something, but they should

be here most any time now.

Look, Viking, I'll give you a dollar if you put your bra back on and sit down.

What lovely young couple did we pick here?

Oh, hi, Harry.

I'm Cinderella.

And I'm a blonde, and if you touch my wand, I'll give you a big kiss.

And who are you?

I'm Fred G. Sanford, and G is for gorilla.

Are you comfortable in that thing?

Are you getting comfortable?

You ever try to go to the bathroom in an ape suit?

I'm going to go outside and see if there's a mushroom up over this house,

because this is a bomb park.

Yeah, you're right, Rollo. There's no food, no liquor, no decorations.

No chopsticks, man.

And it's all my father's fault.

Oh, that's him now, I bet.

He's in a cab, too.

Oh, no, that is Dap Sugar Willie.

Hey, baby, what's happening?

You? Let me find it.

Take it back.

My man.

Hey, everybody.

Don't get up.

Hey, Dap, sugar, I want you to tell me... No names. No names, please.

If this party turns out to be as good as I think it should, I won't be able to

tell the man.

I don't know nobody.

Well, you got it, stranger.

That's cool.

Hey, wait and show me where the food's at. I'm starving.

There ain't no food at this party. You gotta be kidding.

You joking?

Don't fool me.

Come on, not even cooking.

Okay, fellas, let's play wheel and deal.

I have here for you, Fred, a large box.

Get the box. I'll take the girl.

Now, Fred, you remember this is for Lamont.

Oh, yeah, for Lamont. Well, I'll take it Sunday the weekend.

won't tell you, Fred, what's inside the box, but the clue is fun every night.

The clue just walked off.

Now, Fred, you can keep what's inside the box or you can wheel and deal for

what's behind curtain number one, and that clue is air.

It's up to you, Fred.

Air. Air and curtain.

Curtain and air.

Breath. Breath. Bad breath.

A year's supply of mouthwash.

No, no. No, no, no, no, Brett. You take the box. The box.

You sure, Grady? I'm positive, Brett. It's the box. The box.

I'll take the box. The box is yours. But before we show you what you've got in

the box, let's see what you turned down behind curtain number one.

A brand new...

I can see him now parked up there on Mull Island Drive with a pretty girl and

kissing her.

Then if it got cloudy, he could put the top up so it couldn't rain on his beret.

I'm so sorry, Fred. I'm sorry.

Dumb blonde, you.

Now, Fred, let's see what you've won in the box.

Lindsay.

See what color the Walters are.

Oh, come on, Gritty. Help me carry this. Hey, hey, hold it, Fred. It's not over

yet. It's time now for your big wheeling deal.

Now you can keep the 21 -inch color television set or you can trade it in

what's behind curtain number two.

It's up to you, Fred G. Sanford.

Yeah, it's up to me.

because there could be a zonk behind that curtain. Yeah, yeah. See, and

likes TV, but you don't watch as much as I do.

I already got TV, but I might wind up with nothing, Grady.

I see TV in the curtain. No, no, no. Fred, Fred, Fred, you take the TV

that's what you wanted your whole life.

My whole life. I ain't even lived my whole life yet, Grady.

And besides, I got to get something nice for Lamont.

Hey, Grady, I'm going to take out the TV in the curtain.

Oh.

Listen.

What's behind that curtain there?

I can't tell you that. Tell me what? You what?

I can't tell you that.

What are you, a bigot?

It's up to you, and there's only one way to find out. What?

The box or the curtain.

Well, I ain't taking no chances.

Oh, hold on. Hold on. You can't go.

No, you keep the present, Brenda. I don't want it.

Why? Because I want the package that it comes in.

I'm not interested.

Not interested? I'm not interested, man. We was having a good time until you

came barging in here.

We was still having a good time, and everybody's happy, and Esther's smiling.

Only you can't tell it because her face is in front of me.

I don't want to hear any more of this, okay?

See, see, son?

Grady and... I said I don't want to hear about it. No, but see, we went down to

the TV station. I don't care about it. Would you stop it?

Now, just stop it, man. You just couldn't let me have one day out of the

to get attention for myself. You had to spoil it. You didn't even do what you

said you was going to do, Pop.

I don't want to hear nothing, man. You spoiled my birthday.

And now look what happened.

Everybody's leaving, man. Ain't nobody left at my party.

What have you got to say about that?

Well... Here's your present.

I don't want it. You keep it.

wrong, Cinderella.

I ruined my son's most important date, and I don't know what to do.

Cinderella, can I borrow your slipper?

What's it going to do with that, Fred?

I'm going to drink out of it. If that don't kill me, nothing will.

I'm all alone now.

It's all my fault.

Elizabeth, I'm coming to join you, honey.

I messed up my son's most important date.

I failed him.

Lamont, it's you.

Hey, Pop.

I want to talk to you about something.

Yeah, I know.

You're leaving.

No. I want to just ask you to send a few bucks to the caretaker so he can keep

the pigeons off my tombstone.

Look, Pop, I found the present that you gave me, and I opened it. You found it?

Yeah, and... After you fell asleep, Brady called me and told me why you did

you did.

Cinderella did that?

Yeah.

Well, I don't know why Brady don't mind his own business.

Look, and I apologize, Pop. I really feel awful, man.

That's okay, son. I forgive you. You know what?

What? You're a pretty mellow old dude, man. I'm lucky to have a father like

You mean that?

Yeah. You mean like Ozzy was to Ricky?

Shucks. Well, listen, let me see how that watch looks on you.

Oh, uh, I sold the watch, Pop.

You sold my present?

Yeah, man, a diamond watch is too fancy for me, see, so I sold it and I got a

cheaper one.

Plus, I had a few bucks left over. A few?

A few?

You must have had enough money left over to buy a... A new present for you?

A present?

A present for me? Mm -hmm.

That's my present? Yeah. Oh, you didn't have to get me nothing.

What is it? Let me see that.

It's a remote control switch for a brand new color television.

Hey, son, this is really nice. But what good is it without the television?

It used to be like giving head and shoulders to Isaac Hayes.

Stay tuned for the second half of Love of Living. Go inside and take a look,

Pop. Huh?

What?

No, you didn't.

You didn't give me a color television. Yeah.

Oh, son, I don't know what to say.

only that you're blocking the picture.

Oh, wow, look at that color tongue.

Hey, look, hit that button over there, and that changes the stations.

Hello, Lucy.

Hello, Johnny Green Giant.

Goodbye, Tiny Bowl.

And press that other button, Pop, and that turns it on and off.

I'm going to try to be a better father for you, son.

I mean it. And I'm going to even invite Aunt Sophia to watch TV with me. Really?

Yeah. And then I'm going to click this right in her face and see if I can

the way it looks.