Original subtitles

Hey, Pop, what are these newspapers doing all scattered all over the floor?

Uh, uh, I shampooed the rug.

You did not. You threw those papers on the floor trying to get to the comic

section.

Well, if you knew, why'd you ask me?

I didn't ask you to ask. I asked to tell you that I don't want these papers

scattered all over the floor.

Why don't you go in the kitchen and have your breakfast? That's a very good

idea.

There's no breakfast in there.

I know.

Then why'd you ask me if I wanted to eat?

I didn't ask you to ask.

I asked you to tell you there wasn't nothing in there to eat.

What's the matter with you, man?

Didn't you read the paper? No, what happened?

Look here.

Lucy stole Linus' blanket and hid it in Snoopy's doghouse.

I'm glad you told me. Now I won't have to watch the 11 o 'clock news.

I'll get it.

Hello? Oh, hey, Julio, what's happening?

Oh, look, did your sister and your nephew get here?

What, they did?

Well, sure, come right on over.

Oh, okay.

With your sister's nephew here in town?

Yeah, but he doesn't seem too happy about it. Well, you can't blame him.

Puerto Ricans.

Pop, why are you so prejudiced against Puerto Ricans? I'm not prejudiced.

It's just with me, it's America first, Watts second, Harlem third, and Puerto

Rico comes in somewhere around 19th or 20th, just before Beverly Hills.

Come in.

I've got trouble, man, and you are the only one that can help

me.

I'm the only one that can help you? That's right. Well, you're in bad

Say, what's the matter, Julio? Is there something wrong with your sister and

your nephew? Oh, man, yeah. You know I got two sisters, right? Yeah. Well, I

forgot that my older sister is allergic to goats, man. She can't stay in the

same house with Chico.

Oh, wow. That's a trap. Yeah, man. Not only is the house filled with the goats

running all over the place, man, but goat hair is all over, man. Oh. Yeah. So

poor sister, man, last night she couldn't sleep for one second, man.

exhausted.

So I was wondering, man. I mean, you know, maybe... Well, I mean, I know you

ain't got much room, but...

You think maybe just for one night, you know, so my sister and little boy could

sleep? Hey, man, we got plenty of room. Oh, man. No, we don't. No, we don't. All

our rooms are filled.

What? All our rooms are filled. With what? Hair.

And,

Julio, I'd appreciate it very much if you would leave because you're standing

the spot where some fresh air ought to be.

Oh, man. Hey, Julio, my home is your home, brother.

Thanks, Club Art. That's great, man. Listen, I'm going to be right back. It's

only going to be for one day. Thank you, man.

Let me tell you something. I'm only going to tell you this one time and one

only. I don't want any Puerto Ricans living in my house.

I understand that, Papa C. I don't want any Puerto Ricans living in this house.

I understand that, Papa C. I don't want any Puerto Ricans.

I know that part.

until I get the place cleaned up. And then what are you going to do with it?

I'll tell you, we're going to bury it.

I don't want no goats and no Puerto Ricans living in this house. Wait a

Wait a minute.

Julio, take the goat back to your house.

I knew I could count on you, son. And bring your family here. Up to zero.

Oh. What's the matter with you?

Oh, it's all right, son.

No, come on. Tell me what's wrong.

No, I don't want to bother you this time.

Really.

I got a rad disease, son.

The creeping kookarachas.

Yeah, really. See, it's a lot of blotches, but you can't see them because

they're up under my skin.

Why don't you stop? See, and they creep up under your skin. Uh -oh, there's one

that's creeping up around my wrist.

and moving my arm to my elbow.

Hold it.

Stay.

Stay. Now, boy.

Look, now, that's Julio and his sister and his nephew, Pop. Now, try and be

to him, okay? I'll do the best I can, son, but these creeping blocks is moving

from my elbow up to my shoulder, and my shoulder bone is connected to my brain

bone.

my sister Carlota, and her son Roberto.

It is indeed a pleasure.

Hello.

Y ahora este es el papá de mi amigo, Mr. Sanford. Mr. Sanford, I want you to say

hello to Carlota and her son Roberto.

Hey, Roberto, say hello to Lamont and Mr. Sanford. Hey, Roberto.

Hello, Mr.

Sanford.

Buenos tacos.

Hey,

you thought that was funny, huh?

You'll love this one.

Adios, bratos.

Mr. Julio, tell your sister Carlotta that I'm glad that she's here and my

is her home. Wow, that's nice. Carlotta, dice que aquí en esta casa tú puedes

estar como si estuviera en tu propia casa. Ah, sí.

Muchas gracias.

Thank you very much.

Oh,

no. No, no, no. No, no, look. No, you don't have to do that.

Listen, now you stay out of this.

This lady's a guest in my house.

Get those papers over there, honey.

Hey, Julio, tell your sister Carlotta that she doesn't have to do any cleaning

or cooking because my pop... See, he does all the housework. Tell them.

great. Mira. Mira.

Mira. Mira. Mira. Mira. Mira. Mira. Mira. Mira. Mira. Mira. Mira. Mira.

Mira. Mira. Mira. Mira. Mira.

Mira.

Mira.

Mira.

Mira.

In this house, you're the one.

it's supposed to smell like.

Eggs, onions, coffee, peppers, and butter.

Buenos tacos.

Hey, look at this pop. Carlotta's cleaned up the room and she's already

breakfast. What do you mean she cleaned up the room? Why are you jumping to the

conclusion that she cleaned up the room? Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Am I supposed

to assume that you came down in the middle of the night and straightened it

Or am I supposed to assume that the living room fairies came by and did it?

No, no, that would be too hard to swallow with this in your mouth.

Oh, buenos dias.

Yeah, bony knees to you.

Tea, please.

I hope you like the meal.

Oh, we'll love it. No, no.

No?

Hey, Pop, if you don't eat that, you're going to insult Carlotta.

My doctor's got me on a strict diet.

No garbage.

I've asked her to fix it, so don't expect me to eat it. Hey, man, why don't

dig yourself?

Hey, good morning, everybody.

Oh, no, another one.

Come on, Roberto. We've got to sign you up for school, man.

Say, how long are they going to be here?

Well, I don't know. I mean, Galota's husband is moving here, so I figure we

better get Roberto signed up in school right away. You know, they might be here

a long time. A long time? Here?

In this house?

Well... Oh, it would be a pleasure.

Hey, you really mean that, Mr. Sanford?

Certainly, I mean it. Hey, man, that's nice. As long as she cleans up the house

in Cooksville, Lamont, my house is yours.

So, since my house is yours, hurry and get to your windows and your floors.

Here you go, Pop. Here's something for the inventory.

Let's see.

One tire, no white wall.

Small hole in it.

Got about four miles left on it. Okay.

I'd say two bucks.

Wrong.

Here you go.

One custom -designed gorilla swing.

For your Aunt Esther. Twenty -five dollars.

All right. What about this?

Oh, let's see.

One tuba.

Two valves missing, one don't work.

It's made out of aluminum.

Let's lift it up, son. Let's see.

Oh,

gee. Here we go.

Reminiscent of John Philip Sousa.

One radio, 1940

vintage.

Let's see.

Hey, he's not here, Roberto, but come on over anyway, buddy.

Now, what's the matter, man?

Where's Uncle Julio?

Well, I think he was shopping with your mother, but how come you're not in

school? No, no school, no school. I hate the school. No more school.

Hey, man.

Hey, look.

Don't cry.

El cheapo and the brato.

Gracias.

It's all right. Listen, why don't you do something to take your mind off

Roberto, like the laundry?

The laundry?

Yeah, the laundry. See, whatever the problem is, Lamar will take care of it,

because he's smart.

He can answer every question on Hollywood Square.

Question? Ah, he had a pregunta.

Pregunta? No, you're thinking of the newlyweds.

See, when a woman get pregunta...

It's not right, Julio, but that's just the way it is, man.

What happened?

What happened?

Hold it.

Hold it. Now, we have to start speaking English here.

This is not the unemployment office, you know.

Now, what happened? Well, what happened is that Roberto...

can't speak English fast enough, so instead of keeping him in the fifth

where he belongs, they put him back to the fourth grade. I am not stupid. I do

not want to be in a class with babies. He's right, Lamont. I know that, but

that's the way the school system is here in L .A., Julio. The principal said if

the students can't keep up, they have to put them into a younger grade. I can

keep up. But not in English.

I'll get it.

Come in!

Oh, excuse me, but are you still open for business?

Of course we open the business. You see, I was looking for an old lamp.

Welcome to Lamp City.

Oh! Oh, this is just what I want.

Oh, is it for sale? My pop told me when I was a little kid, everything's got a

price. Meet my son, $25 .98.

Oh, my, you sound like quite a businessman.

Well, you know...

Think I own all this by being stupid, do you?

No, of course not.

Well, how much do you want for the lamp?

$20.

I beg your pardon?

$40.

I'll give you $20.

Sold. What'd you do?

You sold it? My lamp?

It is the lamp I stole with the knife.

What does he mean with the lamp? You want me to be a doctor?

I had no teeth to eat with.

Well, surely there are other lamps in this house that you can use.

They are no good.

This one is the right one.

Roberto, cierra la boca.

You know, that's pretty smart of you, jacking up the price like that. You're

nice, amigo. Give me five.

You know, you got a good head on your shoulder.

You want to see it on the floor?

Hello.

Yeah.

Huh? Just a moment.

It's for you, senor.

For me?

Yeah, and talk fast, yeah?

Because I don't like my phone hung up while I'm doing this work.

Yes?

Uh, wait, please, too fast.

One moment.

Can you stand for, please?

What? It's the school where is Berto. I do not understand.

Hello.

Oh, that was the boy's Puerto Rican mother and my personal secretary.

Oh, yeah?

All right, I'll send over.

What is wrong? Is Berto hurt?

No, he's just been suspended.

Suspended? What is suspended?

Thrown out.

Kicked out.

Adios from school.

My verso?

Yes. You'll have to go over there.

Go? I don't know how to go.

Senor Samford. Please, don't get no chili on my shirt.

What did I say? I don't know how to go. Senor Samford, you will take me? Please.

Now? Yes, now, please.

No, I got to finish this work, and then I got to do some things in the kitchen.

Please. And after that, I got to look in here and see what dear Abby said about

teenage petting.

Okay, then. Get your coat and get your hat.

Leave your worries on the doorstep.

Very good.

Ask them to come in.

Your mother and a Mr. Sanford are here.

Why you call them? I know how to go home.

We can't send you home without a parent.

What is she saying?

What am I saying?

I don't know who you think I am, but I don't know.

What happened now?

What happened? What did the kid do?

He simply refuses to go into the fourth grade. He insists he's smarter than the

fourth graders, which I have no reason to doubt.

But, well, because of the language barrier, he can't keep up with the fifth

grade. What did he say, Senor Soundforth? He said, Roberto el Dumbo. I

I said the teacher is unable to teach him.

See, Principal O says El Ticho is the Dumbo.

No, I didn't. Well, listen, if the teacher can't teach him, then you should

her back in the fourth grade.

Mr. Sanford, most of our teachers don't speak Spanish, and the government won't

provide funds to hire extra teachers who do. It's unfortunate, really, because

in the younger grades, many of our children are Spanish -speaking.

Well, that's stupid.

Here's a kid who speaks two languages. He's smarter than the teachers, and he

can also sell lamps.

Well, why doesn't the government provide funds for this?

I don't know. I imagine they have other things they consider to be more

important. Now, what's more important than giving a kid a real good education?

Mr. Sanford, I respect what you're saying, and believe me, I wish I could

something to keep Roberto in the fifth grade.

Well, you can.

Why don't you stay out of school and tutor him?

Mr. Sanford, I can't do that. I'm the principal.

Forget about the principal and take a little interest.

This kid needs help.

All right.

All right, Mr. Sanford, I'll do it. Right.

Mr.

Sanford, you're quite a man.

And you're an asset to this community.

You too. You too. Listen, if you ever want a piece of junk, stop by my place

pick out what you want.

Thank you very much.

Preferably a tall Puerto Rican named Julio.

Go ahead.

Ask me that question again.

Johnny has four apples.

And Mary has three bananas.

Johnny gives two of his apples to Mary.

Here, Mary.

Mary gives one banana to Johnny and eats two herself.

Well, so long, Pop.

So long, son.

I'll be leaving in a few minutes myself.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, look, don't forget now. Kalala invited us over for dinner tonight.

Oh, I won't forget. Okay.

I wish you'd tell me more about that job that you got down to school.

Oh, well, it's just a little job where I help the kids on a daily basis.

Well, with what?

Well, I mean, you know, leading them in the straight and narrow and pointing

them in the right direction.

And they pay you for that?

Well, not much. It's helping the kids that's more important.

You know what, Pop?

I'm proud of you, man.

I'll see you later. Okay, son.