Original subtitles

Hey, Hoyle!

Honey! Is that the new lemon sarsaparilla soda?

Yeah, Mr. Cartwright was just doing a new... What's wrong?

Lyra?

Wake up.

Come on. Ow.

Giddy up.

What happened?

I don't know. It was like you caught the vapors or something.

Like a girl. You know, it was like you were walking. What do you mean, like a

girl? Like a girl on her debutante night or something. I think men can have the

vapors. Well, how you feeling, little lady?

Oh, I think I saw an apparition.

I saw my wife, my deceased wife, Myra, clear as day, right over your shoulder.

Your dead wife appeared behind me. Yeah, she looked straight into my soul, and

she said, hoy.

Hoy, like ahoy?

We were married two years. She never could pronounce my last name. OK, OK.

is not good. I think you are losing your mind.

I'm telling you, honey, I think it's a sign.

I think somehow she came back from beyond the universe to say, it's OK,

hoy.

It's OK.

You can move on.

That's what you think.

I am hereby with every fiber of my bone, all of my sinew,

everything, the marrow inside of my bone, if I can take it out and pour it

a shot glass and offer it to you as a drink, you would know that every part of

me is asking you for the last time,

Honey Shaw, will you marry me?

I will think about it.

All right.

Oh, yeah.

Wanda, don't you have an appointment?

Oh, I just did.

That one was real quick. Just whoop, in and out.

Why don't we all get a room together, you guys?

Get us a room and we'll meet you inside. Yeah. All right, I'll just... Yep.

All right. Yep.

See you up there. I'll see you guys in a bit. Okay.

Ira? You

still drink the

same?

I must be going crazy.

You're dead.

That's... Because I saw you.

I know.

How is it true?

Who? Myra, or should I say Belle?

Belle. You never told me about your past.

Myra is my birth name. I didn't lie to you about that. Your daughter Pearl

here. I met her.

Oh, okay, you don't.

Oh.

I have a little bit of a cold.

Okay.

What happened? I didn't mean to deceive you, as you probably have read in my

dime novels. I...

I had a little bit of a rough upbringing, but I served my time,

moved to Cambridge to start clean. I didn't want to be an outlaw forever.

There's no kind of life for a lady.

Well, my past caught up with me. But how did you die, Myra? How did you die? Or

not die?

What happened?

It was a rainy night in Cambridge. I'll never forget. In that boarding house.

so you can rest up, not be up all night. Bye. Good night, carers.

Myra? Yes?

What am I not holding? A baby.

No, not a baby!

A map.

No! A burglar. No!

Trance. It runs with ginger baths. A cinder blast. No!

I eat it every night before I go to bed!

Ginger snaps! Yes!

I won! I won! No, you lost, Myra!

I need to eat my ginger snaps!

acted like that. Not once. Really? And yes, I do like ginger snaps, but I don't

go act like a little baby for it. I just was looking for ginger snaps.

We're out of ginger snaps again?

No. It's my fault. I should have gotten some earlier this week. I was right over

there. You know what? Just so I don't have to hear that, I'll be more than

happy. Please let me go get your ginger snaps. I will not let a woman go by

herself alone. I will do it.

never happened.

Yes, it did. That's exactly how it happened.

Okay, maybe sometimes you went to get it, but on this night, I was not going

let you go. Okay.

You ordered me to stay.

Fine. Okay.

You better stay.

You're going to stay right here, and I'm going to go get your ginger snap.

Myra, I am not comfortable with this.

Are you going to let me tell the story or not? This is my story.

Fine. So I go downstairs, and that's when I run into widows, shall we?

Evening, Widow Shumway. Oh, Myra. Hello.

What a nasty night.

Yes, but I'm game.

I'm going out there. I'm going to Wilbur's to the General Store. I'm going

the General Store. Are you? Yes. As you can hear, Hoy is very upset. He's out of

gingers now. Oh, I'm happy to pick them up for you. Oh, are you sure? Yes.

At least pick my warm velveteen cloak. That is lovely of you.

There you go. Yes. I gave her that beautiful velveteen cloak that you gave

You can head it out the door.

I heard two shots.

I looked outside.

And nowhere did this devil carry her.

It just ran over Widow's stomach skull. It was just this horrible crushing

sound.

I thought Cole Younger.

I did some quick thinking. I knew that no one would recognize her.

And that is when I knew.

I had to fake my own death and just get out of there.

I've just been living for years in the shadows.

I heard a rumor that a great sheriff wounded Cole Younger to the point that

was almost dead. And that's when I saw... You're the sheriff.

I'm sorry I'm late. I was thinking about your proposal.

Who the hell is this?

My dead wife.

This is... My 8 o 'clock fornication appointment.

And possible... Fiance.

Well, this looks delicious.

What a feast.

No appetite, Miss Pearl?

No. You always ate like a bird.

Well, this is fun.

Meeting all of Poi's friends.

Well, Belle, it is my pleasure, and I do want to say that I did wash my hands

before making the greens this time. Oh, that's good news, because I don't know

about any of you guys, but I had the backdoor troughs for like a week.

And may I say, Mr., it's just an honor to have you here. I have spent a fair

time with some corpses, you know.

I do. And you are by far the most attractive.

Thank you. That is so kind. Thank you, Shane.

So where have you been for two years? You know, you die, and then now you just

show up.

I'm sorry, but Cole Younger was after your mother. You want her to come out

get killed?

So let me get this straight, Belle.

Mm -hmm.

You faked your own death.

That's right. You left your husband and ran off with Sam Starr. Well, let's just

say that when Hoy and I were together, he was more of an intellectual. I needed

some manpower and...

There might not be a lot of love between Sam Starr and I, but we do share one

thing in common. A deep, deep hatred for Cole Younger.

So we've been hunting him down for all these years, and we finally heard that

was dying in jail. Yep, he's in there right now, suffering from wounds, but it

doesn't look good. There's some weird, viscous white stuff coming out of his

ears. You know what?

I'm not buying any of your story.

And I don't even think you're still married to Hoyle, because you're dead.

I married him as Myra Maybel Shirley, and we are in love.

I'm just glad I'm back in town. Clearly, he'd gotten a little bit touched while

I'm gone if he would spend his time with a whore.

He got a lot touched by this whore. He loved it, and he was getting ready to

marry me. Oh, I'd like to see that. That would be just a laugh. Well, you have

to stick around and tell him. You'll see me take that risk. Okay, okay, okay,

ladies. All right, all right, all right. Just a minute.

No, no, no.

Okay. This? No.

No, please.

I beg of you. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah.

Get out of the way, Hoyle. Get out of the way, Hoyle. You see this blade?

You are going to sit on it, slide down it, and spin around three times until

your regime looks like an alligator jaw.

You're like the Chupacabra on your underpants.

Huh? What's a chupacabra? It's a mythical beast. It's kind of half goat

vampire in Mexico. So it's bad.

Yeah. Stay low!

Swat! Harry!

Swat! Harry!

I got a gun. You want me to shoot someone?

Who are you going to shoot, Eli?

Which woman that I love are you going to kill?

Get her in the cooter!

Go! Boat to the coot! Boat to the coot! Come on, honey.

Get her in the face!

Hey, yo, this is between mother and daughter. Really?

You're all mother?

Yes, my own mother. Oh, I'm getting you next, girl.

thought you weren't gonna come hey listen i'm really sorry about what

at your party but i just wanted you to know that she started it and um i was

simply reacting in the moment and you know i you know i just i start seeing

and you know i know you i i brought your uh woman thing that she cut off your

thank you for returning that to me maybe you could throw that onto my skirt

after i give you a thank you freebie for being so understanding about my Bad

party behavior?

Well, there's something I got to tell you, honey.

Honey, Belle doesn't want me to continue our 8 o 'clock fornications.

And more importantly, everything else.

Are you really buying what she's selling, Hoyle? I have no reason to

And more importantly, and this trumps everything, she's my wife, honey. Well,

almost was your wife.

I know. I wish you'd said yes.

Okay. Okay. Well, that... I guess we had really run our course.

Bye, honey.

Don't let the door hit you in your ass on the way out.

Oh, and can you do me a favor? Can you walk downstairs and see if you see Earl

and tell him that I'll be ready early?

Clay Tidwell, please meet Belle Starr, my dead wife. Belle Starr, please meet

Clay Tidwell, the town homosexual and school teacher.

Ooh, homosexuals love me.

What can I do for you, Sheriff? We need Clay Tidwell, the lawyer. We have a

legal question. Well, I don't do that anymore, so good day. I'm sorry to

disappoint you. Good day. Clay, I hate to impose, but you wouldn't be here.

If I didn't testify upon your behalf, because after you pulled a gun and fired

upon a lawman, I think you might owe me a favor or two.

You have one favor. Sit down. What do you want?

Until recently, I thought my wife was dead. Now she's alive.

Are we still married?

This is definitely her.

Absolutely. She has a series of moles and a certain constellation.

Which one?

Sagittarius. It's right above her right buttock. I was born in December.

She also has a birthmark of Ireland.

When she stretches it just right, it's amazing. You could dock a ship using it.

I'm going to give you an answer now.

She was never dead. She's always been alive.

You never ended the marriage. You're still married.

I know that bitch is up to something.

You followed her to Hoyum. I was on her like a raccoon on...

on its prey wanders around town she doesn't know you she's gonna know you

pretty neat it's pretty neat why are you being so nice to her listen you just

don't blame me because she came in like a hawk and swooped your man up you blew

it it was the first bad blow you've ever given there are some other

complications

We have yet to consummate the marriage. Well, that's because I don't want to be

anywhere near a man's nether carriage that has been ridden by the town horde.

Hey, it's closed.

Honey's vagina is clean.

It's pristine. You could get two eggs, cook them sunny side up, place the

side, the top side, on the vagina.

You mean the yolk side? Yeah, the yolk side. It'll break the yolk.

and then immediately get down there and slurp it all up before it runs into all

the crevices and everything.

Really had a clear mental picture. You could take two pieces of bacon and stick

them to her nipples so that you could turn her into sort of a breakfast

Oh, okay.

You know what? You're right.

You're so right, Wanda. Like, I screwed this up.

I always thought he would...

Be hanging around me, you know. Honey, let me get an ale for myself and a

whiskey skin for Asheville. Vernon, I don't have time for you right now. Take

care of yourself. Yeah.

You know, there were other problems that ricocheted off this. Some damages in

the mother and daughter relationship.

And that's why I've invited Pearl.

I thought that we should air out some differences because if I'm going to be

effective stepfather.

I need the communication to flow right through me in one ear, out the other,

back and forth. Like an earwig.

There was nothing of suspect that you saw this woman do?

No, I mean, nothing really. She would write stuff in this little book every

and then, but like, other than that.

Wait, hold up. What do you mean she'd write stuff in a book? She just had this

little book she carried around and whenever something struck her, she would

write.

Something in there. Like something you'd keep private to yourself?

Like some sort of depraved woman might do if she had some sort of evil master

plan. Yeah, maybe.

Honey, getting mighty parched.

Shank, mighty private convo. Let the men talk!

Why are we talking about my problems when clearly the problems are on the

side over here? You need me around. I'm gone for two years and you marry the

dumbest bag of rocks in the West? He doesn't have... to talk he's a man it's

good point but but he does he does have the blind buttock he can take two

carrots and put one under each buttock and walk around and they'll stay put

right under the walk around i would like to see that me too what about we take

that key that i have to foil and let ourselves in and take a little gander at

that little private book that's i would be game for that if i make it any easier

i could get it myself i could just

Shut up, woman!

It's the last time!

Cheers. Cheers.

Let's go.

I just feel like at this point, if we can't find any carrots in town, then my

apologies, but I'm not sure why he's here.

Whoa! Whoa!

You don't want to answer that. I agree with her.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Congratulations, you're a normal family.

Thank you, Clay. You're welcome. Would you mind if we had just a session, just

the two of us? I would mind. I have some other issues.

All right.

We're looking for a journal.

Nice play.

Look at all this stuff.

Honey. What?

What is that? Oh, that's a shuttlecock.

Whose cock?

Stop looking at this sporting equipment and look for a diary.

Oh, this is probably taking you on a nice ride.

I'm looking upstairs.

Oh,

he's got a hamster.

Oh, hello.

Oh, look, you're cute.

Oh, Tinkerbell.

Ah! What happened?

I stubbed my toe.

I got it, Wanda!

Get it! I got it. All right. Oh, shit.

Time to read an hour.

Here we go.

I'm on fire today.

Oh. Tell me your secret, Bellstar.

Oh, in the bar, I told a boy that he...

Fuck off.

Honey, what the heck are you doing?

Um, I came to feed Tinkerbell.

That's my diary.

Honey, why don't you just go through her intimates drawer and put them on your

head and parade them around town?

Because that's what you're doing by reading her diary.

Yeah, you could do that real good.

What, would you like a replay of the other day? Okay, okay, okay. Ladies,

ladies, ladies. Hold up, Wyatt.

Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it.

My God, look at you.

My whore -ish girlfriend and my dead wife going at each other like coyotes.

Stop it!

I'm doing this to protect you, Hoyle. I know that you're up to no good,

Bellstar. I see the way her eyes dart left, right, left, and I am gonna expose

you to Hoyle. Honey, stop.

Stop that.

My dreams have come true, ding, ding, ding, ding, now that I have been

with the love of my life. That's sweet. Well, that, okay.

John Henry is back in my arms again, and while I know I don't deserve it, mm

-hmm, after all I've put this man through, mm -hmm, I don't care.

I will enjoy his kind caress and the company of his dear friends as I attempt

make Great Ben my home.

Thank you, Wanda. I love the people here, in particular the charming Wanda.

From the saloon, who seems to be everywhere that I go.

I had so much fun with you.

I did, too. Thank you.

Well, I guess that's all that takes.

I have appointments to get to.

Pardon me.

I say I'm star.

Ooh, I felt star. Oh, baby.

I brought you a present.

What you got for me? I snuck into the records office.

I got a map of Great Bend.

Ooh, you're going to like this.

You're doomed, Great Bend.

You are doomed, Great Bend.