All language subtitles for Quick Draw s02e04 The Grasshopper Plague

There, my friend, is what killed your
uncle.

Swallowed a grasshopper. Yeah, he
inhaled it. It's more likely.

Okay, inhaled the grasshopper. Here's my
theory.

All right.

He panicked. A horde of grasshoppers
came in. See,

the chickens didn't panic. Emily didn't
panic. He panicked. And when those

grasshoppers came in, it went through
every orifice of his body. See? See how

there's two up his nose, one in his ear?
Every orifice. He was... Filled by

grasshoppers. Filled and then killed.

Filled and killed.

So it's like your uncle gave you a nice
wedding gift, Eli.

You're the last in the brocious line.

You just became a farmer.

All of this, everything you see, is all
yours.

This,

ah, this is your new best friend.

You think Pearl would like to live on
here?

Can you imagine if you were really that
obtuse?

Come on, let's go.

These birds are freaking me out.

There she is.

There's my stepdaughter.

This is a very proud moment for a
father, stepfather.

There he is.

Who's this?

My husband. Your husband.

Who's this over here?

That's my wife.

Uh -huh.

Anyway, I just want you to know that I
support what the two of you are doing.

And if that leads to babies, no
pressure.

But I'd love to be a grandfather.

Well, as soon as we can make that
happen, we will make that happen. Or

we'll be really busy.

Well, with the infant mortality rate,
chances are it's going to take a few

tries, like quite a few, like in the
teens.

Can't wait.

Once you recover from the grasshopper
plague, everything should be fine.

Yeah, they say around town that that's
an act of God. We're not supposed to be

this far west.

But, no, God doesn't bring grasshoppers
in to wipe us out because he hates us.

God loves all of us.

Unless you don't believe in Jesus, then
God hates you. Except when you're a Jew,

he does.

especially if you don't love Jesus. If
you're a Jew and you love Jesus, then

hates you for that.

Very simple, unless you're Buddhist.

Then it's about finding the nothingness
that's in the universe.

But that's not God. God is everything.

Nothing is nothing, and everything is
everything.

So what you're saying is there's no God?

Personally, yes. I feel that there's
absolutely no God. But I don't say that

God because I'm Jewish and if there is
an afterlife, I want to hedge my bet.

I'm saying to you is that God would not
bring grasshopper plagues upon us

because he hates us. I say to God, God,
if you hate the town of Great Bend, may

you strike us dead right now.

You know, this has been happening more
and more.

People have been shooting at me all week
long.

Why are they shooting at you? Well, it
has nothing to do with God hating us.

I'll tell you that much.

But to be honest with you, I don't
really know.

The good news is I got him. The chances
of another criminal trying to kill me

today, very slim.

at me, everybody.

Excuse me. I got to find out what's
going on.

Ah.

Everybody.

Uh -uh. No, no.

Right back out the door, Hoyle.
Everywhere you go, men are dying.

Well, people are shooting at me,
granted, but I think it's just, it's

coincidence. Get out!

What? She said get out! First we got the
grasshoppers come in, and then

everybody's dying around you. I don't
even want to wait for what's going to

happen next. I just don't want to be
around you. You're losing it, Tidwell.

There is no connection between the
grasshoppers and the people trying to

the sheriff.

I beg to differ.

What? I taunt him.

God is here. Send somebody to strike
right now.

Pile!

I rest my case. He called it. Keeps
happening. Bingo. Would you stop it?

This is a sign. This is a sign.

Mexican silver dollar.

And a picture.

I know what that is. My great granddaddy
who was in the Cosa Nostra.

What? They put out a bounty on you. They
make up all these little pictures and

they give them out to hundreds of
people. And then everyone, they come

until you're dead.

Wait, you're saying that there's been a
bounty set out on my head and people are

trying to kill me? Yeah, that is exactly
what I said.

You better just cut a path and get out
of here. Please, get out. No, this is

like being struck by lightning. The
chances of another one happening now,

very, one in a million. Stop saying
that, because every time you do, someone

on the ground. God, I dare you to try to
shoot me right now.

Oh, Kenwell! See?

It's still happening. Get out of here!
Get a wiggle on, Hoyle! All right, all

right! One shot! Okay, I'll hide out a
couple of days.

Eli, I want to thank you for letting me,
you know, sort of escape the mayhem in

town. I don't know why strangers are
taking shots at me. Hey.

I appreciate you coming out here.

Emily's been acting up. She's been
moving around and complaining.

Fortunately, you have the right man here
helping you out because I took a few

courses in animal husbandry at Harvard.
They were C -level graduate study

courses, but I decided to go in and
audit. And by the looks of things, mm

mm -hmm, yep, we've got a pregnant pig
here. So here's what I need. Some

water. I want a little bit of whiskey.

Give me eight feet of rope.

Get my hat, but don't bring it in here.
Just leave it on the kitchen because I

can't find it.

And an apple for me because I need some
energy.

We're going to have some piglets.

Man, it is quiet out here.

Yep.

How many?

Is there any way to know?

Oh,

wait a second. I'm in the anus.

Just a second. Let me try again here.

Okay, there we go.

There's a piglet. Oh, you know what? I
should have washed my hands after the

anus before the vagina.

Uh -oh.

Put your hand down in here. Okay.

Here, put it way in. Way in. Way in. Way
in. You feel that?

Yeah. That's my hand, so don't feel
that. Okay. There. Now, you feel that?

Look at that.

That is the penis of your first baby
piglet. Oh.

And then you feel that?

Yeah. That's a tiny little bit, JJ.

Look, Pearl, I know it can't be easy out
here, but just think, a few more weeks,

get Eli all settled in out here, and
you'll be able to come back to whoring

time. And then the good times will start
rolling.

The funny thing is, Eli doesn't want me
to whore at all. He wants me to be a

farm girl.

Well, doesn't Eli realize that your
whoring is what's paying down the debt

his farm?

No, I can't tell him that. Why not?

That's the equivalent of just cutting
his balls off. Well, you should cut his

balls off. That's what I did with Hoyle.

You see the way that man operates?

Mm -hmm. I've got his ball right here
tucked away.

Okay. Oh, yeah. All right. Sorry, Emily.
See,

this is the nectar of life.

This is what binds us, what connects us.
We all come from the same ooze. Yes!

And speaking of which, you know, imagine
all the fluid inside Pearl.

All the people that she's made happy.
Doesn't he realize you've been whoring

part -time since you've been out here
with him?

Nope.

Oh. So you're already planting the first
seeds of lies in your marriage, huh?

I guess.

Atta girl.

I'll tell you something, Pearl. I've had
a lot of men come and go out of my

room, and they have told me the secrets
to a good marriage are just a

carefully...

executed web of lies that you just spend
your life teeter -tottering on to make

sure that none of the pieces of the web
fall apart and you have just laid your

first gossamer thread trust me i've seen
enough men come and go that i know

that's how they do it all right hold on
it's coming honey

we got a baby good

for you

See, you treat them, just give them just
a tiny bit of praise. That gets them

excited. And then when they start to
feel the boundaries, you smack them

Ah, and here's the placenta.

A lot of people like to eat this. It's
very nutritional.

You can have it. Thank you. It'll be a
gift. You love it so much. Okay.

Get down!

Jesus! I am so tired of these bounty
hunters!

I'm sorry, Eli. I should probably go. I
brought him onto your property. I got to

get back in town and figure out what's
causing all this. Honey!

We should probably get going. The bounty
hunters are here.

Oh, geez, not again.

Hoyle's got someone after his head, so
this is kind of how it's become lately.

All right, Hoyle, you start running, and
I'll catch up with you.

Brother,

good news.

God's coming.

You got to repent. You got to get your
house in order. Get ready. Get ready.

Good news.

Hallelujah.

Sheriff. What?

Stop. Clay, I'm busy. People are trying
to kill me. I need to find out who's

behind it. I think it may be God trying
to kill you. It's the end of days,

Sheriff. The world as we know it, that's
over.

I am a witness.

You're a Jehovah's Witness. I am a
Jehovah's Witness. Thank you to Mrs.

Tannenbaum. That's what I'm here to do.

Aren't you a bit concerned about...

The Bible's view, or at least some
interpretation's view on homosexuality?

I don't see why I would be... I mean,
they point to Leviticus. I don't care

about that. I don't know how it concerns
me.

You are homosexual as homosexual is.
These words and these acts are offensive

the eyes of the Lord.

See, I disagree. I personally accept you
for who you are. And at Harvard, you

know, I did some experimenting of my
own. Let me tell you, don't knock it

you try it. It's okay to be a
homosexual.

No, no, not in the eyes of the Lord.

It's not okay. In the eyes of my Lord,
it's okay. Your Lord is not the real

Lord. There's only one real Lord, and
his name is Jeff.

How that?

Adonai is another name for the Lord,
okay?

I'm wasting my energy trying to actually
save you, and you're not even

reciprocating anything.

I don't want to be saved!

What? What?

Smite him! You're done! You're done!
You're cursed! He didn't do it.

Don't tell me who I can smite and who I
can't smite! I can smite anyone! You're

smited now! No, you're smited! No, I
smite him! I smite you too!

No!

Oh, God! You can't do that!

I killed her!

I smited her!

All right.

You didn't grab the knife. You didn't...
Clay!

Hi. You guys Jehovah's Witnesses?

Sheriff, there's a bounty on your head.

And I aims to collect it.

Sheriff? What we have here is a bad
news, good news situation.

The bad news is you're going to die.

What's the good news?

The good news is I'm going to kill you.

Well, that's the same as the bad news.

The other bad news is... There's more
bad news?

I don't like sharing.

Y 'all got to count to zero to get out
of here.

Zero.

What the devil?

You got to be luckier than a cat in a
room full of rocking chairs.

I love cats.

Who put the bounty out on me?

Mexican silver dollars.

Mexican? Whoever's putting the bounty
out on me is paying these bounty hunters

with Mexican silver dollars.

Well, I know who has Mexican silver
dollars.

Who? Pearl.

Where is she? She's upstairs.

Yeah, where have you been?

Well, I was at the farm, and then there
was another issue at a neighboring farm.

Okay, okay, okay. While you were doing
all that important stuff, guess what I

was doing?

Avoiding two dozen bounty hunters, one
of which had this, like, brass phallus

sticking out of his tummy. Do you see
it? It was spinning around, shooting

bullets. I come running across here,
crash through perfectly, roll up my

shoulder, pull my gun, take him out.
That's what I've been doing.

That sounds impressive.

Okay, this is why I have an issue with
you holding down two jobs at once. You

understand? You don't see Honey doing
anything but whoring all day long. All

she's doing is whoring, whoring,
whoring.

That's not true. I have two jobs.

I'm in the bar.

I run the saloon. Okay, but if I were
filing your taxes, the first thing, the

top thing I would put is whoring.

That's fair enough. Okay.

Come on, we're going upstairs. Okay,
I'll go first for this one.

Darn right you're going. Eli!

Eli, you don't want to go up there!

Oh, boy.

Hope she's on the bottom.

Hold it right there!

Frank James!

Pearl?

Hi, guys.

Frank James, what are you even doing
here? Last time I heard, you were in

Prison. Your charges didn't stick,
Sheriff.

How did my charges not stick? I caught
you robbing a bank.

Well, but I didn't actually rob it. It
doesn't matter! what his charges are.

You're sleeping with my wife.

I've been trying to raise money to save
the farm.

Well, Pearl, when you whore, can you
whore with law -abiding citizens instead

known criminals?

Or just not whore at all?

She's trying to pay down the debt.

She didn't know that he was hiring
people to kill me. I don't know what

talking about. You've got no proof of
that, Sheriff. I may not have proof,

Frank, but I know when I smell manure
and I smell it all over here and over

here, too.

I don't know what you're talking about
with his bounty.

What about me?

You don't get to just... sleep with
other people. We're married.

It's just work.

Didn't seem like work.

Pearl,

the stacks

of Mexican silver dollars that you've
been giving to Honey, have they been

coming from Frank?

Well, yeah. He's been giving me the
silver coins every day.

Well, Pearl, you should know those
Mexican silver dollars are also being

hire bounty hunters all over the county
to take out your stepfather.

What? I don't know what you're talking
about, Sheriff. Oh, really, Frank?

No idea. Look, Frank, if you don't tell
the truth right now, I'm never sleeping

with you again.

None of us are going to be sleeping with
you.

You're serious?

I'm serious. I'm dead serious.

No more River Ride? Nope. No more
biscuit and gravy? Biscuit and gravy

here. No back of the knee?

Nope. Back of the knee? Nope.

Don't come over here looking for back of
the knee either.

Or here.

All right. Let's say, hypothetically,
there was a guy named Mopunger.

Mopunger. I feel like I went to grade
school with Mopunger. No, he built the

schoolhouse. No, no, no, no. That was
Mopunger. Oh, yeah, the funger. Cole

Younger. What?

Oh, there is a guy named Cole Younger.

Hypothetically, who gave a bag of silver
to a guy named Tank.

Pames.

Frank James.

You smart sumbitch.

And he asked him to spread it around a
little bit to try to get rid of, uh,

Carriff Boyle.

Carriff, that's the red -headed one,
right?

Uh -huh. You, Harvard, you!

Ah!

You sumbitch tank! You have ruined this
town, Sheriff.

This town's no fun anymore.

Great Bend used to be a great place to
come. You could do whatever you wanted.

Now you can't get away with nothing.

Mole Punger wants you dead.

And with you dead, he's a pushover.

Oh, I'll pushover your face. No, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no. Stop it.

Stop doing that.

There's more and more.

I think.

Let's say hypothetically, I could talk
to this Hank Payne and make the bounty

away. On one condition.

I still get to sleep with Pearl.

It's a deal.

Wait, no.

That's not a deal.

What about me?

You don't get to just sleep with other
people. We're married.

It's just work.

It's not to me.

I'm going to go talk to him.

We got a deal, girl.

We got a deal, Tang.

Pearl, I'm very disappointed in you for
lying to P -Li.

Eli!

Eli! Where are you going?

Well, I gotta go.

Eli, I can tell you're upset, but you've
got to let Pearl be Pearl.

I mean, what did you think? You were
marrying a whore? You thought she would

just stop and wake up? Yes. Well, yeah,
that is what I thought.

Women don't do that.

Why not?

No one knows.

From the time of Socrates until now, no
one knows why women want

to do the stuff they do.

It's not a difficult request. I'm asking
her not to sleep with other people.

See, you're not asking her to do it.
You're telling her to do it. Yeah, I'm

telling her not to have intercourse with
other men. That's what marriage means.

Well, marriage.

Well, maybe you can compromise. Maybe
she could just satisfy them orally.

She wants to sleep with hundreds of men
she doesn't know at all. But her heart

is yours.

My advice?

Say yes.

Well, I'm not like you.

I'm a simple guy.

I'm going back to the farm. And if she
wants to join me, then she can join me.

Congratulations on what you've done with
your uncle's farm, Eli.

Thanks, Hall.

I have a good feeling. I think things
are about to turn for you to the better.

What?

Tidwell!