Original subtitles

Well, dearly beloved, here we are at the end of our ceremony, and we're all

filled with happiness and joy and pride at the start of their

journey. I, John Henry Hoyle, sheriff, justice of the

peace, a Harvard double major in criminology and comparative literature,

like to join these two.

in holy matrimony. The vow that you are making today in front of all of us is

that no matter what, If both of your arms are lopped off in a cattle drive

accident. If you become totally fertile and lose all of your hair.

If you're caught in a fire and 90 % of your body is blistering and scarred.

While God may rain down on us bad luck and drought and disease.

And bad mustaches.

You don't like the mustache?

No. You said it accentuated the oral thing. I was choking.

I was choking, Hoyle.

Come on, Hoyle! Can you finish the ceremony?

I hereby pronounce you for the third time.

Just pronounce it. You know her first two husbands were killed.

I've heard. One right in the spot where I'm marrying you. Remember that?

Remember Eli?

The eyeball?

Oh, come on!

I hereby pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.

Flipperson tongue.

Oh?

I know, but that's what makes it so terrible.

Here's some libations just to calm your nerves.

That was, um, that was tough. That was tough.

Yeah, it was tough.

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what you're going through. Three husbands,

from the closet. I know. I was there.

It's right here.

I'm so sorry. If there's anything that I can do, and I just want you to know,

Lavinia, as sure as this mustache hangs from my nose, I will not relent

until I find Cole Younger and I take him down.

Well, Cole was trying to kill you, so if we could just kill you, then I wouldn't

have to worry about Cole Younger anymore.

What? It was your fault what happened today. And you could have prevented it

you'd been wearing a gun.

I am the justice of peace. I was marrying you. The only thing that made

justice of the peace is that you're a sheriff.

And a sheriff wears a gun. Right?

That's true.

Great Bendian.

I know that this was a terrible, horrid day.

filled with death and blood and pieces of bone and brain matter spewed across

all of us.

But perhaps we can salvage some goodness out of it.

I would like to propose something to lighten the mood. It was something I was

planning to do anyway, and I think now, in light of the tragedy, it's even more

important.

Honey Shaw.

This is my Aunt Mary Louisa's ring.

They had to wrench her finger off in order to keep it in the family.

I would like to wrench this ring onto your finger for the rest of your life.

Please marry me.

Inappropriate oil.

What? No. Lavinia just lost her husband.

Well, she loses all of them. Put that ring away. We're all dressed up. No, no,

no.

For your Harvard education, you are certainly adult.

No.

I hope Cole doesn't miss next time.

Oh, Jesus, I lost one.

Now, you're sure this is all the brain matter?

That's all I could find in the dirt, yeah. Okay. Did you get it off people's

clothes? As much as I could. I didn't want to be intrusive. They were weeping

the time.

Well, I'm going to examine this very carefully using the latest in crime

-fighting technology, the microscope.

What are you trying to determine?

Cause of death. That is the purpose of an autopsy. I don't know how many times

have to hammer this.

I just thought we could skip a step and say gunshot just before we all ran away.

Are you feeling all right?

I'm under a lot of pressure, okay?

Everybody's so upset.

Get Cole Younger. Get Cole Younger. Where's Cole Younger? Get Cole Younger.

got Cole Younger. It's like I've tried everything.

I've poured over my database.

I've looked at my ear drawings.

I've thought and thunk and meditated. I've done everything I can think of. I

cannot find this guy.

Wiley.

Elusive. Do you have any thoughts? Any advice?

I know he's not here.

Thank you. Thank you for that. And people are upset.

I know that. Very upset.

And then I embarrassed the hell out of myself proposing to Honey. I mean, I

thought, boom, when she saw that .7 carat ring, I thought she was going to

out. It didn't work out that way.

I'm not giving up.

I'm playing the long game, Vernon.

Slow and steady, like a trickle that just... Yes, like water torture.

That's how I'm going to approach Honey. She'll either marry me, or she will

slowly go insane.

Oil! Oil!

Oh, hello.

What's going on? What is it? Something's happened to Eli.

Something bad.

I found this note under my door. I took handwriting analysis my senior year. I

taught a seminar, actually. I was a TA.

Hoyle, stop. Keep going. Okay, just saying.

Hoyle, we have your... God, these criminals.

I mean, it's amazing.

No education.

I want to give them all three -line paper so they know how to make the

Hey, not everyone took penmanship. Just translate the note.

Capital H is not that hard.

Oh, leave.

50 ,000 gold at Cheyenne Cave on Friday or he is dead. Look at that. D

-E -D.

D -E -D.

We leave Eli.

We leave the period off, too.

God, it's obviously Cole Younger. Only he would come up with this kind of

idea. We don't have 50 ,000 gold coins. What are we going to do?

Shank, I'm going to need to deputize you. No, that was not successful last

Come on, Shank, it's Eli.

I know, but I... Vernon, please.

You don't know how much it would mean to me if you found Eli and you with a

fling and a gun on a horse.

I guess I could saddle up and ride out there with you, see what we find. You

look so handsome, too. Oh, that's no way I'm...

I'll go with you. All right.

We better gear up. There's going to be a whole lot of shooting. Well, I hope

there's a whole lot of mustache shaving, because if there's not, I don't want

you coming back here.

I second that.

Uh -huh. I know what that means. I don't think it means that. I think what it

means is just... Unlike Cole Younger, I can read between the lines.

I'm pretty sure it just means I shaved the mustache. No, she's going to marry

if I shave the mustache. Oh, hey, Ailey.

Hi, Ephraim.

Found you.

Yeah. How about you let me go? Oh, that's not part of the plan.

You're the bait. We set up this whole master plan. Because my brother and I,

we're going to kill you, and we're going to kill your partner. We're going to

chop off both your heads and just put on the most disturbing puppet show for the

neighborhood children. It's going to be called Sheriff and Deaduty.

Yeah, it's pronounced Deputy. I realize, but in this case, we're changing it

because you'd be dead, so you'd be the dead beauty.

It's a word play.

Apprentice! Shut the hell up. Stop jawing, boy. You talk too much. I talk

perfect amount.

Yeah, well, remember on Mother's Day when you spilled the beans on Ma's

It wasn't ruined. I mean, I think we went on to have a delightful day. There

were tea cakes.

Boy, just stop talking. You're like a preacher on Sunday.

I gotta go.

I got to send you back to sleep town. You can just leave it off. I really

have an option. Otherwise, you might see where we are and then get a wise to

what's about to happen. I mean, you just told me what's going to happen. Yeah,

that's fair point.

And here's to ladies night.

You never miss a chair.

All right, can we just finish this game, please?

What does that matter with you?

I guess I'm just wondering if.

if Shank and Hoyle found Eli yet. Come on, Pearl. You know Hoyle always gets

through everything.

Yeah, but not Eli.

Oh, no.

Oh, man. Listen, this is only going to lead to trouble, Pearl. You do not want

to love a man.

You can bet a man, but do not love a man. Yeah, do what I do. I love my dog.

Do not start talking about your dog Kong. I'm going to talk about him.

Don't start crying about Kong. I might get a little emotional about him because

I had half of a beer.

Every time you drink, you start babbling on and crying about that damn dog.

Oh, right.

Oh, and I guess you have no feelings at all, huh?

You feel the same way about Hoyle as I do about Kong, but in a sexual way. I

would never do that to my dog.

Hoyle is a very nice man, and I...

I'm lucky to have him in my life, but I am not going to marry him. If I get so

desperate for love and companionship, I'll go get a little dumb dog like Kong.

Well, I hope this makes her happy.

See, my thinking is I get this all shaved off, I present her the ring

bingo. Yeah. It's my plan.

That's a terrific plan.

How did you get up? I mean, I didn't even hear you.

About 4 o 'clock.

You were having some kind of wonderful dream, though. I don't know where you

went, but it sounded like it was a good place.

I dreamed that I was near this tree, this huge tree with no branches on it,

two rocks side by side at the bottom. Did lightning come out of the top of the

tree at all?

No. Oh, no.

No shot out of the top of the tree. But going that way. You and I were arm in

arm, and all of the snow came down all over us.

What do you think that means?

I can't imagine that there's a hidden meaning there. Some people think dreams

mean stuff. That sounds silly to me.

No future in that.

Well, there's a lot of future in getting this. I have faith that money is going

to turn this up.

There's a bear.

He's okay.

He's gone. Where were you?

I was creating a diversion.

When a bear comes, don't create a diversion. No, I was banging two sticks

together about 50 yards away.

Don't bang sticks. Get gunned. Get gunned. Next time we get gunned. I wish

a do -over.

Get the guns!

Get the guns!

I fashioned a garrote.

How do you know how to use a garrote? I was a Jesse Scott. Did I not tell you

that? I thought that came up. You were in the war?

Insurgency. Mostly hand -to -hand, some munitions.

You never talk about that. I don't like to talk. It sounds braggy.

How do you feel?

I feel good. My shoulder's really stiff. Yeah, that does look tough.

Are you going to keep the mustache that way? I'm not crazy about that. It looks

not good.

A mustache makes you feel that way? Really, it's a queasy feeling.

Okay, fine.

Hey, you hungry?

Yeah, why? What do you got?

Bear.

Oh, God. I mean, it's been 12 hours. Are you still crying about Eli?

Yes. Ear in deep.

Ear in deep. There's only two ways that you can erase feelings.

Okay, one is whiskey.

Uh -huh. That's why I'm always loaded up with it. Number two, take a bullet to

the brain.

Ooh. I know it sounds harsh.

My cousin Jane, she accidentally got shot in the head. But you know what? You

could hold a conversation with her. She's a perfectly classy lady.

No emotions.

I mean, tearing out your emotions, that's a way to go.

Because caring about a man does nothing for you. I got three husbands.

Dead.

Dead.

Dead, dead, dead, dead.

Girls not success.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

What is that?

Fortunately, one of us came prepared.

Look at that.

It's a monogram. It's Eli.

It's Eli. He's hanging from a rope. He's perched precariously on top of a

tombstone. Come on, we've got to get him down. Okay, hold up, hold up.

Just check this out.

Just give me a second.

Oh.

Aha.

Oh, that song bitch.

It's a double reverse twist. He gives me the ransom note to lure me here, and we

go out to rescue him, and we're in a killing box.

Ah, bamboozled.

If only we had some sort of a distraction, something that would get

attention. You know, like, look, look at me.

Something like this that would get their attention. Yeah, but more impressive.

But bigger, something bigger and fast.

Like dynamite.

Yes! Why didn't we bring any?

Oh, we did.

Why do you have dynamite? Just to keep me sharp.

A new traveler rule between us? If you've got explosives, tell the guy

sitting next to you. I didn't know you had that to... Just to come blow up.

Shank, this doesn't blow up. Point taken.

Cole!

All right, all right. We'll pick this up later. Come on, we better get started.

We're going to save him. Let's go.

How much longer we got to stay out here, Cole?

Ephraim, you just be patient, all right? This plan's going to work. What if he

out -figures us and then re -figures that thing into the first place? It is a

simple, complicated plan.

Get ready. We're going to execute the plan on my mark. Alpha Delta plan.

What? Are you going to say Mark?

It's not simple. I'm simple.

And this is above everything.

Mama always said you were simple, too.

No, I'm Mark.

The Mark means that's the thing I'm going to say. Well, I don't know what

is. That was plunge.

How close do you want to get? Get them close enough we see the whites of their

eyes and we open up. Then you can hit them.

Yes, do it. Oh, no.

Thank you.

You shot me down.

I did.

Why did you come for me?

I was worried about you, I guess.

That's good.

Hey, Perla, you want to marry me?

Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah.

Hey,

if you could undo my hands, I can kiss back.

Oh, okay.

Do you, Eli Brocious, take my stepdaughter, related by marriage, Pearl

to be your happily wedded wife, to have and to hold till the end of time, till

she's a rotting corpse, nothing but bones that turn into the dust that make

the universe?

Yay or nay?

Yeah. Yay.

I do. I do. Do you, Pearl Star,

Throw away your youth and any other possible future with any

other man. Be him educated from Harvard.

Friends of mine.

Oh, my God. Come on.

Are you 100 % sure?

Yes. Say I do. I do.

Is there anyone here today who feels that these two should not be joined?

now or forever hold your peace.

I do.

I do. I do. I'm so sorry. Nobody ever speaks.

I cannot hold my peace any longer, and I am here to implore you to be the one to

hold my peace.

Burl Star, I have loved you from the moment I saw you in that jail cell right

there, and I vowed to make you my wife. I am not a handsome man.

I look a little like a boogie trout. I know that.

But I am an honest man, and I have a big heart.

And I have a big heart on for this woman. I will treat you like the queen

deserve to be.

Come with me, Pearl Star, and allow me to shower you with my love.

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

One step.

Sidestep.

Just a head nod.

Come on.

I feel like this is as far as it's going to get. Yep. OK.

Congratulations on the big day, though. Really.

Thank you.

You look fabulous.

Very handsome man.

Hey, thank you.

Sorry. Sorry. OK. Are you done?

Is there anyone else?

No. OK.

No. I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

Excuse me. I'm just doing great work.

Vernon, a word?

I don't know what possibly gave you the idea that that could work. I mean, I

gave Honey a K -quality diamond and she turned me down.

You could be her great -grandfather.

Oh, that's not true. I'm very young at heart.